very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 324th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

I want to think about edge recovery

and this is a related wish
to all the other wishes but
also its own wish

another luscious double meaning, of course
because of how much I love to say everything twice
(and mean different things simultaneously)

edge recovery is getting my edges back

get your groove back,
is what I said to someone (in my head)
someone I admire who has wandered so far from hers as to be almost unrecognizable

where is that sexy wise slightly-dangerous self-aware radiant shining
troublemaker I wanted to grow up to be
she was my always-beacon for that

but it’s also what I am saying to me
because I need to be my own beacon now
it’s time

time to recover my lost edge and edges

edges and edginess and boldness, recommitting
to boldly glow where I have not glowed before

to rekindle, blow on embers
and remember the superpower of I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone

once, before my lover was my lover, in the land of almosts, he said, “you shine for miles with that smile”,
I think I have drifted away from the me who unapologetically shines,
and I want that again

and edge recovery is also

recovering from having been at the edge
at (and on) my edges and metaphorical ledges

times of too much doing and not enough being,
times of running away, and hurting in deserts

this used to happen to me a lot more, actually
when I read old posts, it seems like past-me was constantly surprised
both at being wiped out
and having to make peace with that

now I don’t resist the call of bed

that’s just how things are
being an empath and probably half-unicorn or at least on the unicorn spectrum
and a very highly sensitive person who is also high sensation-seeking
and being someone who is releasing old trauma

the world is too loud for me and people’s energy is deafening
and I get overwhelmed and disconnected from myself and need
to hide (a lot)
until everything gets quiet in me and around me again

this no longer frustrates me
I just do it
and, to be honest, I think I’ve started to like it

edge recovery for me

is about knowing where mine are
and taking exquisite care of myself
applying the protocol, with love

until I am back in my thank-you heart

what else do I know about edge recovery?

these two types of edge recovery are related, not separate
and definitely not at odds
even if it might sound like they are

I am able to be edgy, bold and wild because
of how I cherish and care for myself, and
this work I am doing to love all of me
including the most vulnerable scared and shaky parts

and I am able to deeply rest
because I am not neglecting my wild self who needs
to be free and express all that needs expression

what is this reminding me of

last week I wished:

I radiate presence, inhabit my life
TAKING UP SPACE UNAPOLOGETICALLY

ah yes, that to me is the essence of edge recovery

what else?

Eve Wild (incoming me) has reached FED UP levels
of being fed up with things

she wants me to go back to brisk morning walks
the way we used to back in tel aviv also during a time of
releasing everything

no more hiding behind Safe Boring Pretty
no more contorting and no more accommodating, and
no more putting up with things that are uncomfortable

and also no more putting up with things that are not-uncomfortable
if that’s the best I can say about them

what is next?

practicing both forms of edge recovery at once

getting back to glowing edgy me
by taking care of worn out and hurting me

taking care of worn out and hurting me
by glowing my glow and my edginess
showing her that I am here
ALL OF ME
taking up space and not apologizing for it

asking for what I need
while also turning inward and giving it to myself

anything else that needs to be revealed in this wish?

this edginess that I am in the process of recovering
is actually new

this is not the reckless self-destructive stupid-streak edginess of my twenties
this is not the brassy forceful edginess of my early thirties
this is edginess with a strong anchor and steady crown

it is time to uncover the places
that need me to bring more of my presence
lighting candles in all the corners
whispering truth

now

I wanted to write this post this morning and couldn’t find it in me to start

Eve Wild reminded me about the importance of
~~ Change Your Place Change Your Luck ~~
and made me change clothes too, of course
(black, red, leopard print, dark eyeliner, lips)
and sent me out of the house to go be her for a while

we ended up in the corner of a dark pub
listening to whiskey in the jar and turn the page
good songs for writing

I just looked to my left to find a stack of books on the window ledge,
the titles are all clues, and together they make a story:

beneath the sea
on the road
meaning in texts
curious world

how perfect is that

superpower of fearless intentional choosing.

September - Stand in My Strength Moreaugust was trust more, now I am ready to stand in my strength more, as september brings fearless intentional choosing

I am weaving this superpower into this week’s wish:

fearless at the edges, choosing recovery with intention / choosing the edges: intentionally fearless in recovery / intentionally recovering my fearless edges

last week’s wishes

aka wishes at the foot of the mountain

I wrote:

anything incongruent and disharmonious exits my life quickly and easily,
so that my cherishing powers stay strong….

with beautiful, glowingly powerful boundaries that I
don’t need to enforce because they just are

and I got lots of the first part of that, and a beautiful glimpse of the second

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here (and the new icon!),
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

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