Sometimes I just walk around sparking tiny whispered hellos to everything.
Hello, tree. Hello, red rug for yoga. Hello, palm of my hand. Here is a sloppy hello-kiss for you.
But here is a hurting shard of heart-truth: I am not doing great with goodbyes right now. Not now.
Exiting, yes. I like exits as much as entry. Consciously exiting is a thing I care about. It’s just…
Oh, this hurts. I cannot bear to have goodbye be the opposite of hello anymore, I can’t have it as the closing bracket. I have been through too many painful goodbyes this year and my heart cannot contain even one more. No to goodbyes.
No to goodbyes. And yes to marking exits.
With a new name and a new form.
So this will be a passage and a crossing. A shelter for leaving.
Wishes of faring well. Like in the sea shanties. Fare thee well. Thrive, my love, thrive. Thrive while I cannot be with you.
Yes. Like that. Bittersweet, maybe. But not loss. Hope-filled and love-filled.
Okay, July. Let us look at you and remember. Show me what I need to take with me for this passage through you and into August.
July, sweet July. Things I loved about July.
Sparks across the miles, carried by moths.
The 10 27s and the evening ritual and the morning ritual and writing thousands of words.
Things under things. Lace. Hope.
Living out the love letter to June that spilled out of me, letting July be the fruition of that.
The 37 second video made just for me of bridge, field and the smallest hello.
Realizations. Epiphanies. The word “unlock”. Potential to kinetic.
Heart opening and opening and opening. Tingle-joy-heart.
Discovering new things about heart. For the first time in all my years of yoga understanding why people think backbends are exhilarating instead of awful and sometimes terrifying.
Plantings for the bells. Two different secret beach days.
And, of course, Rally (Rally!). It was Rally #22, and it was outrageously amazing, and I loved every minute of it, and I cannot believe how great Rally is.
And July was playdates and discovery and new words and ALL THE WORDS, and a just-right playmate that I can have the words with. Which is somehow magically easing and erasing lots of pain.
Things that were hard in July.
Loss. Loss loss loss loss loss.
Three of the most important relationships in my life crumbled and died. Or reconfigured, fine. But they are gone.
Well. One crumbled in March. And one crumbled two years ago and ended in May, but this was the month of feeling the pain of knowing: over. Done.
And then all the beautiful rituals that I love and loved so much that died and cannot come back, because they involve people who are no longer in my life.
And the place that I love most, the place that I love more than anywhere else aside from my fruit trees, who are also gone, more loss …
I might lose that place too.
This July was about meeting hard painful truths and not liking them and accepting them anyway. It was about re-learning the difference between detachment and numb.
It was about coming to terms with the truth that what I need is within me, but that to see the reflections of source, I have to remember how to hold and be and know. To be source and resource and reflection at the same time.
And there were terrifying panicky moments when I not only forgot that, but I forgot everything that I know about why things are okay and why they will be better.
All the points! I win at July. Because…
I am awarding ridiculous amounts of sparklepoints to myself right now. Because I can.
- Healing pellet-pattern. That’s something I’ve been working on for years and this month it faded like it never has before. An old neural pathway of addiction: it is gone.
- Courage. I was brave about conversations. I was brave about the sad goodbyes. As much as I could. This is new.
- Using the tools.
- Taking it to my body, with yoga and shiva nata and dance.
- Walking the beach.
- Ringing the bells.
- Going to the (royal!) court to initiate the secret coronation.
- Finding the words.
- The sparkly redesign of the shiva nata website! Finally.
- The beautiful Stompopolis website! Double finally.
- Asking for help.
- Smiling through the tears.
And slow internal-burning yoga on the beach, listening to the sand. It had a lot to say.
Things I want to remember and take with me from July.
Knowing what is important.
Breathing into my heart of tingle-joy and my heart of releasing.
How July will help me passage.
I am entering August with much less weight. All those tears that have been released.
I am entering August with infinitely more information about what I want, what I need, what I stand for, what I care about, what I will not put up with, what I am currently receptive to.
I am taking the elements and essence from everything that has crumbled. Keeping the parts about sweetness, desire, presence, wonder. Letting everything non-essential scatter.
I am going into August with the strengths of the version of me who was able to handle everything July handed me.
With curiosity, receptivity and hidden strength.
The soundtrack of July.
July came in with this track, on repeat on repeat on repeat.
Shawn always knows what needs to be listened to.
July came in with the field of all the fields. Possibility and anticipation.
But then that changed.
And now July is winding its way out with this on repeat instead: Hope. Grace. Comfort.
Whitney reminded me about this song.
Stepping into the conduit.
I am taking everything I need with me.
I am releasing all the things that are done.
Fare thee well, July. Be a passage of love.
Play with me if you like.
If there is anything you want to say or remember about July, this is a secret fountain where you can whisper those things.
Or take a silent retreat. Or leave a flower or a stone.
Everyone has stuff. We’re all figuring it out. We don’t give advice or tell people how they should feel. We make room for people.
And! This is a place for safe adventuring. We approach with as much curiosity as we can muster, and a sort of loving non-dogmatic reverence.
*blows a kiss to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and anyone who made it through July*