September - month of Contentment

A content warning of sorts

Hey friend, if you are here to read my words today, I should probably warn you that in this moment (and by “moment”, I mean the past six weeks at least), I am a fire-breathing dragon and my wingspan is enormous…

And I have absolutely no idea what words might spill from me today, what form my fury might take, what I might bring up or knock over…

If [trauma-related], I will do what I can to tread lightly because of Safety First, I know we are all hurting now, but again, I have no idea what I will say, and am liable to say anything to anyone, and it is possible that I am also too angry to edit…

Certainly I have not even been able to sit to write until today, and now I am here (but as a dragon!)

Welcoming a dragon

Dragon-me is welcome because that is the me who is here, the embodiment of Fierce Fury and this Startling Incandescent Rage that is striking in all meanings of that word.

Welcoming, and a dragon

It’s not a bug, it’s a feature (and also it’s a dragon!)

Not a weakness, but a source of new strength, not a flaw, hell no, it’s a superpower…

What does it mean to call in/on the superpowers of Seeing The Superpowers? What do I see when I decide to experience every uncomfortable disruptive emotion as a superpower? What is the superpower of hell yes today I am a dragon, and I have been a dragon for weeks now, and it is hard for me to write words because I am a dragon?

Wield What You Fucking Have

Wield What You Fucking Have

Haha, the raging fire in me sparks in recognition of the raging fire in you, welcome to the yoga of breathing fire and destruction, beloved dragon friends!

LET’S FUCK SHIT UP WITH ALL THIS ANGER, let us use this as as Fuel and as Catalyst and Forms Can Change, It Is Time, let’s do this.

What if all I have is my NO and my fury

Good.

After all, so often it is exactly that moment of arriving at the FUCK NO ABSOLUTELY NOT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES THIS IS NOT OKAY which fuels the quest for a better yes, and what are we doing here if not devoting ourselves to the pursuit of more-and-better yes?

New

This anger is so familiar and yet it is new, how is it new?

Well, the emotion is not new, just the VASTNESS and also Just How Little I Care About Filtering It For Other People’s Perceived Need To Be Comfortable Around Me, this is new…

Here and not

I am rage-crying from fury and helplessness, from distress and pain, from something beyond fury, a murderous spear-throwing vengeful storm of being.

I am here, in the car, the yoga studio, the cafe, I am here in these places but I am also everywhere I have ever been…

(That is to say, the first time a stranger put their hand on my ass in a bookstore, or brushed up against me for way too long in a shop, or pinned me into the shelves at the grocery store, or touched my body on the street, and all the times after the first times, and all the times it wasn’t a stranger but someone I trusted, that too.)

Kavanaugh

Like many women, I am not sleeping much.

I dream about Kavanaugh and then I wake up at 3am and spend a few hours recovering.

He is not in my dream. The dream is about the fact that he exists.

In the dream, Dream-Me finds every one who has ever touched me without consent, and puts a spear through him. She does this because it’s her job, but I won’t say that she doesn’t enjoy it.

It takes many hours, and the dream continues over weeks, because there are so many memories, always more, and also new ones because of all the moments I have forgotten, or intentionally misunderstood or made myself forget, I allowed them to be rewritten in my mind to not lose my mind, and anyway, you couldn’t possibly spear everyone who needs spearing in just one night, there are too many of them.

And then I am awake, and I think about things I don’t want to be thinking about, and about spears.

And also about how none of this is unique to my life, none of this is some weird anomaly, this is the experience of so many of us, of nearly every woman I know…

Real talk though

DREAM-ME IS NOT WRONG: WHY NOT WITH SPEARS, TOSS THEM INTO PITS OF SNAKES, I WANT TO FIND THEM ALL AND MAKE THEM REMEMBER, BECAUSE I AM SO TIRED OF THESE LONG SLEEP-DEPRIVED NIGHTS, THESE SUDDEN THREE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING REMEMBERINGS, I AM TIRED OF REMEMBERING ALL THESE MEN, I AM ANGRY AT HOW THEY HAVE STOLEN MY TIME AND MY SLEEP, AND I AM DONE, BEYOND DONE

More real talk

Part of me is working hard on opening a new retreat center where we can breathe/cry/move/write/process/play and commune with our wise powerful Incoming Selves in safety and sanctuary.

But part of me wants to just open a sanctuary for vigilante training, let’s work on everything from buffer phrases and force fields to full-on spear-throwing.

This wish is a tiny bit of a proxy, but also it is very real: I am ready to be about a thousand times more terrifying and intimidating, fearsome and formidable, than I ever even knew I wanted to be.

Yes? COME JOIN ME. Let’s train.

I want to be a panther and dragon, a medusa and artemis of the hunt and venus rising from the sea, and I want to be good with a spear.

Snakes

I am writing, but I am a mass of snakes, of [writing snakes and writhing snakes], Medusa and all the foremothers of this fury, the furious furies:

SEE US, with our wings and talons and glowing anger-embers!

Snakes, also

“Well, you knew he was a snake when you took the job…”

This is what my friends said when I told them that my boss at the yoga studio assaulted me. (And people wonder why nothing gets reported? If that’s what my friends said, I don’t even want to imagine what the cops would say…)

First of all, no, I did not know that, why did no one tell me?

And second, what does that even mean? We are just supposed to get used to being assaulted because snakes are everywhere, that’s just how it is?

But what if we throw them into a pit of snakes, the ones who take and take and take without permission, who think their taking is a compliment…

What if we inhabit the world with writhing snakes in our hair, what if we write-and-writhe our pain and fury into art, while they experience what it means to fear the way we fear, welcome to being afraid, snakes!

That’s where I am right now

I am [being] in this being-state, which is to say being both the eruption and the thing that is erupting…

All that to say:

(1) big feelings abound, and they are real and they make sense and they matter

(2) and also let us be here with strong force fields, steady breath, intention, so that we aren’t all unconsciously casually amplifying each other’s pain, since there is so much of it and we are all hurting, now more than ever

(3) acknowledgment & legitimacy: this is where I am right now, a breath for [this is where I am right now]

Let’s begin with fragments, because that is what I have, that might even be what I am…

Fragments

FRAGMENTS, this needs to be written in fragments because that is all I have to give right now, that is [my experience of BEING right now], fragmented.

I am whole with the whole/hole, but it needs to be expressed in the fragments, because we are in pieces.

A fragment

Driving down through New Mexico, Bernalillo to Las Cruces, a winding two lane mountain highway, and a road sign:

STRONG WINDS SOMETIMES EXIST

Yeah they do.

Exist / Sometimes

Obsessed with this deliciously odd and unlikely sign wording, what else does this work for?

Strong [emotions] sometimes exist!

Except what if they always exist, and sometimes they are just existing their way across the road we happen to be existing on…

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (1/?)

It was the 11th of September and I took a wrong turn and then followed a bunch of signs to the ranch where D.H. Lawrence used to live in Taos, I suddenly had that feeling of THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE NOW…

That frisson feeling, tiny hairs on edge, something is different here, the molecules reconfiguring, the air is different.

A sensation of being called up the mountain to witness

But it was closed and so I turned around and went somewhere else.

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (2)

A few days later the timing was right and I made it to the ranch, where I learned that the 11th was his birthday, and also the day he left the ranch for the last time, that was what wanted my witnessing.

I also learned that he never bothered to learn to type, he was fine having the women in his life, all talented writers and artists in their own right with their own SHIT TO DO, put aside their own art in order to type up his.

Fuck. That. Guy.

D.H. Lawrence was an asshole (3)

I stretched out lengthwise on the bench where Georgia O’Keefe used to write and gaze up at her favorite tree, it really is a good tree.

I thought about the thing someone said about Lawrence (“he did nothing that he did not really want to do, and all that he most wanted to do he did”), which is an amazing and almost baffling description.

I want to steal the glowing silver essence embodied in that phrase and give it to all the women I know.

Look at me, I am the dream-stealer and I am made of wings and fire, watch me take your dreams and your powers.

Oh, and learn to type, asshole.

Laughter

I heard Georgia laughing.

I was born too early, she said
Fly and rage for me, she said

The tree

I hugged the tree that Georgia O’Keefe loved so fiercely, and the tree said comforting things:

FILL THE SPACES AROUND YOU
AND UNDER YOU
WITH LOVE

That is what is said to me and that is what I will share with you, even in my fury state.

(We can have both! Love and fury! We can be the Furies and exist in Love, be a force of Love, and a force to be reckoned with, I believe this, or at least right now I do.)

More tree wisdom, fragmented

I asked the tree about a project of mine that scares me and it said:

GROUND FIRST
GET YOUR BASE
THE WORDS WILL COME

SAY THE WORD PRAYER
(the word ‘prayer’? the word-prayer?)
OUT LOUD OR IN YOUR HEART
IT IS ENOUGH

The Light Sanctuary

Everything going spectacularly wrong led me to the light sanctuary, if you are ever in New Mexico, get thee to the light sanctuary.

It is round and all the windows and skylights are prisms so you just bathe in rainbows…

The light sanctuary is a place where Nothing Is Wrong, and I wish to recreate this in my own space, both in a home when I have one, and within the vessel of my body-and-being.

But also, like so many forms of sanctuary, it can quickly become full of people who do not understand how to act in a place of [Sanctuary], and so then you are just helpless and glaring at loud teenagers, leaving because it is time to leave the light…

I wish for better boundaries, a better glare, the right words to say “hey, not okay”, in this and in all situations, amen.

The Sanctuary Sanctuary

Places for Safety First that exist inside of us:

Heart
Breath
Presence (I am here now, I want to be here now)
A quieting that comes from allowing

Solar plexus

I vomited the day before Kavanaugh was confirmed, a fit of kavanausea, because I knew what would happen.

No and more no

A table of boomers at the cafe, talking loudly about how the only thing that matters is his “impeccable” record, and really, “who didn’t do things in their youth that they regret” and “why is this even a big deal”.

I had to immmediately exit because otherwise I would have exploded, because I do not have a handy pit of snakes for them.

Where to

I walked to to the yoga studio and the teacher asked how I am, and I told her, because I answer that question honestly now.

I AM SO ANGRY
I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN
IT NO LONGER SURPRISES ME THAT THE WORLD IS FULL OF RAPISTS
IT SURPRISES ME A LOT THAT PEOPLE ARE SO QUICK TO REVEAL HOW LITTLE THEY CARE

Good

Good, she said, thank you for bringing your pain and honesty and realness to yoga, let’s do a class for this.

So we had a rage class, and it helped.

Canyonscape

I have a Grand Canyon inside me, carved from grief and rage and fury, I saw it during a meditation.

But you know what? The Grand Canyon is beautiful and breathtaking.

Yes, I have experienced pain that is enormous and disruptive, events that have changed the landscape of my life. This upheaval has formed something new, and this new is impressive.

A breath for recognizing this.

Contentment

September on the calendar was the month of Contentment, and yes, I spent most of it in a state of bewildering rage, and this is okay, and I have room inside me to hold the bewilderment, the rage, and wishes for contentment, I can breathe for both.

Are there any moments of Contentment I want to remember? Any noticings or learnings related to this theme?

Being in the light sanctuary. And beneath Georgia’s tree.

Driving into gorgeous New Mexico sunrises and sunsets.

Walking labyrinths. Bathing naked under a startling sky.

Nourishing meals. New friends.

Exiting when it was time to exit.

Breathing my way through.

Seeds of

May these contentment-wishes and contentment-seeds do their work beneath the surface, may our rage and fury also be powerful seeds for new and better, may it all be revealed in right timing how useful it was to experience the Opposite of Contentment in the month of contentment…

And if you want to do some spear-throwing with me, that is welcome too.

I am thinking of ways I can be of service in these times, and have some ideas about that.

For now (a quiet invitation)

For now, come take breaths with me, share any sparks, leave a comment so we can have some togetherness in whatever form, join in my vigilante mission or glow some love here for all these seeds, fragments, noticings, wonderings and new vision.

Name any superpowers you like, we can all use some more…

Here’s to Safety First, to More & Better, to Fierce & Formidable, to New Superpowers Revealed, whatever is needed. Thank you for being here with me while I process my way through, as we do, with presence and breath and as much grace as we can muster in a moment.

Endless compassion for all the hard things in this life, and a breath of awe and appreciation: I am glad you are here in whatever form, here we are with our landscapes of experience, wishing our contentment-wishes, exploring and noticing and taking exquisite care of ourselves to the best of our ability, the work of this life, and it is a big deal.

Also a big deal: recognizing just how much I trust you that I can write these words and let them go. Thank you for that.

And I do not have any bandwidth to write a Not All Men etc disclaimer here, I am going to trust that your good heart trusts my good heart, may it all be received as it is said, with clarity and truth and my arsenal of spears