I woke up the other morning deep in solstice-adjacent despair,
an absolutely perfect turn of phrase that I am borrowing from Erin,
and (until she gave it a name and I realized what it was),
it was painful and baffling

But yes, of course,
it is terribly dark (in this hemisphere)
(but also, like, metaphorically)
(and in the news)
and all too much,
and this burrowing is a form of cocoon,
these days of passage from one year to the next,
when reflection — both the candlelight kind and the turning-inward,
is most needed but we are also busy, with holidays and
end-of-year scrambling,
and we are tired and culture wants us to
see all the people and make resolutions or take up running or whatever,
and it is all completely exhausting

clues revealed during a long sweet yoga

can I emanate good thoughts like incense around me
can I trust what is resonant (and do this through being more resonant)
what if illuminated is eliminated?
a flash of an image: lighting a bonfire,
igniting all that is no longer yes, letting it burn away with ease, bye

if it is anything less than real, less than vulnerable, less than sweetness-and-love, then goodbye

clues from a dance lesson

apply ease
move a little to get a lot
DO LOTS OF NOTHNG while increasing connection
breathe the dance
and if you’re too tired to implement the new learning, just go home and rest, babe
(no point in reinforcing old muscle memory)
(and anyway rest is a door to integration)


this month has been so intensely stressful that I’ve actually stopped stressing over
the usual things, most things in fact, as if a limit was reached, and that is that,
no room left to care about that stuff,
so now I am calm and steady where I used to be tense,
because I just do not have any more bandwidth to fret/obsess
about any of the things that used to matter to me

I go to bed and ask for things to solve themselves while I sleep,
come on secret solutions,
do your thing
because I can’t,
and I’m fine with that

what needs to change in my environment?

I asked this question, skipping it like a stone, of my secret mystery project,
which has to do with climbing,
but I’m not sure yet if that is metaphorical or not

me: hey mysterious project, what needs to change in my environment?
project: you could go UP!
me: I could??
project: you could, yeah!
me: up like upstairs, out of the subterranean spaces? up like higher ground? up like raise the price? up in the air? aerialist time? up like drive north and stay with J?
project, happily: SURE!
me: that is not helpful at all, friend, come on
project: you own a trampoline! you know about ascending! you need a raise! you need to rise! lots of things rise: bread but also smoke! heat rises! raise the roof!
me: whoa

a year ago

the librarian in the tiny utah town asked what my word for 2017 was
and I said FIERY, because turning fiery sounds
more fun than turning forty
she looked wary

are you sure, she said, because
you know you will get to know all aspects of fire,
not just the ones you want

I didn’t care, burn it all down,
I want passion and sparks,
intensity and wild beauty,
sure, let what needs to be destroyed be destroyed,
I will ride off into the sunset

and of course you know what happened next
my beautiful love story immediately went up in flames
along with my ability to trust (myself? anyone?),
or even do basic life stuff like feed myself,
I forgot how to eat, how to even desire nourishment,
I became intimately close (closer than I wanted to be) with rage, fury, intensity,
I drove from the oregon coast to the red river gorge in kentucky,
and screamed at the sky

do I regret my word? not even slightly
turning fiery has brought me to this powerful peaceful certainty,
this smoldering, this fierceness, this vitality of life

among the fiery learnings of this year

  • oh how I love a bonfire
  • emergence: the phoenix rising from the ashes is powerful, shining, glistening in the light
  • yes, I can still build a fire quickly and efficiently and keep it going all night, I recently surprised a Nebraska farmer with this skill left over from the long winter of coal ovens, in a mostly-abandoned building in Berlin, so there
  • I can breathe towards the place of fire in me, tending it with love and breath, my this is my eternal flame which, translated from hebrew is my forever-light or really my forever-candle, I can let my breath become brighter, I can let my internal space fill with light, I can remember that I am made of particles of light, a vessel made to house light
  • burning down is not the same as over, the volcanic eruption of Mt St Helens, not that far from where I live, destroyed its surroundings, nothing left, life reduced to the microbe level, but just five years later tiny tree frogs, little flowers, life found its way back, everything might have been on fire in me this year but life will win
  • see what is reflected in the flames, gather around a new hearth space


yes it has been a FIERY RISING
this year of Turning Fiery,
this year of lava flow and emergence

a year of FIERY is ready to change form,
as the year of TRIUMPHANT comes in
what needs to happen for this to take place,
how does the door of ease open the passage?


I am taking DO LOTS OF NOTHING as my theme,
when my dance teacher tells me to do this she means
[move less, react less, be patient, hang out and see],
and this is a lovely theme for ease and easing

but also I am thinking about how
hibernating is rejuvenating,
and how seeds do their thing under the surface
long before we see flowers and fruit,
can I do more nothing with powerful intention,
can I do nothing triumphantly,
trusting in the less and the ease,
trusting in the purpose, the intent, the seeds

I am a forever candle / in me: a forever candle

a compass of opening to ease


light and light-hearted

days are getting longer now (in this hemisphere at least,
waving to my friends on the other side, passing you candles),
the sun came out today and melted most of the ice

what do I want

a solution to the mysteries, a solution so brilliant and sparkling that I
clap my hands with delight

a new refuge, a new sense of what that might be

the right people to sit with me around a fire

fewer projects, only the ones I feel intensely passionate towards

to feel the forever-candle in my heart, its warmth and glow

to breathe sweetness for myself

faith in the [aliveness of life, the spark of love], how it finds its way through fire and through all obstacles, real and perceived, all I need to do is keep breathing into my heart

light more candles

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you in this salve,
or seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for the year to come,
glow love for Incoming You, whatever you like…

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