What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity)

 

Search Results for: stucknesses

Friday Chicken #204: another ripple in the force.

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This was a really big week for me. Intense moments of… well, intensity. Yes.

Lots of challenges but also beautiful ones, and also delight and excitement and other amazing things.

I’m still processing.

But let’s take a look.

The hard stuff

Today. Again! Friday appointments.

I keep “learning” this one, but it hasn’t landed yet.

Friday appointments are the worst.

Also I took about seven buses today, and that was five too many.

Things that are sucky and annoying.

Being in my stuff sucks. Waiting sucks. Also: not knowing. Making stuff about me when it is not about me sucks.

Decision making sucks.

Being hyper-aware of incongruence sucks, even when it’s useful. Seeing the not-sovereign situations and how things are not working is generally frustrating.

Many tiny symbolic stucknesses.

And then they had repercussions.

Learning from the hard but not wanting to learn those specific things.

A lot of what was hard was hard because it was incongruent or not lined up with what I want now, so I was getting a ton of useful information about what I do want while this was happening.

Yay, information. But rawr rawr rawr this information is depressing and horrible!

Not getting a chicken done for this morning.

That was one of my big wishes this week.

But that wasn’t how it happened. So I am planting it for next week.

Having to say no.

Not wanting to say it but needing to, and difficulty finding the right way to deliver the no graciously.

The things that are not done.

And June is almost over.

The in-betweens.

Transition. Blergh.

Not knowing what I want and then knowing exactly what I want.

I can’t decide which of those is harder, but both of them were hugely challenging this week.

Trust is hard, y’all.

It is possible that I am not the first person to make this observation.

Okay. On to the good. There was some pretty kick-ass good this week.

The good stuff

Focus! I can focus again!

For the past six weeks I have had zero attention span, and this week I was able to focus again.

Thanks, Rally! Everything is different now.

Best weekend ever ever ever.

I like to rest up after Rally (Rally!) but often I am not able to fully let myself as much as I would like.

This time I totally spent all of Saturday in bed. ALL OF IT.

It was the best.

Then Sunday was long walks in the parks and streets (Sunday Parkways!) with lady Chuck, then partner yoga with Danielle, corn on the cob, fun times with friends, loving everything, beautiful sky.

Ahhhhhhh. That was sweet.

Play. Word play. Silliness. Delight.

I have been doing mad intense shivanautical magic, with so much PLAYFULNESS.

And this is spilling out into every area of my life, I could not be happier about this.

I have a new secret name.

It is resonant and beautiful and I am going to call silent retreat on the rest of that for now.

I had a huge understanding about a thing that needs to happen.

A giant realization, from doing Shiva Nata of course, about what needs to happen and how it needs to happen, and how NOW IS THE TIME. And this was such a big deal.

I have been thinking about this and wanting it for a very long time, years, but this week I felt it so clearly: Now is the time. Yes!

Anyway, I’m going to do it! It has already been set in motion. I feel unbelievably excited and tingly about this.

If you want to REJOICE ALL THE REJOICINGS with me, that is welcome.
I shared some details of this with friends and the Floop, and it was so sweet to be heard, supported, rejoiced over. And Kathleen even rang a bell in the shape of a pineapple in my honor! I love this!

A stone came back to me.

Stone! Look at you! You were gone and then you came back!

I had already said goodbye to this particular stone forever, and with a fair amount of sadness at the time, but then the stone floated back.

This is interesting because I am okay with the stone not being my stone anymore, but also I have been spending a lot of time thinking about when is a stone a stone. I will write about this soon and then everything will make more sense.

The point is: I thought things were one way but then they were different, and this was surprising in a way that was reassuring and pleasant, and without me being attached to one particular end-result.

Marisa again!.

Marisa was back for a day and I got to see her twice. We had sparkly things happen to our toes and then ran away to parking lots. I can’t wait until she is here all the time.

Clews and noticings.

My project gave me a clew and told me to pay close attention at pub night, and I did and the clew I found there was nothing short of amazing.

Then this week there was a day when I really wanted someone to call me and they were not calling, and then I LOOKED FOR CLEWS from the bus, and I got a clew that basically said “This has nothing to do with you, burn away any stories that say this is about you”.

Sorry, that link is from 2007 and I wish I could rewrite that piece. The truth still holds though.

So I did that. And then immediately I got an explanation from this person and it really and truly did not have to do with me. Of course. Thank you, clew. Thank you, me who remembered to look for clews.

So many good things!

I did a bunch of scary and brave things, and somehow this was fun! This happened every day!

I noticed other things that I didn’t want to do, and now I can make a plan for the way that Barrington (or a stand-in for Barrington) can do them for me.

And I asked for the superpower of grounded sparkling with the help of grounded sparkly toes! My ask was a little vague. Well, it was witchy and silly and not especially specific. Like this:

Let it be all, yay! Trails of sparks! The ground sparks through me and I spark through the ground! Alignment!

But then I got this superpower the next day, and it saved my ass.

