very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 363rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

what do I need right now

each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now

the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition

breath

that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath

superpower

and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath

(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)

okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me

something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons

of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating

okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath

what supports breath

what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in

also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow

intake (of breath)

the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment

what else do I know about choosing breath

I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there

too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand

what do I want with [breath]

I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness

I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there

I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them

a thank you breath for the treasure of that memory

slow time

all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath

what else about more breath

question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!

except I am pretty sure I don’t know how to do that so maybe this is my wish?

who knows how to do this?

Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs

Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about

alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness

another question

is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not

is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming

spark/dark

last week I wrote:

I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom

and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once

there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light

and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence

(I love them both)

spark/dark

I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang

Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection

yes

Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time

Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should

two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath

what do I know about my wish?

more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness

simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow

for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up

may it be so!

now

for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here

at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

months-June-VPA-2016
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom

this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes