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We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.


Visions #169: Swift and loving, at the same time.

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: An actual home for the Wishing Hour.

Here’s what I want:

Last week I wanted a Wishing Hour, in which to wish all the wishes.

And I wished various wishes this week, but the practice didn’t have a home. It didn’t have a time of day where it wanted to live, or walls that defined it in any way.

Partly, maybe, because I was sick. So I wasn’t doing any of the things it might normally attach to. Huh. I guess I have been thinking of its home as a lean-to.

So. I think this needs to become a morning thing or an evening thing. And if a morning thing, then waking up earlier.

Anyway, I am going to investigate this.

Ways this might work:

Tomorrow at Beach Day. I can interview Harmony to find out what she knows.

Maybe the Wishing Hour isn’t the thing at all, maybe it’s just some aspect of having dedicated time and space for being with the vision.

Oh. Of course. I just figured something out.

I’m playing with…

Being curious and playful.

Investigating what I know and what I don’t know yet.

Thing 2: Staying true to the vision.

Here’s what I want:

I just realized that the Wishing Hour needs to fit in with the vision of the Humming Castle (which I may or may not have told you about?).

And that what I really need is more time with the vision so that I can stay true to the vision. Actively.

What is needed is time to be with the vision. And then the wishing can emerge from that.

Interesting. I may not be explaining this very clearly but I am excited.

Ways this might work:

Maybe some time in the next couple weeks I will tell you guys about the vision. That would be kind of crazy. But kind of great.

Maybe Wednesday is a good day for vision days since that’s the day I talk to my mentor, and we think about the vision a lot anyway.


I’m playing with…

Napping. Getting close to the ground. Conducting! All day, every day. Remembering truth.

Thing 3: A swift loving resolution to a preposterous and tragic misunderstanding.

Here’s what I want:

Someone is having a giant misunderstanding about me right now and this misunderstanding is leading them to react with a lot of anger and hurt. And to make bizarre demands.

I want to be able to meet this person’s hurt with presence and love, without going into my stuff or into their stuff.

And I want a swift, ease-filled, loving resolution.

Ways this might work:

I don’t know.

I will do yoga on it. I will do shiva nata on it. I will work on the part of this that is my stuff.

I am asking and hoping that this person will sit with their fear and pain, and recognize the truth: that it has nothing to do with me. It is distortions and more distortions.

I am asking and hoping that this person will remember my good heart, and recognize that this is all a misunderstanding.

And I will try to stay grounded, patient, compassionate and curious, no matter how this goes.

I’m playing with…

Trust. Prayer. Whatever works.

One more thing! In my experience, things like this that feel like the-worst-thing-ever at the time that they happen generally (weirdly!) turn out to be the best thing ever in retrospect.

So, without any forced appreciation because that would be violent and self-destructive, I would like to imagine that I already know that this is the best thing ever. And then be curious about how and why.

Thing 4: Thursdays.

Here’s what I want:

So. This is hilarious. Sort of.

I have been investigating my relationship with Fridays, and letting Friday be my Puttering Day.

And it turns out (because, as Andrey says, morning begins at night, and as I say, you exit in order to enter) that the place that is stuck is Thursdays.

In order for Friday to be a puttering day, Thursday needs to be a getting-things-ready day.

This has stirred up all kinds of ludicrous but useful internal turmoil.

So. I don’t have to solve the Thursday thing. I just want to investigate: what would, ideally, happen on Thursdays (it doesn’t need to happen yet!) in order for Fridays to function the way I need them to?

Ways this might work:

My guess is this one is going to require lots and lots of monster negotiations.

I’m playing with…

Using the coloring book.

Maybe a proxy. This feels really raw for some reason. Something about my relationship with time has a lot of pain and guilt in it. So maybe there is a way I can back off and make this a little more light-hearted. I will experiment.

Thing 5: Shortening the Embarking Anthology.

Here’s what I want:

We’re about to let some more people into Stompopolis (yes, we’re very secretive!).

And there is an Embarking Anthology that people get when they come to their first Pop-in.

It needs to be shorter. By a lot.

This is the week of revisions.

I need help with this. I need it to be fun. I need steady, firm, non-shaky support.

Ways this might work:

Maybe Danielle or Marisa can sit with me while I do it.

I’m playing with…

Hmm. Maybe some secret agent code.

And taking it to a cafe.

Maybe some fractal flowers. Maybe while I’m doing one thing, this will become easier. Or maybe doing this will make everything else easier. Or both. That’s what I’d like.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Let’s see, I asked for a playful Wishing Hour, and for it not to be a chore. Still committed to that. Not a chore! And I got a lot of useful information about next steps.

And I wanted to play with Fridays, and oh boy. We have been playing. I’m learning a lot about the stuck parts, and I’m also learning a lot about what I want. Useful!

I wanted to ask: Is this indicated?

And I did. All week long.

Then I asked for recommendations for list apps, and thank you! Lots of ideas. Still testing.

And I wanted new structures for work, which sort of happened and sort of didn’t, because I was sick all week. But I played with working for fourteen minutes and then calling someone to check in, and that was fun. Will keep experimenting.

Playful playing. Shelter for the comments.

What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.

Here or on your own or in your head. It’s all fine. Or call silent retreat!

I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.

If you’re looking for suggestions or heart-sighs or anything else related to your wish, you will need to ask for that because our default mode is giving each other space and spaciousness for the process.

This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We make space for people’s wishes.

That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!

As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.


9 Responses to Visions #169: Swift and loving, at the same time.

  1. Wanted: A housemate to share a big lovely house with us on the beautifulest street in Arlington, Massachusetts (Linwood St).

    We are 1/2 block from Spy Pond and the Minuteman Trail, steps from the 77 and 79 bus lines, a 15 minute walk to Alewife (red line) and 10 minute walk to Arlington Center. The house is 2 floors with 4 bedrooms, two bathrooms, music/meditation room, screened-in porch, laundry, basement, attic, garage and driveway.

    About us:

    Lauren is an expressive arts therapist. Mid 30s. Loves to sing. Loves to swim, bike and eat well. Loves Walden Pond.

    Heidi is a massage therapist, 44. Getting braver about singing! Writes, bikes and develops crushes on poets and singer-songwriters. Loves to watch the rogue vegetables grow in the garden we have not yet planted but hope to, come springtime.

    There is no TV in our house. We like that.

    We love a sense of community. And we love to mind our own business. We think the two of those can equal a sense of home and community and belonging, with plenty of space for alone and quiet, too.

    Sometimes we eat together, but it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes we have potlucks, those are planned.

    We love vegetables. We compost. We sing in the shower.

    We like quiet after about 8 or 9 in the evening.

    About you:

    You get along with yourself, and know how to take care of yourself when you don’t. You think we’d be pretty lucky to get to live with you!

    You love open and honest communication.

    You are employed or have a steady income.

    You are responsible.

    Sorry, no pets. (Landlord’s stipulation)

    You are clean. (We love to keep the sink clear of dishes and we clean up after ourselves).

    No drugs. No smoking. None. Nada.

    You will have your own bedroom, the larger of 4 rooms. (Lauren has other large one, and Heidi has 2 smaller ones).


    $800/month rent + 1/3 utilities ($150-$200 month total)

    Lease is through June 30, 2013. (There is possibility that house will be available beyond, but as of now, we don’t know).

    Available as early as October 15 or Nov. 1

    If you are interested or know someone in the Boston area who might be, please email me: Heidi @ heidisTable dot com.

    Thank you, Havi! And, may all your wishes and gwishes come true in the best possible way.
    Heidi Fischbach recently posted… Breaking Bad: Peekaboo. A review, of sorts.

    • Havi Brooks
      Twitter: havi

      (I just want to say that I absolutely vouch for Heidi: She is a fabulous person with a beautiful heart, and I have had the joy of knowing her for years and have also played with her in person. So. Recommendation recommended.)

  2. Mechaieh
    Twitter: zirconium

    Update on last time: project D not sparkly at all. Nor colorful, even. But it’s okay, because other things that wanted my attention got it, and the parts of the week that sucked didn’t derail it.

    A Thing: more days like today

    Today has been wonderful. I want more like it. It included time with my sweetie, time on Twitter and Dreamwidth, two glasses of Bordeaux, cooking breakfast (French toast, bacon, and an Asian pear), trying a new recipe for dinner (crispy chicken), progress on housework, progress at the easel, experimenting with eyeshadow, and scritching the dog. It will include correspondence and studying and going to bed before midnight.

    * documenting the details
    * deferring both yeses and noes for a while
    * not restocking on candy or cakes (i.e., keeping system in equilibrium)
    * maintaining momentum on project S. Though that is its own thing…

    I’m playing with:
    * permission to take as much time as I need
    * permission to not follow up. It isn’t all up to me.
    * many colors of pencils and markers. Pleasure.
    * permission to be a beginner. Especially with the dang eyeshadow.

    Warm wishes to all y’all.
    Mechaieh recently posted… happy 127th birthday, Niels Bohr!

  3. Cathy
    Twitter: cathyyardley

    So, neither of my asks for last week happened, really. Although I think I didn’t do enough of my commitments to make them happen, which I’m trying not to beat myself up for. So I’m re-asking for #1 (no more bronchitis or whatever the hell this cough is) and… now that I think about it, I started to do the second one, the Soft work, and hit a snag. So that’s interesting.

    I would like to get a bunch of little hanging stuff done, so I have more breathing room. It’s funny, the chest/cold stuff is about lack of breathing, shortness of breath, and accompanying panic. Maybe related? I have been getting a lot of “rest” and “burnout” clews…

    Hmmm. Okay, VPA: I would like to choose resting and replenishment. I’d like to trust that it’ll work out if I don’t go manic and try to push productivity. Things in that area.

    Ways this could work: I could look at what I’d like to get done this week/month, and see where I can deliberately make room to breathe. I could do things that are only for self-care. I could take time to nap.

    My commitment: to go back to the doctor and to go to bed early tonight, and this week.

    Happy week, peeps. :)
    Cathy recently posted… Promotion & Permaculture

  4. elizabeth
    Twitter: Elizabetherself


    I don’t live in Boston but if I did I would want to move in! Sounds great :)

    VPA: I had great results from my VPAs last week, so that is really lovely. Thanks VPA elves or fairies or whatever is going on here.

    Also, after a big push that ended Wednesday, I didn’t push anymore. I rested & rested and things feel like they are budging, things like stubborn insomnia, so that is excellent. I can see my downtime after this Thang is done and I am excited about not having a deadline/dread hanging over me, and about how I can structure my time really well, to really support me and make things stronger/glowier. I feel free and I feel like I know what to do with my freedom.

    Also: the next Thang started coming and it is totally big and weird. WEIRD! I never would have thought. Pages and pages showed tonight so I just sort of translated them onto the paper like a court stenographer (which is a lot better than editing!)

    My VPA for this week:

    1. Do some shiva nata on “aspire” and then do the things involved with this and end it already

    2. Tuesday is magical Pennsylvania documents day, where everything falls into place and everybody is nice to me and it is all easy and there are only 5-10 minute waits in the various lovely, lovely warm and beneficent government offices I need to visit

    3. The guest is lovely, and it makes everything easier somehow

    4. I would like magical time containers for editing and for it to be basically finished by Friday.

    5. I would like the little condiment bits to appear magically like a sundae bar right in front of me and for these to be done also by the weekend

    6. I would like to make bedtime earlier by 15 minutes every night this week, happily.

    7. I would like a stronger sense of “how many fates turn around in the overtime” this week, what that looks like and how I can grow to help it and handle it

    good happy week to the visions and their visioneers xo

  5. VickiB says:

    @ Heidi: I want days like that too! Wishing you many of them.

    Last week:

    I wanted to let go of some projects and TTDs, and that is happening. It feels good.

    I wanted to accept and process feedback and to build on what I had done. The first part, accepting and processing, is happening, but I don’t yet know what I will do to build on it. That continues to be an ask.

    I wanted the Boomerang Boy to settle into his new place and for me to let go of the responsibilities I have had for him. That is happening — both his settling in and my letting go.

    I wanted to sign up for some workshops and I haven’t done that yet. I am going to ask that again.

    This week:

    Thing 1: Buttoning things up.

    I want to do more getting ready for winter. I need someone to help/do some of the work, and the person who has helped before may be available, so I will call him. I will also see if my nephew might be able to help.

    A few years ago, the power went out for several days after a freezing rain. We have a fireplace but most of our wood had gotten wet and frozen. I keep having a “feeling” – maybe an intuition? – that we are going to need to do the same thing this winter. I want the wood stacked where it will be more sheltered and keep dry even if it is less convenient. I also want them to recaulk some of the windows.

    I can call them and arrange for them to come and do this work.
    If they are not available, someone I know might know someone.

    Thing 2: New recliners

    MrB needs a new recliner for his den and I want him to have one for the bedroom too. He needs a certain kind.

    We have not been able to go out to look for them.

    Maybe we don’t have to? The Butler said that he knows someone who has one just like the one MrB has, but it is still like new. Maybe she would sell it. Maybe we could get the one in the den redone?

    Or MrB could have a burst of energy at a time when I’m available to shop and we could find the perfect chair at the perfect price.

    Or some other perfect simple solution to the need could appear.

    Thing 3: To be less law-abiding.

    The Law of Horizontal Surfaces is one I want to follow less closely.

    My dining room furniture and my bed attract immense amounts of stuff that is awaiting action. Piles of aardvarks, these turn out to be, with some iguanas buried in them.

    I can clear them, using a timer, with tea and cookies afterward. But the real challenge is to keep new piles from appearing.

    What if I made table-clearing part of my evening ritual, before bed? Or what if I did that at the beginning of the day? Oh, bed-clearing pretty much has to happen in the evening, but I could make it more of a ritual by not just moving things temporarily but actually dealing with them before I get into bed.

    And table-clearing could be a good way to enter into the day’s activities because one of the things that gets piled in the dining room is anything related to what I’m planning to do the next day.

    So I will play with that and see what happens.

    Thing 4: Record-carrying

    This is important but annoying.

    Last week when MrB was in the ER, they kept asking if we had the very kind of information and lists that they have in the past said they didn’t need because it was in the computer: medications, surgery history, diagnoses. I think we need to start carrying that with us again.

    MrB has that on his iPad.

    I want to figure out an easy way to have it with me, available and up-to-date, in a non-digital form.

    I can print out his records and put them in the pocket of my calendar. I can hole punch them and put them in my Vade Mecum. I can put a set in the glove box of both vehicles along with the gait belts and other emergency supplies.

    Having the records is easy. Keeping it up to date will take attention.

    For some reason I keep thinking of handwriting it into a smallish spiral notebook, along with my personal notes from his doctor appointments. Call it “Research for the Book of Him.”

    Thinking hard and sending good wishes to everyone’s visions.

  6. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat

    I’m just feeling sad tonight, and also a little bit scared. I want to feel happy, hopeful, and confident again.

    Ways this could work:
    –Well, for one thing, there’s going to have to be a lot more sleep than I got last night. A lot more.
    –Play. Play, play, play. Experimenting, exploring, and not falling into the trap of believing (why on earth?) that I need to start feeling better before I can play.
    –Which bring us to this: allow myself to feel the way I feel, without allowing the feeling to derail me completely. I can feel this way, and be kind to myself and take care of myself, and still keep gently moving forward. Even if I wait for the next wave, I can still play in the sand while I’m waiting.

    I’m playing with: a treehouse. I will build myself the most beautiful imaginary treehouse, in a redwood tree, within walking distance of the ocean. This will be my place of safety, beauty, and strength. Safe and warm in my treehouse-lighthouse, I will shine my beacon.
    Kathleen Avins recently posted… Summer’s end.

  7. Judy says:

    Amnesty- calling it – it’s Wednesday.

    Want #1 (not a prioritized list)
    So I’m interested in what happens if I let this ongoing want go…Because, what I want more, is a smoother transition between owning this house and not owning it anymore.

    How? This want needs more exploring.
    So I will: Let this new thought percolate, do yoga with it and Focus with it too. I’m going to keep it company until I can learn more about what it wants.

    Want #2

    A great long, fluzzy, comfy, stylish sweater that is not expensive.

    How? Someone could show me one, or be wearing one I can ask about. I could go shopping (ew), look on Etsy,look in magazines.

    So I will: Keep my eyes open, keep picturing it.

    Want #3

    Finish this proposal for a class series I’m calling LIPS,
    LIstening ParentS, with ease and efficiency. It’s due today.

    How? Finish writing the VPAs and get to it :) Do yoga first, do Shive Nata first, write a little and take some breaks.

    So I will: Give myself permission to flow through this.

    @ Heidi, wishing you luck on housemate. Sounds like a wonderful place to live.

    Judy just posted: The Problem With “Why?”Or, Try a Little Tenderness

  8. seagirl says:

    @Heidi, that sounds so wonderful. I used to live in Arlington, on Bacon Street!

    I had to go back aways to see what I was wishing for. Can’t say there have been huge strides.

    Although, perhaps the message (I wanted to get messages) this week was “stay at home, stay close to home.” Because I was stricken a bit with weird vision in one eye which puts your world off kilter and makes napping with the cat and reading with one eye closed seem like the best thing to do for days at a time.

    Perhaps the message is also “see what is in front of you.” Which I actually think happened at work, and made me take some steps.

    Tomorrow I will take some more steps.

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