Last month I was able to exit the month by passaging out of it. No goodbyes. Just sweet farewells.
So let’s try that again.
A loving look back at everything August turned out to be , so that I can enter September with a full heart.
Okay, August. Let us look at you and remember. Show me what I am done with and what I need to take with me. What I get to take with me.
August, oh August. Things I loved about August.
August was a month of neverending playdates. August was new forms of play and new configurations. August was coming home to understanding that I am someone who knows how to play .
August was sun.
Even more than that, August was me not hating the sun. Not getting triggered by the heat. Not hiding from it and not resenting it.
I got a tan. An actual tan. For the first time in years. I went to the beach every week and stared at the water for hours at a time.
Marisa was here, briefly, and we played and were in love with being together, and hopeful about all the hopeful things.
I worked through many, many layers of the unbelievable pain and grief of this past year. For the first time since oh, March, I wasn’t in the pain or as close to it, at least not to the same degree. More perspective, fewer tears.
Many fun people showed up in my life in August. Like Matt. And Jenny.
August was love. August was exploration and sweet meandering. August was receiving and giving and finding out what it’s like to be like this or to be like that. August was improvisation.
Things that were hard in August.
The awful piece of news that shook me and rattled me and undid all sorts of things.
(If you are feeling worried, please know this: I am healthy. I am safe. I am just really, really, really not liking this piece of news and still very much reeling from it.)
This piece of news reminded me of THEN, and brought up all kinds of THEN, and I have been wading through layers of THEN in my search to return to remembering why now is not then.
There are other things but that eclipsed them all.
Also I miss someone and I am tired of missing them.
But mainly just the fear and pain that came with this piece of news, and trying to figure out how I am going to react to it.
All the points! I win at August. Because…
I am awarding ridiculous amounts of sparklepoints. To myself! Because I can.
- Going to bed early.
- Being with my body. Dance class every day. Yoga every day. Body body body. .
- Asking for help, as much as I could. Which was not very much because I am not good at this. But still. Asking. Some..
- Going back to the garden.
- New steps for Havi of the bells.
- Hanging in there.
- Saying what I want. Even when it’s terrifying.
- Using old skills from a long time ago that I didn’t want to ever use again. They still work, though. And I used them when I needed to.
- Spending lots of time in Stompopolis and in my Hypothalamus.
- Finding the good.
- Staying true to the bigger vision.
- Not over-working.
- Finishing Plum Duff! It’s actually ready! This is a very big deal.
Things I want to remember and take with me from August.
Trust. Pleasure. Love. Delight. Wonder. Curiosity. Possibility. Comfort. Reassurance. Shelter. Faith — in the impossible and the unlikely.
Knowing that the bridges are inside of me.
Knowing that the thing I was most afraid of is not as bad as I’d thought it would be, and that I am tougher than I was when it happened THEN. Now is not then, now is not then, now is not then. This challenging month gets to be proof of that.
How August will help me passage.
I am entering September with focus and intention. With a readiness that comes from having been through the narrow places.
I am entering September with willingness.
I am keeping the strength and the flexibility, and letting whatever is done be done.
I am going into September with new strengths. With a steadiness and with a stronger flame. I believe this.
Next time there are lessons to learn, I’d rather not learn them like this. But strength: it’s here.
Stepping into the conduit.
I am taking everything I need with me.
I am releasing all the things that are done.
Fare thee well, August. Be a passage of love.
Play with me if you like.
If there is anything you want to say or remember about August, this is a secret fountain where you can whisper those things.
Or take a silent retreat. Or leave a flower or a stone.
We all have our stuff. We’re all figuring out our stuff. We make room for people by committing to not giving advice or telling people how they should feel.
This is a place for safe adventuring. We approach it with as much curiosity as we can muster, and a sort of loving non-dogmatic reverence.
*blows a kiss to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers, and anyone who made it through August*