What we do here:

Work on our stuff. Dissolve stuck. Play. Experiment. Rewrite patterns. We take sometimes-heavy things* and we make them more fun, playful, manageable.

I also write about my conversations with walls and monsters, and what it's like to work on a pirate ship. Good times.

* Sometimes-heavy things include: mindfulness and presence, pain and trauma, business-growing, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity

 

Category Archives: my personal practice

rainbow oasis

very personal ads

I write a Very Personal Ad (or a vision of possibility & anticipation) each week to practice wanting, listening, getting clear on my desires

the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities

wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

this is the 376th week of wishing, come play!

clues everywhere

once upon a time I wished for clues everywhere
(may I see them and laugh)
and now this is just a power that I have;
something that feels so familiar as to be intrinsic
I don’t even remember what it was like to not have
clues right in front of me
or to miss them even though I was tripping over them,
now I am someone who just lets them land in my heart
as easily as I would cup my hands to receive a snowflake
and let it kiss my waiting palms
whispering thank you

thank you

smile at stars

back in 2014 when I wished to be someone who sees clues everywhere I asked:

may I see clearly, breathe deeply,
take exquisite care of myself, ask loving questions, choose peacefulness,
smile at stars

and now I am out in idaho on operation wild freedom under the stars
learning how to live by the moon
and be a star

smile at stars

this morning I forgot how to be in my star-like clarity and radiance
crying quietly in the car
thinking about something that hurts in my heart with intensity
thinking what if it hurts this much forever
I thought: I need to remember the stars
because then it will be okay

I will glow my way through this with love and compassion
with great tenderness for the tender places
and one day there will be ease
which will allow me to look back on this vulnerable time
and be at peace

then we arrived at the cafe and I went to the bathroom
on the wall in front of me:
a large print of The Starry Night

thank you

thank you, wishes / thank you, me-who-wishes

I wished to be someone who smiles at stars and look
here I am, smiling at stars
in a restroom in Twin Falls

I wished to be someone for whom
clues are readily available
and here I am, smiling at clues

whatever qualities and abilities I wish for today
will be mine one day
maybe they are mine already

friday

late friday night in the car on the way to a hotel
to hide out in a giant bed
and make space with sweetness and intention for
vulnerable honest open clarity
about a tangled heart-hurting situation

a combination of trepidation
what will I learn that I don’t want to know
and determination
the me of next week who has been through this weekend is
wiser and more grounded than I am, more trusting,
she has skills and superpowers that I don’t even know about,
and I am ready to meet her and become her

oasis

I thought: I need to be comforted
but there is something beyond comfort
what is it

glancing out the window of the car
passing a shop called Oasis
just as a song by the band Oasis comes on the radio
there it is
oasis is what I need

thank you

at the oasis

the hotel had a small hot pool
completely empty
and I immersed in it for a long hour the next morning
thinking many thoughts
alternating between raging vengeful fury lashing out in pain
splashing my anger across the tiled walls
the embodiment of turbulence
and also thankfulness for everything I have

for example

this quiet peaceful oasis all to myself
warm water is where I heal
and oh this unconditional brave love I have for myself
and healing is kind of my thing
gratitude for everything I have been through because now I
no longer fear exploring the dark places of my internal landscapes
thank you for this strong healthy body that I love and loves me back

I mean, wow, a healthy relationship with the space that houses me,
speaking of wishes I once never believed would come true
and all the many skills and superpowers I have
cultivated over the years
they are all here to help me cross through this
I trust my ability to do this, I trust my skills, I trust
the process of life
ready to love-more-trust-more

rainbow

suddenly a rainbow sliced across my field of vision
as light from outside met the water and
repeating shiva spiral patterns danced on the ceiling above me
I understood that this was a form of mikveh
a rainbow oasis
just for me

I remembered what Karla says about how anger is a messenger
whose message is about a boundary that needs to be restored

thank you

restoration

it was beautifully clear which boundary was asking me for restoration
and so my anger turned to peaceful understanding
because there is actually no one to be angry at in this situation
and restoring the boundary can be as simple as
stating my preferences with clarity and love
(maybe not easy, but simple)
trusting that it is safe for me to want what I want
regardless of how it is received

that’s the hard part, but that’s what this weekly practice of naming wishes has been training me to do

resolution

everything that needed to be resolved was resolved
there were star clues everywhere
including on the tiny spur of a cowboy boot
stamped on the back of my hand at the dance club

star clues say: glow, glow
star clues say: do not forget your power
star clues say: give this time and presence
star clues say: be in your state of light to shed light

clear the path to clear the path
approach everything with intention and clarity
and it will get lighter

what other forms of resolution do I want to wish while I’m wishing

these are all interrelated wishes
even though I don’t see how they are connected yet:

wishing ease for the forgotten nightmares
for the violent night terrors to disappear
(I thought they already had but it turns out they’re
still happening every night and I just don’t register them consciously)

wishing ease for vestibular hyperacusis
whether in the form of a magical solution to it
or in the form of taking better care of myself
to guard my superpowers and protect my body

wishing ease for the parts of me who are still clinging to pain
yes please to laughter and love and perfect simple solutions
yes please to new metaphors
a new way of seeing
clear-eyed appreciation for what is

wishing to maintain this state of gratitude
for clarity and presence
rainbows and stars
what it means to have crossed through this intense weekend
and now here I am so ready to
glow my star power

may it be so!

the superpower of I Am So Very Clear

months-September-VPA-2016

August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in the month of INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear

there is so much in this too that I had not anticipated: Clear Knowing, Discernment, Resonance, Transparency, all the many beautiful forms of clear

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called live by the moon
and this is exactly what I am doing

thank you, me who wished

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

water sign chicken

Friday chicken

Reflecting on both the hard and the good in the week that was…

Hello, week: we are here.

Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is week 426 of this ritual, and so we chicken.

Or check-in, if you prefer to enunciate.

If you feel drawn to comment on aspects of my week, I will take love, hearts, breaths, pebbles — I do not need advice or cheering up, though presence and sweetness are always welcome

What’s been working? What do I want to play with….

Being in water.

Breathing for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

I am not going to enumerate the hard things of this week because there was only one for me*, but oh was it a big one, and it happened this morning.

Actually, funny story that is not really funny, I had intended to write up the chicken last night, completely flummoxed as to how to begin: after over eight years of writing up the hard and good of each week, here was a peaceful, inspiring, beautiful, transformative week with no hard. High on life!

Anyway, I ended up not having to solve that mystery because I took some [legal-in-some-places] pain relief for cramps, aka high on things other than life, which I haven’t done in oh maybe twenty years now. This rendered me completely useless, and somewhat paranoid, so I decided to snuggle up in bed with all the pillows instead.

This morning my friend who owns the house dropped by and said “hey do you want to hang out in the pool for a bit in the rain before I do all the house things”, and I was like, OF COURSE, I am the piscean queen of hanging out in water, I literally spent four hours a day this week in your pool in the rain…

Then my friend casually mentioned a situation that he assumed I knew about, except I did not know about it because someone in my life had chosen to omit this [set of pieces of information], and then I don’t really know what happened because I think I went into shock.

I was in the pool, flabbergasted, everything slow motion. And then I was in front of the house, walking very fast in the direction of the road, walking large wild circles on the wet grass in the rain, wearing only a towel over my bathing suit and the wind was cold and I am not entirely clear on how I got there or how long I was there doing the circle thing. And then I was back in the pool but I don’t remember going back to the pool.

I stayed there for a very long time, in a state of grief and bewilderment because the things I thought I knew weren’t making sense, and my friend felt awful.

I noticed all the ways that now was reminding me of then: the other time someone who loves me hid a vital piece of information from me, wanting to protect me from pain, and how awful it was to find out a different way. I breathed the breath of Now Is Not Then.

I am okay now. I have trust that it will be easily cleared up and resolved. I know what questions I want to ask myself, what superpowers I want to call on. But there you go, that was the hard of my week. Good thing I waited too, because where is the balance in only good.

Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

* I mean, I can only assume all kinds of truly terrible things happened in the world this week but I am in sabbatical/island mode and so I do not know about them. I pause here for a breath for safety and comfort for everywhere in the world that needs it, and a breath for Black Lives Matter, because that cannot be said enough or breathed enough, amen

Breathing for the good, reassuring, and magical!

  • There were many, many wonderful things this week, and if I were not still rattled from this morning, I would be adding a hundred exclamation points to each of them. Breathing awe and appreciation for wild wonder and joy and the many miracles of this week.
  • Warm water is my big healing, and I was able to spend hours and hours each day in the pools that are heated by hot springs, and it was heaven. Breathing for this is where I need to be.
  • Hip pain disappeared! I can sit again! Breathing for things move and change.
  • Wrote two ebooks in three and a half days, the only time I’ve ever had a writing streak like this before is at Rally. It was kind of incredible. Breathing for being in my power.
  • Two spectacular nights of dancing. The dance superpower that I have been working on forever and doesn’t really have a name but is something like [I am So Completely Relaxed, Positive, Confident and Creative, At Ease In My Body, At Ease Taking Up Space, At Ease Being Fabulous, I Shine & Glow] kicked in unexpectedly, and I had a blast. Breathing for play.
  • A very surreal and hilarious birthday party — also in the pool, everything this week was in the pool — showed me to what extent in my life I want what I have and have what I want. Breathing for treasure, and the ability to recognize it.
  • Big big big big clarity! Breathing for this certainty.
  • Repeat from last week: No news is good news! Feeling so much more peaceful because I had not even realized how much this sensitive soul needed to withdraw. Breathing for spaciousness, may my own peace spread outward into the world of news and do good somehow.
  • Wild hot sweetness, vulnerability, intensity, love. Breathing for this beating heart and this happy body.
  • All my crises resolved themselves this week, easily and without much effort, not sure how that big magic happened but I suspect the moon had something to do with it. Breathing for ease.
  • Met a new version of Incoming Me, and she is breathtaking in her radiance. Breathing for getting to know these aspects of myself that I could not have even imagined existed.
  • Thankfulness. Feeling aware of the good fortune in my life in the form of loving-hearted people, meals that make me clap my hands with delight, the still-incredible moon. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers.

Last time I wanted the power of I Close All The Doors That Need Closing, Easily, With Great Assurance and With Love. I did not expect to get this, because it seemed so impossible, but then it just happened.

So now I am asking for the superpower of Amazing Ease, Grace and Steadiness, so that this wobbly situation becomes something that is no big deal, and I do not fear wobbliness because I adapt easily and I have (haha, yes, okay, I see what is happening here) Amazing Grace.

Grace like awe and source, and grace like magnificence and wonder, and grace like not falling on my face, or at least doing it in style like I meant it.

Announcement time….

Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!