What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Into Perspective

Oh, hello day. I needed today. Did you?

Sweet friends, guess what I just realized!
Today is the second of February,
aka Groundhog Day aka The Festival of Do-Overs.

Superpower of Do-Overs Forever!

A breath for this.

We get to try things. A breath for this too.

Yes, we get to try things.
We get to try things again.
We get to try things slightly differently than we have tried them before.
We get to try similar things things and breathe differently, notice the difference,
notice the difference differently!

We get to try entirely new approaches and laugh at whatever happens.

NOW IS NOT THEN.

Sometimes now is eerily reminiscent of then,
but that’s just a reminder that we get Do-Overs,
yes, we can take a new approach this round,
similar challenge, another level of the video game.

Hey guess what, this moment is new.

Superpower of remembering that this moment is new,
a breath for this moment, a breath for its newness,
a breath for perspective.

As a favorite yoga teacher says each time we repeat a posture,
“We’ve been here before, but we’ve never been here before.”

Interestingly, all my favorite yoga teachers,
none of whom know each other and some of whom live in different cities,
have all been obsessively into repetition since the new year began,
maybe this is a clue about approach for this new level of the video game…

Repeat.

Repeat something familiar,
pay attention in a new way,
breathe deeper,
be a resonant bell,
can I allow breath and this question,
this moment of asking,
to turn me into a clear channel
for Curiosity, Receptivity, Playfulness, Wonder, Awe,
all the good in the universe,
glowing these qualities inward and outward,
letting them circulate through my body
and my life, amen.

What if the second/hundredth/thousandth time is the charm,
and what if this happens because I blinked my way into new eyes, new seeing,
hello beautiful awakening month of Perspective

What is mine…

On Saturday I drank wine with my favorite secret agent from Salt Lake
and somehow lost my favorite earring,
then spent three days scouring the streets,
searching everywhere I had been or might-have-been,
whispering a loving reminder in my heart that all is well,
breathing the superpower of Everything That Is Mine Returns To Me,
(and if it doesn’t return, it is not for me)

If it doesn’t return, it was just a beautiful clue, may I receive the redirection gracefully

Redirected.

On Tuesday, the earring was on my doorstep,
perfectly placed, apparently it had been
right in front of me the entire time,
it knows where I live.

Interestingly, along with the return of the earring,
a someone-who-was-gone came back into my life too.

An actual miracle — two miracles! — as well as
an excellent clue about PERSPECTIVE,
which incidentally is our magic word for February.

Thank you, miracles. Thank you, perspective. Thank you, returns and agents of return and agents who return. Gratitude also for the not-returning when that is right. I know so much more about this now than I did a year ago, and am thankful for the learning even if it hurt. Oh my sweet beautiful heart.

The month of Majesty brought us here, so let’s breathe for:

  • Majesty Into Perspective / Majestic Perspective / The Perspective From Majesty
  • What Does The World Look Like (and how does it react to me) when Crown is On and I expect everyone to see?
  • All the combined superpowers of both Maye Musk in her cosmic wonder, and Janelle Monae glowing her powers of Regal As Fuck at the Black Panther premier (she glows just by breathing, I love her), aka MY MAGNIFICENCE IS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, Wildly Glamorous Bond Villainess Goddess-Queen of Everything Leaving A Trail Of Devastation In My Wake and Incinerating All Bullshit Forever!
  • Thank you, Year of Fiery, for delivering this state of Constant Smolder, turned up to 11, my glow sparks are so fucking hot, full-time slow-burn smolder state!+
  • Surprise miracles and solutions everywhere
  • It All Gets Done With The Greatest of Ease!
  • Wild! Self! Treasuring!
  • Born To Smolder
  • I Treasure My Space, Inside & Out

Back to the moment of the moment.

The other day at the end of yoga, I was feeling,
hmmm, not sure if this feeling has words,
I was feeling passionately-intensely in love with myself,
as if my heart was a glowing love-beacon
and all its love was for me,
a fullness and richness of {love},
an incandescent flower-opening inside.

Then S said: the light in me delights in the light in you,
except I heard it as the delight in me delights in the delight in you,
light-hearted, light-and-delighted, lit up with love.

Lit up from within with love, love and more love.

I feel this in dance sometimes too,
maybe even especially when I dance with myself in the early morning dark,
sometimes I think oh god that was a good dance, I am a star, it is true,
and then I am all HEART EYE EMOJI about myself,
and this is an absolutely amazing feeling,
I wish for more of this perspective
in the Month of Perspective,
in this year of Triumphant,
and turning fiery-one years old!

How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Perspective?

May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.

Announcement! Well, more like a question!

Hey, remember when we took twelve days (okay it ended up being a bit longer) to immerse in Dedication, Illumination and Mystery? Would you like to do the same with Wild Self-Treasuring and other Majestic Perspectives of Big Self-Love?

If enough people want to play this way, I will set this up for February!

Happy second chances to all of us…

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Perspective or anything else, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

COME PLAY

A breath. There is so much I want to share with you right now, where do we begin.

With a thread, a flash, a moment, an image, a metallic strand in a tapestry, and then another one. Eventually whatever needs to come into form here will find its shape.

Creation is 90% faith in the creative process and a resulting willingness to let it be both creative and a process (everything is part of it, including the not-creating), and 10% pausing to breathe and be present with how intense it is to create or even think about creating, because self-expression is vulnerable, glorious, fraught, it is about identity and being real, and none of this is easy.

A thread, a flash, a moment.

Once upon a time I walked into a falling-apart forgotten ballroom in Berlin.

And another thread.

Dear part of me who thinks that if something good happens, something bad must follow…

 To be continued….

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Majesty, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

The Month of Majesty

content warning: heads up that in this piece there will be some talk at one point related to sexual assault, I do not go into detail because not the point and I don’t want my trauma to set off yours, however a strong force field is recommended if this is your stuff too, god knows it is for so many of us, please know that I am glowing love and sanctuary for you!

X vs not-X.

Today we are going to talk about the common if rarely acknowledged life phenomenon of [you decide you’re finally ready to have more X in your life and all you get is the opposite of X].

Haha, and in fact, sometimes you immediately receive the opposite of X, sometimes even in a swift and startling way that makes you question all your life choices.

So fun.

What is X?

Let X = a wish, a hope, something you really want, possibly a quality you’re calling in into your compass to accompany you through this new year.

You did the work of getting clear about what you want, sparklepoints for that!

You invited it into your life, which is brave, vulnerable, admirable.

And now you are receiving not-that! And presumably this feels frustrating and kind of depressing, very understandable that you’d feel that way if you do.

This is a thing that happens, a lot, so let’s take a look at it. With love and with breath.

Maybe we can find some solace, some sweet reassurance, and even more Crown On for the month of Majesty.

First we breathe.

Right, yes, I remember now. This is what it feels like to pay attention to where I live, feel this life force circulating through this container of my body, this body of water and emotion, inhale, exhale.

Breathing to draw attention back to being in a body, which is extra hard when we are lost in the world of screens.

Hi, body, what do you need right now? Hello, temporarily-forgotten sense-memory of embodied.

8 breaths.

A breath of Trust-love. A breath of I Am Here Now.
A breath for Clarity. A breath for we’ve got this, babe.
A breath of how much more gentle can I be with myself and my process.
A breath for even if this is hard to do, hey I’m trying and that is meaningful.
A breath (and a kiss) for X and all the beautiful challenging mysteries of X.
A breath that is a loving heart-sigh for this magnificent heart.

Ah. Better.

We are so courageous even when we forget.

Wishing is subversive and brave, it is courageous and against-culture to make room for ourselves to desire, to want what we want, to investigate our wantings.

I say this often and it is true.

