In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
We signed the lease this week. FOR THE NEW PLAYGROUND!
Which has kind of had the effect of erasing everything else from my brain.
Let’s see what else happened. In this incredibly wondrous week of lease-signing!
The hard stuff
Sometimes people say cruel, hurtful or ignorant things.
They don’t mean to be mean.
Which can sometimes make it hurt even more.
Sometimes people don’t take responsibility for their stuff.
And then they try to hand it over to you.
This is not fun.
Sometimes it’s also really awful.
Two different people felt the need to dump their pain on me this week in two very different situations.
And then they each wanted me to agree to take responsibility for their pain.
That part actually bothered me more than the pain-dumping. Own your stuff, people.
In one of these situations, someone else’s hurt was a good match for my hurt, and so our hurts interacted. His pain reminded me of my pain.
The result of this experience was that I got really disconnected from myself and from the thing that needed my attention.
In the second situation, the other person’s pain did not at all trigger my pain, and I was able to respond compassionately to her.
But that still took the better part of a work day, and I have pain about that.
And I’m also experiencing pain related to how deeply I want to see people putting the skills that I teach into practice. Because when people can take loving ownership for the fact that their stuff is their stuff, which is the essence of sovereignty and lives at the heart of so much of my work, they don’t need to blame or lash out. But when they can’t get there, I perceive that my teaching hasn’t landed yet.
My stuff. Working on it.
Getting myself into a situation I couldn’t get out of.
Like the fox in the video game, I needed an exit, but I didn’t like any of the available ones.
Not going to do that again.
There should really be a name for this phenomenon.
Someone I dearly love had a bit of a meltdown and let it leak into my space.
Or really: I was the one who let it leak into my space. But only after it was intentionally brought to me in a form that I didn’t need to receive it in.
Meeting someone in their pain and setting loving boundaries at the same time is really hard.
Things that worked really well then are not what is needed now.
That was a big theme this week.
Someone said something to me that they did not need to say to me.
And then I cried for three hours.
Because my biggest stuck-fear-core-issue-thing is the fear of being misunderstood (and that tragic things that my monsters are sure will happen as a result).
This was a giant case of someone misunderstanding my business, and that was painful.
The good stuff
Things got done this week.
With magic and ease, just like the Director said they would.
I removed all the obstacles, and made it happen.
Three days and three nights of communing with the Director.
This was the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.
She said that we would be connected when it was over, and she was right.
Steady internal guidance.
The Director was with me all week, telling me what needed to happen.
She was right every single time.
It makes decision making way easier when you already know which way you’re internally pointing, you know?
All the right people.
An entire crew came together.
Four nights. Of uninterrupted sleep. In a row. YES!
Knock on wood.
May this beautiful thing that is sleeping again just continue to be present and make my life easier.
Giant shivanautical epiphanies.
Lots of Shiva Nata this week.
And lots of brilliant sparkly ideas, followed by deep realizations about why.
SIGNING THE LEASE!
The new Playground space is ours!
It is stunningly beautiful. It is exactly what I dreamed and more.
It is massive. It is magic. It is the culmination of the last several years of internal work and practice. It shines and hums and glows. It breathes love.
And, just like in those dreams where your house has extra hidden rooms, it has an extra hidden room that I had thought was just a tiny storage closet. Yes.
The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
So the guy who vacated the new Playground really did a number on the place.
Breaking a bunch of windows taking out air conditioning units, ripping out light fixtures, stuff like that.
But I invoked the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong, and stayed calm.
And then nothing was wrong! The owner of the building is putting in new and nicer windows, and also letting us come up with the new lighting concept.
I remembered that things can work out well. I didn’t go into my default “oh crap oh crap why does this always happen to me” stuff. I made safe rooms for me-from-then, back when things really were wrong.
And throughout the week I kept noticing dozens of things that seemed like bad news whooshing themselves into good news. Still shaking my head over this. It was awesome.
Everything from The Crossing is coming true.
In October I ran a program at the Playground called Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage. Password: haulaway
It was the most incredible thing I have ever taught, and some seriously indescribably miraculous experiences happened there.
But there were two big wishes that I planted there and played with: one was getting this space, and the other was the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong. Really and truly knowing that everything is going to be fine, even the things that don’t seem fine.
So this week both of those things came into full effect.
I planted. They showed up.
And now I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next.
Tu B’shvat and the secret Day of Play.
Wednesday was the birthday of the trees!
We had nine wonderful Rally (Rally!) graduates playing at the Playground Caboose (which is what we’re now calling the original Playground).
We ate dates and figs and almonds and hazelnuts. We played with our projects. We napped little naps.
It was beautiful.
And THEN something completely unexpected happened.
I took everyone from the play day on a tour of the new Playground space.
Because these were exactly the people I would want to get to see it first.
We each took a stick of incense and wandered through the space, writing qualities and drawing symbols on the walls and in the air. Whispering secret words of love.
Then we stood in a circle and sang to the Playground.
We sang a song from Rally, and our voices reverberated through the giant empty space, filling it with love until our adoration touched every corner.
If there were words to describe how intense of an experience this was, I would use them now. But I can’t.
I’ll just say that this was one of those transformative Moments.
We sounded like a choir of angels. It felt like the whole building was singing back to us. I will remember this moment forever.
And more Shiva Nata.
Because why not.
I taught a crazy fun-hard-fun workshop for the Guns N Rollers last night, and they were awesome.
Epiphanies to follow!
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is for my new favorite bartender.
They have sort of a rockabilly sound, and they’re super fun.
Though, of course, as you might have already guessed, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- The February Rally (Rally!) is sold out. There are a couple of spots in March. The new Playground won’t be officially open yet, but I’ll give you a tour and we’ll play there too!
- We have a Facebook page for The Fluent Self — it’s a pretty fun place, full of lovely people. I would love it if you would hang out with us there too: Facebook.com/TheFluentSelf.
- The whisper-brunch is happening for the second-ever Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). We’ve already had quite a lot of applicants. Also: I highly recommend signing up before I have a chance to put up the Over The Moonials from last year.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.