very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 329th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

glowing

I made butter this week from fresh cream
in a jar
not sure exactly what I was expecting
but the butter that emerged from this experiment:
holy god

so exquisitely glowing with [BUTTER ESSENCE]
I placed it in a red dish
next to half a stick of leftover store-bought butter
which suddenly looked phony, tired, a pale anemic imitation
of my butter

my butter was a rich golden yellow
and tasted of life and magic

I made a mushroom omelet for lunch

with my gorgeous butter
this is a not-uncommon lunch for a Havi
but everything was different this time

the mushrooms sizzling in the richness of butter
an entirely different form of alchemy taking place
this omelet redefining omelets forever through flavor: incredible
almost agonizingly so
my enjoyment in consuming… borderline inappropriate

I didn’t feel drawn to add cheese or spiciness
it needed no adornment
the sensual experience of taste so all-encompassing
that my thoughts couldn’t drift

pleasure demanded presence
it asked for all of me
to be there with it

pleasure asking for presence

my two favorite things
combined

they work so well in combination
{PRESENCE + PLEASURE}
I’m not sure yet but I think
this week’s wish might be about combinations

combinations of qualities
and combinations of ingredients

* possibly my three favorite things
since three hundred and twenty nine weeks of wishing wishes
have eased me into the idea that asking is not only okay but
wild, beautiful and holy

touch

I go through my home
touching everything
not only because I am a Wild Sensualist
(and also on the unicorn spectrum)
but because I am trying to feel
what wants to come with me

I am preparing to move from
three thousand square feet of home into
one hundred and thirty six square feet (plus bed)
of suiteness/sweetness
and so it is time for fearless intentional choosing
and asking the right questions
with love

what is 120% yes for me?

that is the question my brilliant friend Agent Annabelle asks

I am letting myself be guided by her yes-question
as well as the beautifully rebellious words of three other wise women
all of whom love pleasure as much as I do
and all of whom understand:

allowing yourself to be someone who loves pleasure
and admits to loving pleasure
is both complicated
and wildly subversive

we live inside of a culture that censures pleasure-taking
disapproves of delight for its own sake

but I have tasted the transformative healing power of pleasure mixed with intention

and so I am turning away from the finger-wagging culture of shame-guilt
and The Game Is Rigged,
away from the entire world of
[Get Things Done and Be More Awesome and Do Epic Shit]

turning inward towards my own glowing jewel-heart
nourishing it with presence and pleasure
choosing joy and wild fearless being:
letting being be equal in meaning to doing

tingly

Marie Kondo says everything in your home loves you and wants you to feel
like you are in love: tingly sensory pleasure
and that if this isn’t how you feel when you touch an object,
then it needs to go

so that it can love someone else that way
who will love it back that way
or so that its essence (love) can come back to you in a
new and better form

either way, you touch and love and let go
in order to actively cultivate
that full-body joy-spark sensation in all aspects of your life

or at least that’s the idea…

taking pleasure

Gloria Steinem says, only buy what you fall in love with,
she described the pleasure of acquiring sheets for herself as orgasmic

she says it took her until the age of fifty to realize that
you are allowed to make a home just for you —
home is not just reserved for the people who made
the expected/usual choices
and ended up with Families
(or something that more or less falls into that category)

she says, “we think there are two choices, be free or settle,
but that’s a lie;
birds need a nest and they still fly”

she says she takes so much pleasure now in her nest

this is what I want

a pleasure-nest
for delicious rest and retiring into things that
support freedom

resting until all the lies and distortions
become so apparent
that we can just laugh them off
seeing right into their infrastructure without being at all impressed

what a beautiful wish to wish!

I want to be a pleasure-taking nest-building clear-seeing
free spirit in all things

(with an orgasmic relationship to sheets)

please yourself

Nigella Lawson says you must
please yourself to please others
and this is true for all forms of both creating and being

As I said to Grace, with great feeling:
Nigella is a subversive POET OF PLEASURE,
why are we not devoting our lives to studying
the hidden wisdom in her books that are purportedly about cookery
but really about JOYFUL ALIVENESS

I love her assertion that choosing to feed yourself
lovely delicious simple-to-make
pleasure-things has meaning,
so that we may “enjoy life on purpose rather than by default”

why has no one said this before

or maybe that’s the wrong question

how have I not been able to receive this before
what have I been doing with my time
nearly four decades in this experience of aliveness
without realizing how vitally necessary and healing it is for me to
engage with aliveness
to say yes to pleasure

to hear my yes
and wait for it to hit 120%

what do I know about 120%?

it is so funny how this works
if something is 89%, that feels like a pretty strong yes…

but when you bump up the scale to 120%
I know it isn’t logical
but it just sheds the exact right amount of light
on things that really are not yes enough to warrant
taking up space in my life

playing with this has shown me
just how many situations and relationships I agree to in life
that are maybe 67% yes

120% changes things
it’s kind of exciting
and a little scary

it’s the difference between yes-this-is-good
and MY CUP RUNNETH OVER
because the joy sparks are so plentiful, so joyful, so spark-filled

what else about this wish?

may you live to be one hundred and twenty
is a thing that jews say

it’s kind of like shorthand for
“I wish for you a long, healthy, happy, peaceful life
that is everything you want it to be”

120 is a stand-in for
[all the good things]

there’s something more about this wish….

this intentional practice/pursuit/engagement of YES
is related to pleasure and to home,
freedom and nest,
adventure and security
wildness and plenty
sovereignty and rest

and the relationships between these qualities
and the joyful practice of LESS

intersecting

this is where yes meets less:
luscious minimalism

doing less in both time and space
choosing contained spaciousness
and naps as portal-bridges to healing

opting out of The Game Is Rigged
wherever and whenever I can

playing at the margins
taking fifteen glorious minutes
to make butter
[let “butter” = anything]
that alters my internal state of being
anything that asks me to taste, to luxuriate in this moment

my breath slowing

pleasure claiming me
as I invoke it
both of us (me and Pleasure) fully engaged
in sweet aliveness

choosing this
even — especially? — when things are hard
and vaguely terrifying
when I forget truth
in moments of numbness or pain, in dark and narrow places

I write words on my palms with my fingertip
feeling how they absorb into my body
changing the streams
letting my body transport meaning
we are made of water and light
and language

words travel and go deep,
so I choose mine deliberately:

LIFE / HERE / NOW / GRACE / THANK YOU

what do I know about my wish this week

it’s about sanctuary, as so many of my wishes are

except until now it never occurred to me that
choosing sanctuary can be pleasure,
and pleasure can be my sanctuary

safety first is my guiding light in all things
but what if that too can be joyful, pleasurable,
another way to I take care of myself with love:
120%

may it be so!

now

a friend is flying to Ireland and I texted “fair winds”
except autocorrect thought that fair wings was a better wish
wings for freedom
and for birds who love nests

everyone in my life is traveling right now except me (it seems)
and I am noticing a twinge of lonely-envy
so it is time to turn inward, again,
and remember that internal adventuring in my kingdom
is always available to me
endless realms to explore

what happens if I experiment with
pleasure-nests
in this internal space

trusting my own horizons

I will ask to rendezvous with Incoming Me on the turquoise metal bridge
maybe we will have a picnic
and maybe she will whisper her secrets to me
beneath the trees

superpower of yes to my yes, no to my no.

October - Be Bold More october (on the fluent self calendar) is BE BOLD MORE, with the superpower of yes to my yes, no to my no

how perfect that I set forth on the boldest possible mission — Yes 120 — in the month of be bold more, with this marvelous superpower that just glows with permission, curiosity, clarity and love

thank you, past-me, for choosing this for me

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about quality ingredients

and then surprised myself by making the most luscious butter
which was both a quality ingredient
and an ingredient that released and revealed new qualities in me

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

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