the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 324th consecutive week of wishing, come play!
I want to think about edge recovery
and this is a related wish
to all the other wishes but
also its own wish
another luscious double meaning, of course
because of how much I love to say everything twice
(and mean different things simultaneously)
edge recovery is getting my edges back
get your groove back,
is what I said to someone (in my head)
someone I admire who has wandered so far from hers as to be almost unrecognizable
where is that sexy wise slightly-dangerous self-aware radiant shining
troublemaker I wanted to grow up to be
she was my always-beacon for that
but it’s also what I am saying to me
because I need to be my own beacon now
time to recover my lost edge and edges
edges and edginess and boldness, recommitting
to boldly glow where I have not glowed before
to rekindle, blow on embers
and remember the superpower of I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone
I think I have drifted away from the me who unapologetically shines,
and I want that again
and edge recovery is also…
recovering from having been at the edge
at (and on) my edges and metaphorical ledges
times of too much doing and not enough being,
times of running away, and hurting in deserts
this used to happen to me a lot more, actually
when I read old posts, it seems like past-me was constantly surprised
both at being wiped out
and having to make peace with that
now I don’t resist the call of bed
that’s just how things are
being an empath and probably half-unicorn or at least on the unicorn spectrum
and a very highly sensitive person who is also high sensation-seeking
and being someone who is releasing old trauma
the world is too loud for me and people’s energy is deafening
and I get overwhelmed and disconnected from myself and need
to hide (a lot)
until everything gets quiet in me and around me again
this no longer frustrates me
I just do it
and, to be honest, I think I’ve started to like it
edge recovery for me
is about knowing where mine are
and taking exquisite care of myself
applying the protocol, with love
until I am back in my thank-you heart
what else do I know about edge recovery?
these two types of edge recovery are related, not separate
and definitely not at odds
even if it might sound like they are
I am able to be edgy, bold and wild because
of how I cherish and care for myself, and
this work I am doing to love all of me
including the most vulnerable scared and shaky parts
and I am able to deeply rest
because I am not neglecting my wild self who needs
to be free and express all that needs expression
what is this reminding me of
last week I wished:
I radiate presence, inhabit my life
TAKING UP SPACE UNAPOLOGETICALLY
ah yes, that to me is the essence of edge recovery
Eve Wild (incoming me) has reached FED UP levels
of being fed up with things
she wants me to go back to brisk morning walks
the way we used to back in tel aviv also during a time of
no more hiding behind Safe Boring Pretty
no more contorting and no more accommodating, and
no more putting up with things that are uncomfortable
and also no more putting up with things that are not-uncomfortable
if that’s the best I can say about them
what is next?
practicing both forms of edge recovery at once
getting back to glowing edgy me
by taking care of worn out and hurting me
taking care of worn out and hurting me
by glowing my glow and my edginess
showing her that I am here
ALL OF ME
taking up space and not apologizing for it
asking for what I need
while also turning inward and giving it to myself
anything else that needs to be revealed in this wish?
this edginess that I am in the process of recovering
is actually new
this is not the reckless self-destructive stupid-streak edginess of my twenties
this is not the brassy forceful edginess of my early thirties
this is edginess with a strong anchor and steady crown
it is time to uncover the places
that need me to bring more of my presence
lighting candles in all the corners
I wanted to write this post this morning and couldn’t find it in me to start
Eve Wild reminded me about the importance of
~~ Change Your Place Change Your Luck ~~
and made me change clothes too, of course
(black, red, leopard print, dark eyeliner, lips)
and sent me out of the house to go be her for a while
we ended up in the corner of a dark pub
listening to whiskey in the jar and turn the page
good songs for writing
I just looked to my left to find a stack of books on the window ledge,
the titles are all clues, and together they make a story:
beneath the sea
on the road
meaning in texts
how perfect is that
superpower of fearless intentional choosing.
august was trust more, now I am ready to stand in my strength more, as september brings fearless intentional choosing
I am weaving this superpower into this week’s wish:
fearless at the edges, choosing recovery with intention / choosing the edges: intentionally fearless in recovery / intentionally recovering my fearless edges
last week’s wishes
aka wishes at the foot of the mountain…
anything incongruent and disharmonious exits my life quickly and easily,
so that my cherishing powers stay strong….
with beautiful, glowingly powerful boundaries that I
don’t need to enforce because they just are
and I got lots of the first part of that, and a beautiful glimpse of the second
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here (and the new icon!),
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
Oh this, yes, this being edgy and coming back from the edges, thank you.
