What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity


Wish 289: the treasure in disliking things

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…


Right now my ears are ringing, which is not fun.

And I am practicing being a bell and reverberating, which is lovely.

I am ringing in these two different ways — and that has two meanings too!

The thing I am not doing while ringing is writing the weekly wishes for the blog.

Sometimes wish-writing is smoother, and sometimes choppier, and sometimes there is serious resistance. But it’s been a while since the last time I had so much aversion to sitting down and finding out what I want.

So instead of formulating a wish, I’m just going to look at elements, see what’s there.

Where is the ease. What will help me choose ease.

I am letting a lot of things go right now.

And somehow the more I let go, the more I want to let go.

And, also, the more I let go, the more I question everything in my life.

Easing and releasing. Easing into releasing. More ease with releasing. That’s one element of what I am wishing for.

Element. The treasure in disliking things.

Right now I am hating everything so hard that it kind of scares me.

Just a few of the many things I currently dislike:

  • The drive-through coffee place near my house, and the way inattentive decaffeinated people make sharp turns in and out of the driveway without looking for pedestrians, which results in me nearly getting killed twice a day.
  • The way my favorite dance instructor has become a fitness nut so now instead of focusing on dance subtleties, she’s all about “push yourself more”, something that holds zero interest for me.
  • Why would someone whose house is a subdued shade of teal paint their porch bright kelly green? And why does the room where I write face this visual version of fingernails-on-chalkboard? I need a new place to write because this color combination gives me a headache, and while I’m hating things, I also hate being this sensitive to everything. Side note, I recommend the book Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight: What To Do If You Are Sensory Defensive In An Overstimulating World .
  • How did I end up with an office next door to a frame-making shop? Listening to people hammer all day is a horrible nightmare.
  • We rent out the chocolate shop (metaphor) for weddings, and people are supposed to clean up after themselves, they have a checklist. Except instead they leave chocolate cupcake frosting (not a metaphor) on the carpeted stage, and generally trash the place, and my patience level has dropped to negative levels, in both meanings of that.

Where is the treasure in disliking everything?

This happened to me in Berlin, twice, and the treasure there was in exiting a situation that wasn’t good for me.

Element. Ganesh.

Ganesh is the god of removing obstacles, which is a pretty useful superpower.

Except, here’s the thing, sometimes you can’t figure out how it is that there are nothing but obstacles in your way, and in fact seemingly more obstacles than before you asked to have them removed.

Sometimes the obstacles are clues, and sometimes they are on your path to redirect you, get you on a new and better path. Sometimes both.

The point of the obstacles is to make you re-think where you’re currently headed. The path has to be super annoying for you to make the decision to start anew.

Thus the response to an absurd amount of unexpected obstacles is, Ahhhhh, thank you for the redirection!

Right now I suspect there is some serious redirecting going on.

Element. Trust. Or maybe a reconfiguring.

I got PTSD-triggered on Saturday, so I’ve spent most of the last three days in bed, in hiding-and-recovery mode.

There is a voice, probably a monster voice and it wonders, almost too innocently:

“Maybe running a business isn’t a good idea for someone who can get thrown so easily…”

Maybe that isn’t true. Maybe pieces of that are true. Maybe this is related to Shmita, and letting everything go shmita.

Element. Nature.

After I came back from my mother’s funeral, my lover and I took off in a camper with no real plan.

We spent six weeks on the road and off the road. We woke up in some of the most extraordinarily beautiful places I have ever seen.

Okay, once or twice we woke up in a parking lot, but most of the time we were out in just breathtakingly gorgeous surroundings. Desert. Mountains. Expansiveness.

Being back in an urban environment doesn’t feel good right now. And things that used to perk me up (walking in the rose garden) no longer do it for me.

So this is also a wish about being outside, and warm.

Element. Transitions.

After nearly five years of running my amazing center in Portland, I decided on Wednesday that I am letting it go and looking for a tenant. No one is more surprised by this decision than me.

Superpower of ease-filled transitions please.

What do I know about my wish?

I wish to have a peaceful heart in the midst of big changes.

I wish to choose towards things that support me (horizon), and away from things that don’t.

I wish to say thank you, to fill up on praise.

I wish to meet all the present pain, disliking, frustration and so on with acknowledgment, legitimacy and presence.

It’s okay to think obstacles are annoying! It’s okay to feel hesitant about leaving a path even when you don’t like it! It’s okay to not know.

What do I know about this wish?

There is always treasure.

At Rally (Rally!), we used to skip a stone about this and ask, Where Is The Treasure.

Where is the treasure in this moment, in this experience, in this loss, in this question, in this project, in this life.

And every single time I was amazed by how much wisdom could be found if I only asked.

What do I really want?

Love more, trust more.

And, as always, to trust my instincts more. To trust my yes and trust my no, and act on that trust immediately.

Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?

She: You are asking all the right questions, babe! The treasure is in disliking things. You’ve been in Portland for, what, seven years now? And you finally dislike things enough to go? It’s time for beautiful adventures. This is right.
Me: Thank you, that is reassuring. I don’t really like disliking things.
She: Keep following the joy-sparks. And keep paying attention to everything that is obviously not-joy. Those are clues too, thank them too.
Me: Is this why my [favorite thing here] has stopped being fun?
She: Maybe. Isn’t lovely to not feel sad about missing it?
Me: I had not thought of that.


Speaking of obstacles, I will call Saturday’s explosion a clue. Thank you, clue.

The superpower of calm steady trust is mine.

January - Anchor More The quality for January on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is ANCHOR.

With the superpower is Calm Steady Trust Is Mine.

Calm steady trust will help me find the treasure in disliking things. And the anchor will help me voyage, it will help me locate my own steadiness as I figure out the new way.


Do you want your calendar? TODAY is your chance. Order it through the Plum Duff sale, which is almost over! Password: enter-with-roses

Ongoing wishes.

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal, yay.
  • I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive gifts that are winging their way to me. Superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers!

Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…

Set the intention. Nap on it. Dance, write, play, walk the labyrinth. Get quieter and quieter until I hear what is true.

More sweet pauses, yes to the red lights and purple pills, say thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Stone skipping with incoming me. My body gets the deciding vote. And, as always, saying thank you in advance.

Give it to the compass: Eight directions, eight qualities, eight breaths.

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Someone come up with a card for that please…

Last week I was thinking about the relationship between releasing and grief, and now I am wishing for ease with releasing, and for finding the treasure.

This week I was able to let much more go, and to come to the conclusion that it is time to find a tenant for my space. It’s been a big week, so I’m glad I primed things by thinking about the legitimacy of grief when letting go.

Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more. Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

We are running a giant sale where all the amazing new stuff is HALF OFF RIGHT NOW! Password: enter-with-roses

This ends tomorrow. Take a look! ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.


Chicken 338: it anagrams to what?

Friday chicken

A look at the good and the hard in my week, a ritual of reflecting.

It is Friday and we are here.

{a breath for Friday.}

What worked this week?

Taking it to the bath.

Even when that meant being late to a dance and missing a class. Better to arrive relaxed and grounded.

Other things that worked: ginger tea, hot water bottle, permission, legitimacy, patience, laughing, hiding.

Next time I might…

Allow more time.

It is well-documented that I overestimate my capacity and energy for doing, while underestimating how long things actually take.

I know this, so I halve my guess of the one, and double what I allow for the other.

Not good enough. I need more recovery time than I think. More doing time than I think.

This week seemed at times like watching a documentary on the theme of how I am terrible with estimating time.

If you feel drawn to leave comments on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles, I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are appreciated. Hearts or pebbles work great if you don’t know what to say, often I don’t know what to say either so we’re in the same boat.

Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. So completely overwhelmed. Also computer froze again right after I paid all that money to have it fixed. And the thing that seemed like the perfect escape is now turning into yet another complicated expensive mess. A breath for light at the end of tunnels, may it show itself soon. I mean, if that’s even a thing. I go back and forth between “yes, come on, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, just keep going” and “wait a minute haven’t you been saying that for your entire life?”. So how about a breath for spaciousness and ease.
  2. Letting go of everything and it is right, and it hurts. A breath for releasing.
  3. Now numbering among the things I am letting go of: the two best things in my life, my home and the Playground. A breath for knowing.
  4. My body is being very clear that I need to stop and let it really rest. A breath for trying to figure this out.
  5. Got triggered unexpectedly when I found out that what I thought was planned and what was actually planned were two different things. Not sure what part of my past it launched me into, but for sure I forgot that Now Is Not Then. I found myself feeling agitated, insecure, unsure of everything. A breath for presence, comfort, remembering truth.
  6. The beautiful boy was away on missions, and my housemate was away on missions, and it turns out that apparently I need A HUNDRED HUGS A DAY, because I am completely useless when no one is around to hug me. This is disconcerting. And also weird, because I don’t even really like being around people. So apparently I need designated trustworthy huggers? On call? I don’t know. Usually I like being alone except this week it was stupid and annoying and I found myself craving affection and reassurance and being comforted. A breath for comfort in all the best forms, may there be more of it and still more.
  7. Did not have fun at last Friday’s dance. Sometimes I think that I like dancing but not actually going to dances, which is a problem, because I am a dancer and that is where dancing actually happens. A breath for finding my right dance community, my right practice rituals, my confidence, whatever it is I need to find here.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.

Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I am letting everything go, and it is good, and it is time, and I can feel the joy sparks, because it turns out that the thing that sparks joy in me is FREEDOM. Freedom and writing. Without overhead. A breath for sweet releasing.
  2. Speaking of sweetness, a deepening of sweetness with the beautiful boy, more and more of it, filling up on tenderness, brimming with irrepressible joy. What wonderful madness is this? I don’t even know. A breath of appreciation for this very intense new feeling.
  3. I know what I want, what sparks joy, and knowing this is good. I spent a lot of time at the Playground this week, talking to it, asking what to do. And then on my way out, my eyes locked on a red velvet bag. I opened it and found a stone that said, “Go play!” Thank you, Playground. I love you so much. A breath for signs, and seeing them.
  4. The beautiful boy: “Good morning sweet thing, how do you feel about going to Puerto Rico?” Me: HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THIS. WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT REALLY?!?! I feel over-the-top thrilled and full of joy sparks. Puerto Rico is one of my all-time favorite places. It anagrams to Erotic Pours. Are you kidding me? Can this really happen? How?!?! A breath for all timing is right timing, and joyful running away.
  5. Two big dance epiphanies that paid off in a big way. Went to Blues Eclectic on Saturday night and had the time of my life. And then had the most fun I’ve ever had at a west coast swing dance, even though my favorite people to dance with (the beautiful boy and my teacher) weren’t there. Mmmmm. So good. And somehow I managed to have good dances with everyone there, which never happens. Someone said: “That was incredible. Dancing with you is worth the price of admission.” And someone else said, “Okay, I had my amazing dance, I can go home now.” A breath for flow, connection, delight, magic, all the things I love about dance.
  6. I am ready to let go of things I was not ready to let go of before. A breath for deep quiet knowing.
  7. Getting all the work done. Light, tunnel, etc. Dispatched (or transformed!) a number of iguanas. An iguana is any task I don’t want to deal with, anything I’m dreading or avoiding or dread-avoiding. Cleaned out a closet and two thirds of a room. Dealt with some things I didn’t want to look at. A breath for trust. I can do this.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Foxtrot. Rumba. Potato chowder. People who care about me. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

So much done! One more ebook edited and sent out, two more to go. Three boxes of clothing to Goodwill. A very complicated Playground op: taken care of! Thank you fractal flowers. More goodies soon, to those waiting patiently for Internalship ebooks, they’re being edited! And also: Wham Boom.

Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.

Taking care of anything that is a tiny sweet thing. This was a good reminder for me.


Powers I had this week…

I had the power of I Know How To Play. And the power of finding the right clues everywhere and seeing them instead of tripping over them. Also the power of people being unexpectedly supportive.

Superpowers I want.

I want the superpower of Oh That’s Hilarious.

And the superpower of Whoosh It Is Done.

Other favorite superpowers: Permission slips everywhere. Calm Steady Trust Is Mine At All Times. I Take Care Of Myself Easily and Unapologetically. Loving No Is The Door To True Yes! Delighting in Plenty. Self-Ripening Wisdom. I see how beautiful everything is and I say thank you. Theatrical Spectaculars! Doing things in grand fashion, like a fairground stripper! I Boldly Glow. Ablaze With Fearless Intentional Choice-Making. I Have Everything I Need. Wildly Confident, Outrageously Beautiful, Wonderfully Tranquil. I Do Not Dim My Spark For Anyone.

The Salve of Oh That’s Hilarious.

You know how sometimes you go through something challenging (hahaha, understatement!) in life, and then later, years later, it is suddenly funny.

You can regale people with the story of it at a cocktail party, and everyone is practically crying from laughing so hard, and even though sure, yes, it’s kind of awful, it is also so very funny.

When I let this salve soften into my skin, I have that ability now. It’s a combination of humor and perspective.

Suddenly I can see how this is ridiculous, even if I don’t yet know all the things I’m currently hilariously tripping over.

This salve reminds my body to let go and to laugh.

It shows me how future me has already made peace with things current me thinks are possibly disastrous. She says, “Remember how we went on that accidental adventure and it was the worst? Hahahaha! Ohmygod we learned so much from that, and it’s the best story. And that’s also how this other amazing thing happened, so in the end? Totally worth it. Man, though, at the time I did not see how funny this was!”

This salve brings laughter, and it brings hope. It smells a little bit like the forest, and it is bubbly like champagne.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

This week’s band is from Sam, they’re called Fueled By Monsters, their latest album is Vampiric Vapor Strokes. Catch them at the Fillmore next time you’re in San Francisco. And did you know that they’re actually just one guy? Yup. It’s true.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

GUESS WHAT! The Plum Duff sale is happening right now!

We have new things. We have beautiful, wonderful adventures.

And everything is HALF OFF, so go to the Plum Duff page! Password: enter-with-roses

Come play if you like…

Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.