Stuff we talk about around here:I am a professional hider.
Oh, the art of avoiding answering direct questions. I find it thrilling, fascinating and exceedingly difficult.
Aside from answering a question with another question, and mastering the art of quick subject changes, it’s hard to know what say, other than Awkward Stuttering.
My goal is to eventually be able to pick and choose from a selection of responses that:
- are not rude and not boring
- do not actually share personal information
- allow me to change the subject quickly and easily.
Not there yet. But I’m playing.
And I’m playing by messing around and inventing ridiculous answers — that I don’t actually currently have the balls to give — to my five least favorite questions.
Well, the five that don’t have to do with how come I’m not moving to Bolivia.
My five current Least Favorite Questions.
#5. What are you doing for [insert holiday]?
Of course people are just being polite and making conversation. It’s sweet.
The thing is, I don’t actually like most holidays. And I don’t want to talk about why. Or about my plans or lack thereof. So I get flustered.
#4. Where are you from?
Amna has already summed up why this is such a distressing question.
And a complicated one for me personally to answer, even without the leftover outsider complex from having had a foreign accent in every language that I speak.
#3. What’s your name?
Okay. I realize this one is a completely innocuous question.
But. I have a really unusual name. And at cafes — or wherever people ask for your name so they can yell it out to get your attention, I feel uncomfortable.
Especially with the “internet famous” thing. If 30,000 people are reading this, at least some of them are in Portland. Maintaining anonymity is a big deal for me.
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Why should I have to know that? I’m doing it right now. It pays the bills, I have fun, why do I have to define it?
#1. People pay for that?
This question is more funny than annoying, since this blog supports our entire household.
But I hate the idea of my people being asked this when they’re still experimenting with figuring out their thing, before they’re in the position to find hostile questions laughable.
Anyway.
My goal is to be able to smile, take a breath, say something, and then ask a curious, interested question that allows for a change in subject. It’s my practice. But right now I’m just being silly.
Here we go.
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving (or holiday of choice)?”
Giving thanks.
Jam.
Being exceptional.
Playing Twister.
Watching people eat pie.
Have you ever ridden in a hot air balloon?
“Where are you from?”
Here.
A pirate ship.
I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say.
“What’s your name?”
Singapore.
Valentine’s Day.
Harmonica.
Subliminal.
The Captain.
Surprise!
Blueberry.
Smurf.
Swoosh.
Twiglet.
“What do you do for a living?”
I play with dolls.
I wear costumes.
I talk to monsters. I collect monsters. I design monster choreographies.
I run a preschool. No, a secret preschool. No, a secret preschool for grownups.
I think about muffins. I’m a spy. I do things by proxy.
I have a secret benefactor. I am a secret benefactor. I like the word benefactor.
I whisper to plants. I am a product placement. I swim through air.
Do? I try not to do things.
I hide. I’m a professional hider. Yes, from things. But also hiding things from others.
I’m so sorry. I never tell anyone what I do.
I tell people about my dreams. Yes, they are very interesting dreams. No, I won’t tell you. That service is only available for paying customers.
I build castles. In the air.
I run away.
Oh, this and that.
“Do people pay you for that?”
There is only one answer to this that I know of, aside from laughing so hard you cry:
You’d be surprised.
And then you ask them what they’re doing for Thanksgiving. Kidding. But change the subject. Quickly.
And the not very zen comment zen for today.
We’re having fun today.
Anyone who is not capable of playing, or recommends resources for learning how to craft an elevator pitch, or variations on the tired “I help [target market X] [solve problem Y]” does not get to play.
I’m serious. Solving the problem is not the point. The point is play.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. That’s what allows us to play.
Twitter: pearlmattenson
least favorite question:
Some variation of: What’s new? What’s up? What’s shaking? …
This DRIVES ME MAD!!!
really you want an answer? On one foot? I could write a dissertation on this. It is deep. It is existential. I get tongue tied and twisted up with this question.
I usually have something intelligent to say, like, “huh?”
So alternatives—mmm.
*The stars are aligned to shine down on us today
*Where is love (sung to the tune from Oliver)
*Whip out my secret puppet and ask her, What’s new sweety?”
this will take more effort.
Twitter: SneakyEli
Aaa, as a last resort I’ve settled for being rude.
Otherwise, from experience I’ve learnt that questions like: “What are you doing for [insert holiday]?” is actually the other person trying to be polite by asking me first for my plans so that then they could talk up a storm about their plans. So I try to switch directly and ask them about their plans.
So what do I do for a living? I listen. I am a good listener.
Twitter: fatnutritionist
For some reason, I dislike it when people ask what I’m reading. I’m very private about what I’m reading, whether it’s online or in a book. I also dislike being asked what I’m WATCHING, if I’m watching a movie.
Why? I don’t really know why. I guess because I’m afraid people will mock me for my taste?
I also have trouble with the what-do-you-do thing. Because I try to say that I teach people to eat normally, but I’m fat, so people tend to give me a very surprised look (even though I am a pretty normal eater and the being-fat thing is just a sideline hobby.)
Anyway. With the reading, I could say, “I’ll tell you when I’m done. Then I’ll know if it’s any good.” Depending on tone, it could sound like a joke, but it also sounds plausible and might get people to stop pushing the issue.
With movies: I think it would be funny to answer with The Most Boring Title Ever. Like, “Goat-herding: The Movie.”
What do you do for a living? This is hard, because anything nutrition-related will get me the hairy eyeball. I could just say, “I’m a counselor,” which is very boring, but will likely invite follow-up questions. I could also say, “I just hang around the house and play on the computer.”
“People pay you for that?”
“No. That’s why I got married.”
Twitter: lucyviret
I kind of love this.
And I need more of it in my life. Cool responses to questions that make me uncomfortable or I don’t know how to answer them.
What do you do? is my personal unfavourite.
Some day, I’ll figure out how to answer that question without telling my life story. Maybe.
I’m a student…close to college graduation. I HATE when people ask me what my plans are after graduation. I’ve resorted to telling people I plan to be a bum and do nothing. I feel like an idiot when I say “I don’t know.” The best is when I say “I don’t know” and they follow up with “Well what line of work are you looking to get into?” Ugh. It needs work…but I better work fast because graduation is right around the corner!
Suggestion for What’s your name? Answer with a Disney character. Or a character’s name from a movie you like or something like that. That could get REALLY entertaining.
@Michelle – I like your “I’ll tell you when I’m done” response to your reading question, haha.
Twitter: madebymalwina
“How’s business going?”
This is what happens in my mind: OMG I have to justify myself. I have to justify why I’m putting so much energy and time and money into something that isn’t paying off yet. I have to find a nice, positive way to put it because they only mean well. I have to answer something.”
What I usually answer: “Oh, it’s going well, I’m doing x and y right now; I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m getting there!” And then try a smile and hope they’ll change the subject.
What a relief to be reminded that I don’t need to respond.
What a relief to remember, hey, it’s perfectly fine to avoid certain questions, just because I haven’t come to terms with them yet.
So, let’s play a bit:
“How’s business going?”
- {Silence}
- “Well, how’s your sex life going?”
- “What exactly do you mean by that?”
- “I don’t know.”
- “Can we change the subject?”
- “Sometimes it’s going, sometimes it’s dancing, sometimes it’s stumbling, it changes, you know.”
- “Can we just hug and not talk?” (This applies to a number of other questions, as well)
Twitter: ABCcreativity
“so what do you do?” is my personal unfavourite too.
i just quit my day job and was at my last office christmas party this weekend. someone asked me what i am doing now and when i told her, she said “oh how quaint!” omg. so happy the office party days are behind me.
i was with my mom and someone asked us “so what do you do for a living?” and i got all icky uncomfortable and my mom just said “as little as possible” and changed the subject. it was brilliant.
Twitter: LissaPhotos
Yay a society of professional hiders! It doesn’t even need a name because we’ll never tell anyone about it – like professional ninjas (wah!)
I hate “Where are you from?” I’ve always lived in the US but in several different places. If I say that, then people say “Were you a military brat?”. I wasn’t. So I say I’m a gypsy. Or I say where I currently live. Maybe I should say I’m in the Witness Protection program & I can’t tell them.
I also hate the holiday question. My lack of plans (intentional) makes other people want to invite me to their house (very kind but NO!). When I say I want to be alone, they look at me like I need a strait jacket. Maybe I need fake plans.
I have discovered that – for me – if there’s no element of play in solving a problem, then I’m solving the wrong problem.
Another idea that’s helpful to me is that not everything requires a response _on_the_same_level_. That thought somehow usually frees me up to say something authentic and simultaneously protects me from letting the other’s words stir up my Stuff.
Twitter: LizardMixture
How timely for me. For about a year I’ve done nothing. Well I’ve done a million things but not easy ones to categorize. I have sometimes lied, pretending that I have freelance work or that my volunteering is a job. But that makes me uncomfortable and could lead to complications. My lovely BF, who keeps a roof over my head and that of my rotten cat, doesn’t think that is a bad thing, but I still feel the stigma. This will be my first Christmas with the in-laws and I am sure there will be questions. I was in favor of lying but he doesn’t want to. I think that will make a touchy situation even worse (they still love his high-earning ex-wife). So I get holiday aversion and “what do you do” aversion all in one happy bundle.
Twitter: judespacks
Loving everyone’s stories. Fun helps.
What do you do?
-Good question…I often wonder that myself
-I worry quite a bit…
-I stick my head into the computer and then try to pull it out…
-I follow my cat around.
——-
In Maine you’re considered ‘from away’ unless you’ve been here for 3 generations, and that would have taken more advanced planning than I’m capable of.
At a church supper a lady asked where I was from and I said, “Here–been here 20 years.” She said, “You aren’t as from here as I am” (she grew up nearby). Turned out she’d spend most of her adult life in another state, but still felt more ‘from here’ than me. Well, fine.
It’s simpler just to answer, “From away. Far, faaaaar away.” and make googley eyes.
Twitter: ShinyDesigns
My first comment here!
This post was so resonant for me – I really dislike being asked – all – the – questions. Makes my head spin and feels like the worst sort of privacy overrun even though most of them are perfectly innocent.
At Starbucks I give the name Sue so I don’t have to give a pronunciation and spelling lesson! So, I’m Starbucks Sue :) That makes me laugh every time!
Twitter: spiralsongkat
Ohhh, so many questions that I’d rather not hear:
“So, what do you do?”
“Music therapy? Huh! So, what is that, exactly?”
“How’s the dissertation going?”
“What’s your dissertation about?”
“When do you graduate?”
“So, when do we get to call you Doctor?”
@Michelle — I also dislike the “what are you reading/watching” questions; they always make me tongue-tied, because I take in so many things, it feels a bit like being asked, “So, what’s in the air you’ve been breathing lately?”
I’m not sure what the solution is, really, except to give myself permission to get tangled up in my own thoughts and words, to be silent for as long as necessary to gather my thoughts, to answer questions in different ways every time, or in the exact same ways every time, whichever is more comfortable.
Oh, hey, but I’ve just remembered that I do have an answer that has worked for me on occasion: sometimes, when I get asked something uncomfortable, I just smile sweetly, roll my eyes, say, “Oh, that’s an essay question,” and change the subject. Sometimes it works.
I once heard of a woman who, when asked, “What do you do?” would always respond, “About what?”
Sometimes I have this problem where I want to talk about something I’ve read here, and I end up being like “so, there’s this… okay there’s this blog I read… I mean it’s not… not a blog like… okay there’s this person, and she… no… you know what, nevermind”. So then I can’t because I don’t know how to explain that there is this place on the Internet that does not even operate in the same dimension as other Internet places. Whew. So, game #1: How to lead into talking about a fluent self post:
- I found a message in a bottle the other day, and it talked about…
- I intercepted a note being delivered by courier hamster today, and it said…
- I was interrupted in my travels this morning by an invisible but talkative butterfly who told me that…
I think that’s all I’ve got for the moment. It’s a start!
Twitter: pearlmattenson
@kathleen-
“Oh that’s an essay question”
BRILLIANT…I am adopting it.
thx…
I wonder if anyone else is noticing the pattern I am, here. Are we allowed to talk here about patterns noticed here?
Twitter: AmnaAhmad
Oh, HA HA HA HA HA. Ha.
The name-at-the-coffee-shop thing kills me. First they ask, complete with spelling details, and then they mangle anyway.
My baby sister, whose name is even weirder than mine, gives a false coffee name. Last time we were together it was Tiffany. She was completely matter-of-fact about it when I looked at her and gaped, like “what are you going to do?”
Twitter: creatievoyage
the where are you from thing drove me NUTs for years. Its code for ‘You’re English what are you doing here bog off’ I happen to be a scottish/southafrican/latvian/hugenot with a great aunt who was a founding member of the scottish nationalist party. So I made a film about her and weirdly enough afterwards the questions about where I came from dropped dramatically. I think I’d just unconsciously decieded to not make it an issue and they just stopped …
And the what do you do for a living … euch… I organise my courses in a way that people are NOT allowed to ask that about each other – instead I want to know interesting things about them – their favourite childhood game, smell, meal – I don’t give a TOSS about how you make your living. Its the least interesting thing about someone – unless they work for M15
Peals of laughter.
“What do you do?” ….”Play. As much as I can.” Or…”I’m an internet maven (or goddess).”
“People pay for that?”…..They do!!! With a big smile while not volunteering any additional information. If follow up questions ensue, just say, “It’s fun and I make a good living….What’s fun about your job?”
“What are you doing for the holidays?”….My answer this year was “Trying to avoid getting into fights with anyone’s family. And probably drinking.” Once again, the big smile and no additional information volunteered.
I’ve always wondered what lawyering was good for, now I know! It’s wonderful training for giving straight faced completely uninformative answers to all kinds of questions.
You know, you don’t even have to say “I make a good living.” Just, “they do!!” and “It’s fun!!”
Now, where is my tea!!!! MUAH!!
Twitter: LizardMixture
Great answers. I love the flippant ones- but serious question: what do you say when it’s a judgemental, throwing shoes family member, and it’s important to boyfriend that I not say something silly? Gah. I am stressing already. Mybe it’s my own stuff/ patterns like someone said above. Am I ashamed that I don’t have a job and don’t live in Bolivia? I am working on things that will lead to a career (hopefully) and on things that will save more money that I could make in a j.o.b. plus BF says his quality of life is improved dramatically by my taking care of our lives and home. So it’s just me I guess. I’m so glad I can talk about this here.
hahahaha – my least favorites are:
what are you doing for thanksgiving? – (i stay home and make nachos) I reply “i’ll be relaxing” – because i know it’s a) the truth and b) going to make them jealous. :)
how is the photography business going? – ummm….slow. i know they are just happy for me and my talent. but i’ve had to slow it to a trickle to have a personal life. still haven’t found a good answer.
when are you going full time? – this one is awkward, because it is usually asked either by my coworkers, who I’m sure don’t *mean* to sound like they want to get rid of me, or by my clients, who I hate to disappoint by telling them that they don’t pay me enough for that. no good answer yet.
what are you working on? – bleh. what i work on as a software engineer is really really boring. but due to the nature of my work, i’m not allowed to disclose what it is. but if i say that, people get even more curious.
and there’s the ever present: how is your love life going? anyone special? no. not for years, thanks. ouch. maybe if you didn’t ask questions i’d have more time for man-hunting. :-/
this was a good exercise in identifying some of my sore spots, funny but true.
Twitter: emilyroots
Q: What are you doing for (insert holiday here)?
A: If I told you, I’d have to kill you too.
Q: Where are you from?
A: Planet X
Q: What’s your name?
A: You mean in this lifetime?
Q: What do you do for a living?
A: I go to trendy nightclubs and pick pockets.
Oh! and a more recent one would be: what are you doing on December 3rd in Sacramento?
I have decided on the answer: it’s small business mentoring meets therapy meets tony robins meets yoga.
…this confuses them enough that they don’t ask anymore questions.
Twitter: jenialaszlo
I. Love. This. Love! Especially everyone’s brilliant ideas.
*Where Are You From?*
I was abducted by aliens so I do not remember.
Actually, I am a gypsy from Albania. That’s why I’ve lived in so many places. Yes, I am an albino gypsy.
From the USSR.
New Jersey.
Europe.
I am in a witness protection program, so I am not at liberty to say. (@Lissa: can I just steal it from you?)
From away. Far, faaaaar away *googley eyes* (@Jude: I am going to try this idea of yours immediately. You need to tell me what your experiences with this answer have been!)
*What’s your name?*
Ginnie.
Virginia.
Lolita.
Camomile (or pick your flower of the day).
Attention.
Rainbow.
Don Carlos.
*What do you do for a living?*
I type. (I read it on Chris Brogan’s blog, I think. I actually use this answer – it’s a fun way to change the subject.)
I am a writer. I write emails.
I am a dominatrix.
I am a kindergarten teacher.
I am half dominatrix, half kindergarten teacher.
As little as possible. (@andrea: love this one, will give it a whirl.)
I keep the economy warm.
I answer silly questions. What do you do?
@Sarah: yes! I have the same problem talking about the Fluent Self blog with anyone. So, I resolved not to have to explain it, because it’s something that people need to read for themselves to understand. So if I want to “give an attribution”, I say, I read it on the Fluent Self… oh, it’s an online philosophy resource… and then no further explanation, just talking about the topic that I wanted to reference.
Twitter: eileen_mckenzie
Answer to all of the above:
“Ahhh, its a long story!”
All bets on people hating long stories and will change the subject themselves. or take 2 steps back hoping that “I” wont actually launch into the long story, or check their watch and run away for their next appointment.
hahaha – works every time.!
Twitter: persnicket
@michelle – Goat Herding: The Movie! Love it. And there has to be a little sound effect of a goat going Meeeeeeh (or however you are supposed to spell goat noises) right after you say the title, I think. Goat Noises is totally my new fake band.
This morning I totally lied to a bunch of people at work who tossed out the seemingly-innocuous “How was your Thanksgiving”…for some reason I couldn’t say AMAZING (which is exactly what the Great Ducking Out was) but I did say that we had my brother and his girlfriend over. This actually happened on Friday, but they don’t know — I feel secret glee about that, for some reason. It feels good to maintain that little layer of privacy.
Twitter: tarynblake71
Ooooo fun answers everybody!
Serena, could you say that you spoil your BF rotten? would he jump in with a list of ways his life is better with you taking such amazing care of him?
Sarah, I know the problem! Plus, I have the issue of wanting to mention something brilliant from here, but not wanting the IRL person to come here and find my safe room. So if I go ahead with the mention at all, it tends to become, “I was wandering around the internet the other day, and….”
If anyone still needs a great sarcastic answer for the Bolivia thing, tweet me.
Happy Monday!
Twitter: LeilaLEvelyn
Oh God I love this too – super useful!
Twitter: ToriDeaux
It totally shouldn’t surprise me anymore that my wacky mental minefields are shared by Havi and the chickeneers, but… it does! And this sharing, it makes me so, so very happy!
Being unconventional means that those darn conventional direct questions just don’t fit well. And then I get all “Don’t pin me down! Don’t judge me by a label!” and I freak out and feel dishonest and evasive, and people wind up staring at me because I’ve had nuclear melt downs trying to answer “How’s your work going?” or “What’s your favorite color?” or “What’s your name?”
My fav. reply so far: Kathleen’s “That’s an essay question.” <3<3<3
Twitter: tybarbary
Ohh, I feel you here. I’ve gotten so tired of spouting a paragraph of description when folks ask me what I do that I just respond, “I’m a paid geek.” It seems to work. If it’s a more formal situation, I pull out the totally vague phrase web professional. Yes, I am a pro on the internet, how about that. I can surf with the masters, I tell you what.
@Jenia: “I answer silly questions. What do you do?” I may need to steal this for the future. :D
I think the question that bugs me most is actually coupled with an action: the salutatory “what’s up?” or “how are you?” as people keep walking past. They clearly don’t care about the answer, since they don’t even pause as they pass, so why not say a simple “hi!” or “beautiful day!” or “good evening!” or something? Something that doesn’t open the door for real conversation, however brief, that might require one to stop walking for a moment? It makes me flail. Internally.
Also, I love everyone’s answers. You guys rock.
Twitter: lizemmettmattox
As one with a (voluntarily) complicated last name, I totally feel the pain on this one. But there’s a family tradition of giving fake names in restaurants etc. When my dad was in college, he and his roommates would play a little game when they ordered take-out. One person would leave for the burger joint and the other would call in the order. The pick up person would then have to figure out which of the names being called was his- and then walk up to the counter and collect the order for “Harry Chest.”
To my knowledge, my dad has never given his real name to a hostess.
To some of these ‘essay questions’, I’ll often ask, “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Their response lets me know if a real conversation is possible/desirable or if this is just a polite question and a non-answer answer is appropriate.
Loving that I’m not the only one who hates these kind of questions!
oh, way back when I was living in Chicago, one of my friends told someone that she was a cliff diver. She spun out this whole long story and actually snowed the guy. (“Yes, most of the time I work in Acapulco; I’m sure you’ve seen the photographs.”)
What can I say, other than it was a long time ago…and it was in a bar. (no surprise)
I think the thing is to do what you’ve done today–do a little pre-planning. Then you’re ready for the ambush, when it comes.
I am bowled-over-excited that other people have trouble with the “where are you from?” question too. I always feel like I’m either lying or, in an effort to be honest, completely boring the asker with a seemingly endless list. And what’s worse is the follow up–”Oh, were you a military brat?” as Lissa mentioned because the reason we moved so much… well, it’s not one you give someone you’ve just met. (Like Jenia, I’m seriously tempted to steal Lissa’s witness protection answer!)
Twitter: virtuallori
Ugh. “What do you do?” is so complicated when you don’t fit neatly into a box, when you do two different things that don’t normally go together and you live in a world where you’re only “supposed” to do one thing. I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this. Count me in with the fans of Kathleen’s “That’s an essay question.”
When I had a customer service job, I had a fake name I would give to difficult or creepy customers who insisted on knowing my name. Most of us did. “Gina” still pops up once in a while when circumstances warrant.
just went back and read some of the other comments…
Am I the oldest one here? probably. So from my vantage point as the village elder, can I just say: There’s no need to apologize for how we choose to spend our time.
The hub and I just turned down a Christmas Eve invite. We like to be at home on Christmas Eve. We like our own traditions. We don’t need to be jollied by someone who feels sorry for us because our families are far away. All I said was, “Thank you, but we already have plans.”
See under: Sovereignity.
Twitter: chrisdivalish
Oh yes, this is huge!!!
I don’t want to be too rude and I usually want the asker to mind their own business. Also, I’ve realized that people often don’t really want an answer; it’s simply something to say and they say it because they think it’s expected of them.
Here’s what I do (playing absolutely required!):
What are your doing for [holiday]?
- whatever I want
- oh, I never plan those things. You?
What’s your name?
I play a wonderful game that I call Incognito. To play you simply be someone else entirely for a period of time – an entire day of errand running, while you’re on the bus or waiting in line at the DMV, whatever. During the game, you ARE someone else. You pick a different name, different story about yourself and your life, etc. and you get to make it up as you go along. Sometimes I’m intentionally shocking, other times I simply try on being different people. How would people relate to me if I was a stripper or an astro-physicist, for example?
Also I’ve always liked the answer Julia Roberts’ character gives in Pretty Woman: “What do you want it to be?” Never tried that one though…
What do you do?
Usually I bat my eyes innocently and say, “For money?” Works every time. No one knows what to do with this so they immediately change the subject.
If I need a serious answer, I ignore the “for a living” part and say, “I do yoga, take walks, hang out with my cat, work if work shows up.”
My least favorite questions are of the “What time can I expect you to X”? variety, as in, “What time will you be home? When are you going to go to bed? I’m sure these are innocent questions, but they feel parental and controlling to me. And how am I supposed to know ahead of time anyway? I’ll be home when I get home and go to bed when I feel like doing that…..
Twitter: judespacks
There’s always: “I don’t know”
Spoken honestly, wonderingly, with friendly eye contact….
Twitter: JackOutLoud
You know, there really should be a class on how to pitch people out of elevators when they ask you annoying questions… *ponders this*
I hate the holiday questions. I don’t mind people assuming I have holiday plans – it’s statistically likely – but I hate being asked why I don’t, and expressing sympathy. Just because my plans don’t involve blood family and wrapped presents and a tree doesn’t mean they’re not cool. (I swear, next time I’m telling them the truth: Christmas day I might well be eating mince pies, knitting, and writing kinky gay smut. Because that’s how I rock.)
Twitter: verdissage
Our restaurant name is “Fritz.” Sometimes it gets a curious look, but no one ever asks for an explanation, and apparently it isn’t difficult to hear or spell (unlike our actual names).
Twitter: taraswiger
My favorite answer is “Oh, the usual” or “Oh, you WOULD ask that” (with a roll of the eyes).
And yes, Malwina, I got asked, “So, how’s that business going?” about a gillion times from people just trying to make conversation. My answers included:
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe it”
“Well, you know, I’m sure, about such things, how’s your life?”
“Just as fabulous as you can possibly imagine”
And to the What Do You DO question?
“Mostly nap”
“drink coffee, give bossy advice to people who pay me for it + stay in my pjs”
“Oh, well, you know, that’s complicated. Why don’t you tell me about your work?”
And to the Bolivia question?
“I’d love to get started on that right away, do you know of an empty bedroom?”
“well, we stopped long enough to come to this (fill in event)”
And to the “What’s your name” question?
Pinkie
Antoinette
T-rex
Sparkles
Sprinkles
Cupcake
Yo Momma
Wishin you all fabulously inappropriate answers at the rest of your holiday events :)
Twitter: YelenaKublitski
Oh, the “What’s your name” question!
I usually just agree to the first thing/whatever comes out of their mouths when they try to repeat or read my name, just to get it over with. As in, whatever, I know what you mean when you call me Yelma, Yolanda, Yelanka, Elaina, Elyana, etc.
BUT! I’m playing with the idea of giving them a lesson in pronunciation from now on – complete with theory on Russian sounds, explanation of tongue positioning and demonstration, little phonetic exercises? Making them practice and not letting go until they get it just right? Like, you wanted to know my name? Now you know it! Bwahahahahaha!
But there’s still the “Where are you from” torture… arhh! They usually assume I’m a tourist or something, because right away they start this “How do you like it here” and “What do you like about this country” interrogation. And when I sheepishly mention that I actually live here, they immediately turn around and go “Oh, welcome to America!!!”.
Umm, 8 years ago this would’ve been more timely, but still thanks… I think… Ugh :/
Twitter: melyndahuskey
For all questions that I suddenly don’t want to answer, whatever they may be, I say, “Why do you ask?” Sometimes I smile when I say it. Sometimes I just say it.
Independence Day: The day I figured out no one actually cares about the answers to these questions and I don’t need to spend one iota of energy fretting about it.
Also, when I told people my plan to spend Thanksgiving alone, walking and then eating sushi they drooled with jealousy.
Twitter: abrooks518yahoo.com
I use “roller derby” for coffee/food/hostess situations.
What am I doing for Thanksgiving/Christmas/and federal holiday – going on Sabbatical to the land of misfit toys. I’m looking to change careers.
What I do for work – I have a chargeable rate, so I’m afraid I’ll have to charge you if we discuss further. Or pretend to be a consultant. Nobody knows what we do, and they never ask follow up questions.
Twitter: chloewrites
Your answers to ‘What’s your name?’ are similar to the names my friend Rachel gives her fiction characters. She has a character called Harmonica! And another one called Jingle Bells. And one called Zeem, a Persian perfume fairy who lives in a British tenement flat and eats air freshener when he can’t afford perfume. He’s my favourite.
He lives here: http://www.rachelastruc.com/the-perfume-eater/
I don’t like giving my name either because too many people write down ‘Chole’. I had a mechanic call me once and call me Chole over the phone.
Twitter: pkeahi
For most unwanted questions, I move Ralph Wiggum to the front of my V and say:
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
more from/about Ralph:
http://www.snpp.com/guides/ralph.file.html
Name at a restaurant: Worf, son of Mogh (guaranteed you’ll be the only one)
whee!
Twitter: jovanevery
In the spirit of play I will share my own favourite response to an annoying question.
The Scene: I am pregnant (14 years ago now).
The Annoying Question: What are you having?
My Answer: Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not kittens.
Baffled looks ensue.
JoVE
I would love to know how many kittens jovanevery ended up having!
Also, my all-purpose contributions:
5. “Oh, sticking close to home.”
4. “New York.” (usually followed by “I knew it!” I also sometimes say, “Seattle,” which is usually followed by “I knew it!”)
3. I just say “Kay” in restaurants. This works great unless the person asking is a Spanish speaker, but that’s never more than a moment or so of out-of-context error before they recover.
2. “I find fault with other people’s work for a living.”
1. I don’t get a lot of follow-on questions when I whip out answer #2.
(I do look sad when I give answer #2 – it’s not an especially uplifting line of work.)
Twitter: itsapractice
ooooooooooo…I so resonate with this post, but from both sides.
I am a dedicated practitioner of the covert lifestyle. And not only is my name out of the common way, it’s also a word that makes some people very uncomfortable. Some people simply have a mental block to saying my name. So it’s not only trying to communicate what my name is, it’s also preparing myself from a flinch, a recoil.
But recently I’ve gotten over it, especially in restaurant situations. I figure, let ‘em deal with it.
And most holidays rub me the wrong way–I dislike anytime I have to feel a certain way. Be happy, or else.
But on the question “Where are you from?”–oh lord, forgive me. I grew up in a place with only 2 ethnicities, only 2 religions (Baptist or Methodist, take your pick), and maybe a total of 5 different last names. So when I meet someone who doesn’t fit into those parameters, I’m insanely curious. I automatically know this is going to be an interesting person. For me, if you are ethnically different, that is your pet kangaroo. I know, I know it’s a wrong, rude question to ask. And @Amna, when I read your post, I just cringed. It fit me to a tee.
I keep trying to do better with not asking that question, but please know that most of the people asking it have the best intentions.
Funny…but not…I’m feeling really sad about this post. Questions – unwanted questions – are still often (though not always) just someone’s way of trying to get closer…even if only a tiny bit closer through what they consider a “safe” avenue.
Yeah, I’m sick of people asking how the business is going. I second guess every intention of that question. But how much sadder if no one cared.
I once asked a writer what his new book was about. I asked because another writer friend and I had just worked on this amazing performance piece and I was keen to know what others in our social group were creating. His response was so rude that I have never forgotten. I was truly interested, but he was tired of the question. It was something he was passionate about. I was trying to honor him and find out more about him. I certainly was not trying to pry nor was I trying to be trite.
I get that we all have our space issues and that many of these questions are loaded. I have my own list of loaded questions. But I also know that sometimes I just want to get to know someone better and I don’t know the right questions to ask.
So here’s to the funny, the absurd, and the sad because communicating is just hard.
The question that I love to hate for years (you know, since I got married 6 years ago) has been “so, when are you having kids?” Or, as I hear it “Are you guys ever gonna grow up and procreate already?”
I come up with all sorts of fun answers (stars next to the ones I’ve ACTUALLY used)
Children? I have a husband to raise.
* Well, we were thinking that sometime next decade would be good.
* Actually, we’ve been trying for years, thanks for bringing up that terribly painful subject. (I used this one rather inappropriately on an older woman at church who had met me twice and decided that I was “wasting” my life “being a career woman.” Her words, not mine. We weren’t actually trying, but I wanted to get my point across that it was not okay for her to ask this question after knowing me for less than 15 minutes.)
We’re thinking of getting a puppy.
* I volunteer with other people’s children. That’s a pretty effective form of birth control. (which seamlessly changes the subject to our volunteer efforts)
And now that we are starting a family, I get asked all the time “so what are you gonna do about your business?” as if having a baby should be the end of all career aspirations (or the end of all money making ventures for me as a mother.) The answers I’ve come up with so far:
* Keep running it (with a bewildered expression that I would ever think of not doing what I do).
Outsource it.
Start a special, you can get your drawings from me and the baby spit-up on the comes free.
* Did you know that the amniotic fluid changes flavors 30 minutes after you eat a meal. My kid could get addicted to chocolate before birth! (very effective subject changer)
But my favorite thing to say to people who are genuinely asking is that I’m honestly tired of answering that question and can we please talk about college football instead. That answer allows me to be honest, speak my mind, and communicate effectively my need to talk about something other than babies or the lack thereof in my life.
Thanks for the great post about communication boundaries.
oh i love this so much! i never gave myself permission to just NOT WANT TO ANSWER annoying questions! so i get all jammed up, defensive, aggressive a tiny bit perhaps! and it could be so much easier, because the magic is in the quick change of topic! yes! i start tomorrow! and by the way, my name at cafes is always ‘Tiger’. makes people laugh.
Twitter: clover
We both like the Captain best. I think Blueberry is a good runner-up.
I may vote for Twiglet, though, because it’s fun to day.
Twitter: HelloTheFuture
How I answer the “what’s your name” question:
“I’m Blue. Except my other name is Nicole. And my band’s name is Hello, The Future, which is also just me. AND I’m HelloTheFuture on Twitter.”
Surprisingly this works. :)
Twitter: chloewrites
Clearly the First Mate needs to book @Blue to play live at the Meme Beach House. #justonegirl
Twitter: claireofRA
That’s a fine group of irritating questions you’ve got there. The best way I’ve found to avoid them is to ask them something first. Preemptive conversation directing. Of course, I’m usually not nearly so on the ball for that.
#4. Where are you from?
I don’t read ulterior motives into this one so it doesn’t bother me. And I have had people think I was foreign based on my apparently? unusual accent/speech. You want to think I’m exotic in some way? Go for it.
My ex-fiancee was (in retrospect) hilariously cagey about where she was from in college. The usual drilldown: “East.” “New England.” “Connecticut.” “South of Hartford.” “By the Connecticut River.” “Near Old Saybrook.”
#3. What’s your name?
I dislike saying my own name, so I’m with you here. Also kinda don’t like it when my parents refer to me by name for waitstaff’s sake. Sort of like giving out the power of my true name to strangers for free. Not that I’m a mystical creature or anything…
Doesn’t stop me from giving either of my parents names to maitre’d's instead of mine though. ;)
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaah is right. Made worse because when it’s asked, I realize I forgot to preempt it by asking them something instead.
Not hugely playful, I apologize.
Twitter: LeelaSinha
oh yes let’s play!
where are you from?
my usual answer:
Connecticut.
No where are you REALLY from?
Southwestern Connecticut.
But RREALLYYYYY where are you from?
(at this point I give up and tell them what they want to know) my father is from India.
AHhhhh! (and they are much relieved)
better answers that I can think of when I’m not flustered:
the vineyards
somewhere east of the sun and west of the moon
the forest–I’m part dryad
the end of the earth
@Jude: you’re in Maine! Me too. And no advance planning here either. In fact, a drastic lack of advance planning. Best compliment I’ve gotten here: you’re almost a Mainer.
What do you do?
I write for a living.
I talk about sex.
I midwife beauty.
What are you doing for (holiday)?
Sitting in a tree fort.
Reading a whole book all the way through. Including the footnotes. I like the footnotes the best, don’t you? (dumbfounded silence)
knitting toad socks.
Petting the cat.
Tarot readings.
Chop wood, carry water.
What’s your name?
At a restaurant I give the name of my dining companion.
Even if I’m with a guy.
:)
thanks, Havi. I always forget to think about these things when I’m NOT flustered.
Twitter: AmberStrocel
“What do you do for a living?”
I’m not sure, do you know?
Wait, I’m supposed to be making a living?
I am famous on the internet.
I used to make a living, but now I make a life.
Cheesecake.
Now I think I’ll go eat some actual cheesecake. Only I don’t have any, so it will have to be ice cream masquerading as cheesecake.
Oh! That gives me another answer:
I redefine desserts for my own amusement.
Twitter: theyogaofliving
I’m laughing about this fantastic post, Havi, and about the particular genius of your commenter mice.
When someone asks my name and I tell them, every so often he (it’s usually a he, for some reason) will then say, “Oh? What’s your REAL name?” to which I WANT to reply, “Laura Ingalls,” but I don’t because my inner-LauraIngalls stops me. Pa!
NOW, however, I have the perfect retort, courtesy of @Tara:
Yo Mama. (smile)
Frankly, I doubt I will ever utter this aloud either, but thinking about how hilarious and out-of-character it would be will get me through it, should it happen again.
And @Jenia, I absolutely concur that The Fluent Self is “an online philosophy resource.” :)
Twitter: HeidiDobbs
I’m realizing that there aren’t many questions that annoy me… at least, it isn’t the questions themselves that annoy me, but rather the person asking the question. One lady in particular is immediately coming to mind; she has a way of asking that just comes off as very rude and nosy and judgmental :( Other people can ask the same question and I don’t mind in the least.
The only two questions that routinely bother me are “How are you doing?” (when asked by someone who obviously doesn’t care and really doesn’t want an answer) and “Where do I know you from?”
That last one is the probably the only question that will always annoy me. Likely because it’s pretty much always followed up by a staring silence as they wait for me to tell them where, exactly, they know me from (how am I supposed to know?!)
I used to try to answer, but how can I possibly guess? Sometimes they don’t even actually know me from anywhere, I just look like someone they met once years ago /sigh
So maybe some new answers?
“Well, I was just released from a stint in San Quentin…” (or Semper Virens, the local mental hospital :D heehee)
“Shhh! I’m in Witness Protection, you’ll blow my cover!”
Or maybe I could just stare back at them, and wait for them to become uncomfortable enough to just walk away ;)
Will definitely have to play with this one!
Twitter: noellejoyeux
My favorite answer to “Do people pay you for that?” is “Nope. That’s why you’re buying dinner.”
(Actually, no. My favorite answer is “Nope, but I’m buying you dinner anyway.”)
(And my least favorite thing about that question is the emphasis. I have been asked several times, by people who know that I have depression, “Do people pay you for that?” No better way to get me to stop talking to you altogether, I assure you.)
(But we’re on play. :) So: what’s brown and sticky?)
(A stick.)
Usually my answers for “What are you doing for (holiday)?” either:
a) work
b) trying not to kill anyone
When people ask “where are you from?” I say “Florida” because it’s true. Sometimes, when I say this, people ask “Where is your family from?” and I tell them “New York.” Then they try “have they been here long?” and to that I have said “My great-great grandfather on my mother’s side was slave in South Carolina. That long enough for you?” This resulted in a long and abashed silence.
I don’t mind discussing my ethnic background and my family history among friends who ask respectfully, but when strangers ask with no sensitivity, I get bothered. I am a person, not a specimen. Kindly do not gawk and make conjecture about my origins.
Sometimes I have gotten “what are you?” The only appropriate response I’ve found to that one is a withering glare accompanied by “excuse me?” Though, I suppose any ridiculous reply would work, like “I am a meat popsicle.”
My least favorite questions are “are you a student?” and “when do you graduate?” My student status is complicated and a long, awkward, painful story. So to the first, I often simply say “yes” because that’s simplest. About graduation, I smile and say “never.”
Have, thank you for the laughs!! I too hate those questions (esp. #3).
1. Breathing. Trying to stay out of jail. What’s Christmas???!!!
2. My mom’s ya-ya. (no, that’s rude).
From? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean?
3. Madame. Mademoiselle. Senora. Senorita. Corporal.
4. Pet kitties. No, I mean that literally, you pervert!
Read, listen, talk to people, write things down. Sit through some meetings.
Try to avoid getting sued.
Cross things off lists.
5. Oh dear, yes! Have you seen my shoes? I have a habit to support.
SORRY, meant Havi! :)
My least favorite question: Why is your face so RED??
I’ve been working on this one my whole life.
The honest answer: I’m really fair skinned and flush easily. It doesn’t really mean anything interesting at all.
Another honest answer: because you’re aggravating me.
The “back atcha” answer: why are your hips so BIG??
(or something equally personal and intrusive)
The fantasy answer: I just got back from a month of skiing in the Alps
The instinctive answer: uh, do I know you?
Twitter: latt3girl
Thank you Havi and thank you everyone for your replies, made me feel right at home :)
#5. What are you doing for [insert holiday]?
I used to oblige and say “I’m going home” and then cringe through the follow-up which goes not so differently from #4. Now I just say “I’m staying home and sleeping”. I can take the pitying looks.
#4. Where are you from?
People ask this so casually I HATE IT!!!!!!! “Finland”.”Where there?” Like anyone knows the geography of Finland?!?!? “near the Arctic Circle” “Really? Must get really cold there” and on we go… I fantasize saying I’m from somewhere else entirely but it scares me they might know the language!
#3. What’s your name?
Unlike some of you, I HATE it when people get my first name wrong. Long ago I developed a strategy that I’m pretty proud of as it’s turned out FOOL proof: “What’s your name, love?” “Heli.” “Hayley?” “As in HELICOPTER.” On one occasion which I am now ashamed of I have added “Do you know how that’s spelled?” On another occasion someone asked “is that really a name in Finland”? Can’t win even when you do!
I also use the name of whoever I’m with to book a table…
#2. What do you do?
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah doesn’t begin to cover it. I am capable of many things. I do many things. I don’t know which ONE thing I might want to do for the rest of my life. Most times I try “Marketing” or “Digital marketing” but just as easily regress to “Websites and stuff”. I never use the word ‘brand’ unless the person is in the creative industry.
#1. People pay for that?
I never get this question! Hmm.
Twitter: JaneOfArdis
Oooo…top of my list would be:
How old are you? I tend to deflect this by asking ‘Guess?’… Probably because enjoy the discomfort that is deflected back onto the question askerer, which might make me a little evil…but so be it. Other responses: I could say I don’t want to tell them, 99, a portrait’s rotting in my attic, 15, how old are you?, old enough. Hmm… Old enough to have a portrait rotting in my attic perhaps? I think I like this one. :)
I mainly hate this question because of the weird judging that seems to follow on, especially related to the Aren’t you worried about having children? type question. I’ve stopped trying to fudge and just say No. And then point blank refuse to discuss it further.
Or Maybe you can help me? (Always said after it’s been established that the person who can help them isn’t available.) Again, a firm no seems to be the only way. I seem to have become quite fond of the No lately.
Twitter: shaboom
Ugh. I so relate.
The questions that send me running for my cave include:
How are you?
(I don’t know. Is this a test? I’d be the last to know.)
What are you up to?
(No good. World domination. I’m so over being up to things.)
Where have you been keeping yourself?
(Under a bridge. In an exclusive bordello. Away.)
I also sometimes cringe at compliments about my appearance. This was more true when I was in the art clothing biz. It’s not that I can’t take positive feedback; it’s that sometimes it feels like a request for a level of intimacy I’m not up to.
Oh well. Makes for an interesting path for this supposed extravert.
Twitter: creatievoyage
someone mentioned replying to the what do you do question – Answer – as little as possible and reminded me that this is my becoming my stock answer- I like it because it throws a huge spanner in the works of the must-be-more-productive-industrial-capitalist-complex even more when they realise I’m deadly serious!
Twitter: homeshanti
Coffee names:
Harvey
Rambo
Twinkle
and I’m going to steal some of the above mentioned. Thanks!
Having moved to Paris 5 years ago and mingling in with the expat community, those questions you mentioned seem like some bizarre Pavlovian response. I’ve been thinking of having a fast of these very questions and inviting others to do so as well.
I just have to open my mouth ANYWHERE here and I get the “(you’re not french.)where do you come from?” question.
I think it always is best to answer those questions with a question. There’s no requirement to have an answer – except in our own minds.
How about, ” Why do you want to know?”?
This puts ownership for the intention of their question onto them. After all, some people are genuinely interested in making contact but don’t know how and of course, some are superficial and nosy – so, they have to face that and answer your question.
Twitter: LizardMixture
@Amy- I was sitting with a group of people and a good friend who is a writer was telling us about the book she was writing. I remember I asked her something about it because I was really interested, and her answer was basically “you’ll just have to buy the book and read about it” but it was said in such a nasty way in front of all these people that I felt really stupid and hurt by it. Now I am thinking she was just feeling exposed and scared and lashing out. It’s good to see the other side, since I still remember the embarrassment and anger i felt. I bet she felt that too.
@ Missy- Wow! You brought back the first 12 years of school for me. “Hey, you know your face is turning red?” I’d reply, No kidding, I thought it was going green! Not bad for a really geeky, meek child.
The worst question ever? My friend got asked this at her church: “How does it feel to be the trophy wife?” She was speechless.
As for some of the other questions:
#5. “What are you doing for [insert holiday]?”
Sleeping in, hanging out at home and relaxing.
“Are you spending it with family/friends?” Nope. (said cheerfully with a smile)
“Are you going to cook a turkey?” Nope. (cheerfully, still with a smile) Usually it doesn’t go much past this, as the other person starts to realize how appealing this sounds.
#4. “Where are you from?”
Answers I have used with varying degrees of success:
My mother’s womb.
The hospital.
Planet Earth.
Not sure, I was adopted.
#3. What’s your name?
I’ve always maintained that everyone should be called BOB. It’s easy to spell. It’s easy to pronounce. It’s the same backwards, forwards, upside-down. I’ve even had a few kids in classes I’ve taught ask to be called Bob for the year after I’ve said this.
#2. What do you do?
I work.
I actually had someone say that to me when I asked. And that’s all he’d say. I found out later that he is a psychologist.
#1. People pay for that?
Usually.
Twitter: celestialrose
Love the idea of “do? i try not to do things”. It made my day :)
These are all great responses.
My name is spaniel and I totally catch frisbees :)
As for the holidays, I like to sacrifice a (insert chocolate bar name here)”.
Q: “What do you do?”
A: I try not to “do” but rather “be”. So, a Woman of Integrity, Mystique and Challenge, perhaps?!!
*grins cheekily*
A: I subvert inane questions *smile*
A: I change the world. Starting with challenging the notion that our job titles depict worth and meaning and suggesting that who we are in the world and how we live our values is infinitely more important.
ahhhh, I like it here. Twiglet. heh.
My best awkward “conversation-starter” went something like this.
She: “Well, you have Crohn’s, don’t you?”
Me: “Um, no. Not me.”
What I *should* have said was, “but let me tell you what I *do* have. . . .”
I have to link to Wondermark:
http://wondermark.com/675/
I like some aspects of that approach, though I dislike how aggressive it was.
I had a friend who would say, “Why do you want to know?” very pleasantly when someone asked her a question she didn’t want to answer. But that might also be too in-your-face.
I think what I might say to “What’re you doing for Thanksgiving?” is “Oh, I’m trying to quit this year.” :-) Maybe I should work on memorizing wikipedia…
Twitter: Qrystal
Ohhh my, this whole conversation makes me SO GLAD that I hate ASKING QUESTIONS! It must be because I hate being asked them, myself!
Someone mentioned the “How old are you?” thing, which for some reason happens more for me than any of the other awkward questions. I usually sweetly say, “Guess!” and then whatever the person answers, I say “Sure!” or “Close enough!”
But sweetly! That’s key! I love using the obviously-being-sweet tone of voice that actually reveals that there are some decidedly un-sweet things boiling underneath. It makes it so I don’t have to say, “You probably didn’t want to ask that,” and the conversation tends to change fairly quickly after that.
Some other tough questions for me:
“How’s your thesis?” Me, sweetly: “You know, asking a grad student that is about as bad as asking a woman her age or weight.”
“What’s your thesis about?” Me, usually cringing but trying to sound sweet anyways: “You probably don’t want to know.” And then I pause, and answer with some little detail which is usually enough of an answer that I’m not asked more unless the person is really REALLY curious, in which case it can be fun to talk about.
“When will you be done?” Me, as sweetly as possible with gritted teeth, “Whenever I’m done.”
Twitter: allthingswlove
One of the last positions for employment I applied for was as a nanny. I have years of experience with troubled children; I figured I was a shoo-in for the job. Well..imagine my shock when I was asked during the interview where I was born and how long it took me to pick up my ‘cute’ and’ perfectly done’ local accent.
Imagine the shock on my interviewer’s face when I shot back that I was born about 10 minutes from where she was sitting and had grown up locally, so I had the accent down over 30 years ago.
The look on her face was worth me not getting the job. It took me one step closer to starting a thing..and biggifying it. Hopefully I will be online by New Years Day. :)
Twitter: allthingswlove
PS: My business parter, Louie T. (my feline Vice Pawsident) put his stamp of approval on my last post before I finished it–what I’d wanted to say was that sometimes the best way to answer a question that is somehow inappropriate or uncomfortable, is with blunt honesty, and followed up with a sweetly delivered ‘and why did you want to know?’
Shabbat Shalom!
L’Chaim!
Deb
Twitter: mostlywater413
i’m so glad that other people with weird names hate answering the what’s-your-name question. I guess I have friends with ‘normal’ names because no one ever understands when I try to explain how much i hate introducing myself – and it’s totally just about my name. UGHH!
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