What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

The rebel alliance of sixteen breaths / how to be your own compass / come breathe sixteen breaths with me

Hi friend, do you want to breathe sixteen breaths together?

I am here for this right now, to breathe sixteen breaths together, a tiny but meaningful mission, just right for the month of meaning.

Yes, I can already sense how much better I will feel when we devote sixteen breaths to the experience of [sixteen breaths].

Yes, my ribs and back feel more expansive just thinking about this.

I stretch my arms overhead with no agenda other than feeling how it feels. I brush away imaginary dust from between my ribs using my fingertips, I wiggle a bit because I am alive.

Come breathe with me these sixteen breaths, knowing-trusting-remembering that this practice of presence with our sixteen breaths is itself a living-out and reclaiming of the qualities and superpowers of self-treasuring:

Curiosity. Exploration. Play. Wonder.
Trust. Embodiment. Loving-Kindness. Glow.

A question.

What does it mean (hello again, month of meaning) to take this time?

Especially when we don’t have the time to take time? Or when we perceive that there is no time for taking time?

A response.

Sometimes, often, the monster collective whispers that there is no time for sixteen breaths, so let’s talk about that for a paragraph, and maybe someday I will expand on this, because I feel so strongly about this:

Taking this time for sixteen breaths is a small but vital act of Resistance, because it interrupts the external and internalized culture of go-go-go and do-do-do.

Interrupting patterns is how we subvert them, interrupting culture is how we subvert culture.

Taking sixteen breaths (or any time at all) to reconnect to ourselves is how we train our awareness and strengthen our light to illuminate all the patterns that need us to interrupt them and rewrite them.

Not only is there time for sixteen breaths, everything that happens after these sixteen breaths will be different and new because of how we have reconfigured our internal state, altering how we both perceive and react to everything we encounter.

The Rebel Alliance of sixteen breaths.

The act of observing a pattern changes the pattern, interrupting the pattern forces the pattern to reconfigure, and we are the rebel alliance of pattern-changers, we rewrite our patterns, sometimes lovingly and playfully, and sometimes with powerful intensity and sometimes with whatever we have in that moment.

Let’s breathe for this. And let’s begin.

Where are we?

If we are able to orient ourselves in space, we do this first.

I am turning myself to face north. Hello, north.

I am making myself comfortable,
asking my body if it wants any adjustments,
how could this feel better?

Then I settle in to be here now in these sixteen breaths, here I am, a body oriented towards north, ready.

If I don’t happen to know where north is in this moment or that is not a good direction for me right now, no big deal, a symbolic north works just as well, directly in front of me can be my north for the purpose of this experiment.

North is just another way to say I am here.

There are plenty of ways to say I am here, we can find one that feels supportive, everything we try is an experiment.

A breath for being here. I am here.

I am now the center of my compass,
my magnet-arrow center pulses with steady power,
center is home, I know where I am,
I can explore my edges, feel into circumference, return to center,
glow outwards, return to center,
breathe and feel how breath comes/fills deep inside of me,
return to center.

Yes yes we are here, and this is our north, now breathing northward…

A beginning.

Let’s breathe these sixteen breaths,
moving our attention around us in space,
circling an imaginary compass rose,
breathing clockwise and then counter-clockwise,
always returning north,
start point and star point.

Ready?

Ready.

A breath of awareness of the space right in front of me: NORTH!

Remaining in my steady center while moving my attention a few degrees to my right,
I feel northeast and breathe there, inhaling NORTHEAST and exhaling NORTHEAST.

My head and body stay centered and grounded, awareness cycles to the space to my right,
a breath in and a breath out for this space of EAST.

Attention moves behind my right hand, as if illuminating a blind spot,
I feel you SOUTHEAST and breathe in your direction.

And here breathing to the SOUTH, the space behind me, the sun sweet at my back.

Bringing awareness slowly to the back left-hand side, a breath for this space of SOUTHWEST.

Feeling the glow immediately to my left side, I breathe to you WEST.

Shifting attention again around the compass-face, breathing NORTHWEST.

Returning to north.

We return to north,
we settle into the center of this circle,
steady and clear,
this place of stillness and reverberating,
heart-home,
and we feel what is here,
inside the compass.

Spaciousness & Containment.

Compass breaths are powerful and reassuring to me,
but what I like best is not only to orient myself in space,
but to fill my space with breath/presence,
and infuse my space with what I want,
and feel-perceive a protective layer or boundary glowing around me.

This is where I feel held in my space,
this is where I feel myself in space,
this is where I am in conscious relationship with space,
claiming a circle of it for just me.

What do I mean when I refer to my space? Two things.

My internal space, body-mind, from organs to circulating breath to imagination,
all of my internal worlds and territories,
the vastness of who I am and what I contain.

And my immediately external space, this circle that holds me,
a vibrant force field whose glowing boundaries are both
called into being and maintained
through taking time to feel this compass
noticing what changes as it takes shape around me,
nestling inside it,
this round nest of contained spaciousness
that exists just for me.

Next we can add qualities to our compass!

I call in a compass for whatever I am currently working on,
and I name the qualities of my goal-wishes.

Here are two approaches I usually use for this, described below, you might find other methods and that is wonderful.

The [draw a circle on paper] method.

Sometimes I just draw a compass on paper,
and then let its qualities come to me.
Ah, here is what I want most right now: {TRUST}
Where does it want to go? EAST. Got it.

This method feels more like a cross between a puzzle,
and being a clear channel:
I feel into what qualities want to go where,
and then if they don’t tell me where they want to go,
I put them in different directions until something clicks.

(example)

This morning I needed a compass for a secret op,
and then it just came to me, each piece landing in order:

STRENGTH
BALANCE
EASE
GRACE
POWER
ADAPTABILITY
FLOW
TRIUMPH

This compass didn’t require any adjustments, but sometimes I play with placing words at different compass points, feeling for the strongest resonance. Often I name the cardinal directions first and then fill in the ordinals.

I have found that this intuitive method of calling in a compass gets easier over time, with practice, like most things, so if it seems challenging, maybe give this experiment a while. Or maybe you will like the next method better, or maybe you will invent your own!

The [make a giant list] method.

This is the form I generally use to craft a compass when working with a group at a rally or retreat. We come up with everything we want to call in to support the mission, and just add it all to the pot:

Play! FORTITUDE! Spontaneity! Laughter! Mayhem! Wonder! Effervescence! Pleasure! Serendipity! Exuberance! Insight! Messiness! Order! Conviviality! Clarity! Discernment! Solace!
Good Surprises!

Once you’ve gathered as many as appeal, you can run your finger over the list and wait for certain qualities to sort of sparkle at you.

Or maybe you’d prefer to circle the ones that seem more yes, or cross out those less mission-critical, whatever works best to help you arrive at your top eight. Then assign one to each direction and see how it feels.

If you can’t choose because they are all so good (I know, right?), you might like combining qualities into double compass, for example, north can be Glowing Clarity and south Grounded Vision.

And of course we can always decide that each quality secretly holds eight others, we can trust the fractal flowers, and remember that all qualities are related to each other, all qualities contain everything we could need.

Why do we compass / what is a compass used for?

Demarcating our space.

Awareness: let us name what is meaningful to us and then fill up on it.

For a more palpable sense of our boundaries.

For play and inventiveness, establishing and maintaining a state of receptivity.

To get more grounded in an unsteady world, an unsteady moment. Naming the compass qualities, breathing each one in and glowing it outward, this helps me stay centered, unshaken by the storm.

To change the feel in our internal space and the space around us.

For navigation. A compass helps me find my way. I may not know where I am headed, but I AM NOT LOST.

For resonance, a way to experience being a bell in the belltower, a compass is round like the sound of om, this is my bell-home, this is where I reverberate.

And this is how I reverberate: these are the qualities.

Yes, these are the qualities I wish to reverberate

My compass reminds me of what is most important to me right now,
it shows me what I wish to embody more fully

Here are the qualities that are most yes to me in this moment,
the qualities that will help me in the seas I’m currently navigating.

I name them, breathe them, feel them, call them in, learn to inhabit them,
let them surround me as I go about my day,
let them bring me back to intention and presence.

Center and periphery, and a note about People Vary!

Sometimes, for some people, it can feel easier to find center and expand sensation outward.

Sometimes, for some people, it can feel easier to find a sense of periphery and then draw/gather attention inward back to center.

Some people find the sensation/perception of encompassed by qualities to be soothing and grounding, other people do not want any sensation even close to [surrounded], that’s fine. Know yourself and choose what works for you.

Someone recently told me how they like to imagine qualities radiating/rippling/reverberating outwards into a force field while staying in the center. Layer qualities by radiating/rippling/reverberating multiples of them. I do this too.

Someone else I know has trouble feeling into center and can only get there from building a safe structure or boundary of breath qualities around them. Yup, that works too!

Just like in yoga, how we can build a shape from alignment/structure and then breathe life into it, or we can breathe our way into a shape, or we can do both at the same time. Work from the inside-out or the outside-in. See what you like.

When and where do we compass?

Whenever we remember, as often as possible.

I like to breathe into my compass when I wake up.

On the bus or while driving, I will think “ah, turning towards EASE”, or “yep, now we are heading in the direction of SIMPLICITY, how lovely.”

When I had a retreat center, we labeled the walls with the compass directions. People would sit by the direction or compass quality they felt most drawn to explore.

Turning with the compass.

Sometimes I like to stand (or sit or kneel) and face each direction in turn, breathing in the new quality and breathing it out, turning myself in a full slow circle, first one direction and then back.

You can also do sun salutations in each compass direction, if that is a thing you like, breathing the quality of that direction. If you want extra brain scrambling, you can assign a compass quality to each movement within the sun salutation and cycle through your compass that way too!

Come have yoga with me some day and we can do it together if that seems fun, or we can also do a lot of resting and hiding, I am super into the yoga of resting and hiding!

You can walk figure eights inside of your compass, naming each direction as you move through space. This feels amazing in a body of water…

Endless possibilities for movement and play, these are just idea sparks, expand on these if that is joyful for you, or maybe stillness and restoring are indicated, a compass is good for this too.

Establishing a default compass.

I like having a go-to compass for when I don’t want to (or can’t) do the work of coming up with a new one, for me this comes most in handy when I get PTSD-triggered. In that moment, I need something comforting and familiar, and I have zero bandwidth to figure out what qualities I might need while I’m disassociating and hyperventilating.

Another benefit to a compass you use regularly is that it’s all charged up with remembered sensation, the good feelings already anchored in your body and nervous system.

Compass poetry (this is my favorite technique!)

We will use my default compass for this
TRUST RELEASE LOVE RECEIVE ANCHOR CROWN GLOW WILD
but of course you are welcome to substitute
whatever qualities you like if any of those don’t work for you.

Here we go.

Compassing and encompassing from north, clockwise, then counter clockwise,
then crossing the compass to combine opposite directions,
cardinals and ordinals, and so on, in whatever combinations arise,
the qualities connect and reconnect in endless new combinations of flow and form,
letting them wash over us while we remain in calm still center:

Trust the releasing, love the receiving, anchor and be crowned, glow wild.
Wildly glowing, crowned and anchored, receiving love, releasing into trust.
Trusting the love, releasing and receiving, anchoring the glow, my crown of wildness.
Wild is the crown, my glow is now anchored, I receive to release, love and trust.
Trust in the anchor, release to be crowned, love is my glow, I receive my wildness.
Wildness received, glowing love, crown of releasing, anchored trust.

You can channel endless healing poetry of combined qualities for days, and all you need is a compass.

3-D compass (wait, no, this is my favorite technique!)

It might even be my favorite technique that I have ever invented.

DO YOU WANT TO TRY IT!!!! OH GOOD. I wish we could do this in person because it is amazing, and maybe we will some day.

Breathe in and breathe out to center.

Round 1: Feel into your circle of space. Let north be in front of you (or decide that the space in front of you is north. Sixteen breaths to cycle the qualities to your right and behind you and all the way back around, and reverse.

Round 2: Now north is above your head. Cycle the qualities in front of your space and behind you back to north and reverse. Sixteen breaths.

Round 3: North is above your head. Cycle the qualities to your right, and then below you and all the way back around, and reverse.

Breathe in and breathe out to center.

Reverberate.

What else can we want to say about compassing!

So much. You can compass-tarot! You can compass with superpowers.

You can turn a labyrinth into a compass or a compass into a labyrinth.

You can take any situation in your life and put it inside of a compass, and then see what happens.

Part of the play of self-fluency is that any technique is a door, not the answer, just the beginning of a new adventure. This is a favorite door for me, let’s play and see where we go.

Sixteen breaths, in companionship.

Around the compass.

A breath of TRUST.
A breath to RELEASE.
A breath for LOVE.
A breath for RECEIVING.
A breath for ANCHORING.
A breath to my CROWN.
A breath for GLOWING.
A breath to the place where I remember that I am WILD.
{reversing direction}
A breath for my WILD self.
A breath that GLOWS.
A breath that CROWNS me.
A breath that ANCHORS me.
A breath that helps me RECEIVE.
A breath that helps me LOVE and receive love.
A breath that helps me RELEASE.
A breath that helps me TRUST.

May it be so.

Invitation for companionship and play

You are invited to share !!!!!! about what is here, or anything sparked for you while reading.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving. We meet each other: with kindness and appreciation and awe

And a REQUEST!

If you’ve been at a Rally or retreat with me and we made a compass (haha of course we made a compass!) and you have a story or recollection related to that, please share!

Or if you’ve played with me in an online group space like the secret star society (come join us for 2018!) and you’ve had some good compass results, that is welcome too.

Glowing love and warmth your way, may we all find comfort and [whatever we need most right now] inside of a compass or these sixteen breaths.

to the point and not to the point

clues, steadiness, seeking

Thinking about PT aka physical therapy,
currently mostly taking the form of morning rituals —
connecting to my body through
touch-sensation-strength-stretch-balance-breath

PT is a huge component of my current mission aka
Operation Get To The Pt!

Some days PT just solves things for me,
it gets me out of bed and out of low-level anxiety,
it focuses me because if I don’t focus then I fall on my face,
at the very least my efforts to not-fall make me focus on
what is truly important:
feeling the ground

steadiness

PT is steadying, even when I fall,
it is steadying, maybe even especially when I fall

A breath for steadiness,
a breath for falling,
a breath for the steadiness of it is safe to try

falling

I have this rule that I get an extra ten thousand sparklepoints every time I fall on my face, because falling means I tried something, and trying is brave: I took myself off-balance to find my edges and re-acquaint myself with center, I am brave and wild, good job for falling, good job being human and falling, this is how we learn to not fear the fall…

magic

Anyway, PT is magic, quite often it is,
but some days I expect PT to do this magic for me and then it doesn’t,
and I feel sad, but this is because I am forgetting something important

And this is true for all things that are magic,
for example yoga + writing + wishing wishes,
it is also true for love:

yes to intention, yes to anticipation
no to expectation and obligation

(because part of the mystery of mystery
is welcoming the mystery)

not my job

Anything can be transformative, we can bring anything to a practice,
receptive, ready to breathe
ready to let what needs to be transformed transform,
we just can’t expect the practice/place/person to do the work for us
because sometimes it will and sometimes it won’t
but that’s not its job

(because that is not a fair thing to ask
and because expectations kill spark)

(and yes, I just said that the job of a magical thing is not to do the magic,
I know, it’s a paradox, the magic will happen when we agree to be surprised)

feelings that feel too big

The other morning I woke up in rage-panic which is
a very specific emotional sensation/experience and one
I did not even know about before this heartbreak devastation situation

It is so overwhelming,
not only the feelings that crash through me in huge waves, but also
this unsettling encounter with an entirely new feeling to feel

like discovering a new color that was not there before,
simultaneous awe for the newness, along with distress
because this form of new is so unpleasant

Ah yes, welcome to this huge spectrum of feeling,
welcome to being human, I definitely feel
more human than I have ever felt before,
and I can understand (in my mind) that this is beautiful and important,
and at the same time, it does not feel good

I don’t even know if rage-panic can be described

Oh maybe something about the disorienting terror of slow-motion shattering,
combining with aching loneliness and an immediacy of reactiveness,
an overwhelming intensity-of-desire to lash out,
to set everything on fire

And yes, I feel vulnerable and wild in this whirling unwinding,
in the devastation, yes, this is the fear of my own storm,
my own destructive nature,
what it might do

furnishings

Like Rumi, I invite this big feeling in to destroy my house and I do this for many reasons including:

a) hey guess what it will cause more destruction outside than in
b) it has more power when I fear it than when I make space for it
c) hello, temporary aspect of the human experience
d) these furnishings needed to go anyway
e) to drain something of its power, you go inside of it
f) nothing can destroy me / nothing can destroy me, I danced with the destroyer
g) the job of this house is to reconfigure a thousand times a day anyway, everything is temporary, yet sanctuary and shelter and refuge are mine always, it is easier to remember this when I don’t give any emotion the power of having power by fighting with it, I have the power and so I invite it in

I throw a party for rage-panic and give it a decoy house to dismantle, and I join in the disruption and destruction, yes, let us dance up a storm and smash everything, scream-wail our heart-pain, I do this and I use PT to feel the ground and to practice losing my balance but finding my steadiness

back to the pt

Sometimes PT helps a lot and sometimes a bit less

And, also

MY HEART HURTS

This is just a thing that is mostly true right now
and this is not something PT can help with

I mean, of course it can help,
by giving me a form and structure for loving myself,
just like yoga or skipping stones,
really that’s what yoga is
a form or a collection/experimentation of forms for being conscious about
the space we inhabit so we can take care of ourselves with love (!)

getting to the pt does help

It is just not enough to think, okay I will do PT and ta da all will be fine

Sometimes it will be fine, sometimes it will be not-fine

And, either way, we are slowly steadily healing

there you go, the distilled yoga of life, right here

{Sometimes it will be fine, sometimes it will be not-fine.}

{p.s. And then later it will be fine again
but trusting this is the hard part
so a thousand points to me for practicing trust}

whispered

These are things I whisper to myself in the morning
the yoga of getting through november etc

I danced with the destroyer

and I am okay

memory

yesterday, while in shavasana at the yoga studio I almost never go to,
I heard/received a something, a transmission of clarity,
in the form of words resonating in my body, ….

YOU DANCED WITH THE DESTROYER AND NOW YOU ARE SURPRISED WHEN EVERYTHING IS BEING DESTROYED, YOU INVITED IN THIS BEAUTIFUL DESTRUCTION FOR NEW BUILDING SO THANK IT AND ADMIRE IT AND APPRECIATE ALL THAT YOU INVITED IN

I mean, it is true, I danced with shiva himself,
dancing the dance of anger and the dance of joy,
we danced the wild edges of destruction,
we were the storm and the eye of the storm, how many people can say that,
really how can anything surprise me anymore

(and now we train)

the next day

Training is 97% trust in the next day, holding the faith that whatever it will bring or hold will be useful in the greater trajectory, that what we seeded today counts

the next day, again

The next day I went back, that is,
back to the same yoga studio I supposedly don’t go to,
and discovered a huge painting on the wall behind me which I’d never noticed:
Shiva, dancing

Train, trust, breathe, rest, receptive heart, look for clues

what do I know about strength training?

The paradox that is not a paradox:

Repetition is everything but changing it up is everything
and haha guess what, time off is transformational,
oh and by the way,
what got you here won’t get you there but also
practicing one thing with steadiness and trust[wax on wax off] will get you somewhere
that will amaze you (!)
but if you try to get there instead of being with the One Thing,
it gets harder

A heart-sigh for all this,
for practice and trust,
and the superpower of What Am I Wrong About….

what do I know about my heart

A home for me
refuge and sanctuary
always whole even when [perceptions of shattering] powerful
resilient
self-renewing
echoing & reverberating
home of wishes and self-generating superpowers
hearth
warmth
joy-and-sorrow, anything can be a door,
my heart is always heart-shaped because
love-source is mine always
and love-source takes the shape of me
I breathe love and am filled
filling up

I breathe to my blindspot
heart, show me more heart

a heart-shaped x

I went to the cafe where she always hands me a plain white mug to fill,
but she gave me a heart-shaped mug covered in tiny hearts,
she said “it works like normal”

I must look like someone who can’t stop crying
because things like this keep happening

And yet

That was a week ago but today I felt peaceful
and I surprised myself by asking for the heart-mug
and she said of course of course always

yesterday

Yesterday I asked [what do I know about my heart]

Yesterday I lifted my glass To The Illustrious Travelers, and then
decided to investigate more what it means to live in this category,
who am I when I see myself as an Illustrious Traveler

Yesterday I stopped hating someone who hurt me,
or maybe that is not true,
I wouldn’t say that I am all the way to not-hating,
but maybe now it is less about hating,
and something is new
something is opening
something is clear(er)
something is letting in more light
under the stars

today

Today I went to yoga and the theme was
LET US PAY ATTENTION TO OUR ACTUAL PHYSICAL HEARTS
which is kind of incredible,
an entire hour focused on my yesterday-question of[what do I know about my heart] aka dedicated time for the pursuit of
following up on what we seeded

I learned from the teacher, who is also
my personal hero in the category of let’s geek out hard on anatomy,
that the heart actually moves around quite a bit,
and we can FEEL IT AS IT TRAVELS
yes it travels
my heart, it turns out,
is also an Illustrious Traveler

more

More to explore here, always,
this is the nature of exploration

I am noticing a welling up of[Appreciation & Thankfulness] for how clues lead me to clues
and questions lead to questioning
and receptivity to feeling heart space opens heart space,
we seed with our words

illustrious / lustre / listening / love

Today my heart does not hurt
this is new
I am listening
maybe tomorrow it will hurt again,
and I will keep listening,
this is part of my itinerary in my illustrious travels
of being someone who loves
and who glows

Breathing for this now

Invitation for companionship and play

This post does not have an ending,
haha I never got to the point, but that is part of the point
my PT joke is still hilarious to me,
anyway usual comment zen applies

You are invited to share !!!!!! about what is here,
or anything sparked for you while reading

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

It’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, for play or Safety First

Here’s how we meet each other: with kindness and appreciation and awe

join me for thanksgiving let’s rewrite (and re-right) this day, also another post about elephants

this thursday

ah this thursday is american thanksgiving and really there is no shortage of ways that this day can be hard and challenging, ohmygod so many ways and so many reasons

[whispered aside! if you love american thanksgiving and are looking forward to thursday, then I am very happy for you and wish you great joy, pleasure and delicious pie, you probably do not need either this post or the secret hideaway that I am setting up for us, but of course you are welcome and invited too, there is space for you too, and now back to naming the hard things! same goes for friends in canada, mexico, europe, japan, new zealand, australia and wherever else you might be reading, hi!]

the hard things let us name them

hard things not limited to but including,
ohmygod the list might be too long, we need two lists, if not more
let’s start with mine,
on the personal level

on the personal, for me

(1) okay so for me this day is so lonely and painful, I never want to spend it alone
(2) but I also can’t join people in their holiday celebrations, gatherings of people do not work for me, extremely high sensory processing sensitivity means it’s too much energy to navigate, even the best group of people is overwhelming and exhausting and will take all my spoons and I will get a migraine
(3) haha seriously though sharing a meal with more than two people (maybe three if I really really like them all) is the worst, why do people like doing this, it is a mystery to me, why is the whole damn culture set up to privilege extroverts and brains that don’t get overwhelmed by sensation, I feel frustration about this
(4) many painful memories and grief around this time of year means I might spend a lot of the day in tears, and when I say “might”, I mean 98% chance of loud public crying, which is awkward enough alone and really not something I want to bring to someone else’s festivities
(5) last year I had the perfect thanksgiving: sweetness + solitude + magnificence + love, out with the beautiful boy in the stunning mojave desert, delicious leftovers from the mexican place in town, walking in the desert at sunset, holding hands and laughing, snuggling on the couch, in love with love and life, and now he is with someone else, and I am in a dark cold loud city, and I want to experience that thanksgiving again, that form of love-and-closeness, but it does not exist anymore

on the political, for me

the history of this holiday is so painful and awful, the erasure of native people and their history/experience/trauma is already day-to-day reality, but on this holiday it is amplified, how do we even begin to acknowledge, make amends, be present with a day of [public expressions of gratitude] that overlaps with terrible injustice

I also think a lot about the alone-and-lonely, the people who miss family or never had or crave it or those who do not want it at all and don’t wish to be around it, this is yet another holiday that celebrates and centers those-who-have and the experience-of-having, and neglects all the people in a state of lack, loss, pain

I don’t know how this can change, how do we change culture, this is painful too, this is something I want to write about more here, because self-fluency is not only rewriting our own habits and patterns but glowing change into the world around us

back to the personal, for you, maybe

when I think about other people I know here, the hard parts of this day are different but equally hard:

from obligations and expectations real-and-perceived, personal and cultural to family stress and travel stress and wanting everything to be not-terrible, and then setting boundaries, and the frustration of having to set them, worries about unwanted questions — and how to answer them, or how not-to-answer them…

for those of on the highly-sensitive/witchy spectrum or whatever you like to call that spectrum, we pick up on all the ambient anxiety anyway but it really picks up intensity this week, and we have to clear that out of our headspace!

some of us are bracing for encounters with people who hold opinions that are genuinely dangerous and awful, I am so sorry if you are in this position

and while gratitude is genuinely a luscious glowing beautiful spiritual quality that transforms hearts and so much more, it also gets distorted so fast through culture into shoulds/expectation/bullshit, into forced and contrived, the unsovereign energy of that is exhausting too

in short, it is a lot, this day, even for people who mostly look forward to it

and for everyone outside of the united states, ugh sorry for everything, not just internet and social media being taken over by dinner photos, but this political nightmare reverberating through the world, we know we have at best a dangerous, unpredictable, cruel, corrupt president maybe also a sociopath, these are frightening times, acknowledgment for this, it is nonsense and NOT OKAY

elephants

everyone this week is justifiably upset about elephants (I mean, we are upset about everything), but these are actually not the elephants I wanted to write about today

I have written about twenty minutes on elephants and also symbolic elephants (gender) and writing notes to an elephant, but today a new kind of elephant

in the air

lately have been playing with the proxy mission of I Am An Aerialist And Everything Is Solved In The Air, which comes with the superpowers of Turn It Around, Turn It Upside Down, and Rest Into Silk

my favorite thing about the aerial silks I got to test in vegas is how they are rigged to hold so much more than me, a built-in state of extreme over-preparedness, the superpower of not only All The Safety but also So Much More Safety Than Could Ever Possibly Be Needed

no matter how scary it is to go upside down and trust the silk (and for the record aerial yoga is not even three feet above the floor, it’s supposed to be therapeutic and calming but I have to talk myself into it), I can remember that this apparatus is set up to hold exponentially more stress than I could possibly give it

oh right this thing is RIGGED FOR CIRCUS IT CAN HOLD TWO THOUSAND POUNDS STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD A BABY ELEPHANT, so when I give it all of me, I cannot tear it or even stress it, no matter how awkward and graceless I feel, none of that matters, this contraption is set up to handle more damage than I could ever do, the very definition of abundance and plenty, safety and protection

mmm I love this, it feels like a prayer to me, a baby-elephant sized prayer, a ganesh statue for may all beings have the safety they need

can we use this to solve thanksgiving

what is a container with [COULD HOLD AN ELEPHANT] levels of Safety, Protection, Purpose, Intent, Magic, Candles

not that we want to hold elephants obviously, I just mean the intention of that much power, that much held

what do we know about Rigging — the good kind, in the form of boundaries, containers, structures?

what are the foundational elements (and elephants) of safe transformative space, how do we create a hide-out blanket fort space to shelter us from the hard parts of thanksgiving, while making space to rest into the good parts of finding a thank-you heart

TIME
SPACE
INTENTION
QUALITIES (and superpowers)
BREATH
BODY
MYSTERY (solve for x, exploration)
TREASURE (SELF TREASURING)

mmm it is a compass of eight points

I will write more about compasses later this week!

what does this remind me of

does anyone here remember hermitsgiving?

hermitsgiving was this amazing thing we used to do when I had the retreat center, a five day quiet retreat that took place over american thanksgiving, with a giant delicious picnic feast on the floor — yes it turns out I do enjoy communal meals when there is a shared sovereign culture of no-advice no-caretaking, and no obligation to talk or interact, and quiet music and warm loving people, hermitsgiving was the best and I miss it

offering: a private communal thanksgiving space

the what: a combination of safe space / mini-rally / a revisiting of hermitsgiving

more specifically: I have put together a space (private hidden page on the site) for people who want to hang out online this thursday, november 23rd, and find ways to get through this day together or make it more meaningful (MONTH OF MEANING!) and joyful, regardless of our plans for the day, I will be there all day writing and processing, you are invited to join me and share companionship and silliness, possibly even things related to elephants

in this space I am sharing TWELVE (12) capers, this is my code word for “exercises” since exercises do not sound fun to me, these capers are self-fluency techniques or approaches we can play with to help us transform this day or get through it or make it better, or for whatever is needed

I will be playing with these throughout the day and checking in on how it goes, you are invited to play too!

cost: we are doing this donation-yoga-style, asking for $12 but choose your sum, here is where to sign up:

who this is for: anyone who wants company or companionship on this day, for whatever reason, or a way/place to process, whether you are spending the day alone or with family or whatever is going on for you, we are turning this day into a mini-rally where we can
a) practice extreme self-care and wild self-treasuring
b) give ourselves what we need
c) lovingly invite/initiate small shifts in awareness, mood, body, internal and external space
d) give ourselves the gift of what we need — maybe that is making it through the day in one piece, or maybe that is designated time and space to investigate a mysterious project, or who knows, maybe making it through the day is the project, it all counts

If this interests you, you are invited!

invitation

you may share this with anyone who might need it

you can seed superpowers and wishes for the week (and for thursday especially if you like)

you can share !!!!!! about what is here or joy-and-hope, or anything sparked for you while reading

here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness and appreciation and love

A month of meaning

Door of Meaning

Meaning what, exactly

I love having a word to accompany each month, or really,
to accompany me each month as I passage through,
focal point and talisman,
this month though has feeling especially Baader-Meinhof-esque,
that is, the phenomenon of frequency illusion,
aka when a certain something is suddenly, out of nowhere, mysteriously everywhere
and you can’t escape it.

Was everyone in my life already focused on MEANING
and WHAT IS MEANINGFUL
and the HIDDEN MEANINGS inside of everything,
all the time, constantly,
or have I only begun to notice this now,
do you know what I mean?

Hello, meanings.

The Meaning(s) of Meaning

Meaning is Interpretation.

Meaning is CLARITY.

Meaning is INTENTION:
what do I mean and how do I mean it
as well as all forms of {enter as you wish to be in it},
presence + heart glow.

Meaning is a declaration of purpose and intent.

Meaning is also Say What You Want To Say.

“Honestlyyyy I want to see you be brave!”

And, also, this:

Meaning is all the life/soul questions
(sometimes invigorating and sometimes rattling)
that help us investigate what is meaningful
to us, right now,
questions like:

Is This My Yes?
Does This Serve Me? How Am I Of Service?
Is This Truly How I Want To Be In The World?
Why Am I Here (in this location or this relationship or at all)

Alright. Let’s investigate. What is meaningful to me?

In my work: playing with like-minded agents as equals, sharing more writing with you, dismantling external hierarchies, documenting my legacy: the approach, principles and techniques/forms of self-fluency, the art and science of transforming patterns and habits, everything I know about wild-self-treasuring and exploring internal worlds with curiosity, playfulness and love. And spreading this good stuff in the world, may there be more of us doing this work of being conscious and playful with life!

In where I live (location): horizon, expansiveness, yoga/dance, play, connection, peacefulness, stars. Community.

In home: ease, warmth, quiet, coziness, nesting, where do I always feel welcome?

In relationships: love, sweetness, presence, play, independence, treasuring, sharing, clarity, integrity, fluidity, pleasure, freedom, someone to stroke my hair and write loving words on my back.

What is the meaning in this meaning?

I value play, a lot.

And yes, I am still deeply drawn to this wish of having like-minded people to play with and magical places to play. I miss The Playground, my beautiful retreat center. I do not miss the stress of making it work. What is next? What is the new form that is both meaningful and sustainable, meaningful and supportive?

Let’s stay receptive and look for clues.

Clues

November is not only the month of Meaning,
it is the month of the superpower(s) of
{A Breath of Awe and Clues Everywhere},
which I love because it can mean so many things,
a kaleidoscope generating seemingly endless
combinations of meanings.

Awe + Clues: Everywhere!
Awe, and look, clues everywhere.
A breath of awe about all these clues, which are suddenly everywhere.

The clues inspire the awe,
and this awe-state reminds me of other, related superpowers.

Related superpowers to A Breath of Awe and Clues Everywhere.

New Eyes, Look Up, Blink Open,
Finding My Way Back To Receptivity,
Turn Around / Turn It Around / Turn Everything Around,
Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe.

Words are my magic, words are my medicine,
Breath is my magic, breath is my medicine.

What are my November clues

The extreme kindness I found in Nebraska.

Truthfulness. In October it seemed like everyone I encountered was saying one thing and meaning another. In November, there is refreshing directness. I appreciate this.

Small miracles.

Breathing deeper.

Ring more bells.

What is my November incoming identity

Ah, of course Risk Taker me, time to channel her.

She takes our goals-dreams-wishes very seriously
while still maintaining an approach of play.

She is wild and flirtatious and sexy and mysterious and alluring and owns it,
always playing, always training, always in play, always in training,
she delights in the mysteries, all of them,
including being a wandering witchy [word for teacher who does not teach] a reveler revealer rebel of bells.

Yes, let’s be the Rebel who is the Bell and the Belle (of the ball).
To rebel is to re-bell, to reverberate again in a new way,
I am the rebel who rebels and re-bells.

Sometimes I resist [things that need doing] and I suspect this might also be a form of rebellion
but what if attending to the secret ops on my list could be
its own form of rebellion (and re-bell-ing)
as part of my commitment to Purpose & Intent.

What is the meaning in our missions?

Peacefulness, Freedom, Follow Clues, Follow More Joy.

Share Truth-Love, Breathe Deeper, Turn It Around, Play In Community.

Declaration of Purpose & Intent.

My work is, in many ways, about Agency,
it is the opposite of being the teacher/guru/solver-of-things
let us forever keep dismantling the hierarchy of that!
and more about the combination of
a) everything I do to maintain my ability to be a clear channel and access wisest-me
b) working and playing with people as equals as we process our process, using the approach of self-fluency.

I love working with clients,
and also I sometimes see some gaps in certain concepts and skill-sets,
which another reason I want to document the body of work,
so we all have a useful reference manual when we get stuck/lost/disconnected.

A vision slowly taking shape

What if we develop some sort of training,
an Agenting training
for fellow Secret Agents of Agency,
in the Agency of Agency,
so that we can play as equals,
channeling our wisdom and the universal sea of wisdom together,
glowing courage-sparks and truth-love into the world.

Anything else about this?

Not sure of the form yet, maybe a manual, maybe a not-a-course delivered by email, maybe a retreat, maybe some combination of these.

Presumably a mostly self-directed DIY sort of thing so that I don’t even accidentally wind up on a pedestal, because that goes against the whole intent of all of it. INTENT AND MEANING. That is what matters.

If this interests you, let me know!

Okay, let’s seed this wish with great love and patience, and see what emerges.

A pause for a tiny freak-out related to something entirely different.

Me: Help I am feeling very distracted and disjointed because I took a risk related to someone I love, and now I am in oh shit what did I do mode.

Incoming me the rebelling bell: Hey, risks are our fuel. There is no point in worrying about how they are received because we already get all the points possible in the video game for taking the risk, this is also true of competing in dance, it one hundred percent doesn’t matter who you draw, how you dance or if you place, because you get all the points for competing, and anything on top of that is a complete bonus, and you know better than anyone that the game is completely rigged to begin with so it doesn’t reflect on you it only reflects on the game, you just have to reverberate more and better.

Me: How do I do this?

Incoming me the rebelling bell: I need you to breathe and remember how to be a bell. What if I tell you that all that is happening now is perfect, this nervousness about risk-just-taken is perfect, even fear is perfect because it is revealing and allows you to reflect more (both meanings of reflect, to turn inward and contemplate but also to shine your light and bring more vision to the world, to be clear), this is all related to Purpose & Intent, everything is working out just right. Can you turn your BADASS REBEL CONFIDENCE up to a thousand, and set a bell for eight minutes and focus on the mission? I’m with you.

Talking to a door / seeding wishes at the threshold

I love this month’s door and its pretty prayer flags,
colorful wishes
are exactly what is needed.

Wishing for:
Peacefulness. May all beings find peace.
Sweetness.
Solutions.
Simplicity.
An Undoing that is a Returning.
An Unwinding that is also a form of Do-overs Forever!
Let This Be Made Right.
Sustenance and Sustainability.
Solace.
What I need is here when I need it.
I am a bell.

What does the door know?

The Door Of Meaning says:
You are always welcome here,
you are always welcome,
you think you don’t belong, you think Meaning is beyond,
that you are only getting by,
and yet your words your work your smile your joy
it is all meaningful and full with this meaning,
and you are love and you are loved,
and your beautiful full-and-broken heart
can hold all of this,
no contradictions,
no holding back,
cry as much as you want
at the door
it is safe to feel and want,
to know and not-know,
to have a vision and no path, or a path but no vision yet,
trust: it will all sort itself out,
nothing to do here but breathe awe and breathe clues,
breathe for passage,
feel for the meaning you have not found yet,
it is there even when you don’t see it

{trust love more}

Invocation of Meaning

I am Fierce & Fearless
Powerful & Striking
Of The Earth & Wild
Glowing & Alive

May we unwind what needs unwinding,
breathe into our heart,
wear our crown,
love-more trust-more release-more receive-more
learn to seek-and-become refuge for ourselves,
ring more bells,
yes to life

Invitation: Communal wish/processing space! Come play with me…

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,

Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…

You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.

Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!

Portrait of the artist processing a [crisis-with-a-small-c]

Derailed.

This morning all my plans for a day of Making Big Progress On The Project were waylaid by what is ultimately, I hope, a minor crisis or maybe even not a crisis at all, but which felt/feels more like an enormous insurmountable disaster, and I cried, in public, again, and it was awful.

Except there was this moment, the briefest clearing of static, and in this moment I was able to hear this narration in my head as it was happening — Everything Is Awful! What About Your Plans! Waylaid! Crisis! Crying In Public Again!

It was the word [again], that particular intonation, the blaming voice, and I was able to remember that [again] is almost always a monster-word, which means it is also a clue.

Words are clues. This means this story of Derailed is also a clue, something I can investigate, with love.

Narration.

Anyone can have the job of narrator of my life if I’m not paying attention, so I always want to channel the wisest, most compassionate version of me to voice my internal narratives.

Here’s to the superpower of hey guess what, I get to decide who to nominate for this job!

Remembering this option is where I interrupt the pattern of the Narration of Doom, and pattern-interruption is what self-fluency is all about.

Process.

I asked Slightly Wiser Me to walk through this with me, to be my companion, can we traverse this current experience of [crisis] together, can we take a step and then another step?

This is called process, and here is the shape my process has been taking today.

Caveats!

I share this with the usual reminder about People Vary, aka my steps don’t need to be yours.

Additionally, it is not at all important which steps we take or how many or in which order or even if we perceive them as steps. We play, we try things, it is all a practice, and like any practice, it is alive and dynamic and can change shape as needed.

Some things work well, other experiments will probably want to be adjusted next time. Everything counts.

This isn’t a map or a formula or a recipe, take it more as a snapshot, a postcard or a series of clues. This is how process looked for me, today, one possible example of interacting with life as it is happening.

We reach for what works in a moment, and, with any luck and a lot of practice, we are able notice what types of techniques we like, how they work for us, and what we might want to try next time.

Love.

So let’s breathe love for process, and let’s breathe, in general, because that is where I started.

The step before all other steps: remembering to breathe

Once I notice that I am in a loop of monster-ing, I interrupt it with breath.

Oh, right. I am in a body, my body is where I live, breath is what brings me home, no matter how choppy the waters of my thoughts, I can soften into breath and noticing.

Hello, life force. Hello, fluctuation. I am here.

Even though this train of monster-thoughts that I just noticed sounds very believable, it is a story, it is one possible story, not necessarily true. Breath will return me to steadiness, and from steadiness I will find something more true.

Let’s trust the breathing, trust and breathe. We’ve got this.

Step: acknowledgement & legitimacy!

This is the door that always returns me to self-fluency, acknowledgment & legitimacy.

Sometimes it is too hard to offer this to myself, so I have to channel wisest me or imagine what I would say to a friend going through something hard.

Wise Me: Oh wow, Unexpected Bad News is really very distressing, especially when it changes all your plans, one hundred percent understandable that you got thrown by this. Let’s breathe some compassion for all this distress. Crying in a supermarket seems not only like a normal human reaction to a genuinely upsetting situation, but probably the best possible option available. Good reaction, nervous system! Good job, tear ducts! You guys are doing your job of releasing.

Me: Are you sure?

Wise Me: Babe, you are doing amazing. Look at all the strenuous, challenging circumstances in your life. You are already dealing with agonizing heartbreak, which honestly would be reason enough to fall apart on the regular, even without being between homes, as a wanderer whose car broke down mid-road-trip, and dealing with the work-related mysteries and the physical-therapy mysteries plus the unanticipated expenses of both, not to mention the ongoing ptsd of this presidency. It is honestly a miracle that we’re not all crying in public all day every day. Any one of these things would be devastating on its own, any one of these things could set off the monster narratives, and you are dealing with all of this at once, and it is so much, do you even realize how much you are dealing with here.

Me: Thank you.

Wise Me: Experiencing distress in reaction to distressing circumstances is legitimate and understandable. These feelings are valid, even when the monsters say that our reaction is overblown (which is hilarious given that they’re the ones trying to convince us everything is awful, they need to chill). We are allowed to be having this intense reaction to life!

Step: Small external shifts. Or: what needs to change in my environment?

Ah, of course, ear plugs.

Noticing that I am in a very loud place, which is probably not helping. Acknowledgment and legitimacy for the challenges of being a highly sensitive person in a world of overwhelming sensory chaos.

Do I want to practice Change My Place, Change My Luck?

What else is needed?

Let’s apply [RGW] because Replenishing Glass of Water always helps.

How am I feeling in my body? What would help me feel better? Feet on the ground. Shoulders can relax, let’s keep ribs anchored down. More breathing.

Step: internal shifts.

There are endless ways to do this but I like to use sixteen breaths cycling around the points of my compass, a breath towards each direction-point, clockwise and counter-clockwise.

North: Fierce. Northeast: Fearless. East: Powerful. Southeast: Striking. South: Of the earth. Southwest: Wild. West: Glowing. Northwest: Alive.

I am fierce, I am fearless, I am powerful, I am striking, I am of the earth. I am wild, I am glowing and alive. I am alive and glowing, wild and of the earth, strikingly powerful, fearless and fierce.

Yes. This feels better.

Step: Noticing and naming the monsters, giving them keys to the Safe House.

I see you. Hello to You Are A Terrible Adult and You Have Fucked Up Everything Again and Nothing Ever Works.

I appreciate how you have my best interest at heart and how deeply you want to keep me safe, and at the same time, there is no way I can take steps to deal with this [crisis-with-a-lowercase-c] while also dealing with all this blame-and-shame.

Can we establish a safe house for y’all to playdate while I take some steps? Can you observe from afar, and maybe pass notes to a Negotiator?

Step: Perspective and sparklepoints.

Hey I might be crying in public but this time it was because of my broken car and not because of my broken heart, this is a huge improvement.
Hey I am taking steps.
Hey I am paying attention.
Hey I am remembering to breathe.
Hey I am amazing for doing this all on my own in these scary times.

A hundred billion sparklepoints to me for being in this difficult moment and taking steps, whatever they are, I am trying things and they all count.

Plus extra bonus sparklepoints for being able to do anything since that awful day last november when the election results were in [ptsd of 45] began, really how do we even concentrate on work or car trouble or anything, how do we ever manage to not cry in public, we are doing amazing, really we are, all of us, even when it doesn’t seem like it at all, let’s breathe perspective.

Even more perspective!

There will be treasure in this mystery, there always is, and I can skip a stone on that later if I want to, maybe that will be one of the steps in my process.

Step: Name the mission, what do we know about it?

Ugh I have to find out if my car insurance will cover [terrifying monster-number unexpected cost], and I want to find a better name for this mission because nothing about this sounds fun.

Right now this mission is an iguana, but it doesn’t have to be.

We also have some phobia stuff around this especially when it comes to contacting institutions, so how can we make this better? Let’s investigate!

Elements and superpowers of the mission:

Congruence, Peacefulness, A Return To Harmony, Turning Things Around, Elemental, Being The Loving Observer, Dropping In, Attentiveness, Treating My Objects With Love, Treasuring My Life, Ask For Help, Where Is My Partner In This aka how can I be the best possible partner to myself right now

Yes, this is good intel. Let’s call this Operation Harmonize.

Step: FRACTAL FLOWERS

I feel better when I remember that everything is connected, and I call this fractal flowers .

My monsters believe that spending my day dealing with insurance (and processing all this process) is an enormous waste of time, taking me away from my other important missions. But if I pause and breathe, I can remember that anything I do in service of this project is initiating secret underground progress on all the other projects.

Whatever intentions I set for this mission, the clues revealed and the insights that land, the treasure I uncover, everything I learn about myself, all of this supports my other projects and brings them closer to fruition, even if I didn’t take any active visible steps on them today.

Tending to one piece of my garden nourishes my entire environment. It all counts.

I invoke the fractal flowers to remember that Nothing Is Wasted, this unexpected detour is not taking me away from anything important, it is another door that can bring me closer to myself if I let it.

All my adventures are intertwined, all the mysteries are connected, today I am focused on this one, but whatever I do today is supportive of all the projects my monsters say I am neglecting. They are wrong. The superpowers of intention and fractal are more powerful than their judgment.

Step: CWUs!

CWU stands for Complete Willingness Unit, it’s something I borrowed from the amazing Barbara Sher, except I change the acronym all the time, today it is Code Word Universal!

The CWU is just the smallest, least stressful step that you can think of that you will actually take.

My CWUs for Operation Harmonize included 1) look up contact info for insurance, 2) find numbers I need to give them, 3) the briefest script of what I want to ask.

If my CWUs are still too scary (legitimate and understandable!), I can rename them or use the metaphor trick or make them even smaller.

An imaginary helper works too, Barrington absolutely loves to look up contact information for me.

Step: Alignment!

I have written about this technique quite a bit, it is a favorite and it always works and I have no idea why.

You come up with six or so things you imagine you have in common with the person you will be interacting with, even if you know nothing about them, just based on their job and what it is like to be a human in the world.

This practice helps me approach from the mindset of We Are Equals, instead of going into Must Rebel Against Perceived Authority mode aka my default state. Alignment helps me keep my crown on.

Like this:

  1. this person and I both want easy solutions!
  2. we both want a harmonious interaction
  3. we both want to resolve this with the least amount of stress possible
  4. we are both present and engaged, having this conversation is our job today
  5. this person’s job is service, which is a quality of spirit, I can also attune to Service, the practice of being in-and-of service, what if this interaction can be transformative, a fractal flower in the field where good is seeded
  6. we both want our work to have Meaning (haha, we are in the month of meaning, this keeps coming up)

Step: Invocation/wish-scripting.

Or, what will help me feel best while I do a scary thing? How do I envision this?

I keep my feet on the ground, I feel the ground, I remember to breathe, I remember to smile. I connect with a playful person whose approach puts me at ease and we are able to enjoy this unique human interaction. We are both aligned with the higher mission, our channels of communication are clear, I remember that I am safe. Nothing Is Wrong. I have all the help and support I need.

And now we check in and notice.

That was my afternoon today, a passage from crying in public to doing something regarding the not-good news, and now we check in and notice.

What worked?

Alignment is so good. The support person I contacted, Alyssa, was warm and kind, my dread was unwarranted. I remembered to breathe and smile.

Even better, I was able to notice when I was placing my feet not-on-the-ground and make postural adjustments, a thousand sparklepoints to me for maintaining body awareness inside of a stressful moment.

Yes, monsters are not happy that it took so many steps (“why can’t you just be someone who takes care of life shit as it happens without being paralyzed by fear and pain?”) but guess what, the steps took us to where we needed to be, and got things moving.

Most importantly, I did a thing that scared me and I did not cry while doing it, and that is a Big Deal, so let’s celebrate what is.

What do I want to try next time?

Hmmm. Noticing many more monsters about how long it took and monster-judgment that I have done everything wrong, and I still don’t have good news and won’t know until tomorrow, and won’t have a vehicle for five more days.

Mainly though I am working on noticing monster-narratives sooner, and calling in an Incoming Me who is really committed to harmony and congruence, and takes action on things that aren’t working.

Anything else?

I’d also like to do more exploring into this story about “derailed”, the idea that my day can be derailed or a project can be derailed, when what I actually believe is that everything that happens while working on a project is in fact part of that project, even if it seems to be a distraction, even if it is a wild rabbit hole.

So yes, the monster story says today took me away from my Real Project, but what if everything I experienced, learned, practiced and processed today is actually actively supporting both the work of my real project and my relationship to that project?

Can I remember that my actual Real Project is taking exquisite care of myself, learning more about who I am in the world and what I need to function and thrive, pursuing pleasure and freedom and the aliveness of life? In that sense, of course everything I played with today is in service of the Real Project.

Also, when is derailed a good thing? Maybe my day did get derailed, but also I derailed the monster-train of Everything Is Wrong, so maybe sometimes derailing is good/useful/treasure. When is it useful to derail? What do I know about this?

This is process.

Not linear, sometimes messy. Curious and compassionate. Intentional and also unpredictable. There is so much more I want to say about this, and will save those words for another day, for now just love.

Invitation (come play with me / how we play here)

You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here

You are welcome share anything sparked for you while reading, maybe you have new ideas about steps and process, techniques and approach you want to play with for your own projects and secret ops.

We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to look anything like yours, and this is a good thing.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation.

Further Resources in the shop!

Go deeper into self-fluency with the monster manual, or get me to write even more by joining our secret op!