The week that was and is
I am finding myself in a huge amount of resistance to reflecting on my week in any form, which is probably related to The Many Mysteries & Great Unknowns.
Which seems to indicate that it would probably also be clarifying and useful to do some of that reflecting, haha, and also wow I really don’t want to do it.
So I think I am just going to just quietly name some of these mysteries and possibly some triumphs, maybe also some goal-wishes or some desired superpowers, and see what happens.
It’s just a practice, we can’t do it wrong. It’s reasonable and normal to resist things that help, and we can always reconfigure or rewrite any ritual in any moment to suit the needs of the moment.
A breath for remembering this.
Among the many mysteries…
The Mysteries of Time. How does it work, where does it go, what is happening while I am staring into space for hours?
The Mysteries of ADHD. Existing outside of the bounds of time can be its own glorious superpower but what about when I need to be at a place for a thing in the timeline that other people follow?
The Mystery of the List, and how it keeps getting longer, and how much I want to set it on fire and disappear.
The Mysteries of External Praise & Hustle Culture: I had the thought this week that workaholism works almost exactly like an eating disorder. As in, this might literally kill you but everyone will applaud you for it the entire way until your inevitable collapse. Everyone is trying to control something inherently outside of control, I don’t wish to participate in the culture of this, it’s actively horrifying to me, but also that’s the world we live in.
The Mystery of Why Do I Keep Falling For Workaholics when this is at odds with the entirety of how I want to live.
Related: The Mystery of I am drawn to the familiar, and what is familiar to me is bad for me.
The Mystery of what am I going to do, and where and for how long, when everything is unknown.
The Mystery of No, Really, I Deserve Better, This Is Not High Regard.
Related: a good simile is hard to nail but I’m gonna need the many lovestruck poets of the desert to do better by me. Approach the goddess bearing gifts! A poorly crafted simile is not a gift, it is a burden. I guess that was a metaphor but whatever, I’m not the one bombarding people with rhyming couplets.
Related: How do men get the wild outrageous confidence to send these unsolicited and alarming texts, and where can I buy some of that by the bottle?
Wishes, Goal-wishes, Desired superpowers
Pare Down & Get Agile.
Stay Glowing, Stay Wild.
Clear & Well-Oxygenated.
Best parts of the week:
+ New world record (for me) of 856 sun salutations in a day
+ Going into a trance state of sundulating and seeing all the connections between the words and the wishes
+ Epiphanies & clarity in the labyrinths and the float tank
+ Floating again for the first time in 14 months (bliss)
+ Seeing friends again (bliss)
+ Desire (ditto)
+ Dessert (same)
+ the flower crowns on the saguaro, the light on the mountains
+ visited by the sweetest bobcat (always a good omen for me)
+ a favorite person joined me for a day of errands, and made the hard things easy and sweet
Useful if not enjoyable
+ revisiting experiences & situations that used to be yes, and discovering that they no longer support my commitment to being Held in High Regard
+ I stated my yeses and received not-yes, and so I extricated myself swiftly, good job, ten trillion points to me.
Hard/challenging/painful elements of the week:
+ I take back what I said last time about welcoming hot poet spring! Unsolicited unwanted intimacy feels like such a violation sometimes, all the more some when it gets you wrong.
+ The Great Unknowns, how are there so many of them, and still constantly changing?
+ The Endless Errands, same.
+ Boundary challenges, so many of them, still, and new ones.
+ The eternal question: how do I protect my desires when my tendency is to be “flexible”, which invariably turns into people-pleasing?
+ Still doing a weapons check!
+ After giving someone a third chance, they cancelled on me three times in a row…
+ It’s so boring being sad about this!
+ A mutual favor turned into full time project management, and I am overwhelmed by it.
+ I don’t know if it’s second vaccine or perimenopause, but my cycle is an hellish nightmare of agonies right now
+ I do not wish to end up as a name in the paper in one of those terrible stories involving a man who got angry about perceived rejection (“he was so quiet and so sweet, she should have been nicer to him”), but unfortunately all these men sending me unsolicited poetry know where I live, and my current gig requires politeness, and so I default to placating. I am nice-nice-nice, when I shouldn’t even have to be, and I triple-check all the doors just in case. Fuck all of that forever.
+ And I’m off! But where is next?
Some wisdom from this week’s magical practices
From the float
The waters said:
LOGISTICS IS NOT YOUR NEMESIS, JUST DO INTUITIVE LOGISTICS!!!!!!
DO LESS TO GET MORE,
ALL THE TIME
THE STORM, THE CALM, THE VOID, LET IT COME AND GO AS IT DOES, YOU JUST STAY WITH RITUAL & WISHES & STEADY CONGRUENCING TOWARDS HIGH REGARD
IN STORM, IN CALM, IN ALL OF IT, YOUR SORCERY REMAINS THE SAME:
SPELL YOUR SPELLS
DO LESS TO GET MORE IS HIGH REGARD AND VICE VERSA
YOUR STILLNESS IS YOUR SORCERY
Insights from movement practice
My sundulations (undulating sun salutations) were so powerful this week, and I flew through seven hundred in seventy five minutes, and had an absolutely incredible moment during round forty when I was already in full trance state.
The word for that round is Liberation, and when I arrived at West in my compass (which is Glow), the spell that emerged was I AM READY TO LIBERATE MY GLOW FORCE!!!
And then that phrase just felt so powerful and exhilarating, even though I don’t think I am entirely grasping all of what it might mean, that I kept it echoing through the next round (Intensity), letting the words ripple through me and create new internal poetry:
I LIBERATE MY GLOW FORCE WITH FIERCE INTENSITY,
FEARLESSLY LIBERATING MY GLOW FORCE WITH ALL MY INTENSITY,
MY POWERFUL INTENSITY THAT LIBERATES MY GLOW FORCE,
I STRIKE WITH INTENSITY TO LIBERATE MY GLOW FORCE,
THE LIBERATION OF MY GLOW FORCE IS INTENSELY GROUNDED IN EARTHLY POWERS,
THE INTENSE LIBERATION OF MY GLOW FORCE IS WILD IN ITS INTENSITY,
I GLOWINGLY LIBERATE MY GLOW POWERS WITH MY GLOWING INTENSITY,
MY ENTIRE LIFE IS DEVOTED TO LIBERATION OF THE GLOW FORCE WITH MY FULL INTENSITY!!!
I would like more of this full body-mind poetry please. I mean, that’s the practice, and I do it every day, but that morning the word combinations felt so charged and intuitive and thrilling. More of that please.
What would I like from this coming week?
Spend more time outside.
Well-calibrated & well-oxygenated.
A joyful return to prioritizing Delicious Food, Beautifully Plated.
I make my setting lovely for me.
Close more doors.
Stay receptive to the glorious surprise moments of clear knowing, and mainly just trust myself so much more.
Thank you so much to people who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.
Play with me in the comments! I LOVE COMPANY!
Reminder that you can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness, and a reminder that using a new name will drop your comment into moderation, which I do not check every day, so let’s apply patience to that process and really to every process. What if nothing is wrong?
We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing.
🚨 WE HAVE EMOJI WORKING NOW!!! 🚨
How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good or simply mysterious in your week that you want to drop here, any wishes or superpowers or anything else that wants to be named? Sometimes naming helps. Naming & breathing.
And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi, you can share anything that sparked for you or notice something that you’re noticing, or call in something you’d like more of for the coming week.