A little raw. A little messy. I spent the weekend running the Shiva Nata teacher training, doing insane amounts of brain training and pattern rewriting, and everything is jumbled. In a really good way.

All the snow globes have been shaken, and everything is sifting and settling in new and remarkable ways.

But processing it? Still a little incoherent. And useful. So here is some of what has come up in my journal, as I prepare for Rally (Rally!).

What I want from this Rally

A giant permission slip to not work on the thing I was going to work on. At least, not to work on it directly, but instead to fractal flower it.

I want to go back to the piling and the depiling, and reconfigure my relationship to the piles, something deeper, more powerful, not really sure what it is.

Oh, but my fuzzball monsters do not like this plan. They say there is no money in this and also waste of time waste of time.

So. Back to what’s also true.

I know that the essence of this old pattern of piling and hating the piles and fearing the piles and meeting the piles is about safety and spaciousness.

And if everything is connected, this new depiling could be a way of creating the spaciousness necessary to build the right frame for the thing I was originally going to work on.

The frame holds everything, remember?

The monsters are considering this. They are gnawing on their hands. But not in a menacing way. Just deep in thought.

They say yes but yes but yes but. The stuttering loop of yes-but.
What is it, guys? What do you need to happen so that you will feel safe and supported again?

Here’s the yes-but.

YES BUT YOU’LL JUST CREATE MORE PILES SO WHAT’S THE POINT OF GIVING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T USE YOUR CREATIVE GENIUS?!

Aw. You guys think I have creative genius? I knew it!

So listen, I have to tell you something, monsterlets.

On the second day of the last Rally, we investigated the online piles. We tracked why things pile and how they pile and where the iguanas go.

Then we deleted 865 Direct Messages. And you said that within a month we’d be back where we started.

So?

So here we are, three weeks later. And how many DMs are in there? None. Zero. Still.

That’s because our creative investigative depiling team was able to identify all the ways (seventeen!) in which I was creating piles, so I could stop doing that.

And we also came up with our chart of the Thirteen Most Common Iguana Species, which we use all the time.

It gave me a system for handing things off. And for not creating. And for deleting when I’m done.

So that particular form of piling is done. Same with the Frolicsome Bar. So things can change, even when you say they can’t.

Sure, there is value in regular maintenance. And yes, maybe doing casual decluttering doesn’t shift the bigger pattern (though I think everything shifts the bigger pattern in some way, really).

But this is different. This is about conscious, mindful, loving, investigative de-piling, which helps me learn how I function in the world and what I need and how not to be in the patterns that keep me in pain.

Spaciousness, again.

Here’s the good part.

This new experience of not constantly being in direct interaction with piles, iguanas, flying shoes and other things that are not supportive?

It creates spaciousness.

AND.

All this spaciousness gives me peace of mind. When I have peace of mind, I am able to be both restful and active.

Creatively active, and physically active. And I generate gwishes, and I make stuff happen. All because of the space to do it in.

I am convinced that this next layer of depiling will change the way I interact with all of my space.

It will lead to a much-improved relationship with both the Wish Room (my home office) and the Pirate Queen Quarters (my office at the Playground).

Inside the thing that is inside.

Okay, monster council and scared, sad, lonely parts of me…

Here is what I know:

I know that these piles are stand-ins. They are proxies for things I am not facing.

This includes pieces of my past, and pieces of pain, and my aversion to confrontation.

And since I’m in the process of rewriting that pattern, using basic destuckification techniques and Dance of Shiva, this is the time.

Guess what we are going to do?

We are going to re-invent this thing that I know of as “confronting”.

We will metaphor mouse it. We will find out what is inside.

Because even though I have spent my entire life thinking that I am terrible at confrontation, this is not true.

Not true at all.

Every time I talk to a wall or negotiate with a monster or respond to shoe-throwing with sovereignty

That’s a form of confrontation.

And I’m actually really good at that. But only when I think of it as acknowledging pain.

I can acknowledge pain.

So what if all the things I am currently seeing as confrontations, impasses, impossible situations… what if they aren’t that at all?

What if I just need to acknowledge some pain? I can do that.

See? That is the power of spaciousness. Bing! Shivanautical genius. I get it.

Anyway, back to the piles and the piling. I don’t need to “confront” the piles: just to acknowledge their pain and my pain, so the pain can dissolve and the new pattern can appear.

To be continued…

In the meantime, play with me? If you want to think about piling and spaciousness and patterns and all of these things, you are more than welcome to.

I would love the company.

As always, basic comment zen applies: we all have our stuff, and we let everyone have their stuff. We don’t tell each other what to do, unless someone specifically asks for advice. And we give everyone room to have their own experience.

Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads. Rally!

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