In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
One hundred and ninety nine chickens, you guys!
Take one down…
Pass it around…
The hard stuff
Not ready to come back to Portland.
My half-Emergency-Vacation-half-chrysalis ended before I was ready for it to end. Noooooooo! Not ready!
I did sneak in one extra day because Slightly Future Me told me to (and, as it turns out, she is a genius).
But I really didn’t want to come back.
Add to this: realizing I’d severely underestimated a) my state of depletion, b) necessary amount of recovery time, c) my desire to be on my own to do on-my-own stuff.
Endings, in general.
Lots of them right now.
It’s been really interesting (interesting-hard!) to see which ones are standing in as proxies for other ones.
For example, I shed tears and agonized over a tiny, meaningless ending related to a television show that I don’t even like, but had pretty much no reaction to a much bigger ending.
Wanting things to be done that are not done.
Like the website for Stompopolis.
Or the system change that will allow us to open.
Other things outside of work that seem to be in a state of limbo.
Discovering a thing that I want, but not yet having the resources in place that allow me to act on the wanting.
Oh, and dark circles under my eyes.
Discovering a Gigantic Flaw in a thing that was almost ready.
And trying to solve it.
That’s pretty much never fun.
Change is good but figuring out new reconfigurations is hard, y’all.
That’s all I want to say about that, so silent retreat!
The good stuff
Being on chrysalis changed EVERYTHING.
And I know I said that last week, but it was actually the weekend part of chrysalis where things really all started to make sense.
Trusting my instincts even when they seemed preposterous.
I committed to listening to Incoming Me.
I didn’t buy a bus ticket home because she told me not to. I moved hotels when she said to move hotels.
Basically I did every single thing she told me, and it was all exactly just right.
She even had all sorts of perfect simple solutions for things that usually set off all my stuff.
I pretended it was a Toozday, and then it mysteriously and astonishingly turned out to be the best Toozday ever.
Not only was I outrageously wrong about a bunch of things I’d assumed were true, I was actually DELIGHTED to discover this was the case.
Turns out that all sorts of things I’d thought were Giant Depressing Pieces of Truth That Need To Be Resolved Over Time were all monster mutterings.
Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad.
This is what came to me like a clear ringing bell the morning after our craziest Shiva Nata practice at Rally.
Endings. Are. Not. Bad.
I knew that before but this time it was that full-body tingly truth that is the hallmark of the kind of epiphany that can only be described as stoopid.
Everything is starting to feel more harmonious and congruent. This is a very big deal.
Derby! Derby! Derby!
Admittedly the national season got off to a shaky start with Rose City’s Wheels of Justice playing disastrously against Windy City and then pulling out a miracle to win in the last jam.
But then beating Denver felt really solid. We had the lead the entire time. They skated hard but it just didn’t matter.
But then this past weekend was seriously nail-bitey, with an away game against the Texecutioners. That win was just pure delight. I can’t even tell you how happy I am about it. Final score 148:117.
And then the team went on to beat Houston the next day 301-79. Just for fun.
Reconnecting to my superpowers.
First I had the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
Then I had the superpower (thanks to Shiva Nata) of realizing that Especially The Things That Seem The Most Wrong Are Actually Amazing! And then I was able to find the good super fast, instead of wallowing in the hard and then finding the good.
Plus I reconnected with the me who knows about luscious, after thinking I had lost her forever. Wow.
Understandings, realizations, being knocked over by amazement.
Plus a bridge talked to me! Again. But this time it was different.
WATER. Bathing and looking out at the water. Doing yoga and looking out at the water. Waking up and looking out at the water. Watching the water.
Past me is also a genius, as it turns out.
A precaution that past me built into my phone’s contact list a year ago came to my rescue this week in an absolutely remarkable way!
And yay, person who found my phone and knew exactly what to do.
I had the hard conversation and I am still okay.
None of the terrifying things I’d feared came to pass.
The courage that I asked for in the Very Personal Ads on Sunday was there when I needed it.
Especially: having an evening at home with both time to myself and energy to putter.
Lots of cleaning up, reorganizing and congruence-ing. I can’t remember the last time this happened.
Rally! Rally #20.
Yet again, a bunch of bright, clever, creative, funny, sweet, thoughtful, goofy, kind-hearted people showed up at the Playground to Rally (Rally!) with me.
We giggled, we ate amazing food, we had tingly epiphanies, we changed our internal worlds.
RALLY. It is Not. Like. Anything. Else.
People talking about Rally magic in the Twitter bar.
Amy asked what Rally is like.
And here’s how people who have been to Rally replied:
Leela: Space for your brain to melt so it can reshape the way it really wants to be.
Simone: It’s where I learned about being Loved for the first time in my life.
Andrea: It’s like a magical grilled cheese that finishes your projects + makes you more money.
And then there’s always this exactly-right post….
Of course none of these things really describe Rally, because Rally DOES NOT TRANSLATE.
It can’t be described because of the way it’s constantly magic-ing things up between the raindrops and below the surface.
But these are all perfect beautiful koans that sum up truth. Truth!
Also, these people are now all my friends because when you do something as intense and beautiful as Rally, you kind of can’t help madly loving the amazing people who are there with you.
Huge appreciation for everyone who has Rallied and for everyone who will Rally and for everyone who might, who knows, someday possibly be able to consider Rally or whatever marvelous thing I will be experimenting with when the time comes.
We’ll be at 200 chickens next week.
We’ve never missed a week.
I wish I could go whisper-that to past-me who didn’t think we’d make it past ten.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is louder than you’d expect.
Shady Government Agency
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Rally prices go up soon. Come. To. A. Rally.
June might be full? I have to check with the First Mate and then update the page. But there are a couple spots for July and September.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.