Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Proxies.

I had a wonderful dream. And then I woke up from the dream and felt very sad that the thing that happened in the dream could not actually happen in real life.

So I used it as my proxy, and pretended that I was doing it.

Very many interesting things transpired as a result, including what might be the best superpower of all time: finding shortcuts wherever I look!

Ten breaths.

Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe.

Wait, pause, stop and breathe. Paws!

Play. Of course.

Play is always the answer. Play always has the answer.

Next time I might…

Get back to play sooner. Catch myself when I’m being dogmatic about tools, and remember that the point of the tool is the playing, not the tool itself.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

• The mystery of Sometimes Depletion is Part of Reality.
• The mystery of Sometimes People Want To Hold On Really Tightly.
• Saying a farewell that I didn’t want to say.
• The mystery of expectations.
• We had five people at Rally — a third of Rally — from Boston. They brought oceans of pain with them, including lots of other people’s pain. This was both useful and good, because we got a chance to test everything we play with at Rally in real time. The Playground is the ultimate experience in Shelter and Refuge, and it worked. But yeah, oceans of pain.
• I can’t [verb the verbs that need to be verbed] when I am sick.
• I hadn’t realized how much energy goes into doing [X] until I did it while not at capacity.
• Oh, hello Day 2. You showed up on Day 3!
• The mystery of The Pipedream Monsters. Aka the mobsters. Oh, they are the hardest..
• That thing I used to love so much that I still love so much still desperately needs to be renamed.
• Arguing with Incoming Me.
• The quieter I get, the stronger my sensitivity to anything that is not resonant with my internal hum. I warned everyone at Rally as usual about strong force fields going out into the world. After Rally ended, I stayed in the Playground for several hours: cleaning up and having a long sweet yoga. When I went downstairs, I opened the door TWO INCHES, and the world outside was too much. Retreat-retreat.
• How can I quit grad school if I don’t know what it is and I’m not actually in it? You see. This is a problem.
• All I want right now is to be outside in the sun, but all the things I need to do involve being near outlets.
• A shortcut is eluding me!
• I am ten different kind of toast.

Things I found delightful.

• Realization about why I am avoiding [all the things I'm avoiding]. It’s the Pipe Dream Mobsters. Monsters!
• The dream told me what I wanted. Now I know what I want!
• Planning the Ten Days Of Baths And Marveling.
• Miracles.
• Lady Bond is even more fun than Bond Girl. We wore all the best costumes too.
• Shortcuts. Now known as portalbridges.
• Ohmygod so many epiphanies from the things we did at Rally.
• Rally! (Rally!)
• Rally was amazing. So much appreciation, wonder and delight for the indescribable things that happen at Rally. I can talk about fun, the laughter, the sharing, the trust, the permission, the sweet companionship, the holiness of true play. But words don’t do it. Rally is magic. Lately I have been doubting so many things, and this was a strong clear YES THIS IS RIGHT to one thing that I do. Rally. My god. Thank you, past me for allowing Rally to come into the world.
• I have a co-conspirator and this is wonderful.
• On Wednesday I woke up healed: feeling like me again. Trusting. Steady. Grateful. Soaring heart.
• Picnics in the park with Marisa. Flowers, sunshine, smiles, comfort.
• Love. A heart full of love. Many different shades of love.
• The Rally compass was exactly the right compass. It had everything I needed. Adventures of appreciation! Trust the yes!
• I got to see Juno! And even though we didn’t really get to hang out, I got to hug her many, many times and glow at her from across the room.
• Labyrinth knows.
• Wisdom from playmate by way of an old video game: “Think of a locked door or a ferocious east not as a permanent obstacle, but merely a puzzle to be tackled.” Yes. I don’t tackle puzzles so much as flirt with them, but this was the right reminder at the right time.
• [...]
• Much sparkling, glowing and wow.
• My pirate queen quarters are becoming a giant blanket fort.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Operation Diamond Replica.
Deleting one thousand words!
Operation G.O.P.I.C.N.I.C.
Operation S.H.O.R.T.C.U.T.
Wham boom! Wham boom!

Miracles.

Milagrotag. April 22nd was a day of miracles, including one so astonishing and not-in-accordance-with-the-matrix that I don’t even know how to think about it.

A reprieve that I never would have expected or even asked for: a whole extra month to take care of something that I wasn’t ready for. Wow.

Also Lira gave me stripper dust, and this is going to come in handy for a future mission.

Superpowers.

Superpowers I had this week…

The superpower of shortcuts everywhere.

And for next week…

The shortcuts (portalbridges) glow so that I see them before they show up.

The Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) Award.

Monsters became mobsters! And Monday became Mobday!

This was the best.

Also I said “I comeback” instead of I come back. This was true. I comeback!

Salve. Yours if you want it.

This week’s salve is the salve of I Never Wait In Line For My Own Swing.

It contains beads of certainty, trust, truth and sovereignty. Knowing that everyone else has their own playground. Lovingly insisting that everything that doesn’t need to be in your space leave quickly and peacefully. Reclaiming your swing.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band recently played a duet with Garrison Keillor.

They’re called…

The Cheese Side Downs.

Their first album was Better Cream Cheese Than Blood, and they sing sweet ballads with many, many verses.

I was astonished to find out that it’s actually just one guy. Thank you, Richard.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Are you on the list? Because Plum Duff is happening very soon…

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Planting: Salve for everything that is raw.

The situation. And background.

Things are feeling raw right now, for many reasons.

Partly from having visited too close to some edges recently.

Partly from being a Highly Sensitive Person who needs far more quiet and spaciousness to get by than anyone else she knows.

Partly from being a person who lives in silence in what is either an increasingly noisy world or an already noisy world further amplified by my silence.

Mostly because of Boston, though. I lived nearly a third of my life in Tel Aviv. I experienced more than my fair share — fair? what is fair? — of bombings. Firsthand too. I have seen more bodies and blood than I care to. I have learned to navigate my way around PTSD. Mainly, I became both more sensitive and more jaded about [all kinds of things] than I ever want to be.

Sometimes it seems to me like those years made me hard in places where I want or expect to be soft, and soft in places where I need some more hard.

And I recognize this raw-meets-numb sensation. Where everything rubs. Where bitter and fearful come to the surface suddenly and with intensity. Where I feel nothing and everything at once.

What I want.

Quiet steadiness. Loving presence. To take exquisite care of myself and me-from-then who blocked out so much pain because she had to.

A salve for things that are raw.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Quiet. Softening.Presence. Strength. Steadiness. Plenty. Peacefulness. Shelter.

And the superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then, Now Is Reminding Me Of Then, Which Is Not The Same Thing.

What might help?

• Now Is Not Then.
• Making safe rooms for the me who thinks that it is then.
• Bringing a more capable me to the “front of the V”
• Saying “I am here now”. Naming five things. Active practicing of presence.
• Finding out what new boundaries might look and feel like. Trying them on like a costume.
• Making space for myself. Away from social media, away from people with leaky force fields, away from expectations, away from noise.To the best of my abilities.
• Conscious entry.
• Emptying and replenishing. When and where I can.

What else?

Letting things be raw.

The raw is legitimate. The raw is temporary. The raw is not the whole truth of me.

This is me, finding out what things are like while they are raw. We’ll be at Rally, the safest place in the world for raw (and also for rah!).

I can also reread these posts:

• On PTSD.
• Explosions.
• Some thoughts on dealing with loss.

And I can invent a salve. I know about pain. And I know about recovery from pain. There might be no one better equipped for Imaginary Salve-Making than me right now. So let’s play. I can play.

Anything else?

Bond has been very quiet during this rawness.

And it occurred to me, Bond goes through healing periods and growth periods too.

Maybe this rawness is a little bit like the period after one mission or adventure, before the new one has emerged. When you’re recovering from getting grazed by the bullets, and from adrenaline and loss, from all that jumping from rooftop to rooftop in Marrakesh or whatever.

This is the part where you land, and then there are some layers to slip off and sleep off.

Yes. Maybe Bond and I are holing up somewhere, in recovery mode. This rawness might prove to be useful then. This is something I need to learn more about.

I’m playing with…

Wearing trust like a costume.

Giving myself permission and legitimacy, over and over again. This raw-numb-grief-empty everything is natural and normal, expected and understandable. Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, I don’t know yet how I’m going to take care of myself, but I’m committing to taking care of myself.

Commitment and presence. Commitment to presence. That’s what I’m playing with. And when I can’t do that because it hurts too much, that’s okay too. When I commit to presence, I’m also committing to being present with that, and letting that be completely reasonable too.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• I need to get from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, Washington on May 11 or 12. What I really want is a ride with someone. But I would also take recommendations for best way to do that. Train? Plane? Ferry? Weigh in, please. And while I appreciate-in-advance invitations to brunch and such, I will be in extra-silent-retreat mode for this particular trip, and will be avoiding social stuff. Another time!
• Operation Word Plum, of course, of course.
• All things that need reconfiguring now reconfigure sweetly and easily.
• All misunderstandings dissolve in love.
• Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
• All endings are received with presence.
• Spaciousness. Ease. Hopefulness.
• The kind of healing that happens invisibly, under the surface, and suddenly ….Hey, didn’t that used to be a thing?
• Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
• Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
• Prom. Yes, I’m going to prom. As a chaperone. I know. Not even a proxy! How can this be easy? Hmm. Maybe it should be a proxy! Oooh, it could be my Rally project….
• Miracles at Stompopolis! and in general.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
• What do I need? What do I want?
• Welcome, fears. Come this way. Straight to the hugging room! We have it all set up for you.
• Sweet blissful steadiness.
• Love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Let’s stick with last week’s qualities. Those are good, and I can definitely use more of these…

Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.

And the superpower of using the tools available, and being glad they’re there.

Again again again. Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Operation TRUST MORE.

Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust more. Nope, more than that. Recognize that the trusting itself requires trust. Be okay with not trusting, which is itself a form of trusting more! Like that.

I’m playing with…

Something that came out of a compass meditation. “Trust in presence to steady the glow.”

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Using silence to say the unsaid things worked surprisingly well, actually.

I had a number of potentially difficult conversations by post-it note and text, and they all went easily. I said a not-goodbye-but-farewell-for-now that was incredibly painful to do and that I have been avoiding for months, but I was able to do it with love and a heart full of sweetness.

And I didn’t say a lot of things, but it was okay that I didn’t say them. Also, hilariously, I got laryngitis. So that was kind of literal. Though since I already live in silence, I’m not sure that anyone noticed.

What else? Operation Tailor Tailor and Operation POSTPONE went well. I found out what the hat wanted! I asked Rebecca the thing I needed to ask. Prom dress is taken care of. A thing that needed to exit has exited, and gracefully. And conducting saved my ass this week.

While it was a week that was hard and painful, I am so pleased with everything I planted here, and with everything I learned from asking. So that’s a sweet reminder. This process is useful just through existing, sometimes I forget that.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Trusting.

Someone I trust told me: “Your sparkle is strong today.”

It was a difficult day for me. I couldn’t feel the sparkle.

So I embarked on an adventure to strengthen it.

An adventure of trust.

Among the many things I learned: It is my perception that I am strengthening the sparkle. Reality is that the sparkle is there. The sparkle is plentiful and strong. It does not need strengthening.

So when I say that I am strengthening the sparkle, what I really mean is that I am strengthening my awareness of the sparkle, and my receptivity to seeing just how sparkly it is.

Getting sick.

Realizing that my life only works when I am full committed in all ways to blissful steadiness, and the practice of practicing.

It took being in a state where that was the only thing I could do in response, for me to remember that yes, that is in fact the only thing I want and need to do.

Asking for what I wanted.

Tea. Hugs. Spaciousness. Whispering. Play. Humming. More tea.

Next time I might…

Remember earlier that it is okay for me to want what I want. And that I have a much better chance of getting it if I give myself permission to want it.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

• Exhaustion.
• The mystery of the Sore Throat and the Unsaid Things.
• The mystery of goodbyes leading to more goodbyes.
• The mystery of expectations.
• Soaking up everyone else’s fear and panic, first about taxes and then about terror. The downside of being a Highly Sensitive Person.
• Boston.
• Related: Stuff from then.
• Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
• Dreams about people who are gone, apologizing for [things done or not done].
• The mystery of Spring Fever, in all forms.
• Someone I love in the hospital.
• Nothing I can do that can help other than steadily radiating love.
• People wanting me to do things other than steadily radiating love, and I can’t do those things because they interfere with my ability to steadily radiate love.
• Related: The mystery of not everyone understands that silence is a gift.
• The mystery of what is this phlegmtasmagorical coughpocalypse and WHEN WILL IT END.
• Sometimes you don’t want the same thing as what someone else wants, and sometimes that is okay, but sometimes that is so very, very hard.

Things I found delightful.

• A marvelous adventure to Hood River with the Vicar. With a visit to the fish, a sacred pilgrimage to Double Mountain, and some fun roller derby.
• A bath in which my body told me a secret about healing.
• Company and sweetness on a hard day. Words on top of words. Spells and script.
• Safe rooms.
• Magical weather reports.
• Lilacs and tulips and lusciousness. Flowers everywhere.
• There are people who love me, who are warm and steady in their comfort, without trying to fix or make better. And I am the most fortunate person in the world to have them in my life.
• The robot of twelve, who is really the robot of twenty four. Thanks, Kyle.
• Whispered words.
• New superpowers.
• Postcards.
• Operation EDGELOVE and Operation FOUNTAIN. My heart overflows.
• Trust. Adoration. Love.
• Sometimes you want exactly what someone else wants, and you both want it in the same way and the same amount and together.
• Marisa is back.
• As a “woman of a certain age, etc etc”, I was thrilled to be referred to as an Obscenely Juicy Distraction this week. So. Um. Thank you. I am fine with that. Also: holy god, how is that not a band?
• That feeling of “okaaaaaaaaayy I hope this works!”. I love it. It feels reckless and stupid and “why it’s so crazy it just might work. What a thrill. I much prefer being a crazed genius to just a genius. Especially after a long time of not feeling the fun. It’s starting to feel like a grand adventure again, and that is a very good sign indeed.

The most extraordinary thing from this week!

My intention that flowers and silence would solve everything that needed solving.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Operation More Internal Spring Cleaning and Oh Wait Even More Difficult Goodbyes.
Operation Tailor Taylor set into motion.
Operation E.D.G.E.L.O.V.E. is happening.
Operation FOUNTAIN: joyfully out into the world!
Wham boom! Wham boom!

Miracles.

The miracle of Holocene from two weeks ago, which is also the miracle of being willing to be wrong, which is also the miracle of holy-shit-look-at-those-seeds-I-planted-coming-to-life.

The miracle of tulips.

Superpowers.

Superpowers I had this week…

Turning Emergency into Emergence.

Channeling grounded blissful steadiness. Tasting first fruits and saying thank you in my heart.

And for next week…

More of the same, please. And delighting in it.

Proxy for the week.

Bond is recovering from a wound sustained during the latest adventure, holed up in a Swiss chalet.

In slow, steady training for the next mission. And in the meantime, much debriefing.

The Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) Award.

“I hope you are well-trousered…”

It was supposed to be well-rested, but “trousered” kind of works. Why yes, I *am* well-trousered. To be said with a British accent, of course.

Salve. Yours if you want it.

This week’s salve is the salve of peacefulness. It works in both active and passive forms, and is incredibly steadying. I used it all week.

Here is the secret name of this salve:

I Now Bring Peacefulness Into Every Corner Of My Life And Kingdom, And My Thoughts Bring Me Peace In Return.

To be applied generously in any and all situations.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band by way of Kyle.

Robot of 12.

Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

We have Rally dates for 2014….

Rally! (Rally!)

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Planting: Using silence to say the unsaid things.

The situation.

I am sick. And worn out. And my throat hurts.

That’s not the situation though. That’s just the thing giving me the loudest information about the situation.

My body operates in pretty much purely symbolic ways. My throat only hurts when there is something I need to say that is not being voiced.

Which is pretty funny, if you think about it, since I don’t speak at all.

Anyway, it’s not particularly surprising. I can think of six separate situations where I have not said the thing that needs saying. And my Day of Wearing Courage Like A Cloak last week stirred up more of that.

What I want.

To say the things but not out loud.

To access a state of deep quiet and internal connectedness.

And then to find out what I would say if I were courageous, centered and speaking my personal Havi-truth.

To say it just for me.

For me. For me, to the forest, for the ocean, to the fountain. Like that.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Spaciousness. Softening. Forgiveness. Quiet. Steadiness. Plenty. Contentment. Release.

And the superpower of remembering that This Moment Right Now Is Right. Including this unraveling and falling apart, which is also right. Including not liking it. And knowing that in six months I will say “oh, that was a fortunate thing” but still resisting it right now.

I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to appreciate it. And I can still remember that nothing is wrong.

More about what I know.

Bond can help. Barrington can help. There is help and support.

Time and sleep and baths (which was last week’s secret Thing X wish). These can help.

And! One thing I have learned from silence and being silent is that silence really does heal everything.

Real silence (not shutting-up but intentional radiating quiet) is a gift of presence. It works all kinds of crazy wonders.

More about what I want.

It really is about responding with presence instead of words. With love instead of trying to give what I think the other person wants. And about taking care of the space around me and the space inside of me.

I also want to find out what I would say if I weren’t worried about apparent contradictions that might turn up in my answers, and how I would explain them.

Or: what I would say if I weren’t wondering how it would be received, or worried about how people would feel.

What I would say if I were saying it in a way that is so quiet and graceful that it’s really just channeling the bells of Havi Bell? That’s what I want. To be a clear conduit for “This Is What Is True For Me Right Now.”

With gentleness and curiosity.

No blaming. No placating. Just there, with love.

Oh something funny just happened. Funny in the sense of hahahahahaha AND weird-crazy. Also in the sense of oh-god-not-funny-at-all.

Just got a request from someone who believes that all kinds of things trump the gifts of silence. So silence is needed to quietly say what needs to be said here as well.

Ways this could work.

Buying a small notebook. Talking to Bond. Doing this together. Creating the best possible safe room.

I’m playing with…

Wearing courage like a costume.

Knowing and trusting that speaking truth — even through silence and when the other party can’t “hear” — is still powerful and effective communicatin.

Maybe even sometimes more so than actual conversation.

To meet monsters as they show up and talk to them too.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Operation Tailor Tailor. I just had the most hilarious thought that possibly Taylor and/or Taylor would know about this.
• What do you want, beautiful hat?
• Operation P.O.S.T.P.O.N.E.
• Ask Rebecca.
• Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
• Talk it out with Bond Girl.
• Pleasure and Delight.
• The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
• Perfect simple solutions.
• Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
• Prom dress?! Hahahahaha. No, really.
• Miracles at Stompopolis!
• Fix the straps.
• Vancouver.
• Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
• Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
• What do I need? What do I want?

The qualities inside of the wants:

Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.

And the superpower of finding support.

Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Operation PLANT SEEDS.

Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust what I know.

I’m playing with…

This is right.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Things that have already come to life: I wanted Thing X (lots and lots of bath time), and got it. And I got a second Beach Day! Operation FLOWERS happened in a big way. Same with conducting.

What else?

Everything else can percolate for now.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Waiting.

Not taking action until feeling the pull.

Listening.

More and more and more.

Trying on courage like a costume.

And wearing it until it felt like something I’d actually wear.

Next time I might…

Remember that doing deep emotional work means internal fallout, even when there’s no external fallout.
And especially if there is!

Build in time to fall apart a little. Schedule it.

Instead of being surprised by something that is really not surprising at all.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

• Exhaustion.
• Three nights of screaming terror nightmares. Stuff from then.
• Needing to say the words and make the endings. So hard.
• Seeing people I love in pain, and watching them continue to choose pain and stay in situations where they are not treated lovingly and respectfully.
• Missing Shut Up & Dance because too tired to see straight.
• Stompopolis scheduling mix-up on Saturday!
• Playmate is far away.
• Realizing I have been keeping reminders of pain on my phone in the form of voicemails, because deleting them meant acknowledging: this is over. But the not-deleting causes twinges of sweet sadness that keeps things stagnant. And stagnation is not what I want.
• Time to do all the hard things. This required immense levels of courage, and I had to learn many new things about courage this week. I am very glad to know them. The process of learning them was not the most fun thing I’ve ever done.
• Letting go of things that are not working. Grief and sadness about change and about endings.
• Monsters. Specifically What If You Never Have X Again and What If You Never See Y Again and What If You Are Screwing It All Up. We had a lot of talking to do about “never” and about safety and plenty. It was useful and also pretty intense.
• Fear. Sadness. Doubt.
• Concepts I have made clear not landing.
• Releasing attachment and a bowlful of “But but but why is it not like this?!”.

Things I found delightful.

• Friday night.
• 16 hours in bed dozing, drifting, dreaming, listening to internal weather reports.
• The Wheels of Justice bout against Bay Area. Could have been a killing for B.A.D. It wasn’t! We lost but lost VALIANTLY. Definitely the most physical bout I’ve ever seen. Add to that: well-matched teams and four lead changes and you have some pretty great derby. Afterparty was pretty fun too…
• Four days of curiosity, playful discovery, smiling.
• Having painful things received with love and sweetness, without the other person trying to fix it or change it. Just presence.
• Heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
• Sent a secret birthday present that was full-of-secret-meaning to person who is meaningful to me in ways that are not-at-all-secret, who really, truly understood, and was over-the-top delighted with it.
• Every moment of Surprise Beach Day at Seaside and Hug Point. Sharing. With the ocean. Perspective. Getting really really clear on what I want. Thank you, ocean.
• Doing a thing that was like [scary-for-me thing] but without the PTSD attached.
• Adoring. Adoring. Adoring.
• “You are safe.”
• Up to date thought ticker reports.
• Internal spring cleaning. Including: Deleting the voicemail messages. Ending things that needed endings. Doing what is right.
• Intimate acceptance. As in: Here. Now. I will be deeply human with you in this moment.
• Seekrit flowers from Floopers! Flowers everywhere.
• Comfort. Sweetness. Compassion. Warmth. Delight.
• Sharing concepts and metaphors.
• The side effects of Courage. They’re a lot like the side effects of silence.
• Met the new Incoming Me! She’s a more intense version of Bond Girl. Bond. Havi Bell Bond. She has the best superpowers ever. I am especially liking Blissful Steadiness and Effortlessly Alert.
• There are people who can handle [hard things that I think no one can handle].
• Slow Melting Internal Light-Glowing Effervescent Smiles. An acronym that stands for itself, but better! This is right.

The most extraordinary thing from this week!

I was walking down the street and a woman was getting out of her car. She looked at me and asked, “Do you like flowers? I have a car full of flowers!”

Then she handed me two large beautiful bouquets. They had tags on them that said “donate”, apparently from some kind of auction. I LOVE flowers!

You know what my proxy mission at the Crossing for [how I want to live my life] was, right?

Learn how and why flowers make everything better!

I wrote her a note that said “Flowers make everything better!”

Thank you, flowers. Thank you, woman who gave them to me! Thank you, silent retreat so I didn’t make awkward small talk but was present for and with the exchange. Thank you, abundance and plenty. Thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Thank you, Crossing. Thank you, proxies. Thank you, favorite cafe for suddenly mysteriously filling up with people and noise so I left an hour earlier than I would have. Thank you, Bond Girl for saying now, go! And telling me to walk faster and make the light. Thank you, beautiful world for life!

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Operation Internal Spring Cleaning and Preparing For Many Difficult Goodbyes. Wham boom!

Miracles!

I believe the phrase “Would you like flowers?” can be a stand-in for this right now.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

Trusting in courage.

And a superpower I want next week.

Sweet grounded blissful Steadiness. With Focus sprinkled on top.

Proxy of the week.

I’m wearing courage.

Freudian Typo (or autocorrect) of the week.

Whole-heatedness, instead of whole-heartedness. Mmmmmhmmmm.

Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.

This salve is the salve of courage.

And because courage contains, I learned, lots of other things, it has those too: Plenty. Trust. Freedom. Wonder. Curiosity. Joy. Lots and lots of joy.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

Covered In Wow.

They are loud, raucous, fun to dance to and do things with woodwinds. Musically, I mean.

Of course, as it turns out, it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

It is very much April, and I am noticing-feeling different things at once about my relationship to this month right now.

A part of me that wants to pause (paws!) and acknowledge the movement: here we are. April.

The part of me that wants to press pause on this movement. La-la-la nothing-is-happening!

Also the part of me who knows the voyage is being voyaged whether I look or not. Even if I distract myself, we’re still sailing through this part of the sea, and this moment is new, and all moments are new, and April is here. I can say hello or not. So I will.

Come in, come in, April. Come in, flowering vitality. I am here for this. I will play with you.

Looking out at March. What worked?

Saying: This Is Right. Saying yes to the pull of adventure. No to everything else.

So long, March. Things I might try differently next time?

Keep trusting. Conduct more. Do less.

Observing the sea of April. Hello, April.

We’ve been hanging out for a week but now I’m ready to look. I am here. I want to be here now.

I see you and you are beautiful. I see my wants and fears and expectations, colored balloons.

I notice how I am remembering last year when everything fell apart in April, the slow-burn beginning of the eight months of watching everything go up in flames. I feel that sudden gust of wind that says: change is coming. Breath catching in my throat.

I repeat truth: Now Is Not Then.

And I smile at all the beautiful things that came into my life through the undoing and collapsing of the old, stagnant structures. I am ready for change that is sweet, steady, playful and glowing. It smells of spring.

Qualities I want in April.

Clarity. Trust. Pleasure. Quiet. Plenty. Strength. Radiance. Conduit.

What does the Stompopolis calendar have to add?

This month’s quality: RECEPTIVITY.

Um. Yes. Seriously every month I look at the new calendar page and think, “Past-me was a genius! How did she know exactly what was needed?!”

And also: Wanna play catch?

Hey, April. Wanna play catch? Hey life and love and joy: wanna play catch? Hey emptying-and-replenishing…wanna play catch?

Play. Catch.

I am receptive.

The superpower listed is… tada! The superpower of Delighting In Small Things. Yes please.

April superpowers

Trusting that what I need is here. Trusting my ability to improvise with what is here, even if I don’t think it’s what I need. (Or can’t recognize that it’s what I need!)

Bond Girl fearlessness. The fearlessness comes from the trust, of course. If I miss the train, it was not my train. That is what this trust looks like.

Bond Girl also says: Love the edges. So some of that too. The superpower of loving the edges.

Things I’m working on and playing with in April.

Letting the compass solve the mysteries. Saying thank you in my heart. Going deeper into silence.

Things I’m looking forward to in April.

Beach Day. April Rally! Napping. More and more flowers. So many flowers. Delighting in the flowers.

What April could be like.

Radiant. Glowing. Covered in wow.

Slightly future me says…

Tend to what you want. Treat it like you do the flowers. Make your internal space welcoming for these desires and aspirations. Give them a home to land in.

Naming the moon.

This is a tradition I borrowed from Waverly. You can read more about how I do it if you like.

The Moon of Plentiful As The Stars In The Sky and The Sand Of The Sea.

I want to be here now.

I want to be here now.

Goodbye, beautiful March. You were a month of flowers and hidden jewels, like I asked. Thank you. Goodbye what-is-done. Thank you for being done.

Hello, April.

The secret word is ready. Ready. Over and out.

Play with me…

I mess around with entry and exit each month, going with whatever shows up.

For other versions, peek at 2011: July / August / September / October / November and December. Or 2012: January / February / March / April / May. A love letter to June / July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February.

And last month we slid into March like it was a safe house!

Feel welcome to deposit notes for your entry into April here, if you like. Or drop off wishes or leave flowers.

We make this safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you a pleasure-filled, playful, welcoming April. And love. All the love.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1. Learning more about my relationship with Thing X.

What I want.

Well, I really wanted Thing X.

Thing X seemed like a great thing to want, because it was not at all dependent on other people or technology or anything else. It was a thing I could do — and wanted to do — for myself. With ease. All that was needed was for me to agree to set aside an hour for it.

And then I didn’t. And then I did.

But due to tired-induced zombie-state, I messed up one tiny thing while preparing for Thing X that resulted in NO THING X AT ALL FOR ME.

This was the moment at which I discovered just how attached I am to Thing X, and to the happening of Thing X. And to specifics. Nothing could be substituted. Only Thing X would do.

I also learned that I had been deeply intensely craving Thing X, not just slightly-wanting it. In fact, I didn’t even realize until it was not longer an option that I had been counting on Thing X to make up for [all the other things].

What I want here is to reveal truth. Gently, steadily and lovingly. In the safest ways possible. To investigate — with sweetness — my relationship to Thing X, and find out what needs some rewriting.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Curiosity. Play. Presence. Shelter. Steadiness. Plenty. Release. Trust

And the superpower of remembering that there is always a way of getting the essence of what I want, if not the form. Sometimes even in a better form…

More about what I know.

Thing X is related to:

Comfort. Solace. Getting quiet. Getting insight. Reconnecting to myself. Warmth. Being deeply present. It is also like a mikveh (pictures) in that you emerge from it in a different state than when you enter.

It is immersion in something important and vital.

I also know that I do not take my need and desire for Thing X as seriously as one would think, given how much I love it and crave it.

I know that Thing X has been a part of my life in some form forever.

Ways this could work.

Renaming Thing X. Possibly with metaphor mouse.

Or inventing a proxy.

Or using an acronym. Making it secret agent code. Turning it into a secret spy op.

But mainly: playing. Not letting it be this gigantic tangle of Havi Stuff that my monster crew want me to think it is. Because it isn’t.

Remembering that fear, pain, grief, whatever comes up is legitimate and understandable. Recognizing that part of learning to give myself what I need is coming to terms with the fact that yes, I am super conflicted about this. Even just with the phrase. What I need.

This is going to require some safe rooms for me-from-then.

I’m playing with…

Water. Looking at water, thinking about water, finding out what I know about water.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Two hats want to come into the world.
• Bond Girl says: Love The Edges.
• Operation Playing With Timing.
• Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
• Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
• Playfulness.
• The kind of healing that happens with laughter.
• I want what I want, and I am okay with wanting what I want. Releasing attachment to form, getting closer to essence.
• A sovereign answer to an unsovereign question.
• Miracles at Beach Day.
• Miracles at Stompopolis!
• What if everything else I am working on could be like FLOWERS?
• Operation F.L.O.W.E.R.S.!
• Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
• Bond Girl takes lead, and we delight in the thrill of anticipation, readiness, adventure, steadiness and glowing the glow of what is coming.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Courage. Wonder. Tingling presence. Radiating. Alertness. Glow. Capability.

And the superpower of remembering that everything is my ally if I want it to be.

And seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Taking a break from [thing that is uncomfortable] for however long feels right.

Operation B.A.T.H.T.I.M.E.

Asking Bond Girl.

I’m playing with…

Trust and play. Trust in play. Trust the play. Trust is play.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Things that have already come to life: Sexy strappy sandals happened! Though not flip flops. Marisa and I took care of a big thing from the list. I went to Actual Beach Day for the first time since September.

What else? I maintained boundaries. The misunderstanding did resolve in laughter.

Agent S. returned safely from the New Orleans mission except in the meantime I discovered new things about myself and about the agency that changed the mission and my relationship to it. Agency! The mission Agent S. is currently undertaking (if that is in fact the mission) is not something I can play with. So that is new, and it is one of those things that is sad-and-good at the same time. Mostly good.

Everything else can percolate for now. And a wish from a long time ago about flowers came true this morning in the most marvelous and unexpected way!

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Listening.

Listening to what I wanted.

To trees. To instinctive pull. To inclination and disinclination. To judgment and distortion. To the secret language of picnics. To questions I didn’t understand, trying to hear the question behind the question.

To music that is like this and music that is like that. To Bond Girl aka Incoming Me.

Listening more.

Bond Girl told me where to go dancing and when.

I got there and did not like. That’s not true. Loved the music and the concept, atmosphere didn’t feel right.

There’s a protocol for that, of course. “If something doesn’t feel right and you can’t shift it, exit!”

Me: (listens!)
Bond Girl: Finish the mission. Do the thing you came here to do.
Me: I don’t know what that is yet.
Bond Girl: You’ll know what it is later. Now there is dancing to do.

Wow was she ever right.

Listening even more. And not arguing.

Bond Girl: Let’s go back inside and get a tissue.
Me: I don’t really need a tissue.
Bond Girl: And yet that’s what’s indicated.
Me: (huffy) OKAY-FINE.

Back inside, I discovered I’d left my water bottle next to the box of tissues. Then the bus was late and I was happy to have water in my wait in the sun. Later I was happy about having the tissue too.

Me: What if I hadn’t listened?
Bond Girl: All timing is right timing. Any moment can be a moment for listening.
Me: Oh. So it doesn’t matter that I listened and then didn’t listen and then listened again.

Listening more and more and more.

Now? Now. Do it? Do it.

Listening more and more and more and more than that, even.

Just when you think you’ve gotten to all the quiet, there is even more quiet underneath…

It is beautiful and cannot be described.

Next time I might…

Listen? Listen. And conduct.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

• Fallout from other people in my space.
• You think you’ve worked through all this inherited cultural fear-programming, and then you’re awakened in the middle of the night by pounding on the door because your cousin can’t find his key, and your first thought is: Gestapo! Heart-sigh for that.
• Being around people who are in their stuff, and do not know that their stuff is their stuff.
• Still haven’t found the words that need saying.
• Silent Disco was not silent. In fact, the words “HEY IT’S SILENT DISCO, MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!” were shouted at top volume. It was loud in all different ways: jangly and ungrounded.
• Someone I love in a bout of LFP (Ludicrous Fear Popcorn), and I took it hard, because I was raised with that exact flavor of fear, and I feel strongly about how this is no way to live.
• Misunderstanding with playmate.
• Sleep doesn’t want to happen at night right now for whatever reason.
• Getting to the point of tired that is beyond not-functioning.
• You know when you find someone’s behavior in [situation] reprehensible and unjustifiable, and then you realize you’re basically doing the exact same thing to someone else in a different situation? That was this week.
• That lead to a lot of moments of “I can’t believe X doesn’t have the balls to just say [thing] to my face. Oh, wait…”
• The realization (thanks to something really good happening) that I have been putting up with a lot of crap, and that this needs to change.
• The usual What If You Just Made A Horrible Mistake monsters were in full force. Though Bond Girl wasn’t impressed. That helped.

Things I found delightful.

• This beautiful sweet week.
• Is everything extra-pretty or have I just not been paying enough attention to BEING ALIVE?
• Svevo, my favorite person in the world, stayed the weekend for more play.
• Dozing in the sun with Svevo and Noah in the park, in true Brooks fashion.
• House overflowing with flowers, inside and in the garden.
• Ending Pesach with Marisa and macncheeses.
• The New Orleans thing went better than expected, and then the thing I thought would hurt like crazy if it happened did in fact happen but was so much less painful than what I was imagining.
• Sudden decision making superpowers. I knew exactly what to do. All the previously complicated questions now suddenly have simple, clear, Bond-Girl-approved answers. Scleranthus! Yeah!
• Saturday: 73 degrees. Sat in the garden in the sun. Happy.
• Went to Silent Disco because Bond Girl told me too, and also because I like to express support for all silence-related ventures.
• Dancing all night.
• Welcome surprises. As a noun and a verb. And a superpower.
• Real Beach Day. First one since September. A thousand times better than Fake Beach Day.
• Being at the ocean with Bond Girl made it really clear how much has changed since the Vicarage. Overflowing with gratitude and appreciation.
• New superpower: Everything I encounter today is my ally.
• Discovering at the beach that a story I have been (quietly) telling myself about my life is not true! Astounding and freeing.
• Bond Girl took me on an adventure to teach me to love the edge. At the end she directed me to a spot with no bus stop, trusting that the bus would stop anyway if I smiled. It did. The bus driver: “I only stopped for that smile, you know.” Bond Girl!
• Edited something down from 3485 words to 2930. Progress.
• Good news from two different friends in Berlin.
• Picnic in the park. With red balloons and fading light. Sweetness and delight.
• I can’t stop smiling this week.
• “Solve for happy.” Wait, already solved.
• Sometimes I honestly wonder why anyone says anything at all when the things we want to say are so deliciously obvious. Maybe because it’s fun to find the courage to say them.
• It’s Worldwide Everything Is Right Day. Wait, again? Again. When I forget, I remember that this is possible. And then it is both possible and true.
• Agent White’s favorite piece of punctuation is the ellipsis. I feel strongly about how great this is.
• Feeling the way I feel right now.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.

Operation Constance Edgewalker Tries On Two Different Hats Wham boom!
Operation Red Rose Missive Wham boom!
Operation Real Beach Day Wham boom!
Reveal and Radiate Wham boom!

Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!

You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Miracles!

Still. Yes. Silent retreat.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

I think my favorite one was Feeling Absolutely Fine About Being Mysteriously Awake In The Middle Of The Night.

Oooh, no, my favorite has to be Feeling Completely Glamorous While In Sneakers And Not Wearing Make-Up. That one was new and exiting.

And a superpower I want next week.

Trusting in timing. Letting things be as they are, and smiling.

Proxy of the week.

I’m just trying on hats…

Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.

Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.

Being “ballast” instead of ballsy. And: The bus ended up being Kate!

Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.

This salve gives everything quiet illumination and lustre.

When it is on you, everything you see, touch, feel, encounter or perceive is slightly more beautiful, slightly more pleasurable, lit up by its own light. And you glow quietly towards it, as it glows quietly at you.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

But But But Sandwich.

They are the best. Though it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Announcements coming so very soon! Are you on the list?

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1. Spring. Into action? Or just spring?

What I want.

It is spring. It is very much spring.

And there is this thing that happens every year. Or really, there is this story I tell in my head about a thing that happens every year.

Namely that I am not “prepared” or “ready” for spring. It just kind of … springs up on me, yes. In its springy springiness of bouncing on all the springs.

The thing is, I adore spring.

And then I go into my stuff about not having what I need to properly enjoy spring. And then I feel resentful and frustrated.

Let’s not do that this year. So I’m not sure yet if this ask is more about untangling the patterns, or if it’s about making sure that I have the tools that I need. Or if it’s about changing how I think about all of this. But here it is: spring!

The qualities inside of the wants:

Curiosity. Patience. Sweetness. Earth. Delight. Plenty. Freedom. Sun

And the superpower of trusting my instincts.

More about what I know.

(People vary, so what you need for spring might be very different. This is just for Havi.)

Havi needs to be able to 3, 2, 1 stop drop and picnic (code for drop everything and go to the park) if there is sun in her rainy land. And to comfortably do this, she needs flip flops. And a pedicure. Sunscreen. A cloth to sit on because of grass stains and sometimes mud. And to remember to shave her legs.

And a bag with water bottle, sunscreen, accordion toe-magic, notebook, pen, post-its. Maybe a snack.

Really, there needs to be a bag like this at home and at the Playground, because Havi works a lot. And two pairs of flip flops because hers are sure to be wherever she isn’t.

Bond Girl just added “sexy strappy sandals” to the list. And before the monsters could start in with “extravagant” and “not necessary” and “you can live without that” and “DOOM”, she gave them a look.

The look was kind of like, “Really? You’re not going to support my receiving the tools I need to excel at the mission?”

I chime in: “Yeah. I want to talk to Q!”

And then all the monsters volunteered to be Q. And now they are busy making me pens that are also spyglasses, and watches that have tiny hidden snacks inside of them, this is great.

Ways this could work.

Hmm. Right now the pattern is “wait to get these things until it is already sunny, then feel resentful about being indoors getting flip flops and a pedicure when I could BE OUT IN THE SUN!!!”

And since I didn’t take care of these things and now spring is here, really the only part I can change is the pattern.

So. I can practice saying “this is right”. I can remind myself that I will not run out of sun. The sun is like prime numbers. There will be more sun.

I can try doing some of these things very early or late in the day. I can let Bond Girl tell me when, where, how, and just follow instructions.

I’m playing with…

Noticing when I’m choosing to believe in Spring Just Springs Up On Me And I Don’t Get To Enjoy It And It’s Not Fair.

Noticing what I need: reassurance and reminders that I have enough, that there will be enough, that I will get to play.

Making safe rooms for me-from-then who is VERY upset about having had to go to school, period, but especially about having to sit indoors on beautiful days being bored out of her mind when she wanted and needed to frolic and be a gazelle.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

• Juggling is the wrong metaphor. So what’s a better one?
• Conspiring with Svevo and with the Observer to get more information about the Orchard of the Annes and the musical accompaniment that might be involved.
• Operation What’s The Protocol Part II
• Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment. No pushback this week! PROGRESS.
• For Vicarage II (condensed mini vicarage) to happen smoothly, I need to fill out some paperwork and this is not fun. So. Operation S.A.Y. Y.E.S.
• May this misunderstanding dissolve in love and laughter. And if further steps are needed to be taken on this, may I be brave, loving and trusting enough to take them as needed.
• Agent S returns from a mission in New Orleans. I would like this to be fun, playful, easy, filled with delight.
• Presence and pleasure. Revealing truth with presence and pleasure.
• I want to add a few more things to the Bitchy Boozy questions, and I want this to be easy.
• Who will watch Around The World In Eighty Days with me?
• Wonders and delights at Stompopolis!
• Easiest HAT!
• Wait, Beach Day? Actual Beach Day? Not Fake Beach Day? Ooooooh.
• Dance dance dance. While being a fountain.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Playfulness. Perseverance. Presence. Pleasure. Grounding. Simplicity. Resonance. Flow.

And the superpower of noticing all the things, people, experiences that are playing with me, delighting with me.

Like last time: seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Walking. Dancing. Conducting. Compassing. Remembering. Being Bond Girl. Being the compass. Being the fountain. Playing with everything.

I’m playing with…

What if the “right tool for the job” is something I already have? And: If I’m using it, then it’s the right tool for the job.

Also disguises, costumes and things that don’t look like doors but are actually doors.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Things that have already come to life: I activated the card! And found the right agent who was not Stan. Talked to the monsters. Learned about Operation Spring For This. Had joyful time with Svevo. Had (and am still having) a wonderful, easy Pesach. Came up with the dates for the announcing. Spent time with Agent Santellano and it was new, like I asked.

Everything else is progressing through percolating. I am sprinkling those asks with some affectionate attention and then letting them do their thing, trusting that if there’s more I need to know about them, it will probably show up.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Trust.

The hardest.

But man, when you commit to it.

Relinquishing an old idea of what “right” looks like.

I was trying to make a mission happen, and my contact (Agent Stan of Stanistan) was not playing ball.

It kept not working, and I kept trying because I was convinced that this particular agent was crucial to the mission, and then eventually I realized: wait, this is stupid and not fun.

So I asked for the new just-right agent to be my contact for this mission, and I found her and it was easy. And her name is Bee, which is the best name in the world, and she was even more helpful than Stan of the Stans had ever been.

Letting Bond Girl say when.

Now? Now.

Unapologetically following instinct.

Even when there was monster-fear about ” oh no what will people think”.

I got to 442 and it was wrong, and I left, and this was right. Like that.

Next time I might…

• Stay connected to the essence of the mission, not the form.
• More entry time.
• Ask our man in Marin for help.
• More time for Putterday.

The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

• Havi Bell, known Highly Sensitive Person, should never be in a sports bar playing multiple games on multiple screens all at full volume. This is a high-anxiety experience for her .
• The thing I wanted to play with this week did not get played with. This is probably good, but I was attached to a timeline that past-me had set up, forgetting that past-me did not have as much information as I do right now.
• A perfect storm of no lunch plus late class plus change of plans plus canceled plans results in: All The Stuff At Once. Too far gone to formulate a Plan B. Frustration of “wait, I followed the plan and it didn’t work!”
• Two outrageously unsovereign relationships that need to end. Not having the words for this. Guilt about disappearing on people who think they need me.
• Someone who does not know about [my friend who is dead] and how much of a wreck I am about this, still, talking to me about how he doesn’t see the point of being alive. And I kind of lost it.
• People I care about: deep in the distortions. Not seeing the love, even though it is everywhere.
• Head full of thinky-thoughts.
• Formerly-favorite-dance-instructor has gone all motivational, and I can’t stand it. I do not need or want to be motivated. I just want to dance.
• Speaking of distortions. Hello, old friend Pronoun Is Just Not That Into You. I remember you.
• Wanting.
• Tuesday night. Being awake from 1am.
• The spell is broken. The spell was so much fun! And suddenly it is over, which is probably good because I don’t think I wanted to be under a spell. But it was amazing, and I miss it.
• Ugh why the terrible goodbyes? Why can’t they either say the thing or just disappear in that crucial moment of DOORWAY and ENDING. Anything but this “well, have a nice weekend” awkward non-endings. I had pain.
• Again it is spring and I do not have the spring things. Monsters are very loud about this.
• Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about being a hostess who isn’t providing well for her guests.
• People are in their stuff and so unknowledgeable about the fact that it is their stuff, yes.

Things I found delightful.

• Friday night.
• GNR somehow miraculously beating the Betties. Despite falling apart after the first ten minutes and being down by 80+ points and oh all is lost. I was just hoping we could close the gap and lose by less-than-fifty. BUT WE WON! By three points! In six years of crazed fandom, I have never seen my Guns N Rollers beat the Betties. It happened once in scrimmage but never in a bout.
• Miracles, miracles.
• An entirely new level of passionate presence.
• The bout demanded zebra tights, and zebra tights make everything better.
• A life-changing moment of surprousal (translation: “I didn’t realize Unlikely Thing was a turn-on for me but actually ohmygod, yes!”). New information.
• Channeling the Bond Girl superpowers of Extreme Confidence and Anything Is Possible, and having impossibly great things happen as a result.
• The Seder. It was beautiful and fun and sweet, and everything I wanted/needed.
• Two whole days of being Bond Girl.
• Following instinct lead me to the fountain which lead me to the rainbow which lead me to the clue which lead me to the healing. This was big.
• Letting things be right. This is Right.
• Running away from 442 and ending up at the Back Stage Bar for the US-Mexico match, which was the best place to watch it.
• Playmate.
• Warm day in the sun, spent napping in the garden.
• Agent A, our man in Marin, helped me solve a conundrum.
• Marisa was visiting and now Svevo is visiting, and I am happy.
• Bee! Bee!
• Vicarage II. I now know when this is happening.
• Remember my wish about the Orchard of the Annes? Favorite person ever might come with me!
• Thanks to instinct plus miracles plus Bond Girl, I now have the most gorgeous pair of boots, at 60% off.
• Fantastic results from the Bitchy Boozy Secret Spy coaching day that I taught under-the-radar and with tricksiness.
• I did a thing that I never have to do again.
• Napping date. Napping. Date. NAPPING DATE!
• I kind of don’t want to mention this because of monster-fear about jinxing it, but I have had the most flawless skin ever for the past three weeks, and this is incredibly exciting.
• Making the call. I made the call. Not that kind of call. The other kind of call.
• Fearlessness. Not something I ever expected to experience, to be honest. But there it was.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.

Operation Rewrite the Protocols Wham boom!
Operation Fractal Flowers Wham boom!
Operation Set It Up Set It Up Wham boom!
What if Stan is not the agent?! Wham boom!

Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!

You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Miracles!

Everywhere.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

Releasing attachment to outcome.

And a superpower I want next week.

Being the fountain.

Proxy of the week.

Starboard, not port.

Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.

Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.

• Song me to sleep!

Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.

This salve invisibly softens emotional (and all forms of) scar tissue and rebuilds it as something new: a radiant protective boundary that knows about newness.

It gives you that “everything is better now” feeling, a little bit like when you give a kindergartener a bandaid that looks like balloons.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

Ambivalent French Clown.

They sound kind of like you’d expect. And of course, it’s just one guy.

Thank you, Richard.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Announcements coming soon.

In the meantime, I’ll say it again. The Monster Manual & Coloring Book. I live by this, and it’s why the mysteries and challenges of the week don’t get me down.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.