What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
December obsessions (and other wishes)
December obsessions (and other wishes)
How are we doing, sweet friends
How are we coping, how are we holding up?
Are we managing to do a non-zero amount, however tiny and symbolic, of any the things that help, whether doing them feels good in the moment or is mildly unfulfilling..?
For example, attempting a hip stretch or a shoulder stretch (or both!) for the first time in [REDACTED], which is of course absolutely heroic, even if we just thought about doing it later and planted the seed. 🫡
Thinking about doing is also a step
Thinking about it is also a step, which makes it non-zero effort, in the invisible continuum between zero and one, and I love this for us.
And I mean all of that very genuinely.
Quite often I need to think about things I might do or wish to attempt before I go for it in real time, and yes, the invisible steps are also steps.
Groundwork is groundwork and it counts
Groundwork is groundwork, heroism all around.
It’s brave to try, and also to consider trying. This is something I would have thought was extremely silly twenty years ago, and now I understand that there is so much wisdom and compassion in being able to perceive the invisible seeds of wanting.
There is so much courage in the invisible seeds, and in the patience to let them do their thing in their own right timing.
Still following the protocols
This past week I’ve been having some Total Breakdown days, or semi breakdown days, or whatever, I don’t know, a non-zero amount of breaking down. It happens.
It really does. The extenuating circumstances are many, these are not easy times, and the world is the world.
So I have been following the protocols, because when in doubt: follow the protocols. And when in a breakdown, definitely-definitely follow them.
Two questions
Your mileage may vary of course, because we are different and we all need different things
The protocols, for me, start off with two questions:
- What is useful about this breakdown?
- What would help most right now in the moment?
Not all questions need answers
The first question does not need to be answered; it only needs to be asked.
This is important, actually. It is a question that exists to be a reminder that many, many times in the past, these breakdowns have turned out to be useful.
Maybe these breakdowns revealed an insight or some direction.
Or maybe they got me to clean my floors, amen.
Or maybe they got me to do some journaling after all the crying.
It’s good to be reminded that these experiences of falling apart can be useful and even important, that they are a step in a process, and while this particular step is not enjoyable, the larger process might turn out to be meaningful and fulfilling. It probably will, it quite often does.
The second question grounds me in the moment
The second question grounds me in the moment: What would help me most right now?
Not what might help in general, though that’s a useful list to have on hand or to come up with, but what might help me right now in this moment?
These can be physical things: sixteen breaths, hand on heart, feet on the ground, maybe a mini dance party to one song…
And they can be comforting, reassuring reminders, like now is not then, practicing acknowledgment & legitimacy, remembering to ask what’s true and what’s also true…
Anyway
Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to, following the protocols, asking the questions, doing the things that help or might help, one step and then another step, good job.
And trying to focus on December Obsessions and other December Wishes.
As you know, I love a good obsession, as well as the idea of a good obsession, any obsession port in a storm. My ADHD brain needs to hyper-focus on something enticing, give me the deep dive.
Some good candidates for December Obsessions
I’m thinking about trying a different recipe for tahini brownies (gluten free, vegan) every week until I either find the one true love tahini brownie that knocks my socks off, or, alternately, until I decide that this is not my yes, and some other small dessert can be my winter love story.
Similarly I’m thinking about making granola, though I’m not entirely sure why, or if it would even work with my impossibly tiny oven, since doing things in batches does not always work well with ADHD life, and I am extremely likely to forget what I’m doing and give up partway through.
And I’m thinking about a return to hiking (aka a leisurely meandering walk of an hour or less), something I haven’t done since summer, and then I wasn’t feeling well for a few months. But lately I’ve been training, and endurance is up, and I think I’m up for it too.
Tabula rasa, as symbolic as it needs to be
As always I would love to obsess over any form of a clean slate: an empty inbox, a clean bedroom, closing the tabs.
Obsessing over vocabulary quiz, obsessing over remembering to do LUTW (Legs Up The Wall), obsessing over delicious nourishing breakfasts, obsessing over Do Less To Get More, I’m here for all of it.
What do I know about this
I was thinking this morning that my wish about the tahini brownies is really a wish to have a vegan and gluten-free dessert recipe that I can just make without thinking.
Like I do with chocolate sesame banana bread or with coconut pudding, former obsessions that are now just integrated into my life.
But then I was thinking that this is not a new obsession, this might even be a continuation of a fantasy from childhood, when I would imagine being an adult and magically able to to just whip up some cookies or do some art, like my mom could.
Something about…
And something about how maybe I focused my attention on those specific types of [let’s call them domestic pursuits, even though they don’t have to be], because I knew I would never do the main one.
Ever since I have known myself and remember myself as a person, I have always known that I did not want to be a parent, and I also knew that becoming a parent was what was expected of me as a person. So maybe I solved that in my mind by imagining myself baking instead. We’ll see what my imaginary therapist says about that.
The art of a fifty minute hour
I love a fifty minute hour, be it therapy or a soak in the hot pool. It’s kind of how I do my writing hour (non-zero words, for five sets of ten minutes), and it’s how I do kitchen jogging, set a bell for an hour and the last ten minutes are for slow-down…
An hour is a big commitment, but fifty minutes is somehow more doable.
A fifty minute hour means time for entry, or exit, or both.
I am also thinking about hourglasses as a potentially lovely way to spend a period of time. If I get lost in hyper-focus then I won’t even know how long I’ve been away at sea, but in a good way.
Obsessions with ritual
Because my brain is how it is (ADHD plus traumatic brain injury plus long covid, the trifecta of being super fucking out of it a lot of the time), I use ritual even more than usual to set the form of my day.
Ritual is the container.
It does not matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning (tired, panicked, confused, unsure), I do the morning things in the order of the morning things. It helps, even when it is unfulfilling, though quite often it both feels good and helps more than I expect it to.
So how can we slowly and steadily layer on more and more of these?
Monsters
Obviously my monsters of self-criticism have formed a choral group (it was also Monster World Cup last week if anyone noticed extra monstering in the air) to follow me around and sing songs about how I make poor life choices and have ruined my life, etc etc.
They think obsessions are silly, they think tahini brownies are a bad idea.
They say I am just setting myself up for failure and disappointment, what if I don’t even like my obsession?
But guess what
But guess what, obsessions are a vehicle for passion, but the object of the obsession is neutral and can be changed. If brownies aren’t the thing, maybe a green chile apple crisp is the thing.
We’re experimenting. We are trying things out in order to set into motion the experience of caring about things again, and if I can care about things again, I can care about life and aliveness, I can do a better job of taking care of myself.
It’s not nothing. It’s a lot.
Alright, what’s working?
Honestly, this December is already better in many ways than the last one.
The enormous projects of replacing the two windows on the north side of the tiny house trailer and getting a new hot water heater installed took over a year, but now I can wash my hands in warm water, which is life changing, and the house holds in heat much better than before.
Tea lights are lit, with loose incense I made. And the December experiments are going strong.
The experiments are starting strong
I’ve already run some Hannuka experiments (can you make latkes in a waffle iron, hell yes you can, wafflatkes are delicious) for this next week, and in general maybe even feel a little less deer caught in the headlights about the passage of time than I usually do.
Trying to tire myself out with movement has sadly not been helping with getting me to want to go to sleep, but I think it is helping my mood, so that’s something, and the experiments with a more firm schedule (operation we run a tight ship) are helping too.
Let’s name some December Wishes…
Cozy comfort.
Someone to go on hikes with and explore.
More fifty minute hours. It holds itself.
More joyful obsessions, good ideas sparking. It solves itself.
Infusing rituals and [containers of time] with more pleasure, more joy, more of the good kind of obsessive.
More winter cheer. Better sleep. Waking up with a passion for something, anything!
Some deus ex machina solutions to my two biggest house-related problems.
Something to be excited about and maybe even look forward to, I need this.
What’s next?
Hannuka starts Thursday night. Chag urim sameach, a happy festival of lights.
Then Tuesday, December 12, is the new moon and also National Ambrosia Day.
I do not know what that means, but to me it suggests making a delicious hot beverage, so I am definitely going to do that.
So, between now and next Tuesday, how about a trial run for December Obsessions, with as many do-overs as we want, throughout the month and beyond….
Do-overs forever
After all, these December Obsessions themselves are a trial run for 2024 Obsessions, and there’s a beautiful wish hidden in there too:
The obsessions write themselves! The obsessions run themselves!
All I have to do is pay attention, and they can channel excitement and they can channel grace, enough for me, and for the collective too.
Hello, December
One week in. How are we feeling, what are we noticing, where are we being pulled, what is needed most, what is useful about feeling what we are feeling, even if it happens to be end-of-the-year upheaval?
(Which it might not, obviously! People Vary, and you feel what you feel, it doesn’t have to be related to what I’m feeling…)
What good obsessions can we brainstorm, what low-stakes experiments can we embark on, or what non-zero movement can we take in that direction?
Wishing is the invisible part of generating momentum, maybe, and either way, it couldn’t hurt to make room for the vulnerability of wanting something better.
I am wishing everyone so much love, support, grace, comfort, treasure, whatever you need for this time.
How about you?
Thankful for each day that I get some focus and energy, for each good song on the radio, for all hope sparks, for the lovely and thoughtful comments people left on the last post (thank you!), for porch breaths, and all moments of calm. How about you?
What are your wishes? How was your week! I am lighting a candle for all of it.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
Bonus question
I’m working on bonus material on how I relate to time, if there’s stuff you want me to cover, let me know!
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email when I finish edits.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The (unlikely) power of unfulfilling
The (unlikely) power of unfulfilling
Where were we
Where were we? Oh yes, in the pit of despair.
Last time we talked about a favorite power (or focal point, or approach) of mine, the power of non-zero.
In other words, when you feel very stuck and seemingly cannot do anything, you do not fight with yourself. Instead of trying to force yourself into doing the things, you just aim for non-zero effort.
Non-zero effort: a smallest something, a not-nothing. And it helps.
Sometimes even much more than you expect it to.
Today we are talking about an even less likely power, the power of unfulfilling, and maybe it needs a new name, but we will get there when we get there.
Unfulfilling
I did my morning hour of kitchen “jogging” yesterday, and it was unfulfilling but I just did it anyway.
Some days it clears my head, some days it is therapy through movement, some days I enjoy watching the sunrise.
Some days this time of quiet, repetitive figure eights is revealing, and what it reveals really depends, a depth of anger and sadness that I wasn’t previously aware of, for example.
Other days it just feels good to be in motion.
Some days I do it just because I know that it loosens up my joints and helps with back pain. And most days I do it because it’s what I do in the morning.
It’s what I do
Yes, it’s the first thing I do upon waking, after hydrating, dry brushing, brushing teeth.
Okay, and sure, you could also say that mainly I do it because my tiny house on a trailer does not have central heating, and it is simply too cold to remain still once I bravely exit the bed and into the front room where I turn the space heater on.
But I also do my morning kitchen jog (“jog”, a very generous term) for reasons related to ritual and steadiness. A way to calm myself down, clear my head, help my ADHD brain entrain itself into a more steady rhythm…
A more steady rhythm
I do it for my anxiety and for my lack of focus, and as a way to start the day, a bookend of my day. It helps that when I wake up, no matter how high my anxiety, at least I know what’s happening next:
It’s time to kitchen-jog.
Most days it feels good, or at least minimally revitalizing.
And yesterday it was unfulfilling, but I did it anyway.
Taking a small break for for clarifications
Sidebar!
As some of you know, my biggest and most ridiculous (and therefore also reasonable) fear is the fear of being misunderstood.
The fear that launched a thousand ships. If by ships we mean parenthetical asides and explanatory clauses. So here are mine.
So, just to clarify!
When I talk about the good within the unfulfilling, or the power of do it anyway, I am not by any means encouraging or advising you or anyone to stay in a shitty situation. God forbid.
If you are stuck in an unfulfilling job or unfulfilling relationship or a situation that is really not working for you, I am cheering on your exit strategy, even if it exists at this point only as a kernel of an idea. Here’s to all the possibilities for Something Better.
Truly, I am lighting a candle for your sweet escape into that Something Better. May it be so. I am calling in all deus ex machina powers, all the support you could possibly need.
So please don’t let this musing on the power of [Unfulfilling] be a reason to stay in a not good for you situation, or to keep forcing a ritual or practice that used to give you something but isn’t a good fit now.
Everything changes, and that is as it should be. Yes? Okay, great. Onward!
Onward
There are many things in the category of [Mostly Good, Sometimes Unfulfilling, I Do It Anyway].
For example, this morning my coffee wasn’t great for some reason (a word my phone very appropriately changed to treason!), not-good coffee really is treasonous.
Sometimes yoga and stretching feel good, sometimes they are unfulfilling, but I do them anyway.
Same for slow sun salutations which I can only do on days when bending doesn’t make me dizzy.
Same for writing. Same for cooking. Same for my ten minutes of practicing Arabic.
Anyway, whether these rituals and practices, or aspects of daily life, are fulfilling or not, I keep doing them. Though sometimes I need to make them fancy.
Fancy
I toss a chiltepin pepper into my morning hot caffeinated beverage, because sometimes I need life to slap me in the face a little, but in a good way. A little heat is good for this desert cowboy assassin.
A favorite mug helps. Homemade cardamom fennel simple syrup helps. A colorful cloth napkin. Light a tea light.
If I wipe down the table first as if I am an honored guest, this helps too.
Similarly, with all the other things that are sometimes fulfilling and sometimes deeply unfulfilling, they can sometimes be improved with music, a candle, a warmer sweatshirt and so on.
But if they are still unfulfilling that day, IIWIMI (It Is What It Motherfucking Is), and we keep going.
Useful
What is useful (or could be useful) about these situations of I do the things I do because they help but some days they are just unfulfilling and I do them anyway…?
In some ways I find it vaguely reassuring that it simply does not matter whether the thing that helps is pleasurable or meaningful or fulfilling that day or not.
Some days it’s bliss, some days it’s tolerable, some days it’s medicinal.
That’s fine.
That’s fine, actually
There is a certain maturity to being fine with it all, a wisdom of having been alive long enough to know that the same practice, ritual, habit or [anything] can vary wildly from day to day.
Some days it’s engaging, some days it’s a struggle.
You do it for the reasons and you do it for no reason.
I am going to turn forty seven this year, if the gods are willing and luck allows, and I quite often have the perception that I do not even slightly have anything figured out, I am barely functioning at being an adult, I do not have it together in the most basic ways. I am, as my monsters say, an entire mess.
But this is the place where I can see some hard-earned wisdom in my life, and that gives me hope for other areas. I can let the things that help be unfulfilling sometimes, without fighting it.
Of course we can also play
For example, what I said before about making things slightly fancy, improving the view…
For example, making something 3% better (or any other non-zero amount)…
Or adding some spice, the ongoing work of Operation Winter Cheer…
This week I spent a lot of time considering the relationship between the power of unfulfilling on the one hand, and Slightly Fancy on the other.
Slightly Fancy, or possibly cosplaying as royalty?
Royalty, for example
This is an idea I got from Hannah Goldfield, New Yorker restaurant critic and general smart person, who, in an otherwise bummer of an interview about feeding her children, gave me a lovely clue:
“I sort of need to cosplay as the Queen of England if I’m going to make breakfast exciting.”
I am so very glad that I don’t need to convince a four year old to eat vegetables, especially one who changes their mind daily about how said vegetables need to be cut, which might actually be all four year olds, this is extremely not my area of expertise.
What is my expertise though?
Honestly it’s enough work getting some vegetables into me each day.
And to be clear, I admire both Hannah’s commitment to her kids and her four year old’s strong certainty about the exact correct way cucumbers should be cut in order to make them palatable as a snack, but that’s not the point.
The main thing is that I really latched onto this mission of how can we make breakfast (or anything for that matter) more exciting than it currently is…
That’s actually something I’m pretty good at.
Even more exciting, even more enticing
Whatever it takes, even knowing that some days it might be unfulfilling, and we keep it moving.
What helps? What adds some spark?
And what is the comfort in knowing that sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t work, and either way, breakfast happens and Havi Is Fed…
These are the thoughts on my mind this week, the power of letting things be unfulfilling sometimes, and also small tweaks and additions, adding a little fancy to the ritual, in case it helps…
Maybe it will still be unfulfilling, and that’s okay, and also we tried something, so points for effort.
A Mini Friday Chicken (Check-in)
It’s been a minute since we did a Friday Chicken, naming the hard and good things in our week in the interest of noticing the passage of time and how we felt about it, being present with what was, even if it was unfulfilling. Maybe even especially in that case.
So here is a small one.
What were the hard things this week?
This week’s hard, for me, included:
- A scary power outage, not something I enjoy in the cold of winter
- A miserable experience attempting to get vaccinated — one pharmacist hadn’t heard of Novavax, the other didn’t know where they kept it, no one masked, one pharmacist sneezed into her hands then tried to hand me a pen (luckily I already had one), they kept me waiting for over half an hour for no apparent reason
- Oh god, the deep, awful loneliness, like it’s always there a little but when the big waves hit, it’s so bad
- Feeling helpless and scared, and it’s so boring to still be in that loop
- Itchy skin stuff
- Anxiety and more anxiety, both over specific small things in my life, and about the hostages who are still being held by Hamas, and about all the many heart-breaking things in our world…
- And someone I love is in the hospital and there is just no way to help or get solid information
- It is so cold and so grey, and I cannot believe that there are months more of this, how do people survive winter, I don’t get it and I want a plan…
What was good this week?
I did the things that help, even if they were unfulfilling.
And I did my morning jog and evening jog, non-zero stretching, non-zero sun salutations, fed myself vegetables, sat down to write, kept on keeping on.
In good news, the girlfriend of the person I know who is a hostage in Gaza was released, the two were taken captive together from Be’eri. I am hoping she will have some reassuring news and that L will return soon, but mainly I am just happy for her and her family. May peace, comfort, protection and healing/rehabilitation make their way into this painful, awful nightmare, for everyone in Israel and Palestine, amen.
I am lighting a candle for peaceful solutions, humanitarian aid, miracles all around.
At long last, successfully boosted with Novavax, that’s been on the list for a while and is one of the things that keeps me up in the early hours, so I am glad it is done, and so far feeling okay, no noticeable reaction.
Made a very good chocolate cinnamon banana bread that made up for the not-quite-right coffee.
How about you?
Grateful for each day that I have some focus and energy, for each good song on the radio, for all small moments of hope, for the lovely and thoughtful comments people left on the last post (thank you!), for porch breaths, and for all the moments of calm steady grace. How about you?
What are your wishes? How was your week! I am lighting a candle for all of it.
Thank you, everyone who reads, thank you to porch breaths, to the winding path, to the many clues that land when they land, and the tiny hope sparks that we keep cultivating, one breath at a time.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
Bonus question
I’m working on bonus material on how I relate to time, if there’s stuff you want me to cover, let me know!
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email when I finish edits.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
The power of non-zero
Non-zero
Non-zero is a superpower, possibly my favorite.
Or at least we can say it’s the one I am most consistently devoted to, the one I have been spending the most time with. Non-zero as a practice, non-zero as mindset.
I am cultivating a relationship with non-zero as an approach, to my day, to a long cold winter, to the daily effort of existing.
By which I mean: the challenges of being a person in a body, in this culture, in this world, and the ongoing work of keeping on keeping on.
Non-zero is a way of simplifying.
Simplifying
Non-zero simplifies and clarifies.
It is the power of do less, but hey, we are still doing something.
Do less, but still something
Less is still something, even [a very little] is still something, and something is not nothing.
And not-nothing is a big deal actually.
Any amount of effort, any amount of progress. It counts and it matters, good job, good job.
It changes the question
Am I going to do an hour of yoga like the monsters in my head think I should? Nope, but I am going to try for non-zero movement.
Maybe that’s a neck stretch, maybe that’s hugging myself, maybe that’s rolling on the floor for the duration of one song. Maybe it’s dancing in the kitchen. Good job, non-zero movement!
Am I going to empty my inbox and close all the tabs? Probably not! But can I close a non-zero number of tabs and archive a non-zero amount of email? Amazing work, progress!
From a stress-goal to a doable something
Am I going to keep setting impossible (for me, currently, in this moment) goals like spend time outside every day, or can I start where I am with a non-zero version of that, like taking three to five porch breaths?
Do you see? We are lowering the bar, we are seeking a shift in focus…
A shift in focus
Shifting my focus to non-zero takes me out of the stress-mindset of striving and achieving, and it keeps me from sinking into the devastating bitterness when I am simply unable to do any of the things on my list, as often happens, because my brain is broken.
I am not trying to do all the things, or even most of them, or even some of them.
Instead I am aiming for non-zero in a few categories. We’ll see how it goes from there. But non-zero is a big deal, and we celebrate it.
One small step, or maybe more, or maybe not
When I am attuned to the power of non-zero, I am are not forcing myself to think big, aim high, reach further. I am just zeroing in. What small, low-effort and immediate steps are available to me in the moment?
One step and then another step. Or maybe just the one.
It’s still a non-zero amount of forward movement, good job, good job.
It’s not nothing, it’s so much more than nothing!
I love you and I’m proud of you, babe! Look at you, making non-zero progress!
Not nothing
We are not focused on finishing, we are focused on non-zero.
It’s not nothing, it’s more than nothing, and it counts. It matters.
When everything is effortful and feels impossible, even a very symbolic amount of effort is game-changing.
And it serves as a reminder that non-zero is possible, which is encouraging.
In fact, it’s almost always more encouraging than I expect it to be…
You wins some, you win some later
Is it in fact true that sometimes (often) non-zero effort leads to more? Yes it is, but also that’s not the point, and even if it doesn’t, non-zero is still non-zero.
Progress is still progress. Patience is still patience, and we’re playing the long game.
You win some, you win some more later.
Lowering the bar
I think we’ve talked about this theme many times over the years here, but it’s also so easy to forget.
Just as it can be hard to practice acknowledgment and legitimacy in challenging times, it is hard to remember that non-zero is a good starting point.
We are existing in challenging times (in the world, maybe also internally) and sometimes we have high expectations of ourselves, plus we exist in a world that rewards achieving and does not appreciate process.
But here we are, sometimes things are a struggle. They often are, for me. So what does non-zero look like?
Surprise inspiration
I cannot express exactly how inspiring non-zero number of anything can feel when it happens…but it is!
A non-zero amount of, for example…
hydrating
decluttering
dishes
de-piling
moving or stretching
journaling
cleaning
being outdoors
etc
Noticing is also on the list of non-zero things
As in: I noticed the non-zero things I did, and gave myself credit.
Non-zero credit to me! A thousand sparklepoints, at least….
This also shifts the focus.
Instead of saying, “Ugh I didn’t clean the house this weekend like I was going to”, I can say something else.
The non-zero cleaning I did this weekend included sweeping the floor, cleaning the sink, wiping down the kitchen cabinets, good job to me.
The connection between non-zero and hope
This amazing thought via a dance acquaintance:
“Finding hope is an important ambition these days, with the world on fire…”
So true, put it on a poster, graffiti it on buildings.
Finding hope is an important ambition, and for me, non-zero and all related practices of do less but do something, exist on the winding path towards hope.
What else would help?
What else would help?
In addition to all the powers of non-zero, I am also calling (in, on, up) all superpowers of…
patience
I play the long game
slow & steady wins the race, and either way: slow & steady
the cowboy abides
the clues are invited to the party (I only have to invite them)
loving clarity
there’s time
putting my faith in a tiny walk
what if slow is powerful
what if a little helps more than I think it will…
What else is or can be slow and powerful
Walking, cooking, baking, journaling, training…
Taking an entire day to make a pot of delicious Tunisian beans with braised spinach and onions for the week, letting them soften until they are impossibly delicious.
Yes, we are back to the slow motion montage, to chop wood, carry water, write words. One step and then the next step…
Not alone. Not empty. Non-zero.
Speaking of slow is powerful…
I was listening to the Samara Joy cover of Someone Like You…
And it is sooo slow.
And I Need You To Turn To, Arik Einstein covering Elton John, which is slow in a different way.
What else is slow?
What else is slow, in a good way? Magic, hope, strength-building, spell-casting.
Salt, water, garlic, onion, whatever helps.
Walking for three minutes, heating water for tea, listening to a song, whatever helps.
Outside of time
Process, healing, rehabilitation, moving through time after a traumatic experience, or through an ongoing traumatic experience. Slow, but also: outside of time.
Non-zero progress can translate to big gains in this not-in-time space. And so we continue, one small symbolic step and the next, as indicated.
What appeals? What is small and doable? Let’s start there. I’m with you.
Small but important thank-yous
Thank you to Marisa, my wise mathematician friend, who brought non-zero into my vocabulary.
Thank you to Holly for reminding me that non-zero is powerful magic, whether I remember that or not.
Thank you to Amanda for reminding me that the big list of what is still undone is not a helpful thing to fall asleep to, when I can instead celebrate each non-zero win from my day.
And thank you to everyone who reads what I write here, you are the reason I sit down to write non-zero words and think non-zero thoughts so that we can play with them together and on our own.
Non-zero gratitude, and then a whole heartful, isn’t that beautiful? I think so too.
What are your wishes?
What are your wishes? I am lighting a candle for them, and for your own investigative process, and whatever treasures are revealed from the act of wishing.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes. I love to wish wishes with you.
Thank you, everyone who reads, thank you to porch breaths, to the winding path, to all the many clues that land when they land, to receptivity, and to the tiny hope sparks that we keep cultivating, one breath at a time.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship always helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
I’m happy you’re here with me.
Bonus question
I’m making progress on bonus material about how I relate to time and map out my quarters, let me know if there anything you want to know more about specifically? Drop any questions or thoughts here…
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email as soon as I finish editing, I hope soon.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
And other autumnal delights
A quick check-in
Hi friends, I hope you are safe and well, adjusted to the time change if that’s something that takes you extra-adjusting, that you are finding comforts, useful clues, some pleasure where you can, or whatever is most needed.
Today we are exploring Autumnal Delights, as well as what helps when I get overwhelmed, and my rebelliousness around holidays, perceived shoulds, forced gratitude. But also some thoughts about how we might find our way to something new and better…
And other autumnal delights
Noticing, what am I noticing?
Something I have noticed (previously, over time, and also very much lately)…
I can find myself in the moodiest mood, and I either try to find reasons or try to find solutions.
But actually, for me, a moody mood is usually a reflection of a need for blank space, in some form or another.
That is to say, there is too much going on in my line of vision in addition to inside my head, and it’s overwhelming.
I need to look at a clean surface, or gaze out at an open field with big sky.
Getting there
So, there’s the reason (not enough blank space), and the solution (make some blank space), but it takes me a while to get there, to the realization, to the remembering. And then sometimes I can figure out what else is upsetting me, and what would help.
I know what helps, but I forget.
And then, once I get there, it takes me even longer to remember how to access that blank space, wide open, steadying calming experience.
Sometimes I just move everything off my kitchen table, sometimes I go outside and look at the sky.
But I always feel better when I make space, literally as well as emotionally, to be in my big mood.
The usual dilemma (1)
Yes, I crave blank space to be able to function. A wall with nothing on it, an open vista, a clean table.
Versus the powerful ADHD urge to gather, and compile, to fill my space with dozens of reminders, because of course I am the most out of sight out of mind person who has ever lived, and what will I do, how will I know what to do next, without being reminded…
Forgetting of course that I also forget to perceive the reminders as reminders, and only perceive them as blocking my view of [the thing I crave, what is it, oh right, blank space].
The usual dilemma (2)
If you’ve been hanging out here for any amount of time, you know that I am intensely allergic to the holiday season, that I dread American Thanksgiving, and Christmas…
These two days are tied for number one in the category of Loneliest Day Of The Year.
And you also know that I am on an ongoing quest to make them better, or hate them less, or get through them with less distress, I don’t know exactly.
Sometimes my calendar is too much like my kitchen table, cluttered with reminders, but not enough space to plan.
Progress report
As you know, I love a feast day, I love planning a menu, and I mostly love being the lone cowboy of the bunkhouse.
So I am trying to view or perceive American Thanksgiving (next Thursday but really that whole weekend) as an opportunity to go through a chrysalis of sorts.
I want to perceive this time as a passage of my choosing rather rather than a hellish pitfall in the calendar, a place in the year that I dread.
And so we begin with questions…
What would make for a cozy, contented Hermitsgiving?
What supports a playful Zerofucksgiving?
What makes for a calm, sweet day of Naps-having?
What do I already know about this?
What are the known knowns?
The Known Knowns
I think the main thing I want for Hermitsgiving 2023 is a clean house and good food and a clear schedule for chrysalis activities so I can avoid social media and other traps…
Though maybe those wishes are also traps, or they can be, if I allow them to become expectations or shoulds.
Oof, and I want to get my vacuum fixed if it’s fixable or replace if it’s not because it’s giving off a burning smell which scares me, and all this means venturing into far-away civilization before pre-holiday chaos intensifies..
But mainly I am thinking about this Hermitsgiving chrysalis in terms of how it fits into the bigger picture of my year.
And I am considering the humbling question of WHAT DO I WANT, as opposed to reacting to external circumstances forced upon me.
What do I want from this holiday?
I think for me a lot of this exploration is related how reactive I am, because yes, I am a rebellious person who does not like any of the external structures, and I only like my own structures…
Can I find a way to enjoy having a feast day next Thursday without being mad at the world (or really, this country, this culture) for forcing it on me?
What would help me step away from the perception that the whole world is conspiring to remind me that I am all alone while everyone else is gathering, and instead, with great love and intention, choose this chrysalis time for myself…
Can I calmly choose towards the peaceful solitude of the cowboy bunkhouse, that big open sky that I know I crave anyway?
Yes, alone and quiet is what I wish for most anyway, so why am I fighting it…?
Porch breaths
It isn’t too cold yet so each evening I go outside and take porch breaths.
I love the scent, the crisp air, taking a moment to connect with my tree friends and mountain friends, the great expanse, the fields, the gates, the guardians of place.
Are we calling this a gratitude practice? Probably not, I think I’m allergic to that too, but also yes, sure,
it’s that too. It’s an honor to be here, breathing, alive, taking porch breaths at the end of another day, we made it.
Porch breaths are an autumnal delight.
In the deep cold of winter, sometimes I will open the door for just one, but right now I can take as many as I please. A miracle in its own right.
