What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Visions #198: A salve for things that are raw.

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Planting: Salve for everything that is raw.

The situation. And background.

Things are feeling raw right now, for many reasons.

Partly from having visited too close to some edges recently.

Partly from being a Highly Sensitive Person who needs far more quiet and spaciousness to get by than anyone else she knows.

Partly from being a person who lives in silence in what is either an increasingly noisy world or an already noisy world further amplified by my silence.

Mostly because of Boston, though. I lived nearly a third of my life in Tel Aviv. I experienced more than my fair share — fair? what is fair? — of bombings. Firsthand too. I have seen more bodies and blood than I care to. I have learned to navigate my way around PTSD. Mainly, I became both more sensitive and more jaded about [all kinds of things] than I ever want to be.

Sometimes it seems to me like those years made me hard in places where I want or expect to be soft, and soft in places where I need some more hard.

And I recognize this raw-meets-numb sensation. Where everything rubs. Where bitter and fearful come to the surface suddenly and with intensity. Where I feel nothing and everything at once.

What I want.

Quiet steadiness. Loving presence. To take exquisite care of myself and me-from-then who blocked out so much pain because she had to.

A salve for things that are raw.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Quiet. Softening.Presence. Strength. Steadiness. Plenty. Peacefulness. Shelter.

And the superpower of remembering that Now Is Not Then, Now Is Reminding Me Of Then, Which Is Not The Same Thing.

What might help?

  • Now Is Not Then.
  • Making safe rooms for the me who thinks that it is then.
  • Bringing a more capable me to the “front of the V”
  • Saying “I am here now”. Naming five things. Active practicing of presence.
  • Finding out what new boundaries might look and feel like. Trying them on like a costume.
  • Making space for myself. Away from social media, away from people with leaky force fields, away from expectations, away from noise.To the best of my abilities.
  • Conscious entry.
  • Emptying and replenishing. When and where I can.

What else?

Letting things be raw.

The raw is legitimate. The raw is temporary. The raw is not the whole truth of me.

This is me, finding out what things are like while they are raw. We’ll be at Rally, the safest place in the world for raw (and also for rah!).

I can also reread these posts:

And I can invent a salve. I know about pain. And I know about recovery from pain. There might be no one better equipped for Imaginary Salve-Making than me right now. So let’s play. I can play.

Anything else?

Bond has been very quiet during this rawness.

And it occurred to me, Bond goes through healing periods and growth periods too.

Maybe this rawness is a little bit like the period after one mission or adventure, before the new one has emerged. When you’re recovering from getting grazed by the bullets, and from adrenaline and loss, from all that jumping from rooftop to rooftop in Marrakesh or whatever.

This is the part where you land, and then there are some layers to slip off and sleep off.

Yes. Maybe Bond and I are holing up somewhere, in recovery mode. This rawness might prove to be useful then. This is something I need to learn more about.

I’m playing with…

Wearing trust like a costume.

Giving myself permission and legitimacy, over and over again. This raw-numb-grief-empty everything is natural and normal, expected and understandable. Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, I don’t know yet how I’m going to take care of myself, but I’m committing to taking care of myself.

Commitment and presence. Commitment to presence. That’s what I’m playing with. And when I can’t do that because it hurts too much, that’s okay too. When I commit to presence, I’m also committing to being present with that, and letting that be completely reasonable too.

What I want.

Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.

Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

  • I need to get from Vancouver, BC to Seattle, Washington on May 11 or 12. What I really want is a ride with someone. But I would also take recommendations for best way to do that. Train? Plane? Ferry? Weigh in, please. And while I appreciate-in-advance invitations to brunch and such, I will be in extra-silent-retreat mode for this particular trip, and will be avoiding social stuff. Another time!
  • Operation Word Plum, of course, of course.
  • All things that need reconfiguring now reconfigure sweetly and easily.
  • All misunderstandings dissolve in love.
  • Continuing to protect strong radiant glowing boundaries by continuing to gracefully decline everything that isn’t wildly appealing in that moment.
  • All endings are received with presence.
  • Spaciousness. Ease. Hopefulness.
  • The kind of healing that happens invisibly, under the surface, and suddenly ….Hey, didn’t that used to be a thing?
  • Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
  • Operation Why Yes I Am A Princess.
  • Prom. Yes, I’m going to prom. As a chaperone. I know. Not even a proxy! How can this be easy? Hmm. Maybe it should be a proxy! Oooh, it could be my Rally project….
  • Miracles at Stompopolis! and in general.
  • Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
  • Conduct. Breathe. Conduct. Breathe.
  • What do I need? What do I want?
  • Welcome, fears. Come this way. Straight to the hugging room! We have it all set up for you.
  • Sweet blissful steadiness.
  • Love.

The qualities inside of the wants:

Let’s stick with last week’s qualities. Those are good, and I can definitely use more of these…

Blissful steadiness. Wonder. Quiet. Trust. Radiating. Plenty. Glow. Precision.

And the superpower of using the tools available, and being glad they’re there.

Again again again. Seeing the secret holiness of everything.

Ways this could work.

Operation TRUST MORE.

Plant more seeds. Seed more silence. Trust more. Nope, more than that. Recognize that the trusting itself requires trust. Be okay with not trusting, which is itself a form of trusting more! Like that.

I’m playing with…

Something that came out of a compass meditation. “Trust in presence to steady the glow.”

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Using silence to say the unsaid things worked surprisingly well, actually.

I had a number of potentially difficult conversations by post-it note and text, and they all went easily. I said a not-goodbye-but-farewell-for-now that was incredibly painful to do and that I have been avoiding for months, but I was able to do it with love and a heart full of sweetness.

And I didn’t say a lot of things, but it was okay that I didn’t say them. Also, hilariously, I got laryngitis. So that was kind of literal. Though since I already live in silence, I’m not sure that anyone noticed.

What else? Operation Tailor Tailor and Operation POSTPONE went well. I found out what the hat wanted! I asked Rebecca the thing I needed to ask. Prom dress is taken care of. A thing that needed to exit has exited, and gracefully. And conducting saved my ass this week.

While it was a week that was hard and painful, I am so pleased with everything I planted here, and with everything I learned from asking. So that’s a sweet reminder. This process is useful just through existing, sometimes I forget that.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.

xox

8 Responses to Visions #198: A salve for things that are raw.

  1. Sue T says:

    @Havi,
    Hummmmmmm for salves and all the qualities you want.

    What I want #1:
    To figure out where to plant the new plants. To plant them while the ground is still soft from the last rains. To do some more non-achy weeding while ditto.

    How it could happen:
    - I could continue to be in an Aprilicious state of mind.
    - New plant locations could magically announce themselves.
    - The weeds could continue to be ready to be pulled.

    I will plan on:
    - Using the rules for ergonomically-sound weeding postures. (Ha! Doesn’t that sound silly! Silliness will be helpful.)
    - Checking for planting locations in the back yard too.
    - Getting the mulch out of the car and starting to get it on the areas already weeded.
    - Remembering the sunscreen.
    - Being thankful for Spring and e. e. cummings (for “mud-lucious”)

    What I want #2:
    To continue the decluttering and eek-tax-work momentum.

    How it could happen/qualities that apply (for both Wants):
    - The Wood Element of Spring [from Chinese Medicine] could continue operating in my brain: Awakening, Focus, Movement, Opening, Reaching, Growth, Expansion, Determination.
    - And also: Cheerfulness, open windows and windowblinds, deep breathing, taking breaks (Paws!), appreciating the sunshine.

    I will plan on:
    - Restarting the daily processing of incoming mail.
    - Remembering the new recycling pick-up schedule.
    - Getting another set of donatable books inventoried and bagged for transport.
    - Reminding the minor monsters that hibernating-Winter is over, and that (Science has demonstrated!) just because I’m late doesn’t mean we can’t keep making progress.
    - Reviewing the conversation with the (major) Blocked monster (“Only a truly monolithic Stuckness will make you uncomfortable enough to actually take an action when the piles take up this much space and generate this much sticky energy.”). Repeating this will let the Threat monster relax and will make starting easier.

  2. KCH
    Twitter: vicarpac
    says:

    https://www.boltbus.com/

    Can get you from Vancouver to Seattle on the cheap. Amtrak is another option, might allow you to avoid social contact more than the bus.

    I don’t think there is ferry service from BC to Seattle other than through Victoria, but if you loved the idea of water you could take BC Ferries from Vancouver to Victoria and then grab the Victoria-Seattle ferry separately.

  3. Meg
    Twitter: khunmeg
    says:

    <3

  4. VickiB says:

    Progress was made on practically everything I asked for last week. Yay, trucks!

    This week I want:
    Next Steps.
    Impulsiveness.
    Sunshine.

    Love to everyone’s VPAs.

  5. seagirl says:

    Sending good wishes for everyone’s workings & playings.

    Last week I wanted to be higher up the triangle. I ventured out, reconnected, asked more, gave more. Some meetings go rearranged due to Things In The City, but they will go forward.

    Then I realized, that I do have squares colored on the top of the triangle, but I need to fill in down below. So, that is our mission, get feet firmly on the ground while keeping head high up in the air.

    Being open to all there is this week, knowing the right thing will click.

    Working on the work I have.

    Writing, writing, writing.

  6. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat
    says:

    Update from last week: My voice is mending.

    What I want this week: a rich, resonant and radiant Rally on my own, playing the home game. I am determined to get to Portal-land someday, but meanwhile, I will explore the view from my own porthole.

    Qualities inside the want: Zoom. Connection. Creativity. Play. Self-care. Sparkle. Zing.

    Ways this could work: Lots and lots and lots of reminders to myself. Even more than I think I need. More than that! Oh, and lightness, of course. Lightness, and permission, and openness. If I decide that I am having a Home Game Rally, and that everything that happens during that time is part of Rally, then it is.

    I’m playing with… Everything.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Promises.

  7. Corie Weaver
    Twitter: coriejweaver
    says:

    Where I’m at:
    Things are changing so fast right now. This spring has been filled with surprises. I’m actually really pleased with myself for keeping on top of the crest. However, I haven’t been spending as much time as I’d like with the soft, and I’d like to get back into having more time for thinking, more time for reflection. And to unstick on a couple of projects.

    Things I want:
    Progress on SMW and LVACD – enough that I feel ok thinking about them
    Words down on more HT
    Celebration rituals – maybe daily?
    To know things are moving with FANTAIL, even if this week isn’t very active for it.

    Qualities:
    Clarity
    Serenity
    Groundedness

    Ways this could work:
    Spend the week experimenting with new routines.
    Daily review of where I’m at, and how far things are along.
    Regular celebration of tiny steps again.
    Daily reflection/writing – getting back to my work in the soft.
    Breaking down steps into even tinier ones.

    Much love to all!

  8. Kariel says:

    I’m in Boston. I teach and I come from a family of mental health professionals and teachers. I’ve been reaching out to students, family, and friends. I thought doing that was doing what was needed, but since last Monday, I don’t sleep–or not well. I think I really need that salve for raw things. I don’t know quite how to get it!

    Good wishes to all!

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