One big, messed-up if/then that I think most of us have is “if I mess up — whatever I perceive that to be — then I had better start suffering.” Maybe that’s just because I live in New England, which has hundreds of years of expiatory suffering under its belt, but really?

Other phrases that tip me off that I’m probably drawing connections that have more to do with my stuff than my truth: “deserve” — as in I deserve X, which I think usually means if I am good in whatever way, then I am worthy of care/comfort/feeling good — and “the kind of person who” — as in if I did the thing, then I’d be the kind of person who acts irresponsibly and ends up destitute and friendless.

Making “The Ask” itself a success is brilliant way of dealing with this kind of stuckness.

Thanks a lot for giving me one more piece (or peace?) of freedom.

Jens

Love it!

Amy Mommaertss last blog post..Art as Mental Therapy

Wormys last blog post..Ummmm, Nonsense

The Ask pushed my buttons. A warning bell rang off in my head, and I suspect I’m avoiding something. I’m no good at asking for help, or assistance. I assume I have to do everything myself. Saying “I’m not sure I can do this alone” bugs me.

Then something else comes up. I’ve been asking for help with My Issues, when a voice in my head says that’s not what I need to deal with. By constantly working on my issues I’m avoiding getting on with my life, and doing the whole thing – the making it real thing. I came to understand that recently but this has really brought it home.

I’ve been nervous about asking over the publishing, the “let’s do this” partly because the whole Being Published terrifies me, and I’m not sure about receiving that kind of acknowledgement. There’s also a worry that I’ll just get the same advice I’ve always had. The advice I know so well and could rattle off back to anybody who cared to listen. This is the advice that doesn’t work, or isn’t really relevant. The advice that makes me think “I’m doing it wrong, but my instinct says I’m making the right decision here.”

Some people used to say I should self-publish, but it never felt right. I know from experience if a thing doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

On not asking and getting, I’m very good. Maybe I’m talented at asking without it seeming like asking. People volunteer. It’s very strange.

Another of my If/Then issues is taking action and getting a result. There’s a great deal out there about taking endless amounts of action, even if it causes you great pain. Somebody told me if I really wanted to be published I’d cut off my right arm to do it (making writing harder, at the same time) and be prepared to really put myself through hell for it. I thought, but that’ll only make me hate writing.

My abiding life experience is that you can never know that a specific action will lead to a given result, even if you repeat it a billion times. In fact, the obvious action has never worked for me. I’ve never been successful applying for a job, for example. They don’t even look at me. So I stopped doing that. Agents came to me instead and then I found I never failed an interview. Now I don’t even have to interview for contracts.

I’m also, peculiarly in this instance, frightened of listening to my internal voice. Its effectiveness in the past is 100%, but in the case of the writing I have a habit of thinking it must be wrong. Gradually, I’m reminding myself of all the times it’s been right, and that this is what works for me.

Oh yes, and I have Big Issues with receiving.

Joely Blacks last blog post..Where do you have your best revelations?

Avitals last blog post..Journaling Prompt #25 – Get Inspired By The Fall And Shed YOUR Leaves

I tend to go back and forth between periods of being able to ask without fear, and periods where I’m afraid to ask anyone for anything. One day I’m afraid to even ask my husband for a kiss, and the next day I’ll fearlessly ask Seth Godin to write an intro to my next book. (Those are both a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point, right?)

Other times I’ll go ahead and ask, but then worry that I’ve overstepped my bounds. I’ll worry every minute until I get a response, and then decide how I actually feel about having asked. (My email to you was one of those. It turns out that I’m glad I emailed you. Whew!)

Anyway, that’s a whole long rambly way of saying, “Great point, great post, and thanks for letting me know about it!” : )

Caroles last blog post..Before you send that email. . . .