What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Friday Chicken #243: boldly orchestrating new delights

Friday chickenWhere I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

What worked?

Talking it out.

I had worries and I said them out loud, and it was okay. Better than okay.

Remembering that it’s not a disaster, it’s a mystery.

And everything I learn in the process of investigating this mystery is useful information.

Following instinct and being ballsy about it.

Bond Girl wants to go to [x place]? Go.

Bond Girl wants to do something scary-brave without even thinking about it because she is so clear that this is the right thing? Why not.

This week Bond Girl called the shots, and it was amazing. All the parts that were less-than-amazing happened when I stopped trusting the pull or wasn’t quiet enough to feel it.

Bond Girl wants a double compass too. Here is the new one for Operation B.O.N.D.G.I.R.L.

Boldly Orchestrating New Delights. Glowing Into Real Light.

Letting Bond Girl pick my outfits.

She is so much more passionate and opinionated about clothing than I have ever been. She believes, hard, in the powers of Costume and how Everything Is A Costume.

She gets turned on by clothing in a way I didn’t even know was possible.

And she’s wildly creative, even when working with limited offerings. She pulls outfits together and: wow. I didn’t know my closet could do things like that. Kind of in shock, actually.

Next time I might…

Pause. Pause. Pause.

Pause and instincts are not contradictory, they are deeply interrelated.

This is another thing I am learning from this Year of Emptying And Replenishing.

Be true to Putterday! Long live Putterday!

For the past few weeks I have been skipping Putterday, because of Doing All The Projects. And the projects feel a lot more urgent than Putterday.

But then they don’t really get done.

Yesterday I gave myself the gift of Putterday, and suddenly with all that clear space and zooming-moving-around new energy, I wanted to be with the projects again. Putterday is soothing and restorative for me. Sometimes. That goes into the Book of Havi.

Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).

  • Big work happening on the roof of the building where Stompopolis and the Playground live. They’re replacing all the sheet metal on the roof and it is NOISY AS **** and I hate it.
  • So we were half-closed this week and that felt vulnerable and scary.
  • Oh man there are a lot of ops.
  • Someone (me) vastly underestimated how much time it takes to edit a 200 page ebook.
  • According to the monsters, I need at least a hundred magical badgers to help me sort out Operation What Is Happening With All The Ops.
  • The day I forgot my earphones. I hadn’t realized how much I depend on that buffer, or how unbearably noisy the world is.
  • Twisting my ankle.
  • St. Patrick’s Day. Do not pinch me, do not kiss me, do not make assumptions about me because I have red hair and green eyes. I have stuff about this holiday.
  • How is it almost pesach? What is happening?!
  • When people in my life need (or think they need) things from me that I can’t give them.
  • When people in my life think that I am the unique delivery system for [love/companionship/thing they want], and not understanding that everything in the world can deliver qualities. Truth: the ability to receive qualities is not about any one person.
  • Related: As Agent A (our Man in Marin) says, trying to explain TRUTH is like trying to email a haircut.
  • Being around distortions of truth.
  • Desiring more spaciousness.
  • Hello, pain from then. There is so much of you!
  • The longer I live in silence, the more I notice unsovereign behavior, and the less willing I am to put up with it.
  • The night of no sleep and then terrifying nightmares.
  • And then being so out of it that I left my bag on the bus.

Things I found delightful.

  • Thinking, “I want someone to notice this beautiful outfit that Bond Girl cobbled together out of instinct and magic!” And immediately after having this thought, a guy on the street said: “Can I just say, that is a terrific outfit.”
  • Went to see live music and didn’t spend the whole time thinking about my friend who is dead. I mean, I thought about him, obviously. But it didn’t take over the experience.
  • The Timbers match. Seattle away. The glorious game-tying Rodney Wallace goal in the 90th minute. Wow wow wow wow.
  • Watching the match at 442 with the adorable rowdy inebriated puppies from 103 Ballistic. See also: This week’s Fake Band Of The Week.
  • Someone didn’t say hi to me, and this particular not-saying-hi of the not-hi was so loud that I had to find out what was going on, and doing this was the best thing I have ever done, possibly ever-ever-ever.
  • The day I left my purse on the bus was the same day that wallet, keys and phone were in my jacket.
  • Guess what? MIRACLES. See: miracles.
  • Secret flower delivery.
  • In my nightmare, dream-me managed to practice a technique/approach I’ve been working on in real life! And noticed she was doing it. And was happy about that even though everything (in the dream) was awful.
  • The moment about five minutes after I woke up when I finally realized it had been a dream. Delirious joy.
  • Comfort on the hard day from housemate and playmate and Replacement Agent E.
  • Playmate: “I love it when you want things.” Possibly the most healing thing anyone has said to me. I cried for an hour while this rewrote my entire life. Thank you, day of hard that lead to this.
  • Open tabs down from 69 to 5. Because the Floop is magic.
  • Being in a state that feels like being under a spell but is not a spell. There is magic in the air, and it is so impossibly sweet.
  • Being at Stompopolis every day and the way it smells like love and possibility.
  • I told someone about [traumatic scary thing], not sure how this person would react, and now I’m really glad I did.
  • A conflict showed up with a stone, and I asked for it to resolve itself peacefully. And then it did.
  • Scent.
  • Talking things out with playmate showed me all the old pain from then about Amsterdam and all of it, and then I realized how lucky I am to be here now and know what I know now.
  • Glass Shoestrings with the debut album Magical Kingdom. Opening act: The Shy Smiles. The 2014 Tour that doesn’t exist, because none of this exists, but all of it made me happy and this week there was a lot of happy.

WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:

The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.

Mission: Operation Twiceover Wham boom!
Operation Putterday Wham boom!
The Great Closing Of The Tabs Wham boom!
Contact Contact. Wham boom!

Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!

You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.

Miracles!

When I left my bag on the bus, I did not freak out. Miracle.

I used the secret mantra of Everything That Is Mine Returns To Me.

I followed an intuitive hit to take an evening dance class that I never, ever, ever take. Then set off with full confidence that I would make the bus even though it was supposed to arrive in two minutes and it takes seven to get to the stop. Made the bus.

It was the SAME BUS. Bus driver had my bag, waiting for me. The end.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

Surprising Unexpected Boldness. Courage and fearlessness that was playful, strong, present and alive.

And a superpower I want next week.

Remembering that everything radiates delight if I pay attention.

Actually, everything radiates everything, whatever I need is there in some form.

So: the superpower of being quiet and steady enough to know this and feel it.

Proxy of the week.

I am not ready to get the beer out of my hair. This is me, with beer in my hair. What do I know about that?

Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.

Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.

  • Ohio! and then Pho! I was trying to write “Oho!”, something I say all the time.
  • “We lock up gamers.” For the record I do not lock up gamers. The phone is having trouble believing that hametz is a word.

Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.

This salve has tiny little seeds of Truth inside of it, so throughout the day you remember how adored and loved you truly are, and how strong you are, and how all feelings are legitimate. And how comfort and support are everywhere.

It’s in a compass case that you can wear as a necklace or slip into your pocket.

These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is a direct description of my hilarious experience of watching the Timbers match with the boys of 103.

101 Dalmatians and the Testosterone Jungle

They’re loud and messy and you will end up with beer in your hair, and the ineffectual but effusive apologies for that will be just as entertaining as the rest of it.

They play all night and they turn it up to 11. And of course, it’s just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

Announcements coming soon.

In the meantime, I’ll say it again. The Monster Manual & Coloring Book. I live by this, and it’s why the mysteries and challenges of the week don’t get me down.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

19 Responses to Friday Chicken #243: boldly orchestrating new delights

  1. seagirl says:

    A quick chicken before Internet Shutdown of the Day takes place.

    Challenging Mysteries:
    - Next steps with the Place, what do I do? Where am I stuck? What do I want?
    - The Boy situation.
    - The Scale situation.
    - The Money situation.
    What is the common thread here? Where is the next right step I can take with each one?

    Delights:
    Running faster.
    Singing all the songs in the pub.
    Getting into the yoga class I wanted.
    No early morning plans this whole weekend.
    Computer shut off for 7 hours today!

  2. Jane
    Twitter: JaneOfArdis
    says:

    What worked:

    Dance for my sore shoulder.

    Remembering that it is OK to do things the way I do it.

    Tea retreat in my favourite tea-shop.

    What I might do differently next time:

    More bedtime relaxation after write club, and perhaps having an alcoholic drink or two when I’m there so I’m not so wound up and bouncy when I get home.

    Things where I saw the challenge first

    Not sleeeping well last night (see point above) and then feeling zombified all day.

    Distinct feelings of eek! about starting a big, seekrit project and also about the glimpses of future me.

    Someone getting in their stuff when I was asking her some (to-me) neutral and necessary questions.

    It’s cold and grey and cold and I’m fed up with it and where’s spring? Waaaah!!

    Feeling that I should be OK with the cold + grey and all accepting and in tune with it instead of wishing for warmth and sunshine.

    Discovering that I book by an author I normally enjoy is (for me) pretty much unreadably awful.

    Delightfulness

    Tea-time retreat in my favourite tea shop, with a free copy of a surprisingly good magazine, and teapots that colour co-ordinated with the tea I was drinking. :)

    Write Club was fun – so glad I persisted in going.

    Interesting week working at the restaurant – ludicrously success facebooking, movement on a big project, good feedback and interesting meetings for prospective advertising stuff.

    Potential for more interesting new work.

    Baby steps and toddler steps with two of the new projects I have brewing.

    Yummy food!

    Kitty cuddles and general cuteness. I love sitting at my laptop, writing away, with Pumpkin curled up on her cushion on my desk, snuffling gently.

    Belly dance and yoga.

    Cheese scones – yum yum yum.

    A moment where I realised I was being future-me, and all the glimpses I have of her, as well as other patterns ready for detangling, and being able to take a deep breath and know that there is time for all of these to be explored.

    Wore my black modcloth dress for the first time and felt awesome and got compliments. AND it goes super perfectly with the orange cardigan I found serendipitously in H&M last month.

    Wishing everyone beautiful weekends!
    Jane recently posted… Spring Equinox: an invitation to step into my royal self

  3. Katie Hart
    Twitter: yogiconomist
    says:

    Cheers, Chickeneers!

    An all-around decent week was had.

    I’m not even sure what was hard.

    The Hard?
    - having to attend a boring meeting
    - random headache on Thursday
    - uncle found out he needs surgery

    Yays!
    - finishing everything that needed to be finished for me not to work on work stuff over spring break
    - doing the above while still going to yoga and taking time for myself
    - nice party with friends on Saturday night
    Katie Hart recently posted… Friday Flow

  4. Pam says:

    Halloo Hallay
    Welcoming Friday!

    Cheers cheers for the Chickeneers!

    What worked?
    No surprise to anyone here…. SLOWING DOWN.
    Paying attention without grabbing grabbing grabbing on.
    Just listening and letting things SINK in.

    How fabulous.

    And… how difficult for me, somehow. I want to GRAB it all…write it down…capture it… keep it… Instead of just letting it sink sink sink in.

    Next time I might…
    breathe. listen. breathe. listen.

    try to head off the fear that I will LOSE something if I don’t write it down.

    know that the … whatever… the class the wise words the thing I am aiming to absorb WILL stay with me. It will.

    The Challenging Mysteriosos:
    - oh the cold. I know. so boring but it is wearing us to a nub. A nubby nub nub.
    - the crowding of too much “stuff” in our tiny home.
    - the leaking seeping madness – snow from above and frost from below and the shaky shack is SO not waterproof and we fear the consequences.
    - money fears..creeping in..suffocating… worries in the night

    The good and tasty:
    + Finding a simple honest and lovely way to welcome Spring. Welcome Welcome Well Come!
    + Happy happy news for the Raggedy Man
    + Treatment for the tooth pain – though the big decision remains…
    + Anticipation of the trip the trip the trip… four nights away in a place with hot running bubble baths and maybe even a haircut and coffee shops and live theatre and a dinner with friends and pints at the Laughing Buddha and… oh such fun to dream on.
    ++PLUS a train ride there and back – with SANDWICHES!

    Happy weekend wishes to all!
    go easy ~p
    Pam recently posted… An Ode to Spring in Northern Ontario Part 2 (snow warning) A walk with Pam

  5. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium
    says:

    >>trying to explain TRUTH is like trying to email a haircut.

    OMG, is it ever.
    Mechaieh recently posted… what French music and French cuisine have in common

  6. Hannah Savannah
    Twitter: Hannah_Savannah
    says:

    owno about Amsterdam! And sending a little gwish/magic/fairdust into the universe for yummy things to be associated with future-Amsterdam because of [secret crush on the whole city]. but elevator shaft if it doesn’t make sense please ! <3 <3 <3

  7. Julia
    Twitter: JuliaBushue
    says:

    Noticing that your superpower backwards (which I just mistyped as “backwords” – kind of love that) is Bold Unexpected Surprises!

    BUS!

    ?
    Julia recently posted… The Cost of Abundance

  8. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat
    says:

    Hi, Friday!

    What worked?
    –Compassing. I did a lot of that this week, and I can feel that practice beginning to deepen.
    –Ignoring a certain person’s stuff until it went away.

    Next time I might…
    –Ask myself, when I notice myself defaulting to patterns of self-comfort that just happen to keep me awake half the night, “Is there some new and lovely, sweet and comforting thing that I could engage in while falling asleep?”

    Well, it’s a mystery…
    –And alas, it’s also a confidential mystery that I’ve been asked not to discuss on the Web. I’ll just say that it truly is a mystery, involving the not-knowing of something that I would really like to know, already!

    It’s delightful, it’s delicious, it’s de-lovely!
    –The following conversation: “[So-and-so] says [s/he] doesn’t think I’m creative.” “Well, that’s cre-azy!”

    Previously on Superpowers!
    –The power to create laughter that softens the sharp edges.

    Next week on Superpowers…
    –The power to be exactly the person I wish to be.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Promises.

  9. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium
    says:

    *wincing in sympathy at the sprains and tooth pain and other hurts*

    What worked?
    * getting on the bike every day
    * the rose-scented sunscreen

    Next time?
    * more moat
    * dress tape

    Challenging:
    * wardrobe woe and wistfulness
    * things not working out with/for [sr]
    * locking up the bike when I run errands. The bike racks at both of the grocery stores I’ve ridden to are set too close to the walls of the buildings. Oy!

    Delightful:
    * unsolicited praise from a client
    * when I asked my hospital supervisor if I could list her as a reference, she readily said yes
    * the young men at the bike rack who were really nice about my n00b question

    *accepts salve, tucks into pannier*

    Warm wishes and flowers to all who wants ‘em.
    Mechaieh recently posted… what French music and French cuisine have in common

  10. Whitney
    Twitter: paleandnerdy
    says:

    Hello week! you sure were a week.

    chickening at the bus stop!

    the goods: +serendipitous work thing!
    +little things keep falling into place and i feel calmer, stronger, and happy. except for when i’m not.
    +my new phone works much better thany old one! and nothing that i needed was erased. and NOW MY PHONE IS A TARDIS.
    +the miracle that happened after i missed the bus. +the perfect simple solution was there! +more communication accross time zones +i didn’t lose my stone!
    +more flowers than i though were allowed.

    the hard: -missing the bus. it was a moment of depletion/pain/frustration/why me.
    -money is gone
    -highly anticipated thing is delayed yet again
    -SAD and march/april stuckness make everything harder to do

    this week’s superpower: making bus trips better
    next week’s superpower: foot self-massage skillz, and steady ready presence.

  11. Leni says:

    Hello Chickeners!

    What worked this week?
    -Best practces! Exiting, conducting, compassing.
    -Mapmaking homework
    -taking good care of me

    Next time:
    -avoid the toxic content
    -more protein for dinner.
    -yeah the whole dinner thing needs attention

    the suck:
    -the news. plus my pathological clicng of the link, despite the SHOUTING of all my Guides not to
    -the toll this took on my energy and focus amd productivity at work, not to mention a tension headache?
    -10 pounds of hard with the 6year old
    -continued ant-Bondgirl status. i look frumpy and tired. clthes are sad, hair is sad. sadd. weight holding steady at 142, no movement, plus watching Weeds and WHY does Nancy never have to wear a sweater, why is it ALWAYS 80 degrees and sunny wherever she s? fuck!

    sparkles!
    -cleaned the tubroom! a million sparkle points
    -better able to eep the puppes in ther box, while stll being abl to enjoy the puppies. progress!
    -OStara! coven tomorrow night!
    -mapmaking tools very helpful
    -i asked the first mate about going to the circus and FM sad sure, and if i dont go with you, you should stll go! hooray!
    -filling the well
    -integrating some new ship’s business. Keeping watch and Keeping the Log. we are Underway!
    -fnally finishing my 2013 and finding all kndsof clues and course settngs that I had forgotten. Was reminded of What do I know about White Flowers? This is an important nvestigation rght here.

    t’s a good day! happy spring everyone!

  12. VickiB says:

    Putterday! I love Putterday! How could I have forgotten about it?! I shall declare Putterday as a 36-hour day, and putter away.

    What happened this week:
    MrB having lots of problems with a certain aspect of his health, plus a new problem, plus lots of medical appointments. He’s ambivalent about doing things that will help. Having to feel my way through this.
    No time to myself except when asleep. The week had no spaciousness.
    The washer is leaking.
    Lost my phone.
    Pain.
    Cold. It looks like spring but it doesn’t feel like it.

    I’m in a *mood*. I don’t feel like looking for positive things this week.
    But if I did feel like it, I’d count these things:
    Sunshine
    The Butler
    The medical team
    Being able to read and having books
    The Floop and Floopers
    Chocolate
    Starting a healthy living plan and doing the crucial steps three out of four days.
    Being able to be pleasant to others regardless of my mood.
    I did a trial session teaching Spanish to middle-schoolers and it went well but I don’t know yet if I want to take it on as a regular thing.

    Superpower I had this week: Giving legitimacy to all my feelings.
    Superpower I want next week: Sprezzatura!!

  13. Jude Spacks
    Twitter: judespacks
    says:

    What a tasty Chicken!

    Same Bus!! Same Bus!!!

    Yep, I want me some of that same bus magic.

    (It must be around here somewhere I forgot to look).

    OK, I want some of that remembering magic, too.

    Especially remembering the part about the goodies coming from all sources, even inside-out ones, and not from just the one apparent vending machine. I am not a voluntary Juice Cow vending machine for those wanting to suck up some juice.

  14. Whitney
    Twitter: paleandnerdy
    says:

    P.S. Does anyone know of/have interest in making a private Facebook group for YEARlings? esp for those of us not on the ss floop.

  15. Claire McAll
    Twitter: making_space
    says:

    Cluck cluck, first chicken in a few weeks. Weird for me to not chicken after two and a bit solid years of doing so but I was just following my ‘hmmm, not tonight’ instincts and surprisingly unconcerned about what any of it ‘means’.

    Patterns changing of their own accord for the win! Fractal flowers in action, huh? I mean, I’m kind of interested in figuring out why I’m so much less worried about What Shit Means nowadays but am sitting with the coverall explanation of ‘everything’. Anyway, it’s good, for shit to Just Be rather than Mean Shit. #vocabularyofasaltysailor #sorrygrandmaiknowyoureprayingforme

    Things I resisted welcoming:

    - hahahahhaa old relationship identities and patterns still at play

    - going to bed

    - tiredness (although duuuuh, see above, pretty predictable consequence)

    - refraining from speaking

    - buying a goddamnedblessed car already. I know it will be kind of crappy for my budget but it just needs to last for the next 12-18 months until I can afford a less crappy one. Still, I really want to just buy one of my own and let my poor, boundary-less mother off the hook of her own ‘no, no, take it, I’m fine, I don’t use it much’ patterns that feed and indulge my ‘I don’t want to make a mistake and actually step up and decide on something scary, indulge me mummy’ patterns. *sigh*

    - being present for my kids in the face of my They-Will-Suck-You-Dry-Quick-Escape-Facebook-Solitaire-Anything monsters

    - basically standing in my power a lot

    Things I welcomed with ease and delight

    + our application for school support funding for my Little Lad being approved by the department at the level we were asking for. Jaw. Floor. *swoon/weep*. The road ahead might be winding, steep and rocky still, and we still have to walk it, but we’ve just been given some top-notch hiking boots, camping gear, wonderful sherpas and a donkey and I just KNOW we are going to make it. Being funded at the level he actually needs is so rare in our able-centric society….. I’m shocked and blessed and integrating this amazing new world where Actually, I Don’t Have To Worry.

    (Who AM I if I’m not chronically, ceaselessly afraid for his future????? I am excited and weepy and finding-my-sea-legs-but-happily-so about the fact I am going to find this out!)

    + discovering I am the kind of person who can want to attend a weekend women’s hippy festival to nourish myself and also BE the kind of person who decides she can and will do this!!!!!!

    + rain

    + ripening tomatoes

    + free coffee table for Wonderbaby to practice walking around and around and around being the cutest thing I have ever seen

    + Little Lad participating brilliantly in the Tunnel-ball and Egg-and-Spoon Relay teams at his inter-school sports day and having the time of his life and being the cutest thing I have ever seen. And he came third (out of three) in three of the individual events, and second (out of two) in another, so he got four ribbons and was completely COMPLETELY unaware of the CONCEPT that he ‘should’ have been aspiring to earn ribbons in the first place let alone blue ones, or that throwing gumboots, and balls at targets, and running races and jumping hurdles ‘shouldn’t’ be done simply and purely for the joy of doing it. #autismwins

    + I wrote in my notebook without a twinge of shame about it. WROTE wrote!

    This has been a wonderful week.

    xoxoxoxo

  16. Claire McAll
    Twitter: making_space
    says:

    PS: the ‘hurdles’ they used at sports day were haybales, and watching the little kids climbing up onto them, jumping off them, then running helter-skelter towards the next one was absolutely hilariously adorable and wonderful. #detailsofdelight

  17. TAZ says:

    Checking in for the first time in a few weeks. Travel and busy.

    Hahaha, I have the same thoughts about Weeds.

    The hard:
    Cold! All the time! Agh!
    Ended up in conversation with two new people, realizing they were BOTH new occupants of jobs I’d applied for and did not get. Good thing I have a sense of humor.
    S is leaving. Er, make that escaping. Feeling envious.
    A sad anniversary on which I will silent retreat.
    No, no, that’s OK, go ahead and redesign that website that I spent years working on. It’s FINE. Really.
    Feeling stuck, stuck, stuck.
    Digestive issues and the attendant worry (a laundry list of potential diseases appeared in my brain, though they symptoms aren’t really that severe).

    The good:
    Remembering to cut myself a little extra slack this week.
    Went home early to make brownies one afternoon. ;)
    Catching up with L after 7 years, her perspective was refreshing.
    Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot fix my workplace, and I should not expect support from it. They are all too busy empire building to bother with me.
    New class starts next week, looks like fun.

    Chickens, I salute you.

  18. Pearl says:

    I love Putterday, too. Must think about how/where I can introduce Putterday to my week.

    What Worked?
    Deciding to turn my essay in unedited. After all, it’s optional, there’s no grade, and I write pretty well extemporaneously – why spend the whole week worrying about whether or not it’s good enough?

    Listening to my boss and trying the scheduling practices he suggested. Not perfect, but it added perspective.

    My new shoes! How can I describe how much I love these new shoes? When I wear them, they add the quality of “got my sh*t together competent adult”. I didn’t know in buying new shoes, I was getting an additional costume, but I’m soooo glad for it!

    Next time?
    enCOMPASSing?

    Devote some actual time to the stuff that comes up in weird experiences. Luckily “walking past homeless people having sex in the corner of a parking lot in the middle of the day” is NOT something that happens often, but I’m sure that next time something unusual happens, there will be stuff.

    The Hard and Mysterious
    Sitting under the direct regard of another person – too much attention! Makes me want to hide under the couch cushions.

    Being generally too busy and so numb from surviving the business that I’m just not noticing my Stuff. And the guilt (and shame) when someone else points it out to me. Pain. Pain.

    The Hubs’ new work schedule is the same as mine, which means no time to myself after he leaves/before he gets home. FEAR (maybe ludicrous?) that I’m never getting time to myself again. Boo fear.

    The Yayfully delightful
    Spending time on Friday with people who matter.

    Yoga in the morning connects mind and body

    Turning in my essay at the start of the week opened up some time-space later in the week so that I could have some open time. This felt beautiful.

    Finding a variation on my usual hairstyle that’s easy and looks elegant. +2 for confidence.

    Magical Powers Activate!
    Last week, I had the power of Being a Zombie Faerie Queen – Moving through the motions, but not really being present.

    This week, I would like the magical power of Quiet and Steady Attention. And maybe Comfort.
    Pearl recently posted… The Seductiveness of Morality

  19. Sarah
    Twitter: sarahneedles
    says:

    (This is Robyn. I’ve condensed my online handles/pen names into ONE name because it was TIME and so from now on I am Sarah online and offline. But you can call me whatever you want. Skipper is acceptable, as is Cheeto.)

    Wow, this week.

    What worked:
    - counting to 10
    - remembering that other people’s rudeness/grumpiness/disrespect for basic human courtesy had NOTHING to do with me and was all about their stuff. This made not bursting into tears at work a little easier to manage.
    - escaping to the city yesterday, as in making a date with myself, and then keeping it, even when I wasn’t sure that going would still be good. I went anyway, and it was the best thing ever.
    - being outside in the sunshine
    - staying present,
    - reaching out to other people when things were tough, and letting them be supportive, without setting expectations about how they could do this or what they had to say

    Next time I will try:
    - escaping earlier!
    - accepting burnout for what it is, and turning it into a permission slip for radical self-care.
    - asking for help before the ship is half-sunk (both the houseboat and the relation-ship)

    The Hard:
    - someone very close to me went through a mental breakdown and suicide attempt this week. Thankfully, she’s safe and somewhat stable, but it was really bad for about 3 days.
    - nobody with letters behind their name came through for us. Psychiatrist claimed her case was “closed” and wouldn’t see her, GP was uber judgemental (the word “med-chaser” was thrown around) and only reluctantly changed her ‘scrip. her therapist is MIA and doesn’t have a cell phone. I’m very frustrated and disappointed.
    - as a result of the above, skipped yoga practice two nights in a row, and now my body is in so much pain. Ow.
    - keeping it all together at work, despite the above
    - very necessary, but very exhausting conversations with someone about our interactions. Severely draining, and the other person left feeling stable and happy, while I felt like crap.
    - distress like the incidents of this week creates a sucking black hole of need that tries to consume anyone around. I’ve spent all week skirting the edges of it, trying to be supportive, but not fall in. (Ha! the cartoon image of a black hole wearing a bowler hat sitting on my couch, drinking tea and eating cookies just gave me the first laugh I’ve had in days. Thank you chickening!)
    - keeping all the the the other juggling balls in the air while this was going on

    the Good:
    - escaping yesterday, and enjoying good food and spending time with old friends and new friends on the beach in the sunshine.
    - having a room to escape to in the house, and using it to its full advantage this week.
    - good conversations with my family, and finding support when i needed it
    - helping M get a new fish tank and delighting in his delight over the fish.
    - long walks in the sunshine with the dog.
    - going and getting an entire bag full of secret tools, and then giving myself permission to use them. New hair! Special de-frizzing potion! No more dry skin! Huzzah!

    Miracles?
    Nobody is dead.
    And the puppy has finally learned to come when called!

    Superpower I had this week:
    Supersonic-non-ironic detachment. “This stuff is not my stuff.” Rinse. Repeat.

    Superpower I want for next week:
    The power of everything is ok.

Leave a reply

CommentLuv badge