very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 336th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

here, now

I have just returned from twelve delicious days of
sun, sea, and sleeping in,
exploring the southern reaches
primarily through napping
deep internal exploration into sweet blissful quiet
and [here, now] everything is cold, dark and rainy

an odd sensation
wanting two things at once

this rushing pulsing urgency to act
aching desire to break down fences
bound over anything in my way
in order to take off for points south
not slowing until the sun warms me again
and my panther body feels the invitation to slow
to a graceful prowl

and, also, yes, the equally powerful pull
to hibernate and hide in bed
for as long as it takes until
spring comes
and the scent returns

what does this need?

as always
as in all things
because this the basis for self-fluency and
also the door:
it’s how we find our way back
to compassion, presence, love, all the good stuff

I call on my wise wild selves to whisper truth
to channel the compassion I could glow so easily
for a friend going through this
and forget to offer myself:

of course this makes sense
of course this is an understandable valid reaction
to the combination of the elements at play
[cold] + [transition] + [endings] + [season]
not to mention all the very extenuating circumstances
and the very legitimate ways that now might be reminding us of then
even though
Now Is Not Then

truth truth truth

no matter how much now looks like then
now is now

and, at the same time, acknowledgment and legitimacy:
it’s okay that we forget this
it’s okay that we forget truth
that’s what life is about,
forgetting and remembering, forgetting and re-remembering

you’re doing great, my love
look at you, being human
you’re totally nailing it!
yes, you forgot and remembered, you forgot and
will remember again
it’s okay, this is exactly how this works
you are safe
and I love you

I want to tell you about ruby jewel

I learned so much during operation ruby jewel
my twelve day adventure in the sun and in dreamland

though these days turned out to be the entryway,
the anteroom to ruby jewel
because this mission is much larger
more encompassing (that’s a compass joke!)
than I had anticipated

mainly I want to tell you things I learned about jewels
and about glowing
and maybe laugh about some of it

for example, the funny part

I planted two wishes here while I was gone:
1) what do I want to reflect, and 2) rooting for love

of course it turned out that what I want to reflect is LIGHT
and jewels reflect light
and light needs to be grounded (aka rooted)
because it is being conducted
through me

so reflecting and rooting,
as it turns out,
are the secret keys to being a jewel!
I wished them into being
not even knowing why I needed them
it’s so perfect and hilarious

twelve days, named

if you have ever worked with one of the
fluent self calendars
then you know how wildly sweetly disruptively magical it is
to invoke qualities with time

so here are the names of each day of the op
each name received in the morning of that day
and each one full of unexpected treasure

confident about doors
jewel heart
clear easy grounded
internal glow
to embark
when I am a jewel
glowing freedom
internal star access
in search of freedom
glow levels: enhance
a jewel returns

if you wish to try the powerful and full-of-sweet-surprises life practice of naming, the Year of Doors calendars are here and they are absolutely breathtaking — password: sweetdoors

what did I learn about light and jewels?

means being a conduit for light
and conducting light through the jewel
that is you

this is mainly about Presence
I mean, yes, most things are mainly about Presence
but think about how a moment
(or a dance, for example)
is immediately altered
when you are fully engaged with
intention and intensity —
there for the whole experience


then, from this clear committed engagement
thinking about and streaming my light
asking it to be there
(remembering that it is there whether I can
feel it or not has the same effect as turning on light)

next, being deliberate and deliciously panther-like
in both movement and actions
sending yourself into motion
from this gyroscope jewel in your center

and, of course, choosing towards
that which enhances your light
and your ability to glow and to perceive your glow;
choosing away from everything which does not

intentionally doing things that bring you pleasure
that help you cultivate your
easy relaxed joy

this is the intel I received for me,
I do not know if it is is also for you,
sharing it in case it has clues or sparks


presence is tricky
beautifully mysteriously tricky
and not only because the game is rigged
in every possible way to keep us disconnected
from ourselves and from now

many times on operation ruby jewel
I caught myself looking wistfully at my traveling companion
bracing myself for the impending disruptive goodbye:
knowing in two days time
a plane would take off for thailand without me
while I would go north to say a different goodbye
to my beautiful home

instead of HERE, NOW
this beautiful moment which is treasure
trusting that future moments will deliver
future treasure,
and that I am held in safety, sweetness and love
knowing that my only job is to
glow more, glow wild,
and trust

yes, to be HERE, NOW

with quiet passionate intention and intensity
if this moment is a door, any door, all the doors,
and I am free to walk through it,
then let’s choose joyful ones

choosing doors

for example, the door of acknowledgment and legitimacy for what is
including acknowledgment and legitimacy
for every moment of drifting away from now
every moment of sorrow-longing-despair-resistance
and wishing things were other than they are

presence means also being present with the not-being-present
and present with noticing if I am blaming myself for that
and present with blaming myself for the blaming
glowing compassion all the way to the root

let’s choose the door of compassion
let’s choose the door of turning inward to my thank-you heart
and the door of I Want To Be Here Now
the door of I Am Changing This Moment By How I Am In It

and sometimes a door is a series of doors, like the door of All Feelings Are Legitimate, Even The Ones I Don’t Like, and Also Not Liking Them Is Legitimate, and Not Liking That I Don’t Like Them Is Legitimate


here is what I know about glowing
as learned from being a jewel for twelve days:

  1. pass light (let light pass) through your jewel
  2. ground it (ground everything)
  3. PRESENCE (relaxed positive being infuses relaxed positive doing)
  4. extra compassion, self directed (run your light through yourself to glow inward before glowing outward, fasten your own mask before assisting others)
  5. hold things lightly (not too seriously, and also hold them in the light)

what do I know about my wish this week

my wish is to embody this
to live this to the best of my ability
with the keen awareness
that this shit is not easy

bold presence or whatever you want to call it means
more interaction with [pain-fear-doubt]
but also more interaction with joyful aliveness
deep powerful stuff

our entire culture is built around not doing this
it’s designed to distract/entice/hold-in-place
acquiesce to stagnation
whether in jobs, family, structures, relationships
(including our relationship with ourselves)

I feel passionately about doing the opposite of this
being engaged in this [here, now] moment
and my yes that is my yes in this moment
surrounding myself, encompassing myself
in the qualities of spirit that are my compass

North: TRUST
Northeast: RELAX
Southeast: EXPAND
Southwest: TREASURE
West: GLOW
Northwest: WILD

what do I know this?

nothing needs to be done
and so much is asking to be not-done
and undone, dismantled
through deep breathing, presence and wild intentional not-doing

the best way for me to stay in the compass
is to breathe, pause, notice, laugh
forgive myself over and over for being human
and forgetting truth

naming things and
repeating the names
and giving things new magical names
saying I AM HERE NOW
and I am here
and I am here

may it be so!


Lars reminded me that winter is good
for curling up by the fire
so I did that
and things got better

and then Steve reminded me that dodging winter
is actually a perfectly expected move
for an eccentric wanderer like me

so [here, now] is good
and choosing a new [here, now] for soon/later is good

and now-now has tea and cushions
and breathing sweet breaths
which I now know
is another way of circulating light
through jewels
and through me

superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises.

December - Treasure More december on the 2015 fluent self calendar is TREASURE MORE, with the superpower of receptive to all incoming good surprises

glowing light through (internal) jewels
is a good practice for month of treasure and treasuring

I am receptive to all incoming good surprises
and everything that comes from [here, now]
and from saying yes to doors
and to sweetness

thank you, past-me, for putting this
on the calendar

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about rooting for love

and I learned that the best way to root
is to send and receive from the earth
and to do this with light
in order to be more here, more now
which is the next piece

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

The Fluent Self