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We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.


Friday Chicken #223: past-me saves the day.

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

The hard stuff

Re-entry. Always the hardest.

Coming back from a Rally or retreat is often difficult.

All of a sudden the old things don’t work. You’re hyper-aware of everything that is disharmonious or incongruent. You miss being around people who get it. You miss being in an environment with space and autonomy and breathing room.

I’ve done this so many times. I was ready for this. And being ready helps a little, but not as much as you’d think.

I had clear and loving notes from past-me about how I will probably need to spend at least three days in bed staring at the wall blankly.

And also about how I will suddenly dislike everything and want it to be different. How all this is normal and okay, and when I eventually stop fighting it, then it will suddenly and magically pass.

So yeah. It gets easier but you know what? It’s still unbelievably intense. I am re-entering and everything is different, and it is raw and new and I want to hide away in a cocoon please.

Watching people you care about put themselves in painful situations.

You sit there with your heart full of love and appreciation, and you watch people just tangle themselves up in their stuff.

You watch them place unnecessary restrictions on the very thing that would bring them peacefulness and delight.

You watch them reinforce narratives that have nothing to do with reality.

You watch them construct rules about how they are willing to receive, to the point that they actually limit what you would otherwise happily give freely.

You watch them imposing external forms on a situation instead of allowing structures and containers to emerge organically.

And there is nothing you can do in this situation except continue to love quietly. And hope that they will come back to what is true.

This happened a few different times this week, and it is an awful feeling.


I will silent retreat on this.

Needing to reconsecrate space.


Getting triggered.

And not able to explain what is happening in the moment. Being with someone who can’t understand.

Oh dear god, the misunderstandings. When will they end.

So many misunderstandings.

May everything resolve itself.

Pretty much any time I went online.

Between the elections and the world series and the hurricane and everything horrible, everything is horrible.

When I remembered to do sweet, loving things for myself that have to do with being here and now, with stillness and breathing, all was good.

When I went looking online to connect with something else, nothing was good.


It takes time.

The good stuff


Remembering the truth about how Now Is Not Then.

Remembering the superpower of Actually, Nothing Is Wrong.

Look at this.

Last year at the end of Crossing the Line, I spent three hours with my partner in crime cleaning up the Playground, because it was a fabulous disaster. Costumes everywhere, feathers from boas all over the place, blankets that needed folding, cushions strewn across the floor. It was fun, and it was also a lot of work.

This year’s group just kind of quietly put everything back on their own all the time, and by the time they left, there was hardly anything to do to clean up.

Things and situations can get even better than they already are. Even when I don’t do anything to change them. This is a useful thing to remember!

Replenishing. Also the Playground calendar was made by a twisted genius.

Seriously, me from a year ago is hilarious.

I turned the Playground calendar to November. And it’s the month of REPLENISHING.


Are you kidding me? Could anything be more perfect? Because that happens to be exactly what I need right now.

And then, get this, at the bottom of the month, it says THIS:

Hiding is always okay and often useful. Safety first!

This was so completely what I needed to hear in that moment. Wise, loving and true. Also: relevant to my interests, as they say.

Thank you, calendar. Thank you, past-me. Thank you, seeing the reminder without needing to trip over it.

p.s. If you’re looking forward to a 2013 calendar, they exist! And they are even more beautiful and amazing than last year, if that’s possible. I’ll post pre-order information soon!

Things change.

Saturday was a not-fun day for me, and my playmate was also having a not-fun day, and so we decided to be irritable and grumbly together.

This cheered me up immensely, and then Sunday was beautiful.

Things are weirdly better than I think they are.

I made a list of everything that is better right now than it was a year ago, not expecting to find very much.

But actually, SO MANY THINGS. This was surprising, and also useful for negotiating with the monsters.

The Crossing.

We crossed.

It was a big passage. And extraordinary things happened.

It was so big that I can’t even talk about it. But everything is different now.


I was able to do the thing that helps. And I was able to do it consistently, every day, all the time, more often than I thought I needed it.

Avoiding Halloween.

Marisa came and we ate dinner in the dark and hid.

I was remarkably functional on the first day of recovery.

I was able to have a Puttering Day! Yay, puttering day.

I was vertical. Up and about. This never happens. It was great.


Flowers help.

I am taking really good care of myself.

This is still relatively new. I like it.


Walking is the best. Triple especially if it takes place in crisp air and the sun is out and there are beautiful colorful leaves everywhere.


I am noticing all the useful things. This is exciting.

Morning in a turquoise towel.

This was beautiful.

Hello, November.

I had things to say for November, and I was ready to say them without needing a lot of time to agonize over transitions, and this felt sweet.

Found a new cafe.

It is delightfully quiet and subdued. There is a lot of wood.

And again, Nothing Is Wrong. The old cafe stopped being the right place and then the new place was there when I needed it, and the new thing is better.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong.

Comfort and reassurance.

Thank you, Maryann and Robyn.

Thank you, everyone who has been sending sweetness in the mail. Cards and reminders of love. Hugely appreciated.


Everything is very quiet now from inside my recovery cocoon, but I can see glimpses and glimmers of radiance.

The things that are coming are so beautiful. And letting them take their time is important. Letting me take my time is important.

I am remembering this and trusting it. For entire moments. For a breath and then another breath. And then for ten whole astounding minutes inside of a compass made of points of light.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is also the name of a flavor of tea that I would like to exist:

Sudden Unexpected Jolt Of Peacefulness.

They harmonize. With everything.

Though, of course, yes, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat

There are a few shiva nata starter kits left but they are going pretty quickly.

We are close to rearranging everything in the shop. I am going to repeat my recommendation for emergency calming the hell down, before changes get made. Also, this was how I got to peacefulness this week, and I needed a lot of calm this week.

And, if you’re in Portland or the general area and you want to Duck Out of Thanksgiving again this year, information coming soon. We will have a Great Ducking Out day of fun, play and running away at the Playground. :)

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

And extra wishes of safety and support to everyone dealing with Hurricane Sandy right now.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

14 Responses to Friday Chicken #223: past-me saves the day.

  1. Mary Tracy
    Twitter: MaryTracy

    What’s going to happen with the “Emergency Calming Down”? I want to buy it but I don’t have enough money yet!
    Mary Tracy recently posted… Working with “Horrific”

  2. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat

    Oh, this post is so comforting to read!

    –The Wizard is still job-seeking. He was approached about a short-term contract position over eight hours from home, where he would have to live away from the rest of us for potentially almost a year, and we are actually having to seriously consider this. Because money. And now that he’s told them he’s interested, suddenly we’re not hearing any more from them. Yeesh. It’s like high school or something.
    –This past weekend was a
    massive energy drain. It definitely had its good moments, but oh, the spoons!
    –And then there was the storm. I was lucky. My brother, who lives in a town along the coast of New Jersey, was not so lucky. Or, rather, he was extremely lucky, because he and his wife and their three little boys and two dogs and hamster are all alive and well. But their home is seriously damaged, and their car is a total loss.

    –I am doing NaNoWriMo for the first time ever, and am off to a good start.
    –My newly-teenaged daughter and I had a great time passing out candy to the kids trick-or-treating along the main street of a local town. Meanwhile, we ate cupcakes and drank warming cups of tea, and enjoyed wearing our costumes. She was Miss Scarlet (with the candlestick) and I was a Witch. (I dress as a Witch most years, pointy hat and all, which is my sneaky way of taking off the mask on Halloween.)
    –I am so much better at handling anger in my loved ones than I used to be. So much better. So much stronger and more sovereign. It’s wonderful.

    I am lighting my candle, and wishing for all of you to have the kinds of weekends you desire.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Clarity at the crossroads.

  3. Rhiannon
    Twitter: rhiannonlaurie


    Ah! I had forgotten to change my calendar month! That’s the first time that I haven’t done it the exact day the month changes and with great excitement. Yes, November. Replenishing is exactly what I need. :)

    The Hard:

    – Several agonizing days of not knowing if our baby was really sick. That was no fun. Also, I did not sleep those days.

    – Sleep! Always with the sleep. I kind of just don’t anymore? Or something. There is certainly time spent lying in bed, but nothing much comes of it. It is amazing to me how exhausted I am. Astonishing. I didn’t know I was capable of *being* this exhausted.

    – The giant list of doom that is getting longer and not shorter. Oh ho! If I don’t get any sleep and I don’t have any energy, things don’t get crossed off the list. But there is a reason they’re all on the list in the first place – they need to get done.

    – Monies. My pain + hubster’s pain + parents’ pain + random cultural stuff. It’s more than a wee bit tangled.

    – Stupid not hearing back about things. Stupid in my stuff about not hearing back. Stupid stupid stupid.

    – I can’t figure out where to put an old relationship that’s still important to me but might not fit anymore. Frustration + sadness.

    – Engaging many times in an activity I haven’t done much of in years. So me-from-several-years-ago came out and that was not so good. And then the monsters threw a 3 a.m. party to some of the tunes they used to love in high school, and that wasn’t so good either. I’m needing an infusion of present time and superpowers-I’ve-acquired-recently.

    The Good:

    – My baby is not dying at all even a little bit! Yay! She is probably perfectly fine/might need surgery at some distant future date. But very much good news.

    – (Also she is a girl. Which we already “knew” but now we “know.”)

    – Andrea’s Creative with Money Playdate, which not only helped a lot with money stuff, but also helped a lot with EVERYTHING and included this crazy vision/download that clarified and expounded upon everything I’ve been working with since at least August/also my entire life. Amazing.

    – Playing (incredibly nerdy and complicated) board games.

    – A lot of hidden things rose to the surface and got played with and loved on and even sometimes healed. My things, other people’s things, things between me and other people… it was good.

    – Chiropractor! Taking another tour of the exotic land that is me. And learning about its strange and wonderful configurations.

    – A store I like to be in! The second one in the last four months!! I like talking to the people there and I like the things they sell and how everything is $5 max. If you had told me a year ago that it was possible to enjoy being in a store and feeling this comfortable, I would have looked at you like you were speaking Martian. (No, not like that. I’m such a linguist I’d get really excited hearing Martian. But like most people would look at you if you were speaking Martian.) This is excellent.

    – Writing. It is not happening with as much ease as I’d like, but it is happening.

    – I got a haircut! Feeling much renewed.

    – My friend who is also one of my favorite musicians in the world had a concert for the first time in a year and there were songs I hadn’t heard! And they were amazing!

    – Zombie Walk/Thriller. It was pouring rain and we were a little shell-shocked waiting to hear about the baby, but good times were still had. Teeny tiny fierce zombies! Stormtrooper zombies being ripped apart by Ewok zombies! Zombies zombies zombies.

    – Hanging out napping on my friend’s floorbed while he played video games. Like all the best parts of college and none of the bad ones.

    – My Christmas cactus is blooming.
    Rhiannon recently posted… Inviting All the Birth Fairies

  4. Katie Hart
    Twitter: yogiconomist

    Cheers, Chickeneers!

    The Hard
    – limbo (figurative, not the literal dance)
    – peer pressure to attend an event
    – sudden wall of grumpiness

    The Good
    – sparkly new high heels (gold! silver! copper! all the sparkles!)
    – Avenue Q
    – a week full of relative ease
    Katie Hart recently posted… My Current Diversion

  5. Pam says:

    Cheers cheers to chickeneers!

    Have I said yet how much I truly LOVE this site and pretty much ALL that it contains?

    I do.

    And look forward to many a tea sipping hour poking around around in the archives.

    Hugs and cheers to Rhi – re the lovely girlchild baby.
    Cheers to Kathleen for diving into NaNo (I’m in too this year) Maybe I’ll find you there.

    OK… week wise…wise week…

    The Hard
    – recognizing how hard it is for me to TURN off the outside STUFF. Meaning, this week – the typer and the tv.

    I had a plan to turn off my computer at 7pm each night and to THINK about maybe an entire day off-line. I did manage to get out/away from the typer by 7pm 4 days out of 7 – BUT I ended up watching tv all night and eating. I also BINGED huge on tv online on Wednesday for some reason. I just could not stop watching stuff. Hmm… seems I was avoiding something, eh?

    – Resisting HUGELY the idea of something – taking a SILENT RETREAT here.

    Kept at it – gently and managed to work through it but…hard hard hard.

    – Trusting my self and my process was hard this week – even though things are actually going pretty well, in fact… AWESOMELY well on the work front.

    I still doubt myself. sigh. Any “small waves from afar” to cheer me on are much welcome.

    The Good

    + All friends surviving the onslaught of Sandy intact. Some minor damage to homes and yards but all humans and pets safe and healthy.

    + Celebrating another week of rising early.
    This is helping with the shift into seeing Time as … more abundant.

    + Finding a sort of fun way to ease myself into a new Gratitude Ritual.
    It’s an online research type of thing. 14 days of gratitude. I’m digging it.

    Sending out a big big THANKS to Havi and to all of you for creating this space to come to each Friday – and any other time ;-)

    Happy weekend.
    Happy November.
    peace and love all round!
    Pam recently posted… Making Strides…

  6. Judy says:

    Hi fellow chickeners,

    Oh the hard:

    Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. No power, no water, no light, no flushing since last Sunday. Estimated return of said power, maybe next Wednesday. No fun.

    Hearing horrific stories about devastation. Seeing some of it around us.

    A bit at sea, all routine gone, cancellations, reschedulings, constant adjusting. Unhappy husband who is an election news junkie.

    And aahh the good:

    Daughter offered her apartment with light, heat and hot water. Mwah to daughter – mine – and anyone else’s daughter who needs a sloppy grateful kiss.

    Getting to play in Manhattan. Even though expensive, treating myself to yoga classes, sitting in cafes. Meeting fellow displaced persons. Free bus and subway rides. Seeing children on the street all day, with their parents too!

    Having lunch with roommate I haven’t seen in 35 yers – 35 YEARS! And it was easy, light, and full of tears, hugs and love.

    Rolling with the changes way better than ever before. Hardly grumpy, not pushing, but more tired than usual.

    Hugs for the hard (if you wish it) and confetti for the good (also, if you want it).

  7. Corie Weaver
    Twitter: coriejweaver

    Oh, the chicken. October was a whirl of things, and just this week I feel like things are starting to settle enough to be back in the routines I enjoy!

    The hard:
    Too many things going on to feel like I could settle into doing any of them.
    A week of sick that stretched on and on.
    Being told that a project that I really wanted to work probably wasn’t going to.

    The good:
    Writing! Wonderful writing!
    A new duvet cover – funny how such a minor thing makes such a change!
    I’m teaching in the spring! (which is terrifying, but what the heck!)

    Love and sparkles to all chickeneers who’d like some!
    Corie Weaver recently posted… Deserving Rest

  8. Leni says:

    hello everyone!

    Replenishing is just the word i’ve been thinking for what i need this month.

    the hard:
    -the work of care
    -being slakc at work, trying but not getting near as much done as i should. feeling sad and shame
    -watching Samhain blow right past me. i ws worried i’d miss it entirely
    -the fucking election and being constantly triggered by GOP politicians
    -beig triggered all the time. lots of terrible things in my mind, the TV always has more
    -sinking into violent tv too much. this is not a good thing
    -hitting what i deemed TooHeavy and feeling shitty about it
    -not loving my body right now
    -lots of intrusive thoughts and constant negative tapes playing.
    -missing my friendly dogs. feeling weird about missing someone else’s pet.
    -worry for my east coast peep but beng far too busy and freaked out to check in too far. everything horrible is horrible.

    the good:
    -it’s samhain!
    -went to a beautiful ritual with my coven then drove a few miles to a new women’s gathering that was the Perfect Thing
    -beautiful weather
    -hay, of all the MOUNTAINS of sweets in the office this week I had one or two, i did not snakc on crap every day
    -lnches and treats from vendors were appreciated this week
    -feeling blessed in my friendships
    -feeding the Boyz
    -ritual! so much ritual! all of it tight and focused
    -working out feels really marvelous. i went to yoga and piltes a bunch this week and it was wnonderful
    -tending th well better. yea for Replenishing!

  9. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium


    * ongoing lover’s quarrel with sugar and soda
    * letting various opportunities zip by, because I need the sleep more
    * melancholy feelings about other missed opportunities, lapsed friendships, and the gloomy like
    * feeling heavy-legged
    * getting caught up in ick-clicking

    * an author told my higher-ups that I am “the very best copy editor and indexer in the entire world.”
    * a lovely letter from my favorite boss/mentor from college
    ** also, he bought my book!
    * more iguanas out the door, and progress on the biggie
    * house is cleaner, thanks to my diligence
    * delightful visit w/my favorite seniors
    * letters and notes and other back-and-forths with the people still in my life
    * unexpectedly starting a new poem while in a museum

    Wishing everyone warmth and support. Shabbat shalom.
    Mechaieh recently posted… from Oprah’s interview of Barack and Michelle Obama

  10. Whitney
    Twitter: paleandnerdy

    Hello Chicken. Hello Chickeneers of the High Seas.

    The Hard:
    Bear time. Now extra-strength!
    So much physical pain.
    The night of 4 hours sleep.
    Feeling inadequate at work.
    Today was the day of crying a million times.
    All the fears! All the shame!
    Feeling stoopid
    People pleasing so much

    The Good:
    I am soaking in an Epsom Salt bath! This is fabulous for the bath and the smartphone that let’s me Chicken at the same time.
    Turns out that Actually, Nothing is Wrong. Whoa.
    I did Halloween very quietly, and I was cool with it.
    I didn’t eat more than I usually do. This would have seemed impossible a year ago.
    Getting paid, even though just the thought of money has been bringing up my stuff like whoa.
    Walks in the rain, with my umbrella and boots.
    Mad creativity
    Getting an overdue eyebrow wax. Those make me feel light, refreshed, taken care of, and pretty
    Love love love

  11. Jane
    Twitter: JaneOfArdis

    Yays for Crossing the Line and Rhiannon’s baby!

    The hard:

    The same damn problem raising it’s head again.

    Something not being what I thought it was.

    Having to take our felines to the vet in a bit. Not looking forward to trying to get both cats in the cat carriers.

    Stuff. And tripping over it.

    The good:

    New possibilities opening around me.

    A radical and unexpected change where I hadn’t even thought one was possible.

    Bellydancing! So much fun and it feels amazing. And I can do it in my room.

    Josiane’s Cosy Causerie. Again, so much fun!

    Taking time to welcome the new month and the turn of the seasons.

    Online dating is proving to be rather fun.

    Love to everyone! xx
    Jane recently posted… Oracles for November

  12. VickiB says:

    Another week is done! But what did *I* do?

    The Hard:
    – I fell asleep one afternoon and didn’t wake up till I was *late* for my class at the Community College. The one I teach.
    – I have a cold/drippy nose thing going on and it’s very tiring.
    – Cooler weather = heavier clothes + scarves and collars = more pain.
    – Deciding not to try to do Nano this year.

    The Good:
    + The classes I was awake for!
    + A plaid dress from the thrift store. I can’t tell you how much I love that dress.
    + Posting on the Floop about things that I’m happy about -> more focus on what’s good in my life.
    + Friends.
    + The pastor gave me the printout of his sermon from Sunday because I had questions about what he’d said (his words) and might have questions about what he said (his meaning or intention).
    + Art Every Day month.
    + Color, glorious color.
    + Plans, projects, ideas, and resources.


  13. Risa
    Twitter: lichtstrom_

    Hello Hello Chicken! Wild, wild week this week. Plus transformation and transition.

    My Ouch Hards:

    – Lovelyman left for 12 days. For a very good reason, but I miss him madly and it made me aware exactly how much he helps me hold it together.

    – Relevant to above: Experienced a huge mental meltdown that lasted Saturday through Monday.

    – Sandy hit Monday night.

    – Relevant to above: worryworryworrymonsters about friends and family.

    – Also relevant to above: hearing about all the deaths from the storm, from Haiti to here.

    – My working brain refused to get into gear all week long. I dislike feeling so… blunted.

    – Recognizing I have over a year’s worth of depletion from which I need to recover.

    – There is this place in my back that is refusing to relax, and when I’m trying to work it’s quite painful.

    My Whee Goods:

    * Andrea’s Creative With Money Playdate (http://www.creativemagicacademy.com/creative-money/). It was the last one she’s doing and I am SUPER grateful I took it. This woman is a genius.

    * I have to express gratitude for Metis, and the Floop, yet again. Particularly for support when I was freaking out. I think this will just Be Here until February…

    * Hearing amazing stories about how we all reach out to one another in times of crisis. I cried happy tears when I read about the National Guard carrying patients down many, many flights of stairs as hospitals were evacuated.

    * Some great storyfletching this past week.

    * The plants are flourishing in the cloudforest. :)

    * Halloween. Even if it was private and quiet.

    * Transformations and how marvelous the unfolding is.

    * Giving myself a “Nothing Doing” weekend.

    Love and luminescence to all the chickeneers, whether posting or lurking! You’re all amazing.
    Risa recently posted… Hello November!

  14. Elizabeth
    Twitter: Elizabetherself

    Love to all the chickens! Ouch for the hards, yay for the goods, I love reading and participating here, Havi thanks for making it possible, thanks everyone for your chickens.

    The Hard:
    Displaced to a relatives b/c of storm, then displaced again here to another place because power out here too, freezing, got a cold, stuff here there everywhere, packed unpacked where is my underwear etc etc ugh

    My own place not accessible b/c of downed trees, power out until next week

    Difficult to eat properly because meat/veg/bone broth is not so practical when you have no freezer/stove. (The hidden good: I see what a heroic effort it is to eat this way. And it’s totally normal to eat g-f toast for dinner if you’re too exhausted to move, increasing compassion and understanding of what a big stressful deal it is to try to eat so separately from what the food environment is)

    My disability becomes not-invisible anymore in this kind of situation, without the major systems I have in place in my normal life to support basic stuff–this hurricane camping is not fun with what I’ve got, camping just makes regularly challenging daily life things like cooking and cleaning and putting things away super extra hard and debilitatingly exhausting. Not fair, totally shitty, and makes me so mad all the stigma around invisible disabilities.

    Bone-crushing exhaustion. Hidden good: At least I’m not glossing it over, been doing some reading on disability stuff, it helps

    Scared that there doesn’t seem a path out of this–I am scared it isn’t going to get better. Without the cloak of invisibility around my disability it looks like I’m really kind of screwed, I see the reality of what I’ve lost and what I can’t participate in and it takes me out at the knees (there is some good in this, in seeing this as opposed to normal life when I see it less in order to stay sane)

    Total freakout of a familiar and longstanding kind at (silent retreat). This is funny–for some reason this is the one area I can get into a total panic freakout about–the one thing in life I ever want to like call my friends at work and interrupt them over with my freakout!–and it is really pretty inconsequential compared to so many other things I don’t even blink at anymore (god knows I’ve thrown away those graces). And it happened twice in a day. The good: I did shiva nata on the pattern and it changed. And there was a resource that was about listening that changed me.

    Got verbally abused by narcissist relative when I said I was too tired to talk, had to flee the scene, PTSD triggered for 2 days

    Someone talked at me for three hours STRAIGHT after I was doing all this epiphany induced listening (red flag for personality disorder)

    No work got done, scattered and weird (at least I understand this, awhile ago I would not have)

    I don’t really want to live here but I don’t really know where to go or how that would possibly work given my disability and need for support. Stuck (hidden good: I would move too fast if I actually had a direction)


    We got power back after 4 days. That was SUCH a joyful moment. Oh my god so happy and grateful.

    The food didn’t really rot, we had awesome coolers of ice and my mom got a couple of dozen of bottles of kombucha which made the whole thing like “glamping” in a way.

    The cold: I have all the tricks now! They work! So different. I am so happy. Cod liver oil, vitamin D, the one-step-beyond-the-neti-pot-waterpik attachment, bone broth holy crap. It used to take 2 weeks and turn into a sinus infection and a pointless $40 echinacea bill only to be followed by antibiotics/steroids! So grateful. A miracle, I really never thought it would change for me, that pattern. 2 days. Yay.

    I did 20 minutes of shivanata on my freakout and it totally changed the pattern pretty much immediately and then more and more in next 48 hours

    Ephiphany: I really am WAY too invested in being right and it’s so much easier to just sit there and listen. (Well not for 3 hours!) (though how illuminating!) Some of not listening is a writer thing– trying to get the dialogue the story to the best, smartest place the fastest without repetition and boringness, but it diminishes the other person (especially a guy telling a war story that you’ve heard a million times) Brain is tired but this is a huge one for me. More to come in next several months, yay.

    Oh god, and this good thing: I became friends with someone on the opposite side of the political spectrum. A person on the side that I find, you know, all the things: totally gross and heartless and delusional. And it is hilariously beneficial this week! No matter who wins the election, I will be a little sad because I know my friend will be sad if their side loses.

    What an awesome buffer to all the election anxiety hell hole crazytown twister game going on. Shines a light on: me getting in some argument doesn’t actually do anything. Me not arguing with someone even if their point of view is full of so many logical holes, privileged bias, and fake facts, creates peace. My argument would not have swayed them. That’s just who they are and what they believe in. Save the arguing/strong points of view for the one place right now that does anything which is, you know, my actual job. Having a friend on the other side is the perfect remedy, weirdly, for election anxiety. Puts my focus on what I can actually do.

    Peace and clarity around (silent retreat) that made the trigger look just like a trigger, not like this big horrible thing. The freakouts cleared so fast.

    Weekend downtime and support in resting. Homemade mayo, chicken salad, meatballs, stew, we are back on track!


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