What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

 

more breath / more light

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 363rd consecutive week of wishing, come play!

what do I need right now

each day I pick a card from the deck of stone skipping cards
and somehow the same card always finds me
what do I need right now

the answer, surprisingly, has been the same too
this is unusual, both the answer and its repetition

breath

that’s the need that wants to be expressed
more breath deeper breath more conscious breath
breathe more
breaths of appreciation and going deep into my
thank you heart with breath

superpower

and maybe now that I think about, maybe
this is related to adrianna’s superpower of
luxuriating in taking time through luxuriating in luxuriating
maybe she knows how to
luxuriate in breath
luxuriate with-and-through breath

(maybe breath is her door to luxuriating)
(maybe luxuriating is her door to this kind of breath)

okay so I want breath, wonderful, what is here for me

something I have learned about wishes is this:
it is up to me to accept them as a gift
just as it is up to me to release them like red balloons

of course I can think “well, this is a weird wish that makes no sense
I don’t have trouble breathing,
I’m probably avoiding a real wish”
and so on, maybe with some monster-ing about
why can’t I wish less mysterious wishes
and maybe put this time towards processing something more “useful”
but in my experience, the best thing I can do for any wish
is to welcome it — oh wow what a beautiful wish
to receive it, to assume it is both treasure chest and treasure
and make room for it,
trusting that it will show me
[whatever it wants to show me]
whether over time or through the
love-imbued process of investigating

okay, so I want breath, what a lovely thing to want
what do I know about breath
what supports breath

what supports breath

what is the most supportive environment for my breath
by the water of course
breath and water go together
so do beauty and breath
like the gasp of pleasure
that turns to slow deep inhalation and release
when I walk down the hill in astoria
and glimpse the wonder of it
breath-taking
but also breath-giving
river-into-ocean
beauty is like, hey babe breathe me in

also being in a state of….
perceiving my beauty? perceiving that I am beautiful
embodying my glow

intake (of breath)

the other day I tried on clothes in a shop
which I never do
and the woman working there had to leave
she left a note for me with her friend
it said you are so beautiful
and my response to that was this breath of
oh wow let me take that in
let me breathe this moment

what else do I know about choosing breath

I need to be out of the city
portland hasn’t been yes for a long time
it has a lot of maybe in it
but maybe-yeses are all beacons of no
it isn’t 120% yes
and I think, often, that one of the reasons is
because it is hard (for me) to breathe there

too much noise, and I mean the energy kind as well as the actual kind
too much smoke too, in the same way
too many things that invite me to constrict and contract
instead of reveal and expand

what do I want with [breath]

I want to breathe the way I did in the orchards
and climbed orange trees for a living
inhaling life
and sharp tangy sweet aliveness

I want to breathe the way I did at the Vicarage
never in a hurry
plenty of time
“how many miles do you walk each day?” they asked
but I didn’t know how to answer
at the vicarage I walk until I am done walking
I do everything that way there

I want to breathe the way I did when my life was yoga training
the way I breathe with Bryan
or to breathe as I did that long afternoon in Berlin of
two hundred and sixteen slow sweet sun salutations
with [former-mentor — let’s have a breath of whoosh goodbye for that]
each sun salutation was eight breaths which makes 1728 breaths and
yes I remember all of them

a thank you breath for the treasure of that memory

slow time

all those beautiful times when my whole life was
devoted to being present with breath
where the breath slowed and slowed and slowed
until there was nothing but breath

what else about more breath

question: what else about more breath
answer: more light
question: what is more light
answer: more time, more expansiveness, more glow, more sparkle, solstice, do-overs, traveling light, traveling with lightness, being a light delivery system (“we deliver!”)
question: what would be more light
answer: ah, taking things lightly!

except I am pretty sure I don’t know how to do that so maybe this is my wish?

who knows how to do this?

Svevo is the only person I know who takes things lightly,
though Svevo also travels with three suitcases for the weekend,
his lightness is not related to luggage, though maybe
his lightness is related to knowing he has what he needs

Svevo has a double superpower that I want
the arborist has it too and so does
Adrianna the eccentric wandering Italian heiress
who is me but I am not yet her
it is the superpower of I have plenty of time because there is plenty of time
combined with I have no worries because there is nothing to worry about

alright let’s breathe this in
we already have a clue from last week: no is a beacon!
no lights the way to lightness

another question

is this wish about breath and light a proxy for something else
that I am not ready to let myself know I desire
probably
I mean, wishes usually are
the mind is wise that way
and wishes are also fractal flowers for all the other wishes I am wishing
whether I know what they are yet or not

is there anything I want to reveal now
about other meanings behind this wish for breath and light
ah of course
this is a wish about passage and becoming

spark/dark

last week I wrote:

I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom

and this is so amazing because it fits perfectly with the
two different versions of Incoming Me
that are both here at once

there is Z aka Zik/Zeke whose name, in hebrew, means spark
Z is all about wildness and wilderness, quiet and boundaries,
writing and righting, echoing and reverberating
striding fearlessly into the light

and there is Adrianna Moretti, whose name, coincidentally
means dark dark
she is unapologetically glamorous, believes strongly in decadence
and is never in a hurry
she prefers dimly lit bars, red lipstick, wine, ambiguity,
and unanticipated magnificence

(I love them both)

spark/dark

I love them both but now I am laughing because they are
so obviously (how did I not see this)
almost archetypal in their embodiment of yin/yang

Z has little patience with things being gendered and refuses
on principle to self-define
but I think of Z as the part of me who identifies with masculine
which is a moving target of a definition
and maybe more of a sensory perception
Z wears flannel shirts and is wildly sexy and completely gender-ambiguous
able to present in a way I can’t, because genetics gave me
an over-the-top Jessica Rabbit container
that I haven’t figured out how to be at home in
but Adrianna delights in it, flaunts it, wears it to perfection

yes

Adrianna is the dark and the moon and the tides and the pull
the long slow kiss
and the moment before the moment before
and then sleeping in, surrounded by cushions
Adrianna is devoted to being,
letting things be revealed in their own time

Z is the spark and the flash and the sun
powerful knowing and doing
Z makes things happen
just by deciding they should

two wild adventurers
two parts of this wish
like the inhale and exhale of more breath

what do I know about my wish?

more light and more breath
once in tel aviv I studied yoga with a favorite teacher
who was very Zik-like
she mostly had us rest in various positions and breathe
move the tiniest bit and breathe
she would say breathe in sparkliness

simmering in shimmering glittering breath
yes it is time for more of this, time to
fill up and spill over with this glimmer spark glow

for a long time I have been wishing wishes about
not dimming my spark for anyone
but the truth is, I have been spark-dimming
agreeing to glow at maybe only 35 percent
it is time to light things up

may it be so!

now

for the past exactly-seven days I have been trying each day
to make it to Astoria
and each day something happens or doesn’t
and it’s like the movie Groundhog Day
Agent Spalding asked, “Is Astoria in some kind of spatial vortex?”
which is hilarious because enter the vortex is both
the theme of Astoria and literally the wifi password at the bar where I am writing this
because yes today I finally made it here
by a thread
arriving with sunset
into the magical light that lives only here
there is so much more light in the light here

at my former retreat center we had a stone
an actual stone
called the vortex stone
(named for this place in astoria)
and you placed it on a tray to say I am here
a form of conscious entry
with a breath
of course

the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me

months-June-VPA-2016
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence

June is WONDER which is so very exactly where I’m at right now with awe and breath and light and transition, and yes please to the next indicated step is revealed to me, this is right

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called what if I can revel in this freedom

this was so perfect because this wish was how I learned that no was a beacon, and my week was SO VERY FULL OF NO that I probably would have been miserable without this new ability to follow the beacons and revel in my newfound freedom

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

19 Responses to more breath / more light

  1. Kathleen Jowitt
    Twitter: KathleenJowitt
    says:

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    This is a safe place. This is the only place on the internet I’m going today. Thank you, Havi and all, for making it safe.

    Today I seem to be wishing something about going really deep inside, about being very here, very now.

    I can see the disappointment, the sense of winning a battle and losing a war, and not being quite happy with that metaphor.

    I can see the long view, that things don’t get better and better all the time, that perhaps every generation has to go through the End Times and this is mine (and pray it doesn’t get any worse), that it will probably work itself out in the end (but what if it doesn’t?).

    I wish for very sharp focus, to be in the present, to be in reality, to take proper care of myself.

    Standing wishes:
    – to be a saint
    – to be someone who really appreciates food
    Kathleen Jowitt recently posted… Antoinette before Bertha

    • seagirl says:

      The view helps me, too. And thinking about how people felt during the Revolutionary War, and the Civil War. They must have thought those were end times.

  2. Magic says:

    I feel like I’m in a toy chest or something, and all the people and things around me are in this toy chest too–but someone large just picked up the toy chest and we all slid to one end, piled up in a jumble, with things and thoughts and feelings and relationships everywhere.

    We’ve stopped moving for several seconds, but I still don’t know if our toy chest has been put down or not. In the seconds’ silence though, I find myself with flashbacks, though remind myself that this quite a normal response given the Jolt of the Toy chest, and somehow, with music and sweet scapery on my phone, I’m able to settle.

    Yet I can’t for the life of me think of what to wish for. But it makes me think of one of my work passwords which includes something that essentially stands for “Things Fall Into Place”. I suspect this is what I’m needing. A major reshuffle was likely needed, but god it’s a mess now and I think many of us are badly needing things to fall into place in just the most beautifully right ways.

    Much breath and lightness and gentleness to all. Mmm, I DO wish for many to breathe lightness and gentleness toward me…

  3. Leni says:

    Wild Wonder! Such love for this!

    Today’s Op: Into The Woods!

    Conscious entry: Got new tires for the car (not a metaphor). Made many lists. Piles of things in the living room to pack.

    Past Me: For over 2 years I have worked with Pan, have made him an altar space, have fed him, sung the Hymn, planted a hops vine (at his request). His message in all this: the liberation of the human spirit. We have so many models of males doing this, but we need more models of women doing this, especially women past mothering. I have put the work in, I am asking for some rewards

    Qualities/SuperPowers: Safety First! This is working out perfectly, past-me is a genius. Comfort and Ease. beauty and Pleasure. I am a Priestess. Pleasure and play are healing. We have everything we need. Gentleness and beauty.

    As my Beloved told me: You don’t have to pin your hopes on [X], because even if you don’t get [X] you’ll get something better. Even if you don’t get what you wanted, you’ll get something mo’ betta.

  4. Karensu Light_of_Summer
    Twitter: light_of_summer
    says:

    What beautiful, beautiful wishes!

    Thank you, Havi, for being here and exploring so beautifully!

    I breathe in.

    I breathe out.

    I wonder how *I* might explore my way so as to navigate my life more lightly?

    Especially certain upcoming activities related to my surroundings: how might those activities feel like a delightful, satisfying game?

    Aha, it might help to be entertaining thoughts along the lines of “what treasures might I find, here?” and “what gloriously free opportunities do I have, right now, in choices related to this item?” and “what is my Yes?”

    Below is a link to a photo I took last month, of a very serene male deer who was able to restfully do his own thing only 20 feet or so from where human people were walking back and forth on a popular park path. May calm and serenity fill me! And anyone else who welcomes these qualities!
    Karensu Light_of_Summer recently posted… Backdated: Portrait of a Young Buck

  5. Kathleen Avins
    Twitter: spiralsongkat
    says:

    Mmmmmm. Yes. Breathing.

    I want to throw a few things into the pot today:

    –peace
    –clarity
    –safety
    –energy
    –power
    –light
    –vibrance
    –kindness

    Also, I want to remember the ways in which I *am* the pot. <3

  6. Pqw-orange
    Twitter: fiadhiglas
    says:

    As I first read that your wish was breath, my own breathing s-l-o-w-e-d w-a-y d-o-w-n.

    SO MUCH… delight… and recognition as I read.

    “River-into-ocean”, for me, immediately calls to mind “estuary”. Chesapeake Bay, the 1st estuary I have lived nearby, is often in my thoughts.

    No matter what one’s body looks like, one can claim gender fluidity, or being (at least partly) nonbinary gendered. I know several very voluptuous female-appearing people who are nonbinary. {I’m nonbinary myself, but tall and flat-chested, and people have been calling me “sir” for 30 years. I’m recently exploring my masculine aspects more deliberately.}

    Despite being a mystic and a poet, this post is beyond my skills at words to describe how wonderful it is. Thank you for these wishes!
    Pqw-orange recently posted… who’s got your back?

  7. seagirl says:

    Light and air – I would like both.

    A strange day. There is a client who is sad and angry and scared and wishes she could yell at her mother who died and left a giant mess, but her mother is dead so she yells at me, the lawyer, via email. And I know it isn’t about me, and I remember that not everything requires a response. She cannot find the light or the air. A breath for her.

    I do not know the last time I placed a VPA, so I will start anew.

    What Do I Want?

    Space from this feeling in my belly that is caused by too much input.

    Light shined on to things at the office, things that should be moved along.

    Space that is filled with lovely people.

    Light that shines through trees up mountains and off the ocean.

    Space that is filled with very few people.

    Light and space in my heart that is feeling compressed.

  8. G says:

    my wish is for SPACE

    MAY THERE ALWAYS BE MORE

Leave a reply

CommentLuv badge