(0) beginnings and opposites

I am thinking about [things],
and noticing my strong reluctance to share any of them,
whether here and with you or at all,
reluctance is an understatement,
I want more than anything to turtle and hide,
to run and not look back,
and so I am going to breathe love and
DO THE OPPOSITE

let’s be here now
let’s be here, now

(0, again) entry into entry

The intentional practice of
Oh Hey What If We Do The Opposite is
one way — not the only way, just a good way —
to interrupt a pattern, which is what we do here,
or at least a big part of we do,
so let’s honor the spirit of lovingly interrupting
these old and spiraling patterns

(0.5) words about words

I want to find where courage lives in me and share with you
some bits and pieces of what is
currently weighing on my mind*

[CURRENT] is a big word right now, as is [WEIGHS],
there might be an entire novel’s worth of information
to explore and unpack in just these two words alone,
but for now it is hard enough to
to sit here with you, breathe, share,
let’s begin where we can

yes this is important: we begin where we can

(1) ballast

I am thinking about the word BALLAST
aka anything we might let go of in order to rise up
or sail safely,
and also how scary it can be,
both the act of tossing-overboard
and the soaring itself,
the commitment required for that moment of
letting it go which is also the moment of
agreeing to embark, and not only embark but
directly into the unknown

(2) emptying

a flash of memory, a story I heard or read,
a couple decided to get rid of their belongings,
go live on the road in a tiny teardrop trailer,
they reduced to the most minimal basic essentials
but when the day came to set off, they discovered
it was still far too much, maybe two or three times
what would fit, they just started flinging things out,
left half their life by the side of the road,
they said they never missed any of it

(3) mixed

my own feelings with regards to this story are (at least right now)
complicated, chaotic, messy, uncomfortable,
I wrote and then erased many words around
the magic beans of privilege involved in
this particular genre of Letting Go,
how it becomes distorted and commodified

the entire culture of fetishized minimalism as #inspo can die in a fire as far as I’m concerned

(4) now

this is not theoretical for me at the moment though,
you could say it strikes close to home
though also far from home
as I now find myself
in this exact situation though not by design

(4.5) timing

my home is [gone]
I have exited and do not yet know
where I might be headed

whatever does not fit in my car is not joining me on this mission
it has to exit my life because it cannot come along
though also because I am allergic to storage units,
and April has been an impossible game of tetris:
no matter how much I say goodbye to,
there somehow still seems to always be slightly more than a carload,
and this needs to magically resolve itself today

(5) hmmmm

there is another piece to this too
while solo adventuring is both most indicated and my actual desire,
I still find myself longing for a someone who will say
HEY THIS IS GOING TO BE — and is! — A GRAND ADVENTURE,
AND YOU ARE THE GRANDEST OF GRAND ADVENTURERS
as they kiss me goodbye and tuck my hair behind my ear,
glowing love for me and my voyage

noticing how painful it is to watch myself
wishing this wish, but then I remember:
I can let Incoming Me say this to me,
after all, she is my greatest love and I am hers,
forever-companions in wild aliveness and remembering truth

(6) uplifting

I am thinking about BUOYANCY,
the word for April, and how
it keeps coming up unexpectedly,
in every single yoga class I have been to,
the instructor will suddenly say
let your pelvis feel buoyant,
then a found note in familiar handwriting:

YOU CAN HAVE GROUNDING & BUOYANCY AT THE SAME TIME!

(6.5) flow

and now I am thinking about Virginia Woolf and
“I am rooted, but I flow”

(7) beginning with B

Ballast and Buoyancy and Bukowski
here is Tom Waits reading the laughing heart,
another heart clue, this one delivered by
someone who later revealed their own heart
in a way that was disorienting and disappointing
and scary

I am worn down from the work of boundaries,
another word that begins with b,
let’s breathe a new question:
what is the treasure in
being done with how things were?

(8) breath-blessing

breathing the blessing of agreeing to let trauma follow the door,
watch it unwind its way out of my body,
new breath, new balance,
the dance of ballast and buoyancy
being being being
a flower unfolding,
learning to trust again

breathing for my heart,
breathing for healing,
breathing for believing

(9) believing

I am at the coast communing with the bridge,
this is what I do when I forget about buoyancy,
the bridge told me the next step is believing

to believe I get to have so much more and better
than what I currently (there’s that word again)
accept as the bare minimum baseline of respectful,
believe this and keep believing it
until we no longer encounter any of the people who
think their wanting takes precedence
over me, my sense of comfort, my sense of safety!

believe this and live it
amen forever may it be so

(11) believe, again

a forever-clue from Maya Angelou:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”

haha the thing where I’m like “oh yeah that was a red flag but it’s probably fine”, let’s stop doing that

(11.5) believe your heart

oh this clue from Marie Kondo:
“Believe what your heart tells you when you ask.”

remembering to ask, this is the heart-felt work of life

(x) nameless

this number doesn’t have a name because it is unknown,
a wild card number!
here is what it wants me to tell you:

the labyrinth said BELIEVE TO RECEIVE
and then it laughed
I heard a bell inside me

(12) bell-tower

my heart is a bell and my body is the belltower,
no, I am the belltower, all of me,
I am the home for a bell,
my mission is to create the best possible conditions
for resonance

for me, being a belltower is about inhabiting my body
(prowess for grounding)
(grounding for buoyancy)
but I am also a belltower of emotion
ringing and resounding, letting feeling reverberate through me,
and I am a belltower of mental clarity
and a belltower of ringing spirit
fully embodied and resonant, clear and here,
feet to crown

hello life: I am here for this moment

(13) what is a buoy

it floats but is also self-grounding
a marker and therefore a boundary (!)
not to mention
completely at home in flow-state

oh month of buoyancy
you hold so much more than I’d realized

(14) the rally of further reductions

I am deep-dive immersed in the missions of further reductions,
not only the letting go of everything that can’t come with me,
but letting myself get lost in the vastness
of exploring what else this might mean,
what is or might be contained within
[Further + Reduction]

REDUCTION feels like magic, an incantation
FURTHER says please continue

(14.5) incantations

REDUCTION like releasing: again, let go of ballast to soar
REDUCTION like a sauce: you have less but you get more (taste! intensity! delight!)
REDUCTION like down to basics
REDUCTION like INDUCTION
REDUCTION like RE-GROUNDING
REDUCTION like release to receive
REDUCTION like exhale to let it out of psyche
REDUCTION like reduce distractions aka Clear The Path To Clear The Path
REDUCTION like a fire sale, or maybe a moving sale
REDUCTION is Luscious Minimalism, Less to Yes, Pleasure In Freedom

let’s bring in the new, now there’s space

(15) the wrong question

I am so tired of being asked where I am going next
and even more tired of the answer
I DO NOT KNOW I DO NOT KNOW
(stop asking please, I will know when I know),
okay so what is a new and better question

I want to experience this adventure of horizons
as buoyant and uplifting, exciting, expansive,
and yet constantly being asked and having no answer feels awful,
the question of where feels tight and cramped in my heart

maybe it is time for a really good cover story
maybe Question of Where is my cover band (cover band!)

(16) the price is right

A friend in Seattle said, and I am sharing this without context because
I can’t remember the context and also it doesn’t matter:

“The Price Is Right is basically the best sexual and romantic relationship I’ve ever had. THAT WHEEL. Will they get a dollar?! Will they go over or under?! The anticipation?!”

(16.5) a state of

this is how I want to feel about
not knowing where I am going, or when, or for how long,
I just want to reside in a state of delicious anticipation

(17) what if I have been wrong about everything

what if I have been wrong about this perceived high-stress
situation of not knowing what is happening or what the plan is?
what if this is actually a very fun, playful and fulfilling
situation of not knowing what is happening,
what if I could feel buoyancy, lightness,
excited sparks about the not knowing?

(17.5) labyrinth

I went to the labyrinth at the wildlife refuge,
and it said HEY DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT BUOYANCY IS,
it said, BUOYANCY IS THE PRACTICE OF KEEPING THINGS AFLOAT,
YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO FLOAT ON THE CURRENT,
YOU HAVE JUST FORGOTTEN THE PART WHERE YOU HAVE TO
PRIORITIZE KEEPING YOURSELF EASILY AFLOAT

(18) lightness: light and light hearted

then had this same exact realization in yoga with Em,
I have been making all the simple things complicated
and all the light things not-light,
what if I don’t need to solve anything,
just follow the next indicated step of
[get outdoors, be in the sun]
and listen to what is next

(yes) I will know when I know

I will know when I know,
flowering and emerging
floating and grounding,
sailing and seeding,
this is the life of buoyancy,
close your eyes,
breathe your way back to bell state,
awaken as a new bell
follow your light heart of light
go live in a light house
and fill space with light

ah what beautiful wishes
may it be so or something even better!

Announcement!

We need to hold a MOVING SAIL/SALE which is a funny (to me) phrase, moving the sails in order to move with the sails and be moved [somewhere], I cannot wait to find out what will move in me, and in us. Have not yet had time to sit with my heart until I feel what is most yes to offer, here is what came up in my scribbled notes for consideration so far, feel free to feel into what among this might be yes for you and share that in the comments if you like…

(1) bring back old products for this month!
(2) an shared online communal adventure (like the two weeks we spend on Wild Self-Treasuring) but for spring cleaning ops and other missions of releasing and clearing space!
(3) compass-poetry distance sessions (tell me what your compass is and I will do a deep-dive into it and share what I learn)

Invitation for this post!

You are welcome as always to share !!!! or anything sparked for you here, riff on or explore any of the themes, seed wishes for the month of Buoyancy and beyond.

We remember that People Vary, we take care of ourselves as we need, we don’t give advice.

Here’s how we meet each other here: with great kindness, appreciation and love.

Lots of heart-glow over here for you and everyone who reads, thank you for being here with me.