very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal!

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

Here we are. Week 319 of wishing. Welcome. Let’s do this. ♡

Round House.

I want to live in a round house.

What’s a round house?

When I was nineteen, I was in Wisconsin, and a series of complicated coincidences and connections resulted in a certain lovely Sunday adventure: I ended up taking several elementary school kids on a field trip to a one room round house on a small farm outside of Madison.

A family lived in this house, I can’t remember if one kid or two. The father and I had friends in common in Israel.

They had built the house themselves. One round room. Divided up with curtains.

They sold produce from the farm at the local farmers market.

The house was beautiful, simple, welcoming, comforting, reassuring, playful, alive.

It felt like being in a completely magical space, filled with love.

How do I feel thinking about this?

Wistful. Happy. Full-heart.

What else do I remember about this?

On the way back, in the car, he gestured around us, at the cars heading into the city, and he said:

“We live in BOXES, we don’t even question it, we just go from box to box, in our cages.”

Anything else about this?

I remember thinking that I wanted to live this round house life, but also that I couldn’t live without privacy, that a curtain would never be enough.

But now I could live like this. I mean, I just spent four months on the road in a tiny camper, and it wasn’t even round.

Back then I didn’t know anyone I trusted enough to share space with like that. And anyway, I didn’t feel at home in myself, how could I feel at home in an open circle?

Asking again. What’s a round house?

I love rounded edges.

I love cozy spaces that have roundness.

Like this bus conversion, except a space that is for me, not for me and four kids.

Say more about roundness please….

The first time I walked into the space that was to become the Playground, my center, I saw the impossibly high coved ceilings, the smooth rounding from wall to ceiling, and my whole body said yes.

The Playground was rectangular, but it felt round.

What’s a round house?

When I was in my first yoga teacher training many years ago, we used to do these ridiculously long sessions, maybe four hours of practice including meditation. You’d just conk out at the end, completely empty.

One day I had a vision.

I was in a round room with eight windows that were actually doors to the outside.

There was a yoga mat facing each one. It was a practice space for me. Not a teaching space, not me and students. This was a space for just-me. So why eight mats.

I went closer and they weren’t mats, they were colorful painted rectangles on the floor. Like placeholders.

I did a sun salutation on each one, lazily circling the room like a compass.

Years later, in the playground, when I developed dances of rotating spirals, using all directions of the compass, combining these with sun salutations, this all started to make more sense.

What’s a round house?

When my hypnotist leads me to go deep inside of myself, deep into unexplored places, we begin at a [certain place] and from there a staircase, and from there a door, and from there a room, and from there: all the most marvelous internal adventures.

Entering the room is my favorite part, and it is always different but it is also always the same.

It is either round or heart-shaped, with french doors that open onto a small quiet enclosed garden.

A round house, just for me.

It is the cockpit of my mind, it is the sweet center of my heart, it is the secret sanctuary of deep woman-space, it is each cell in my body. Zoom in, zoom out. I am made of safe rooms, I am made of round houses.

What’s a round house?

My center was very successful and I opened a second, much larger one, and it Flailed Spectacularly and died, there was a two year period when all the barns burned….

We had giant round yoga mats there, like physical representations of force fields.

Richard painted them with the directions so that it was like sitting inside a compass. He attached little plastic sleeves so you could slip new qualities into each direction, surrounding yourself with qualities.

A circle isn’t really a home, but actually everything is a home for something.

What’s a round house?

Back in Wisconsin.

I just remembered that my friend Graham lived in a building called Round House apartments, at least, I think that was what it was called, it was a round tower.

It seems impossible to me now that I did not pick up on the very obvious double clue of that round house combined with my visit to the round house that spoke to me, but back then I was in far too much pain for clues to land.

Anyway, it was a round house and it was named Round House, and Graham and I watched Harold & Maude together, every Saturday afternoon. Our weekly ritual.

Coffee with Dave, followed by a walk, and then Harold & Maude, in the Round House.

Harold: Maude.
Maude: Hmm?
Harold: Do you pray?
Maude: Pray? No. I communicate.
Harold: With God?
Maude: With *life*.

What else about this?

Maude’s house was a Pullman railroad car!!!!!!

Maude’s house was full of round shapes and curves.

Maude’s house was not a place for children, though it was a place for childlike delight and full-body-joy.

Maude’s house was a place for her to rejoice in vital aliveness and be her most sparkling, effervescent, fully-present Maude-self.

Maude’s house is no more. Everything ends, right?

What’s a round house?

A roundhouse is a type of kick.

What’s a round house?

A roundhouse is where the trains turn around.

What do I know about round houses?

Well, when I was young, I wanted to grow up to be an interior designer.

Still do, except now the spaces I transform are very, very interior. Deep inside of me.

Or when it comes to external spaces, I fill them with qualities and beautiful things and clues, to support other people in figuring out their own internal spaces.

I had a favorite design book, and a favorite page: a round room with a round stone staircase.

What belongs in my round house?

One room. Bathtub. Toilet and sink behind a curtain.

A cozy window seat/writing nook. And a big bed, possibly in a loft.

A small open kitchenette.

Spaciousness.

Oh, and there is a labyrinth behind my round house, made of pebbles. I walk it each day and say thank you.

What is good about a round house?

It encompasses you. It is an actual compass all around you.

It is contained spaciousness and spacious containment.

It is sanctuary that is expansive.

It forces you to re-orient yourself.

What is challenging about a round house?

Well, exactly. You have to re-orient yourself.

What happens to me when I am in a round house?

I am filled with joy and vital aliveness. I am my full Havi-self.

What kind of round house is this round house?

I am not sure.

I have big joy sparks about earthships, yurts, geodesic domes.

Mandalas, kaleidoscopes, compasses.

And boats, of course.

Anything else about a round house?

I really like spaces where you can feel the shape of them.

Like Deb and Mark’s cottage. Or the one room cabin in northern Israel that was surrounded by a garden of lavender.

Or the Playground, which always felt like a boat to me.

My uncle Svevo’s cabin in the woods that he built and lived in for many years is also round.

Round feels very important to me right now.

Oh, and this is not round, but a spark about how a sukkah is a shelter, like a blanket fort, a safe container.

And a round house is another way to be inside of a Canopy of Peace.

What do I want to remember about this?

A round house feels vitally important as a clue and as a direction and as a desire.

I want to live inside of a compass, I want a force field around my force field, I want to be inside of an intentional shape, I want the that holy holiness feeling, like being inside of the sound of om.

That all sounds very intense and kind of nuts but that is how I am feeling about Round House right now.

I am softening into roundness, and this is good.

Invitation.

You are invited to share many !!!!!! about my wishes and realizations here, to share anything sparked for you while reading, to say “oh wow, what beautiful wishes” to me and to each other, to wish your own wishes.

I will also take all forms of EXCITEMENT and GLADNESS for this particular wish, and also clues if you have any, or good wishes if you don’t!

Now.

I changed the polish color on my toenails because DRASTIC was starting to feel a little “be careful what you wish for”, what with all the upheaval and crumbling foundations.

This new color is Ocean Treasure, it is green-blue and sparkles and is completely unlike something I would choose, and every time I look down at my feet I feel this frisson, and think WHOA THESE FEET BELONG TO ME, which is kind of perfect.

What does Slightly Future Me have to say?

Ze: Isn’t it marvelous that Operation Bolthole suddenly fell through? And so thoroughly that it was almost suspicious? You were directing all that effort into creating a space for you that isn’t what you actually want. The space you want is round.
Me: Hmmmmm. It’s a lot of upheaval, but I guess you’re right. It would feel pretty frustrating to build a space only to realize it isn’t my true yes. But isn’t this all very chaotic and impossible?
Ze: Stay with your desires, and let them show you what they want to show you. All will be revealed. Now you know what your yes is, and you can feel how it is different from a sort-of yes. This is important. And whether you find your way to an actual round house or create one for you in your heart for now, at least you know.

Clues.

Whoa. I looked up the origin of yurts as a name, and read that it is related to homeland.

HOME LAND.

Home + Land.

Landing in a home.

This all feels important right now.

As does the phrase living lightly on the land.

The superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

August - Trust MoreJune was RELEASE MORE, with the superpower of I am stronger than I think, and July was LOVE MORE, because this is a badass way to live.

Now we are in TRUST MORE, with the superpower of Wildly Confident, Wonderfully Tranquil.

I had half-written wishes again this week, and again, for reasons unknown to me, I didn’t want to publish them, and then the Round House came to me, so I am trusting that.

So here is another opportunity to Trust More (there certainly doesn’t seem to be a shortage of these, thank you abundance and plenty?), and I am going to let this be a fractal flower for a bunch of other situations.

Things I find helpful for intentions and wishes…

Nap, dance, write, play, labyrinths. Get quiet. Sweet pauses, yes to red lights and purple pills, thank you to the broken pots. Costume changes. Skip stones. Body first. Thank you in advance. Eight breaths in eight directions:

Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week aka A new foundation..

Can we just have a good belly laugh about this?

Guess what I stumbled upon while flipping through a book looking for something else?

“Your life is a house. Abundance is the roof. The foundation that holds it all up is daily practice.”

And daily practice had been the wish I’d been writing but wasn’t ready to publish, and then this wish about a round home showed up.

So I have my new foundation. And I have my new home, at least in wish form. And now I am going to let the edges of everything round and just see what happens.

Thank you, process of writing about wishes. Thank you, me who asked.

Ongoing Wishes. Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, no big deal. I claim my superpowers. Love more. Trust more. Release more. Receive more.

Keep me company! Or just say hi!

You can deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads, superpowers, qualities, seeds, secret agent code, whatever you’d like, there’s no right way! Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is sharing anything sparked for you.

Comment culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.

xox