February is both the shortest and longest month, it always seems (for me, at least) as though it will never end and then suddenly it is gone.
Let’s reflect. Which is extra appropriate, since this was the month of Reflection and Reflecting.
I’m feeling tired and cranky and not particularly in the mood to reflect, so I’m going to do this like a messy awards ceremony, like the Oscars, which I did not watch, or whatever the other awards ceremonies are, I missed those too this year, as I do every year, so I do not actually know what I’m talking about, but I plan to give out awards to various February things in my life, and you are welcome to join me if you like.
What’s been working?
My monster committee believes I do nothing but navel-gaze, no matter how much I manage to get done in a day. They think I am steadily moving away from yes instead of towards it. They think I am trapped in fear-paralysis (I am, at least sometimes, definitely more often than I would prefer to be, though usually it’s because of them.)
So I did a lot of noticing and reflecting on this, for example how everything on my list gets zapped from my mind once it’s done, so that no matter how hard I work, nothing seems to ever count.
I decided to start tracking ALL THE SHIT I DO, aka ALL THE SPARKLEPOINT-WORTHY SHIT THAT I DO, which is everything, including the really small things, aka all the progress that the monsters instantly erase because each individual action seems so small, and because they like to say that I spent the whole day screwing around and puttering instead of doing the IMPORTANT things.
It is good that they want me to do the important things, but it is not helpful that I let them minimize everything I do.
My friend Agent Emdee recommended an app called RememberWin, and I am using it to keep lists of everything I do. These are not to-do lists. These are THIS SHIT IS DONE lists. Naming as it happens.
It is a good way to remember that actually I am constantly doing things. This is also helping me remember to celebrate, something I am notoriously bad at.
For example, yesterday it turns out that I actually did THIRTY SEVEN THINGS, all of which have meaning and are important, and any of which could have easily turned into iguanas (stuck things that are unappealing for no clear reason but they just are). And I did them. But apparently when I don’t note these tiny victories, I think I’m doing nothing, when actually I’m sweeping the floor and postponing an appointment and washing dishes and looking up a resource and making soup and so on.
Funniest thing about the month of Reflecting.
That time I spent a week looking for a room I could use with a mirror.
Because there is no room to learn how to keep a hoop around my waist in a motorhome.
Most unlikely thing I did this month.
Spend an afternoon shooting guns in the desert. Not something I ever thought I would do, but hey, when in Utah. I am still a neurotic eccentric urban jewish writer at heart, but it turns out that shooting at cans and making them fall down is a good time.
Hardest parts of this month.
Intense waves of hurt and anger. Learning more about how waves work.
The odd and awful feeling of loneliness when not alone. Wanting to be wanted.
There is so much racism here in southern Utah, and now this is something I encounter every single day instead of occasionally, and it is heartbreaking, and I never know if the answer is exit or punch people or educate, and the answer keeps changing, and so does the question. I second-guess myself a lot.
Best decision this month.
Motorcycle boots. They were for a motorcycle ride which got postponed, but it turns out I just feel 10,0000x more badass in motorcycle boots, and also more comfortable.
Also I started walking in circles around the RV park, and this turns out to be very calming for me. The circles, and the walking.
Best secret ops this month.
Operation Tabula Rasa. Operation What Would Alastair Reid Do. Operation Clear The Path To Clear The Path.
Things that are reflective.
Stars, reflective tape, lights.
I also found a really good library, which is a place of reflection. A well-lit place of reflection. That was unexpected and perfect. Thank you.
Things I am reflecting on (and making wishes about).
Kickboxing. Pole dancing. Hot springs. Quiet under the stars. What does it mean to get lost on purpose. The note that past-me left for me says GET OUT AND BE HARD TO FIND.
Superpowers I had.
Giving myself sparklepoints for Extreme Bravery!
Walking My Way Through.
Waves Pass and I Am Still Here.
This moment is worthy of being celebrated, and so am I.
Trying New Things Just Because.
Making perfect rice.
Change the date.
Superpowers I want…
Everything that is mine returns to me.
Redirected with Kindness.
Emeralds and Moonstones.
Everything Is Looking Up.
Regal As Fuck.
Yes I Know How To Use This.
The superpower of saying “back off, creep”, a la Traci Lords as Wanda in Cry-Baby, and the superpower of not even needing to say it.
The superpower of being a panther, a jewel and a ray of light.
The superpower of remembering that I already have all these superpowers.
Incoming me says…
Breathe. You’re doing great. Take in more oxygen. Give yourself a better view. Find your way back to the stars. Take exquisite care of yourself. Do more nothing. Do less, in general. Surprise yourself. Enjoy the boots.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. The month of Pleasure begins tomorrow. Look at all you have done to ready yourself for this, all you have emptied out, while you thought you weren’t getting anything done. You have been preparing the ground for this.
In the meantime, February was for Light, Clarity and Insight, and you had all of these in spades. You had breathtaking sunsets against the red rock mountain backdrop, you had big understandings about no and about yes, you had so many opportunities to let go and clear out.
You were your own ally, you were a spark of light, a ray of aliveness, awake and clear, and I couldn’t ask for a better companion to cross through this door.
Invitation: come play with me…
You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…
You can also share how things have been going, anything you’ve noticed this month, awards you wish to award yourself, or glow massive amounts of sparklepoints for yourself, whatever appeals.
Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.
Here’s how we meet each other: with kindness, appreciation and warmth.
I’ll see you here and also for the March wishes, and I’m also writing a post about setting things on fire, which I might publish soon, we will see how I feel. Lots of love.