What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

(on the) horizon

horizon

where to begin when I can’t stop going in circles?

let’s pause and ask a different question: when is it useful to go in circles?

when the circle is a labyrinth, a spiral, a compass

aka my favorite things

okay, let’s breathe into the roundness and begin with a clue

into the circle

a clue and a beginning

if you put cattle in a rectangular enclosure, they do not like it

but make the edges round and the world makes sense again for them

doesn’t that sound sweet and amazing, the world making sense again

even for a moment

shape = home

horses too: give them roundness and they’ll stop freaking out and know exactly what to do

they will lope in a circle once you give them a circle

nature doesn’t do rectangles or square edges; those shapes are baffling when you are a mammal

and I am (a baffled mammal)

same

we are mammals, and so it makes sense

it makes sense that we too are calmed and comforted by circles and archways

rounded edges and contained spaciousness feel good

we circle home and circle back

we are circulating (breath) + circumnavigating (the sun)

can you feel how we are homing our way home

obviously the People Vary principle applies, if charts-graphs-lines, structured cube things etc are calming for you, good intel for making joyful adjustments!

calmed by roundness

back to cattle and horses: angles disrupt the flow of a moving herd, but it is so much more than that

the radius of rounded corners prevents anxiety and keeps them calm

arches and circles and round shapes are familiar, they bring us home

see also: Temple Grandin on humane livestock handling

roundness is the encompassing compass

arches and canopies

all month long I thought about horizon

and now I have a better understanding of the image past-me chose for this month

transitions can be intense but breathe and love this rounded archway as you cross through

what if horizon is not just possibility embodied but also a passage of roundness

a passage through and into roundness

emergence + beginnings + home (what is home?)

and really if you think about it, we came from roundness

this can mean so many things but let’s start with these: cells, womb, source

O

Georgia, Georgia

we literally push our way out of a rounded aperture into the world

a round door into the world

and I just had a vivid flash of imagery, it is wonderful and bizarre and I probably shouldn’t share it but here it is:

vulva is forever Georgia O’Keefe flowering, but the vagina (canal!) is a perfect hobbit house door

Georgia on my mind, yup, all kinds of things on my mind…

let us passage our way through the round

Martha, Martha

because Tom Waits knows about longing (sound)

and looking back instead of forward

this is related to horizon too and I don’t really wish to say more about this now

but it’s a reminder for me to let what was be what was, over and done

eyes up, babe: the road ahead is beautiful and, more importantly, it is yours

(other) things that are or can be round

a compass / a labyrinth / sound / an orgasm / a bell

this is also a list of things that reverberate

and a list of all that is holy, playful, joyful, real

a list of what this Havi Bell loves most in life

really it is the perfect list, no more lists are needed ever the end amen

what else is round or rounded

+ river rocks (which are really skipping stones!)
+ when you blow a soap bubble and it floats above you, perfect and iridescent
+ a porthole
+ a button
+ the reverberating om which is also a homecoming
+ love*

* this last one might be a synesthesia thing, in the category of huh, well, this is true for me

love, for me, is always round

and, while we’re at it, let us appreciate kidney-shaped things like a baby’s feet and sometimes a swimming pool

nature abhors a vacuum and has no time for a box

this is funny to me right now, nature is constantly like, “you know what, fuck your right angles

I can’t stop thinking about this intrinsic mammalian need of ours for roundness vs how we actually live

aka cubicle culture and city planning on a grid

we construct boxes to live in, we drive around in little boxes

and we are anxious and do not know why

roundness: enter here

I am happiest in round spaces but you know this already

do you remember how once I whispered (here!) about this secret knowing

I am made of round houses

just round the edges and all is well

the horizon is unknown and unknowable and also, somehow:

what if all is well?

and I am well

also I am a well

in the sense of [body of water] and in the sense of [source / connection to source]

a well of well-being, a bell of bell-being

roundness for resonance

what happens when the edges are wrong

like the confused cattle I have been winding myself into a knot of [nothing makes sense]

and then the monster chorus starts in with their repetitive chant

aka Everything Is Hopeless, Again, Because You Fucked It All Up

the right response (for me) is always in roundness, a circle of safe space

I place myself inside of a compass and breathe my way to peacefulness, presence + glow

a returning and a remembering

I want to share with you some of what I learned in this month of horizons

(1) my friend Alon took a three year period to recover from Situation X + solve Mystery Y, and ON THE LAST DAY he suddenly knew the answer to all of it, now this happened for me after three years of mostly wandering-and-wondering and letting my house go which means now I live nowhere (haha, even more so than ever before), the Month of Horizon came in and I suddenly know both what I want and where I want to be

(2) everything got solved while walking backwards, I will tell you about this next time

(3) my uncle built a tiny hexagonal cabin in the woods when I was very little, it is made of roundness and magic, I visited it yesterday and the path was so overgrown as to be invisible but my body remembered how to get there

(4) it is time for TRUTH-TELLING, to get out and be hard to find but also to stop hiding

