very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 353rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

unexpected side effects

suddenly out of nowhere at the age of 39 I have allergies
sneezing my face off, eyes watering and red
I had to ask people what makes it stop
and it turns out that fexofenadine packs a punch (for me)
I have thick intense dreams
and slowly come to each morning with a phrase in my mouth
it circulates through my entire body, pulsing,
pausing in my mouth
cycling through again until I am awake enough
to write it down

hmmm phrase doesn’t seem strong enough
an instruction? a request?
or a wish in the form of a witchy incantation
it has an insistence to it
tugging at me until it has my full attention

trust, love

this morning it was follow the sweetness
yesterday was get wild and clear
the day before, the first day, was the most bewildering:

trust love: it’s time to trust love

it is time to trust love
the more time I give this
the less I understand it
sometimes words become a wave crashing through me
washing away what is and was and could be
I watch the water and I am the water and
I do not understand anything about anything

though/and/also that’s how wisdom works
it empties you to fill you:
the knowledge of emptiness and the experience of being emptied
out into an emptiness so empty only receptivity remains

some questions

I am asking myself
what does it mean to trust love
why do I not trust love
what would it be like to trust love
who is the me who trusts love
what changes when I know how to trust love
what happened to me that I do not trust love

hmmm let us ask some new questions
because these are tinged with sadness
and calcified stories about people who
[loved me and then stopped loving me]
and I can feel how much the monsters like these questions

let’s channel my friend A’s awe-inspiring ability to
move from pain into
love more and trust more
let’s approach from a different corner

chance

Richard Powers, the most inspiring dance instructor I know,
says dance is about welcoming chance intrusions
therefore dance training is developing the skills that allow you to
welcome chance intrusions
you planned for X but then you get Y
a good dancer thinks, oh wow this is cool
this is not the same as being able to handle an unanticipated challenge
nope, this is the advanced practice: welcoming it
receptivity / breath / presence / curiosity / a smile

he talked about his teachers
and I expected him to name all the dance greats
but he said “anyone who is alive, and receptive to life,
and appreciative, this person becomes a teacher for me”
this is how I feel exactly

life and aliveness
come in
let’s play
I want to be here now, saying yes to this moment
and if it’s one of the hard moments
(and god knows there’s no shortage of those)
to meet it and myself with love
with acknowledgment and legitimacy, patience and presence
wholeheartedly whole whole whole heart

welcoming

if I can welcome life, I can learn to trust life
not to trust life to not-screw-with-me, because oh it will
that’s just the way of things
but to trust that I can navigate
what comes or doesn’t come
I can take care of myself to the best of my abilities
pick myself up and kiss my bruises
pat my tears dry
find something loving and reassuring to say to me-who-fell
if I can trust life, surely I can learn to trust love

okay what do I know about love

it lives in me
a quality of source
therefore: I can access it through any other quality
for example, I might not feel confident about love in this moment
but I know about comforting small scared me
and love and comfort share the same DNA,
so I can access one through the other

sometimes I can forget truth:
any person who is currently a delivery mechanism for love into my life
is not the source of love
just a mailbox
if I lose this particular access point, there will be other access points
other drop boxes, as many as needed, internal and external
love will come in
because love is
I can breathe love in and out
it is never gone

forgetting and remembering

I can forget that love is available to me
but that does not make it any less available
eventually my storms will calm, my breath will quiet
my attention will turn inward
the dust will settle
a light will come on in my heart
or really it will be revealed that the light
was there all along
and I will glow with love
in my thank-you heart

interior design

so, a funny thing
I often joke that I’m an interior designer
very, very, very interior
exploring the territories deep inside myself
finding abandoned places and opening the windows
letting the light in,
refurbishing as needed, and mostly
listening to what those spaces want to reveal or become
and — this is the part I find funny —
right now I am in the process of figuring out
where and how I will live IN REAL LIFE
trying to imagine/invent/uncover the design elements
of Havi-space

so my life right now is interior design coupled with, yes, interior design

welcoming, again

I keep thinking about Rumi and that beautiful imagery of the guest house
his wish-vision that we open our doors to the emotion of the moment
in order to let it come in and be what it is:

“Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.”

welcome chance intrusions, the unexpected moment, says Richard
welcome visitors of feelings, the intense ones too, says Rumi

say hello, get curious, be there for this encounter:
oh wow, fear, what do you need, can I make you some tea?
what is here for me
what treasures are in this

(obviously, always always always Safety First)

there is no self-fluency without the concept of Safety First
we play and live by Safety First
so if that means you have to ask fear to
go hang out in its safe house while you hang out in yours
that works, that’s a good plan,
and of course you get to set the ground rules,
for example, you can request that fear only communicate with you
through an interpreter (wisest you, perhaps) or a negotiator
that’s absolutely fair

welcoming doesn’t mean relinquishing boundaries
or your ability to care for yourself
we have to be able to welcome ourselves first
this is important

we can live by Safety First and still maintain the mindset of welcoming

kicking is the opposite of welcoming

it is so common in this “self-improvement”-obsessed internet world of ours
to encounter people pushing their latest five-step-method for
kicking fear to the curb and giving fear the boot and all related forms of
conquering/taming/vanquishing/banishing/mastering
none of these things are required
they are in fact the opposite of welcoming, the last thing that fear needs,

and not that effective in the long term
because the more barriers you build to keep fear out
the harder it will work to get your attention

hearth

but when you ask fear what it wants
and make it a strawberry smoothie,
listen to its stories, ask questions,
offer it a blanket when it gets cold
then it will trust you
and curl up and sleep by the fire
and one day you will know your fear so well
that there isn’t anything scary about it anymore,
when it shows up, blanket in hand,
you’ll just say, aw honey what can I for do you to make things better?
your approach of welcoming has become the automatic response
you take care of both fear and scared you at the same time
smoothies and blankets for everyone!

see, that’s love

I do know about love
and I do know about trusting love
in that sense

I know about the process of
welcoming the lost and hurting parts of me
the uncomfortable sensations
tucking them in instead of kicking them out
releasing what is not mine, with love
cherishing the space inside of me
and making it welcoming for me to experience what I’m experiencing

what is my wish this week

it is to trust love
but there is so much more to that
this is a wish about meeting myself with such kindness
in my grief and sorrow and anguish
in the most awkward and embarrassing moments
in rage and in paralyzing fear
to let love wash through me
and say, yes, I am a real live human being
with real uncomfortable emotions which sometimes scare me
and nothing is wrong

I scribbled notes during two days of training with Richard Powers
most of them make no sense now so I just have to trust
that it is all inside of me
and will reconfigure into dance wisdom that lives in my body
in the right timing
but the last page says
SHOW UP FOR LIFE, FOR DANCE, FOR JOY

this is my wish this week
this is how I want to practice trusting love

may it be so!

now

today I was going to buy a ticket to phoenix
to see someone I love
and now I am not
(time to trust love)

I kiss the palms of my hands and press them to my cheeks
letting my fingertips brush across my forehead
(time to trust love)

peeling a grapefruit with my fingers
I pause to inhale the scent of its skin
remembering the beautiful year I spent working in the orchards
those trees are gone forever
(time to trust love)

there’s no time like the present, as the saying goes,
and this is suddenly hilarious
because literally There. Is. No. Time. Like the present…
and no time other than the present
that’s all there is
it is the right time because it is the only time and all time all at once
there is only this so
it’s time to trust love

the superpower of beautifully supported

months-April-VPA-2016
ah here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and oh how I need this superpower of
Beautifully Supported
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called something entirely new
it was a raw and vulnerable wish, and I felt so understood and appreciated
thank you everyone for sharing it with me
here’s to the incoming/ongoing superpowers of
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
letting the new come in

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes