Today I’m letting you peek at my journal.

Here’s some of what I scribbled yesterday morning.


What am I noticing? What am I feeling this morning?

I am feeling very discouraged this morning. Discouraged and bleak.

And I know from experience (thank you, Book of Me) that discouraged and bleak are signs.

More specifically, they’re signs of the existence of:
a) monsters
b) shoulds and other unquestioned internal rules
c) conflicting desires.

So I am going to pause (paws!) and investigate that, even though Discouraged Me is saying What’s The Point.

But wait — aha! — I already know that What’s The Point is always trying to keep me from discovering something important. So there’s something important here. Probably. Maybe.

What’s the question?

I’m feeling stressed out about time, so let’s just find out what I *would* do with this day if it were all mine.

Weird. I mean, interesting. I wonder why I phrased the question like that. Today is all mine. In a certain sense, at least.

So what’s the information and/or clews in that question?

Maybe that I’m feeling frustrated and resentful about time, and the various demands on it that I perceive to be interfering with… not sure yet with what.

Maybe this is about themes of permission and sovereignty. I don’t know.

Anyway, what am I asking? What I really meant was this:

What might I be doing right now if I didn’t have this long and looming List of Things?

Who wants to speak first?

All of a sudden everyone wanted to talk at once.

I am calling for order. Who’s going to speak first?

Teacher me speaks up.

Teacher Me:

“Listen. We’re teaching the Shiva Nata Snack Preview class at the Playground tonight. There are 25 people coming and another 10 on the waiting list. This is important. It needs your undivided attention. You need to ready yourself and the space:

“That means meditating, yoga, space clearing, the entry ritual, your Hello Day rituals, the ritual of releasing expectations and projections, and WHO KNOWS maybe even decide what you want to teach?

“This is what you need to give your day to.”

And then businesswoman CEO me.

Practical businesswoman CEO business savant me:

“Are you crazy? Today is Plum Duff!*

“Plum Duff! It started yesterday, it ends Thursday morning and you haven’t even announced it or done the thirty things that need doing to spread the word.

“If you don’t do this, Plum Duff might not do what it needs to. And if it doesn’t, all your weeks of prep time are down the drain AND you won’t do it again because you won’t be motivated because all you will remember is how much work it was.

“Your class will run itself. You’ve been teaching Shiva Nata classes for like, seven years. You can run an amazing class without having to do all those things to get ready for it. Your business NEEDS you right now.”

* password = extraraisins

Monsters speak up.

The monsters from the grumblethrum collective:

“You have to do *all* of it! ALL of it!

“And get your hair done. Or at least do something with it. You look ridiculous!

“And call Amy. And bring the snacks to the Playground. And go to your dance class. And do some laundry. And finish that other thing. If it doesn’t ALL get done, the day is wasted! Forever!”

So. Where do we go from here?

Obviously, both yoga teacher me and chief eccentricity officer me have very valid points. And the monsters are probably right about my hair, even if we can put off the rest of it.

And yet it still comes down to this:

Today is one day.

And I want to live it lovingly, consciously and intentionally, which won’t happen if I try to smoosh everything in.

Knowing that, what are our options? Let’s ask Slightly Future Me. She’s already lived through today, so maybe she has some ideas about what to do.

Resolving is a funny word, it turns out.

Me: Hey, slightly future me. Can you tell me how I resolved this?

She: It’s not really about resolving it.

Me: What do you mean?

She: I mean, that’s the wrong question, sweetpea.

Me: Aargh. What’s the right question?

Never mind, if you wanted to tell me you would have told me.

Okay. Let me ask it like this. Can you tell me what will help me come into a different relationship with today?

She: That’s a lovely question. Okay. Let’s take this back to essence.


Me: Huh? Oh, right. I can do that. Let’s see.

The essence of the Shiva Nata class is: sovereignty, delight, play, grounding, safety, experimentation, freedom, flow, inspiration, focus and support.

And the essence of the Plum Duff: Play, delight, support, inspiration…

Oh. I get i! They are not the same thing, but they share all the same qualities. They’re friends! They can help each other.

So I need to find those qualities. And do things that reflect those qualities. Basically I need to make today about those things.

And as long as I make sure I give myself enough space and time around my decisions, I can’t decide wrong.

She: Exactly!

And that’s what I did.

A couple of Plum Duff things. A couple of teaching preparedness things.

But mostly a lot of messing around with things to help me fill up on play and experimentation and support, and then seeing what needed to be done when I was in that sort of zone.

And of course I did some shivanautical flailing and ate some bunny crackers, and a lot of writing.

It was okay. When I look at my spangly revue, it’s clear that there are definitely a number of things I will probably try differently the next time I’m in a similar situation.

But the main thing is that I stopped feeling discouraged and bleak, which was kind of the point. So it was pretty good, all in all.

Play with me. And comment zen for today.

This is my journal. So it’s pretty, um, personal. And vulnerable to put it here, of course.

The only way I can share things like this is in an environment of safety, support and belonging, which is what we are committed to here.

So: we don’t analyze each other, tell each other how to feel or give unsolicited advice.

What is welcome: Sparklepoints! We can give them to ourselves. Or each other. Also: your own scribblings with slightly future you or notes for your Book of You about time and other things.

And my monsters would also like potato chips, so if you want to leave any here, that would be very nice of you.

Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.

p.s. The Plum Duff days end tomorrow. Password = extraraisins

The Fluent Self