What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

chicken of my witchy grace

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

Wow what a week, what a time to be breathing, let’s breathe.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 414th week in a row we are chickening here together!

Or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What’s been working?

Surprisingly (though really, I think I have been surprised by this enough times in my life to not be surprised by it anymore?), falling apart worked wonders.

Or maybe that should be permission to fall apart.

I fell apart, and then I felt a thousand times better. And then I wrote a letter of resignation, except I didn’t have anyone to give it to, because I’m self-employed.

And this led to a beautiful moment of deep realization that I have not been in a sovereign work relationship with myself — neither as employer nor employee.

As an employer, I need to pay myself what I would pay someone else as amazing as me, especially someone who has been working her ass off for the business for the past eleven years. Or really, I need to at least pay what I would pay anyone for the hours I put in at work. I also need to recognize that the work day does in fact end at some point, and not just when everyone is too worn out to do anymore.

And as an employee, I need to advocate for myself and my needs, and not just do what I believe is expected of me (by me).

Anyway, that might all still be a little incoherent, but something very big shifted, in me and in my relationship with the business, and this all came from spending an afternoon crying on the floor, so yes, that worked for me.

10/10 would sob on floor again

I might try…

Taking more time to enter and exit. Luxuriating in entry and exit.

Naming the days.

I name each day the night before and I love how names change things and also how they become incantations.

This week was the week of doors into harmony and these were the days.

Coming home. In my witchy grace. Ease of releasing. Door to harmony. Solved by the bell. Crown on. New reverberation.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Everything works out if I just wait and let it.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. This week involved a surprise 3am party in the house where I am staying, not once but twice. And by “surprise” I mean I was fast asleep and then suddenly hey a dozen very loud drunk people in the house, right outside my bedroom door, blaring music and yelling. Because my new summer housemate did not mention that he likes to spontaneously invite everyone at the bar to come home with him? And I wouldn’t have guessed that because he’s normally a very sensitive, considerate person. Anyway, the first time I joined the party and the second time I did not, and neither of those were good for me, and then I was tired and cranky and it was hard for me to do my work. A breath for this.
  2. Related to the above and also to other things, I had to do a lot of establishing clean clear expectations this week, with grace and love. Because the world needs adults who can do this, it’s important. Not necessarily always fun, but important. But pretty much everyone I know hates any hint of conflict or confrontation, so all my friends were telling me to just exit and not talk about it, and I was like, NO WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS. A breath for clarity, and for the life work of dismantling patterns, and doing it with love.
  3. I really want to be mad at someone about a situation but there is literally no one else involved in it, and all signs point to me. A breath for self-forgiveness and for waiting to see how this plays out, because I bet this is useful.
  4. The coast is a good place for me to be right now but it is not my place. A breath for the clarity of knowing this.
  5. [Silent retreat]. A breath for self-advocacy and learning to take care of myself in new ways.
  6. Missing. A breath for comfort.
  7. I have a conundrum that needs a solution, but in order to follow the thing I think will deliver the solution, I need time and funds for that particular voyage. It’s a mystery, may all the right clues reveal themselves. A breath for trust.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. What a delightful week. Today is my eighth day of being out of Portland and I am so happy to be here by the water. A breath of joy.
  2. I remembered about tools! I am a writer and I need my tools! If I were a farmer, my primary tool might be my tractor. But I am a writer and my primary tool is my clarity, my peace of mind. And as a farmer, I would not agree to someone borrowing my tractor for three days, so why do I agree to people and situations “borrowing’ my clarity and peacefulness? I realized I need to stop doing this, and that made everything better. A breath for this new understanding.
  3. A lovely routine has developed here, and I feel completely at home, which I did not expect at all. I found a gorgeous ballroom where I can practice dance for two hours a day. A highschool friend of my housemate’s little sister has a food cart that closes exactly when I finish dance practice, and we have a little agreement where he has delicious tacos waiting for me when I am done with dance. The morning cafe knows what I like, and my fellow morning writers nod when I come in. Everything is easy and quiet and it works for me right now. A breath for getting what I need when I need it.
  4. I said what I needed to say, in a few different situations. I said it with love and it was received with love, and everything was fine. A breath of quiet trust.
  5. Muse is ON. I am writing up a storm, with three different YEARbook ebooks in progress, and just inspired. A breath of gratitude.
  6. I am channeling Adrianna’s superpowers so hard. Enjoying delicious food with delicious slowness. Taking as long as I need to get ready. Luxuriating in luxuriating. Talking to bridges. Listening more. Resting. Taking my time. A breath for receptivity.
  7. Self-treasuring, ritual, slowness, attentiveness. These are becoming the rule and not the exception to the rule, and I think this is related to getting out of the city, though right this is also too much city for me, and soon I will need more quiet than this. Which is hilarious but there it is. A breath for this new way.
  8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of delicious food made with great love, friendly people, warm smiles, time and space to myself, past-me booked a healing massage for me on the exact day I needed some big releasing, things are working themselves out without my input. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Actively Choosing Peace and Quiet, pre-emptively advocating for myself in all things, and deep healing through lusciousness. Yet again, asking is an astonishing practice, because I didn’t expect to get these, but now I see they were with me all week.

Powers I want.

More of the same please and also the powers of My Own Best Ally, I Have Everything I Need In The Moment I Need It, All The Right Doors Open For Me, and of course the superpower of the month of Harmony: I hear the melody.

The Salve of Everything You Need In The Moment You Need It.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

In many ways, this is a salve of awareness. It soaks into your skin and you begin to notice all the ways you already are cared for, that what you need is available to you.

And as you begin to notice all the ways that you do have what you need, you also noticed all the things you can do to take better care of yourself. You become your own strongest advocate, and you feel fierce love towards yourself.

Side effects include heart opening, doors opening, wonderful serendipity, deep appreciation for small details

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

just-one-guy

This week’s band is:

Escaping The Power Lines

Their latest album is Close Close Close Close Closer, and this band is just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

Announcement time….

More to come soon, but I left the monster manual in the place that used to be the the shop. So if you missed the closing of the shop, there is still something beautiful for you!

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

door to harmony

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 364th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

it’s closing time

I found this on a morning note by my bed
scribbled by half-asleep me in the dark hours as a clue

it’s closing time

and yet nothing is closing
(so what does this mean?)

the rally of

this week I am having a solo rally
and it is the rally of Astonishingly Simple Solutions
solutions that are so simple they make me gasp
this is also the rally of Italian All The Way
as well as Solved By Being A Panther
and here is my first clue
it’s closing time

a door to harmony (and hilarity)

each day I name the day, sometimes in the morning and
sometime the night before
and today I woke up and wrote DOOR TO HARMONY
because that is what present-moment me desires most in the world
and then about ten minutes later it hit me why this is the funniest

I had to put everything on pause and just laugh for a while
more on this later, as the arborist likes to say

falling apart

yesterday I arrived at my paid-for-in-advance two hours of
solo dance practice aka slow motion montage aka panther training
at a beautiful ballroom that is not my ballroom
excited about practice time, and yet as soon as I got there
all I wanted to do was throw a giant temper tantrum on the floor
in the middle of the room
and yell
just yell and yell and yell
at first I didn’t even know what I wanted to yell but then I did
I wanted to yell you know what fuck this and fuck dance and fuck everything
because guess what I quit
I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT

okay let’s just pause and notice, monsters of monsterdom, this is completely normal for rally, a classic day two moment, nothing is wrong and falling apart is useful, and as we like to say at retreat, but only immediately after we fall apart, hey it’s not a retreat until we fall apart, right? right!

yes I quit!

no more portland and no more cities and
no more half-yeses or partial-yeses and
no more dance training
(okay I still want dance but not like this, some new way!)
because I quit
and also I want to quit my job
and write a letter of resignation
(okay I still want to be a bell and a beacon of self-fluency
and to do this through many
beautiful forms of not-teaching,
and yes it is still my yes to doing this through writing,
just not in the way it works right now, some new way!)

closeness

I texted the faraway cowboy and told him
all I wanted was to fall apart on the floor and cry about
how I am done done done done done really done with everything
he said, you know you can do that if you need to
he said, kissing you and holding you close

and I crawled over to the center of the room
where I lay on my back and sobbed for ninety minutes
the kind of loud messy crying that needs big space to contain it
for example, let’s say a giant empty ballroom that is
full of big wild unconditional love for you
ah what tremendous good fortune that I had rented the space
thinking it was for dance

and then for the last thirty minutes of my studio time
I walked up and down the long room
breathing in the light
sometimes doing tight chene turns and
sometimes walking slowly and deliberately like a panther
drawing power from the earth
and sometimes just walking and breathing
inside the sanctuary of dance

dance is my sanctuary and a ballroom is a sanctuary for dance, and I miss my ballroom that I didn’t want and also I don’t miss it and so many things in my life are like this

acknowledgement and legitimacy (because that’s what we do)

that was some good crying, I told the faraway cowboy
like when you hold me while I cry
the ballroom held me and I miss my ballroom
he said, glad it helped sweet girl
he said, yes, that was a magical space and so was the playground
you can figure this out, you’ve all the right resources, your writing is important and has a big impact on thousands of lives, you’ll make this work in a way that is good for you

I miss magical spaces
I miss drawing out the magic in spaces

okay are you ready for the funny part

in two days we cross into July and guess what July is on
the fluent self calendar
(it’s Harmony)
and this is the year of doors so July is not only the
quality of harmony but the door of harmony
which is also the door to harmony

past me made a door for what I need
she even gave me an image of it
and here I am asking for a door to harmony
having completely forgotten that one is waiting for me
it’s literally on the calendar

actually this part is even funnier

even though harmony is the quality I crave most right now
I have spent this entire year convinced that
July was the weak link in the calendar
I was pretty sure harmony didn’t really need to play a vital role in my year
and maybe I’d have to
rename this one or reinterpret it when we got to July
because meh, harmony, who cares

what a beautiful moment
again, what tremendous unanticipated good fortune
which, haha, actually was completely anticipated by past me who
channeled truth and wisdom like a boss
nicely done

harmony, come in and do your healing magic
harmony, invite me in to your secret places
be my door
and I will be yours

somehow this weekend I ended up at a terrible party

okay I mean it’s not actually all that mysterious
because I know exactly how
it happened through saying yes to things that were not especially yes
definitely not 120% yes or even close
at most 52% yes
except I have not yet learned to read this number:
it’s a failing grade, not a reluctant nod to a ruling majority

a cascading of no moments brought on by the first
half-hearted maybe yes
each moments of [not a no but not a yes] leading to a new one
until I was at full no
you could also call this unsovereign choices
something understandable and forgivable
we live in a rigged game culture where we are trained from
the youngest age to override instinct,
to placate and people-please and above all else do what we’re told
aka what external authorities indicate is best
so no wonder we don’t learn to trust (or even listen for)
our own true yes

may I remember that anything less than full yes is
a clear and obvious no glowing a path for me

path of least

anyway I went to a show I didn’t particularly want to go to
where the music was too loud (for me) with
too many people (for me), where I
consumed a drink I didn’t particularly like
and danced to a song I didn’t particularly want to dance to
agreed to let someone give input I didn’t want
until it was all too much and I had to exit
which was misinterpreted by friend as Storming Out
and then when we sorted things and all I wanted was bed
I reluctantly let this friend talk me into going to the afterparty
because it was clear that this was the easiest (and possibly only)
way to convey that I wasn’t upset
and blah blah path of least resistance

but it isn’t actually the path of least resistance
if it’s also the path of least joy, pleasure, comfort and
doesn’t support my sense of at-home-in-my-life

wanted: a more harmonious path

so the afterparty was somehow even worse than the party
like, I am pretty sure this was the worst party in the history of the known universe
and I have been to some agonizingly terrible parties in my day
(and okay, as a highly sensitive person I do not really understand parties
but this one took the cake)

I think the answer to why did I not immediately run away
is that I was actually kind of in a state of shock
both physical and existential
from the sensory overwhelm and just how bizarre it was
like, how did I — eccentric reclusive writer! glamorous cosmopolitan!
end up the lone adult in a decrepit indoor skate park at 2am
in a tiny town on a summer night
where a bunch of drunk kids were jamming (“jamming”) on a low stage
a brawling free-for-all of incoherent clashing sound waves
a cacophony of disharmonies

I described the scene to Agent Spalding
once I was semi-recovered
and he said yes that sounds intensely bad, aggressively bad
mmm I think I am just now realizing the echoing effects it is having on me
and my internal space
how much rattling occurred

what is needed

a door to harmony
ease of releasing and ease of transition
soft waves that crest gently, not the angry jagged up-and-down
I am talking about music and I am talking about
breath and light

how does one access a door to harmony
I think you just ask for it and then wander your way into it
wander by way of wonder
(June is the month of wonder)

wonder –> harmony

wonder comes from Awe
and awe comes from Sanctuary
and sanctuary comes from Presence
and presence comes from pausing

{I am here :: holy holiness}

sanctuary is the safe space to be receptive
to access a state of wonder from which things can begin to harmonize
at least that’s the working theory

wander and wonder

this is basically my life plan right now anyway
and here I am at the end of the line where the powerful columbia river
becomes the pacific ocean
speaking of harmony and wonder and doors

words from the bridge

I visited the bridge this morning and it spoke to me (this is a thing)
the bridge said, very clearly:

to be in your shininess, you require beauty and quiet
which means you need to become the ADVOCATE of these things
no one else is in charge of making sure you get these
and they are important so you must insist on them
this is what Adrianna knows how to do and what you need to learn
go be in harmony
go hand in your letter of resignation
and let yourself be re-signed (and reassigned) to harmony
let harmony BECOME your new job

here it is: my letter of resignation

and it really is resignation
that is in fact the exact correct perfect-fit word!
resignation is in fact how you feel in the moment it becomes apparent
that writing a letter of resignation is the only remaining option:
I am resigned to the reality of this situation that is not working
and to the fact that there isn’t a way to change the not-working-ness of it
I am resigned to resignation
such a funny word — it sounds like a sigh and looks like a re-signing
(look, here it is again, the exit sign, the sign that it’s time to leave)
(how did I miss it before?)
and true, I didn’t want to feel this feeling but now I get it
resignation can actually be quite lovely, the bridge was right:
a resigning and re-assigning
in the sense that everything needs to reconfigure now
or in other words, wait for it… to become more harmonious

I don’t actually want to resign

in the sense that I don’t want to leave
so what do I want
hmmm I want a raise and a new job title and a vehicle and
for the groundedness of these things to contribute to a
a sense of harmoniousness
this is a proxy but also not entirely a proxy

what do I want

a door into harmony / releasing everything that is disharmonious
letting this happen with astonishing simplicity

what do I know about my wish?

I want everything I do to be
for pleasure and joy instead of for comfort, validation, other pellet rewards
I want to follow the spark trail
to unveil or stumble upon
the next elegant easy graceful solutions
to live from within the compass of Do Less and Choose Ease
to feed myself with love
closing any doors that need closing
each closing and each opening deliberate and clear
moving from wonder into harmony
in a state of whole-hearted yes

may it be so!

now

each day two baby deer come visit my window
or they casually traipse past me on the sidewalk
when I am on my way to the pub
sometimes with their mom behind them
I would like some of this cool and collected presence
maybe that’s what harmonious looks like

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

months-June-VPA-2016

June is WONDER with the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed, and it turns out the next indicated step is Harmony, which also happens to be the month we are about to enter, how perfect is that

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called more breath more light

and I received this in many unexpected forms, including an invitation to come live at the coast for the summer, the place where I breathe more light

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes