very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 361st consecutive week of wishing, come play!

wanting

all week I have tried to put
words to my wishes
and I can’t, so instead of asking my usual question
(what do I want)
let’s ask something new

what do I know

what do I know

my wishes right now are unbearably tender and vulnerable
I dare not even whisper them to myself

what do I know

today I passed a guy in the supermarket wearing a shirt that said
I am both bigger and smaller than my body
that is it exactly
whatever it is I am wishing for right now
the wish I cannot even let myself know about
it is smaller than a tiny sweet thing
and, clearly, it is also huge
because I’ve spent all day in tears
over the thought of writing about my wishes
and I don’t even know why

what do I know

re-entry is hard
it is so hard
I came back from an unplanned week escape at the coast
where I had everything I could possibly need:

water and sanctuary
joy and play
inspiration and freedom

morning walks down the hill towards my favorite view in the world
that echoing expanse of magnificence
and now nothing is right

what do I know

when I used to [verb] retreats and rallies
I would explain to people that sometimes (often)
when you return into the world that was your world
it can suddenly seem distressingly not-okay,
and we think augh why did I go on retreat
it was supposed to make my life better but now I feel awful

here is happening in this scenario:
you have made internal shifts that are not yet reflected
in your surroundings
and you are hyper-aware of incongruence around you
it isn’t that things are bad now
it’s that you hadn’t noticed before to what extent
the things that are no longer working for you aren’t working
and now you do and it hurts

it hurts

the thing that hurts is the dissonance
the awareness of the gap
but awareness of the gap is also
how you cross through

what do I know

a funny thing — in that moment, as I was thinking about re-entry
and what a great stirring up it is,
I was also watching Scandal,
and about ten seconds after I scribbled Re-entry Is Hard
on my notepad
a character said these exact words:

re-entry is hard
you were in deep cover
everything feels different and off now
adjusting takes time, and kindness

it was a deeply bewildering moment
but then truth gets delivered in marvelous ways sometimes

what do I know

I wished last week about sanctuary and finding
my peaceful place
and I found it of course
in the place it always is, inside of me, when I take care of myself
and also in the other place it always is, by the water
in view of my favorite bridge
the bridge that is devoted to my pursuit of pleasure
and whispers truth-secrets to me
when I listen

and then I returned to the physical place
where I am trying to build a sanctuary and
another sanctuary
and realized that something is off

alright

something is off
let’s talk about what I want
let’s talk around what I want

what do I want

I am having a very Day 4 meltdown
and so of course what I need is the very day four superpower of

Oh Right Of Course This Meltdown Is The Exact Right Meltdown For Me To Be Having Right Now Even If I Don’t Yet Know Why

aka This Moment Is A Blessing
aka Trust Life And Let This Moment Play Out And Unfold
aka Nothing Is Wrong and All Is Well

acknowledgment and legitimacy:
it is okay to be melting down right now
this makes sense
it’s part of re-entry and
I don’t have to like it

what do I want

I want to not be going through this alone
and, more specifically, I want a helper who is a rabbit,
oh something like a personal assistant
but not that
and not the highly branded virtual kind that
this internet world is full of or used to be at least

I said earlier on twitter:

“tinder, but for work dates”

and sure, that’s kind of what I want
someone to sit across from me and smile at me while I write
someone I can show my list of rabbit things
and they will say “ah” and “yes”
and then maybe do some of my rabbit things for me

rabbit things

I want a pretend work date
with a pretend rabbit
someone to to smile at me and not-talk while I write
and figure out the next steps for Operation Rabbit 23

rabble-rousing rabbits!

did you ever read those wonderful books about freddy the detective pig
a group of rabbits create a sort of secret ninja society to defend freddy
in times of need
of which there are many
the rabbit gang are inspired rabble-rousers with
high opinions of themselves and very tiny knives
that they don’t actually use
they call themselves the Horrible 10
and Rabbit 23 is their leader whose marvelous title is Head Horrible

yes let’s talk about Rabbit 23 and the Horrible Ten since
I am not ready to talk about my wishes
and this particular wish is a very good proxy mission indeed

what do I love about the horrible ten?

they are fierce and mighty (a mighty mighty rabbit crew!)
they are fearless even though they have zero reason to be
oh the fabulous braggadocio
and in rhyme

what is it called when rappers tell you how great they are?
the Horrible Ten were great at that
like the time they expanded their ranks and became the Horrible Twenty…

“We are the Horrible Twenty/ Of ferocity, boy! we’ve got plenty!”

fearsome!

nothing makes me happier than this image of these
very small rabbits getting all pumped to be FEARSOME
I also love how it is a secret gathering and clandestine agents
and how they are not actually horrible or vindictive at all
oh, and of course, it’s also about
challenging cultural assumptions
(yeah? you think rabbits are mild and meek?
we get to be how we want, dammit!)

what is Operation Rabbit 23?

this is my wish about getting someone to help me
do all the things that need doing
(or really outsource all the things that need doing)
on my various sanctuary-related ops
including the basement studio and possibly operation Wild Wild Nest

I need someone who can squeeze my hand
make calls for me
help me put lists in order and say wonderfully reassuring things like
“it’s all taken care of” and “we don’t need to worry about this”
ahhhh and it is like having my own Head Horrible
to be on my side
yes please

what would the italian heiress do?

so while I was in astoria, I needed a cover story
and somehow it came about that I was a wealthy eccentric italian heiress
who had fallen in love with the oregeon coast
fortuitously, I have a friend who is both a native astorian and
always up for hilarity, play and adventures (my favorite things)
who gleefully volunteered to play the part of a lumberjack-for-hire
who could show her the sights and introduce her to the locals

this turned out to be the best secret mission in the world
Adrianna Bradamante Rosabella Feliciana Saveria!
that is her/my name and it means
[Dark Wild-Lover Beautiful-Rose Fortune A-New-House]
which is all the things I want from life
and all the things I want to be
see? I knew I would share my true wishes
if I created enough safety for myself here

so what would Adrianna do

what would I do if I trusted myself to do what I want to do?

what do I know
Adrianna wears red red red lipstick
and loves argentine tango
she goes skinny dipping in the river if she feels like it
and never apologizes for being fabulous and luscious and alive
she does not dim her spark for anyone
she walks through doors like they were meant to open for her
she does not follow half-yeses
she lives in that delicious tingling moment that comes
two and a half seconds after
the whispered yes in your heart
to something you want that both scares you and excites you
the kind of wants that I am afraid to know about

Adrianna and rabbit 23

fearlessly showing up for full yes
and thinking (knowing!) that they are amazing
this is what I want

truth

part of this hidden wish then involves letting myself see
not only my yeses
but just how many yeses I have been ignoring
or how many times I have acquiesced to half-yeses
for lack of a better option
or lack of believing that full yes is a possibility

how can Operation Rabbit 23 help me with my secret wishes?

right now I am having trouble acknowledging my yeses
but once I do, logistics is where everything will get sticky
so having help in place with logistics
is what I need anyway
plus I need those qualities of wild fierceness and intensity
and feeling disproportionately capable and proud of how amazing I am
yes, this is in fact exactly what I need to
have more Adrianna in my life as well
of course how did I not see that

what do I know about my wish?

it is about being brave enough to want what I want
while creating safety and sanctuary to not have to say it until I am ready
it is about play and playfulness
and how these support both vitality and aliveness as well as
sanctuary, shelter, containment and Safety First
it is about being someone (me!) who is so deeply committed to both play and safety
that even in the midst of melting down
when I have no home and no plan and
find both my wishes and the prospect of wishing itself to be completely terrifying
I can still recite rabbit poetry
put on lipstick with Adrianna
remember how re-entry works
name something that I want
and trust that all this is good

may it be so!

now

I shared a smile today with a stranger
it was such a good smile
they were riding a bike
and I can’t tell you anything else about them
because that is all I know
just that we shared the most delicious reckless partners-in-crime smile
and then they were gone

I had a lovely moment of feeling grateful about being an adult
which is to say that I recognized the magic of the moment
as being held inside of
the sharing of qualities, the glowing of qualities,
instead of thinking that this particular person holds the magic
or that I need them in any way
source lives within me and
glows within me always
which means magical moments are available to me through
presence, pleasure, peacefulness, practice
aka showing up for life

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

months-June-VPA-2016
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very perfect for a mission about Sanctuary, and hahaha the next indicated step is revealed to me, yes yes yes, this is all I need and this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a big wish about sanctuary called wild into wonder

this was a marvelous wish and exactly what I needed, and yes, if it brought me (which it might have, indirectly) to my current meltdown state of Where Is My Sanctuary and How Do I Find My Way To A New And Better Yes, then what a blessing, and what a reminder that sanctuary is also the answer to this melting down

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes