What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

chicken is swingin’ in the rain

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

It is a Sunday chicken because I moved this weekend and didn’t have access to internet, and also because all timing is right timing. Hi. It always feels so good to get here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 405th week in a row we are chickening here together!

Or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What worked this week?

Acknowledgement and legitimacy. Hard things are allowed to be hard! Even if I am 99% sure they’re for the best, and even if they’re secretly what I want. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I am allowed to cry over really, really good things too.

Permission to be having a rough time about the fact that I’m having a rough time when I’m having a rough time. Permission to be.

Next time I might…

I want to remember that when Now is reminding me intensely of Then, it’s not because now is actually the same is then. Nope. Now Is Not Then.

But I can imagine that this achingly familiar feeling means I’m getting an opportunity for a do-over.

So I might get lost in ptsd flashbacks, sure, but I can still commit to doing one thing differently. Any tiny little thing. It counts.

And anything at all that I do differently (including just noticing how much now is reminding me of then while whispering to myself that now is not then) — this is changing the video game.

No matter how I do this do-over, I’m doing it differently just through noticing.

Naming the days.

I’ve been naming everything lately, it’s astonishing what a difference a name makes. I name each day the night before, and read them together at the week’s end, an incantation of sweet clues

This week was the week of Crown On and Do Less, and here were the days:

New stories. Smiles for days. Rolling with it. Step one. Laser beams. Rooted in sweetness. Regrounded.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Dramatic grey-blue eyeliner will probably make everything better. The Havi Brooks story.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. Sitting on a swing in the park in the pouring rain and feeling intensely lonely. A breath for this moment.
  2. Didn’t go dancing this week. Didn’t practice dance. Didn’t even want to think about dance. It’s like I feel so intensely passionately about it that I can’t go near it. A breath.
  3. I said goodbye to my home of the past 7.5 years. It was right. It was hard. A breath for doors.
  4. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being secretly filmed for a documentary about street harassment and the different forms it takes. This week ran the gamut from someone screaming at me about how they want me to die (they literally spelled it out: D-I-E! You dumb bitch, you need to DIE!”) to a polite creep in the park (“excuse me miss, you have a great ass”). I want out. A breath for safety.
  5. Things take as long as they take, and that is how it is. Worrying about logistics is a hilarious waste of time and energy, and that is how it is. Remembering these two very true things is sometimes easier for me these days, but sometimes I forget. A breath.
  6. An intense experience of Now Reminding Me Of Then, in a perfect storm of events that replicated an experience from thirteen years ago, including being “between homes”, a friend getting mad at me for [same bizarre unexpected thing as then], slicing my foot open when it got caught in a grate on the sidewalk as someone stepped in my path and I side-stepped, just like then, dropping my phone and breaking it just like then, and I don’t know what happened exactly because of course none of the actually bad things from then are happening now, but it was enough déjà vu, too many too-familiar things in a row, I was already back in the head space of then. So suddenly there I was in the too-hot sun: dehydrated and lost, sobbing and hyperventilating, in so much pain, and it felt exactly like then, except obviously then was so much worse, and I knew it wasn’t then, but there was a me who thought it was. A breath for past-me who went through hell to make sure we’d never go through that again, and we are safe now, but oh wow the memories.
  7. Time to let go of stories that are not true. This is big work. A breath for courage.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. Sitting on a swing in the park in the pouring rain, barefoot and alive. Yes, I don’t have anyone to play with, but I have all my wild selves, and Incoming me, and all the past versions of me to love and care for, and I am free, and this is beautiful. A breath for freedom.
  2. Freedom and Passages were the theme of the week, with passover and moving out and full moon and earth day and paying off an old debt. A breath for doors.
  3. I am rewriting the stories. I am trusting each moment of being Redirected. My monsters are trying so hard to play their favorite game aka “You Are Failing At Life”, and for the first time ever, it is just one hundred percent not working, and I am having entire days when I am able to believe that all is good and trust in right timing, and be Marvelously Blasé about everything, and it is amazing. A thing happened that happens every few years and brings about intense shame and agony, and this time I was just like, “okay, this happened and I can take care of myself, nothing is wrong”, and that is exactly what happened. A breath of thankfulness.
  4. Intense sweetness from far away. I am trusting love. A breath in my heart.
  5. Many beautiful things happened this week. I am sleeping again. A lost friend came back and we sat on the porch swing and solved everything through writing haiku. There was bourbon. There were imaginary laser beams from the tips of my toes. I mostly felt good about life this week. A breath of joy and gratitude.
  6. A series of middle-of-the-night epiphanies, clear instructions from wise incoming-me, beautiful realizations, useful intel. A breath of appreciation.
  7. I am on an exciting adventure, and, more importantly, I am able to experience it as an exciting adventure rather than a repeat of the worst time in my life. A breath of thankfulness.
  8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of insight, far-away friends who love me, close-by friends who offer help when I need it most, a really good plumber (not a metaphor, not a proxy), and things that are not exactly chocolate but enough like chocolate to make everything better. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Current ops and forward movement!

