That’s Thing 1 I don’t wanna.

Thing 2 is another more recent project that is also surrounded with some sick.

Both of these projects are close to being done.

Both of them make me feel like Pee Wee Herman at the end of his Big Adventure movie when he’s rescuing the pets from the fire and keeps passing up on the snakes.

He knows he’ll have to get them out eventually b/c he can’t let them burn, but he also totally doesn’t wanna grab them so he keeps putting it off until the end when he grabs them by the fistfuls and runs out of the pet store screaming and passes out.

(Pattern: Get excited about a project, start kicking ass, something shitty comes up and throws me off course emotionally, I stop working on the project because I get seriously ill, then I eventually get well and try to work on it again and it makes me sick again b/c…well, because of this pattern.)

So I have been noticing HUGE resistance to working of any kind. I just want to play and have fun and be happy. That is all.

Then I feel major guilt for not working on these past projects. And for not working on forward things too.

So my real Inowanna Iguana is WORK.

Which underneath that is like: Inowanna support myself.

I don’t want to take responsibility for myself. I don’t want to have to be a grown up. I don’t want to have to take care of myself.

Soo…let’s see:

- Reminding myself why I am choosing to take care of myself and be responsible:

I love feeling on top of my life. I have done enough victim living in my life and being empowered feels great. Breathing in big…yes. I feel great when I am independent and empowered and being responsible for my life.

- Making it easier on myself by:

Giving myself credit for at least 10 ways I’m supporting myself and being grown up and responsible already so I can see that I’m already good at it and nothing terrible is happening as a result.

- Resistance is saying:

“But if you take responsibility and get grown up and start taking care of stuff you’re going to get super sick again and seriously – you might die. This is not a joking matter. Your body gets freaked out by things you can’t predict (stress) and then it’s very scary. You know this! Really bad things could happen if you grow up and start being responsible. Bad things have already happened in the past when you tried to do this.

It’s way better if you just lay low and don’t engage with other people – especially don’t make promises & commitments with them – and instead, just try to get other people to take care of you if you need extra help. You’re just too fragile and it’s too risky. Please. Just lay low and try to enjoy your life. Don’t try to do anything to different or new or out there. It’s not safe.”

- Me saying to resistance:

Wow…thank you.

I really see why you don’t want me to get into action and take responsibility for myself and work and all that stuff. In the past there has been a lot of hurt and pain around that stuff, so it’s hard to imagine that this time it could be any different. I totally get that.

And at the same time, we can’t live our entire lives like this. Hiding from responsibility and not doing things because we’re afraid. It just doesn’t feel good ya know?

How about if we can find some ways to take little steps toward responsibility and growing up – that aren’t so big that we get sucked into them and then can’t get back out.

I really appreciate that you’re looking out for me. It’s good that you’re here because you’re right, the pattern from the past is scary and I don’t want to repeat it either.

- New Choice:

Appreciating myself.

I am doing so good, it’s not even funny. I don’t require getting into it all here, but man. My life 2 months ago? Shitty. Sick. Dying. My life now? Awesome. Happy. Full of color. Good health.

I choose to give myself this progress and celebrate instead of trying to use it to fuel another crash by just jumping straight into trying to have a relationship with work again just because I feel good again.

Realizing…I may need to tell myself I’m on a vacation. (I haven’t used that word in YEARS!) And mentally just put all this stuff aside. Hmmm.

There has been lots of not working because of illness. But not a lot of not working because of CHOICE.

Huge difference.

It’s way late. Time for Pooh and turning out the lights. Lots to think about for sure.

1) I nowanna find a crappy job that just pays the bills and isn’t any fun.

2) I nowanna deal with my insane neighbor (more on that in the Chicken this week)

I just want things not to be hard for maybe a month or more? Just a month without injury and without crisis. Please?

So many cool people, I feel like I’ve come home!

Thanks, Havi and Selma and all pirates for hosting this fab hotspot!

Which is OK.

There are so many things that I want to do, should do, could do, need to do. But, I am currently in recovery mode from the year of upheaval that was 2009: immigrating to England, with a new relationship (with it’s own special, unexpected problems and stuck) and a new step-daughter and a new job in a new field and needing a new social life (but not having the energy to find this), new language/dialect, new attitudes, and… Just overall a year of NEW and a year of coping and clinging to the hope that all the HARD was worth it for the promise of a shiny future (which is now arriving, slowly).

So, since the period between Christmas now and Chinese New Year is gentle percolating of thoughts, ideas and goals downtime (post about the rhythms of my year and why here http://verdarun.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/wheel-of-the-year/), then I am OK with the iguana of not wanting to think about all the other iguanas.

They’ll gather in their own sweet time.
.-= Karinne´s last post … Changing Gears =-.

I will do ONE load. Maybe at a neighbor’s so I get to chat during it. Reward after? Lying in bed reading DURING THE DAY! Guilt-free!

I will laugh at my laundry iguana. I will be gentle and compassionate with myself because everyone has silly THINGS like this. I hope.

I’m very impressed by all your tax/bookkeeping progress! Its only January! That is AMAZING! YAY for YOU!

Late again – what’s happened to me? :)

Iguana one – Family Feud blog post.

One part wants to totally tell the story.
Another part wants to protect some involved.
But it’ll be great if I tell the whole story.
But I can’t because people will get hurt and it’s not big and I’ll have to be like TOTALLY out of the closet.
But it’ll be great.

Oh. THAT will be why I’m not doing it.

Iguana two – starting video reviews for new presentation blog

I need to not launch the new site til the book is written.
I cannot launch the new site til I’ve done 14 reviews.
I don’t know how I’m going to format the reviews.
I have many other things to do.
I will enjoy it so it must be a time-waster.
If I choose some talks I won’t be choosing others.

Oh. Ok. There’s some pre-pre-pre stuff to think through.

***

Never noticed before that it’s ok to not want to do things I don’t want to do.

You mean I’m still a worthwhile person even if I procrastinate?

Huh.

And it seems that there is a little confusion inside my iguanas – like lots of tiny iguanas chasing each other.

Thank you! Much clearer.
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … My Year of Opening =-.

Late again – what’s happened to me? :)

Iguana one – Family Feud blog post.

One part wants to totally tell the story.
Another part wants to protect some involved.
But it’ll be great if I tell the whole story.
But I can’t because people will get hurt and it’s not big and I’ll have to be like TOTALLY out of the closet.
But it’ll be great.

Oh. THAT will be why I’m not doing it.

Iguana two – starting video reviews for new presentation blog

I need to not launch the new site til the book is written.
I cannot launch the new site til I’ve done 14 reviews.
I don’t know how I’m going to format the reviews.
I have many other things to do.
I will enjoy it so it must be a time-waster.
If I choose some talks I won’t be choosing others.

Oh. Ok. There’s some pre-pre-pre stuff to think through.

***

Never noticed before that it’s ok to not want to do things I don’t want to do.

You mean I’m still a worthwhile person even if I procrastinate?

Huh.

And it seems that there is a little confusion inside my iguanas – like lots of tiny iguanas chasing each other.

Thank you! Much clearer.
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last post … Opening is often about closing – YoO Friday 1/52 =-.

And btw, I think the no-shoulds-should is one of the hardest to deal with, because you get in this weird feedback loop of “I should, no no shoulds, I shouldn’t should, aargh!”

It’s a wonder our heads don’t explode. ;)
.-= Amy Crook´s last post … How is a cartoon like copywriting? =-.

Why I want to finish this evaluation now: It would feel very good to get closure, to be done with all the paperwork for this client who is, after all, no longer on my caseload. Also, yesterday the director of the agency asked me, very politely, “Can you get it done by Friday?” and I said yes.

How to make it easier on myself: Keep hydrated. Listen to fun music. Take breaks to stretch. Ask my sweetie to give me a massage after I’m finished (I just asked him, and he said he would).

Resistance is saying: Dammit dammit DAMMIT why are we STILL working on this crap? And WHY did you say you would have it done by Friday! Why do we have to do this in the evening, after a full day of work and household errands and parenting and and and and! This is supposed to be playtime! I’m TIRED! You hear me? I. Am. TIRED! This is not fair! Not fair not fair not fair not fair RRRRRAWRRRRR!!!

I am saying to my resistance: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. It is not fair that there’s still work to do, when it would feel so good to be able to relax and call it a day. I am so, so sorry. I love you. I also know how hard you’ve been trying to help me with this, and I haven’t given you enough credit. I considered last week’s Iguana a failure because we didn’t finish all three evaluations. I should have called it a success because we worked on them for a solid hour. I keep taking all this work on my shoulders, and then you have to suffer, and of course you’re angry. You’re just trying to help me!

This really is the last one. It’s the longest one, I know, but it’s partly finished. I will do everything I can to make this as pleasant as possible, and whether we finish or not, I will love and appreciate you for your efforts!

My commitment: One hour. Then a good long stretch. Then, we re-negotiate. Whatever the outcome, I will treat myself with kindness and compassion, and not beat myself up for having some very reasonable needs and desires.

Whew!
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Dramatis personae =-.

Yes for tea when it’s over.

Yes to complete emotional breakdown in the middle!

How awesome to read this post and not feel so alone in the I-don’t-wanna-iguana hole. Whew.

Plus… eeeeeek! I get to see you soon. Till then… xo