The monsters! Of doom!
Oh those monsters. Even when we know they’re just being horrid because it’s the only way they know to keep us safe … it still sucks when they’re around.
They try to keep us stuckified through paralyzing fear and non-stop nagging (or sometimes agonizing silences).
Of doom!
Because their whole thing is doom doom doom. Of doom!
When we avoid them, they tend to get louder, creepier or more insistent.
And when we talk to them, weird and useful transformations happen:
sometimes they disappear — poof
sometimes they turn into non-scarified fuzzball pets
sometimes they get a promotion to a job that’s actually useful
and sometimes they turn into Negotiators and help you interact with other monsters.
Which is awesome, except that the process of talking to them is also scary and hard and uncomfortable.
Getting started is hard. Knowing what to say is hard. Trusting that it might actually work is downright impossible.
Especially since they are of the [extremely vocal] opinion that there’s no point anyway!
And also that this is really stupid and you really have better things to do with your time!
And in addition to that oh for the love of god why are you even reading this page when you have things to do — do you want to end up living in a cardboard box?!?!?!?!
Yup. That sounds like the monsters.
That’s pretty much why the Monster Coloring Book (of doom!) is the most genius thing in the entire world.
It helps you identify what they say and why they say it (and how to know when it’s them talking and not you).
And then it tells you exactly what to say to them so they will stop bugging you.
Plus coloring! Fun.
PRIVATE! A LETTER TO YOUR MONSTER! DO NOT READ! FOR YOUR MONSTER’S EYES ONLY!
Dear loudest monster of the person currently reading this page,
It’s me, Havi. And my duck Selma. And I just want you to know that no one is going to try and disappear you.
We are not out to get you.
We are not going to stomp on you or crush you or try and make you go away.
I know your person sometimes wants to get rid of you, and that you’re feeling anxious that if you let them have a coloring book, they’ll use it in some sneakified way to destroy you.
And I know that it is vital to you that your person stay safe and protected. And I appreciate that. I also want them to be safe and protected. I also want them to be okay, just like you.
And I’m guessing that you think that by scaring them out of interacting with you, it’s better that way. Because if you can just keep them terrified enough, they won’t ever do anything that gets them into trouble, pain or Bad Consequences That Must Be Avoided.
That’s a terrific thing to want for someone.
Except that your person — the one you have dedicated your life to protecting through generating enough fear, fog and stuck that they can’t hurt themselves — is so paralyzed by fear that they actually can’t experience the protection you want them to have.
You might think the ends justify the means, but that’s just not always true.
All your person wants is to have a different relationship with you — to discover what needs to happen for them to be safe. And even though you happen to think that this is none of their damn business, it will make it easier for you to do your Protection Job if you agree to let them talk to you.
The coloring book is a translation device.
It’s a way for your person to get what you’re trying to do so they can stop getting in the way of your mission. It’s a way for you guys to speak the same language.
Plus, coloring! Monsters love coloring!
And even though you, as a monster, also think it’s a waste of time, it’s not and here’s why.
While your person is all distracted with coloring, you can protect them from Doom. And when your person knows how to talk to you, it will be a lot easier to keep them safe because they won’t be resisting your mission all the time.
I know! It’s brilliant. So listen.
Agree to the idea of a coloring book, and I can promise you that there will be no attempted monster-slaying. We’re just going to talk with you.
And we’re ultimately on your side. We believe in your mission even if we have different ideas about tactics.
So see how it goes. The worst thing that will possibly happen is that your person will respect you a little more.
signed, with much respect for your monsterness,
Havi and her duck
Okay. Back to us.
What the monster coloring book (and manual) is for:
- So you know what to say — and do — when the monsters take over with their doom doom doom of doom.
- To destuckify quickly when you need to get stuff done (because the monsters prefer that you not get stuff done because then people could judge you and you could fail and it would be the doom of doom).
- Smart tactics. That work.
- To deguiltify when your monsters tell you what a crappy excuse for a person you are.
- So you can trust that you are capable (without the monster that thinks you’re full of shit or the monster who thinks you aren’t living up to your potential or the monster who knows you can do better if you’d just try.)