(5) so here it is: I am the witchiest-witch in my full witchiness which is to say I am maybe a forest nymph and definitely a panther, and, just like the hexagonal cabin, I am made of roundness and magic

(6) I will read labyrinths for you, more on this later

(7) my heart is full of love, for you, and for life, and for this wild adventure of each day is a door

(8) this month a lot of past wishes came true, things that have been long-wished-for and then they suddenly showed up just as the time came to sail off into the horizon

breathing the superpowers of horizon

+ expansiveness
+ clarity
+ presence: yes I am here for this adventure in progress
+ discovery elements
+ appreciating everything that is in the process of being revealed
+ rounded edges
+ clean clear boundaries benefit everyone, just round them
+ we can do this: breathe breathe breathe
+ how can I care even more lovingly for this mammal body
+ hey friend, how is your heart?
+ let us get to the heart of things
+ and let us do this with patience, trust in the winding path
+ chrysalis for safety, for emergence, for magic
+ there is time for {this}

hast du etwas zeit für mich? / dann singe ich ein lied für dich / Von 99 luftballons / auf ihrem weg zum horizont

glad you are here, friend

(invitation to play here + pre-announcement for play later)

announcements coming soon, including: labyrinth-readings! compass-poetry distance sessions (tell me what your compass is and I will do a deep-dive into it and share what I learn), and a shared online communal adventure related to my current Bond Girl mission of Operation Further Reductions / Gain In Powers

in the meantime, comments are open…
you are welcome as always to share appreciation or anything sparked for you, anything coming up about horizon, any wishes for the month to come

here’s how we meet each other here: with warmth, and without care-taking or advice-giving

heart-glow for you and everyone who reads: thank you for being here

buoyancy

(0) beginnings and opposites

I am thinking about [things],
and noticing my strong reluctance to share any of them,
whether here and with you or at all,
reluctance is an understatement,
I want more than anything to turtle and hide,
to run and not look back,
and so I am going to breathe love and
DO THE OPPOSITE

let’s be here now
let’s be here, now

(0, again) entry into entry

The intentional practice of
Oh Hey What If We Do The Opposite is
one way — not the only way, just a good way —
to interrupt a pattern, which is what we do here,
or at least a big part of we do,
so let’s honor the spirit of lovingly interrupting
these old and spiraling patterns

(0.5) words about words

I want to find where courage lives in me and share with you
some bits and pieces of what is
currently weighing on my mind*

[CURRENT] is a big word right now, as is [WEIGHS],
there might be an entire novel’s worth of information
to explore and unpack in just these two words alone,
but for now it is hard enough to
to sit here with you, breathe, share,
let’s begin where we can

yes this is important: we begin where we can

(1) ballast

I am thinking about the word BALLAST
aka anything we might let go of in order to rise up
or sail safely,
and also how scary it can be,
both the act of tossing-overboard
and the soaring itself,
the commitment required for that moment of
letting it go which is also the moment of
agreeing to embark, and not only embark but
directly into the unknown

(2) emptying

a flash of memory, a story I heard or read,
a couple decided to get rid of their belongings,
go live on the road in a tiny teardrop trailer,
they reduced to the most minimal basic essentials
but when the day came to set off, they discovered
it was still far too much, maybe two or three times
what would fit, they just started flinging things out,
left half their life by the side of the road,
they said they never missed any of it

(3) mixed

my own feelings with regards to this story are (at least right now)
complicated, chaotic, messy, uncomfortable,
I wrote and then erased many words around
the magic beans of privilege involved in
this particular genre of Letting Go,
how it becomes distorted and commodified

the entire culture of fetishized minimalism as #inspo can die in a fire as far as I’m concerned

(4) now

this is not theoretical for me at the moment though,
you could say it strikes close to home
though also far from home
as I now find myself
in this exact situation though not by design

(4.5) timing

my home is [gone] I have exited and do not yet know
where I might be headed

whatever does not fit in my car is not joining me on this mission
it has to exit my life because it cannot come along
though also because I am allergic to storage units,
and April has been an impossible game of tetris:
no matter how much I say goodbye to,
there somehow still seems to always be slightly more than a carload,
and this needs to magically resolve itself today

(5) hmmmm

there is another piece to this too
while solo adventuring is both most indicated and my actual desire,
I still find myself longing for a someone who will say
HEY THIS IS GOING TO BE — and is! — A GRAND ADVENTURE,
AND YOU ARE THE GRANDEST OF GRAND ADVENTURERS
as they kiss me goodbye and tuck my hair behind my ear,
glowing love for me and my voyage

noticing how painful it is to watch myself
wishing this wish, but then I remember:
I can let Incoming Me say this to me,
after all, she is my greatest love and I am hers,
forever-companions in wild aliveness and remembering truth

(6) uplifting

I am thinking about BUOYANCY,
the word for April, and how
it keeps coming up unexpectedly,
in every single yoga class I have been to,
the instructor will suddenly say
let your pelvis feel buoyant,
then a found note in familiar handwriting:

YOU CAN HAVE GROUNDING & BUOYANCY AT THE SAME TIME!

(6.5) flow

and now I am thinking about Virginia Woolf and
“I am rooted, but I flow”

(7) beginning with B

Ballast and Buoyancy and Bukowski
here is Tom Waits reading the laughing heart,
another heart clue, this one delivered by
someone who later revealed their own heart
in a way that was disorienting and disappointing
and scary

I am worn down from the work of boundaries,
another word that begins with b,
let’s breathe a new question:
what is the treasure in
being done with how things were?

(8) breath-blessing

breathing the blessing of agreeing to let trauma follow the door,
watch it unwind its way out of my body,
new breath, new balance,
the dance of ballast and buoyancy
being being being
a flower unfolding,
learning to trust again

breathing for my heart,
breathing for healing,
breathing for believing

(9) believing

I am at the coast communing with the bridge,
this is what I do when I forget about buoyancy,
the bridge told me the next step is believing

to believe I get to have so much more and better
than what I currently (there’s that word again)
accept as the bare minimum baseline of respectful,
believe this and keep believing it
until we no longer encounter any of the people who
think their wanting takes precedence
over me, my sense of comfort, my sense of safety!

believe this and live it
amen forever may it be so

(11) believe, again

a forever-clue from Maya Angelou:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”

haha the thing where I’m like “oh yeah that was a red flag but it’s probably fine”, let’s stop doing that

(11.5) believe your heart

oh this clue from Marie Kondo:
“Believe what your heart tells you when you ask.”

remembering to ask, this is the heart-felt work of life

(x) nameless

this number doesn’t have a name because it is unknown,
a wild card number!
here is what it wants me to tell you:

the labyrinth said BELIEVE TO RECEIVE
and then it laughed
I heard a bell inside me

(12) bell-tower

my heart is a bell and my body is the belltower,
no, I am the belltower, all of me,
I am the home for a bell,
my mission is to create the best possible conditions
for resonance

for me, being a belltower is about inhabiting my body
(prowess for grounding)
(grounding for buoyancy)
but I am also a belltower of emotion
ringing and resounding, letting feeling reverberate through me,
and I am a belltower of mental clarity
and a belltower of ringing spirit
fully embodied and resonant, clear and here,
feet to crown

hello life: I am here for this moment

(13) what is a buoy

it floats but is also self-grounding
a marker and therefore a boundary (!)
not to mention
completely at home in flow-state

oh month of buoyancy
you hold so much more than I’d realized

(14) the rally of further reductions

I am deep-dive immersed in the missions of further reductions,
not only the letting go of everything that can’t come with me,
but letting myself get lost in the vastness
of exploring what else this might mean,
what is or might be contained within[Further + Reduction]

REDUCTION feels like magic, an incantation
FURTHER says please continue

(14.5) incantations

REDUCTION like releasing: again, let go of ballast to soar
REDUCTION like a sauce: you have less but you get more (taste! intensity! delight!)
REDUCTION like down to basics
REDUCTION like INDUCTION
REDUCTION like RE-GROUNDING
REDUCTION like release to receive
REDUCTION like exhale to let it out of psyche
REDUCTION like reduce distractions aka Clear The Path To Clear The Path
REDUCTION like a fire sale, or maybe a moving sale
REDUCTION is Luscious Minimalism, Less to Yes, Pleasure In Freedom

let’s bring in the new, now there’s space

(15) the wrong question

I am so tired of being asked where I am going next
and even more tired of the answer
I DO NOT KNOW I DO NOT KNOW
(stop asking please, I will know when I know),
okay so what is a new and better question

I want to experience this adventure of horizons
as buoyant and uplifting, exciting, expansive,
and yet constantly being asked and having no answer feels awful,
the question of where feels tight and cramped in my heart

maybe it is time for a really good cover story
maybe Question of Where is my cover band (cover band!)

(16) the price is right

A friend in Seattle said, and I am sharing this without context because
I can’t remember the context and also it doesn’t matter:

“The Price Is Right is basically the best sexual and romantic relationship I’ve ever had. THAT WHEEL. Will they get a dollar?! Will they go over or under?! The anticipation?!”

(16.5) a state of

this is how I want to feel about
not knowing where I am going, or when, or for how long,
I just want to reside in a state of delicious anticipation

(17) what if I have been wrong about everything

what if I have been wrong about this perceived high-stress
situation of not knowing what is happening or what the plan is?
what if this is actually a very fun, playful and fulfilling
situation of not knowing what is happening,
what if I could feel buoyancy, lightness,
excited sparks about the not knowing?

(17.5) labyrinth

I went to the labyrinth at the wildlife refuge,
and it said HEY DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BUOYANCY IS,
it said, BUOYANCY IS THE PRACTICE OF KEEPING THINGS AFLOAT,
YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO FLOAT ON THE CURRENT,
YOU HAVE JUST FORGOTTEN THE PART WHERE YOU HAVE TO
PRIORITIZE KEEPING YOURSELF EASILY AFLOAT

(18) lightness: light and light hearted

then had this same exact realization in yoga with Em,
I have been making all the simple things complicated
and all the light things not-light,
what if I don’t need to solve anything,
just follow the next indicated step of[get outdoors, be in the sun] and listen to what is next

(yes) I will know when I know

I will know when I know,
flowering and emerging
floating and grounding,
sailing and seeding,
this is the life of buoyancy,
close your eyes,
breathe your way back to bell state,
awaken as a new bell
follow your light heart of light
go live in a light house
and fill space with light

ah what beautiful wishes
may it be so or something even better!

Announcement!

We need to hold a MOVING SAIL/SALE which is a funny (to me) phrase, moving the sails in order to move with the sails and be moved [somewhere], I cannot wait to find out what will move in me, and in us. Have not yet had time to sit with my heart until I feel what is most yes to offer, here is what came up in my scribbled notes for consideration so far, feel free to feel into what among this might be yes for you and share that in the comments if you like…

(1) bring back old products for this month!
(2) an shared online communal adventure (like the two weeks we spend on Wild Self-Treasuring) but for spring cleaning ops and other missions of releasing and clearing space!
(3) compass-poetry distance sessions (tell me what your compass is and I will do a deep-dive into it and share what I learn)

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, seed wishes for the month of Buoyancy and beyond.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

It’s okay to clean before writing. Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

Someone made a joke on Twitter about a cleaning service staffed entirely by writers on deadline.

I get the joke, I laughed, I’m just so bone-weary of the existence of this entire category of “haha procrastination, look we’re procrastinating again” humor which, instead of punching outward towards our distorted culture of guilt and self-recrimination, punches inward, reinforcing the internalized cultural shame around Not Doing and Not Done Yet.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

This is not procrastinating, it’s clearing the way to be able to write what is coming in-and-through, but not here yet. Clearing space is one way to welcome in what needs saying.

This is what we do.

Here’s what I want to know.

How are we still agreeing to make ourselves feel bad for Not Doing when we could be dismantling this bullshit nonsense culture that says only Doing has value and anything that doesn’t look like the right kind of doing is a reason to feel embarrassed and publicly apologize for being terrible humans, let’s decide we’ve had enough.

When are we going to change our culture and the air we breathe?

What will it take to stop berating ourselves for [things that look like not doing the thing], and begin to celebrate all the ways that [doing this other thing supports doing the thing] even if maybe it doesn’t look like it on the surface but that’s only because we aren’t used to looking with wise and loving eyes…

The cleaning is for the writing!

When are we going to acknowledge, collectively and individually, that choosing cleaning when we think we are supposed to be writing is not in fact cleaning instead of writing or cleaning to avoid writing. It’s for the writing!

What is cleaning anyway?

We can use our wise loving writer-hearts and thoughtful writer-minds to feel into this question, use it as a writing prompt, let it skip like a stone in the waters of consciousness. What is cleaning?

You are welcome to share what arises for you when you give Writer You (or Artist You or Dancer You or Wise Business Owner You) this question, with clarity and compassion.

I will tell you what I know about cleaning…

It is clearing space for what needs to come in. Clearing out to invite in.

Clearing. Space. For whatever needs to come in.

In a symbolic sense? Sure, but symbolic matters. We’re writers after all.

And we are humans. Making a shift in external space always influences our internal landscape, and the same is true the other way round. In fact, sometimes the best thing we can do for writing-mind is clean.

What is cleaning?

Cleaning is TABULA RASA.

Cleaning is NEW BEGINNINGS.

Cleaning is SORTING OUT AND THROUGH.

Cleaning is a physical way to soothe the mental/emotional/energy craving for that sensation of blank space and open horizon which help us access our most creative selves.

Cleaning is a way to access quiet mind, set a new internal rhythm, our breath changes while we wash dishes.

Guess what, based on EVERYTHING WE KNOW about the creative process, all of this is exactly what facilitates insights and idea-sparks aka getting to the point where we can write what is asking to be written.

So why is our process a forever-punchline?

Because of culture, of course.

And I think, often we mock ourselves preemptively to protect ourselves from pain, we make fun of the cleaning before someone else can, because that’s what people will do, because people are shitty, and people are shitty because culture is shitty, and we end up with an entire world of haha I’m on deadline so look doing X instead of Y.

Let’s change that. Let’s set it all on fire.

No, X is not avoiding Y. I’m doing X for Y, I’m doing X because X supports Y, I’m doing X because the experience of X will make Y more magical, and I trust in my creative process as a human being.

Let’s go beyond letting cleaning be an acceptable door into writing.

Let’s celebrate the cleaning, or whatever it is we are doing while Not-Writing.

Let’s celebrate ourselves for cleaning as part of how we approach our writing.

ANYTHING WE DO TO CLEAR SPACE, INTERNALLY OR EXTERNALLY, FACILITATES THE CREATIVE PROCESS, AND SHOULD BE CELEBRATED INSTEAD OF MOCKED, THE END.

Cleaning instead of writing doesn’t need to be mocked by us, and it definitely doesn’t get to be mocked by others.

Writers clear space. It’s what we do.

It’s how we get to clarity. Clarity is important. And it takes as long as it takes.

Everything we do to support clarity is healing. Giving ourselves spaciousness, permission and compassion is healing. Let’s glow these qualities instead of criticizing ourselves for being in process, when process is everything.

Let’s celebrate process, which is complex, alive and legitimately hard a lot of the time!

The process is vital to the writing.

And — this part is important! — whatever that process looks like, it is valuable because it is process.

The less time we spend making ourselves feel bad about being in process, the sooner we will get clear about either what we want to say, or why it is legitimately hard/scary to say it.

Let’s breathe compassion for process.

Let’s breathe compassion because writing is intimate, vulnerable, challenging, real.

Let’s breathe compassion, and practice the radical subversive act of Wild Self-Treasuring in the form of celebrating everything we do when we aren’t writing, including and especially cleaning!

Footnotes.

  1. Let pretty much anything stand in for writing. If writing is not your [thing you have a possibly-passionate, possibly-troubled relationship with], substitute painting, lindy hop, embroidery, clogging, whatever fits for you. Sometimes I pretend I’m not a writer too!
  2. Let pretty much anything stand in for cleaning. Anything we do that looks like not-doing can be in service of the doing, and anyway, not-doing is valuable in its own right.
  3. Yes, I know we usually talk about punching up vs down, but I think inward/outward makes more sense here.
  4. The cultural blame/shame around Not Doing is nonsense, let’s stop agreeing to it in all forms.
  5. We often appear to be avoiding what we feel most strongly about, this isn’t a bad thing, it just means we care, and caring is intense, give us time.
  6. Let’s end this story about who is a writer, we are writers and we clear space, and we can give ourselves endless cascading sparklepoints for each dish we clean or whatever it is we are doing to support the creative process in any given moment!
  7. I originally wrote gleaning instead of cleaning, also an excellent clue!

{tl:dr}

Cleaning is a writing strategy and should be celebrated as such.

We are choosing towards our projects, wishes and goals through working on them in this secret, awesome, indirect way, which is a brilliant strategy.

We are choosing towards good things through this ongoing practice of the qualities of curiosity, patience, permission, and internally-directed compassion as we learn to trust our own process.

And everyone else in our lives can support this or be quiet about it, the end.

Share this!

Please share with anyone who needs this reminder or pass this on the next time someone tries to make you feel bad for choosing [cleaning] or anything else instead of [writing] or anything else.

Commenting!

I treasure this incredibly rare thing that we have here in the form of safe online space to play and explore.

We remember that people vary. We meet ourselves and each other with compassion. We are on permanent vacation from advice-giving and care-taking. In other words, this is not like the rest of the internet.

You are welcome/invited to share hearts, sparks sparked for you, anything you want to share on the topic of compassion for our not-writing selves in our periods of not-writing, or about claiming the writer identity with love.

Love, as always, everyone who reads and comments as well as all the Beloved Lurkers and fellow quiet friends, you are all appreciated.

The Month of Jewels

gems of

I couldn’t get out of bed because it was all extremely
overwhelming: too much too much too much
and then on top of that
feeling how the wild full moon is
calling me back
that is: to my mission of being wild under the stars
out in the magnificent places
but also I am craving refuge
and I just lost mine

is that true? what is also true

blessings of

this is the year of triumph and here I am deep in the part where
you keep getting the opposite of your wish,
full moon anguish combined with approximately thirty seven thousand monsters
all whispering about how I
can’t get out of bed triumphantly
(or at all!), then reached for my phone and typed
“feeling so fucking bleak”
and it autocorrected to blessed

why not both

tumult

oh right this year is messy and tumultuous
both in worlds internal and outside,
and losing a refuge
— and really, even the perception of refuge,
even the perception of loss —
the combinations of these is tumultuous too,
that alarming rug-pulled-out-from-under sensation
and oh wow how familiar and ancient it feels,
the oldest story, so comfortable in its discomfort,
resonating all the way down, bone-deep,
even though it is not entirely true

whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

thelma & louise

I am thinking a lot about thelma and louise,
why is choosing (or even desiring) independence and joy
something women are consistently punished for,
even when it is celebrated, it is also punished,
and what does it mean to be turning forty one,
living this life solitudinal,
on my own terms and also
in my own margins,
what does it mean to say yes I will
I will I will I will
I will breathe through and pursue
freedom & pleasure,
what does it mean to stay true to my wild and
fiercely independent self
and still have love, community, a place to land

again, whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

and so we breathe

a breath for acknowledgment & legitimacy,
yes, the hard things are hard,
the scary things are scary,
this year is fucking tumultuous as fuck, this is true,
it’s okay to experience this experience, hello feelings I don’t like,
we breathe down-and-in
we breathe sweet-and-through
we breathe peace-peace-peace
we breathe permission to not like any of this

circulating awareness, this is its own superpower

transpiring

a favorite yoga teacher asked us this in class

“do you know what is transpiring in your heart?
it doesn’t have to be good, but do you know?”

I breathed many breaths for
this beautiful question,
my beautiful heart,
and my heart wish for
triumphant solutions born of self-love and
wild self-treasuring

how do I wildly love and tend to my loving wild self

through

a favorite secret agent reminded me to look to the Latin,
of course, yes, trans is through
and spirare is breathe,
what is breathing its way through my heart,
what is being breathed through,
how am I breathing through, breathing my way through,
how am I allowing myself to be (just be) in a state of
breathed-through, how do I gently and lovingly
support the transitions,
this process of through

through breathing! through-breathing!

through, again

I texted my other favorite yoga person and said
run away with me to the coast
we will be thelma & louise

I said do you have the sensation that time is
whooshing into a vortex and there are no more choices
or no more good choices (perception, of course)
and do you just want to go
and let the ocean tell us what is next

she said hooray let’s go! fuck this stupid shit!
because this is what friends are for

she told me she once met the woman who wrote thelma & louise,
and guess what there’s an alternative ending where you see them
driving around at the bottom of the canyon
yes, how about that

so there / talk about a cliffhanger / superpower of surprise happy endings

through, again

yes, this is a very vulnerable tumultuous time
full of upheaval and so much newness,
let’s keep acknowledging that because
acknowledgment & legitimacy is what softens the hard,
and these transitions stretch us,
it feels easier sometimes to seek distraction,
to disconnect or disassociate,
when what I really want is to connect more,
to myself, my grounded ground, my beautiful desires,
even the ones that scare me

love more trust more, right?

refuge zones

I had a refuge then I lost it
haha how do you lose something so substantial,
and then so many questions emerge from this,
is it even my job to put in the hours desperately attempting to save the refuge
or is this the time to lose the refuge and save the wildlife,
haha, I am living the wild life,
or, another question:

what if a new refuge exists that I haven’t met yet?

either way, it is time to raise the sails (and funds)
to save what needs saving and let go of what is leaving

may I find the peace and clarity to discern between these

stories within the story

So very tired of the story of[I lost my refuge / lost my center] what is a better story?

If we get to tell any story we like,
what’s a good one,
a useful story or a joyful story,
where is the treasure,
can I feel what is
transpiring in my heart,
what is reflecting and reflected there?

gems reflect light, and so do gems of wisdom and experience

gems of

clarity
knowing
presence
prowess
grace and crown on (regal as fuck!)

breathe + glow

clarity

so much loss in these past weeks
though also this past year,
and by loss I do not only mean the people who are not anymore,
or in some cases not in my life anymore,
but more like oh wow how deeply shaken I am
from this other loss, the loss of the ability to trust,
and it is not lost on me that these
painful, bitter-and-bewildering exits
share some common ground:

I noticed the red flags: hey that’s a red flag, let’s keep an eye on that!
while also telling myself YEAH DON’T WORRY PROBABLY THIS WILL BE OKAY,
and then was very surprised when of course it wasn’t

whether I receive and process the intel or not, it is there for me

glow

Show me the glow that will come from
making sacred space to contain
these huge feelings, this wild intensity

I forgot to trust my own instincts, I let things
slip past my boundaries until
they weren’t glowing their glow,
and neither was I,
but here I am now, ready,
recommitted to consciously returning to glow-state,
a rededication of my internal and external space

show me the glow that comes from this moment now

intuition

And hey, maybe one of the jewels of the month of jewels is
the realization that this temporary loss of boundaries is okay,
the experience is useful,
part of the tuition in the school of intuition
and boundaries and glowing,
this is my training in being my most powerful panther-self,
present and grounded, fierce and striking,
wild and alive

aha, this is my wish, I found it!

training

You lose your balance to find your balance,
you let something be lost to find it new,
change your place to change your luck,
breathe, love the breath, love with breath,
ring more bells

this is wild self-treasuring

spark

I arrived at the ballroom at 2am
a seattle dance friend ran up as I put on my dance shoes (delight!)
he said, do you know, I was terrified of you when we initially met,
you have some sort of silent power that can rip apart mere mortals
at the wink of an eye, I hope you’re okay being super intimidating

You know what?
I am
I really am
or at least: I am now

and maybe that is another jewel of the month of jewels

maybe that’s it

Maybe triumph is about reaching that point of
yes I am intimidating and fine with that / yes these are my fiery boundaries,
maybe triumphant is about sometimes a refuge is yes
and sometimes it is no
and sometimes you ride off into the sunset
but not over the cliff
and you trust that the next refuge will be revealed

you live the wildest wild life
and then you don’t need to save the wild life
because you are in it

let’s breathe superpowers for the month of jewels

  • A breath for ease and easing
  • MY GLOW IS PALPABLE & FIERY!
  • Alternate Endings
  • A breath for the bridge of Freedom & Pleasure, and (re)dedicating my life to Freedom & Pleasure
  • A breath for And Something Even Better
  • A breath for the perfect simple solution I don’t even know about yet
  • A new kind of exit strategy
  • The jewels revealed at the beach, in the light, by the bridge
  • I am the fiery one / what are the gifts of forty one
  • A breath for A Routine I Sit / A Rose I Intuit (and other wondrous anagrams for I Raise Tuition)
  • I Can Try On Any Identity For An Hour and see what changes in my approach
  • What if there is treasure in the not-knowing too…
heart-glow + hearth-glow

refuge, again

I missed yoga through a combination of traffic and migraine
and probably some other factors related to too-much-city-time,
which is how I wound up at an entirely different studio,
in a class which turned out to be on the theme of REFUGE ZONES,
how we can create them in our day, and why these are so vital,
the door into compassion (both towards ourselves and others)
is giving ourselves enough respite
to even access it

how fortuitous that everything went wrong in the
exact right way so I could receive this beautiful clue, and
make space for both the refuge and the wanting

flashes

It keeps occurring to me, in small flashes,
flashes which I invariably ignore like the red flags,
that everything influences consciousness,
and better boundaries includes having a more conscious relationship with
the space around me in addition to the space inside of me

aka what is transpiring in my heart

a beautiful rewriting

This morning I finally took a black Sharpie and covered up
the logo on my yoga mat, I dislike all logos of course,
but also the company is owned by someone I know via [person who betrayed me],
which means each time I enter the refuge zone of my physical practice,
I am in some way reminded of that painful experience
how was this person who loved me wholeheartedly able to turn on me,
all that loss, the unkindness, the not-truth, it has a resonance still

anyway, now my mat features a compass where the logo used to be,
and everything is better

may I create enough safety for myself to connect to the gems,
to breathe my own light inside of these painful experiences

what is needed/invited for this month of jewels?

+ excitement for secret missions of Harmony & Congruence!
+ leveling up to entirely new levels of TFB (Total Fucking Badass)
+ so much more time in the sun and the light
+ new rituals of exit and goodbyes*
+ new forms of fuel
+ really good naps
+ back to the water
+ jet black everything
+ a spark of what might be next and as much joy as I can stand

* A loving goodbye to the refuge that was, and to the vision of that space as MY refuge!
And an extremely fiery Good Riddance to all the boundary-crossers, the mysterious disappearers, the migraine-inducers, the encroachers, the ones who want to know why my no is my no: I will not explain my to someone who has never once respected it anyway

What do I know about jewels?

I am one,
oh, and words can be jewels too,
and there is a jewel-like sanctuary in my heart,
where I can breathe light

Droplets of water on lush green spring plants
are jewel-like, I wish to return to the magnificent places
inside myself and outdoors,
let us breathe our way back to yes,
to quiet trust in the heart-jewels
inside this always-refuge of jewel-heart

Oh wow what beautiful wishes, may it be so, or something even better!

Announcement!

GUESS WHAT MY LOVES, I had a birthday (!) and decided to do a celebratory birthday sale/sail, which I have never done before in thirteen years of online business, and I have extended it because last week got eaten by bears and with the disappearing refuge situation, so maybe this at least ends up being good luck for you?

Here are all the details , just click on this for the SAIL OF 41!

We are raising tuition and raising intuition, and raising sails. And I hope you get to join us if it is the right time.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.

The superpower of softening from inside the place of stuck (and other superpowers of superpowers!)

Softening from inside the place of stuck

Sometimes when things get stuck or feel stuck, or I have gotten completely lost inside of the perception of Everything Is Stuck*, and am wheel-grinding hard, I just stop everything and make up some superpowers.

I like this practice because it is uncomplicated and light-hearted. Name what you want! Anything is a superpower!

Superpower of Ta Da! Anything Is A Superpower! Including This!

* hahahaha, how often does this happen, that I get so stuck in the monster-story of stuck that I can’t even see how it is a story, a million times a day?

Change Your Luck

The act of naming and invoking asks me to bring to the forefront a more creative and playful part of me, which is its own superpower. And, this part is important, often this approach is much more effective at getting me past the sticky situations than trying to solve them from Thinky Brain.

Superpower of Solved Through Goofing Off!

Superpower of Add Some Dionysian to your Apollonian, if ya know what I mean!

The superpowers of naming superpowers include…

Superpower of Capitalization For No Reason Is Fun!

Superpower of Naming Is Invoking

Superpower of I Am A Namer Who Names!

Superpower of A New Name Transforms!

Superpower of Exclamation Points For Days!

Turning clues into superpowers…

I went to yoga while I was in Bend for dance, and the teacher said:

BEFORE THERE WAS ANYTHING, YOUR BODY KNEW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.
LET YOUR BODY DO ITS JOB.

How is that for a superpower for the month of Perspective + Wild Self-Treasuring? It’s amazing.

Come in, come in, superpower of What If I Can Trust My Body To Do Its Job. Come in, come in, superpower of Ready To Get Quiet Enough To Listen To My Body So I Can Get Better At Trusting.

Calling

Yes, calling in superpowers is a perfect practice for this month of Perspective, a shift in internal landscape. And of course self-fluency is all about the relationship between internal and external space.

Internal space = thoughts, feelings, sensation, perceptions, idea-sparks, stories, hypotheses, dreams, wishes, our many selves, entire landscapes within the kingdom of being, and everything from cells to respiratory system (oh, beautiful breath!) to connective tissue to enteric brain, a whole world of embodied aliveness.

External space = the outer form of body and the space immediately around us, expanding outward into our setting, our environment, culture, the air we breathe

Changing something in one always changes something in the other, or in how we experience the other. This principle is at the very basis of self-fluency and Very Interior Design.

We can work in either direction, or both at the same time.

Notice and breathe. Notice and play. Notice and experiment. We claim space, become more embodied, aka the superpowers of Vitality and Prowess.

What superpowers do I want for this day of Righting/Writing?

  • Laser Focus! Solved!
  • I Am Treasure & I Know It
  • Everything in a French Accent, aka Nothing Really Bothers Me aka Eet Eez Fiiiinnne (thanks to Marisa for this one!)
  • I Know I Am The Queen (thanks, Laura!)
  • Set It On Fire And Walk Away In Your Glory!!!
  • Easy Deletion
  • Five Breaths of Wild Appreciation for, as Star says, THE MESSY MAGNIFICENCE THAT IS THE LIFE YOU HAVE TO LIVE AND THE LOVE YOU GET TO HAVE FOR YOURSELF!
  • Transforming Things Is My Favorite Game
  • This Impossible-Seeming Thing Is A Fun Challenge And I Am The Olympian Superstar Of This Fun Challenge!
  • The Wrong Choice Actually Refuels Me With Wild Motivation
  • Anything Is Fuel For Inspiration

What are the next steps? What do I do when I can’t see the next step?

I can move myself in space aka Change My Place Change My Luck.

I can try feeling instead of seeing.

I can ask Slightly Wiser Me.

Really, it doesn’t matter what I try as long as I remember that I get to try things.

Self-fluency is basically the opposite of most other things in the category of self-helpery, for example, we do not ever say that Solution X Is The Solution, because that is silly and simplistic. Especially when X is really just A Thing That Happened To Work For Me.

Self-Fluency is based in People Vary and Let’s Take Exquisite Care Of Ourselves In The Ways That Works For Us In This Moment, and also about experimenting so we can become even more knowledgeable about what does work for us at different times.

I do not ever need your X to line up with mine.

No agenda about what you should try or how you should go about it, the whole point is you get to figure out which techniques appeal to you, and make them your own.

Superpower of rewriting the idea of next steps….

What are the Next Steps? I don’t know but what if the clue is in the letters?

Let STEP stand for whatever it stands for, maybe…

See The End Point
Serene Tranquil Ease of Play
Sixty Three Effortless Plenty
Sexy Times Emergence Period!

Let all next steps be right, which is also the superpower of whichever step I take is the right one because I took it.

Superpower of Dessert First

What does this mean, or what are some related superpowers of Dessert First?

  • Consciously Choosing Pleasure
  • PLEASURE TRANSFORMS THE EXPERIENCE
  • Begin From Joy
  • Begin From Breath
  • mmmm, starting yoga time with shavasana is totally dessert first
  • beginning a first date with a smoking hot kiss is also dessert first, I got to experience this not too long ago and it was [fire emoji for days]
  • beginning a dance with intricate small detail, play and breath in closed position before moving into steps
  • and right now napping instead of writing seems like a “bad” idea (a monster word if there ever was one, but this is what came up) and yet is this clearly the only thing I can do right now, it is indicated, and therefore it is the correct step, what if the nap is dessert-first, and the dessert is transformative?

Gloriously Motivated

I have a conundrum that I just do not know how to solve. Haha I just wrote salve instead of solve! Salves solve solutions, saved by the salves solution, superpowers of this etc.

Let’s transform this [situation that is being read as crisis/crucible] into the biggest miracle of all time with the superpower of PERSPECTIVE.

Aka You Wanted To Be Motivated/Inspired/Refueled And Ta Da Now You Are!

Aka the @jonnysun superpower of “I am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in”

Aka gloriously motivated to solve this mystery immediately.

Here’s to all the superpowers of Gloriously Motivated, what do they entail?

+ I AM A STAR
+ THIS IS WHAT I DO BEST
+ PLAY IS MY BIG WILD JOY
+ BORN TO SMOLDER
+ LET’S DO THIS, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW
+ RAYS RAISE RAISED!
+ BOOM IT IS HAPPENING

Yes, this is fun.

What happens when we name superpowers?

We interrupt patterns and loops of behavior, and any unexamined internal narrative of stress-and-doom.

We activate the superpower of Receptive To Possibility, which is quite possibly my all-time favorite superpower, other than flying.

We remember that we get to shift perspective using language!

We stand differently and move differently, crown on.

We get to be surprised.

Superpower of good surprises!

Invitation for this post!

Come name superpowers with me. Any you want. If one of someone else’s appeals to you, it is yours too. There is more than enough and then some.

You are also welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.