And also, fall, and also the tendrils of possible-opening-to-love (not that there is any coming, but if there were I might perhaps not slam the door in its face) and also this new birthing of the work I do that is different and yet more refined and the same, and finding my way in a newish piece of the world but still being myself.
VPA: for sustained and sustaining growth
VPA: for grace and healing
VPA: for my voice
VPA: for a clearer picture of Incoming Me, on whom we have inadvertently crept up, and whom we have inadvertently overtaken
Leela! May it be so, my love
here’s to tendrils of possible-opening and the new and sustaining, amen to all of that
What beautiful wishes!!! (and icon!)
My wishes for the next week –
– To ask myself what I really wish for. Something important that I tend to forget lately.
– Remember that I forget how important meditation is for me until I actually get to do it.
– Surf the web consciously instead of just doing it all the time, which is way too much for me.
– Pay attention to feelings. Physical and emotional.
– Write and write and write more. Same as meditation, I forget how good it is for me until I do it.
– Remember that I’m not the things that I’m not doing.
oh what beautiful wishes!
“Remember that I’m not the things that I’m not doing” !!!!!
Wow, wow, wow! That just sparked for me so beautifully. What beautiful wishes!
Edge recovery — yes. I love it.
There is one specific setting in which I am noticing that I want to stand in my strength more, to embody more confidence and ease.I have been making transitions, I have been noting patterns, and now I am ready to deepen a bit more.
Into the ocean, then. I will swim and I will surf, and I will remember that I am no stranger to the sea. I am a queen, with gifts to share.
Heart-sigh for no stranger to the sea! <3
And from me as well. <3
MAY IT BE SO, what beautiful wishes!
Also !!!! for the gorgeous sexy blue hair, Eve Wild approves
re: edges. Sometimes when I feel all unformed and lazy, I picture myself like jello without a mold. Then I build a mold around me so that I can, I suppose, get my edges back.
First, a billion sparklepoints to me for “declining with regret” an invitation to something that could have been lovely, or could have been one of those experiences that leaves you crying in your $500 hotel room at the end of the night because you are lonely and probably going to have a hangover.
All of these new opportunities keep coming up. None have been the right one yet, but I think the universe is saying “these are practice. get good and get clear about what you want and deserve so when the right one comes it will be the right time.”
What I Want: the right one at the right time. the right shoes. more opportunities.
mmmm heart-sigh to practice opportunities, and to edges like boundaries and banks of the river and the right jello mold. <3
and echoing the sparklepoints
Beautiful wishes. I love how edges are structure/boundaries, and also wildness/transgression. (Bonus: they make me think of hedges and hedgehogs). And the stack-of-books accidental poem is the best!
hedges and hedgehogs! <3 <3
What I love about this post:
especially this: on the unicorn spectrum
How much of it speaks to me:
At what age do you become an old lady?
I’m getting there,
feeling it more and more
Still wanting to be edgy and sexy and wild
Good to know that I can be that
and still take naps
“I don’t resist the call of bed”
“Fed up levels of being fed up with things”
Something recently highlighted for me
my need to rest, my need for rest
(they mean different things)
It’s surprising how unrestful some small things are
and me not noticing until they’re fixed
Meanwhile I’m celebrating Porch Days
Daily and the days seem to stretch into eternity
Maybe heaven is like this
I keep thinking “dancing on the edge of forever”
I don’t know where that came from
I don’t know what it means
I don’t have to know; the meaning will come
in its own way at the right time
Meanwhile sunlight dances through flickering leaves
and grass blades reflect its gleam
they dance in the breeze too
I wish for more of this.
Havi, this afternoon I added your found-lines poem into my (handwritten) Book of Favorite Poems, Volume 2.