In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Wow, that was a week, wasn’t it.
I am lighting a candle.
For everything that fizzled and died, for everything (well, internal hope-filled sparks of potential) that came into being, and for the things that are unresolved. Just marking the moment.
The hard stuff
The death of the most important ritual and the Giant Misunderstanding.
After all that stuff I went through last week processing the loss of rituals, I had been secretly comforting myself with the thought that hey at least the most important one isn’t going anywhere.
And then it did. It disappeared in the most abrupt and alarming way, with no warning.
This resulted in the day of the Giant Misunderstanding. I felt lost, at a loss, not sure where or how, what to say, which door to look for. And then six days later it resulted in the Giant Understanding. Which was somehow worse. I mean, better. But worse.
Having to work work work on the weekend.
It all needed to happen so that the pirate crew was prepared for us to open, and to get things ready for Rally (Rally!) on Monday, but good god I hate working on the weekend.
Plus/and/related: this coincided with an unbearable headache of doom.
A worry about a thing and, of course, I cannot do anything about it.
Waiting it out. Bringing it to the fountain and throwing things into the pot, and wish-hoping.
But it feels really frustrating. I feel uncomfortable when things are in the air, and this is a really big thing. And there is a lot of In The Air.
A lot of air, in general, really. Yes.
Hello, all this air. Hello, endless skies. We will figure this out.
One pattern down, the next round .
Okay, morning pellet pattern is totally resolved. That is HUGE. Yes. But 5pm-ish pellet pattern was still problematic….
Here is what I noticed.
The pattern of the Sunday Night sadness.
My god this has been going on for years, hasn’t it.
Agonizing over the same old thing.
It’s a hard hard stupid-hard road, loving someone who struggles with addiction and struggles with recovery and just struggles, period. I don’t wish this on anyone.
This week I was in my stuff about their stuff. Love was important (it always is), and it was tinged with so much pain.
I did shiva nata for this every day and that helped, for long stretches of time at least, which is movement. Old pain, old pain, old pain. Hello, goodbye.
Canceled my trip to Boston.
I had been looking forward to this so very much. It isn’t going to happen.
The internal monster collective is absolutely rejoicing over this. They’ve been whispering “pipe dream pipe dream” the entire time, and now they are having the most enthusiastic parade of all time.
With streamers and dancing on floats. And troll trance music. Doonsk doonsk doonsk! Oh, sorry: reference.
It’s a gigantic I Told You So themed parade, and they are filled with delight over having saved me from all that potential doom and despair.
Oh, you guys. I love how much you love me. And this does not mean that you are right.
The sad, sad, saddest goodbye.
Everything reconfigures. Everything reconfigures. Everything reconfigures.
The good stuff
The giant misunderstanding: resolved!
Of course. I forgot about the superpower of Everything That Seems To Be Wrong Is Just A Misunderstanding.
And also that misunderstandings can be untangled with love and gentleness.
This one was untangled. It turned out to have been a fluke of technology. The thing I wanted to happen had already happened while I was mourning it not happening.
So there’s that. I would like to remember that. Let all the crossed wires be returned to their homes. Thank you.
Exactly what I needed.
The Hush Hush Pirate Crew Rendezvous was a smashing success.
This was the 90 minute thing I ran on Saturday for the people who help me run Stompopolis. Also I ran an experiment and it worked.
We had fun. We laughed. We sparkled. We made things magical.
We did outrageously transformational shiva nata with the following words: 1. Brilliance. 2. Rainbows. 3. Majesty. 4. Revealing. 5. Expansiveness. 6. Exuberance. 7. Tingle-joy. 8. Alignment.
Doing Level 3 with those revealed (yes) all sorts of things, and we aligned with the tingle-joy in exuberant ways, as predicted.
Also we frolicked and blew bubbles and pretended that the floor was lava and that the orange mats turn you into zombies but the purple ones turn you back.
It was the best.
Sometimes I get all stressed out about Being The Director Of An Institution, but since this is what we do instead of having meetings? I am actually okay with it. And we sang.
And we rang secret bells and then the entire world lit up and sparkled. That sounds impossibly cheesy, but it is PURE TRUTH.
Zombie Thriller! Qu’est-ce que c’est.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better…
That’s me channeling Michael Jackson and the Talking Heads at the same time for practicing Zombie Thriller. As you probably know, nothing makes me happier than dancing it up to fabulous choreography.
We had Thriller dance practice in the park. It was awesome. Plus you can sing it to Psycho Killer. Zombie Thriller! Qu’est-ce que c’est. Run run run run run run run away…
Meeting an old pattern with love.
The old Sunday night sadness from then hit.
And I saw it for what it was.
And I was at the Hidden Playground, so I took my body to the red rug so we could do yoga together.
What followed was the sweetest and most loving two hours of my entire life. Every single moment was the pure essence of love and trust. It felt like my body could release anything, contain anything, always love me more.
This is not usually the way my body and I feel about each other, it was new and deep and a word that is maybe a cousin to “special” but a word that I haven’t learned yet.
Then Toozday and Thursday night I also did playground yoga with Lady Chuck and it was also incredible. Stuff. It is moving.
Repatterning. Lots and lots and lots of repatterning
I gave pellet pattern a lot of loving attention this week and learned all sorts of useful things that are changing everything.
I said goodbye to a thing that needed saying goodbye to, and I said hello to the anguish that accompanied that goodbye, and I was courageous and loving instead of running away or hiding or writhing in pain and resentment. This is new and big.
What else? I called bullshit on the Script of Helplessness and What-if. I called on the internal scientists to review the data and demonstrate to the monster collective that actually things are fine.
I came to an understanding. I am done with old narratives. I am returning to truth. Everything that appears to be against me is an illusion.
See also: the ongoing working hypothesis that everything that goes wrong mainly goes wrong because of either lack of sleep and resultant Zombie Day (™) or because of Desperately In Need Of Shower. Evidence is pointing in this direction.
Yes. There’s also that.
I had another hard conversation, two of them, and I am getting better at this.
I am getting so much better at initiating these awful conversations of pain and hashing-out and endings.
And I’m not waiting for weeks to psych myself up for it, just doing it. And not damaging my body with all the stress.
Well, okay, horrible heat rash of doom this week that no one could see but that I couldn’t stop thinking about. But it’s still less wear and tear on my body than this has been in the past.
I am the Chief Congruencing Officer!
And I don’t really have anything to add to that.
It was exactly the right job for me this week.
Writing. Back. Oh, voice.
Something broke open for me this week in a big and important way.
Thank you, Rally.
I wrote a blog post. I wrote a Shiva Nata blog post. Two of them, actually. Only one is up right now. The one about how Shiva Nata saved my life three times, and not metaphorically. Though also. Of course also.
But that is not the point. The point is: I have words! Again. To share. With you.
UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE. I am writing again, I am writing again! I am saying everything twice, I am saying everything twice!
Rally! Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally.
Oh. My. God. There are not enough exclamation points to exclaim about Rally.
And how unbelievably amazing Rally is. (Rally! Come to Rally!).
Oh this group. The fun, the laughter, the hilarity, the importance, the breakthroughs, the wonder, the delight, the sparkling sparkling of all of it. YES. Yes to this Rally.
This was the 22nd Rally in a row. I was pretty much expecting it to be incredible. But mind still blown. And heart blown open.
Also we invented secret Rally sign language. So now we have special signs for Yay! and Zing! and CLARITY.
Flow! Zoom! Zing! Stuff like that.
I got outrageous amounts of work done this week because Rally did a magic on me and I was IN THE ZONE.
Sparks were sparking. Everything worked.
Finding all the right clews.
Trusting. Trusting some more.
And, fortunately for me, when I remember, this is my expertise. Reconfiguring.
I teach it and I live it and I dance it out with shiva nata every day, so really if you think about it, no one is better equipped than I am to deal with this particular reconfiguration.
I can deal with not-Boston. I can deal with endings. I can deal with all of this. I have the resources and I know how to return to the source, and this is going to be okay. I don’t have to know how it’s going to work. I just have to keep doing what I know.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band showed up at Rally this week, much to our collective surprise.
They were there promoting their debut album which is called There Is A Lot Of Vacuuming In The Fortress, and which is sure to be a smashing success.
The band’s name?
Non Linear Ooze.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
And with thanks to Elizabeth!
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I have to highly recommend the monster coloring book. It worked several miracles this week for everyone at Rally. And for me.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
I am lighting my candle. You can light one with me if you want.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.