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We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

 

I am a panther

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 333rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

prelude

this week’s wish is a bit surreal, even for me, so let’s invoke trust (may everything that needs to be revealed be revealed in good timing), as we let the word-magic of wish time do its thing….

Liberation story:

I am a panther
recently liberated (or self-liberated, possibly) from a zoo
it was a very spacious comfortable zoo, I wasn’t mistreated,
I just wasn’t free
now I am free and I don’t entirely know how this works

that is to say:
how am I (who am I) when I am free
how do I remember my way back into my essential panther nature
how do I reclaim my true freedom beyond just being outside of the gates

all good things are wild and free

Thoreau said this
but what does it mean to be wild and free
if Thoreau was right…
what is the good thing that is me

I made my way to the wise woman of the mountain
she wasn’t there
(I suspect this was intentional)
she left me a note in panther markings:

I cannot give you the answers you are looking for
only clues
here they are:
fall in love with oxygen
glow from within

what do I know about this
as a panther
what wisdom, what ancestral knowledge lives in my cells
waiting to be reclaimed

1) fall in love with oxygen, what does this mean?

breathe deep and free, inhale like it is your passion,
breathe your way into lost scent and lost wildness,
become intimately familiar with the passage of life energy
through you

take oxygen like it is your playmate,
your lover,
your new and only drug,
feel your pulsing life force
be breathed
treasure and pleasure in these breaths, each one glowing you alive
breathe like you have nothing better or more enjoyable to do
than pulse with life
because that is the way

2) glow from within, what does this mean?

be lit up
spark
and let every movement come from sparking
understand movement that ignites and is ignited
again, feel-and-be the pulsing life force
the rhythm that pulls you in

glow first, then allow
let the feeling of deliberate desire lead to deliberate deliverance
as wanting to move leads to that first movement beginning
leads to movement expanding leads to movement finishing
and evolving into the next movement

(you have to wait for it)

allowing each movement to reach its natural fullness, its expansiveness

trust this

trust your glow
trust your spark
trust oxygen to do what it needs to do
to soothe and to steady, to fill and to ignite

freedom is actually saying (yes) to life

and to do that you have to fall in love with breath
say yes with your breath
and glow-spark glow-spark glow-spark glow
(kick push coast)
do you remember?

in pursuit of freedom
here we go

how do I panther, how am I free, what do I know about this

free is living yes unhesitatingly (120%)
taking up space unapologetically
glowing harder
full trust
an impeccable awareness of {self} and {space}
both internal and external:
how much energy you have in a given moment
how much desire you feel towards or away from
positive or negative connection
a reconfiguring of your atomic field
positive/negative charged ions

a panther lives in this shifting field
a panther moves through shifting fields as a
shifting field
of positive/negative charged ions
a force field of glowing
sparks of light

be unhesitating in desire

unhesitating in desire
unhesitating about desire
a panther doesn’t hem and haw about whether it wants or not
it either wants or it does not want, no hesitation necessary
it wants and it acts
it wants and it initiates movement
movement comes from center and expands, ripples out
movement collapses back in on the center like a black hole of desire which then
opens up and expands outward again
with each new breath and new desire

so many things you thought were yes are no

you thought they were yes because that was a yes from within captivity
it was a so-close, an almost, so it became a yes by necessity
you are free now, so you are DONE
with things that are almost and maybe and sort of

you can still enjoy anything that gives you pleasure
because pleasure has power
but you understand the difference between this temporal yes of
edge meeting edge
in the raw sexy touch of edge-play
vs the exhale yes of ahhhhhhhh this is home

(and yes, you can have both)
(and yes, you must have both)
(because you are a panther and you live this)

what else do I know?

plastic must go
panthers don’t like plastic
their golden eyes go indifferent
don’t put plastic near a panther
it’s just a different kind of cage

just let it all go
and then let go some more

a compass for being a panther in the month of Glow More

the month of Glowvember is good timing to be
a newly liberated panther learning about
sparks and ignition
having a wild affair with wildness
oxygen and freedom

here is the golden softly glowing
honeycomb-shaped sun-compass of Glow More
I do not know if panthers care much for compasses
but this one is looking for direction…

North: glow TRUST more
Northeast: RELAX and glow more
East: SHINE your glow more
Southeast: EXPAND into glowing more
South: ANCHOR the glowing-more of your glow more
Southwest: TREASURE your glow more
West: GLOW your glow more
Northwest: WILD glows more

being a panther

I listen to a recording about releasing fear of flying
(I do not have fear of flying)
(so I replace flying with glowing)

what do I know about the me who is
wholly unafraid
of glowing

Isabel Wild aka Incoming Me,
possibly also the wise woman of the mountain, says

one day you will laugh that you ever thought glowing was anything other than
calming and comforting
something you cannot be without
and truth: you glow already
people who can see do not miss it
so just turn it up
and let the glow be both a beacon to those who need to see you
and a fiery protective field to cloak you from everyone who does not need to see you

and know this:
being free is energizing
so let go of the perception that figuring out panther life is work

more about the me who glows

live this
enter this
we will glow so hard that [people at dance or on the bus] who try to siphon our energy
or express their unsolicited inappropriate thoughts
get BURNT, or at least LIGHTLY TOASTED
by our radiant glowing boundaries,
they immediately feel crispy and back off,
because we are a force to be reckoned with and
no one can plug into our power source anymore, amen

it is effortless
I do not initiate the burning
I am just radiantly present
and the glow holds itself
without needing me to do anything

glow requires of me only that I
rest (into clarity)
and follow the pulse of my beautiful desire
and breathe breathe breathe
my way into freedom

what do I know about my wish this week

it is a proxy,
that is to say, you might know this already but
I am not actually a panther?

or you could say: I am feeling into this panther story which is also my story
to learn what there is to learn about being
deeply involved in aliveness
with passion, intention and a renewed commitment to both
freedom and glowing

other than that,
the rest (ha!) is for me to find out
maybe freedom has to do with stepping outside of the rigging
or this could be about a wish I made in my heart about Not Settling
or a return to shmita life
maybe all of this and more
wishes after all are fractal flowers
and they go deep

so I look forward to discovering not only
my panther essence
and my spark-and-glow
but what else this wish holds for me
I only know that it will be beautiful
and it will glow

may it be so!

now

close to the fire with Agent Carolina Sloan and a compass
a pot of tea
and big magic

last week I said:

glow more glow more glow more
down the unfamiliar path

I think I am here
I think this is the unfamiliar path
freedom

superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone.

November - Glow More november (on the fluent self calendar) is GLOW MORE, with the superpower of I do not dim my spark for anyone

this is a good superpower for
American Thanksgiving
which I call Hermitsgiving
because it makes me want to run away and hide

I can hide and glow at the same time though
these are not mutually exclusive
contrary to popular belief
in fact often retreating is the fastest way
to activate-and-enhance glow-state

a good way to not dim our spark for people
is to remember that there is enough oxygen for each of us
enough room for everyone’s glow
and that glowing delineates boundaries
and god knows we need more of that this time of year

I am also trying to stay offline (other than here)
because this is the season of Comparison and Scarcity Tactics
and other Wildly Unsovereign Bullshit
not dimming my spark means not engaging with the world where
that is normal and okay

thank you, past-me, for putting my glow
on the calendar

last week’s wishes

I wished a wish about resting into clarity and the wild mysteries

this was a good week for remembering how vitally important it is
to build in pauses
sometimes I chose them
and sometimes they fell into my lap

I have gone much deeper than I ever imagined
into the wild mysteries
(including, now, the mystery of my panther self)
(and the mystery of who am I when I am free)
and I am in awe of all the treasure here

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

21 Responses to I am a panther

  1. Pqw-orange
    Twitter: fiadhiglas
    says:

    Waves Hello, from a mountain lion in MD.

    {freaking out abt 12 hrs in the car tmrw, to visit people I don’t want to see, for 3 full days, then 12 hr drive back}

    As I read this post, my breathing slowed, deepened. I may have achieved theta brain waves – that usu requires forests and/or running water.

    Thank you for believing in your self & process enough to post this.
    Pqw-orange recently posted… Dream elements: 11.24.15

  2. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat
    says:

    Panther!!! <3

    My wish today is to be light, to shimmy and shimmer, to float with flair through the next few weeks. May I remember that my burdens are illusions. May I lighten up, and light up the sky.

  3. Nela says:

    I love so much about this wish – especially the radiant glowing boundaries that burn the folks who dare to mess with them…
    I’ll take that :)

    My heart goes out to all you US people who have to deal with Thanksgiving crap – may you find all the peace, comfort and steadiness you need.

    My wish this week is to recognize and accept responsibility.

    Backstory: we had a malfunction in the home which resulted in some interpersonal stuff, and the whole situation was hugely symbolic – like over the top symbolic.
    Water pump broke = BLOCKED FLOW, in the feng shui zone of PROSPERITY, and there was a MESS to clean up, and the person X was just WAITING WITH ARMS CROSSED (literally) for things to sort out “by themselves”.

    I have a good sense of irony, and I see where this is going. I see that I’M the big baby, waiting around for things to get better without my intervention.
    So it might be a good time to claim responsibility and see how I can get my hands dirty, metaphorically speaking.

    I fear what this wish might bring about, but Slightly Future Me told me there’s nothing to worry about, and that there’s freedom and possibility and opportunities to look forward to.
    And she also gave me a helpful tip to not go all in, but to play with the mantra “This is my responsibility” and see how it’s true, and what resistances come up.

    Progress on last week’s VPA, about feeling I have enough and knowing I *am* enough:

    Worked out great. I recognized instances where I had plenty, and am plenty. FOMO didn’t get triggered nearly as much as usual.

    I also made the special sabbatical journal (started using it already) to document insights from a month of no media. Also fears about nobody reading my blog if I don’t post on ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA got considerably smaller, and I’m open to finding different ways to connect to people.
    Nela recently posted… Sketchbook adventures: Aqua Ladies sketching process video

  4. Kate says:

    Two of the four things on today’s menu (what other folks might call a ‘todo list’, but I find a list of possible awesome things I might choose to do to be WAY awesomer) were ‘take the cat to the park for a walk’ & ‘take a hot hot bath’. Because I glow, unashamedly. (Slightly glowier than usual now, since I’m fresh out of the bath.)
    Kate recently posted… chocolate orange bath salts

  5. Claire P
    Twitter: making_space
    says:

    My wish is to remember that my current mission is ‘I am a wabi-sabi lover who is teaching neurotic ghosts how to find the beauty of impermanence and imperfection, while the ghosts teach me how to moan’. I am invoking the superpower of wabi-sabi appreciation: every time I do not perform the mission correctly I am being/doing/performing/practicing wabi-sabi, ergo I am performing the mission correctly.

  6. Kathleen Jowitt
    Twitter: KathleenJowitt
    says:

    Panther! This is a beautiful wish. I would like to glow more, too. And I want to find the rest (haha, rest! Maybe the glow is part of the rest!).

    I also note that on Sunday I wished for something to write a blog post about. WISH GRANTED, eek! (WordPress has just helpfully informed me that my stats are booming. Why yes, they are.)
    Kathleen Jowitt recently posted… Open letter to my bishop

  7. Feanare says:

    I am currently utterly in love with everybody’s wishes!

    This week I am all about freedom and boundaries as well. And TRUST.

    Like the young wolf (YW) having travled all over and found lots of ways of hubting, trotting, singing and playing that none in it’s pack of orgin knows about. And as long as the YW is visiting the pack it’s supposed to behave like it’s old self, eveb though it doesn’t even remeber who this old self used to be like anylonger. Except that it used to be the diplomatic wolf, who always found sulutions to everybody elses everything. And did not know how to take care of itself. So the pack seems to demand the utter behavoir of such a wolf, even though the inner landscape of YW has evolved. – at least that’s the story I am making up.

    The past couple of weeks I’ve wished for support in varous fashions and In 45 minutes I am heading to a jobinterview to work for my favourite company in ALL OF EARTH. It’s a silly job, an amazing job, a cold job. That I will probably loathe at times. But it’s also the clearest YES I’ve heard in ages. It’s home. It’s the place I’ve always wanted to live, if it wasn’t a [bookstore] and one could live there. And it’s the place that have provided endless hours of safety from city noise and feeling all panicky and stuffs. I am going home, hoping they’ll have me. And all I can think about is joysparks. Loads of joysparks and magic.

    This week I’ve secretly been wishing for magic and glowing sparks of joy everywhere. Now I am wishing out loud. May all the joy and magic find it’s way to me, and everybody else who needs it.

  8. Angel says:

    Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.

    Yes. This.

    And this times at least 4,775!!:

    “and truth: you glow already
    people who can see do not miss it
    so just turn it up
    and let the glow be both a beacon to those who need to see you
    and a fiery protective field to cloak you from everyone who does not need to see you”

    The idea that the glow, my glow, can also (at the very same time) be a fiery protective cloak?! That is so much smart and feels good on so many levels.

    I think I can glow (or release some of my fears around glowing) with this understanding as a foundation.

    *Hand on Heart Sigh* for this.

    and so it is <3
    Angel recently posted… The Beauty of Single-tasking

  9. seagirl says:

    What beautiful wishes!!! Especially the hiding & glowing at the same time. I have recently learned about holding differing things in both hands. So hiding could go in one hand, and glowing in the other and there they both are!

    Last week I wanted to give the Monsters a job as look outs. They are so good at it! They kept their eyes peeled for trouble while I worked on things, and they let me know when it was time to open the mail or answer the phone since those 2 things are the sure way to head off anxiety. The boat moved forward, and avoided the rocks because we saw them in time.

    Also, Thanksgiving was so much more fun that I imagined. I definitely need to remember that now is not then. Because now is good.

    My wish for this week:
    Lots of new clients and a filling pipeline.

    I would like to get my home peacefully organized again to carry through the new year. And to remember the children’s birthdays. And to be a haven for me.

    Connection. Yoga. Sustained forward movement. Hiding and glowing.

  10. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium
    says:

    “because this is the season of Comparison and Scarcity Tactics
    and other Wildly Unsovereign Bullshit
    not dimming my spark means not engaging with the world where
    that is normal and okay”

    !!!!!!!!!

    Some things I want:

    * to feel less defensive when partner complains or kibbitzes about how I (don’t) put things away
    * to feel less jealous of younger friends earning more money, in better health, etc.
    * to meet what’s expected of me through Epiphany with grace and ability. Including the ability to redirect, defer, let be, let go…

    How might I rewrite these patterns?

    * What could help me remember that saying no to [x] will give me more time with the aging dog, the aging neighbor, the waiting house…? and that doing so is in alignment with my values when I am able to poke my head out of the Ludicrous Fear Popcorn dunes?
    * Greet the fear-stuff of others with blessings? Sparkly blessings?
    Rad radiance?

    Warm wishes to all y’all.
    Mechaieh recently posted… no more important than the tracks of sandpipers

  11. Grace
    Twitter: simonethinks
    says:

    you are a
    wild (like sexy),
    wild (like out in nature),
    wild (like untamed)
    genius

    breathing every word of this
    down to my belly

    leaving love love love love
    and appreciation

  12. Karensu Light_of_Summer
    Twitter: light_of_summer
    says:

    Belated but intense <3! Thank you for writing about being a panther and glowing. I especially liked the part about effortless boundaries.

  13. Puck says:

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    How do I articulate how deeply this speaks to me?

    For a very long time (when I wrote more), one of my most important characters was a newly freed panther. He was hurt and angry and soft and loving; he wanted so desperately to be free of the thing that pursued him, and even when he escaped into another world, another timeline, for a long time he was looking over his shoulder; he was edgy; he protected himself by shutting down. Until he learned what it was to soften into affection, to trust that even hurt he would survive, to learn what was home for him.

    I’m not sure if this is a clue, but his name was Jasper Laine.

    I forgot about Jasper for a long time, but this post brought him back to me. I think he’s a metaphor, and it might be time for me to rediscover him.

    Big stars of yes for this: “so many things you thought were yes are no

    you thought they were yes because that was a yes from within captivity
    it was a so-close, an almost, so it became a yes by necessity
    you are free now, so you are DONE
    with things that are almost and maybe and sort of

    you can still enjoy anything that gives you pleasure
    because pleasure has power
    but you understand the difference between this temporal yes of
    edge meeting edge
    in the raw sexy touch of edge-play
    vs the exhale yes of ahhhhhhhh this is home

    (and yes, you can have both)
    (and yes, you must have both)
    (because you are a panther and you live this)”

    and also for this: “plastic must go
    panthers don’t like plastic
    their golden eyes go indifferent
    don’t put plastic near a panther
    it’s just a different kind of cage”

  14. […] But as Havi explained about being a panther: […]

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