What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Category Archives: my personal practice

let the ocean take it

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is where we chicken.

Or check-in, if you prefer to enunciate.

Thank you, week! Or maybe not. Or as close as I can get to that.

Some weeks are harder to say thank you to.

Some weeks, I just want to wrap up the week in a shroud and drop it into the middle of the ocean, and cry.

Some weeks I don’t have the thank you in me, but you know what? We have been doing this for four hundred and twenty one weeks in a row now, and either I will find-or-remember the good in this week (of which I am sure there was plenty, I am just not in the mindset for it), or something else will happen.

That is what the space of ritual is for: experiencing what is. And sometimes [what is] is not the most fun. Zeh ma yesh, as we say in hebrew. That’s what we’ve got. Also known as baby that’s how it is right now.

What’s been working?

Many things. Deleting most of the contacts from my phone — everyone who doesn’t make me smile from ear to ear with delight upon seeing their name has to go.

Renaming everyone else so that their name matches how I think of them: Va is a badass. Laura is a sailor. Dar hunts for treasure. Audrey photographs rodeos. Agent Spalding: favorite robot.

I might try…

I don’t know what to try right now. I think that is because I didn’t leave town when I needed to leave town, and then it was too late to solve the mysteries because I was in them. I am going to try leaving town.

Naming the days.

I name each day the night before and I love how names change things and also how they become incantations.

This was the week of new adventures await and these were the days.

Ready to glow clarity. Let there be lightness. Il dolce far niente aka the sweetness of doing nothing. Effortless visible movement. Palace in progress. Star power. The star is here.

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Time to put my house in order.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. The mystery of 103 degrees fahrenheit (39.5 celsius), which is also the mystery of it is no longer sustainable or even possible to do any of the things that I need to do in order to be moderately functional. A breath.
  2. The mystery of how are we not all marching in the streets about climate change? I mean, obviously because it is way too hot to march. This week my heart ached about all the many things in the world that are not okay, the situations, the injustices, the terror, and how we act as if they are normal, and then they become normal. A breath of hope, please.
  3. Related to the above, the mystery of Portland is full of homeless people and my heart aches for this and for how is anyone going to make it through this heat, or through any of this, and what does it mean for me to be in a place that constantly reminds me of the worst thing that happened to me? I mean, if, god forbid, I had been attacked by a shark, would it make sense to live in a place that required me to swim past shark reefs multiple every day? That is not the right metaphor, because it’s more like I had to be a shark once, but I also had to pass as a dolphin while I was a shark, which was scary and exhausting, and now I am, let’s say, a mermaid with some painful memories, and I want to give back to sharks and to dolphins because I know what it is like, but/and I also do not ever want to swim in the same waters that I swam in before, or even be reminded of what it is like to be in that environment. I am not explaining this well at all. Who is the me who says NO THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME, I will make new choices and make sure I can float somewhere safe and beautiful, to heal without these daily reminders of Then. Breathing for light and safe passage.
  4. The mystery of the perfect storm of premenstrual hating-everything, combined with severe sleep deficit because of [loud circumstances beyond my control], combined with the cowboy performing his patented maneuver of pulling the rug out from under my feet and then immediately disappearing into some magical place where there’s no cell service so we can’t talk about what just happened, and somehow this takes me by surprise every single time, even though this has happens so often that I should be able to just put it on the calendar at this point. And then I get lost in the way deep past and my history of rugs and not trusting the ground, and I get mad at myself for falling for this shit, in addition to feeling hurt and sad and pulled into stories and stew-stirring and misunderstanding. A breath for loving myself unconditionally, because here I am in all my pain and fear, and I am the adult now who can give tiny-me all the hugs and reassurance in the world.
  5. The mystery of the three week migraine from hell, which is not actually a mystery at all, since I know exactly what is causing it and what to do about this situation, but it involves cutting ties and pissing some people off, and this requires being brave, and I think that requires more sleep so I can do this from a calm, rested, state of in-my-power-and-grace. A breath for this.
  6. The mystery of how intensely I loathe the basement studio that I have been working on making since January, and how it is not working at all as practice space, or as any kind of space, and I cannot put any more time or money into this mystery. And the mystery of where is my sanctuary if not here, in addition to the ongoing mystery of where will my new home be, well, it’s just too many mysteries, and I am out of things to try, and I thought I had found a beautiful temporary sanctuary for September but now that’s in the category of “who knows, we’ll see”. A breath for whatever is opened for me through saying no to all the no-things now. And, as I said last week, a breath for all the right solutions — speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
  7. I miss my mom. I miss the beautiful cowboy. I miss the sea. I miss the red hills. I miss sunset in the desert. Intense heartache. A breath for whatever this is.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. I said this last week and it is still true now: many beautiful things happened this week which proved that now is in fact nothing like then, and All Is Well, it just is, even when I forget this. And even if right now I cannot remember the beautiful things because I am in shock from the past twenty four hours, that doesn’t negate their beauty or the fact that they happened. I can remember that they happened even if temporarily unable to conjure their memory. I remember that this week included so much good, and it doesn’t stop being good just because I reflect on the week in a moment of hard. A breath of sweetness and presence.
  2. I am very, very clear on what I don’t want. Also on what I do want. Maybe I have not fully appreciated how much treasure in this, but it is actually a wonderful thing. A breath for this steady knowing and powerful certainty.
  3. While in my anger about [various things], I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger that tells you a boundary has been crossed and needs to be restored. I said THANK YOU, MESSENGER over and over. I restored some boundaries. I stopped trying to fight AT&T and switched to a different phone company. And I exited situations and locations that asked me to exit them. A breath for remembering my crown.
  4. Another repeat from last week but still true and still amazing. The stone skipping not-a-course is full of wise, compassionate people saying wise, compassionate things, and so many sparks of good are sparking everywhere, and we are having the best insights and exploring things we never would have found without everyone else doing the work too. I am feeling so proud and joyful about all the self-fluency happening there. A breath of appreciation.
  5. Float tank is big wild magic for me. It is where I remember what it is like to be a star. A breath of thankfulness.
  6. A weekend of intense posture training — Gokhale! All day!— was very intense and brought up a lot of stuff, but it was so good for me. New and important things integrating in my body and life. I’m doing the work and it is hard (right now, for me), and it is worth it. Good for me. I can appreciate how hard it is, and also how valuable it is. A breath of gratitude for this.
  7. We send out the YEARbook! I read it three times. It is full of treasure. A breath of glad heart.
  8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the most incredible clues, the best salad I’ve eaten in my life, my mother’s favorite song playing, all-night hypnosis, dreaming up yeses with the beautiful far-away cowboy. What else? Oh right, I went dancing after a long time avoiding a dance, and I went in like a queen, and had so much fun! And had two fantastic lessons with my teacher who came to the coast to work with me. See? I knew good things happened. Maybe later I will remember more. In the meantime: Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Let There Be Lightness, and I had this in the form of floating and in the form of posture adjustments that allow me to carry myself with much more ease.

And I had the incredible-to-me power of asking the loud guy using the three-hour-bus-to-the-coast as his office to get off his phone, and he apologized and shut up. Actually, this week was full of people apologizing to me for things that are worthy of apologies, so maybe that was my superpower too.

Powers I want.

I would like more layers of Let There Be Lightness, in the form of energy lightness and emotional lightness and more ease of releasing. And the power of Feet On The Ground.

And I would like a mute button. Which is funny.

The Salve of Practice Secretly Pays Off, As Does Not-Practice.

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

This weekend I repeated the foundation course in the posture training I took two months ago, and was astonished to discover that things in the category of [I don’t get how to do this and I have not practiced it because I was practicing other things instead] just worked themselves out so easily. And now I can do all these things that were impossible two months ago.

This is the salve of that. It is filled with permission and sparkle. It opens your eyes and heart to see and appreciate all that is, and all that has changed, and all your hard work, and how your work (and your rest!) in totally different areas is changing everything.

This is a fractal flower salve, and it is big magic.

This salve brings the lightness and also lets things happen through-and-by lightness.

Side effects include not being impressed by anyone’s monsters, including your own.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.

just-one-guy

This week’s band is from Agent Sloan:

No Fake Babies

Their latest album is Ugh The Patriarchy But Also Fireflies, and this band is just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

Announcement time….

My week may have been not the most fun, but at least I didn’t take anything my monsters said to heart at all, and that’s a useful skill. Highly recommended. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say.

Plus it comes with a coloring book.

Plus buying something at the museum gift shop helps offset the cost of running a free museum.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

new adventures await

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 370th week of wishing, come play!

stars

last week I wished a wish called so clear under the stars
and it was a mostly-metaphorical wish
as things are (or can be)
but then yesterday I texted the beautiful far-away cowboy
“what is the place with the stars, let’s go there”

he is the sort of person who knows the places where you can see all the stars

invitation

and then immediately after asking,
I opened twitter and was greeted with
{this glorious image}
how often am I struck dumb with beauty
— well, okay, all the time, but that’s just because I don’t talk
anyway, breathing in the treasure of this photograph
made me want to quit twitter
and everything else forever
to devote myself to this photograph
to gaze on this image or be there in it

“I guess southern Idaho is the place for us then!”
said the cowboy, who likes the Snake River anyway, when I showed it to him

let’s go

let’s go be quiet in the quiet
under the stars
this is what I want

mirroring

I am in a very loud place
metaphorically, sure,
but really I mean that I am in the noisy cafe of a supermarket
for purposes of internet
— story of my life right now
and this is also related to my wishes,
I would like to not need to be online —
and here we are in the month of Deep Listening
which usually requires quiet (and quiet is what I want most)
but sometimes it is so very useful to listen to people in their loudness
and see how it mirrors yours

not doing it

the guy behind me is yelling,
angry and upset about
something he doesn’t want to do that someone in his life
apparently wants or expects him to do,
insisting I’M NOT DOING IT over and over
to his friend, who is asking all the wrong questions,
making it about the logistics of this situation when this is not about logistics,
it is about yes and sovereignty and boundaries
but she wants to help and this is how she knows how to help,
maybe it is how she would want someone to help her
if roles were reversed

anyway this guy is just grinding wheels so hard
and I am premenstrual and impatient,
or: in that powerful state of premenstrual impatience,
aka sky queen burn it all down levels of clarity and DNFW*
wanting so badly to take over here

*DNFW: Do. Not. Fuck. With.

know it and glow it

this is what I want to say to him:

dude, you’ve already received the decision that you aren’t going to do it
so don’t fucking do it
and just be okay with that
because it really is okay
stop talking about how you aren’t doing it
and just agree to not do it

know it and glow it

but I didn’t say anything (because…)

1) this is actually what I need to say to myself
about situation X
of course it is much easier for me to feel
impatient with random stranger stuck in some
WUSIT situation aka What Unsovereign Shit Is This
than it is to just do what I need to do,
or really, in this case,
to not do what I need to not do

I am trying to justify my no
instead of just glowing my no
and knowing my no
with certainty and Crown On

this person is a mirror and a reminder
and it is time for me to follow the advice
that I think he needs
because (like most advice)
it is actually advice for me*

* this is why we refrain from advice (giving and requesting), this and because not everything requires a response and, really, most things do not require a response, which is related to my wish as well…

2) this is why I don’t speak
well, okay, that is not actually true but it might
make the top ten reasons
after the part about how
[if I don’t take steps to minimize input and output
then I have to hide in bed and
spend the majority of my life just recovering
from the work of being alive ]
but what I mean to say here is that
part of my mission in life is to
learn about my own state of internal quiet
until

until

I no longer feel pulled
by this need-desire to yell at strangers
or by anything

new adventures await

the sweetest message from Fred in North Carolina
it was absolutely full of love
I really like Fred

I admire you greatly and have learned much from you, starting with that weekend you taught at my yoga studio all those years ago.
I know you have helped many and still do. I wish you all the best.
New adventures await.
Namaste, dear Havi!

this is the best reminder in the world
new adventures await
follow the stars

all timing is right timing

he sent this in february and I read it in february
but I RECEIVED it now, so it is a double-gift,
this is also part of my wish this weke,
I want the treasure I seed in the world to be
received and then received again, like sparks and starbursts,
slow-release time-delay capsules
of love-sweetness-compassion
and wise witchy grace
or whatever is most needed in the moment
of releasing

I love how this brings new layers of meaning to the word releasing,
what if something beautiful can be released in me or in the world!
releasing as a form of receiving,
in addition to all the releasing work I do of letting go of things that are done,
what if the more I release in the sense of letting go,
the more can be released in this new sense!

the fear that is not mine

sometimes I am afraid (I think this is monsters, actually)
let’s see, what is the fear, something about how if I
say yes to more quiet
and under the stars
I won’t be able to connect to people
that isolation and loneliness will be the price of my freedom
yes, this is old rigged-game programming
very, very old
left over from the days when
we needed to be accepted by the tribe for survival

starbursts, again

I was in a car, watching the giant moon rise
and the person next to me kept offering me snacks and describing them,
and I wasn’t really listening because I wasn’t hungry, and because of the moon,
and suddenly their words came through:

I mean, who knows, maybe you need a starburst

and my eyes opened wide, in startlement (star pun!)
because that is exactly what I need
to be a starburst, to be in my star-state and glow,
and to let things change in a bursting forth
but actually this person was offering me candy
which I did not want at all, but what I heard was more like a message
delivered straight from the stars
(gratitude)

what do I wish for?

hmmm this weeks wishes are a meandering collection of clues and sparks
because apparently I am not ready to say my wish in words yet
what I want is to close a door
to cleanly, clearly, emphatically, unapologetically close a door
which has been open for far too long

I see now that the original purpose of this door
was soul-service
but its state of [being-open] no longer supports anyone,
not the people who come to it and knock
and not the people on the receiving end who end up with
arms full of these unsolicited
requests, stories, demands, meltdowns, drama, mysteries

this door should really be more like a hollow tree in the forest
where people can go to howl their howls
or a place by the river where people can skip their stones
it does not need to be a door into my space
or the space of people I love
and actually I do not need to provide any doors
or trees or rivers
that is not my job
people are wise and can find their own answers

what opens when this door closes?

wisest me whispers:
you are a marvel
and this is not even a big deal
honestly most people will not even notice
there are no negative consequences from glowing your glow
and giving yourself what you need
(quiet, stillness, supportive environments)
through releasing what you don’t
(input, distraction, more things to do that you never wanted to do to begin with)

trust me when I say that LESS AND LIGHT are where to put your focus, think of them as design companions to FREEDOM AND PLEASURE, your guiding stars

what will help me close this door?

ah, new adventures await when I close it
also it is not so much closing it as removing it
or, really, erasing it

yes, erase the door
there can be no trace of a door that is this kind of door
it is gone
poof!

what do I know about my wishes?

this is about that thing I keep learning
about how sometimes you have to say a clear no
to invite yes
and how trusting this is scary
but this is what is indicated,
and right

may I have the courage to dismantle and undo
to listen and trust
to release and
receive
choose towards
freedom and pleasure
glow my star glow
and do less
letting the doing-less be how I am of service in the world
ah of course this is a wish about
being true to my mission
yes

may it be so!

now

the superpower of deep listening


months-August-VPA-2016

last month was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and that is exactly what I am doing

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called so clear under the stars

and guess what, my wish was really about Clarity — which I received, in spades, but now I am going to be spending September and October literally under the stars out in the middle of nowhere, and could not be happier about this.

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes