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We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.


Friday Chicken #193: Stop, drop and picnic

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Such a better week for me than last week.

Giggling happily instead of crying. I needed this one.

The hard stuff

So. Much. To. Do.

We are working our asses off to open Stompopolis, and it is completely all-consuming.

And guess who has to come up with systems and operating manuals, procedures and protocol for five different businesses running on five different business models? Yup, that would be me. And I know, it’s my company so of course it’s me, but it is way too much for me, and I am insanely jealous of my friend who is opening a shop, because OHMYGOD A SHOP is so freaking easy compared to what we’re trying to do here.

Painful dreams.


Plans changing.

Worse, crazy-inconsiderate decisions that force the plan-changing.


It’s the worst.

Also: I would like everyone in my life to please stop calling me to find out if I’m okay. I know it’s meant to be helpful but it’s not helpful. It just gives me more things on my mind when what I need most is FEWER things. If I wanted to talk, I would be talking.

There are fewer hours in the day than I think they are.

It is astonishing how I can be so very good at overestimating my capacity, as well as the capacity of everything else.

Big argument.

It didn’t last long but it hurt.

Resentment about being inside when the sun is out.

I don’t think I’ve been this pissed off about having to do indoor things in spring since high school.

Of course I really and truly tried to run outdoors every time the sun peeked out, but it was not enough.


Putting “work emergencies” ahead of me.

I know from experience that this is always the wrong decision, and that taking care of myself first is imperative. It is such an Absolutely Absolutely that it trumps all the other absolutely absolutelies.

And yet I broke this rule four different times this week, and paid for it each time. This can’t happen.

Being wrong.

Specifically: thinking that now is going to be like then when actually now is quite and completely different from then.

Which is good, because all that stuff from then was awful.

But getting sucked back into that basic misunderstanding.

Why is there pizza everywhere? I want some so badly it’s driving me crazy.

Stupid Passover. Craving everything. Wanting to snatch pretzel sticks out of the hands of innocent toddlers.


Oh, right. This weekend. Fine.

The good stuff

Sun in the park.

Picnics in the park.

Magics in the park.

Everything is good when there is sun.

And then I made a Highly Improbable wish and it came true almost instantaneously.


The stone of DO IT.

I have a stone! It says Do It!

Actually without the exclamation point, but I can feel the exclamation point.

Sometimes Rummy the squirrel carries the stone and sometimes I put the stone in front of me when I’m doing yoga, for extra reminders.

Dooo it!

Giant epiphany of epiphanies.

Yay, Shiva Nata.

And yay yoga.

Amazing wonderful everything-yoga and Shiva Nata this week at the Playground.

Full of laughter and delight, ending with full body tingling buzzing vibrating pure state of happy, in the full KNOWING of the new epiphanies that are completely blowing my mind.


Potato kugel.

Mmmm kugel.

Getting what I need, in a variety of forms.

Lots of help from Chuck and Danielle.

Going to special magical Portland-ey places and finding exactly the pieces that the new Playground needs.

We found the right desk, we found the right materials for the new Costumery, everything is happening!

The Floop!

I love the Floating Playground so much, I can’t even tell you how delighted I am.

People are seriously living by the stuff we practice here, and it is rippling out into the world and it is incredible.


Feels really, really good.

Hopeful and excited!!!

Yes. More of that, please.

Soaking in the hidden pool.

Everything is good.


And buying them for me. Without needing a reason.

Just happy

I’ve been working through a lot of hard and it is moving out of my space, and that feels really important.

Plus, Chuck and I were practicing Stop, Drop & Picnic all week, which makes everything better too. It really, really, really does. Try it!

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band isn’t playing until after Saturday, sadly.

But the show is going to be awesome.

Reunited With The Glory Of Bread Products

They make os much noise, you’d never guess that it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Do you have the monster manual? Not only does it come with the best coloring book in the world (and coloring my monsters was one of the things that made this week so much better than last week), but it is absolutely the most important information about how to interact with internal fear-mongers (and external ones too, since they often say the same things).

If you’ve been thinking about getting it, now would be a good time. Especially because we’re going to be reconfiguring the shop and some prices will go up. Anyway, monster manual & coloring book!

ALSO, do a lovely thing for our @evejacques (and for …the world!) by liking this facebook page about Mark Hamill playing the Joker in the animated Killing Joke.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

24 Responses to Friday Chicken #193: Stop, drop and picnic

  1. Katie Hart
    Twitter: yogiconomist

    Cheers Chickeneers!

    The Hard
    – losing my weekends plus my Wednesday nights … yes I know I did this on purpose so I’d work less at night and on the weekend but it is soooooo hard
    – a student’s Unfortunate Choice of Action is having consequences that suck up my time in paper work and meetings and judicial affairs
    – trying on jeans

    The Good
    – devoting my weekends and Wednesday nights to yoga!
    – plane tickets for upcoming travels are all quite reasonably priced
    – finding 3 new summer weight/style blazers for work
    Katie Hart recently posted… Systematic Relaxtion Lowers Blood Pressure

  2. Eve
    Twitter: evejacques

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Thank you so much! It means the world to me that you mentioned the Killing Joke petition :)

    Also, SO glad you had a better week! Was praying my arse off (Haha, praying my arse off! I think that belongs to the same school of religious talk as ‘kosher-ass household’ :D )

  3. Rhiannon
    Twitter: rhiannonlaurie

    Hey guess what! This week was better for me too!

    The hard:

    – My gentleman friend is out of town and I HATE it. And I hate how much I hate it and I hate the small parts of me that like it and ARGH I MISS HIM SO MUCH. Also it reminds me a lot of *then*, even though that particular then has has never had anything to do with *this* relationship.

    – Seconding the annoying thing that is people calling to check up on you even when they mean it well. It makes me go SLOWER, people.

    – Waking up all the time freaking out about wedding to-dos. Like, every morning jumping out of bed thinking something like “CALL THE CATERERS!” The urgency is not helpful.

    – Not being able to work. And then being better but still not being able to work. And having to do lots of other things that are good for me that I don’t necessarily completely agree with.

    – Money. :(

    The Good:

    – SUNSHINE! Along with my new raincoat, this has allowed me to outside walking *at least* an hour every single day. I love it.

    – Flowers, birdsong, sleeping with the window open, and wearing fewer articles of clothing.

    – Acupuncture fixed me! And now I don’t hurt, which means I don’t have panic attacks, which means I get an extra three hours of not hyperventilating and crying every evening. So so so so grateful.

    – We also found a midwife we like, and she is perfect in pretty much every way and she gave me homework and I like it. It’s like Virgo fest around here. Plus next week we get to take tests and measurements! Exciting.

    – Also, she told me to eat all the sushi I want, and I got to have salmon nigiri, and it was HEAVENLY!

    – Now that I don’t feel like I’m dying, I get to be really excited! And make a thousand million plans. Including a giant new section on plans for Bolivia in my Book of Me.

    – My favorite great-aunt and great-uncle are driving all the way from Maine to come to our wedding! I can’t wait to see them!

    Yay! I’m a real person again!
    Rhiannon recently posted… The Logbook, Part 7

  4. seagirl says:

    Yay Chicken!

    The Hard:
    Some hurt feelings last night. Shoes, I suppose.

    The Good:
    New sheets! And comforters! And waste baskets! Yay spring and birthday money!
    Spring cleaning!
    Sushi for dinner tonight!
    Rose’, lots of rose’ for summer. And spring.

  5. Riv
    Twitter: PurpleshinyRiv

    Ohh, at first I thought the headline was “stop, drop and PANIC”! I like picnics much better.

    -Sick. NOT FUN.
    -The accompanying tired, fogginess, not-doing… being behind on laundry and not going to yoga. Little ways in which I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing things as much as I usually like to.
    -Something emotionally trying that I’m going to silent retreat on

    -Making slow and steady progress at work. Finished a mini-project that had been worryingly strung out, whew!
    -Awesome ginger-lemon tea
    -The Lazarus extension for Firefox! Nobody should have to lose their work because of website timeouts or accidental tab-closings!
    -Now is not then. It just isn’t. And that’s awesome.
    Riv recently posted… From my computer to paper to metal to paper

  6. Beth Freeman
    Twitter: fantheember

    I’m so happy the week was better for you, Havi and Rhiannon! World is happy :)

    The hard:
    *It’s been really hard to get things done lately, and I’m kind of at a loss for why. Workings on it has not… worked.
    *Shoes. And being blinded by shoes, and then seeing nothing but shoes.
    *A client declining to continue classes because of attraction to me. Stirring up All sorts of icky not-now stuff.

    The good:
    *Ha, two classes cancelled this week. And I was able to rejoice! Because, space. And these obviously were not very sovereign classes for me.
    *Easter this weekend – it was great! Parents came successfully, were tourists in Denver, saw giraffes…
    *Happy new awesome client *crosses fingers*
    *Hours and hours of teaching this week. Yay!
    *Getting things prepared for a weforia (basically groupon) deal… updating website, facebook, new pages, etc… I didn’t get all I dreamed of done, but I think I got enough.
    *SO MUCH Shiva Nata! Two classes, and regular practice. Brain feels sparky-happy.
    Beth Freeman recently posted… My first yoga teacher… was a shop teacher.

  7. Kaari
    Twitter: kaarib

    Hello Friday Chicken!

    Last week was full of hard and sad. This week has been giggles and happiness, for no discernible reason. Looking for ways to have more of this and less of that.

    Got contacted by a client who dropped off the radar last year, which means possible work. Fun work!

    Running and yoga and dancing, and Andy Dolph‘s journey of clearing meditation. Meditation that works!

    Lots of writing, both in my amusing novel and in my notebook of life.

    Actually taking time away from the computer and the internet-river. Thinking, plotting, and talking to people.

    Lots and lots of sleep.

    Life is good.

  8. Jesse
    Twitter: persnicket

    Stop, drop and picnic! I love it :)

    Chickening the week that was…

    The Hard

    A very tired week.
    And then nightmares and waking up way way too early and not being able to fall back asleep, and general ugh-ness of this.

    Hurting my foot on Saturday made me super grumpy, unable to walk for a few days, and scared that I’d caused another hairline fracture like two years ago.

    My marriage.
    Therapy on Wednesday, and then having to have an “emergency” discussion afterward because things might be falling apart in a different way than before. Walking around all week with this heavy feeling in my heart, sad but empty and dead. Facing the abyss, and the abyss looks back and says nothing.

    A cancellation.
    Deciding to scrap the DOJ grant application after putting SO MUCH WORK INTO IT and feeling frustrated for all the repercussions of this in my worklife.

    Defensiveness, stuff in general.
    My stuff got stepped on, or I left it out to get stepped on, and I became super defensive in a meeting with my boss yesterday. Definitely not my favorite: feeling incompetent, despairing at impossible demands from my boss. Feeling like “focus on this other stuff” is really a message that “I disapprove of you working on all this diversity stuff” which just calls up too much rage to handle right now.

    The dead feeling is everywhere.
    But especially in the evenings, when my toddler would most like to climb all over me and it is just the worst.

    No Passover.
    I felt very, very strongly about wanting holding a seder, even a super sketchy one, and it didn’t happen. There was some good reasoning there, but I was grumpy about it nonetheless.

    Onto the good stuff!

    Bits of it all over the place, and warmth! And the peas are coming up in our container garden!

    Body happiness
    Barring the foot injury, a lot of fun body things this week: mad giggling hula hooping, a bike ride on a secret new route, and discovering treasures while adventuring in the park. I was very happy about that :)

    It became a lot more plentiful once that grant was scrapped, which was nice. I’m very grateful not to be madly working towards a next Tuesday submission deadline anymore!

    Office magics.
    My new standing desk was approved! And ordered! And shoes were flung about it but I zapped them with my sovereignty forcefield! Zap zap! My plan to Playground-ify my workspace is coming true, and I’m using my congruence superpowers to make it happen. Yes.

    The Floop.
    All the clarity I needed this week. And all the chickens for getting chickens done.

    I put batteries in my old walkman and listened to really old tapes, and it was a moment of joy and excitement, like the past just reached out and goosed me.

    A new goal
    I’ve decided I am going to do handstands again. And hula hooping and skipping rope, too. I am on a mission to make this summer fun in various old fashioned ways.

    Easter party!
    I didn’t get my Passover seder, but I did get an Easter party, and it was a lot of fun. Decadent baked goods, delicious bloody marys, and a lentil quinoa asparagus salad I made up and everyone praised highly. Oh, and all the chocolate you could shake a stick at :)


    I am so very happy this week is at a close, and that I get to leave early and go home and be at peace, hopefully. Love and hugs to everyone, and happy weekending :)
    Jesse recently posted… Mini Project Cards — a gift for you!

  9. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium


    * my skin feels like it’s been scoured by sandpaper, and I’m guessing something viral is at the root of that
    * requests I didn’t feel up to welcoming
    * unpleasant encounters with bureaucrats
    * icky salad
    * wanting to be done with things rather than doing them


    * I don’t have to leave the house again until Monday, as far as I know
    * mentors and cheerleaders and people wanting to spend time with me
    * teaching a friend about the “undo send” app in gmail
    * I’m in the lead in A Month in the Sun (fantasy tennis league), at least for another hour. ;-)
    * White Sox thumped the Indians, and won their home opener, too
    * knowing Nashville well enough to detour around this afternoon’s traffic snarls
    * book sales
    * compliments on the contents

    Shabbat shalom to all, and best wishes for a beautiful week.
    Mechaieh recently posted… sprawling, yet (mostly) meticulous

  10. Lori Paximadis
    Twitter: Virtuallori

    @Riv, I read that as “stop, drop, and panic,” too. Totally fits my week. So, chicken!

    This week’s hard:
    – Piles and piles and piles of work.
    – Reality check from my doctor.
    – Hurty knee; yesterday’s walk was hard to finish, and I ended up skipping today’s.

    This week’s good:
    – Kickass Monday afternoon being all cultural with my sister, my niece, and my niece’s friend. Twelve-year-olds are fun.
    – Socializing and strategizing this afternoon.
    – New projects coming in and the monies the represent.
    – Ninja skills in tetrising the calendar this week to make everything happen. (Thanks to the Deguiltified Chicken board over in the Floop.)

    Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
    Lori Paximadis recently posted… Wade Chapel at Lakeview Cemetery

  11. Loon says:

    This week seems to have been a lot like last week. Which means something is up.

    The Hard:
    – Grief, again. I keep forgetting that it’s there, and that it is legitimate. And then I get the foggy feeling and get angry at myself because why can’t I concentrate, damnit!? Don’t I know I have so much work to do?! And then the emptiness comes, and then the inability to care, and the doom and feeling like nothing will ever get better (even though everything is fine), and by the time I realize I’m crying over losing Bunny, I’ve already beat myself silly with the shoulds and chastisement and I’m too exhausted to interact with any of the stuff. I need to make some sort of a reminder for this.
    – Still more guilt, that will not go away until I speak to Hyacinth and apologize. And explain what is wrong and why I have not felt able to ask for help. And explain why I feel the need to apologize, even though I didn’t do anything “wrong.”
    – Feeling like I don’t deserve things. ANY things, where things include immaterial things, like life.
    – Block on the essay. Biggest. block. ever.
    – Had to ask for an extension on the essay, which means a super tight schedule until the 23rd.
    – Inability to say “no” to someone. Feeling drained. And really really really just wanting them to go away and manage their own stuff. (Yes, I know, I’m not exercizing my sovereignty. So much stuff this week.)
    – Lower respiratory tract infection. Slight, but tiring.
    – Not knowing what I need. Clearly, with super tight schedule and grief and exhaustion and inability to say no, something has to be rescheduled. But I don’t know what (or don’t want to know, or insist that I can do everything, or feel like I should fail…just. ugh.)

    The Good:
    – My friend’s dad’s surgery went okay. She is okay.
    – Went to a thrift store and found the. perfect. outfit. for pride week. Didn’t buy it but I know someone who can make it for me. So much excitement! So much wonderfulness! Because I’m gay and I’m happy, goddamnit! And I’m safe, and alive, and out, and it is the most wonderful feeling ever to feel safe being myself in this way. Also felt ridiculously sovereign wearing the outfit.
    – Got a cool, unexpected gift.
    – The world did not fall apart just because I couldn’t do my essay.
    – I got the job.
    – My second essay is more than half done.
    – I have been sleeping at night.
    – Though I have not kept up with most of my self-care routines, I’ve still been cooking for myself, which is significant.
    – New place in just a few weeks!

    So that was my week. Love to all Chickeners and Lurkers! <3

  12. Anne says:

    Jesse for reminding me that I have a hula hoop and they are super fun;
    Daughter for inviting me to try a backward somersault which I managed with some assistance, and then was inspired to cartwheels and handstands at which I rock
    Boyfriend for cooking me *two* ultra gourmet (like, I-felt-like-it-was-my-birthday-style) meals this week. Holy wow.

    Other good things:
    I exercised tons of days this week
    I survived my first class of the new semester after a four week break
    Little bits of sunshine
    My mom. She freakin rocks.
    Discovered a new restaurant I like a lot
    Did some laundry

    The hard stuff:
    This weird pain in my tummy today, and being nauseus when I had planned to get a lot done
    Lots of rain
    Wow, really, is that it? It sure felt harder…
    Oh yeah, just not having any energy all week, despite exercising, possibly because I have this writing job application to finish and maybe I’m trying to sabotage that.
    Missing a fun night cuz of this tummy thing and the no energy
    Having to get up early on a Saturday (eveThanks:
    Jesse for reminding me that I have a hula hoop and they are super fun;
    Daughter for inviting me to try a backward somersault which I managed with some assistance, and then was inspired to cartwheels and handstands at which I rock
    Boyfriend for cooking me *two* ultra gourmet (like, I-felt-like-it-was-my-birthday-style) meals this week. Holy wow.

    Other good things:
    I exercised tons of days this week
    I survived my first class of the new semester after a four week break
    Little bits of sunshine
    My mom. She freakin rocks.
    Discovered a new restaurant I like a lot
    Did some laundry

    The hard stuff:
    This weird pain in my tummy today, and being nauseus when I had planned to get a lot done
    Lots of rain
    Wow, really, is that it? It sure felt harder…
    Oh yeah, just not having any energy all week, despite exercising, possibly because I have this writing job application to finish and maybe I’m trying to sabotage that.
    Missing a fun night cuz of this tummy thing and the no energy
    Having to get up early on a Saturday (even though I’ve suddenly become a person who consistently wakes up at sunrise like it or not, and I really think I should be embracing and appreciating it since I’ve wanted to be that person most of my life, but I guess since I didn’t actually specifically try to do it maybe I wasn’t ready and I am missing the me who snuggled in the covers til ten any chance I could. Oh and also it is particularly perturbing because we recently started homeschooling again so the one thing I actually had to get up for ever went away.

    Leftover cheesecake from gourmet meal #1 for breakfast tomorrow. Yay! That will make my early meeting tolerable.

  13. Anne says:

    Sorry, I can see weird repeating stuff happened on my post but I don’t know how to fix it :(

  14. Jane
    Twitter: JaneOfArdis

    Yay, Havi and Rhiannon! So glad that you are both feeling better.

    The hard:

    Hormones! Rather intense this month.

    Not unrelated: the amount of time it’s taking to get my thing launched and out into the world. Way longer than anticipated. And of course, lots of internal stuff is coming up too, which I had so not factored in.

    Wow. My hairdresser is intensely passive aggressive.

    The good:

    Conversations and meditations with future me, aka Queen Brigid. So awesome and beautiful and powerful and shifting-of-stuff. And fun!

    Being able to take care of myself whilst in hormonal angst/tiredness/feeling physically rubbish without hating myself. Yay!

    Also being able to take time to investigate internal stuff. Realising that this is a learning process for next time and of course doing something huge externally is going to call into being huge internal shifts.

    Tuesday! Brilliant day shopping with my friend – much good conversation. Discovered an amazing tea shop with eight pages of different teas to choose from. And it’s painting orange inside. Found shoes I like that actually fit my teeny tiny feet and was able to purchase them both with absolutely zero guilt or angst. Huge! Also found and purchased an array of rather bargainous notebooks.

    The Floop! Amazingness.

    Cat who has taken to sleeping on a cushion on my table where I work.

    An awesome epiphany that made the link between all the work I do and the things I create super clear. Leading to an slew of inspiration for my self-portraiture and phtoography more generally. Yay!

    Also making contact with some people for some exciting photographic adventures.

    Sparkles and wishes for lovely weekends and weeks for you all.
    Jane recently posted… Why focus is my magic wand

  15. Hannah Savannah
    Twitter: Hannah_Savannah

    The Hard

    post-panic confrontation i don’t like. and this one involved fixing things i should have done but also calmly explaining there is a reason i wasn’t functioning. it involved so much incongruence- i didn’t know where to start fixing things.

    freaking out there was one day of 24 hours of hardly functioning. wanting to work or breathe. and not knowing how. monsters everywhere.

    falling ill ugh I hate it. everything hurt. i barely made it to the bus to go home.

    moralism by a teaching assistent. please don’t assume you have any clue what it’s like to be in my shoes. please don’t feel the need to act like my superior and tell me what i did wrong. but then: i can see the gratification and compensation going on there so if that’s what he needs to keep his ego going – whatever. blegh.

    The Good

    friends I haz friends ! They are amazing and friendly and supportive and open-minded. They are also boys but it doesn’t stand in they way of friendship at all and we are adding more members of all kinds to the group.

    Borgen ! highly recommended. brought to me by my mom. female role models ! intelligent political conversations ! Borgen! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borgen_(Danish_TV_series)

    parents who were helpful and nice and kind and there when i needed them and getting medicine and making tea. parents ! amazing.

    a new professor – i had barely known how to hope for this but i have a meeting with another professor. and i think it might work. my hopes are up!

  16. Kate
    Twitter: CameraKate19

    Oh, this week! You were an interesting challenge!

    The Hard

    {Silent Retreat} but it involved drama and stress in an area where there usually isn’t that. Ack!

    This also causing stress and worry in an area where there is already plenty of that!

    The Good

    Finding real and true support amidst all the drama and stress.

    Tulips and lilacs everywhere!

    *waves to all the Chickens*
    Kate recently posted… Spring Break in New Orleans!

  17. Corie Weaver
    Twitter: coriejweaver

    I can’t believe it’s chicken time again!

    The hard.
    *The day job is getting seriously crazy, and is going to get worse.

    *The crazy has been mentally exhausting, and I’m feeling like in order to keep the basics going, all extraneous things have to be cut down. So very little extra online time, and certainly I don’t have the braincells to keep puttering with revisions.

    *Allergies. Its not so bad for me, but the guy has been struggling to breath for weeks now, and is miserable. Meh.

    The good.
    *The crazy time ends in a eight days. And then I go see my mom for a week.

    *I haven’t been doing much with online things, but I’ve been thinking. A lot. And I think I have a solution to something that’s been bugging me. So that’s a start.

    *I have a start date for a new gig – later in the year than I was hoping, but it will be real, and be a thing of wonder and congruence and sovereignty! (yes, really)
    Corie Weaver recently posted… The Terror of Taking Risks

  18. Linda
    Twitter: lindiop

    A strange week.
    The hard
    Silent retreat on #1 – old hard stuff, needed lots of help from the Monster Colouring Book
    Earache – yuk. Not bad but still, ouch.
    Feeling out of sorts & a bit grumpy
    Not getting things finished, too much left up in the air
    Feeling there’s never enough of anything
    Feeling the end of the holiday coming closer & feeling old dread
    (Note to self: oh yeah, then is not now :-) )
    The Good
    Sunshine and showers. Silly April weather but I do like it :-)
    Good food & not too much
    A happy night out with friends & music
    Silent retreat :)
    Working through some stuff about money
    Linda recently posted… Please Look After This Introvert

  19. TAZ says:

    First week of “temporary” arrangement, now that two people have left my department in a month. I totally stopped, dropped and panicked about a hundred times this week.

    The hard:
    Exhaustion. Everything is just so draining.
    Frustration while I wait to get approval to hire some new people. A lot of other stuff not in my control has to happen first. No timeline for when it will be over.
    Being driven crazy by helpers who are too inexperienced.
    Stress and grief popping up in my body in new, unexpected pockets of uncomfortable.

    The good:
    Other folks stepping up to the plate and helping! So nice.
    Friendly and well meaning people who want to know how I am doing (but don’t overdo the pitying looks please. This isn’t the Titanic).
    Finding an Excel buddy.
    Practicing sovereignty in realizing my happiness should not depend on when xx makes the decision.
    Taking the few tiny steps I still have energy to take that are about building my bridge out of here, not about putting out the eternal fires.
    Chocolate eggs!

  20. Cathy
    Twitter: cathyyardley

    Late chicken. Rough week.

    The Hard:
    Money stuff. Silent retreat.
    Confusion. Stuck-ness. Overwhelm. Monsters forming a union and ganging up en masse. Grrr.

    The Good:
    Being able to say “Oh, hello, you must be pattern. I’ve heard so much about you.”
    Taking care of myself.
    Breathing deep.


  21. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat

    Quick Chicken!

    The hard stuff:
    –Seeing the effects of cancer and chemotherapy on my father.
    –Money worries, including stress about taxes.
    –Pain in my neck and shoulder that keeps recurring.

    The good stuff:
    –While my daughter and I were visiting my parents, we came across their copy of Terry Pratchett’s The Last Hero, which I’d been wanting to read aloud to my girl! We powered through it in two days. I love reading aloud!
    –My mom gave me a surprise Easter basket.
    –I have a beautiful new journal.
    –I unexpectedly got to sing at a wedding on Friday. It was very sweet.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Silk and steel.

  22. Claire P
    Twitter: making_space

    Cluck cluck

    Hard stuff
    – money woes. I get bored with scrimping and overdue/disconnection/credit default letters from utilities in my letterbox and then feeling profligate for getting a take-away we probably can’t afford but certainly makes me feel better… Even more bored with my cringing and head-firmly-in-the-sand patterns (in both of us) around getting a realistic family budget sorted out. It would be much more congruent that two intelligent adults such as we are might have a solidly grounded and realistic understanding of where we’re at so we can proceed with the confidence that we’re operating out of REALITY rather than daydreamy-keep-your-fingers-crossed-it’s-probably-reasonably-accurate-maybe-I-think….

    – loathesome bureaucracy related to the above. The hard stuff is really in feeling vulnerable about our income and the ‘roughness’ of the bureaucratic process, eg. no we cannot possibly give you a date your claims will be processed we have thousands of claims to process…. Big anxiety trigger. Anxiety and having to be patient and inert and passive is also boring.

    – offer of part time gig at old employer later this year (yay) but starting in Aug. Babe will only be barely six months old and still on the boob and I’ve never expressed successfully and even though there is a good childcare centre right next door so I suppose I could go visit her three times a day but she’d still be soooo little and aaarrggh I wish I didn’t feel compelled to work out how to make this work for the sake of getting some money. :-(

    – still tired and a bit overwhelmed with all the housework and baby-and-boy care and internalised-social-expectations that I should be doing more and better. Nuclear family set-up sucks. I say this every week.

    – processing the process without access to computer (or proper time to do it). Envy of everyone flooping it up and not finding a way to get there myself. Old stuff about feeling left out and inadequate. Hello nine-year-old-me….

    – I fear for my Little Lad, despite any progress or development. Really feeling his vulnerabilities and wishing I knew some magic spells to help him or change the world or both faster than is happening. Sitting with these vulnerabilities is the hardest.


    Good stuff
    + sovereignty around most external stimuli. Except my mum of course because, you know, tangles! But pretty much everyone/thing else most of the time I’m doing pretty well at. (The real challenge: sovereignty in the face of my internal cast of characters…. Oh the endless chattering and bickering! I feel exactly like a parent who is close to screaming that unless there is absolute silence every single other person in the car is about to be deposited on the side of the highway. Except a) that will make them feel bad (misunderstood/ frightened/ angry/ resentful/ guilty) and them is me so that’s no good and b) them is me so can’t actually even be done anyway. But silence. I would like some…. Oh whoops this is the ‘good stuff’. Okay, so outside of MYSELF (and my mum) my sovereignty muscles are feeling pretty buff and flexy most of the time. That’s good, definitely!)

    + baby. Shmoo shmoo shmooooo. Chilled out happy easy babies are really wonderful. Thank you universe and baby for being so easy. (You know, comparatively! On the scale of baby-ease!)

    + we have a house and food and utilities to be billed for. We have a bureaucracy and gvmt that, really, does good middle-class welfare. We evenhave a network of people to call on for help not to mention brains and bodies and skills to call on if the shot ever really hit the fan. (Oh dear, now I’m feeling spoiled and ungrateful for feeling like we have money-woes. Shit. Cue the cast of characters start babbling over the top of one another and now I’m confused and don’t know what I feel again. Being aware of multiple truths (we don’t have enough money AND we do have enough money) is very zen I’m sure but it’s hard to navigate when you’re tired. At least, that’s what I’m going to blame for now.)

    + on that note: everything. Everything is good in my life, really it is and I know how many people would (literally) give their right arm for the opportunity to have my problems.

    Oh damn I feel all tangled. Normally I feel better after checkining. Maybe I’ll come back later and update. Otherwise maybe I’ll just leave this here as a marker of where I was at this particular moment in the looooong journey (barf! ‘journey’… but you know what I mean!) of life.

    Disgruntled Om.

    PS: how does one get back to being gruntled after being disgruntled?

    (HA!!!! With bad jokes for a start, they really help! Always!!!!)

  23. choirqueer
    Twitter: choirqueer

    +releasing [a journaling project whose time had come to an end]
    +struggling to channel Superpower of Translating Rhythms so i can arrange a cappella music
    +struggling with Rainbow Bear project
    +also struggling with Lizard project
    +also struggling with Fishes project!
    +I keep giving my projects names and then forgetting what names go with which projects! (probably a clue of some sort)
    +alllllllllllll the body stuff
    +alllllllllllll the PTSD stuff
    +overwhelmed with energy from friend who needs a lot of emotional support right now
    +just generally really frustrated and full of emotional ick

    +lots of permission to rest
    +car passed inspection and has new tail light
    +found yarn with pink and blue for S’s birthday shawl!
    +Creative Weasel Units for Project Brain Pan
    +reading “Refuse to Choose!” by Barbara Sher
    +registered for summer Quaker gathering!!!
    +Meeting for Worship with singing and chickpea adventures with my Quakers
    +finding out that the glasses I need MIGHT, maybe, be possible for the lab to make
    +some interesting and useful writing webinars
    +listening to lots of madrigals!
    +free kale!
    +planning for Trans-Health Conference
    +getting rest days I wasn’t expecting to get

    Goodbye, week! Hello, new week! Let’s maybe have this week be easier, okay?

  24. kat
    Twitter: katarinka

    This is last week’s chicken, I know, but I *need* to chicken right now and for me it is Friday.

    The Hard:

    – So tired from cooking. I’m doing all the food for my partner’s 25th birthday tomorrow and there is *a lot*.
    – I’m losing track of time. I don’t know what was this week or last week or when I cried or when I was happy.
    – My “boss” might be getting a new job soon, which means I’ll be out of work. I have no backup plan. I’m freaking out that this isn’t bothering me.
    – There were many points where I felt very lost and unsure of what I want to do, if I’m making the right decisions and if I’m missing out on something better.

    The Good:

    – My hair is blue and I’m really liking it.
    – Right Now, I have a clear concept of what I want and all the little pieces of it and how I’m going to get there.
    – Oroxine has been a LEGEND. I’ve been feeling very happy, like my baseline is happy and content, rather than apathetic and directionless.
    – Wrote a couple of songs. Got some solid ideas down for a short film I’m doing the composition for. Feels rad.
    kat recently posted… Things I Do When I Need Some Inspiration

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