In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
You guys! This week! This week! This was the best week!
I really needed a week like this with all that’s been going on the past several months.
But also everything just kind of conspired towards presence this week. That feels really good to type.
Anyway, I’m glad to be here in this particular Friday at this particular moment. Hi, Friday. Hi, lovely people. Hi, ritual of checking-in through chickening.
The hard stuff
Today was hard. Very hard.
Needing to say a thing and not having the words for it.
Waiting for courage and waiting for insight, hoping that the choice to wait is the right one but not getting a hit one way or another.
Choosing patience and second-guessing it.
Missing something that is not here.
Longing can be really fun sometimes.
Except that at other times it’s kind of excruciating.
Not having pirate crew in place.
And then having to do a bunch of stuff at Rally that made way more work for me.
Also: not realizing that this was going to be as hard on me as it ended up being. So that was super interesting to notice, and also not fun.
Not having a checklist in place and all hell breaking loose.
But definitely seeing just what kind of disastrous stuff can happen when that mechanism is not in place.
And also all the resistance and shame and distress around that.
And the thing that I want now is magical, special, vital, fun, vibrant, alive and even a little big holy.
So I need to sort that out.
The question. “What might I do differently if I got a do-over?”
That brought up a lot of painful stuff about THEN.
Process, grief, regrets, not-regrets, all of it.
Luckily once I realized that it was the wrong question for that particular moment, I was able to enter the situation with a new question:
“What would help me feel better?”
Misunderstandings and crossed wires.
First with the neighbors, then online, then at home.
The noise the noise the noise the noise.
The house next to the Playground, the electricians in the crawl space, the handyman on the roof, the dripping from the leak in the roof, so many forms of noise.
I was extremely unhappy about this.
Seeing the vision and not knowing how yet.
The good stuff
So! Much! Good!
It was kind of overwhelming, actually.
I’m not used to this. I could get used to this.
There are not enough exclamation points for how I feel about this.
It was Rally (Rally!) and it was Rally #21, and something about the twentyfirst-ness of it all just clicked for me.
I felt like I knew all of Rally’s secrets, and we were making magic together.
Also, this group was so amazing. And so much fun!
WHAT A JOY. I loved this Rally and I loved everything about it.
I was able to walk every day and go swing in the swings every day, and to visit all the roses.
The roses, they are spectacular. And I visited them every single day.
The unbelievably incredible Shiva Nata that I was doing on my own.
Oh brain, oh love oh delight.
I am a melting puddle of appreciation, wonder, discovery and sparkling.
The unbelievably incredible Shiva Nata that I did at Rally.
This was a courageous, fun group and they were up for anything.
So I brought out the crazy. As I shared over on the Shiva Nata blog:
Intense is not even the word for it. It was extraordinary and glowing.
An outlandishly luscious class. We were subsumed by flames and stuff like that. Shiva was all hey lady, would you like some deconstruction because I can bring it. Like that. I may have broken them.
Or we may have broken everything. But in the most compassionately loving and playful way ever. It was awesome.
And after the class was over and we were all internally reconfigured, I knew (in that fleeting moment) all the truths about all the truths. Including about the loving gift that is being harmonious with the truths.
And! One of our Shiva Nata combinations was “discovering all the delights and delighting in all the discoveries.” Wow.
And GET THIS. I DID THAT THIS WEEK! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
That was a really big deal.
Marisa was here!
We had secret dinner and pub night, and then she came to the Playground to sneak me away to lunch in the park.
Everything is better now.
The thing that has been the second biggest source of grief, pain and anguish for the past four months untangled itself, and I was finally able to write the post I’d been terrified of writing.
In TWENTY MINUTES.
The thing that I have been unable to say for months because of my fear of being misunderstood and/or everyone hating me for saying it ended up being easy and simple and pure.
That’s because Rally is magic and Shiva Nata is extraordinary.
I did it! I met my big fear that people would misunderstand me, and I was okay. And everyone said the sweetest things. And then of course later some people did misunderstand me, but that was also okay!
Do you see?
The other shift.
There was epically unbelievable destuckifying this week, which showed up in a brand-new superpower that I didn’t even know about and certainly had not imagined that I would now have it:
The superpower of IMPERVIOUSNESS.
I got it this week. It just showed up. Along with new and much better boundaries.
For some reason all the things that I normally might take personally just weren’t personal anymore. It was outrageously great.
Results and mice, because on those shifts.
In so many ways, but, for example, I said a ridiculously scary and most-vulnerable-ever thing to someone, and it brought all sorts of unexpected good things into my life.
Including a mouse riot. Several mouse riots! This is a proxy and I can’t explain, but just assume that this is the best possible thing ever, and that the thing that I desired is the thing that is actually happening, and that it’s even better than I was picturing it. Mouse! Riots!
And yes, these are the same mice who were serving lunch last week.
Getting to meet the most lovely and amazing people.
I got to be with the most marvelous people at Rally!
We all just twinkled at each other and adored each other all week long.
Also Belle was there. She and being-alive are having the most passionate love affair ever, and I want to be exactly like her when I am 66. That is my plan!
Extreme cuteness in the Toy Shop.
We got brand new cuteness in the Toy Shop and it is so cute that I cried.
And then everyone bought everything. Yay.
Wisdom from an unexpected source.
Thanks to Ealasaid for the reading.
I’m part angel now.
It’s not what that sounds like, but I don’t know how to explain it yet. The point is, a really gigantic change that has been on its way for years finally got ACTIVATED, and it was extraordinary.
Loving a thing I used to hate, and getting to feel what that is like.
My least favorite yoga pose, aside from matsyasana (fish pose) and any variation on handstand (I love arm balances, as long as I am not upside down) is ustrasana, camel pose.
I never do it on my own, and in a class I will pretty much always exit about five seconds early.
Sometimes I do it with Bryan, and every once in a blue moon I stay in it the entire time.
Yesterday? I didn’t want to get out of camel pose. I wasn’t done.
What?!?!? That has never, ever, ever, happened, and it never occurred to me that it might. I mean, it’s not my pose. But yesterday it was, and I felt lusciously in it instead of the usual thing which is more like intentional being-present-with-my-discomfort combined with awareness of how intense my discomfort is.
And this is related to all the things that came from the new Shiva Nata stuff, specifically the impervious force field, the new grounding, the new support.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is a band I heard of through Danielle:
They’re loud, raucous, spiritual, dorky and hilarious. They play pirate music! At least I think they do. Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
If you have not been to a Rally (Rally!), get yourself to a Rally.
It’s a thousand billion trillion times more everything than what you think.
Also prices have to go up next month and next month is in like a week or something.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.