What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Wish 278: pre-provisioned


very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

I have trouble taking care of myself.

This is not exactly news.

No, let me rephrase this. I have a fairly well-documented history of neglecting to take care of myself in certain situations, and this is something I’m working on and playing with.

This is the process of becoming someone who treasures herself, who takes exquisite care of herself.

So here we are. This is the practice, and everything that takes me off course is also part of the course. So I’m working on two things, taking care of myself, and trusting that however long this skill takes to integrate is okay.

I am slightly allergic to packing.

This is problematic, because this year has involved quite a bit of gallivanting about.

Every time I use metaphor mouse to sort this out, I learn that packing is actually taking care of slightly future me.

In fact, it’s one of my favorite things: setting things up for her so that her life has more ease, more joy. Leaving sweetness for future me.

Like treats in the back seat. That sounds dirty. It’s not. Read the link!

The point is, I get that Packing is providing for incoming me. It’s provisioning, I word I may have made up because providing sounds kind of heavy but getting provisions is fun.

This is a way I can treasure myself.

Pre-provisioning.

This is partly about doing this for myself in advance, not leaving it until the last minute.

And it is partly about finding a new way to interact with my monsters and their insane expectations.

[Monsters: Packing should only take half an hour, how does it take you all day?! Packing should not be this fraught thing, just do it!]

I need to remember that these things can take longer — much longer — than I think they will, and this doesn’t mean I’m slow, lazy, incompetent or not good at life.

It just means I estimated wrong.

And let’s be clear about this too: one of the reasons I find estimating so challenging is because I’m doing it while under the influence of monster-instigated anxiety and false expectations.

I know what I want.

Do less.

Spend more time on entry. Pause more. Spend less time doing and more time considering how I want to feel, and how I want to be while doing.

More permission, more legitimacy, more acceptance, more peacefulness.

Ringing more bells.

How can I play with this?

I want to let go of fantasy.

Fantasy, in this case, is some variation on either “I will be completely packed a week before my trip!” or “Oh whatever, it will only take half an hour, just make it happen!”

I want to work with what I know. It takes time (for me) to adequately prepare for things, especially travel.

My entire childhood was spent thinking that we were about to move. It never happened.

Nothing drives me crazier than being in the pre-stages of a voyage, or someone I love saying they’re about to make [big life change].

Don’t tell me you’re going to come visit me. Either do it or shut up. For example.

What do I want?

Steadiness. Breath. Choosing towards me. Choosing towards taking care of me.

What else do I know about this?

It can happen in bits and pieces.

There is no way to do this wrong.

It’s an experiment.

What do I really want?

Same as always. To trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

To live by the sea.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: I know how much you care about me. And I know that sometimes you can feel how much I care about you. Everything we do to connect and get closer is good.
Me: It’s like a hug moment.
She:Exactly. More hug moments. Remember that I’m right here, all the time. Ask me for help.

Clues?

“Are you feeling lucky?”

The superpower of wearing my crown.

November-2014-Sovereignty
Last month on the calendar was the month of embarking, and trusting the voyage.

Now we’re in the month of Sovereignty, with the superpower of I do not wait in line for my own swing.

And, hilariously, this past week has been nothing but sovereignty challenges for me. Pre-provisioning is taking this whole being-true-to-my-truth thing to an entirely new level. It feels like a good way to practice, to get to know what I am like when I wear my own crown.

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers, including the superpowers of knowing that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I Am Okay With Being Seen, receiving gifts that are winging their way to me. See also: The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers. And adds panache.

Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…

Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance it, write it, play with it, walk the labyrinth. Take lots of notes. Take deeper breaths, getting quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.

More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights, remember the purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Permission. Bright colors. Passion. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Lipstick. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.

Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.

Trust. Release. Love. Receive. Anchor. Crown. Glow. Boldly.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka joining the resistance…

I ended up having to move Operation Lacy Hips (anagram for physical) so I didn’t get to practice Joining The Resistance with my doctor. Except I went to have an eye exam, and they wanted my weight (they asked me three times), and I refused to give it and also made a note on the form that I thought this question was ridiculous.

Also I listed my profession as “unicorn”. So there’s that.

Oooh, and I 5MX-ed like crazy this week, and noticed that five minutes go by unbelievably fast.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox

Chicken 327: Turning coziness into an extreme sport, glowing love

Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Trust.

Specifically trusting the fractal flowers, trusting that working on one thing is working on all the other things, even if very indirectly.

When I remembered trust, every single thing that happened or didn’t happen was just right, and I felt amazing.

When I forgot this, things were rough. It’s always about remembering, isn’t it.

Next time I might…

Pause and breathe. Reset.

And then again.

It’s that pause, that’s when I can remember.

Not in the go-go-go, not in the rush.

The pause is smarter than the rush. Sometimes I avoid the pause because I am afraid of all the beautiful truth I will know when I am clear. It’s almost as if I don’t want to remember. So a breath. And then another one.

A breath for truth-love, and for remembering.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles work great if you don’t know what to say, so often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. Grief comes in waves, this is a known thing, and something I’ve through many times. And yet, each new wave catches me off guard. I am wearing my mom’s red coat. It’s the only thing she owned that fits me, and, interestingly, perfectly, it looks like a Havi coat. It lives at the tiny perfect pinpoint of the center of a Venn Diagram of her life and mine. It is warm and it is red, and I miss her. A breath for this.
  2. Pretzel France died this week. She was an amazing human being, I taught a number of workshops at her beautiful yoga studio in San Francisco several years ago. So much love in my heart for her, and so much sadness. A breath for Pretzel and her wonderfully infectious laguh.
  3. The chocolate shop is driving me crazy, again. So many system failures. I have no patience. People leave doors unlocked, no one shows up for appointments, someone invented a gas leak (not even a metaphor!) and we had to deal with this fictitious problem in the middle of the night. I don’t know what to do about any of this. A breath for perfect simple solutions or perfect simple turnarounds or even perfect simple escape hatches, whatever the answers are here, may they reveal themselves in right timing.
  4. Worry. It isn’t helpful and yet, there it is. A breath for comfort, may we all have as much of it as we need.
  5. So very overwhelmed by all the things that need doing. A breath for trust, patience, magic, hope, sweetness.
  6. Oh, things that are hard, they are hard and panicky. Internet trolls, bullshit at the eye doctor visit, fun hormonal body dysmorphia, a terrible time at dance, all kinds of things that make me a little crazy. A breath for trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
  7. And in the ongoing theme, the continued encounters with all the ways I relinquish my sovereignty, compromise my desires, neglect to state my preferences, avoid opportunities to treasure myself. This week’s sovereignty challenge came in the form of an incongruous, unexpected and unpleasant moment with someone I know from dance. We’ve taken a few workshops together and mutually agreed a few months ago to share some practice sessions. Because I like clarity and dislike misunderstandings, I made it very clear that my interest was dance-only and not anything else. We both have been traveling quite a bit and busy with work, so it hasn’t happened yet. On Tuesday he asked if I had time to practice that evening, and I didn’t (aw wish I could, have plans! smiley face!), and he said: “When we are both back in town I request that you make a more focused effort to ensure that we can get together”. Right. These are those WTF situations where I am completely clear on what I want (No thank you, abusive communication patterns! Goodbye, person who doesn’t get to be in my life!), and yet completely unclear on the form this takes. I got so tangled up trying to find words that would not invite commentary or argument. Yet again, a breath for trust and more trust and even more trust after that.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. Coziness! Turning it into an extreme sport. Curling up on the couch by the fire, wrapped in blankets, with a steaming bowl of delicious soup and a mug of ginger tea. A breath for choosing warmth.
  2. Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is coming up, and I am so excited for this Grand Adventure. A breath for clear knowing, and for the right partner to adventure with.
  3. Four and a half hours of west coast swing Saturday night. A breath of thank you for exactly what I needed.
  4. Sunday night was exquisitely beautiful and made everything better. Sometimes waiting a long time for the magic makes it extra-magic. A breath for all the sparks.
  5. Being called Mlle. Honeybelle, by my favorite people. A breath for all the sweetness.
  6. Once I remembered to trust the things happening under the surface, I had two of the most productive days I’ve ever had outside of a Rally. Actually, I hate the word ‘productive’. I hate that it makes it sound like doing is better than not-doing, like producing is the thing that matters. I had two days of flow. Flowductivity! Conductivity! Things were conducted. Through me. And suddenly all the things that hadn’t been working got taken care of. A breath for everything being okay, and for remembering.
  7. Sometimes yoga is magic. One one of the hard days this week, two hours on the floor took me from a mess of tight-fear-anxious pain into feeling like a radiant glowing ball of love and wonder. A breath for the magic of sweet, conscious, intentional breathing.
  8. Thankfulness. Heart full of love. Wise friends gave good counsel. Tiny miracles everywhere. So much sweetness in my life, so much kindness, so much generosity and permission. So many things are beautiful. This week I was bracing myself for many days apart from [person I like], since even one day feels like months, and this was going to be a lot of days apart, but then things moved and reconfigured, as they do, and I received closeness instead of distance. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Operation Clear Bell is still in effect, I am working on The Sultry Speedy Chicken of Sanguine Secret Ops, Operation Tranquility Recovery Magic is good to go, and I am trusting the fractal flowers. Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.

Four years ago I wrote a post on discouragement. Everything I said there is still useful. It was interesting (and — haha, yes, discouraging! though then not!) for me to read it and realize that only one of the four people I listed there as the ones I look up to is still in my life, my wonderful uncle Svevo.

It was a sad moment, except then it turned into a strong one, because I was able to see again and realize that yes, okay, even as everything ends, changes, reconfigures, I am still held, I am still okay, I am still here.

Svevo is still here too. I get to see him in a couple of days. And new allies come in to my life when they’re needed, just like one of these four beautiful people predicted. All is well. Nothing is wrong. I have had the right people for me in my life, and I continue to have the right people for me in my life, and maybe some of the ones who are gone will come back, and either way it will be okay.

Superpowers…

Powers I had this week…

I had the power of steady perspective, and the power of No One Gets To Talk To Me Like That Because I Am A Queen.

Superpowers I want.

The superpower of I Take Care Of Myself Calmly, Easily and Unapologetically.

Other favorite superpowers: Permission slips everywhere. Acting on guidance in addition to listening it. Trusting That the Loving No Is The Door To True Yes! Delighting in Plenty. I am allowed to enjoy being adored. As much sweetness as I want. I see how beautiful everything is and I say thank you.Theatrical Spectaculars! I get a parade! Self-Ripening Wisdom. Everything…in style! And in grand fashion, because that’s how I do things, baby, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.

The Salve of glowing love.

This salve feels like a breath right into the center of your heart.

It touches your skin, and then your heart breathes. It breathes differently, like it just got an infusion of soft sunshine. There is a warming, and then a deepening, and then you can feel the glow spreading.

You can glow this glow inward through your body, and outward through your space.

You can let it glow itself, ner tamid, the eternal spark-flame. Literally it means the forever candle.

This is the salve of I remember that I am a forever candle.

This salve makes worry unnecessary, it invites in peacefulness. Everything that isn’t mine leaves. Everything that is mine returns.

It is a salve of letting go and a salve of receiving in equal measure. It is lovely in the bath, and it smells faintly of cloves.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is called Jet Rock The Boat, they are brought to you by autocorrect, they play music that reminds me of The Cure (sad Cure, not happy Cure), and it’s actually just one guy.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.

So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.

I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.