Habits Detective teleclass -- chat transcript
September 21, 2010

Thandelik: people prefer us not to change (unless it's change they request)

Laura G: sometimes even then

Laila: for sure...us changing causes others to have to examine themselves as well?

Jesse K.: Especially when people rely on us to be a certain way. 

spiralsongkat: Yes -- if we can make changes, so can they -- and that can be scary

Jesse K.: Hi :) How to announce to family when we're going through a change?

aardvark: can you speak to holding on/letting go... when you are afraid of ending... what it could mean and there's things you don't want to lose... ?

sara: or how to ask for support while going through that change

Laura G: How to deal with inertia and/or momentum with changes?  Feeling stuck...

marilynculp: how do you manage the process of transition, especially growing yourself and a business, when you need to make money right now, immediately!  how can we manage and deal with those immediate stresses?

clnewbill: Here's a big one since today is my birthday: I'm growing older and not doing too well with it. It beats dead, but I don't feel that I fit in anywhere anymore.

aardvark: they have a frozen in time idea of us, yes?

sara: when you encounter resistance in response to the changes you're making, how do you make them comfortable without giving up the change you want to make

Marisa: A related topic I'd like to propose, along with "change is hard, and no one really wants to change":  how to catalyze a change.  (When I know it's time for me to make a change, but I don't know how to get started.)

Laura G: Seconded, as it goes to my question, too

Jesse K.: That was very helpful, thank you :)

Diva: Me, too.  What Marisa said!

chicsinger simone: happy birthday clnewbill! hope you're wearing a tiara!

SarahBeth: Me three!  Especially, there are times when I know what would move me forward and yet I'm scared of the change.

andrea: trying to honour the commitments i've made in the midst of change, while honouring where i am now is different from when i made those commitments. i am a leader of an organisation that i don't want to be a part of anymore -- i feel i've outgrown it and just don't fit but i love the people i had committed to serve as a leader.

clnewbill: Thank you chicsinger simone! It's invisible, but yes -- sparkly tiara!

chicsinger simone: This is big, past pain comes back later if you don't acknowledge
Darcy: hooray for the bath!

aardvark: *how can i help?* is such a lovely question.

Jesse K.: Agreed, Simone...past selves get REALLY LOUD AND ANXIOUS if they don't get love and attention.

Andrew Lightheart: 'If you read my blog, you pretty much do yoga!' I love that...

marilynculp: change will not occur until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change.  sometimes, we're stuck right in the middle.  what can we do to make ourselves feel the pain of the same in order to push toward the good change?

aardvark: letting the relationship that has changed become what it wants to be... by not doing anything... yes? corpse pose? that way sounds kinder to me

Laura G: How to be chill with other people's changes, especially when those changes mean the loss of them in your life?

Thandelik: like a FAQ, a FNS a frequently needed support list!

aardvark: or writing helpful things/lines down on paper and offering that people take one out of the hat and offer you that!

Jesse K.: Love the FNS :)

chicsinger simone: yes

sara: thank you

chicsinger simone: Resistance!  Hates! Change!

Leslie P: The part of me that is afraid of the change in the fact that I've been living without for so long.  Its a greiving for the pain of not having made this change for myself before.

Laila: thats so me, Leslie

Jesse K.: The rut of resistance, for me, is also the part that I think is true about me. 

chicsinger simone: And is afraid to get it!

Laila: you get stuck beating yourself up about NOT making the change, and so continue to not make the change

chicsinger simone: yes yes yes

Marisa: @laila agreed

spiralsongkat: For me, sometimes making change means taking care of myself -- but the fear/tragedy is that then I may not be taken care of by others anymore.

chicsinger simone: Resistance always has a reason.

Laura G: Thank you!

LeeAnn: Can you talk about doing the same thing with a newer identity? I took a two year break and did a lot of inner work. But to make a living, I have to interact with the same world I left (I'm now a freelancer). I am deeply resisting it because I feel like I have to put that identity back on, but I know I don't, but the fear is still there.

FutureSarah: My stuckness loop is more elliptical -- I imagine my stuck is a planet, and I am a satellite. I can try to pull away, but I get far enough away that I start to slow down, and the gravity starts to pull me back in. It ends up feeling like a wave with highs and lows.

lune: I tend to picture my stuckness loop as more like a spiral -- I feel like I'm getting somewhere but the same issues keep coming up again and again, but at a different level...

spiralsongkat: Me too, lune -- there's a reason my internet handle is what it is. :)
lune: @spiralsongkat nice handle :)

amysnotdeadyet: @futuresarah, that's very much how i feel, like i get to the apex of the loop and everything looks bright before i'm pulled back down

Leah: same here, lune

chicsinger simone: Get a new hat for the new identity!  

aardvark: a drag performance!

lune: drag hat!

chicsinger simone: : )

chicsinger simone: tiara!  Brings sovereignty.

aardvark: costumes help, yes? ;)

aardvark: to remind that time is different than then

LeeAnn: this is really helpful

chicsinger simone: yes yes

Mari: @LeeAnn --- I am right there with you

FutureSarah: "now is not then" is beautiful.

chicsinger simone: Love the list of why things are different now 

Mari: Sequins!

LeeAnn: but how to tolerate the public aspect

LeeAnn: networking events etc

LeeAnn: explaining to people what you've been doing

Tori Deaux: i've done a lot of work on the idea of spiralling.. that sometimes it seems we come back to the same spot, but it's not really the same spot. It's on a different ring.. or rung.

Mari: They can even be worn in public tastefully

Laura G: sovereignty belt? bracelet?

Jesse K.: @LeeAnn maybe you need to introduce yourself again? Even if they think they know you?

Mari: at stodgy events

Mari: Oh yes!! A new introduction.

Mari: No need to explain

Louise: What about change making you feel very lonely?

andrea: trying to honour the commitments i've made in the midst of change, while honouring where i am now is different from when i made those commitments. i am a leader of an organisation that i don't want to be a part of anymore -- i feel i've outgrown it and just don't fit but i love the people i had committed to serve as a leader.

chicsinger simone: Same for me @andrea, I am just counting the sundays til my church gig's over

Tori Deaux: i want a sovereignty slinky! (it's connected to the spirals. it makes sense in my head, anyway)

FutureSarah: @Louise, YES. The kinds of changes I want to make in myself would completely alienate me from my work & social community (or at least, that's what the voices in my head are telling me)

Mari: @Leeann... I just say "wow! I've been super busy, what have you been doing?"

andrea: thanks @chicsinger simone. i am just absent a lot right now i want to be cleaner about it.

spiralsongkat: A sovereignty slinky!  With *sequins*!  And sparkles!

LeeAnn: thx Mari :)

chicsinger simone: try being nostalgic andrea

Mari: LOL. of course! and sequins!!!

Marisa: @havi, another question: I'm ready to end a pattern, but I don't know what comes next.  I carry the idea that change means "ending something to start something else," but sometimes we have to end something without knowing what will fill that space.  Scary!  How?

andrea: that's a cool idea @chicsinger simone

chicsinger simone: You don't have to see the top of the staircase to take the next step up. 

chicsinger simone: paraphrased MLK for @marisa

aardvark: And also, can we REALLY know that it was *the suffering* that made us change in the past?
spiralsongkat: When you're driving in the dark, your lights only show a short distance ahead, but you can make the whole journey that way.

chicsinger simone: yes

marilynculp:  A much better, and probably much easier way to look at change.  thank you!  no pain required :) makes a lot of sense, and I think your right about needing to feel pain before change is a painful pattern.

spiralsongkat: (I don't remember who I'm paraphrasing, sorry)

Marisa: (@chicsingersimone thanks for the MLK quote!)

chicsinger simone: :)

etherjammer: This is really more shoe-throwing than changes, but: What do you do when you're in the middle of a change, and someone else is insisting that it's the WRONG change, that you shouldn't be making it because you SHOULD be doing something else?

Jesse K.: Pain often elicits a compassionate response from myself: interesting that maybe I'm craving compassion and don't know how to give it without the painful stimuli.

Mari: @leeann I'm a chattery technopeasant, is there a way for me to give you my contact info? I would love some company myself.....

chicsinger simone: ooo good jesse

Andrew Lightheart: Havi -- I have something I've noticed.

amysnotdeadyet: @havi -- on the subject of lonely changes, what about when someone forces a change on you that you didn't want? I'm thinking of changes like rejection, losing a job or a friend, etc.

Tori Deaux: I have this strange thing where I don't want people to notice I'm going through change.  Transitions are very private for me, having someone else remark on it, even positives, throws me off balance, it can even stop the flow of the transition. Likely related to what etherjammer said -- i hear either fault with the change, or fault with how i was before.

Jesse K.: ooh @Tori I get that too. Not ready to be seen yet.

chicsinger simone: say it andrew

Mari: with sequins!!!

Tori Deaux: Sovereignty slinky for the win!

chicsinger simone: yes!  

Laura G: @Tori Yes, as if one must be better than the other.

Tori Deaux: Jesse K -that's it. "Not ready to be seen yet"

chesh: Ack, just listening to this is bringing up lots of ick and panic. It's weird how just talking about change brings up the change-related scary. (no action needed, just wanted to share.)

sara: I'm with you on that, chesh

Claire T: Tori Deaux, I have that issue too. Not just "not ready to be seen yet" but being seen pulls me into my logical rational mind where I feel like I should explain, then I lose my own thread. 

LeeAnn: @Mari -- lost your info. I'm at @laprescott on Twitter

Marisa: @Havi that was very wise advice.  Thanks!

Mari: thanks leean!!

chicsinger simone: Selma is my new business coach

Mari: oooooooo! steady loving encouragement! and a fake business coach!

aardvark: fake coach? noooooo. realz! you might not know it, but you are for realz.

Mari: who is really only just one lady... or duck

chicsinger simone: ha

Jesse K.: That thing about "I'll come talk to you when I have more information" is so perfect for right now. Thank you!

Andrew Lightheart: I must remember the fake business coach thing.

Leslie P: Ok, that rocks.  I love the idea of an external person who says I'm *not allowed* to talk about something.  Then it doesn't have to be my "fault" that I won't talk to someone about it.

sara: that does make sense. it's so hard to make that boundary

marilynculp:  always good to find ways to remove guilt!

chicsinger simone: permission slips all around

Jesse K.: *takes extra permission slips for later*

chicsinger simone: Still want to know what Andrew L has noticed 

lune: *decorates permission slip with sequins*

spiralsongkat: yes, so do I...

lune: @chicsinger me too...

Andrew Lightheart: Was going to say it out loud

Andrew Lightheart: Keep missing the timing to unmute myself!

Andrew Lightheart: Meh -- wasn't earth-shattering! Just about allowing time around transitions, and my impatience to not *allow* myself to be in transition. Like *enough already*.

Lori: Guilty of rejection smooshing

marilynculp: putting on my guilt-free feathered boa

Mari: @Havi... Do you have a favorite (or a right now favorite or an old favorite) way to separate a pain from something good? The situation I'm thinking of is I am wicked productive when I'm in a super witchy mood.....but it shows up other places too.

Jesse K.: http://hiroboga.com/blog/soul-of-business/shepherd-steward-saint-or-angel-what-kind-of-leader-are-you/

chicsinger simone: yeah.  You are in transition central right now.

SarahBeth: @Mari: someone really smart taught me to try to identify the physical sensations I experience without assigning value to them

Mari: oooooo

Mari: lol

SarahBeth: that sometimes helps me separate the emotional thing from the good things.

Mari: er ... not judging how? :)

Mari: ah 

spiralsongkat: I can relate to that, Andrew.  Sometimes I really want to know when I'm going to be *done* with a thing, already!  Okay, transition, when do we get to be *done*? :)

lune: @Jesse K thanks!

Mari: @Sarabeth -- like which sensation goes with what behavior?

SarahBeth: so I was taught this around anxiety: if I name what I"m feeling as "tightness in my chest," well, what's wrong with that?  possibly not so much :)

chicsinger simone: yes yes yes andrea and havi!  

Mari: ooh!!!

Diva: Split-personality changes?  My current life/self looks one way and the changes I'm making are part of a completely different reality. How to be in both worlds while the change is coming into being?  Seems like this would be easy if I could simply check out of my current life and walk away but nope, must pay the mortgage, etc.

SarahBeth: so i was wondering if you  might be able to identify the sensations that go with that witchy-productive mood and that might be useful?

chicsinger simone: totally there.  Leave a space for new leadership with love

Tori Deaux: Maybe something about stepping away will let new leaders develop? 

Mari: @sarabeth -- yes! because there is overlap!!

chicsinger simone: for what you were doing

Jesse K.: I agree @Tori...they will understand if you say you want them to grow more without you.

Mari: oh Jesse K.. yes!!! Grow more without you!

Tori Deaux: or also that you're moving into a new space, which puts you in a learning phase, which isn't a leadership role? 

andrea: it feels beautiful to create space for new leaders to step up

Mari: Maybe the part where they need it too...

Jesse K.: aha, @Andrew, the Urgency Monster strikes again.

andrea: yes -- and i am moving into a learning phase. totally

Mari: (er not that that will be easy but people like to hear about their benefits not their loss)

Kelly: A desk now, for goodness sake! I love it.

chicsinger simone: real time and monster time are two different things

spiralsongkat: @simone I think that for most of my monsters, all time is NOWNOWNOW!

lune: "we can accomplish things even while we are a wreck" :) LOL, good to be 
reminded of this now!

andrea: @jesse thanks for the link 

Leslie P: "There's NO TIME!" shouts the Jack Bauer monster.

chicsinger simone: most monsters use the melting Dali clock

spiralsongkat: lol

chicsinger simone: it says NOW on every hour

Marisa: @havi -- it's actually quite comforting that you made a 10-item list and only did 3 of the items.  I do that all the time.

amysnotdeadyet: @Leslie P I have that "boop. beep! boop. beep!" noise in my head now

Andrew Lightheart: Very useful!

clnewbill: I posted a question, but I think you have answered much of what I needed to hear.

amysnotdeadyet: @havi thank you for answering my question, I am totally in that place where a ton of stuff is tangled up and I do think I need to give each one its own space to process

Tori Deaux: laughing at Leslie's Jack Bauer monster! tick tick tick!

laurie: Hi @Andrew Lightheart :) I really relate to what you're talking about -- things taking FOREVER when you're in the thick of an enormous transition. -- one thing that helps me a ton is to let the things take forever, and let myself want to hurry though it all ... but not actually hurrying.

chicsinger simone: Even THOUGH....beautiful 

chesh: I recently realized that the feeling of anxiety and the feeling of overcaffeination are the same -- which means that if I've had too much tea too fast I can convince myself that something is terribly wrong and doom is lurking right behind me. I have to be careful about attributing emotional reasons (other than my generalized and free-floating anxiety) to a purely physical reaction.

laurie: that may help, or not -- only what works for me. the slower I let myself go, the faster i get to the point where i actually getting things done again.

Andrew Lightheart: @laurie Thanks -- that's very helpful -- to allow both parts. Such a great reminder...

Mari: yes! ohhhh! can I give it back? Yes!!!!

laurie: :) welcome

Laura G: @chesh: yes! "Oh no, the worlds gonna end... oh, wait, I just mixed Dayquil and Coca-Cola."

Andrew Lightheart: "One thing that helps me a ton is to let the things take forever, and let myself want to hurry though it all ... but not actually hurrying." Very very very helpful! For me...

spiralsongkat: Sometimes, when I'm having intense feelings that either don't feel like my own or that I don't think are useful, I consciously send them into the earth, telling myself that the earth is strong and can receive the feelings, and will know how to use them.

Mari: @havi madly taking notes THANK YOU!!! witchy productive mode yes!!

spiralsongkat: I'm so glad this call is being recorded...so much good stuff here...

chicsinger simone: yep

Andrew Lightheart: Honey's -- I've gotta go. 10pm here and need to hang out with the family.

Andrew Lightheart: Thank you SOOOO much for your company and help.

spiralsongkat: Take care, Andrew!

Jesse K.: Bye Andrew! 

Andrew Lightheart: You guys rock.

chicsinger simone: good night 

andrea: thanks so much @havi and everyone. this is awesome. i've got to go though.

lune: bye Andrew!

laurie: Bye Andrew! Hello Andrew's family!

Andrew Lightheart: And thanks, of course, to Havi. Thanks Havi!

Laila: night night :)

chicsinger simone: bye andrea! Good luck with transition.

Mari: @ the person who said noticing sensations... your name started with a K I think... THANK YOU!!!!!!

lune: bye andrea!

andrea: bye and thanks! i am feeling good about this transition now and sure the right words will come at the right time.

Jesse K.: Fastest hour ever.

lune: Thank you Havi! That's a lot of new stuff to think about...

FutureSarah: So glad I snuck out for lunch today....

Mari: thank you! everyone!!

Lori: Thank you!

Tori Deaux: happy bubbles and slinkies to all... you totally rock. Thanks Havi!

Claire T: Thanks, Havi! Next time I'll try to chat AND listen!

aardvark: bye everybody! thank you havi

Lissa: Thanks Havi!

Laura G: No sticks! just carrots!

chicsinger simone: love love love!

chesh: Bye and thanks to everyone!

lune: Bye everyone! That was great!

spiralsongkat: Thank you all!

Kelly: bye!

Laila: this was a lot of fun, and very insightful. thanks so much!

Jana: bye. thank you havi!

alexandra: thanks, havi, everyone: that was great!

clnewbill: Bye

havi: wow, so many amazing questions

amysnotdeadyet: bye, everyone! thank you again, havi!!

Laila: bye Havi, and bye Selma :)

Jesse K.: Bye Selma and Havi :)

laurie: bye all!  love and support! 

Marisa: Thanks so much, @havi!

Marisa: Bye, everybody.

havi: Of course!

sara: bye everyone! 

havi: thanks for the slinkies. Seriously, why  do I not have a slinky?

Laura G: it's fun for a girl *or* a boy!

spiralsongkat: I've tried using a slinky as a boa, but it's a bit...problematic.

amysnotdeadyet: I have a heart-shaped rainbow plastic slinky, @havi

chicsinger simone: hee!

amysnotdeadyet: But I think my cats stole it

chicsinger simone: someone will come up with one.

lune: @spiralsongkat I've done that too! gets caught in one's hair though...

Tori Deaux: that's what i had pictured as a sovereign slinky... a rainbow one. with glitter. 

chicsinger simone: it's a perfect bracelet size, or it was when I was seven.

Tori Deaux: I'll try and send one with the circus pirate monkey

Mari: circus pirate monkey!

Mari: this place is awesome.

Mari: flat amazing

amysnotdeadyet: @Tori I'm pretty sure mine came from one of those $1 toy machines

havi: slinky boa? ohmygod!

Mari: yes! 

Mari: feathers?

Tori Deaux: ohh so we have to win one amy? what a challenge

Tori Deaux: Mari, ain't it made of awesome?

Mari: sequins, flowers,,,,,, project for the five year old and me this weekend!

havi: someone start an etsy shop, please. I demand a sparkly sovereignty slinky with FEATHERS

Mari: @Tori and safety

Tori Deaux: lol

lune: :) this is the best idea ever

chicsinger simone: okay there is a slinky museum.  OMG

havi: really?

sara: field trip!

chicsinger simone: http://www.poof-slinky.com/Slinky-Museum/Slinky-Song/

Tori Deaux: oohh the slinky song!  

sara: oh my god :)

chicsinger simone: I'm breaking out the glue gun. 

Laura G: win!

Laura G: It's slinky karaoke!

havi: The official state toy of pennsylvania!

sara: pennsylvania has a state toy? I wonder if my state has a state toy

havi: That's kind of embarrassing but kind of awesome

chicsinger simone: NY's is a toy not permissible for family sites

havi: I was just going to say the same thing about california ..

Laura G: there's not many, at least according to wikipedia... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._state_toys

chicsinger simone: hee! 

spiralsongkat: That means the field is wide open for all the other states!

sara: exactly! 

chicsinger simone: Selma! Selma! 

Tori Deaux: downloading the poof-slinky museum's desktop theme.  i cant help it. 

chicsinger simone: Selma is for sure the official toy of the Havi Pirate Nation.

havi: Don't tell her that -- she doesn't know she's a toy. 

chicsinger simone: ooops I forgot!

spiralsongkat: I volunteer to be an official toy for the Selma Pirate Nation.

havi: awww

Tori Deaux: ok, i may have breached the limit of my absurd.  my mouse pointer is now an animated slinky

chicsinger simone: http://www.topwelltoys.com.tw/manufacturer/2411/2411.html

sara: haha, oh dear

havi: wow.

spiralsongkat: @Tori, I love it!

Tori Deaux: it's both hypnotic and.. disturbing

sara: I've downloaded some desktop buddies. I have a little cartoon child thing climbing my internet browser

sara: that is nearing the limit of my absurd

havi: Hypnotic and Disturbing. It's just one guy.

chicsinger simone: not sure these are all Official Slinkies but sparkle and glitter there is! 

Tori Deaux: LOL

chicsinger simone: HA!

sara: I found a real life "just one guy" band the other day and laughed and laughed. 

havi: Yeah, they're all over Portland. My gentleman friend and I are always giggling over signs.  

spiralsongkat: I'd better get going -- Bolivia beckons.  Thank you all so much!

Tori Deaux: simone! The slinkys from your link are so cool! 

Tori Deaux: bye kat~~~

chicsinger simone: I like the laser ones! PINK

chicsinger simone: ciao for now

chicsinger simone: or should I say meow for now! ha

havi: Bolivia beckons = best send-off ever

lune: bye sparklespiral

Tori Deaux: laser ones? laser slinkies? (goes back to look)

spiralsongkat: :) Farewell, see you on the blog -- thanks again!  You all rock!  :)

sara: bye!

havi: I go to eat now a lunch! 

chicsinger simone: bye miss havi, thank you SO very much and yer little duck too! 

lune: lunch you must. thankful we are. 

sara: bye havi, thanks so much! the class was wonderful

Laura G: thanks again, Havi!

Tori Deaux: bye havi, thanks so much : ) 

lune: Thanks Havi! :) That was my first ever call-chat-thingy, it was amazing!

havi: xox

Tori Deaux: must go pretend to work more. 

chicsinger simone: kisses to all ! 

Tori Deaux: after all, "I have a desk!"

lune: lol

sara: yes, suppose it is time to get back to work

Tori Deaux: ~~~~

chicsinger simone: For goodness sake!

sara: love to all of you, the chat was great :) 

lune: Thanks all! Bye

Laura G: later, all!

amysnotdeadyet: bye, all!