- So you have a relationship with yourself that isn’t about “self-mastery” or a constant state of struggle, but is about feeling safe and supported.
- And practical, down-to-earth ways to deflect whatever your monsters throw at you.
- So you can laugh.
- And have fun coloring.
- And get stuff done.
Why you might need this:
Oh god, I started thinking about the why here, and came up with about twenty reasons right away, but I don’t want to list them out here because your monster will just say that I’m trying to convince you. And I’m not.
So I’m just going to give you the main reason. It’s kind of embarrassing but here it is.
Part of my mission (and I say that in complete awareness of how cheesy and stupid that sounds but there just isn’t a better way to put it) is to be your Negotiator.
It’s a kooky-ass gift, yes, but I can talk to people’s monsters. And they will talk to me. And I am immune to any of the crazy shit your monsters pull on you.
This is how I can negotiate for you without you having to hire me.
Some of the monsters we’ll meet:*
* And by “meet” I mean “learn smart, unconventional tactics for dealing with so they can’t run your life anymore”.
The “PUHleeeeeeze, everyone else is doing the thing you want to do better than you ever could so why even bother — really why are you still even thinking about this” monster
The “You don’t want to fail horribly and fall on your face LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU” monster
The “You’re just going to screw it up like you do everything else” monster
The “There is no time to stop and talk to your monsters and anyway this is all hippie crap HURRY UP NO TIME NO TIME NO TIME” monster
The “Why don’t you look in the mirror you big phony imposter HAVE YOU NO SHAME AT ALL YOU FRAUDULENT WHORE” monster
The “Who do you think you’re kidding, what, you think you’re good enough, believe me you’ll never be good enough” monster
The “YOU WILL FAIL MAKE NO BONES ABOUT IT” monster
The “Why even bother getting out of bed” monster
The “Jeez, would you just get your pathetic lazy ass out of bed already” monster
The “What if you throw a party and nobody shows up” monster
PLUS the Silent Scary Hiding monster and the Monster Who Says That There Are No Such Things As Monsters monster.
The Monster Manual & Coloring Book: What you get
The Basic Package (of doom!)
The Talking To Monsters Monster Coloring Book (of doom!)
Featuring:
- Eleven adorably scary monsters and two bonus monsters.
The Monster Manual (of doom!)
Featuring:
- Eleven monsters. Eleven tactics.
- Two bonus monsters and some bonus tactics.
- In-depth descriptions and very specific examples of how to talk to each one, what to say — and what to do if it doesn’t work.
The Extra-Destuckifying Package (of doom!):
Includes EVERYTHING in the Basic version plus:
Bonus ebook of Useful Stuff to Know about Monsters
Featuring:
- Dictionary of monster expressions.
- Identification tactics: how to know you’re dealing with a monster.
- Other useful things that help you face your monsters without having to fight them (exhausting) or “embrace them” (ew).
Bonus ebook: a super helpful collection of a dozen of my monster-stuckification-related blog posts.
Admission to a group class (by phone) with me where you can ask me anything you want about monsters and dealing with them. And an mp3 recording of the call.
PRE-SALE COST:*
The Monster Manual and Coloring Book are good to go. You’ll get yours as soon as you order.
As of right now everything is still at pre-sale price (that’s half price) for your “you better not spend money on anything ever, especially if it helps you” monster.
The regular price is $60 for the Basic and $180 for the Extra-Destuckifying:
at half price that’s $30 for the Basic package and $90 for the Extra-Destuckifying package.
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* Depending on how my Playground Fun-Brewing project goes, this half-price thing may have to change. So I can’t make any promises about how long the Monster Manual & Coloring Book will be available, or if it will stay at this pre-sale price.
p.s. My monsters are (mostly) of the opinion that having a postscript is obnoxious. But my loudest monster says if I don’t, I won’t be able to help anyone and doom doom doom.
So we came to a compromise which is that I am writing a postscript but it doesn’t actually say anything. Phew. Ha.
All proceeds from this product (after paying my peoples) go directly to our pirate-ey Playground Fund — see the Playground Fun Brewing page for more details.
When you buy this, you’re not just getting something awesome (though you are!) — you’re being a helper mouse, and I love you for that. Thank you.