Ohmygod you guys! This weekend is hat parade!

Hat Parade! I am so excited! You know how I feel about costumes. And HATS!

Love them. So much.  I am going to wear my most ridiculous, outrageous, over the top hat. Lady Chuck is going with me and it will be marvelous. I will bring Potter the mouse, he will like it too.

Two giant wishes came true.

And I didn’t even have to do anything other than ask.

I asked for a VPA fairy and I got one!

That is a bit confusing and no, not actually a fairy, at least I don’t think so? But assume that this is a good thing.

I did a handstand.

With help. For the first time since ten years ago. And without screaming. it rewrote a bunch of stuff from Then.

This was a big deal and I do not want to talk about it anymore so please nothing about that other than quiet yays and heart-sighs.

OHMYGOD THE PEGASSIST.

Not only is this the hottest derby move of the season (we saw it previewed at our league championships and wow), but it also has now the best name ever.

A lift-assist over the inside line, named for the pegacorn, Rose City’s winged-and-horned pegasus-unicorn mascot-like-thing. Pegassist!

Watch this video, at least twice. And then cry tears of happiness.

Also, expect to now see this move EVERYWHERE.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band:

Gnome Shopping Cart

If you are one of the lucky people who has gotten to peek at or visit Stompopolis then you already know what this is.

It’s also a band. A loud, raucous, funny band with a penchant for harmonica solos. It’s just one guy though. As it turns out. Yup.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

Seriously, Rally. RALLY!

Everything that was good this week was a direct result of what we did at Rally.

There are only two more this year and two next year. Before they go up to full price is probably a good idea.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Friday Chicken #185: You know what’s fun to say? Caboose!

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

The hard stuff

Accidental Zombie Day.

The day when my brain stopped functioning, and everything was fog.

Overbooking myself.

Again!

Still in pain about something from then.

Well, about something from last week that is reminding me of then.

Now is not then. Now is not then. Now is not then.

Friday.

Huge fight with someone I love.

We worked it out. Quickly, even.

But so horrible while it was happening.

Expectations.

Mine. Other people’s.

Bleargh.

Feeling frustrated.

There’s a pattern I’m working with, and it’s taking a lot of time.

Also something looked like a blinking red light and turned out not to be, and that was disorienting.

Avoiding my local.

Usually Twitter is my local pub, and my favorite place to pop by for silliness and happy chatter.

This week I just couldn’t be there.

Which might be a good thing, but I was sad about it.

Goodbye, Ruth.

I just received news that one of our people, Ruth Brand Lederer, passed away peacefully this week at her home in Zurich.

Some of you might know her from the comments section.

Anyway, she was a lovely person. Hug a furry animal for her!

And may her memory be for a blessing.

The good stuff

Direction from the Director…

The Director tells me all sorts of useful things. But lately she’s been guiding everything.

Over the weekend she suggested that I head to a certain store. Which street to take. And exactly when to leave the house.

Also which corner to turn.

Turning that corner at that exact moment resulted in a marvelous and hugely unexpected gift for the new Playground.

And then when I got to the store, they were having a giant one-day sale. Furnishings for the new Playground!

Then Danielle was able to come with the car and help. The First Mate got a recommendation for something he needed. We met someone we needed to meet.

All from listening to the director. It’s been amazing.

And the whole week has been like that. She tells me and I listen.

Progress progress progress.

Meeting even more of the Playground neighbors and really liking them.

Picking out paint colors. Buying the paint.

Systems. Structures. Resources. Allies. A plan for the new stage. A lighting scheme. Ideas!

It’s all coming together.

Oh, and there are now seven different people who want to rent out our new treatment room.

I can’t even tell you how overjoyed I am about this.

An incredibly useful meeting with Cairene.

We figured out all sorts of important systems things.

Plus I have learned a thing (the hard way) and am finally finally finally not doing the thing that always backfires.

Living the way I want to live.

These past two weeks have been closer to the life that I imagine than anything else.

Walking each morning. Glow-sitting (shhh, meditating!) each morning. Dance. Mini-marathon-trainings all day (shhh, it’s really resting!). Yoga every evening.

And then having three ridiculously productive and creative hours packed in the middle.

So I’m getting more done, but spending way less time doing it. Playing, not working. Having more fun. And I’m humming my happy hum.

THIS is the thing I’ve been working towards for the past seven years, and for it to be actually happening feels amazing. I never would have been able to do this if it weren’t for Rally (Rally!).

Because that’s where I’ve learned about how to make time magic. And how to follow the rabbitholes and be willing to be surprised. I’m now living Rally. And it’s the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.

Twelve.

Twelve years without sugar.

Sleep is mostly back on track, and I am extraordinarily happy about this.

Yay!

I only had one rough night this week. It feels like everything is easing back to normal.

Enthusiastic & Play Day at the Playground.

On Toozday we had an all-day play day at the Playground Caboose, which is what we’re calling the original Playground.

First we ran an Enthusiastic and I told everyone my plans and they were enthused! And we said YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY. And we sang pirate-ey songs.

Then we visited the new space and I gave everyone a tour.

And then we had lunch and played all afternoon.

It was amazing.

Bout night!

This Saturday night.

My Guns N Rollers are going to kill it.

I’ll be doing the shivanautical warm up. And maybe some of you will be there too?

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is a fun one.

Good Day For Frogs

I’m going to invite them to play a show at the new Playground. Because ohmygod you guys the new Playground is big enough that we can have shows there!

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

A request for the new Playground!

We’re looking for pieces of cloth in shades of blues, greens and purples.

Ideally about a square foot in size. Or a foot in length and then half that in width? But whatever, bigger, smaller, whatever you have. Cutting up old t-shirts could work too.

It’s for a craft-ey project that will turn into a ceiling treatment for one of the rooms in the new space. If you have blues, greens and purples to contribute, we will be happy for them.

Our mailing address is:

The Fluent Self, Inc
1526 NE Alberta #218
Portland, OR 97211

And if you’re in Portland, we’ll be having a bunch of community painting party weekends that we’ll be having in March. So if you want to come paint and dance, or help out in other ways, that would be the best. Thank you!

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

  1. Two spots left for the March Rally (Rally!). April is sold out. I believe there is one spot for May.
  2. I want to highly recommend the Monster Manual & Coloring Book for working through stucknesses. A bunch of people reminded me this week of how much it has helped them. It helps me too. I use this material all the time.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

Very Personal Ads #95: always more edges

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

95!

We’re getting really close to one hundred consecutive weeks of VPA-ing with Very Personal Ads.

Ideas for how to celebrate?

I will start pre-emptively running around and cheering. Possibly also with balloons.

Thing 1: Chalkboard!

Here’s what I want:

Last week I redecorated and generally re-everything-ed the Toy Shop at the Playground, so that it would feel loved and adored and look beautiful and sparkly.

And now we need a chalkboard.

Chalkboard!

Ideally in time for Rally (Rally!)

Ways this could work:

I could find one on Craigslist.

One of you might have a suggestion. Or maybe one of my readers in Portland has one or knows someone who does.

My commitment.

To buy colorful chalk and yell CHALK!

To appreciate this new piece of the Playground and everything it represents.

To enjoy this period of transformation as much as I can, even as it involves working through a lot of my stuff.

Thing 2: Help and support with resolving a painful pattern.

Here’s what I want:

I’ve been encountering a lot of old hurts and stucknesses, especially as they relate to business and growth.

And it’s time to let go of a series of internal rules about how WORKING is supposed to function. I’d like this to happen with as much ease and grace as is possible.

Ways this could work:

Let’s see.

Writing. Flailing the flail to make new connections.

Talking to monsters. Bringing out the Moderators.

Consulting Slightly Future Me.

And doing old Turkish lady yoga, of course.

My commitment.

To be curious and patient.

To ask warm, loving questions without attachment to one answer or another.

To remember that one day this stuff won’t have any hold over me. I will be done with it, and working with other patterns and other pain.

Thing 3: Someone I need to forgive.

Here’s what I want:

There’s some forgiveness that needs to happen and I am not in the mood. Yet.

So I’d like some ease and relief with that.

I don’t know if actual progress will happen or not, but I’m working on it.

Ways this could work:

I can make lists of how now is not then.

Maybe do some work with metaphors.

Make space for possibility.

My commitment.

I don’t have to go directly into the pain. It is always okay to dance around the edges.

Lots and lots of safe rooms for me!

Thing 4: Confidence!

Here’s what I want:

We have dates to film some Shiva Nata video. And I have been feeling… bashful and extremely camera-shy.

It would be really great if this could start shifting.

Ways this could work:

The pink wig, of course! Everything is better with a pink wig!

Lots of gentle testing the waters. Nothing formal. Nothing set in stone.

Just curious, inquisitive, investigative practice to find out what I need to feel comfortable doing this.

My commitment.

To try things.

To laugh.

To give myself a million permission slips.

To not rush any of this.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted progress on making a Shiva Nata FAQ and got so ridiculously stalled that it’s clear there is Underlying Stuff there.

So I’m going to have to rethink that ask and investigate some more. I wonder if it needs a new metaphor? Possibly.

Then I wanted a spectacularly great class with the roller derby team that I sponsor, and it was. They’re all shivanauts now!

Also I wanted to write up notes from a bunch of things, and nope, that didn’t happen either. Again, I think there are some symbolic factors at work that are worth exploring, and that’s some of what this week’s asks are about.

And I wanted to rewrite the Rally page for Rally (Rally!) and that’s where all this old pain stuff started coming from. So I’m glad I asked, because now I’m getting to do a lot of clearing-out of old gunk. Ahahahaha. It’s good timing.

Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!

Stuff I’d rather not have:

The word “manifest”. To be told how I should be asking for things. To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.

Much love for your gwishes! So happy to have you doing this with me.