Divisible By Eleven (story hour)

This weekend was both my divorceiversary and my birthday, and I am Divisible By Eleven, so it was celebratory and also very chill.

I was going to do four hundred and forty four sun salutations to mark the day, but then I remembered my need to be OVER THE TOP and made it five hundred and fifty five. Also I like 5s for hamsa protection magic, and obviously I am still trying to impress the assassins of Nanda Parbat.

Other than that, gave myself five hours of slow bobcat time and then made a luscious meal of good things, and stuck candles in my bourbon pecan sea salt fudge masterpiece (pic on instagram). It was a solo party, and it worked for me.

I am so glad to be alive, and that is always worth celebrating.

Weekend Check-in, we made it.

Reviewing the week aka Chicken/Check-in is not only a reassuring ritual and fun to say, but another form of remembering, turning inward with attentiveness.

We can name what was difficult and name what worked, I find naming therapeutic. What am I experiencing and how am I experiencing it? All intel is useful.

Mainly we’re here to take a breath for having made it here. High fives all around and hand-to-heart appreciation.

If I neglect to name something big in the world, could be ADHD, but also I’m on an extended break from news after spiraling hard in December.

Breathing for what was hard, challenging, uncomfortable, not fun…

THING ZERO and THING ONE remain the combination of the pandemic and the dissonance, the lack of an agreed upon reality or even a shared context, re the coronavirus and also in the political.

The pandemic has been so revealing and so clarifying, and that’s maybe the most diplomatic thing I can say about it, but one of the main things it has revealed and clarified is how many people I know (and thought I admired and respected) who view my life as expendable, and seemingly view most lives as expendable.

There are many people, places and experiences I miss fiercely, like my favorite yoga studios, and immersing in a float tank, but even if this thing ends and those experiences make a comeback, I WILL KNOW AND REMEMBER that they stayed open and risked lives, I will remember everyone who held a masks optional event, I will remember the choices people made that put others in harm’s way. And so even if the places I miss return, I will not be able to enjoy them, because now I know.

The pandemic has been such a betrayal in so many ways, and one of the things I resent most is I used to like so many people and now I am unable to trust them.

Really it’s such an all-encompassing theme, betrayals. The year itself betrayed us, the government, the idea that we could work together to help each other, all illusion.

Meanwhile Arizona is in fire season, and the air quality in Tucson is extremely terrible right now. Well, it’s technically in the category they call Poor, but given that I get headaches and a sore throat even in the Moderate zone, I’m gonna go ahead and categorize this as terrible.

Not to mention disorienting because it is bewildering to me when other people don’t react as strongly, another way I’m experiencing a different reality than everyone around me.

Also it is not the most fun having a dry cough in plague times and having to remind myself over and over again that I have a much stronger reaction to things in the air than anyone else I know.

Oh, and I watched the pilot of a show that someone recommended, and they neglected to mention that it has a TRAUMATIZING EVENT in it, and I thought I did okay watching it, but back to nightmares at night and angry pacing by day, and so much tending to the me who survived the bad things but is not okay.

Other than that, just a lot of grief. And it wants to visit between 3am and 5am, which is not the most convenient time for a sobbing session, but that’s where we’re at right now.

Breathing for what was good, reassuring, joyful, sweet

This week held lovely things.

Solo dance parties. Smiling to myself. Hanging out with the best dog.

Also I had more (distanced) human interaction this week than I’ve had in a year, and omg IT IS SUCH A DELIGHT TO TALK TO PEOPLE AGAIN, I really needed that. And I wish my good mood was not so tied to this because it is so hard to attain, but I GOT TO HAVE THREE WHOLE CONVERSATIONS THIS WEEK AND I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON.

Got to walk in the sun for an entire hour with my favorite person to do that or anything with, and my face hurt from smiling.

I made time for myself this week, I am learning to be the person who always has enough time for me, which means taking time, and being generous with my time. Here’s to the pleasure of lounging on the patio in the sunshine, and the joy of being in one place and not needing to move for another week.

Not to mention the treasure of hot tub time under the stars surrounded by saguaro.

I baked gluten free chocolate banana bread, who am I.

My wish for supportive solutions that hold me in high regard is percolating, and many lovely unanticipated options for potential living situations are showing up out of nowhere which is exciting, and maybe they are clues and not yeses, but I can tell they are lighting the way. Things can work out beautifully, I just don’t know how yet, and I don’t need to.

Delicious things remain delicious. Vengeance remains a delightful pursuit. Legs up the wall remains a perfect way to spend an evening.

Thank you again so much to everyone who sent me surprise Appreciation Money this week via Barrington’s Discretionary, it is always welcome and received with love, and if I can land in a place, which is the wish-goal of wish-goals, I can share more writing here, that’s my preferred way to fill time; writing and hopeful thoughts.

Play with me in the comments! You know the drill…

I love company! You can always use a made-up name in the comments whether in service of safety or playfulness.

We are all going through what we are going through. So we make this a sanctuary by not care-taking or problem—solving for other people, we can leave each other warmth or hearts of love or pebbles of witnessing. I still have not figured out how to get emoji to work in the comments, sorry!!

How are we holding up? Anything hard and/or good in your week that you want to name here? Sometimes naming helps. I have found for me that taking breaths while I name things helps a lot.

And if that’s not your thing, you can say hi or name something you’d like more of for the coming week.

Love ya,

The Fluent Self