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We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.


Visions #187: I put the treat in silent retreat.

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Note! I am away on silent retreat at the VICARAGE.

So this week’s visions will be quieter than usual because: silent retreat!

Thing 1: Noticing all the noticings.

Here’s what I want:

To notice all the things that want noticing.

To be with them. But mainly to be with myself while I notice them.

The qualities inside of the want:

Quiet. Attentiveness. Receptivity. Shelter. Spaciousness. Containment. Belonging. Pleasure. Welcoming. Strength. Congruence. Harmony. Readiness. Willingness. Trust.

And the superpower of looking up at the right moment.

Ways this might work:

It might take some crying. It might take a lot of walking.

I’m playing with…

Remembering that there is time.

And if I stop or if I forget, nothing is wrong.

Thing 2: Giving myself permission.

Here’s what I want:

To give myself permission.

Permission to do, permission not to do. Permission to want and permission not to want. Permission to like and permission to not like anything. Including permission!

The qualities inside of the want:

Tenderness. Vulnerability. Pleasure. Safety. Curiosity. Shelter. Patience. Wonder. Play. Desire. Quiet. Listening. Curling up. Rest. Contrast. Breath.

And the superpower of This Doesn’t Have To Be Fraught Because It Can Be Playful.

Ways this might work:

I do have a slip…

And you know what else has a slip? A boat.

I’m playing with…

Talking to Incoming Me about this.

Thing 3: Everything that is not here fades away.

Here’s what I want:

While I am at the Vicarage I am not thinking about Stompopolis or Hoppy House or the playmate or [challenging thing] or [X].

I mean, it is quite likely that I will think about all these things. And maybe that will be great. Perspective! But mainly what I want is to have these things feel loved but not like something I need to focus on.

What I want is to be completely in the experience of Vicarage-me and how she is while at the Vicarage. I want to be living the essence of the Year of Emptying & Replenishing (Y.E.A.R.)! (password: compass).

The qualities inside of the want:

Presence. Commitment. Steadiness. Grounding. Alignment. Resonance. Radiance. Humming and glowing.

And the superpower of being both a light and a bell.

Ways this might work:

Silent retreat.

I’m playing with…

Silent retreat.

Noticings about the things I want this week…

Presence. It’s big. Both being present, and being present with my own presence, and being present with everything that is present. Also: presents.

All the presence/presents. May it be so.

Bonus wishes, please!

Some of these are secret agent code and some of them are things I’m silent retreat-ing on. Some are qualities that will help. And some are almost pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.

  • Presence.
  • The compass.
  • Remembering what matters.
  • Making space for all the things that need space.
  • Smiling.
  • Balance.
  • The clue that me-from-five-years-ago knew about: it has to do with an island. This is the fifth place of the five places, my love.
  • Treasure.

I’m playing with…

Putting the treat in silent retreat.

Paying attention. Getting quiet. Even quieter than that.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I’m going to take a silent retreat on this too. Will report back once I’ve returned and landed.

Playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.


10 Responses to Visions #187: I put the treat in silent retreat.

  1. VickiB says:

    Yay for noticing and permission and especially for “things that are not here fade away.”

    And: “what I want is to have these things feel loved but not like something I need to focus on.”


    Thing 1: To note all the notes.

    In January, I traveled and read and slept and spent a lot of time with MrB and experienced new things and experimented. I didn’t make many notes because I have a pattern of making notes and then ignoring them.

    This week feels like a good week to make notes about what I remember from last month. What is important and meaningful. What I learned. What I want to do more of. What I want to change.

    What I can play with:
    Brain dump.
    Look at photos.
    Talk to MrB and BB.
    Write down the noticings.

    Thing 2: Returning the returns.

    There is stuff to be returned via the post office, that has needed to be returned for weeks, and I haven ‘t done it. I want this to be the week it happens.

    What I can play with:
    Doing it secret agent style.
    Celebrate when it’s done.

    Thing 3: Silent retreat (on That One Thing).

    What I can do:
    Look for ways to do this playfully.
    Call all of Them.
    Write to Lisa M’s office.
    Contant Clark?
    The television station?
    Celebrate every step of the way.

    Qualities inside these wants: Congruence, respect, sovereignty, experimentation, recognition, celebration, support.

    I also want a thing to work out for two people I know that I’m trying to introduce (not a romantic thing). One has a need and the other seems the perfect person to help out with that need. I ask that everyone send positive energy and thoughts to this situation, that if C can truly assist P with her hard, it will work out smoothly.

    Love to everyone’s Visions.

  2. Elizabeth
    Twitter: Elizabetherself


    Perfect simple easy solution to (blergh)

    Rest, replenishment, routine

    Acceptance of where I am at the moment

    930 pm bedtime

    Sleep through the night

    Everybody else’s stuff including (blergh)’s and the television’s can go straight down the elevator shaft

    Enough energy and focus for mail, returns

    Clear new positive vision for future, maybe a whole new phase, in seedling form

    Plan for new structured healing support to sort of fall in place partially.

    Superpowers I want: acceptance, healing, miracles, ease, organization.

  3. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium

    A Thing: getting my ID fixed with ease. The card office put the wrong expiration date on it. I haven’t enjoyed my previous two interactions with them, and I’m worried they’re going to give me a hard time.

    Qualities inside of the want: expediency. competence. transcending The System. expansion (of connections and access).

    * viewing the trip as an excuse to explore the campus
    * making up stories about the staff
    * calling on persistent compassion as superpower
    * offer baked goods?

    I’ll play with: bringing crayons to the office? being sure to pack my mirror? Maybe bring the Monster Coloring Book along.

    Another Thing: to come to terms with the sense that one of my hobbies is no longer a good fit with where I’m heading. Which is tangled with not wanting to lose friendships/expertise developed over the past four years.

    Qualities inside of the want: prudence. detachment. AND attachment. compatibility.

    WTMW: Detachment Me probably has some things to say. I could listen…

    I’ll play with: simply letting things be, for the moment. This is not something that requires me to do anything.

    Noticings: the larger wants surrounding these wants, such as to feel more at home with The System. Which reminds me that I know way more than I did a year ago.

    Bonus wishes:
    * Go Niners! :-D
    * good things in the mail
    * Future Me to maintain the moat
    * going blue instead of feeling it

    Warm wishes to all y’all.
    Mechaieh recently posted… thinking of trees

  4. seagirl says:

    Warm wishes for every one.

    Ok, so last week I realized I was holding up the line. So I took 2 big steps forward in line, and there were people there to say “Yes, this is the right direction.” Then there was someone else who said “yes, this is also the right direction. Take 2 more steps forward.” I got nervous a couple of times, but then I remembered what I’m supposed to do – step forward – and I felt better.

    I want more of this. And then I want the yeses to turn into more clues, gold coins, next steps, new job! No silent retreating here! Loudly and clearly advancing!

    Bonus Wishes:
    Right ear clear please!
    Finishing the article.
    New clients.
    Better shoes for next city trip.

  5. Corie
    Twitter: coriejweaver

    This week is for gwishing!
    For taking more steps in the complicated paperwork dance
    For taking more steps in the *silent retreat* thing of great importance
    For reconnecting with a dear old friend, and still finding gentle ways to get everything that needs to get done, done – but not one thing more!
    For noticings, and signals and clues, and more steps.
    Into the pot!
    Corie recently posted… Tiny Steps: A Week of Dancing Steps

  6. Cat says:

    Big things happening for me. Moving away finally. Taking off to be homeless for a while at age 46! Get to take care of large house in Bozeman for two months and then a trip to Michigan for a month. Stuff will still be in Denver and I can re-evaluate then. So I’m feeling a little scared and groundless right now but it’s what I need –

    Thing 1 – Movement and Change

    qualities inside the want:

    freedom from the stuckness of my old apartment here and all the clutter I never got to deal with due to illnesses

    distance from old associations
    better air to breath
    smooth transition

    Thing 2 –

    Healing from my past where I am. I badly need it. So many things happened here in Denver that made me sad or hurt me emotionally and physically even.

    space and time away

    Ways this might work – just keep taking action and getting through the ebaying of things, donating, and packing. I only have 25 days or less! Lots to do.