In progress: the Studio Op, The Fountaining, Wild Wild Nest, Operation Jubilation. Wild Montage and The Wild Convening are percolating. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I hereby bestow vast quantities of sparklepoints upon myself like a fairground stripper!

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Equanimity, Motivation Returns, and some seriously Coen Brothers levels of exuberant, zany deus ex machina solutions to everything that needs solving. And actually I had some of all of that.

Powers I want.

The powers of boldly striding through the Door of X (yes, X is for mystery and also for kisses) with self-assurance and panache, ready for the wild adventure.

The Salve of Extra Panache.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

This salve is made up of equal parts courage, confidence and style. It touches your skin and you forget to judge yourself. You forget how to judge yourself. You forget why that was ever a thing you did. You just do whatever it is you most feel like doing in this moment, maybe with reckless abandon, maybe with an easy smile. There it is, you now have extra panache!

Side effects include not thinking that other people’s Stuff has anything to do with you, glowing love and compassion for yourself and everyone you meet, remembering that you and each person you encounter are sovereign equals, grinning at yourself in the mirror

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

just-one-guy

This week’s band:

Urgent Nap

Their latest album is Desire In The Flood Times, and this band is just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

crown on / do less

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 355th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

sparks

I found myself lurching awake at 3am
with one of those world-shattering, blindingly brilliant epiphanies
the kind you know is the answer
you weren’t even seeking
to [life, the universe and everything]
though you also suspect as you frantically scribble it down
this achingly important message might not make sense later
and even if it does, well, safe to bet
you won’t be sufficiently impressed

reverberation

it’s the meaning of the words, the full-body reverberation of them
not the words themselves
but 3am-me knew that nothing could ever be more true
or more vital than these two words taken together:

DO LESS

there is no other answer
because that’s the answer
but can you sustain the charge of that moment of knowing

crown on and do less

my theme over the past week has been CROWN ON
a la Wayne and Garth: “Game On!”

the work of CROWN ON is equal parts useful and challenging
and once I started playing with this
I was immediately rewarded (ha) with
every possible opportunity to practice
because that’s how these things go

a small example

last week while doing some congruencing here
I came across an old FAQ page from maybe seven years ago
past-me had written the longest answer
to the people who ask us to remove or edit comments they’ve left here
about why we don’t do that
the explanation was warm and compassionate, written with so much love
and yet I unhesitatingly deleted the whole thing
because I remembered something that past-me didn’t trust yet
that the best answer to everything is pause-and-breathe,
trust people enough to let them resolve their stuff on their own,
and anyway, not everything requires a response

reminders

I love these reminders showing up everywhere in my life right now
helping me see something I did not realize before:
crown-on and do-less like to play together!
in fact they’re probably
skipping through the park right now
holding hands and laughing
pausing to admire the rainbow that visits the fountain

What do I know about Do Less?

it doesn’t come naturally (to me)
my mind requires steady practice to choose towards less
or even to remember that doing less is an option
it is amazing how many problems and challenges don’t need solving
if you just wait 48 hours

about 70% of our incoming emails are questions that
don’t need to be answered
I learned this years ago on a teaching trip to Berlin
the time difference solved all challenges each night
giving people time to answer their own questions while I slept
by the time I got around to them, there was nothing left to do

what if there is nothing that needs to be done
what if this is true in more situations than I think

I mean, very rarely is it necessary to take action
and the less I try to solve/fix/respond/smooth-things-over
the more powerful it is when I do take a stand in a moment that demands it

this is in part the answer to last week’s wish
see? I wished my wish, did nothing, and here’s the solution

the superpowers of less

do less is a marvelous way to practice sovereignty (crown on!)
because it combines the superpowers of

Love-More Trust-More (and trust love more!)
What If We Just Let This Situation Gracefully Resolve Itself
I Remember To Pause And Breathe
There Are So Many Ways This Could Work Out Without My Input
Look At Me Caring For The Beautiful Boundaries Of My Internal Kingdom

doing as much less as possible
is a wonderful way to challenge the rigging of the rigged game
but the rigging is also why
the practice of do less is so fraught

(let’s talk about rigging)

a commitment to live by Do Less
or even to explore living by Do Less
— even just whispering about this wish —
is vulnerable, intense,
and slightly-to-very terrifying
not only because it sets off the internal monster brigades
but especially when we remember that the rigged game rewards
a culture of do more
the rigged game is the inculcated mindset of
you are never doing enough

(because you are not enough)
(that’s what you’re supposed to think)

busy

believing you are not enough, that’s what ensures you’ll be
too busy to rebel
too busy working your ass off
trying to achieve the unachievable
without even questioning whether or not it is your whispered heart-yes
to begin with

or you’ll give up on yourself,
thinking you’re failing at life
because the mechanisms of the rigged game
are so well disguised
we can’t even see that “winning” wasn’t an option to begin with

and here’s a fun paradox!
in order to illuminate the illusion we have to shine our own light
to shine with clarity and intention requires spaciousness and quiet
to claim more spaciousness and quiet for ourselves, we need to do less
no wonder culture wants to keep us busy and uncomfortable in our skin

horizon

it serves the rigged game
that we are constantly striving and never pausing to examine why
it serves the rigged game when we push and when we
chastise ourselves for
not pushing more or “enough”
and of course often there are real life consequences
to not demonstrating that we too are push-push-pushing like everyone else
still, it’s amazing, really, if you stop long enough to think about it
look at us chasing what we think are goals ahead of us
when it’s only horizon
horizon doing what horizon does best
hinting at a possibility of arriving
a gorgeous illusion

the rigged game depends on us believing that we can get there
if we just push more and harder
and we want to believe that if only we weren’t dealing with
[Situation X] or [Illness/Impairment Y] or [Interpersonal Relationship Z]
then sure we could just make it all happen
inbox zero and
spotless apartment and
a body that is more [this] and less [that]
on and on

trapped in comparison

as if there is some imaginary happier perfect version of us
living in some ludicrous impossible pinterest-instagram scenario
the kind where people with suspiciously great hair
lounge on suspiciously white sofas
mysteriously never spilling wine
on their perfectly tailored white garments
you guys, it’s a trap

what do I know

(1) there is always a Situation X at hand, that’s how life works

(2) all these things we are brainwashed to think are
both desirable and attainable
(if only we just keep pushing)
aren’t even necessarily things we want or need
even if they were achievable which, I mean, who knows,
but the game keeps us too busy to check in and find out

(3) as Orna says, everything that is against me is illusion
in yoga we call this maya, the thing that keeps us from seeing truth

(3.5) illusion is very compelling

(4) to release distortions and the untrue stories I habitually tell myself until they become the filters for all experience, I need to get quiet, turn inward, come home to breath and heartbeat and source-love

(5) so we’re back to less doing, more being
less striving, more allowing
less judgment, more curiosity

let’s eat pie

last night my friend the arborist texted me:
“today was a good day, as always, trusting, waiting,
wanting everything and expecting nothing, I could eat a pie”

this is what I want:

Wanting Everything While Expecting Nothing
Wanting Everything And Doing (Glorious Brave Intentional) Nothing
There Is Nothing To Solve
Nothing More Needs To Be Done
Trust And Wait and Do Nothing And Eat Pie

this is the spirit of crown on and do less
the spirit of love more trust more
yes, this is what I want

may it be so!

now

wishing wishes about Do Less, and yet/also:
I have three days to finish vacating my house
and deal with approximately seventy million related and unrelated tasks
so I need to find the peacefulness inside that conundrum
or the not-a-conundrum inside the conundrum
ah yes, everything that is against me is an illusion,
so it follows that there is no conundrum
it is up to me to bring the spirit of Do Less and Crown On into a busy day
not to postpone the wish until I’m “less busy”
(because believing that will happen is the rigged game too)
(and believing that I will be happier when that happens is also rigging)

I have this sweet moment now
to breathe in life and appreciate life
to stroke the beautiful wood grain of this table, let my jaw soften,
welcome myself in this moment
and this is how a moment changes
I do less inside of it
and give myself more

the superpower of beautifully supported

months-April-VPA-2016
ah here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and oh how I need this superpower of
Beautifully Supported
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called do-overs forever

and in a way today’s wish solves the question that troubled me last week, I can do less (wait and trust) and take steps (crown on), and there is no contradiction, because the contradiction was part of the illusion

so here’s to doing wonderful less, and to doing less, wonderfully
all the while full of wonder

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes