Have you ever noticed how when you lose something you’ve written, it just happens to be the one piece that is completely brilliant?
Because pretty much the only time I’m absolutely positive that what I’ve written is full of sparkly bits of genius is when I don’t have a shot in hell of getting it back.
All this to say that — despite my obsessive file-saving and mad backing-up tendencies — my beautiful blog post has disappeared forever.
So we’re talking about something else today. Apparently. Hi.
What would a pirate queen do?
Remember when I said I needed to take some of my stucknesses to Carolyn?
I explained the problem.
Basically, my stucknesses are of the opinion that I am not allowed to be beautiful or do anything that might draw attention to myself because people will hate me and be jealous.
And Carolyn, who is very wise, asked, “What about the pirate queen? Is she not allowed to be beautiful or draw attention to herself?”
Which made me laugh.
Remembering that you’re a pirate queen is hard work.
I haven’t been a pirate queen for all that long. It’s a pretty recent development.
So yeah, sometimes I forget.
Here’s what our conversation sounded like:
Carolyn: So … the Pirate Queen is allowed to be beautiful, right?
Me: Pffft. Hell, yeah. She’s totally hot. It’s like, practically a requirement.
Carolyn: That’s what I thought. So … what are the qualities of pirate beauty?
Me: Strong. Powerful. Glowy. Vivacious. Determined. Unique. Surprising.
Carolyn: And what does the Pirate Queen think about other people being jealous or hating her because of these qualities?
Me: Why would she care about that?
Carolyn: raises eyebrow
Me: She doesn’t even notice that sort of thing. It has nothing to do with her. It’s their stuff. It’s their responsibility. They can have it.
Carolyn: They can have it.
Carolyn: And what are the good things that come from having pirate beauty?
Me: I don’t know.
So I did a little wacky meditation on it.
Carolyn suggested that I sit with the phrase “My pirate beauty attracts all the right things”.
I didn’t feel comfortable with the wording, but I could imagine eventually wanting to feel comfortable with it. And so I went with it.
And here’s what happened.
I’m standing on the shore, squinting at the ship in the sun. The pirate queen is standing at the bow looking gorgeous and fierce and kind all at once.
She’s cupping her hands to her mouth so she can shout at me and she’s shouting that I should hurry up and join her.
But I can’t.
I want to retreat into the trees behind me. But I also don’t want her to leave me.
So I climb up onto a rock and determine to study the Pirate Queen. To learn what it is that makes her so confident about her pirate ways. And to find out, as Carolyn suggested, what good things come from pirate beauty.
And the strangest thing happened.
Watching the pirate queen, I realized that I was expecting that she’d attract a lot of pain and crap that she would then powerfully deflect.
That people would hate her and harass her, but that she’d be tough enough to not care.
But that’s not what happened.
Instead, it was as if dangerous things didn’t even come near her. Because they couldn’t.
What happened was that the people who were drawn to her were intrigued by her way of being. They became fiercely loyal to her vision. They became protectors and defenders of all that was related to her.
And she just kept on doing her confident, beautiful, creative thing in the middle of that love and protection.
Even better than that, other people came to watch her do it. And you could see how it inspired them to go off and do their own thing. How her quiet power gave them permission to have power too.
It was seriously cool.
And then I was on the ship.
The pirate queen and I were standing arm and arm, watching.
Watching the gap between us and the shore widen and widen until there was nothing to see but a great expanse of blue.