My Beloved is trying to start a business. I am intensely scared about the very real possibility of losing our home. And being a victim. And repeating my mother’s patterns. And it goes on. So much fear and pain.

This post gave me the insight and reminder I needed on how to communicate with my Beloved and start a conversation that doesn’t pressure her but instead brings us both out into an open safe space.

@Wormy –

–> “One question though – What happens when you know it’s someone else’s stuff, but the way they’re putting it to you feels like you’re going to be taken for granted/ taken advantage of, or generally threatened because they don’t see it as their stuff – they see it as your fault?”

I think in this kind of situation, you want to separate yourself enough to be able to protect yourself.

You can also use NVC in this case to make sure that the other party knows that you are empathizing with them.

“I can tell you were really upset when X happened because you need to know that things here are being taken care of.” Or whatever it is.

You might have to keep doing it, but what you’re basically saying under the surface is that it’s reasonable that they’re feeling what they’re feeling (even if the way they’re taking it out on you isn’t, yes?).

Once they’re ready to listen, you can try voicing your concern as well in a neutral way.

I’m definitely not going to imply that NVC is easy because it’s totally challenging and takes a lot of practice. Just that it’s a really useful system for this kind of situation.

@Leah –
–> “If you’re not feeling guilty or stressed, how do you get anything done? I understand at some level that the stress and guilt isn’t helping anything, but I’m unsure about where the motivation to act comes from without it.”

As long as the motivation is happening in a conscious, active way rather than a passive way … it can be anything that you have a chance of believing.

So it could be encouragement and support, but again, only something that you would trust so as not to create more resistance.

Motivation generally will happen naturally — it kind of rushes in to fill the vacuum left by releasing guilt and criticism. And then you can also actively seek out ways to give yourself steady encouragement and build support systems.

It’s a weird practice, and it’s definitely hard to believe in when all we know is the other way. I know. It sucks.

I like to remind my guilt-criticism patterns: “Guys, you’ve been running the show for more than three decades. Why not give me just a month to try things my way? I can always put you back in charge.”

That usually helps a bit, but it’s definitely a challenging practice and one that we’ll keep going deeper with here. Hope that helps for now.

Management/Relationships by guilt and fear is always going to struggle in creating positive results. You just get a build up of resentment, which usually results in people switching off and losing interest. I see it all to often in day to day life. It truly surprises me that people still practice it.

We need to have more faith in each other. Trust in people’s ability to make choices, they don’t always have to be the right choice either. You should never judge somebody on their mistakes, you should instead encourage and support them to learn from their mistakes.
Very few people intentionally make mistakes and feel horrible when they realised they have done so. The last thing they want is somebody reminding them about.

Humanity can achieve so much when energised by believe, rather than demoralised by fear. Everyone should get out there and start believing in each others ability to do good.

And then I thought, unconditional love, right? So if the person I really want to see succeeding is reaching his goals, I’ll still love him and tell him so. And if he fails miserably and crashes, I’ll still love him and tell him so. And if he ends up doing nothing for weeks on end, I’ll still love him.

To me, separating the consequence from the emotion might be the key. If he fails and crashes, we need to think of a way to get our bills paid, and that would naturally include him finding a job. I’ll still love him, it’s just the way it works. If he does nothing, we’ll need to find out why and go from there, and I’ll be there with my loving support every step of the way.

And the whole love-based motivation thing – can’t wait to hear more. Thank you!

Sari O.s last blog post..Journaling vs. Impro

I had more to say, but I got tired. d:

Kyelis last blog post..Introducing Book Bonanza Wednesdays! Chapter 1: The usual error

Even though I remember being on the side of resisting others’ expectations of me, I’m much more aware (right now, at least) of my pattern of placing expectations on others.

I’m so glad you highlighted LeAnne’s comment, because I missed it when I was reading the previous post.

And seeing LeAnne’s words shined a spotlight on some of my own patterns in this area.

Uncomfortable, but in a good way.

Can’t wait to read more of what you have to say about this.

Victoria Brouhards last blog post..Saturn’s Karmic Finger #2 – Resisting Reality

One question though – What happens when you know it’s someone else’s stuff, but the way they’re putting it to you feels like you’re going to be taken for granted/ taken advantage of, or generally threatened because they don’t see it as their stuff – they see it as your fault?

and my secret confession for today? My newly purchased Dance of Shiva (I got the DVD today – whoo hoo, THANK YOU) package was purchased in a hope that I’ll stop hating doing my coursework and having a big panic over it. Y’know, along with all the other epiphanies that’ll be happening along the way and on top of the general awesomeness it sounds like. Who knows? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

Wormys last blog post..Vulnerability + Intense Scrutiny = Heightened Sensitivity.

Leahs last blog post..Yay! More Calendars Available!

What’s been bothering me, being kind of the person in the middle, is how to communicate gently with both of them. She’s supposed to do exercises to prevent bone deterioration and improve her pain levels, and of course she doesn’t really want to do them.

This has given me some ideas for the next time I visit and how to gently approach the tension that sits between them. I can deal with where both of them are without actually getting annoyed at them for being so alike and very much mother and son at each other.

Thank you.

Joely Blacks last blog post..Actually, it has nothing to do with cows

So I’m going to stick with just one or two that I find to be the most powerful for myself and for my clients.

1. Curiosity. Woohoo, if there was just one thing in this world that can CHANGE EVERYTHING, it’s open-hearted, open-minded, passionate curiosity. When we get curious about something, it’s an invitation to learn, have fun, grow, break down barriers, drop assumptions and expectations, and on and on. Oh, yeah! :)

2. The beauty of letting everything be as it is – and the ways in which action arises from that place. Yum. If you’ve never experienced this, you may be rolling your eyes – I know I sure did before I started hanging out there. And I don’t even know how to begin to explain how wonderful it is to – for instance – just sit for a moment in stillness and ask myself what the next *true* thing is that wants attention. It never fails me, as long as I’m tuned into what’s *really* true, rather than what the “shoulds” or “responsibilities” or “what will they think” voices are saying.

Ahhh, yes. Happy Monday, everyone!