    I’m playing with –

    distracting myself from pain as it all comes up as I’m about to leave.
    positive affirmations.
    staying consistently on task

    Thing 3 –

    Energy to figure out my best course of action – now that I won’t be encumbered and surrounded by my past as much and all the old associations.

    qualities inside the want –

    letting go
    finding out more

    Ways this might work –

    Write down all my options I can think of and keep track how I feel about them. I always have options.
    Talk to as many people as I can about where I have ideas about going and what I would see myself doing.

    Do some mental releasing exercises so I can forget my losses with the personality disordered that stressed me out so very much and broke my heart and confidence in myself.

    I’m playing with –

    listening to intuition – it is ALWAYS there and always serves me well when I do. It is a true friend.
    Going with the flow but making plans too.
    Visualizing how I see myself and what I see myself doing
    Asking for that or something much better.
    Positive affirmations.
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques

    Gwishes –

    To see and hear of more meeting people around my age and being happy.
    To start feeling the benefits of my Chinese medicine.
    To hear from my ex before I leave – an amends maybe (if it’s meant to be.)
    To get my projection screen material back easily from the person I loaned it too.
    To make new contacts in Montana before I even get there, which I kind of am already.
    To feel like my 5 years in Denver was not a complete waste. To see some proof of that this month.
    To fall in love with my life partner (I will keep wishing this until it happens.)

  7. Cat says:

    Love to everyone’s visions as well. I am inspired to take a vicarage retreat myself!

    I like how I have read about small steps forward and looking for clues and asking for miracles. Seems like we all have some things we need to just get done and go forward with!

    And I see all the self-care and tenderness. Allowing one’s self to be and to get quiet and really see.

    Some Bonus Wishes –

    That all of you and I do what we need to do aided by the superpower of ease and protection.

    To feel the love out there – anywhere it happens to be.

  8. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat

    Oh, thank you Cat, that is beautiful. I’m silent retreating on the specifics of my VPA for this week, but am gratefully grasping your Bonus Wishes like a lifeline.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Two things.

  9. I want a zilllion things, but they all are related to the same thing, so let’s boil them down to the basics.

    What I want: I want the preparations for the move to Portland to go well. (We are moving in April but I have so much stuff to sort through that I’m working on it now).

    Qualities: ease. clarity. noticing. spaciousness. love. compassion.

    Ways this might work: I can keep doing a little bit at a time, and giving myself gold stars on the calendar for the days I do the work. I might find a way to help the past-mes who are being disturbed by all this, like by talking to them or sitting. The right people might show up to buy/be-given the things I’m getting rid of so I know they’re going to good homes.

    What I’m playing with: Baby steps. Doing a little at a time. Being nice to myself.

    What I want: I want the right home to find us. (Right = enough space for both of us to work from home comfortably AND for me to have a bookbinding workshop, not too far from the Playground, in good shape, and rented out by a kind and responsive landlord/manager, cat-friendly, in a safe area, and available mid-April. And within our budget. Bonus points for a wood-burning fireplace, gorgeous Craftsman or Victorian architecture, and big yards :D ).

    Qualities: Stability. Spaciousness. Warmth. Security. Calm. Love. Peace.

    Ways this might work: We might stumble across it on Zillow/Padmapper/etc. Someone I know up in PDX might know someone who’s renting out a perfect place. Someone might read this VPA and know someone who’s renting out a perfect place. Something else I haven’t thought of.

    What I’m playing with: Being calm and not fussing too much. Trusting that the right home will find us if we keep looking. Writing love letters to the house. <3 <3 <3
    Ealasaid Haas recently posted… *crickets*

  10. Vvvvvvv says:

    Yay for treats in silent retreat.
    I am putting the posse into compose. (Ok, not perfect.)

    “To be with them. But mainly to be with myself while I notice them.”

    OMG. I am sitting on an old-timey rocking love seat on a porch, sharing popcorn with the me who is saddled with noticing (and not really enjoying this movie).

    I can’t even read the rest of this post right now because it’s probably too true for me.

    I am so ecstatic the Vicarage has internet. Much appreciation from the gloom of non-retreat.

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