What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity


Category Archives: my personal practice

chicken follows the chart

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, Friday: we are here.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

Thank you, week!

This is the 375th week in a row we are chickening here together….

or “checking in”, if you prefer to enunciate.

What worked this week?

Recognizing a voice

I was so tired, disoriented, cranky, and I wanted to tell someone I care about to go away and not come back, and before I did, I suddenly recognized the voice.

It wasn’t me who wanted to say that. It was 26-year-old me. It was exactly her words and her tone and her mood.

So I went to the bathroom, and talked with her. I told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I admire her boldness and her fearless unwillingness to compromise what she believes in.

I also told her about how Now Is Not Then: we don’t need to lash out to protect ourselves anymore. And I pointed out that the main reason we were often harsh and reactive then was all those years working nights and not sleeping until morning. And she understood that this is what was happening now, and that she didn’t need to get involved here, and went to a safe room to sleep it off.

Next time I might…

Use the Flow Chart of Spaciousness, of course.

Well, use it sooner, at least. Once I remembered it, everything got better.

Who here has been reading (or poking around in the archives) long enough to remember The Flow Chart Of Spaciousness? It’s nearly six years old!

Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…

Maybe Don’t Respond To Anything Until You’ve Caught Up On Sleep: The Havi Brooks Story

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

  1. My dance crisis (which is getting boring) is still a thing, or on and off a thing. A breath for figuring out a new relationship to this so that I can enjoy the parts I love, and steer clear of the aspects of dance culture which don’t support me.
  2. No matter how tangled up I get, dance is still pretty much always in the top five things I want to be doing, while for the beautiful boy who’s been in ongoing work crisis, dance has come in at maybe seventeen on his list. He’s been focused on just getting through the day. Suddenly last weekend, after a couple months of dance not being on his radar, it mysteriously and unexpectedly — from where I stood — got bumped up to number one for him! Which sounds great, except number one takes precedence over sleeping, eating, sex, closeness and connecting. I really wanted all those other things. Like, really, really, really a lot. And they weren’t on his list. And it sucked. A breath.
  3. Something shifted for me, and all of my superpowers got way more intense this week, which is cool except it also means that all my already highly-heightened sensitivities are through the roof, so I’m going through the growing pains of that. Trying to navigate with these new skills, and without thinking that the blessing is the curse. Things I used to be able to do out in the world (bus, supermarket) as long as I came prepared with presence, a strong forcefield and an escape plan, are not really doable now. That needs to change. Or I need to find a new way to do things. A breath of compassion for me who is struggling, and a breath of thank-you for the gifts of growth, may I see them and smile.
  4. One late night of dancing knocked me out for most of the week, and I had trouble receiving/revealing my decisions until I followed protocol. A breath for following the protocol.
  5. The two things my lover and I don’t have in common with regards to how we live have shifted from “haha it’s fascinating how we’re so completely different in these two very particular ways” to “okay, this is actually not healthy or sustainable unless something changes”. Sure, it was kind of sexy being a passionate firefighter having a hot affair with a good-looking pyromaniac, but now I’ve been promoted to station chief and he’s gone full-scale all-out arsonist, and this is a very inexact metaphor but the point stands. A breath for us and the big love in our hearts.
  6. My mother’s yahrzeit was this week, and that was a sad and not-easy day. A breath.
  7. I’m not sure how much of this is Portland changing (very quickly) and how much is me changing (similar pace). It seems the number of people exhibiting erratic behavior has increased tenfold this year. Lots of unpleasant incidents, to the point that it’s no longer appealing to me to do many things I used to find pleasurable. Things are what they are, and exit signs aren’t bad. A breath for this, and for me.
  8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

  1. Friday night dancing (until 4:30am!) was fun and creative and playful, and did a lot to restore my confidence and joy, and it was so sweet to dance with the beautiful boy again and smile that joyful smile we have while dancing. A breath for play and delight, and being at home in my body.
  2. Someone I care about is making real changes and wearing their crown again, and this fills me with gladness for them. Yay! A breath for hope.
  3. When my plans for where I’m going to be living come January fell apart, I didn’t freak out and homeless-me didn’t surface, and then the new (and much better) plans revealed themselves almost immediately. A breath for the magic of this.
  4. Operation Honey Sweet! I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to start a project. A breath for bubbling enthusiasm, and how good and right it feels.
  5. I had ten thousand (approximately) wild epiphanies this week, as well as hugely helpful counseling from Incoming Me. A breath of yes and thank you.
  6. Deep intense sweetness with my lover prevailed this week, despite all the challenges of the weekend. We spent Sunday night and Wednesday night together, and even with his seemingly unending work crisis, we still found time for deep joy and presence. A breath for closeness, adoration, pleasure, dozing on his chest seconds after closing my eyes, like the most contented kitten.
  7. I feel vibrantly hopeful (as opposed to frustrated/scared) about everything right now, including things that aren’t working in various parts of my life. I know what I want, I know what works for me and what doesn’t, I’m not afraid. So that’s a beautiful miracle, and I’ll take it. A breath for all the work that got me here.
  8. Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. My sweetly humming home. Cold dates (the fruit) with freshly ground peanut butter. Hot dates with myself. Tea in the best mug. A terrific dance lesson that put a giant smile on my face. Nothing is wrong, even when I think it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Sparklepoints, superpowers, salve, fake band of the week!

Operations completed!

Forward movement on many ops this week, including Operation A Sweet Fountaining, Operation Shed Shed Shed, and some more exploration into parachute play. Thank you, fractal flowers.

I now bestow upon myself a quintillion sparklepoints, and you are welcome to do the same for you.

Or if you don’t do numbers (even fake ones), an endless cascading fountaining abundance of sparklepoints

Superpowers I had this week…

The superpower of cherishing myself, which is no small thing. I will take some more of that.

Powers I want.

I want the superpower of Not Stealing My Own Joy: ACTIVATE!

The Salve of Not Stealing My Own Joy

These invisible salves are distributed here by way of internet magic. Help yourself! Take it in a bath, as tea, a cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.

If we are to believe the internet, Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy, and Mark Twain said comparison is the death of joy, and the sufis say that comparison is the devil, and either way, there are endless ways we can inflict self-harm through trying to measure up to someone else instead of being present with our hearts-wants-feelings-breath and everything we are in this moment now.

This salve sneakily reverses debilitating comparison tendencies like so:

First, it fills you with the most sweet, steady calm, as if you had nothing that needed doing but gaze contentedly at sunbeams dancing on the water, or enjoy a spectacular rainbow from a cozy hammock.

We wouldn’t compare ourselves to the sunbeams or the water, the rainbow or the hammock, and we wouldn’t compare those things to each other. Each is just right in its own way, and suddenly the idea of comparing anything seems kind of silly.

The phrase “I Don’t Steal My Own Joy!” pops into your head, and suddenly ALL YOUR JOY IS RESTORED.

Any joy you’ve given away by accident — for example, I give mine away a lot while watching tiny petite advanced dancers who are twenty years younger than me and have ballet training — comes flowing back to you, clean and clear, ready to be distributed to wherever you need the most pleasure.

This is a secret sovereignty salve, and a secret gratitude salve, and everyone around you can feel it, because the joy that is yours that returns to you is the most special thing in the world.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I make up bands, which are all just one guy. The Meme Beach House is the venue.


This week’s band is from my lover, and also could be the title of his memoir:

Prone To Ridiculous Complications

Their latest album is It’s Probably A Curse, and, of course, it’s just one guy.

Photo taken just for us in Lubbock, TX by Jesse — thank you!

Quick announcements!

While clearing out the house, I discovered a hidden stash of the gorgeous Stone Skipping cards! $22 for an extremely magical deck of cards plus shipping, or for $30 (plus shipping) we’ll add a cheery red Playground mug, since I found some more of those too! Tell the First Mate if you’re interested.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

delicious space

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (also known as a Vision of Possibility & Anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 325th consecutive week of wishing, come play!

delicious space!

I found this tantalizing combination of words in a book about dance imagery, by Eric Franklin, is that not a gem of a phrase?

you imagine and feel, as you come up into relevé, you feel-imagine
that the space above you is delicious
you feel happy-peaceful-sweet-steady-powerful in this delicious space
of course you do: it’s delicious

whisper it

taste the way the s and the s slide-collide into each other and
then how the e at the end empties and echoes into endlessness

delicious space

what a luscious word-cluster

I want my space — my space — to feel delicious

the space inside my head and inside my heart
my bedroom and kitchen and the space of my life

a lot of times it doesn’t

too many conversations in my head, endless stew-stirring,
I forget that this doesn’t feed me, and it doesn’t support deliciousness

I forget to make loving containers-of-spaciousness for myself
and it is well known that I put up with things that are uncomfortable,
or barely-comfortable
and don’t want to let them go

what if [delicious space] is so much more than the space above my head

as I release and go deeper into Congruencing: DELICIOUS SPACE

as I breathe eight breaths in eight directions, forming a compass of qualities around me, suddenly the space around me is a force field of DELICIOUS SPACE

turning inward to listen to the quiet steady pulse of life, I am in DELICIOUS SPACE

gently blowing dust off of my copper bowl, my pelvic bowl, I feel how it wants to become DELICIOUS SPACE

when I tune into to my wishes and to sweet desire, each week, in this practice/ritual that both pulls me and terrifies me, because it reveals so much, I come here, into DELICIOUS SPACE

wise words about delicious space from Marie Kondo:

  • “the best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t”
  • “if you [thank your house] repeatedly, you will start to feel your house respond when you come home, you will sense its pleasure passing through like a gentle breeze”
  • “things that are cherished shine”
  • “tidying is not the purpose of life”
  • “transform your closet into your own private space, one that gives you a thrill of pleasure”

delicious space actually hums

I can’t remember if Marie said this in words or if it’s just something I know so well that I imagine she agrees with me:

space that is loved and charged up with qualities starts to hum

for five years I [verb]ed the most astonishing retreat center called The Playground
where we practiced self-fluency and everything we play with here
and anyone who was there can tell you:

that space was charged up with magic
and it hummed

for the longest time

I wished my own space would do that, and now it does
my bedroom purrs like the most contented kitten

what else do I know about delicious space?

  1. bold-me lives in delicious space, the me who is not afraid to glow
  2. space is extra-delicious inside of a round house
  3. space is extra-delicious when it is approached with intention

what else?

spaces as in pauses, or red lights, waiting for a cup to fill

space between toes, walking the beach, warm sand

space between breaths, the kumbaka moment of effortless blank mind

the in-between spaces

like on a swing

it takes you up and up, to that moment of suspended in delicious space
before the pendulum motion pulls you back in the other direction

that’s the sexy -and-a- that comes before count 1 in swing dance,
the sweet gasp in waltz between the 3 and the 4

or really, hovering at the moment where 2 becomes 3, everything is a prelude to everything

moments heavy with pent-up anticipation, potential-before-kinetic,
the tingling electric almost

or calm like the eye of the storm
chaos everywhere and yet, my space is delicious
delicious and beautifully still

what am I avoiding talking about here?

of course, my uncomfortable realization about Supportive Environments

so many things I do, relationships, or frameworks I have agreed to
are not actually as supportive as I thought

it’s more like, aspects are supportive,
or these structures support me in SOME ways but not in all ways
what I want is True Yes environments that are just supportive, period
like my Playground used to be

none of the forms in my life are as supportive as I wish them to be,
how did that happen

what’s the solution?

  • turn inward, get quiet and listen
  • understand that I need to make this a priority, insist on supportive environments
  • take exquisite care of myself, follow the protocol

or as I said the other day, somewhere, my answer to everything is: [say no, pizza, sex]

BOUNDARIES, SUSTENANCE, PLEASURE… these make everything better

a sign in a shop window: help wanted — inquire within

this struck me as the wisest advice imaginable, I wish to choose this all the time, and then, conveniently, I saw an advertisement for premium gasoline which counseled, Choose It All The Time

I want to choose Inquire Inside all the time, whenever I want help
I want to choose Delicious Space all the time, in all things

nothing like a sign when you need one

my beloved friend Colleen the Sign Maker is a great appreciator of signs
so I texted her this one, and she lettered it beautifully, with bonus punctuation

I am not a signmaker, I am a bell, but I am good at shining light towards the signs, and I wish for more of that

anything else that needs to be revealed?

yes, this is about giving myself spaciousness and not rushing or agreeing to be rushed

I have a [secret mysterious project] with a very tight timeline, which does not feel like delicious space, so I need to make this clear to the other people involved

(noticing frustration because I think I have done this, and it hasn’t registered)

breathing spaciousness and trust

I want the delicious space inside of me to support delicious space outside of me, and I want the space around me to be so delicious that it supports my ability to get quiet and go inside

may it be so!


I am in bed — surprise! — speaking of space that is delicious
my view from the window: lush green leaves and rain

delicious space is external and internal
and both require fearless intentional choosing, how fortunate that this is the superpower of the month

superpower of fearless intentional choosing.

September - Stand in My Strength More now I am ready to stand in my strength more, as september (on the Fluent Self calendar) brings fearless intentional choosing

I am weaving this superpower into this week’s wish:

fearlessly delicious space, intentionally choosing deliciousness / deliciously choosing fearlessness, deliciously intentional space choices

last week’s wishes

aka edge recovery

oh yes, I am recovering, and also recovering my edges-and-edginess

there are new boundaries in my future as well as sexy-angry boots to wear when I am ready to acquire them, and I feel very glowy about both of these

thank you, process of writing about wishes, and thank you, me who asked

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here (and the new icon!),
or share anything sparked for you while reading

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes