What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Wish 274: the doing of not doing


very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity on my desires. The point isn’t achieving the wish (though cool things emerge from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it’s easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons behind that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

This morning.

This morning I woke up feeling almost euphorically peaceful.

Last night I had a good cry, I was held and loved, I drank orange-pineapple juice and the pineapple bit was extra-kicky.

I giggled, imagining Pineapple as a woman at a party who has more energy than I can handle. Then there was more sweetness, followed by sweet sleep, and then I woke up with what seemed to me to be an impossibly peaceful heart.

Peaceful.

I have put in a lot of hours getting to know the quality of peacefulness. Building intimacy with peacefulness.

People always remark on how peaceful I am, how peaceful my home is, how peaceful the Playground is.

What they don’t know is that this isn’t something that just is.

Peacefulness is something I’ve put crazy amounts of time into cultivating, because I needed it.

Making friends with peacefulness is my answer to PTSD, to the nightmares, to being a fragile, vulnerable, highly sensitive human being who finds many aspects of daily life pretty overwhelming.

Sometimes I’m right there with the peacefulness, sometimes we have to find our way back to each other.

Forget and remember, forget and remember, lose my way and return. I descend to the floor and breathe into it. Hello, floor. Hello, breath. Hello, quiet.

That’s what I need. I get quieter and quieter. I bring myself back. Peacefulness.

Peacefulness.

I do all this work so that I can exude peacefulness, glow peacefulness, give myself peacefulness.

The goal: meet each moment with presence so that I can either be peaceful with it, or notice my reactiveness and make space for that. Which is also a form of peacefulness.

Permission to not be in a peaceful place, understanding that in a given moment I might perceive that I have lost my access to peacefulness, these are gifts that come from peacefulness. Do you see?

This morning, again.

Normally in the morning I have to do things to get back to peaceful.

Often I wake up slightly-to-very overwhelmed about the sheer number of things that seem to need doing, and how they will be done and what if they don’t get done (again!).

I have trained myself to meet these moments, trained myself to focus on rituals of sweetness, the things I do in order to take exquisite care of myself. Partly so that I can function. And partly because that’s how I want to live. Living like this is one of the secret treasures of having been through so much hard.

This morning I woke up and enjoyed the sunlight dancing in the very green tree, the soft hum of the fan, clarity, sweetness, feeling fullness in my opening thank-you heart.

A day of quiet things.

I did a lot of very quiet things today.

Things I normally do not allow myself to do. Or things my There’s No Time monsters categorize as time-wasting.

Of course I have other monsters who say I don’t do enough of these either, so there’s that.

Here is what my day looked like, beginning from peacefulness.

I lit some sage and walked through the house, breathing peacefulness, asking all the things that are done to find their way out.

I smiled at things in my home that delight me. I blew kisses to parts of my home that don’t feel right.

I noticed some things about space, and about my space, and what I want and do not want in my space.

Agent Mueller had brought carnations home and left them in the kitchen, which was interesting. I adore flowers, and Agent Mueller knows this. When the garden has flowers, he brings them in and puts them all over the house, just to make me smile. However he doesn’t like to buy flowers. I suspect these flowers might be a thank-you for having resolved a sticky interpersonal situation the other day with a combination of skill and magic. Yay, flowers.

I much prefer FLOWERS EVERYWHERE to one big bouquet, so I divided the flowers into tiny bottles and vases, and put them everywhere I could think of. Superpower of Flowers Make Everything Better: Activated.

Then I did some bits and pieces of Congruencing, which is what I call organizing, since ugh organizing is the worst (for me), but I like it when things feel harmonious.

This included cleaning the mud from my red sovereignty boots, and dealing with the box of clothing that needs to be hand-washed. Slowly remembering that the process of Adoring My Garments can actually be sexy and fun, if I do it with intention, even though in my mind it gets categorized as a chore. Not a chore.

Then Agent Mueller and I did work-related errands, and then I wrote, and now my body is whispering that it is time for yoga. To the floor to breathe peacefulness.

To breathe love-more trust-more release-more receive-more.

What do I want?

More days like this.

Not just the peacefulness, though: yes please more of that.

More of the kind of doing that is following the instinctive pull of desire. More of this slow, steady, deliberate, appreciation-filled doing.

More of this doing of things that seem like not-doing but are actually changing the look and feel of both my internal and external space.

As I like to say: interior design. Very, very interior.

Awesome side note. I couldn’t find the post that I wanted to link to for interior design so I googled “turkish lady yoga interior design”, and it accidentally yielded one of the most wonderful image searches.

The instinctive pull. And the following.

I wrote above that I want to be following the instinctive pull of desire.

As I wrote these words, I knew what the pull was in that moment: to tell someone I was thinking about them.

I finished writing the section and then picked up my phone to do this, and there waiting for me was a text from this very person sent a couple minutes earlier:

“Thinking of you. That is all…”

So. What do I want?

More of this please.

More of this peacefulness. More of the doing of not doing. More alignment with what I feel, want and need in each moment. More intention. More of the all the superpowers of that.

What else do I know about this?

Acting from presence leads to more acting from presence.

Acting from panic leads to more acting from panic.

When I am on the panic path, it’s hard to pause and take a breath and allow myself to wander over to the presence-grace-peacefulness path. It can be hard to remember that this is even an option, that any moment can be a hop-skip over to where I want to be.

Not really a wandering over actually because (here is a wild secret!) it’s the same path. Or, they co-exist, so you can just say “Door!”, and there’s a door. I know, there’s no spoon. It’s nuts.

Here’s what I wrote last week:

I need my wide open heart of curiosity, presence and wonder.

I need to remember that the act of wanting, of being present with heart-desire, is enough. It’s another way I learn about myself and take care of myself.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Practice.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: This is the next step.
Me: Not taking steps?
She: Taking the indicated steps, even if they are tiny, or don’t seem to make sense. Presence. Being present with stepping. What comes next does not require leaping. It just requires paying attention.

Clues?

She’s catching attention like a flower in bloom / the night isn’t over until she leaves the room….

The superpower of trusting the voyage.

October-2014-Embarking
Last month was the month of receiving, and gracefully receiving gifts. Gracefully receiving my gifts.

Now we’ve turned a page in the calendar and it’s the month of Embarking, with the superpower of trusting the voyage. This feels big.

It also relates to ships, which I love, and which I use as code for the problematic word “relationships”, which I do not love. I like the part about relating. I do not like being in a box, and I do not like the expectations which come along with set forms. I like presence, openness, creativity, wonder, delight, trust and love.

So let’s have more of that. Let’s embark on that. I’m ready to trust the voyage. Ah, what beautiful wishes.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.

Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…

Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes. Take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.

More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.

Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka what I want vs what I think I want…

This was a good week for me. I definitely noticed a lot of disconnect between some of my perceived surface wants and what was really going on for me. I also noticed a much deeper trust in my wishes. Letting the qualities of the wish lead me.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

Chicken 323: I prefer X.

Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Stating my preferences.

Quietly and clearly.

I prefer X.

Like that.

So much easier than I think it will be. I can get so tangled up in fear over this, and then it is always fine. This is good practice for me.

Next time I might…

State my preferences sooner.

That will help.

Also there’s something about letting it be messy, sloppy. So many times I wait until I have the “right words”, and then I wait way longer than is comfortable.

I want to try speaking my truth even if I don’t do it elegantly.

And I want to use play.

This week the Noir Gunslinger said something to me that I know was hard for him to say, and he did this inside of our shared world and shared metaphors, in a way that was so playful and so sweet. It was so easy for me to receive, and to be genuinely happy with his news. He modeled for me that it is possible to say something that you fear saying, and to still be playful.

That was an inspiring moment for me. I would like some do-overs!

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. Watched myself saying yes when I meant no. So many times. Ridiculous. Also putting up with sexist bullshit. A breath for noticing, trusting and releasing.
  2. Big trigger moments Saturday night, in the middle of the dance. It was rough. And Saturday night lasted until 7am, because I forgot how to end it. A breath for trust, again.
  3. All I want to be doing is dancing and writing, except there are a million things in my life that are not dancing and writing. A breath for this.
  4. Related to the above, I am kind of in an internal tangle of an almost temper tantrum about this. Like, what am I doing with my life when I am not be doing this or at least learning it? And how unfair is it that I can’t do zouk and kizomba in Portland? I don’t want to move to Seattle! I don’t want to move to LA! But I don’t want to be not doing those dances either. So something has to change. A breath for trust and more trust.
  5. Three very long months without the person I was missing. Okay, days. But it felt like months. A breath for trusting, and for saying yes to the magic of anticipation.
  6. All the monsters this week about how I am not getting anything done, and how it is all happening too slowly, and doom doom doom. A breath for trusting the creative process, and the unfolding that is right. Oh, and sort of related to this: SO MUCH MOODINESS. Probably hormonal moodiness because I was three seconds away from tears for a lot of this week. Not only would I get all emotional at the drop of a hat, it would happen just at the thought of a hat possibly dropping in theory. So another breath, this one for sweetness.
  7. I repeat this one from last week, because it is so very apt: Trust. That’s the big thing, isn’t it. Sometimes it is so deliciously easy, so astonishingly simple. And sometimes this is where I collapse. A breath for remembering truth.
  8. Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. Amazing dances at Bridgetown Swing, with some of my favorite people to dance with. Finally able to feel the progress instead of just analyzing it. I had good dances with people I usually have okay dances with, and amazing dances with people I often have good dances with. So much play. So much laughter. A breath for hard work paying off, and for the sheer joy of play.
  2. My teacher saying that I pick things up faster than anyone he’s ever worked with. He predicts I’m going to be the karate kid of dance. Karate Kid references have been abounding recently. A breath for being able to believe this.
  3. Taos also came up all week too, and this time I listened. A breath for remembering, and for allowing big obvious clues to be big obvious clues.
  4. Alon and I had the most amazing conversation about true yes and true no, and something finally landed for me that I think will allow me to act on this with more trust and steadiness. A breath for being ready to live by what I believe.
  5. Honesty combined with sweetness. What a combination. What treasure. I can’t even believe I am experiencing this, I can’t even tell you what it means to me that there is someone willing to go this deep into vulnerability with me, no matter how scary it gets. So much presence. A breath of thank you, for presence, for warmth, for the right companion for a wild adventure.
  6. Realizing that all the things I thought were bad news are actually good news. A breath for This Is Right.
  7. Thankfulness. My strong, healthy body that can handle seven straight days of dancing. Big congruencing. So much help from Richard. Walking out of workshops instead of forcing myself to stay. Wisdom from incoming me. Wednesday night. So many lovely surprises. This amazing new project called The Crown L.I.S.T. which is blowing my mind. Autumn! Flannel sheets! Ginger tea! Warm baths! Walks in the garden. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full happy breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

The latest Internalship book went out, and it is amazing! Yay. A thousand points. We emptied out a crazy amount of stuff from the Playground. Operation Luscious Consonance: the Crown L.I.S.T., aka Sexy Ducks In A Sexy Row is completely amazing, it’s going at its own pace and I’m learning to be patient with that, which is good because oh wow, this is a lot of big symbolic change in the air. Things are moving. Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.

This post called PTSD. A letter from me to me. Worth remembering, again and again.

Superpowers…

Powers I had this week…

I had the superpower of Asking Wise Loving Questions, and the superpower of Turning Inward, and the superpower of remembering that insecure-me is not actually correct in her assessment of what’s going on.

Someone who remembers this truth even better than I do told me, “I’m sure the strong confident truth-loving self will take over soon. Just a little hiccup.”

Yes. The superpower of that. Of trusting that. Or even if I forget, knowing that this will come back to me.

Superpowers I want.

The superpower of Trusting That the Loving No Is The Door To True Yes!

New superpowers:

Delighting in Plenty. I am allowed to enjoy being adored. As much sweetness as I want. I see how beautiful everything is and I say thank you.

And planting these again, more of these please…

heatrical Spectaculars! I get a parade! Self-Ripening Wisdom. Everything…in style! And in grand fashion, because that’s how I do things, baby, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.

The Salve of Stating Your Preferences.

This salve is completely amazing to me. Whenever I begin to rub it into my skin, I can feel all the internal tangled places softening, dissolving.

Suddenly what I want and need is so clear, and saying it is so simple. People can either accept it or not, meet it with love or not, but either way, I know what I prefer, and I can share that information with the people who can use it.

I can make simple, clear, loving requests because I am a sovereign being who trusts what she wants and needs. I also trust that the other people involved are also sovereign beings who can deal with this information.

They are free to also share intel about what would work for them, or how they can work with what I gave them.

When I use this salve, I remember that it doesn’t serve anyone to contort. The best thing I can do is get clear about about what would be good for me, and let people know what that is. To be receptive to knowing what is true for me, learning about what is true for them.

This salve embodies the qualities of presence, grace, warmth, laughter, relief, release, and safety. It is playful, alive, dynamic, expansive. It smells (to me!) like ginger and cinnamon, and I’m sure it will have its own smell for you that is wonderful to you, because that’s how it works.

This salve makes sure that everyone gets what they need. It takes trust to use it, and then it rewards you with more trust. And with softening. Not just of your skin, a softening of everything that needs softening. This salve knows about invisible diamonds, and the crown that is felt instead of seen.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band comes via Luke, and it’s called Hat-Based Diversion Tactics. They do heavy-metal covers of Enya songs, and actually it’s just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.

So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.

I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.