very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write a Very Personal Ad (aka Vision-Possibility-Anticipation) to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. Sometimes wanting feels conflicted or just plain hard, and that’s okay.

At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.

What do I want?

My wish this week has to do with time, and it has to do with writing.

I don’t know that much more about it yet, so maybe the wish has to do with secrecy and shelter, or uncovering and exploring. We’re just going to have to find out.

What do I want?

What do I want?

I want something that is absolutely impossible, according to the well-meaning monster hordes. Namely, time for the many things I want to give time to.

They give a big emphatic NO to this wish. A wall to shut it down. If I poke and press a little at the wall, they whisper that I am delusional.

I know what their mission is. To keep me from getting hurt, feeling disappointed, giving up.

If I try to do the impossible, I will fail at the impossible, and then I won’t try other things that I need to try. So they want me to give up before I take on this thing that I will fail at.

They want to keep me from pain. I can support that mission.

So let’s find a way to think about this, with the understanding that we are not going to do things that cause me pain, alright?

What do I want?

To take a bath.

What do I want?

Hahaha, now I know exactly what I want. Because I took a bath, and that’s where the answer showed up.

What I want is to follow the instinctive pull of desire, like I just did with taking a bath. What Alon calls taking the Next Indicated Step.

And the other thing I want is a new relationship with the Secret Window.

The Secret Window is my new name for the two hour slot of 11:30-13:30.

This is the time period I have been thinking of as more like a swamp of doom, but actually it is a secret window.

During these mystery hours, I cannot seem to get any work done, no matter how hard I try. So I either try to force it (which, surprise, does not work), or I give myself permission to not-work and then just end up doing little internet-ey things and feeling generally dissatisfied.

I want to use this Secret Window for my own purposees.

What if I use this Secret Window.

What if I use this Secret Window to do things that really, truly appeal to me? All the things I wish I had time for and never get to, because I’m supposed to be working…

Though actually I’m not working because those two hours are not hours where work gets done.

What if this secret window is a wrinkle in time? What if it is “wrinkling time” through a tesseract?!

Huh, that is actually kind of like fractal flowers

What if I consciously choose to use this secret window for missions and ops that are deeply pleasurable…

And what if (hypothesis!) doing this actually improved the quality of my work that happens later?

Things that could happen during Secret Window Time.

I could…

  • Learn and practice some new ASL signs
  • Watch west coast swing videos and take notes
  • Take a bath and learn useful things, like I did just now
  • Have a miniature version of Putterday
  • Skip all the stones and write what I want to write
  • Take a nap
  • Go for a walk
  • Do yoga nidra
  • Sit in the closet and spend time learning about the parts of me I don’t let out
  • Have a conversation with Incoming Me
  • Play at Transformers (this is a new practice I’m doing, more about that soon)
  • Any of the above, in any combination

What are the qualities of my Secret Window Time wish?

The qualities of:

Playfulness. Spaciousness. Desire. Delight. Grounding. Exploration. Joy. Humming.

How am I going to play with this?

Well, calling it Secret Window Time already feels much more expansive and lighthearted.

It makes me think of the bat cave.

I would like to have an image that goes with this, and of course it will be a tesseract. I kind of wish I had something like a Secret Window Time cape.

But some kind of costume for sure, possibly a necklace.

Because everything is a costume.

* If you or a mysterious secret benefactor should ever happen upon a desire to give Havi a necklace, here is a whisper about the existence of Sami, her work is amazing.

Anything else?

This is perfect for a spy. A spy would absolutely have Secret Window Time. Operation Tesseract! There will be secret agent code.

And flowers. Flowers and dancing. These are the two things that make everything better (for me), so if it isn’t fun, there aren’t enough flowers or dancing, clearly.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…

  • The 4th Closet: mini-announcement.
  • Up the Bork
  • Everything is getting easier.
  • Miracles everywhere.
  • Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
  • Past me is a GENIUS.
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
  • There is money for this.
  • I can see why this moment is good.
  • Trust and steadiness.
  • Hawaii.
  • Happy BeeNBeeNBee.
  • I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.

This week’s ops?

I might work on D is for Dance. There’s still Operation G Presto and the Book of Salves (not a fake band, though it sounds like it).

I will have to see how I feel at Rally (Rally!)

I’m playing with…

Asking questions. Being patient.

Requests and announcements!

This year’s 26 Rallies are almost completely full, with just eight Rallies have openings, though they won’t for long. Take a look at the new page…

I would also like support for our magical Red Rose Ballroom — likes on Facebook is great, as is spreading the word to anyone you know who might want to have an event, program, party, anything at all in Portland…

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Operation Delete 8…

I wanted to delete things, and I did.

There is still much more to delete, but it was a useful experiment that I hope to continue.

Sometimes deleting was liberating and sometimes it was full of stuff. Sometimes instead of deleting, I found I needed to consolidate things into museums (The Museum Of The Thing I Used To Teach) and put them aside for later, and that was okay.

And past-me was a genius, and I was able to see that. So I’m glad I asked.

Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Keep me company?

You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

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