horizon

Calling do-overs on the month of Desire

It turns out Desire is intense and a little scary, because it is about making room to want, to allow myself to be someone who wants.

And this is a lot. I went and hid out in the woods for a few weeks with a very opinionated cat and many deer. I learned about spaciousness and about loneliness, I learned about craving, I learned about comfort.

Crossing through.

Now it is suddenly July and I am still making peace with Desire, and with the various desires of June, exploring what it means to let them exist. What happens when I let myself hear them, see them, feel them in my bones?

So let’s keep going with this. Let’s meet Desire and keep meeting her, let’s meet these missions with curiosity, patience, appreciation and fascination, letting these qualities infuse the passage from June into July, in the spirit of All Timing Right Timing.

June is DESIRE and July is ANTICIPATION, and these are clearly related. Noticing my apprehension and wondering what it would take to let it reconfigure into anticipation.

Deciding that this process of exploring my relationship with desire (in all forms) can be the just-right portal to whatever is next. What if Desire is not so much a quality but a superpower?

Entry for the entering

Taking a minute — or maybe even more than a minute (?!) for
{pause + breathe}
{pause + notice}
{pause + feel what is here}
because how can I know what I want or need
when I have forgotten where I am…

Join me if you like, and yes, reading counts as joining.

Hello to my forgotten heart

Sixteen breaths of hello heart aka how is your heart, friend
hi, forgotten heart-space and all the forgotten places of wanting!

(I forget but then I remember)

Thank you to Lisa Mae for this piece of perfection in question-form, which returns me to the heart of it all (jinx!)

I can feel the immediacy and the elegance in how it slices through everything, the bullshit small talk, the half-lies I tell myself.

This question is a door and a returning, a clear and loving expression of [let’s get back to what is real-and-now], an invitation I will always answer.

How is your heart, friend?

A month (or more) for exploring Desire

This yearning to turn inward and re-remember, to feel again and new, this is also my hello to each new month that is incoming.

And of course it is also a greeting to all the Incomings aka the versions of self on their way in, the qualities they embody, everything we are inviting, right now, everything we are calling in, with love.

Focus

My focus right now is Powerful Foundation, and this is funny because focus itself is also a form of power and foundation.

And: this is how we mobilize, act, stand, fight if needed.

My mission is to learn more about incoming me who is currently taking the form of a glamorous gorgeous assassin. I want — no, I FIERCELY DESIRE — her wildly intimidating qualities and superpowers, including:

stealth! tactical! fierce! balanced! sexy!
unapologetic about the above as well as everything else!
every single movement or non-movement is efficient, powerful and graceful!
amazing boundaries that border on magic!
can cut through bullshit with a glance!
wants what she wants!
trusts her instincts!

Some clues / Some noticing

These are clues for me and maybe some will also be clues for you:

  • CLUE: the thing that was the solution is not the solution anymore (?!)
  • CLUE, related to above: this is not a bad thing, it is just new
  • CLUE: adornment has meaning
  • CLUE: just add intention
  • CLUE: begin from a powerful foundation
  • CLUE + massive insight: It isn’t yes vs no, it’s yes vs clue, and because everything is a clue about a yes, I keep things in my life that are Less Than Yes so that I don’t forget my actual yeses, but then these clues just CLUTTER MY DESIRE FIELD, does that make sense?
  • CLUE: home is a stronghold, what else is a stronghold
  • CLUE: “no need to push here, your body will be ready when it’s ready” (apparently I needed to be around someone who said this nineteen times in an hour and a half)
  • CLUE: A Critical Mass of Wild Extravagance
  • CLUE: Sometimes wanting is scary, sometimes just admitting that I want is scary, sometimes I am scared of how much I want to be wanted, and it is all okay, desire is a powerful narcotic and also a powerful healing, and it gets twisted by culture, and it makes sense that we can feel conflicted about all aspects of it, points to us for paying attention to everything that comes up and recognizing that these reactions are understandable!
  • CLUE: A round hobbit house door is very unexpected
  • CLUE: do it like an assassin: the assassin doesn’t sweat the small stuff, the assassin executes the small stuff (I am murdering my to-do list, and it is hilarious)
  • CLUE: X begins where Y Stops
  • CLUE: Sometimes the fastest way to activate a superpower is saying “ACTIVATE!”

My missions for the month of Desire and beyond

Operation Stay Curious
How can I welcome my desires with warmth, while getting clear and grounded so that I can easily and efficiently differentiate between wishes and clues?

I am ready to be the queen of discerning what is a reverberating heart-space FUCK YEAH 120% TRUE YES versus what might be a clue about or towards a possible future yes.

(A hint, for me and maybe also for you: turns out most things are clues!)

And so we invite in the superpower of I Can Appreciate A Good Clue And Still Wait For My Yes.

This secret op is dedicated with great love to the memory of Anthony Bourdain and the superpower of receptivity to all good surprises

The Whirling Missions
Feeling a fit of Congruencing coming on (when we make internal changes, our external space feels dissonant, every step towards making things more harmonious is a big deal), but what if this doesn’t need to take place through having a a fit? What if it can just be a good fit instead?

I am calling this a whirling for now, like a dervish, let this be a good fit through a whirling of spirals and circles, a healing through roundness.

These missions are also about receiving orders (from deep inside, the Glamorous Assassin), and then executing these orders, like an assassin, with lightness and efficiency, what happens when I approach my day in stealth bad-ass mode, glowing and intentional…

Powerful Foundation
This is about feet, this is about strongholds, this is about press down to go up, this is about moving from stability into possibility as Melissa says.

This is about channeling the most fearless version of my glamorous assassin self, Janelle Monae meets Emma Peel meets Trinity from the Matrix, unstoppable glorious action, and it all comes from this foundation of a new relationship with feeling powerful in my presence.

And yes, this is about boundaries, and I know this because two days after naming this op, I had about seven hundred boundary-related challenges and we know how this works when you wish for a thing and then immediately get the opposite of it in the form of a challenge.

A story, part i

A while back, my dance teacher’s teenage step-daughter asked her, “Who’s that one student of yours, you know the one, she looks like a sniper…

And of course Jen knew exactly who she meant, and this story delights me because yeah, I look like a sniper, but also because apparently I am terrible at being incognito, to the point that a fifteen year old blew my cover.

A story, part ii

Last week I told my dance teacher about this secret identity that is incoming, how I want to feel my way into this Bond girl assassin self, wildly intimidating and mysterious, who even knows whose side she’s on, she’s so powerful and compelling that it doesn’t matter.

In fact, she’s so powerful and compelling that she stops making sense in most settings. You are not surprised to see her at the gala at the embassy, even though she doesn’t have an invitation. But at the supermarket she is out of place.

I said I want to embody her essence so completely that it seems completely bonkers when I am seen in a supermarket, sure maybe I’m inconspicuous when I need to be, but also devastatingly dangerous and suspiciously glowy.

Jen was like OH HELL YEAH WE ARE DOING THIS, and proceeded to give me a bunch of homework in the form of assassin-related dance drills on things like using the secret diamond in the heel of my shoe to cut a perfect circle in glass, and how to hold my body while carrying a champagne flute on my way to elegantly murder someone deserving of my wrath.

We called that one flutes and glutes, because I am the funniest, and this might become a future workshop, just saying…

A story, part iii

The next day around lunch time I was at the supermarket, and a checker guy IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AISLE yelled over to me, “hey what’s going on this isn’t your usual time to be here!”

I actually haven’t been there in months but yes, I used to go in the mornings when I was cat-sitting in the neighborhood, and he remembered. So. There it is.

Complimentary

Someone I love is truly the world expert at delivering compliments, his compliments are so completely themselves that even if your monsters think they are ludicrous and over-the-top, it doesn’t matter because his words are so pure in their love that they cannot ring anything but truth.

What he says is truth, both for him when he says it, and just in general.

Like it or not, you are compelled to believe every spectacular thing he says about you because of course he is right, and then you walk around all day like YES, I AM REALLY GOOD AT EXISTING AND I DO HAVE AMAZING HAIR, and it is seriously the best feeling in the entire world.

His marvelous compliments are somehow always delivered at the exact right moment in the exact right tone, built-in effervescence, and they make me want to fill the world with even more wildly extravagant but completely true observations about everyone I love.

Here’s a text from him that made me smile for a week:

“Havi, listen. You are perfect. You are sexy. You are ruthless. You have excellent grammar. You are a glorious, striking, green eyed marvel. I will see you at breakfast.”

I now feel this much enthusiasm about everything that is a yes.

Also about you, person who reads and hangs out here:

I cherish you. You have palpable sparkle, that’s why we twinkle at each other so well.

I am thrilled that you exist and that the internet is bringing us into each other’s orbits.

Also, your hair is amazing, and I don’t even have to see it to know this, because I can just feel the truth of this.

What is the beautiful truth in Wild Enthusiasm?

I think this wild enthusiasm is how I am learning to differentiate between a desire and a clue.

The more I tell the truth about what is beautiful, wonder-inducing and a joy to be around, the more I know what (and whom) to treasure in my world. To treasure and to keep.

And the more I acknowledge what glows, the clearer I am on what does and doesn’t need to be in my life right now.

I have become someone who appreciates enthusiastically, and this is also helping me get through this dark and terrible timeline of awful heartbreaking news. My heart still hurts, all the time, the news is devastating, and also I am finding more joy in small beautiful moments.

The joy is sustaining me, and it is becoming part of the Powerful Foundation that will help me mobilize. And this is secretly what I desire (Month of Desire) more than anything. To be in my power, do what’s right, and not lose myself in the pain.

What does Fearless look like?

This is the next step in the mission of Welcoming Desire.

I don’t know the answer to this yet but I have been dialoging with Me Who Is Afraid and Me Who Is Fearless, and it turns out that both of them are very wise, loving and funny. I like them both.

Me Who Is Fearless has some killer intel though, and she is helping me get closer to my desires as well as knocking things off my to-do list because nothing intimidates her, and it is amazing.

And when I find myself in a perception of stuck/lost, which is a natural and normal part of any secret mission, I let these parts of me talk it out, until perspective returns.

Come in, superpower of Perspective Returns! That might be one of the most important pieces in this mission of exploring Desire.

Some current secret and not-so-secret desires

Some of these are encoded which is a form of the practice of Safety First as well as the practice of Make It Play, both of these can be very useful (and stealthy!) approaches to desire

+ Gain In Strength (for things like Standhand and Playup!)
+ More power, less effort aka relax into strength
+ I Am Of The Ground But Live In The Air And This Delights Me
+ Love more / Trust more / Wish more / Pause more
+ The Right Dress For The Gala (this is a proxy, but…)
+ The Right Tool For The Job
+ The Right Job Given The Tools
+ Villianness!
+ Stealth Ship Design
+ My backup plans have backup plans but also I don’t care about plans

Questions, asked with love.

What is this month called Desire
and what does it mean to be okay with wanting
and what else do I know about fearlessness?

Let’s seed these for now, and let intel percolate, as we do.

Let’s trust in the process of asking and desiring, trust that this is all helping us prepare to mobilize.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! in the comments or anything sparked for you, or process what needs processing, maybe through skipping stones.

We remember that People Vary, we meet ourselves and each other with kindness, we don’t give advice. This is space for process, and process is unique, and more importantly, internal. We can always use a proxy or cover story if we need one.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.