very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 352nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

such an interesting and incomplete question

as you may already know
I’m getting ready to close the fluent self shop
where we have various useful products available
for people who want to go deeper into this work of self-fluency
in addition to reading and playing with the vast library of posts

and I know a number of people have been wondering
why I’d do this
why remove income streams or potential income streams
why remove ways for people to do the work
is all that not in fact the opposite of what you want

answers

hmm okay there is a short answer to this question
but it is incomplete
there is an even shorter — the shortest! — answer
the answer of Well That’s What Is Indicated
aka I have to follow my yes even when
I don’t fully understand it

but that’s not much of an explanation
and still only a partial story
I can give longer answers
which go more into the complexities
but what I want in this moment goes beyond answers
what I want is to share with you
something sweet deep and intimate
something from the place where answers
come from

real

I am thinking about these different answers
and their relationship to each other
I am thinking about honesty and raw vulnerability
and how deeply I crave these in life
and in love
I want this to be how I am with myself
how I am with you
I want to be as real and present as possible with you

so I will share all versions of the answer
and maybe in between the words
something beautiful and true can be revealed

and so, even before I am entirely sure what this week’s wish is, I see my truth-wish is about trust

trust (more)

so far this year has been one ongoing exercise in trust
in love-more-trust-more
there is a big deep wild trust that is so beyond
anything I know
I’m not there yet
but I can feel it asking me to come in

and maybe part of trusting is knowing that
reasons don’t matter

and, at the same time,
I want this real vulnerable truth-moment with you,
to share my trust-process, trust it will be received with love
so I will share all the reasons
maybe some will make more sense than others
maybe taken together they will form a picture
and you will say yes, oh of course, that makes sense,
I see what you’re getting at with this new way

this new trust

where to begin

let’s start with one of the reasons and
name them until they have all been heard
roll call in the sisterhood of reasons
reasons of head, heart, internal knowing
present, present, present
breathing presence

it’s time

it’s time because
when I get quiet enough
to be a conduit for my own wise knowing
the voice says now

and it’s time in a different way

some of these products are eight or nine years old
I still stand by the material completely
there is nothing else like it
and it works
and the practice of self-fluency just is,
so I wouldn’t change the content

but so many other things have changed over the years:
my voice, how I articulate things,
and, maybe most important,
my disinclination, no, what is a stronger word for this,
the way I do not agree to present in any way as an authority or expert
because I have seen how this reinforces the rigged game
and keeps people from trusting their own wise expertise
from remembering, as each of us needs to, each day:
“oh yes of course I am the expert when it comes to me
because no one else knows as much about being me as I do!”

I may one day repurpose the material from some of these products, or maybe I won’t, but either way, this is the time to let them retire because even though the CONTENT is so good, the FORM no longer feels yes

something else about that

there was a time several years ago
when having products was in fact an income stream
(for me, at least, probably not for most people)
but that’s long since not the case
and anyway here’s what I’ve learned from running a shop:
for the most part, if you want people to get your stuff, you also need
to give them a very immediate reason,
so the whole point of having products available gets lost…

the whole point being this:
whenever people want to dive deeper into
the work of self-fluency, they can, in that moment,
without my help,
and this supports both my ability and my motivation/desire
to show up and share process and wisdom twice a week or more
balancing out the uncompensated labor
a lovely philosophy if only it worked in practice

in that sense the shop also enables the rigged game

because it implies that this is a viable sustainable way
to run a business, which it isn’t…
sure just take 6-8 months of unpaid time to
create something fantastic
and then who knows maybe once in a while someone will purchase it
if you remind people enough times that it exists
and this is just the way of the world

well, okay that might be the way of the world but
that’s a stupid way of the world

and I don’t want to even accidentally be giving this community the message
that they should imitate something I’m doing that isn’t actually effective
I don’t want to contribute to that
I want, as you know, a new currency, one based in appreciation
and whether that beautiful quiet revolution happens in my time or not,
I am no longer willing to unintentionally be a part of the
collective misleading that says
oh you just need to make products
and get better at marketing
there is a lot more I could say about this but let’s get back to
now being the right time for this change

timing

so we have the reasons of knowing
the reasons of heart
the reasons of practical business stuff
and the reasons of ideology
(I want a business that challenges the rigging of the rigged game,
not one that supports it)
the reason of It Is Indicated and I am pretty intensely committed
to trusting that

but there’s also a reason that is very raw and vulnerable for me
which is that I need a new home

I need a new home

as I am moving out of mine of the past seven years
and require a new arrangement —
to paraphrase something my father said
“leaving the place that is your beloved home
is somewhere between challenging and traumatic
and also very expensive”
I have been learning how true this is

so I am combining two things
a) closing the shop because its time is done
and the wise inner voice that whispers “now” has spoken,
with b) raising funds because now is the time for that

a story about that!

it has taken me some time (ha, understatement)
to trust the voice that says NOW
but here is my favorite instance of this

I was walking down the street and suddenly Incoming Me said
“hey, text so-and-so about Thing X, do it now
and I thought, “okay but I’m walking down the street,
how about we wait until we reach the corner at least”,
and Incoming Me said, “are you listening? now!
so I stopped in my tracks

in that very moment
a bird deposited an absolutely enormous amount of droppings
exactly where my head would have been
had I taken two more steps forward
I laughed
and Incoming Me said “okay finally we’re getting better at this”

all is well

I mean, either way, in all ways, all is well
if I am the recipient of a massive load of birdshit
all is still well
and also if closing the shop does not in fact
support me in my need for a new home, then all is still well
because I am following my yes and
trusting my yes
being honest, vulnerable, real, alive
to the best of my ability in the moment
that is how I want to live
regardless of “consequences”, related or not
I want to trust in all is well
in my ability to play, laugh, listen, pause-and-wait when that is indicated,
(it so often is)
and then move forward when I feel that whispered now
be fully engaged in this thing that is life-and-aliveness
for its own sake
undoing rigging and saying yes to my yes

may it be so!

what happens now?

the shop is closing APRIL 8 at MIDNIGHT pacific time
so if you desire
a) truly great material to work/play with
b) to express appreciation for the amazing thing that is this space, the people here, the accumulated wisdom here, the practices, the work, the insights and epiphanies that spark here and keep on sparking…
c) to be a part of what we do here
d) to support my move to a new home
e) any or all of the above…
go to the shop which is now the Door of Releasing
and choose some treasures before they are gone

now

just signed a lease with the new tenants
who will be moving into my house come May
how is that for an act of beautiful trust
sitting in my quiet empty kitchen
so grateful for these seven years and five months
of big joy
and for this space online,
did you know that it was my VERY FIRST WISH published here
that brought me and this house to each other?
what treasure, all of it
may I remember this feeling of yes, even inside of the big unknown,
there is still big knowing for me…

knowing that I am so fortunate
to have loved (and been loved by) this home
so much sweetness, so much joy
and now it is time to trust
— big new wild trust! —
that there is more joy for me
in a new location
waiting for me to say yes

the superpower of beautifully supported

months-April-VPA-2016
here we are in April, the month of ROOTS
and I am laughing a little
because the superpower of Beautifully Supported
is both what I need most right now
and also what I feel most right now
these calendars!
it is uncanny how what I need in a given moment
is exactly what past-me invoked for exactly right now

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called finding the ease/Es
oh I am in awe of this wish
I’d honestly thought while writing it that ease was so far away
and yet this might be the fastest-acting wish/shift of all time
because this past week was suddenly out of nowhere
so remarkably full of ease and Es
— like excitement and energized!
and oh I love how the superpowers of the past few wishes
I Hear My Yes and listening with love
brought me to this moment right now

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes