This is week 430 of this ritual, and so we chicken.
What’s been working? What do I want to play with….
Applying legitimacy (oh hey yeah this thing that is hard for me is actually hard), going on clue walks, three minute dance party.
Also TURNING OFF MY PHONE and then taking notes about how that goes. For example, if I know I check my phone 752 times in three hours, and in that entire time literally only one person texted, with the least interesting intel in the world, that is useful to know. Ta da! I just saved myself hundreds of tiny disappointments, the not-fun compulsiveness of pellet-pushing, and gave myself the gift of clear head space.
Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I’m stranded at LAX right now because I missed my flight to Phoenix, on standby for a flight that leaves in three hours. Haven’t had a full night of sleep in two and a half weeks, and can barely walk a straight line. Breathing for what if this somehow turns out to be lucky.
- Pretty much everyone in my life was AWOL this week. Craving companionship and closeness and not knowing where to find it. I mean, I do know — it comes from connecting to myself, to Source, to life, to love, to wise incoming me. But in the practical sense of wanting people to play with. Long nights feeling lonely, confused, and Prone To Monsters (fake band of the week, it’s just one guy!) Wanting more people to talk to about yeses and passion and the stuff of aliveness and life. Breathing trust. May I remember that I always have Wise Me and Diana Rigg, they always want to hang out with me.
- Extreme lack of sleep. Each night something different — marauding Coyote Karaoke Hour (also a fake band), the person throwing weights on the floor, raccoons on roof, loud bleating electrical surge noises, and so on. Apparently being awake each night from 2am-5am is just my thing right now. Tired. Very tired. Breathing gratitude for useful intel about what supports rest.
- Missing dance and movement and training. Breathing even more trust..
- Still being visited on and off by powerful waves of hurt and anger related to information I learned a few weeks ago. Sometimes I can channel Diana Rigg (the calm cool collected Avenger) instead of my furious avenging self who wants to rain destruction, and sometimes I just have to let this run its course, trusting that all pain is legitimate, my process is legitimate, and one day it’s not going to hurt like this. Breathing.
- So much about Los Angeles is not good for me, like the air which hurts my lungs, throat and eyes. Like not feeling close to the moon, and drivers who are unaware of pedestrians, and the current extreme heat wave which is I experience as somewhere between boring and oppressive, and being surrounded by workaholics. Breathing patience: this adventure is treasure, and I am learning.
- People in my life who are jerky jerkfaces and/or lack communication skills (yes, okay, me too right now) and can’t say what they want, and I am realizing that if I want other people to treat me with more respect, I need to believe it is okay to expect better. This is actually true in many areas of my life, so at least it is an interesting theme. Breathing an invitation for new people with new skills, or for the current people to catch up. Breathing trust.
- It was 97 degrees this week (36 degrees celsius). Missing fog and mist and drizzle and coziness. Breathing.
- The Everything Is Hopeless Why Even Bother monsters were in full force this week, which made it difficult to receive an important piece of information. Breathing peacefulness.
- I’ve been working my ass off trying to come up with creative solutions to the museum crisis, finally found one, then realized it isn’t going to work. Breathing for the next solution, may it reveal itself soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!
- LA RALLY! A week of solo rally and a beautiful day of shared Rally with four favorite secret agents from the Playground. Wild Clarity. Getting so much done! Even on th most stuck projects. Breathing for treasure, and for companionship.
- A much-needed smackdown from wise incoming me on the topic of No, You Really Do Deserve Better and You Need To Get Clear About This and Stop Putting Up With These Astounding Levels of Crappiness. Breathing thank you for truth-love and much-needed perspective.
- Best night ever out at La Cuevita with amazing DJ, fun new friends, playfulness, creative sparks, big joy. Breathing thank you.
- The three hour nap the other day that is the only reason I am still hanging in there. Breathing rest.
- Reorganized everything on my computer. Typed up all my notes. Understood how everything fits together and gave it all new names. Feeling inspired and, for the first time in many months, hopeful about the mission. Breathing for this.
- First glimpse of redesign for website and business (to be unveiled shortly, and also an experiment to see if there is something I can do other than burning everything down, a different kind of bonfire maybe). Excitement and sparks and, again, hope. Breath.
- Agent Ravenstar and I parked at the corner of Hope and Hope! Clues everywhere. Breathing hope.
- Finally came to resolution and understanding with something that was causing me great distress, and with someone far away that I love. Breathing appreciation and joy.
- It was so hot out that I ended up wearing my favorite scarf as a top, and every day someone asked me where I came by this gorgeous outfit. This worked really well with my current proxy mission of I am an avant garde fashion designer. Breathing playfulness.
- I was wrong about something, and I am glad. Breathing and remembering that very often my assumptions are completely off base.
- Stone skipping for days. Breathing creative power.
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of clues everywhere, loving friends, the best secret agent to hide out with, ice cream, smiles. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Last time I asked for the superpower of Speedy Recognition, and it led to big understanding.
Now asking for extreme levels of believing that something that looks like bad news (missing my flight?) is actually What Unexpected Good Fortune. I would especially like to remember this when I get lost in shame-blame and self-judgment about how I’m probably the one who screwed everything up.
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!