gems of

I couldn’t get out of bed because it was all extremely
overwhelming: too much too much too much
and then on top of that
feeling how the wild full moon is
calling me back
that is: to my mission of being wild under the stars
out in the magnificent places
but also I am craving refuge
and I just lost mine

is that true? what is also true

blessings of

this is the year of triumph and here I am deep in the part where
you keep getting the opposite of your wish,
full moon anguish combined with approximately thirty seven thousand monsters
all whispering about how I
can’t get out of bed triumphantly
(or at all!), then reached for my phone and typed
“feeling so fucking bleak”
and it autocorrected to blessed

why not both

tumult

oh right this year is messy and tumultuous
both in worlds internal and outside,
and losing a refuge
— and really, even the perception of refuge,
even the perception of loss —
the combinations of these is tumultuous too,
that alarming rug-pulled-out-from-under sensation
and oh wow how familiar and ancient it feels,
the oldest story, so comfortable in its discomfort,
resonating all the way down, bone-deep,
even though it is not entirely true

whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

thelma & louise

I am thinking a lot about thelma and louise,
why is choosing (or even desiring) independence and joy
something women are consistently punished for,
even when it is celebrated, it is also punished,
and what does it mean to be turning forty one,
living this life solitudinal,
on my own terms and also
in my own margins,
what does it mean to say yes I will
I will I will I will
I will breathe through and pursue
freedom & pleasure,
what does it mean to stay true to my wild and
fiercely independent self
and still have love, community, a place to land

again, whether I trust the ground or not,
it is there
it just is

and so we breathe

a breath for acknowledgment & legitimacy,
yes, the hard things are hard,
the scary things are scary,
this year is fucking tumultuous as fuck, this is true,
it’s okay to experience this experience, hello feelings I don’t like,
we breathe down-and-in
we breathe sweet-and-through
we breathe peace-peace-peace
we breathe permission to not like any of this

circulating awareness, this is its own superpower

transpiring

a favorite yoga teacher asked us this in class

“do you know what is transpiring in your heart?
it doesn’t have to be good, but do you know?”

I breathed many breaths for
this beautiful question,
my beautiful heart,
and my heart wish for
triumphant solutions born of self-love and
wild self-treasuring

how do I wildly love and tend to my loving wild self

through

a favorite secret agent reminded me to look to the Latin,
of course, yes, trans is through
and spirare is breathe,
what is breathing its way through my heart,
what is being breathed through,
how am I breathing through, breathing my way through,
how am I allowing myself to be (just be) in a state of
breathed-through, how do I gently and lovingly
support the transitions,
this process of through

through breathing! through-breathing!

through, again

I texted my other favorite yoga person and said
run away with me to the coast
we will be thelma & louise

I said do you have the sensation that time is
whooshing into a vortex and there are no more choices
or no more good choices (perception, of course)
and do you just want to go
and let the ocean tell us what is next

she said hooray let’s go! fuck this stupid shit!
because this is what friends are for

she told me she once met the woman who wrote thelma & louise,
and guess what there’s an alternative ending where you see them
driving around at the bottom of the canyon
yes, how about that

so there / talk about a cliffhanger / superpower of surprise happy endings

through, again

yes, this is a very vulnerable tumultuous time
full of upheaval and so much newness,
let’s keep acknowledging that because
acknowledgment & legitimacy is what softens the hard,
and these transitions stretch us,
it feels easier sometimes to seek distraction,
to disconnect or disassociate,
when what I really want is to connect more,
to myself, my grounded ground, my beautiful desires,
even the ones that scare me

love more trust more, right?

refuge zones

I had a refuge then I lost it
haha how do you lose something so substantial,
and then so many questions emerge from this,
is it even my job to put in the hours desperately attempting to save the refuge
or is this the time to lose the refuge and save the wildlife,
haha, I am living the wild life,
or, another question:

what if a new refuge exists that I haven’t met yet?

either way, it is time to raise the sails (and funds)
to save what needs saving and let go of what is leaving

may I find the peace and clarity to discern between these

stories within the story

So very tired of the story of
[I lost my refuge / lost my center]
what is a better story?

If we get to tell any story we like,
what’s a good one,
a useful story or a joyful story,
where is the treasure,
can I feel what is
transpiring in my heart,
what is reflecting and reflected there?

gems reflect light, and so do gems of wisdom and experience

gems of

clarity
knowing
presence
prowess
grace and crown on (regal as fuck!)

breathe + glow

clarity

so much loss in these past weeks
though also this past year,
and by loss I do not only mean the people who are not anymore,
or in some cases not in my life anymore,
but more like oh wow how deeply shaken I am
from this other loss, the loss of the ability to trust,
and it is not lost on me that these
painful, bitter-and-bewildering exits
share some common ground:

I noticed the red flags: hey that’s a red flag, let’s keep an eye on that!
while also telling myself YEAH DON’T WORRY PROBABLY THIS WILL BE OKAY,
and then was very surprised when of course it wasn’t

whether I receive and process the intel or not, it is there for me

glow

Show me the glow that will come from
making sacred space to contain
these huge feelings, this wild intensity

I forgot to trust my own instincts, I let things
slip past my boundaries until
they weren’t glowing their glow,
and neither was I,
but here I am now, ready,
recommitted to consciously returning to glow-state,
a rededication of my internal and external space

show me the glow that comes from this moment now

intuition

And hey, maybe one of the jewels of the month of jewels is
the realization that this temporary loss of boundaries is okay,
the experience is useful,
part of the tuition in the school of intuition
and boundaries and glowing,
this is my training in being my most powerful panther-self,
present and grounded, fierce and striking,
wild and alive

aha, this is my wish, I found it!

training

You lose your balance to find your balance,
you let something be lost to find it new,
change your place to change your luck,
breathe, love the breath, love with breath,
ring more bells

this is wild self-treasuring

spark

I arrived at the ballroom at 2am
a seattle dance friend ran up as I put on my dance shoes (delight!)
he said, do you know, I was terrified of you when we initially met,
you have some sort of silent power that can rip apart mere mortals
at the wink of an eye, I hope you’re okay being super intimidating

You know what?
I am
I really am
or at least: I am now

and maybe that is another jewel of the month of jewels

maybe that’s it

Maybe triumph is about reaching that point of
yes I am intimidating and fine with that / yes these are my fiery boundaries,
maybe triumphant is about sometimes a refuge is yes
and sometimes it is no
and sometimes you ride off into the sunset
but not over the cliff
and you trust that the next refuge will be revealed

you live the wildest wild life
and then you don’t need to save the wild life
because you are in it

let’s breathe superpowers for the month of jewels

  • A breath for ease and easing
  • MY GLOW IS PALPABLE & FIERY!
  • Alternate Endings
  • A breath for the bridge of Freedom & Pleasure, and (re)dedicating my life to Freedom & Pleasure
  • A breath for And Something Even Better
  • A breath for the perfect simple solution I don’t even know about yet
  • A new kind of exit strategy
  • The jewels revealed at the beach, in the light, by the bridge
  • I am the fiery one / what are the gifts of forty one
  • A breath for A Routine I Sit / A Rose I Intuit (and other wondrous anagrams for I Raise Tuition)
  • I Can Try On Any Identity For An Hour and see what changes in my approach
  • What if there is treasure in the not-knowing too…
heart-glow + hearth-glow

refuge, again

I missed yoga through a combination of traffic and migraine
and probably some other factors related to too-much-city-time,
which is how I wound up at an entirely different studio,
in a class which turned out to be on the theme of REFUGE ZONES,
how we can create them in our day, and why these are so vital,
the door into compassion (both towards ourselves and others)
is giving ourselves enough respite
to even access it

how fortuitous that everything went wrong in the
exact right way so I could receive this beautiful clue, and
make space for both the refuge and the wanting

flashes

It keeps occurring to me, in small flashes,
flashes which I invariably ignore like the red flags,
that everything influences consciousness,
and better boundaries includes having a more conscious relationship with
the space around me in addition to the space inside of me

aka what is transpiring in my heart

a beautiful rewriting

This morning I finally took a black Sharpie and covered up
the logo on my yoga mat, I dislike all logos of course,
but also the company is owned by someone I know via [person who betrayed me],
which means each time I enter the refuge zone of my physical practice,
I am in some way reminded of that painful experience
how was this person who loved me wholeheartedly able to turn on me,
all that loss, the unkindness, the not-truth, it has a resonance still

anyway, now my mat features a compass where the logo used to be,
and everything is better

may I create enough safety for myself to connect to the gems,
to breathe my own light inside of these painful experiences

what is needed/invited for this month of jewels?

+ excitement for secret missions of Harmony & Congruence!
+ leveling up to entirely new levels of TFB (Total Fucking Badass)
+ so much more time in the sun and the light
+ new rituals of exit and goodbyes*
+ new forms of fuel
+ really good naps
+ back to the water
+ jet black everything
+ a spark of what might be next and as much joy as I can stand

* A loving goodbye to the refuge that was, and to the vision of that space as MY refuge!
And an extremely fiery Good Riddance to all the boundary-crossers, the mysterious disappearers, the migraine-inducers, the encroachers, the ones who want to know why my no is my no: I will not explain my to someone who has never once respected it anyway

What do I know about jewels?

I am one,
oh, and words can be jewels too,
and there is a jewel-like sanctuary in my heart,
where I can breathe light

Droplets of water on lush green spring plants
are jewel-like, I wish to return to the magnificent places
inside myself and outdoors,
let us breathe our way back to yes,
to quiet trust in the heart-jewels
inside this always-refuge of jewel-heart

Oh wow what beautiful wishes, may it be so, or something even better!

Announcement!

GUESS WHAT MY LOVES, I had a birthday (!) and decided to do a celebratory birthday sale/sail, which I have never done before in thirteen years of online business, and I have extended it because last week got eaten by bears and with the disappearing refuge situation, so maybe this at least ends up being good luck for you?

Here are all the details , just click on this for the SAIL OF 41!

We are raising tuition and raising intuition, and raising sails. And I hope you get to join us if it is the right time.

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice, this too is part of the life of Crown On.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.