Flavor and pleasure
Some of you know that I run a test kitchen for the holidays, where I try out as many recipes as I have energy and patience to try, choosing from the ones that appeal most, until I land on some favorites, some True Yeses.
The theme of the Hermitsgiving Test Kitchen this year is And Other Autumnal Delights.
I made a spiced apple shrub with brown sugar, date vinegar, and a homemade toasted spice blend, it is so delicious I almost cannot handle it.
It is pear season, and pears rank high among the autumnal delights. I made a pear crisp with some green chile, because for me a good punch in the face (a metaphorical one, via the tastebuds) is also an autumnal delight, and also IDK IDK, sometimes I just need to feel things, you know?
What else?
I made a chocolate ginger cake (vegan, gluten free), and it was almost too good. Upsetting, honestly. This is what I want from my autumnal delights actually. Yes. Be life-ruiningly delicious.
Be life-ruiningly delicious or gtfo.
This is what I want from so many things, actually.
Destroy me with pleasure. Go big or go home. Go big and go home.
Back to the bunkhouse, with a magical pot of green chile stew, and a hot cider cocktail or mocktail.
What is good about Hermitsgiving?
Or, what would help me see it as something I am choosing towards, and not something I am stuck with, a consolation prize, a making-do?
I get to eat exactly what I want, at exactly the time I am hungry. This is important.
Even better, I do not have to accommodate anyone else’s preferences in any way (food, politics, anything at all), and there is no need to be polite, to placate, to do anything other than what I wish to do.
Popcorn for breakfast? Why not.
Dessert first? I insist.
What is joy?
I have spent so much time thinking about everything I dislike about the holiday season and this holiday in particular that I forgot to pause to think about what is joyful, meaningful, desirable, what I can focus on instead.
What would put me into that porch-breath state of wanting to give thanks, in these hard and scary times, these super intense times when everything feels wildly accelerated and too busy, too loud, too dangerous.
Or, if not joy and not thankfulness, then what brings me closer to Operation Winter Cheer?
How can I add cheer, layer on cheeriness, make this a cozy and comfortable time of meeting myself with more kindness, more patience, more sweetness, more appreciation?
A practice of keeping company
I am wondering about maybe next week, instead of posting an essay here, just having a cozy gathering space for anyone who wants to drop in and hang out in the comments (you are welcome to use an assumed name, whether for safety or playfulness or both)…
And that way we can have some together along with the holiday, maybe wish some wishes or call in some superpowers or just notice what we are noticing, make some space, mark the day, take some breaths.
You can tell me what you are eating, and I will try to take pictures of whatever I end up cooking, assuming I have energy to cook. It might just be popcorn and leftovers, we will see.
What do you think? Next Thursday? Here?
There are a lot of ways to be festive, and sometimes my feast days are more pensive than festive, but what if that’s part of marking a holiday too…
Let’s conjure up some autumnal delights…
Or for all southern-hemisphere friends, maybe these are springtime delights for you, rewrite as you see fit.
Here I am thinking about a warm wool hat, sweater weather, getting on a heating pad to stretch.
The vegan chocolate salted caramel sauce that I make for a special occasion, and really, can’t anything be a special occasion? Sometimes the desire to have an occasion is its own occasion.
Desire is its own occasion. Being alive is an occasion.
What is warming, what sweetens, what comforts, what softens, what strengthens, what fortifies me? And what reminds me to go on the porch and breathe?
Let’s call in the delights!
What are your wishes?
What are your wishes? I am lighting a candle for them, and for your own investigative process, and whatever treasures are revealed from the act of wishing.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes. I love to wish wishes with you.
Thank you, everyone who reads, thank you to porch breaths, to the winding path, to all the many clues that land when they land, to receptivity, and to the tiny hope sparks that we keep cultivating, one breath at a time.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship always helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
I’m happy you’re here with me.
Bonus question
I’m making progress on bonus material about how I relate to time and map out my quarters, let me know if there anything you want to know more about specifically? Drop any questions or thoughts here…
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email as soon as I finish editing, I hope soon.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️
Ode to St Carla
A quick check-in
Hi friends, I hope you are doing okay with the TIME CHARADE (this is how my phone renamed “time change” this year, and I am sticking with it), or if not then I hope you are less of a wreck than I am.
And I hope you are finding good clues, finding some pleasure where you can, or whatever is most needed. We are doing some old-school wish processing this week, let’s wish some wishes…
Ode to St Carla
Jamming
I love when I review old journals full of wishes and wish-processing from years gone by, only to discover yet again that I am, more often than not, wishing variations on past wishes, exploring variations on past explorations…
As if I am in a jazz combo and I am all the musicians at once, and we are jamming with each other.
We are playing (both meanings). And also: Jamming!
Yes, that is exactly what I mean. We are playing, we are running licks and improvising, messing around, iteration upon iteration, checking in on our favorite themes.
What if the act and process of Wishing is just an ongoing jam session? I think it might be.
Diving into an example
A wish I have returned to at many points over the years is a wish to spend way less time at grocery stores.
This is partly a wish about time and where it goes.
This is partly a wish about conserving energy.
It is a wish about the superpower of being Well Provisioned.
This is also a wish about not wanting to be perceived?
Maybe that’s not it exactly, but: something about the sensory overload of being in a grocery store environment, and something about how it’s hard for me to maintain good force fields in that environment.
Also: People like to talk to me in grocery stores and I wish they would not.
Timing
I wished this wish or a version of this wish quite often in pre-pandemic times.
Then it was partly about not ever wanting to leave my house, and partly about how much time it takes when you live an hour from town, and a lot about the brutal Arizona summer heat — 111 degrees Fahrenheit (44 C) is not conducive for doing anything, never mind something that involves getting dressed, decision making or carrying heavy bags.
Then early pandemic was about being strategic, Safety First. Arranging to only go out twice a month, or less. You remember. The most fraught days.
Well Provisioned
In some ways this situation invited in a new form of this wish, or you could say it clarified new elements of what I had been wishing for in my various wishes — be more organized, have a well-stocked pantry, go out less often!
I became somewhat obsessed with superpower of Well Provisioned.
Have what you need. Well stocked. Prepared.
On the flip side, these days also brought food scarcity and anxiety (and the relationship between them, weeks when I was too depressed to go grocery shopping for example), and generally a lot of discomfort.
Circumstances kept shifting, and each new round of challenges made grocery shopping both more vital and less appealing. Circumstances etc.
Circumstances etc
There was the time my car had to be in the shop for much longer than anticipated, the nearest grocery was ten miles away, too far to walk in that heat, and I subsisted on oatmeal until it was done. An ordeal.
The next summer, I got a concussion the night before my planned grocery run. I couldn’t remember where the grocery store even was, and stayed in bed for ten days, surviving on whatever I could find in the cupboards at my house-sit until I could drive again.
That deeply miserable experience gave me a new reason to wish for a full and well-stocked pantry.
Do you think I learned from it though? Hahaha why would you think that.
Here we go again
The following summer, monsoon flooding did the same. Repeat!
Sometimes I need to learn the same lesson in a dozen iterations.
Eleven days in my tiny house. Venturing out to check on the flooded roads. Watching the supplies dwindle down until I was inventing things like “sure maybe this is kind of a soup” and “surprise rice”, and it got rougher than that.
But we made it. I’m still here. And even more devoted to well-stocked and well-provisioned.
Have I learned? I’m trying!
Trying
Here are my wins from going through these experiences.
I always have rice in the house and some beans, and oats.
And a stash of dried red chile peppers, because this is New Mexico.
Good spices. Cans of coconut milk. Dried fruit. Flax seed and various flours for baking.
A new form of urgency
So I’m slowly getting a better at stocking up.
And remembering why it’s important, instead of waiting until I’m out of everything to solve for food.
I am taking more pleasure in this, that feels important too. I like to be well-stocked and well-provisioned generally.
And also, now it feels more urgent.
This past summer, the sixth summer of wishing this wish, brought a new challenge, being accosted by strangers about my respirator.
There are the jokes (“You gonna to rob a bank?”) and the comments (“You don’t need that on your face, you’d look better without it”), and I hate it.
No, I really hate it
I dealt with the looks and being the only one in the store wearing a mask, but I draw the line at having to interact with people at all, never mind having to explain myself to them.
So now there’s a new layer of dread to grocery shopping, in addition to the effort, the drive, the ADHD challenges of executive function and coming up with a list, and just not wanting to do it, or not having energy…
I just don’t want to have these conversations with people who are so at ease with putting me in danger, and on top of that want to argue about it.
Feelings!
It is infuriating to me that I cannot afford to be sick or to get any more sick, and yet here I am.
Being disabled by covid has been life-altering and eye-opening, and it’s a fucking bummer to go into the world and be reminded that not only will people not do the minimum to protect me (and themselves), they actively want to challenge me, or to talk me out of the only safety measures I have. No thanks.
No thanks to that.
More feelings
I don’t like supermarkets, generally. They are too noisy for me, both visually and in the auditory sense.
People are rushed and not paying attention to where they are in space, it’s like everyone loses all proprioception.
And they are full of waste, or waste-to-be, a storehouse of things to be thrown away. Which is depressing.
The more I learn about how they work, the behind the scenes life of the workers, the conditions small companies need to fill in order to have shelf space, the more I am against the whole thing.
But whatever, reasons are bullshit, mainly it’s just that I don’t ever want to go.
I don’t want to go!
It’s too hot or too cold and I don’t want to put on sunscreen, and carry bags into from the car.
So one question that arises from wishing is how to be well-provisioned while going into town less often…
And another question is how to make these trips more enjoyable, less stressful, better protected, if that’s possible?
What does Carla think I should do
I was listening to an interview on the This Is Taste podcast, with Carla Lalli-Music, and I am not entirely sure why but I deeply wanted to dislike it, and then of course I loved it.
This is her approach: Any grocery item that doesn’t need to be seen or touched to know if it’s good, you just order it online.
For example, flour, sugar, olive oil, oats, rice, olives, any provisions that are pre-packaged and don’t need to be examined by you in person. You stock up your pantry over time and re-order when supplies get low.
For her, going to the market is purely for pleasure and sensory joy: a lighthearted adventure, an intuitive practice, you don’t have a long list of goods to acquire, you pop in to see what produce looks enticing, what is fresh, luscious, and appealing.
Excitement sparks
You fill up your basket with things you are excited to cook with, and then you go home and only have to carry in a couple bags.
You aren’t exhausted and depleted from the experience, and you don’t have to do the chore of putting everything away.
For her, you grocery-shop for joy items and freshness, you commune with what’s available, you get grocery items that are appealing, you are there for a quick yes.
And everything that doesn’t need you to smell it, touch it, and connect to it can be attained online.
St Carla the Wise, St Carla the Playful
I’ll be honest. A few years ago, I would have hated this approach.
First of all, because I am rebellious aka fuck you don’t tell me what to do.
And also because when I lived in cities, I felt strongly about shopping local, interacting with neighbors, being part of something.
But now I am older (in the sense of wiser? who can say), slower, tired, with less ability, and I live way out in the country in a tiny, tiny house that doesn’t have climate control.
And I care about different things like moving slowly, and the principle of what my dance teacher used to call Do Less To Get More. And of course, having quality ingredients on hand.
The right reminder at the right time
So her approach and advice were not right for me then, and now they are.
Now I can smile and say, THANK YOU, ST CARLA.
More than the approach (take it if it works for you, leave it if not), I appreciate this reminder.
The reminder in her approach for me is about the question of What Is Joy, and What Is Not Joy.
What is joy and what is not-joy
Joy, for me:
Ease of ease. I have what I need. I can be creative and playful.
Cooking is a source of joy for me. I can do a lot with a little.
Restriction is an art form too. Like a haiku.
Something about appreciating restriction and appreciating plenty at the same time. Use what you have.
And: making do is a kingdom.
Not-joy, for me:
Feeling rushed, anxious. Tightness.
Living on rice and oats for weeks.
Realizing I predictably forgot to get that one thing that I always forget. Or the other thing.
Each time I know that I need to go get groceries, but I simply cannot make myself.
(I just went into town the other day after eleven days of not going, and obviously I am a hero, braver than the marines, but what if it didn’t have to be like this?)
Talk to me, St Carla of Choose Ease
One of the reasons I love her approach so much is that it’s really about making a grocery run less of a chore and more pleasure-based.
You pantry-stock the boring necessities from the comfort of your home, and the grand adventure is to go out and procure something fun and special.
I like the idea of reducing dread, and also making these trips less hard on my shoulder (carrying bags), and spending less money on gas (traveling to town less often).
And of course, fewer uncomfortable interactions, amen.
What else is this about?
Of course this also plays with my big wish for a greenhouse.
To have an indoor vegetable garden, a garden space I don’t have to protect from frost or deer or elk or javelina.
This wish also intertwines with my wish for a washing machine! A greenhouse would be a place it could live without the pipes freezing.
A washing machine used weekly with natural soap would also supply enough water to feed four trees, fruit trees or nut trees.
A dreamy dream
I miss my long-ago job in the orchards so much (they are gone, but I am still here), and it would be so lovely to tend to fruit tree friends again.
And four is a good amount for someone like me who moves slowly these days, though I am still hoping and praying for energy to return, or something even better.
I know St Carla would be happy for me if I had a small greenhouse here, plant friends to talk to, herbs for cooking, vegetables for salad.
And a warm spot to visit in the winter.
A warm cozy spot
I can’t have plants in my house because there is no climate control, so I can only warm or cool one room at a time, all the plants I’ve tried to bring here have died.
But if I could visit them…wouldn’t that be beautiful and magical?
A reason to keep on keeping on, and god knows we are collecting as many of those as we can.
What a beautiful wish, what beautiful wishes
A hand-on-heart sigh for these beautiful wishes, a candle lit for these beautiful wishes.
I do not know how they will come to pass or when or in what form, or if at all, because that is the nature of wishing, and that’s okay.
Wishes are about clarity and clarifying, they are about refinement, they are about being brave enough to allow ourselves to want and make space for the wanting.
Wishes are more about questions than answers
They are more about questions than answers, and mainly they are about a process of getting honest with ourselves.
What’s working, what needs work? What am I really upset about or hurt over?
And what might help?
That’s a beautiful process, and that’s what makes wishing and wanting important human endeavors.
Calling on / in / up
Calling on superpowers, qualities and concepts to assist with the wishing…
- I am Playful & Creative, Focused & Clear
- Small steps (choose one!)
- The instincts reveal themselves (can I let the instincts reveal themselves?)
- What Would The Cowboy Do
- Where is the treasure / what if this is all working out great actually
- Hey, Surprise Good Mood
- Let’s just clean one thing
- Further Reductions (what can I let go of, what can I refine)
- I Can Be Kind With Myself Today (or at least I can try)
A tiny holiday for anyone who needs one
Glowing loving birthday wishes for Walton Goggins (Friday, November 10) who, among many other things in his life, plays Boyd Crowder in Justified, my very favorite fictional villain.
Which basically confirms that Boyd Crowder is a scorpio, in my mind. I know that’s not how it works but I want it to be true, and really, what else would he be.
And while obviously we don’t necessarily want to emulate ruthless killers who are charming narcissists, here are the Boyd Crowder qualities I do want to invoke:
A way with words, deep love for home, looking out for yourself, always knowing what to say, somehow staying calm, alert, grounded and adaptable even in impossible situations. May it be so, or something even better.
Love, comfort, sweetness and warmth to Walton Goggins, god knows we all know what it’s like to have challenging and complicated grief-laden times in the calendar.
Here’s to new and better for all of us.
Other wishes, while we are wishing
All wishes are proxies for other wishes, and also there is room in the cauldron for as many wishes as we want, so let’s find out what else we are wishing for.
I suppose there’s no bigger cliche than “peace in the middle east”, but: as ever, a heartfelt wish for an end to this nightmare. An end to the killing of civilians, to the ongoing horrors. Safety and sanctuary for everyone involved. And of course, may the hostages be returned swiftly and safely. A wish for comfort, for new solutions.
While I am wishing wishes, I am wishing wishes related to American Thanksgiving, the second loneliest day of the year for me, coming up soon.
Wishing for ideas, for all the best ways to distract myself, comfort myself and make a delicious meal that is a delight to have with myself, after all a cowboy spends long stretches of time alone at the bunkhouse, what if I enjoy it?
Warmth, all meanings
I am wishing for better ways to stay warm this cold New Mexico mountain winter, and to glow warmth, in general.
And for better ways to be brave, but also for fewer reasons to be brave.
To appreciate all clues, to let them come in their timing. To let myself figure things out in my own timing.
And of course to live by the principles of St Carla, aka more joy, more ease, always learning more about how can I be even more kind with myself, towards myself.
What are your wishes, speaking of warmth?
What are your wishes? I am lighting a candle for them, and for your own investigative process, and whatever treasures are revealed from the act of wishing.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes. I love to wish wishes with you.
Thank you, St Carla, thank you to the winding path, to all the many clues that land when they land, to receptivity, and to the tiny hope sparks that we keep cultivating, one breath at a time.
Come play in the comments, I appreciate the company
You are welcome to share anything that sparked for you while reading, or anything that helped or anything on your mind. Wishes you are wishing.
Or anything you’d like to toss into the wishing pot, the healing power of the collective is no small thing, companionship always helps.
You can wish any wishes that come to mind (come to heart?), or echo “Oh wow, what beautiful wishes!” for my wishes or anyone else’s.
I’m happy you’re here with me.
Bonus question
I’m making progress on bonus material about how I relate to time and map out my quarters, let me know if there anything you want to know more about specifically? Drop any questions or thoughts here…
Anyone who gives to Barrington’s Discretionary (see below) will get these by email as soon as I finish editing, I hope soon.
A request
If you received clues or perspective or want to send appreciation for the writing and work/play we do here, I appreciate it tremendously. Working on some stuff to offer this coming year, but between traumatic brain injury recovery & Long Covid, slow going.
I am accepting support (with joy & gratitude) in the form of Appreciation Money to Barrington’s Discretionary Fund. Asking is not where my strength resides but Brave & Stalwart is the theme these days, and pattern-rewriting is the work, it all helps with fixing the many broken things.
And if those aren’t options, I get it, you can light a candle for support (or light one in your mind!), share this with someone who loves words, tell people about these techniques, approaches and themes, send them here, it all helps, it’s all welcome, and I appreciate it and you so much. ❤️