very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 369th week of wishing, come play!

chorus

I am changing the echoing
chorus in my mind from
regret regret regret regret
to learned something useful / new level of the video game
and, yes, hello new level of the video game
this is new

spins

I used to not like spins and turns and swingouts in dance
because they made me dizzy
and then I didn’t like because I felt scared or
maybe intimidated, not even sure why,
and then they didn’t scare me at all
I just didn’t like spinning
and now I do like spinning as well as practicing
I can even do some without falling on my face
and also when I fall on my face, I no longer grimace

but I still get frustrated with all the bits
that aren’t working, yet at least, and
there is something in here about
remembering that the Slow Motion Montage
is, in its nature,
something that takes place over time
gradual but also inexorable
it will get better

also sometimes it will appear to get worse before it gets better and that’s okay

that is a good reminder for me

it’s something Esther Gokhale says a lot
you don’t learn something and keep getting better at it
you learn-and-forget, learn-and-forget, learn-and-forget
each time convinced you’ve lost it completely
but then the re-learning and re-remembering
gets better and easier
until eventually the new way lives in your body
and even if for a moment you forget,
you no longer freak out in the moment of recognizing the forgetting,
just like I no longer make the face when I fall

except when I do, but that is my point

what do I wish for this week and beyond?

peacefulness
quiet
stars and moon
connected in/with nature
immersion in water
freedom of movement
recognizing where I have options I didn’t see before
intimacy with muse
being okay with the dark and the
big wild unknown

and of course better spins
metaphorically and at the studio
a steadiness and new trust

hmmm tell me more about peacefulness

when I say peacefulness what kind of peacefulness
is this peacefulness

that is the clean language version of what I want to ask
I am not sure how I feel about that name
but sometimes, often, I like to ask questions and skip stones this way

peaceful for me =
internal + external
both the state of mind and also
the conditions that allow for the state of mind
and also
the insistence on getting these

I have not been very Crown On about this
and am just now noticing to what extent I have
neglected to insist on the conditions that support my
peacefulness

who is the me who is very clear about peacefulness

ah, Stella under the stars of course
Stella who is a star
Stella who learns about stars
Stella who navigates by the stars
and who knows how to become a star

I had a dream the other night
my mother was still alive
and I had just learned that she had been a hollywood star
once upon a time
(in the world of dreams)
and I asked her if you can forget how to be a star
once you have been a star
but she said oh of course not
once a star always a star
you won’t forget it

and then she hugged me and I woke up

the mother I have in my dreams is
not that much like the mother I had in life
but they are both very intense

what are the superpowers of Stella Under The Stars

  • Insisting On Supportive Conditions and Environments
  • Being completely unapologetic about Taking Up Space
  • Resentment levels: ZERO
    (maybe because she is so clear and committed regarding the above?)
  • attuned to her wild witchy self
  • shoots rainbows from her fingertips, no big deal
  • always Congruencing, and effortlessly
  • immerses in states of quiet
  • releases the past, while receiving the treasure from having gone through it
  • knows her limitations but respects them so much that she doesn’t see them as limitations, but rather uniquenesses (is that a word?)
  • loves the dark
  • goes dark both strategically and as a way of being in the world
  • has astounding equilibrium
  • can respond to X with love but also does not agree to X in her space
  • lives by Do Less, Choose Ease, Savor This Moment
  • is a cat, a panther, a pole dancer, and all kinds of trouble
  • follows the stars, of course, and trusts in her star-state of being
  • knows how to appreciate and celebrate her progress and achievements (this is the superpower that seems the most impossible and remote for me, even harder than shooting rainbows from fingertips)

eleven

my business, in the form of this website, is eleven years old this month
is that not amazing
and I will be forty this year
a few years ago I made a promise about
[a thing that would happen] at forty or by forty
this week the Bridge of Pleasure & Freedom reminded me
of that love-infused commitment, and said
you have to do this now
and you have to trust that it is right

it is a little bit scary, like spinning,
and I am asking for ease
and patience

a question

what is needed
what does it feel like to be someone who celebrates
myself and what I have made-and-done-and-been-and-become
as easily as I can for the people I love
where is the bridge

and a blessing

judaism has a blessing for just about everything and
this week I have been calling on a blessing
that I made up but maybe I didn’t
it is something like

thank you for this opportunity to
say no to something that is
such a clear no

next level of the video game is here
appreciating the beacons of no

what do I know about my wishes?

I am here
I am here
I am here
right now in this moment
echoing and reverberating
and if I can take one thing from these past eleven years here
I would like it to be the ability to trust
that yes, this presence is enough

may it be so!

now

97 degrees fahrenheit (36 celsius) tomorrow in Portland
and I am escaping, again, to the coast
to be in the sweet fog
and then in the darkness and the water
letting go of whatever needs letting go of
because I can feel
what wants to come in
under the stars

the superpower of deep listening

months-August-VPA-2016

last month was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and that is exactly what I am doing

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called prowess

and this wish is/was treasure, it is bringing me not only more balance and grace (internal and external) but much more calm when I am out of balance and grace, and it is also helping me figure out how I can be a beacon and an activist while also maintaining the quiet I need to function…..

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes