My VPA

What I Want:
To feel happy and connected. Connection to myself and my peeps. This has been difficult for me the past couple of years and I want to turn it around. I’m trying. I relate to the stuckification.

How This Could Work:
—Staying mindful and noticing when I default to frustration, aggravation, lonely, sad; and trying on the opposite instead – happy, relaxed, loving and lovable.
—Acting on my impulse to connect rather than talking myself out of it.
—Knowing that I am enough – as I am – right now.

My commitment:
— To give this emotional mindfulness a solid effort for at least the next three days (I know that sounds small but it feels like a good first bite).
—To relish in being me and my life. To do things that make me happy which likely will help make those around me happy too.

My general VPA is for things to just be smooth this week.
I’ve a LOT of things going on – starting another volunteering role, applying for paying jobs, writing a novel, starting a business, feeding the cats, cooking and cleaning and not leaving the hosue in over a week.

So my VPA is for all those things to fall into place [though I’m happy to do work; i’d like it to say “hi, work time sweetie” and not yell at me to say it’s arrived.

How this could work:
- I can keep checking my emails – staying on top of the “has to be done by five” things- thus keeping the flow going.
- Take time out to breathe and sing and dance; to get in that ShivaNata-style of flow.

My commitment
To check those emails and for letters often
To sing as soon as I’ve left this comment. Or even better – put on Enya now (i’m now singing)
To keep an eye out for those patterns and to be kind

Good luck with everyones VPAs and Yay for a Rally!!
.-= Rose´s last post … Monsters at the Launch Party =-.

What I want: renovations to my self-image

I’ve been thinking recently about people who make really clean, clear choices about their lives that reflect their values, and I finally realized that I don’t think I can be one of those people. There are plenty of monsters to go around, but I think the sticking point is actually just that I can’t envision being that clear and still being myself. So I would like to be ready to let go of whatever I believe about myself that’s making that true right now.

Ways this could work: I could call Metaphor Mouse. I could write about this. I could use my personal destuckification practices to try to let go of what isn’t helping me here. I could remember that I can let go of things, even if I don’t necessarily know what they are. I could find my Shiva Nata DVD!

My commitment: to be curious and willing to be surprised. To be gentle with myself and stay true to my commitment to practice from a place of safety. To talk about this or work on it without talking as seems right.

Also, may I say that I had an amazingly lovely weekend traveling the Skyline Drive and the Blue Ridge Parkway? I did. :)

Love and good fortune to all!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … The trouble with “middle vision” =-.

For this week, I want: to somehow figure out a better way to manage with my four-year-old, who has decided to test everything, indulge in all manner of bad behavior… and I’m reacting, not responding.

Ways this could work: I could develop a well of patience and a Zen like calm; I could become a better listener and somehow more focused on him, and maybe my changes will spark some of his changes; I could get more alone time and be better equipped, mentally, to roll with his punches.

My commitment: I’m going to go to bed by eleven nightly, eat healthy, and bargain with husband for a block of time daily that I can be by myself. Also email parenting coach used to use for some advice.

Thanks, and good luck, guys!

Ways this could work: I could just be rescued. Some outside force or event could just change the stuff I can’t seem to change on my own.
I could have a shivanautical epiphany that would answer the problem instead making it clearer.
I could…. do something I haven’t thought of yet.

My commitment: to follow through with agreements I already made. To stay honest with key players. to accept myself when i’m tired and overwhelmed and don’t know what I need, much less how to get it.

good luck to all with this weeks VPA’s!

This year, especially, I’ve been in fixer mode. It is exhausting. I feel like that little Dutch boy trying to hold back the break in the dike with his finger (http://www.pantheon.org/articles/l/little_dutch_boy.html). Things basically imploded early this year with the abrupt departure of my boss and since that time I’ve been trying to keep my academic program together. Feel that I’m doing a good job, but I can’t sustain this amount of effort much longer. Much frustration is boiling up: 1) Interim boss shows little interest in getting involved in the day-to-day matters, 2) Feeling very unappreciated for the number of hours I’m putting in, 3) Feeling like I can’t keep up with my work and that I’m letting down the students, and 4) Feeling like no matter what I do or don’t do in regards to the legal aspects related to this mess, I’m screwed.

My ask: Acceptance

Ways this could work:
- I can accept that I am human and that I need down time no matter how long the to do list is.
- I can accept that the Interim boss has a ton of other things on her plate and the foisting of this responsibility has pushed her beyond her capacity as well.
- I can accept that the reluctance of my boss to get involved in the day to day matters means that she trusts me enough to make the right decisions more times than not.
- I can accept that some of the odd statements that she has made to me lately come from a place of her own personal stress and are not a reflection on my work. I can’t fix her home life, nor can I make things right with her boss. That is hers to deal with, not mine.
- I can accept that I am in a demanding doctoral program that I started without having any inkling that my boss would abruptly depart 6 months later. I really thought I would be the one who would pack up her marbles and go play somewhere else once I got my degree. I can hear the universe laughing really loud on this one.
- I can accept that I don’t have to like the overtime situation that I have found myself in, but that it does present many opportunities for personal and professional growth.
- I can accept that I have to let some things slide. For example, it really isn’t the end of the world that the weeds have taken over the back yard. And it isn’t the end of the world if I get a “B” in one of my doctoral classes. I get the same 3 initials at the end whether I have a 4.0 or a 3.0 GPA. And I’m the same person either way as well.

My commitment:
- To make space in each day to spend some time with my kitties
- To take a few minutes to check in with the spouse each evening. He has his own crap he is currently dealing with.
- To keep reaching out to trusted friends who know enough about the situation to give meaningful support without being part of the work place so that I don’t say anything to compromise the legal maneuverings.

*Here’s the deal:* One of my favorite mentors is flying in tomorrow for this workshop thing we are doing next weekend. He’s staying with me for the entire week. I live in a one bedroom apartment that is _perfect_ for my bf and I. Add another person for more than a day or two and, well, last time it ended with me completely overwhelmed and having a mini-breakdown.

*Ways this disappear thing could work*
-I can remember that he’s an adult and doesn’t need my constant attention.
-I can go to the bedroom, close the door and be anti-social for as long as I need.
-I can send him out on explorations on his own.
-We can go camping! (and, I can spend time sitting under a tree by myself whenever I need).
-I can somehow, magically, feel ok about doing what I need to take care of myself.

*My commitments:*
-to check in with myself throughout the day.
-to respect my capacity and back out on things if necessary.
-to start each morning with a minimum of 15 minutes of alone time – before even leaving the bedroom.
-to practice the techniques we are going to be teaching over the weekend.

Thanks Havi! Totally envious of your time in New Mexico. One of my favorite places in the world. If I ever leave Portland, that’s where I’ll be. :)
.-= Larisa´s last post … Revealing More- Concealing Less =-.

This is a fairly big one, but a fairly important one in my life. I’ve spent lots of this year in particular being stressed out and feeling like the adult fixer person that I never wanted to be. I want a way to find flow in my own life and not have it stopped up with lots of other people’s stuff that is in no way my responsibility.

Ways This Could Work:
-I could draw out boundaries in my life regarding responsibility, etc.
-I could verbalize the things that are making me feel stressed out to people so they could try and fix them too.
-I could try and accept that not everything in life is my fault, and that other people are allowed to make mistakes and then live with the consequences.

My Commitment:
-To take on new projects in a mindful way.
-To make a list of the things in my life that I want to be doing, and try to weed out the things that I don’t want.
-To be more assertive about my individual needs and wants rather than repress them so I won’t upset others.
.-= Holly´s last post … A Pet Project Literally! =-.