It is hard enough to want, to admit the wanting, to make room for a wish, to welcome it in.

And then when we suddenly receive seemingly the opposite of our wish, that is scary and frustrating and sometimes we don’t want to wish wishes anymore.

I have heard this sentiment reverberate many times throughout the past thirteen (!) years doing this work here. People tell me they feel too wary, too reluctant, too worn down to wish wishes or seed a quality or make a compass, for fear of getting the opposite of X, instead of the X they crave.

A breath for this.

The head pain from a displaced crown.

I called in Majesty as the quality for January, and immediately was hit with every possible boundary-related challenge.

Crown On is the ongoing practice of maintaining my own sense of sovereignty and awareness of agency. And suddenly I had to activate this in every single interaction in my day.

This month has come with endless migraines from people trying be in my head and guess what I might be thinking instead of peacefully staying in their own headspace and using their actual words to communicate.

This of course is a fairly common complication or side effect of being witchy/spectrum-ey/hsp, but I usually have a handle on it. In fact, I thought I’d mostly solved this one for good.

But nope, as soon as the month of Majesty began, so did the return of the migraines, as well as a whole parade of what I call WUSIT, which is an acronym for What Unsovereign Shit Is This.

What is the opposite of Majesty?

On New Years Eve, someone kissed me without my consent, and it goes beyond that because they told me in advance of their plan to kiss me at midnight and I said nope, please do not, I don’t want that, trusting that they understood because we are friends, but then they did it anyway.

Not okay.

Then a total stranger grabbed me into a hug I didn’t agree to and kissed me on the cheek like lalalala HAPPY NEW YEAR, as if this is not 2018 where we all know that consent not only matters, but is everything. I pushed him away, like, dude wtf, but it had already happened.

Then…

After yoga, in the sauna, some dude thought it would be a good idea to tell me about his evening at Hooters the night before. (If you are in Australia or another place where this blessedly does not exist, I believe it is the restaurant responsible for the truly terrible term “breastaurant”).

Anyway, he felt entitled to share with me the details/intensity of the desire he feels towards busty women in short shorts in general and the women who work there in particular. While I, a woman matching that exact description, was stuck in a sauna with him, super awesome.

I gave him the look of ew, and he backtracked, but I am wishing for the retroactive superpowers that would have allowed me to slice through my momentary paralysis and respond with something more direct, like WOW INAPPROPRIATE DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OR ANY WOMAN LIKE THIS OR MAYBE AT ALL EVER.

But of course there is all the programming we have to do from being immersed in rape culture, and I was just trying to remove myself safely from this situation.

And, thanks to related cultural conditioning and internalized misogyny which is also bullshit, was deeply regretting wearing shorts, even though hot yoga is hot, as are saunas, and also I think we can all agree that pants are nonsense, especially in a sauna.

Three sweaters, at least.

And then I cried in the hallway outside, remembering how everyone in the yoga community blamed me after I was assaulted at my very first yoga teaching job.

They said the combination of my too-much over-the-top body and tight clothing (yoga clothes, people, that’s how they fit) had given the studio owner the “wrong idea”, so really the awful things he did could have been avoided if I’d just had the good sense to cover up.

Ugh why would anyone say that, even if it were true, which it’s not. What Unsovereign Shit Is This.
Goodbye forever to this victim-blaming slut-shaming hurtful nonsense.

And for a time I too believed maybe it was the fault of my external container, so, after it happened I only did yoga in sweats and long dresses and sweaters, for a little over a decade, and really, fuck that shit forever.

Treasure.

My container is a magnificent miracle of life and aliveness, and, more importantly, it is mine.

Let me be very clear on this:

Anyone who can’t respect — and treasure — my space, my body, my knowing of self, my decisions, my agency and autonomy can exit my life immediately and forever.

This unwavering certainty is the distilled essence of the month of Majesty.

Comfort.

Someone I only-sort-of-know saw me crying and came to sit by me.

He asked, very respectfully and with kindness, if I wanted a hug or someone to sit and listen, and I did want that, I wanted both those things in that moment, and was happy to receive them and happy for the offer.

So thank you, treasure and comfort that show up to meet my pain. Thank you, experiences of crown-off that make up the circuitous labyrinth path to restoring my sense of crown.

Another friend said maybe I can imagine this like a test, now that I have done all the work on it, this is the next level of the video game, a way to see if I can react better and let it go. Maybe. But still, it’s not okay!

The perils of people-pleasing tendencies aka the opposite of majesty.

I ran into someone I always enjoy running into and gave her my number, because hey maybe some time we could go dancing or catch K’s show together, and I want to come hear her sing.

Except she started sending me daily inspirational motivational-quote texts, and whoa how do I opt out of this, I did not consent to this onslaught of unsolicited affirmations.

Except then of course I got caught-up in people-pleasing (my own WUSIT popping up to meet hers!) and wanting to honor her kind loving intention, so I didn’t set a clear boundary or expectation even though that was what I needed.

Majesty!

It is the month of crown on and everything majestic!

This includes celebrating my own majesty, and my relationship with my internal kingdom — the beautiful complex worlds of my mind, my heart, my intuitive knowing, my memories and experiences, my wishes, my life.

And, thanks to this phenomenon of The Opposite Of X, it is also the month of setting boundaries, the month of clearing my space, and circumventing migraine-situations.

Is the month of Majesty kicking my ass? Yes and no.

It is revealing. It is showing me where my crown is not, showing me where and how to look, with kindness.

Phenomenon.

People like to use various theories of reality to explain the phenomenon of getting the opposite of your wish, but let’s avoid those and keep it simple.

At the most basic level, when we direct our attention to desire in the form of wishing a wish, we are more inclined to notice what isn’t working. And there are monsters.

And when we clear the crud from something, we notice just how much crud before we can see the clearing and the effects of the clearing. Sometimes it kind of just looks like all crud, because so much is coming off to be released.

And, just like walking a labyrinth, the moment when you perceive that you are farthest from center is when you are closest to arriving at the crux of it. A passage that takes you to the edge in order to take you to center.

Just like how boundary work is part of my path to majesty.

What is useful about getting not-what-we-want?

+ when part of the process of towards is away
+ new sight / new perspective
+ whoosh goodbye old layers of crud
+ observing the pattern changes the pattern
+ intention sets newness into motion, I can play with how I react and respond
+ how much kindness can I bring to the observing
+ how do I practice Wild Self-Treasuring even (especially!) in these moments of oh hey this is the opposite of my wish, bringing me closer to the essence of what I wish for

Can we plant some superpowers?

All In Good Timing
Add Compassion And Let It Sit Overnight
So Courageous Of Us To Want What We Want (sparklepoints!)
Whatever We Learn From The Absence Will Bring Us To Treasure
It Is Safe To Learn About My Desires
What A Beautiful Practice
Crown On Crown On Crown On
Glowing These Beautiful Boundaries Until They Hold Themselves
I Perceive Myself With The Loving Eyes & Loving Heart Of Incoming Me

A breath and a bell for this. Resonance resonance resonance.

Welcome, month of Majesty, you are treasure and treasured.

I told a story on Twitter this week when I heard that we lost Dolores O’Riordan, and I will tell you too.

Can’t remember when this was, must be somewhere between 1999 and 2002. A guy in the audience climbed up on stage and she immediately shoved him away from her, shoved him hard, and bolted off-stage.

We stood and waited. However many minutes later, she came back.

She said something like “anyone fucking tries that shit again and we are DONE here”, then immediately switched gears and continued a kickass show out under the stars, such a beautiful night, love her.

I admire her so much, for many things, but right now, especially in this month of Majesty, for that.

For taking care of herself in the moment, for taking care of herself first, for not pausing to consider anything other than protecting her space. Let’s all live by Safety First. Let’s protect our space first.

I WANT TO ALWAYS TREASURE MY PERSONAL SPACE AS MUCH AS SHE DID.

How is that for a just-right wish to accompany the month of Majesty?

May it be so, for all of us, and even better than that.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on the theme of Majesty, and of course we can seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for this month, trusting that they will indeed come in even after revealing some opposites, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

what do I love towards

2017

in yoga, a few days before the new year, Em said to us,
“if you had a terrible unpleasant painful year,
please know that you are not alone,
we are going to make it through, together
we are going to coast our way there”

a toast to company, and the superpower of coasting

a door into the new year

this year I am asking new questions,
less about what I want, what I think I want, etc,
and more along the lines of:

how do I want to care for myself,
how can I treasure myself

a toast to wild self-treasuring
even/especially in troubled times

treasures

a toast to all the treasure from 2017 received through painful experiences
like the treasure of way the hell more self-respect
found through learning what it is like
to lose it completely,
(ha yes, I meant the self-respect,
but sure, I also lost it completely in all senses of that phrase)
no more will I make room in my life for
people who will not make room for me,
— did it hurt to learn this? yes! —
but it is still treasure,
a toast to the good that comes from the hard,
here’s to the new good coming from good

we made it to the threshold, friends

good lord it was a toxic shitstorm of a year
not just politically but also personally,
for me it helps to remember that we all felt this

a toast to remembering that the pain/fear/anxiety/
is legitimate and understandable, and connected to bigger stuff going on than
just exceptionally bad luck or terrible life decisions

a toast to setting it all on fire,
and to breathing in light

small sweet surprises

I got piercings in my ears from someone who told me that
her only life goal is BE MORE FORMIDABLE
(she was nailing it by the way, I want this too)
and surprised myself by falling in love with motorcycles,
returned to yoga after a long time away,
undid an addiction,
discovered that hitting a punching bag feels amazing,
turned things upside down,
changed states (geographically and in all ways)
started over

a toast to BE MORE FORMIDABLE
a toast to changing states
and the equilibrium within the disruption

fountains

I drove all day from a tiny town in Kentucky to Chicago
sure this was a terrible mistake but this terrible mistake led to a
3am improvised dance so transcendent and so magical that
my new dance friend and I abandoned the floor
to spend the next two hours
moving to breath and music by the water fountain,
in awe of the dance-life force itself

a toast to discovery, good surprises, and Nothing Is Wrong

a toast

thank you for the good, the brave,
the moments from this past year that glow in my memory,
the moments I remembered to breathe into my heart,
may the good light the way to more good and help me remember
that not everything in this challenging year was awful,
to approach this new year with crown restored

a toast to raise and rays
and something better

yes, crown restored

Incoming Me keeps showing up to whisper
(sometimes it’s more like shouting),
and she always says the same thing:

the time has come to reinstate and reawaken your
UNWAVERING SENSE OF SELF WORTH!

god I love her

a toast to knowing that she is right

berlin

once upon a time I was a smoker who lived in tel aviv
and was planning a move to berlin,
and I knew that berlin-me did not smoke,
but I didn’t know how to make the passage,
wanting to trust this deep certainty inside of me,
but also wary

I can’t remember how close to the move it happened,
if it was days or weeks,
but I boarded the plane, cravings alive,
and on the other side, I was free,
haven’t desired one since,
though sometimes I still smoke in my dreams

I need this new year to work like that flight to berlin,
the toxic inhalations of loving-and-missing someone
who loves me back but will never put that love first,
or even move it towards the top of their list,
the aching and the fury
all that is over on the other side of the door

a toast to the other side

new

In 2018 the addictive pull of desiring sweetness and
feeling hurt/angry at its mysterious disappearance,
the need for the sweetness and for the anger
all this does not exist, because here on this side of the door
I breathe better air

a toast to right timing and to process and to
what you do not feed will not grow

up in the air

so much I’d hoped would be resolved
is still up in the air
and so I am taking a new approach,
no more asking WHAT IS THE ANSWER,
no more PLEASE COME IN, SOLUTION,
I am deciding there is no bad answer,
I go with what feels most indicated based on gut yes
and the best intel I have in the moment,
and hey, if it is all in the air,
then I will rise and play in the air,
an aerialist who draws power from all directions

do-overs

my new years eve was mostly terrible but that’s okay because
we get do-overs
that’s how it works, right?
pretty sure there’s a thirty day grace period
let’s test this theory, friends, come join me!

every time someone asks me how new years eve went,
I have been honest and said MEDIOCRE
and then they laugh and say that theirs was too,
so apparently I am not the only one in need
of giving it another go

a toast to hey we tried a thing and it wasn’t yes, let’s try again, cut, take 2!

what do I love towards

I was thinking about the plane-to-berlin phenomenon,
and typed the question what do I move towards…
except what I actually wrote was what do I love towards,
which might be the most beautiful and poignant typo I’ve ever made

what do I want/choose to love towards?!

pleasure/freedom/adventure/play
on my terms
feeing peaceful and powerful,
at ease in my life,
fullness in my thank-you heart,
thank you for this life, this aliveness-of-life,
this glow-state of breath

a toast to turning inward and glowing outward

love

love to all you friends here,
everyone who had it rough this year,
those in the “it’s only going to get worse” camp and also the
“it really fucking has to get better” camp,
despair + hope + all of the big real feelings are intense,
and we get endless cascading sparklepoints for being present with what is

I love you
thank you for your companionship in 2017
(which was a nonsense year), and
let us wish loving wishes for this new year,
may we ease our way in and take
exquisite care of ourselves
as we can when we can to the best of our ability

a toast to us

xox

p.s. you are welcome to seed new year wishes in the comments or share anything sparked for you!

forever candle

dark

I woke up the other morning deep in solstice-adjacent despair,
an absolutely perfect turn of phrase that I am borrowing from Erin,
and (until she gave it a name and I realized what it was),
it was painful and baffling

But yes, of course,
it is terribly dark (in this hemisphere)
(but also, like, metaphorically)
(and in the news)
and all too much,
and this burrowing is a form of cocoon,
these days of passage from one year to the next,
when reflection — both the candlelight kind and the turning-inward,
is most needed but we are also busy, with holidays and
end-of-year scrambling,
and we are tired and culture wants us to
see all the people and make resolutions or take up running or whatever,
and it is all completely exhausting

clues revealed during a long sweet yoga

can I emanate good thoughts like incense around me
can I trust what is resonant (and do this through being more resonant)
what if illuminated is eliminated?
a flash of an image: lighting a bonfire,
igniting all that is no longer yes, letting it burn away with ease, bye

if it is anything less than real, less than vulnerable, less than sweetness-and-love, then goodbye

clues from a dance lesson

apply ease
move a little to get a lot
DO LOTS OF NOTHNG while increasing connection
breathe the dance
and if you’re too tired to implement the new learning, just go home and rest, babe
(no point in reinforcing old muscle memory)
(and anyway rest is a door to integration)

noticing

this month has been so intensely stressful that I’ve actually stopped stressing over
the usual things, most things in fact, as if a limit was reached, and that is that,
no room left to care about that stuff,
so now I am calm and steady where I used to be tense,
because I just do not have any more bandwidth to fret/obsess
about any of the things that used to matter to me

I go to bed and ask for things to solve themselves while I sleep,
come on secret solutions,
do your thing
because I can’t,
and I’m fine with that

what needs to change in my environment?

I asked this question, skipping it like a stone, of my secret mystery project,
which has to do with climbing,
but I’m not sure yet if that is metaphorical or not

me: hey mysterious project, what needs to change in my environment?
project: you could go UP!
me: I could??
project: you could, yeah!
me: up like upstairs, out of the subterranean spaces? up like higher ground? up like raise the price? up in the air? aerialist time? up like drive north and stay with J?
project, happily: SURE!
me: that is not helpful at all, friend, come on
project: you own a trampoline! you know about ascending! you need a raise! you need to rise! lots of things rise: bread but also smoke! heat rises! raise the roof!
me: whoa

a year ago

the librarian in the tiny utah town asked what my word for 2017 was
and I said FIERY, because turning fiery sounds
more fun than turning forty
she looked wary

are you sure, she said, because
you know you will get to know all aspects of fire,
not just the ones you want

I didn’t care, burn it all down,
I want passion and sparks,
intensity and wild beauty,
sure, let what needs to be destroyed be destroyed,
I will ride off into the sunset
and LET IT BURN

and of course you know what happened next
my beautiful love story immediately went up in flames
along with my ability to trust (myself? anyone?),
or even do basic life stuff like feed myself,
I forgot how to eat, how to even desire nourishment,
I became intimately close (closer than I wanted to be) with rage, fury, intensity,
I drove from the oregon coast to the red river gorge in kentucky,
and screamed at the sky

do I regret my word? not even slightly
turning fiery has brought me to this powerful peaceful certainty,
this smoldering, this fierceness, this vitality of life

among the fiery learnings of this year

  • oh how I love a bonfire
  • emergence: the phoenix rising from the ashes is powerful, shining, glistening in the light
  • yes, I can still build a fire quickly and efficiently and keep it going all night, I recently surprised a Nebraska farmer with this skill left over from the long winter of coal ovens, in a mostly-abandoned building in Berlin, so there
  • I can breathe towards the place of fire in me, tending it with love and breath, my this is my eternal flame which, translated from hebrew is my forever-light or really my forever-candle, I can let my breath become brighter, I can let my internal space fill with light, I can remember that I am made of particles of light, a vessel made to house light
  • burning down is not the same as over, the volcanic eruption of Mt St Helens, not that far from where I live, destroyed its surroundings, nothing left, life reduced to the microbe level, but just five years later tiny tree frogs, little flowers, life found its way back, everything might have been on fire in me this year but life will win
  • see what is reflected in the flames, gather around a new hearth space

rising

yes it has been a FIERY RISING
this year of Turning Fiery,
this year of lava flow and emergence

a year of FIERY is ready to change form,
as the year of TRIUMPHANT comes in
what needs to happen for this to take place,
how does the door of ease open the passage?

intention

I am taking DO LOTS OF NOTHING as my theme,
when my dance teacher tells me to do this she means[move less, react less, be patient, hang out and see],
and this is a lovely theme for ease and easing

but also I am thinking about how
hibernating is rejuvenating,
and how seeds do their thing under the surface
long before we see flowers and fruit,
can I do more nothing with powerful intention,
can I do nothing triumphantly,
trusting in the less and the ease,
trusting in the purpose, the intent, the seeds

I am a forever candle / in me: a forever candle

a compass of opening to ease

OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN TO EASE
OPEN (SESAME!) TO EASE

light and light-hearted

days are getting longer now (in this hemisphere at least,
waving to my friends on the other side, passing you candles),
the sun came out today and melted most of the ice

what do I want

a solution to the mysteries, a solution so brilliant and sparkling that I
clap my hands with delight

a new refuge, a new sense of what that might be

the right people to sit with me around a fire

fewer projects, only the ones I feel intensely passionate towards

to feel the forever-candle in my heart, its warmth and glow

to breathe sweetness for myself

faith in the [aliveness of life, the spark of love], how it finds its way through fire and through all obstacles, real and perceived, all I need to do is keep breathing into my heart

light more candles

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you in this salve,
or seed any wishes, intentions or desired superpowers for the year to come,
glow love for Incoming You, whatever you like…

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads.