The Fluent Self » updates & announcements

Friday Chicken #183: It’s not that kind of preschool, Zach.

Havi Brooks — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:01:59 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Hey, Friday. Good to see you.

I’m getting better at remembering how this works.
Slowly, slowly.

Friday is picking up the Mercury. Friday is closing tabs. Friday is stretching to candlelight. I like you, Friday.

The hard stuff

The weekend.

The weekend was just really, really hard.

I’m going to silent retreat on the details, but hard hard hard hard.

Things that are lost and keep staying lost.

What an awful feeling.

Especially when you’re beyond beyond beyond beyond tired. Because then you can’t even begin to retrace your steps or figure out where something lost might be, or if it ever was there to begin with.

Not having a document that I need.

And then uncovering an old, painful stuck pattern at play that I totally thought was taken care of.

Not feeling strong.

There’s a certain vibrancy or vitality that cannot be present during depletion, and this is not fun for me.

My body really wants to move, and it’s also not ready to yet.

See also: that one dance class where I single-handedly demonstrated what it looks like to crash and burn ridiculously hard in public. With style!

When one thing isn’t working with my body, all the other forms and structures that hold my life together change too. Still trying to figure this one out. Getting closer, but sometimes close isn’t enough.

An uncomfortable realization.

It doesn’t translate well.

But basically….

Things are like this! I want them to be like that! But this is not news! But I still don’t like it! But I haven’t found a way out yet!

So this is what I’ll be playing with this week. Skipping stones, writing an OOD, finding out what I need to move through this.

The good stuff

The lost things found themselves.

They just appeared.

It was bizarre, but I am happy about it.

The superpower of Not Being Even Slightly Worried About Anything.

It didn’t come in the form that I was hoping for, but it’s still a really big deal.

At least now I know what that feels like. And the next step is to recreate that sensation without the accompanying tired.

Better news than I had even dared to hope for.

The bully from the Playground building is gone.

For good.

And I didn’t even have to do anything.

He removed himself.

The lease for the new space: it is so very close to signing!

Everything is looking great. The last round of lease negotiations went well, and I am feeling very excited. YAY!

Physical therapy.

That’s what Metaphor Mouse has me calling massage lately, so that I’ll actually set it up and make it happen.

Anyway, I had a spectacularly great physical therapy session this week.

Related: metaphor mousing saved my week.

I got lots of metaphor help this week, and it changed everything.

Meditation (something I love but often avoid) is now glow sitting.

LIstening to a yoga nidra recording is now internal sparkling.

Playlists for teaching are now secret soundtracks.

The process of “setting expectations” is now coming into the Practice Studio.

Anyway, metaphor mouse is how I got things done this week. And now I’m doing more of what I like, since changing all the names.

Spending time with my body and giving it loving attention.

A gorgeous partner yoga session (with Danielle as my partner).

Long, slow, old Turkish lady yoga at the Playground.

Magical, deep, circular yoga using symbols and words, also at the Playground. Something I invented after doing Shiva Nata. It was beautiful.

Progress.

Learning much more about how I want to live.

And about what needs to change.

Coming up with the perfect metaphor for that.

A brilliant session with Carolyn (remember when we had hackers?), and then help from Cairene too.

Also this helped me put up my castle in the Wish Room, and that made everything better.

Presents for the Playground!

Thank you thank you, everyone.

Extra thank yous to Laura and Foxy Jess!

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

I am Resistance Mouse!.

The second time I got fired.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is brought to you by Max, who is amazing, and who was at the last Rally (Rally!).

Sequencing the Chipmunk Genome.

They’re really loud. Except when they’re not.

And yes, rest assured that it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

You still have a chance to make it to a Rally (Rally!) in either March or June. Or September. Pretty much everything else is sold out.
There’s still HALF OFF on tuition for the magical Floating Playground. Good through February 5. That’s already Sunday, impossible as that sounds. Being at the Floop will be like Rallying Rally all the time.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #182: I believe in sandwich gnomes.

Havi Brooks — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 20:42:18 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Okay, this is getting to be a little ridiculous. Time, stop with the flying. I cannot believe it is Friday.

But apparently it is. Again!

The hard stuff

The one night where there was no back to sleep.

Morning began for me at one thirty. That is to say, not very long after midnight.

And it stayed morning.

And at 5:52 that song came on and it was really too much.

Overdoing.

Working way too hard, preparing way too hard, wanting way too hard.

So tired that I couldn’t remember people’s names.

This never happens, because it’s one of my superpowers.

It was disorienting and alarming and generally not fun.

Zombie fog.

I don’t really have anything else to say about that.

If it hadn’t been for the sandwich gnomes, I might have fallen apart completely.

Waiting.

It is not the thing I am best at.

Sadness.

Also not the thing I am best at.

That one horrible thing that was horrible.

I’ll silent retreat on that.

Rally goes by way too unfairly ridiculously fast, you guys!

It was Rally this week. Rally!

And I LOVE Rally and it always ends too soon.

The good stuff

Making things congruent.

Like deleting thirty numbers from phone. And renaming other ones. Sneakiness!

Like depiling a hundred piles of iguanas and doom.

Like revising my system of Anthologies.

Ohmygod Season Opener ohmygodohmygod GNR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been going out of my mind waiting for roller derby season to start up again.

It’s a lot of fun running trainings for the team I fanatically sponsor/support/live-for, but you know what’s really fun?

Watching them TEAR IT APART in an actual bout. Guns N Rollers destroyed the Heathers at the season opener, and I was proud and happy.
And here’s Amanda’s awesome recap, if you want it broken down.

It’s been a looooong time coming. I really needed that.

Our new drafts (Frank N Hurter and Scouts OnHer) looked amazing, I could not be more ecstatic about having Braidy Punch on the team this year, and everyone managed to do a lot of damage and have a good time. It was spectacular.

I have been happy about this all week, and I will CONTINUE to be happy about this for years.

And Juno made us scarves!

Juno!

Remind me to post a picture of Selma in her tiny little GNR scarf. It is adorable.

Lots of wonderful old Turkish lady yoga.

Happy happy happy rolling around on the floor.

Yay for being (theoretically/symbolically) old and Turkish.

The day of done.

One of the reasons I’m so wiped out is because two days this week were the DAYS OF GETTING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF STUCK THINGS UNSTUCK AND DONE.

That was brilliant.

The Mirror Pool page.

I have been working on the Mirror Pool since September.

It is, among other things, the self-guided entrance exam-that-is-not-at-all-an-exam-but-actually-a-door for my new Floating Playground program.

I needed this page to be an experience. I needed it to be able to teach and to love and to reflect and transform, to set culture and release expectations at the same time. I needed it to do all sorts of things. And I needed it to do MAGIC.

It was a ton of work, and just reading the mirror pool page is basically the equivalent of a graduate program in destuckifying. In fact, if you were to use it as a training manual, which you totally could, it would be worth your entire tuition just for that.

Anyway, getting it ready for the public (and getting me ready to show it to the public) was a big, important process. And this week it happened.

7500 words. We ask people to give it an hour of undivided attention and process, with conscious entry and exit. It’s INTENSE.

But it does the thing it was meant to do. And that, in and of itself, is extraordinary.

The beautiful things people have said about the Mirror Pool page.

Thank you to everyone who emailed and DMed to say how powerful/beautiful/transcendent the experience of visiting the Mirror Pool was.

I cannot even tell you how much I appreciate that.

The Floating Playground is already close to full!

Despite the fact that I have hardly done anything at all to tell people about the fact that it exists.

This is a very good sign.

Rally (Rally!)

This week was Rally (Rally!), and Rally was sublime.

Rally #16 was full of shining, beautiful wonderful surprises, and I madly love every single person who was there.

It was absolutely magical, and I don’t know what to say other than that. Mmmm, Rally glow.

The Enthusiastic.

We convened a fabulous Enthusiastic at Rally, and it was the most fun and inspiring experience.

A thing I thought was going to be really hard turned out to be really great!

And now I don’t need to spend today getting the Playground ready for the sparkling cleaning Heinzelmaennchen.

(Related: I am a supergenius! Though, yes, it took being very-much-not-a-supergenius fifteen times in a row in order to get to that point.)

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

Anna wrote beautifully about a music-related Shiva Nata epiphany: you should definitely read this.
You guys! Steph is amazing! She made these gorgeous scarves that will be for sale in the Playground Toy Shop. Excitment! I will buy the first one and wear mine the second it arrives.
Also she has the best tagline ever: I knit so I don’t kill people.
Loved the drawing in this sweet post from a blog reader: Logistics Me is 400 pounds and is sitting on top of Adventure Me.
Here are some notes from the monster manual. And did you see this drawing?! I love it when people post pictures of their colored-in monsters!
She said very seriously, Max I’m so sorry I can’t talk right now – I have to pay total attention to this cake.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

My stuck isn’t talking and also there is a trapeze.

What is true? What else is true?

Internal Courtroom Drama.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is brought to you via Rally #16!

Emergency Little Book of Poems

They play quiet, sweet little pieces, lots of harmonies.

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Early brunch prices on the Floating Playground (aka the Floop!) are good for TWO MORE DAYS. January 29 is the last day for that. That’s Sunday.
If you want to come to a Rally (Rally!) this year, do it! Most of the 2012 Rallies are already full. There are openings in March, May, July and September.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #181: wocka wocka vs foo-foo-foo

Havi Brooks — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:14:47 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This week absolutely zooooomed by.

I’m not even sure how that happened.

And it felt like a pretty good week after these past few extra-extra-challenging ones.

(And everyone breathes a sigh of IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME.)

Anyway, let’s do this. Let’s see what happened.

The hard stuff

So much going on.

The mind. It boggles.

Endings.

They’re a big deal.

Even when you think you’re ready.

Transitions can involve a lot of work.

This weekend was the end of three years of running my Kitchen Table program, an amazing online community of smart, creative, good-hearted people.

Surprisingly, I felt really comfortable and unconflicted about the ending: I am ready for the new thing, and the new thing holds many of the beautiful qualities of the old thing, but it is new and different. And this is the time for exiting.

But transitions are still hard. And sometimes exhausting. There was also a lot of work involved with this particular ending.

Related: I worked the whole weekend, and that sucked.

I try to not work weekends, and last weekend was nothing but work.

And this was not a good way to enter the week, so…. never doing that again. You heard it here first!

Oh, iguanas. Why must you be so iguana-like?

This week had giant piles of iguana and doom, except without the doom.

But definitely iguanas. Or things that were not iguanas but I feared that they were, and so I kind of accidentally turned them into iguanas.

Anxious about a meeting.

The meeting actually went brilliantly, but I had to work through a lot of my own crap to get to the point of being ready for it.

Lots of preparing for the voyage, which was lovely and important. But I got to see what I’m afraid of, and that wasn’t always pretty.

A very tiny misunderstanding.

It got sorted out quickly, but in the moment when it happened… so painful.

Ugh buying clothes is the worst. For me!

So I went out to get clothes for the Director (who is a version of slightly future me).

Gaaaaaaaaaaah. I am so disastrously bad at this.

I never know what to do. Or what anyone is saying.

And it reminds me of my first semester of university in Tel Aviv when I took a course on archaeology and didn’t understand half the class because guess what there are a ridiculous number of words for types of pots.

So of course people at shops always want to know if you prefer a skinny-leg something-something or a slouchy wocka wocka or a boyfriend-style foo-foo-foo, and I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.

And then I feel stupid and lost. It’s horrible.

Also why have shops been full of ruffled things for the past however many years? When will it stop?!

I generally tend to self-identify as kind of a low-to-medium femme (maybe even someone who could pass as high femme under duress?), but really I would rather walk around in my underwear than be covered in ruffles and frilly bits.

Although my Partner-in-Crime lent me her sweater so I could look like a grown-up at a meeting, and it had ruffles and I was the cutest grown-up ever, so possibly I need to be less harsh in my anti-ruffle stance.

Anyway, feh. Clothes-buying. I just want to have them magically appear in my closet and skip the whole process.

The good stuff

I got four incredibly hard things done on Friday and Saturday.

Things that I wasn’t able to do over the past several weeks, even though they were really taking up a lot of space in my mind.

It felt so good to have that piece finished.

Coming to a decision about something that had been stuck.

I know what I want now.

And I’m okay with wanting it. That feels great.

Bryan!

Remember when I put out a very personal ad post asking for Long, Slow & Deep? And Gaye sent it to me!

This week was the week of doing yoga with Bryan in my living room.

And it was exactly, exactly, exactly what I needed.

Actually, there was lots of yoga this week. Paul-style non-sucky yoga. Some psoas-intensity with Jill. And of course old Turkish lady yoga at the Playground.

Massive progress on the Wish Room.

My much-neglected home office now has lovely periwinkle walls.

And lots and lots of cushions.

Progress!

Congruence. Tiny, baby steps count. For a lot.

I threw things out.

Moved them around.

Change. It’s time.

Many steps closer to the director.

There was an outrageously fruitful meeting with our magical and aptly-named realtor Hope.

I noticed some apologetic shoulder-shruggy appeasement patterns from then that were getting in the way, and this helped me rewrite a letter to make it much more sovereign and in present time.

And now the Director has something to wear. Also a new wallet. Plus her winter boots arrived.

She is closer! it’s all closer!

The boots. Ohmylord the boots.

Guess how many women were in the bathroom on pub night? Guess how many asked me where I got my boots? Yes, it is the same number.

Seriously I cannot even describe how amazing — and Director-like! — the new boots are. The ones that I have been trying to work up the courage to get for her since August.

They’re here. They’re incredible. And I’m not sharing pictures yet because I can’t bear the thought of anyone else ever having them. Sorry.

Getting HELP with the clothing thing.

My friend Rebecca does not find clothing-buying traumatic, but thinks it’s fun. Yet again I am reminded of that familiar piece of Paul-Grilley-truth: people vary!

Anyway, Rebecca is the best. Rebecca took me out on a shopping excursion.

And this was marvelous because she translated for me and told me what to try on and knew all my sizes and was right about everything. Everything.

Plus I knew she was enjoying herself and not suffering along with me.

Also I discovered that it’s actually fun to get clothes for the Director, because my monsters actually want me to be investing in her (if anything, they’re upset about how I don’t respect her enough, even though of course they’re still against the purchasing of clothing for regular me).

Another lovely thing to discover: the Director has fabulously strong opinions. So everything is a clear yes or no. This is great, because when I get stuff for myself, the whole process always feels so doubt-filled and unsure.

Triple-yay.

Saved by the OOD.

Every time I hit a wall this week, the OOD made a new door.

The walk-through.

We did a more formal walk-through of the new Playground space.

With a giant entourage. Me, the First Mate, Partner-in-Crime, Hope the realtor-of-love, architect, plumber, electrician.

And some significantly-more-invisible friends.

It felt really good.

I know a lot more now about how this is going to work, and I’m excited!

A thing I’d thought was going to be crappy turned out to be fine.

That’s all I want to say about that, but yay.

(Also many thanks to Robin for giving me the word egregore, which is such a more beautiful and efficient way to describe something that generally takes me several paragraphs to sum up.)

End of an era.

After three years of running my Kitchen Table program, it came time for deconstruction. As in: taking apart the old and letting the new patterns come into form.

It was time. I was ready. And it feels right.

Also this meant that I had TWO EXTRA HOURS EVERY DAY THIS WEEK!!! Sorry that I’m shouting. It was a really big deal. And way, way, way less of people’s stuff being projected into my space.

I feel the same way I did when I first went on email sabbatical three years ago: Everything is different now.

And also: Who knew there was so much space?

Sweet sweet sleep.

No waking up at 3am this week. Except once.

HUZZAH!

I did it.

My imaginary personal trainer took me through her hardest workout, threatening-promising to break me in half.

And I made it. Bruce Wayne is proud. It was an awesome moment.

Rally starts on Monday!

There is nothing in the entire world that I like better than Rally (Rally!), and we are about to set off on that crazy gorgeous hilarious voyage again.

I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen there.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

A letter from future me to me on my birthday, and now I’m almost there again.
You don’t need to take the leap. (May, 2009)
This one about planning without planning — it’s important.
Also: we don’t need to be big. People forget this.
Preparing for the arrival of a thing you really want.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band:

Subterranean Power Grab

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

I can always tell when people have the monster coloring book (and manual!) by the way they self-destuckify as their stuff comes up. It’s a combination of graciousness, curiosity and permission that is absolutely amazing to watch. I recommend this.
The whisper-brunch is happening for October’s Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage! (password: haulaway). I still need to put up the Over-the-Moonials from last year. Though it’s probably going to be full before I get around to that.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #180: thrice substicushioned!

Havi Brooks — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:21:23 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I am inordinately pleased about week ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY in a row.

That’s because past-me (hi, sweetie!) from a hundred chickens or so decided to create a blueprint for chickening.

And, as a joke, she named the blueprint template thing Friday Chicken #180. Because that seemed like a million years away.

So each week I pull out the blueprint and save it as the chicken of the week and fill in my hard and my good. And I change the number to the correct one and add a title (which is the hardest part of chickening).

But guess what? We’re here. Chicken #180. And I didn’t have to update the number. Though maybe now I’ll change the blueprint to 280.

The hard stuff

OHMYGOD EVERYTHING.

This week was full of some incredibly challenging moments for me.

There were fits and tantrums. Many of them.

And lots of tears.

And some shaking of fists.

I got mad. And I don’t get mad very often but yes. This was worth getting mad over.

Monday night.

Monday night was the TWENTY FOURTH night in a row of not-sleep.

I mean, there is sleep. But with waking up every hour and with nightmares and with not falling back asleep.

And I was doing all the things that work but they weren’t working, and this was a new situation, and it was torture and I was done.

Nonfunctioning because of the tiredness emergency.

I got to really experience what it’s like when you cannot do.

And when you cannot not do.

Because all of it is one awful horrible fog of doom.

Nothing gets done.

It can’t.

Not when you’re so disconnected.

Nothing is working.

Normally when everything hurts, I run away to my uncle in the woods and rest up.

But this time that didn’t work. It always works!

And a bunch of other things that always work didn’t work. That’s because everything is changing. And transitions are hard. And I’m still discovering what the new things are.

And dancing, which also always helps, didn’t help because it turns out that when I’m crazy-malfunctioning-tired, my body won’t dance either.

I was sadface mouse about all of this and so much more.

Not being able to get things done because of the stupid card thing.

So two weeks ago (as you may remember from Chickens past), our business credit card was compromised.

And this was the week it was supposed to arrive.

Bills, expenses, orders, merchant payments, it all needed to happen this week and we didn’t have the card.

Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!

So many crappy things this week! So many! Rawr!

The endless recushioning and substicushioning.

Forcibly being substicushioned is my new phrase for this situation that I cannot stand which kept repeating itself this week.

The this-is-the-example situation: I bought a giant expensive red cushion but then it turned out they’d given me the brown one.

Which was fine because the brown looked great in my office, but I still felt frustrated: we’d agreed on red, they wrote down red, we said red at the storeroom, I watched the woman write it down on the form. So how come brown.

We agreed that the our lease on the new Playground space would begin March 1st and then the start date was pushed back by two months with no recognition, apologies or consideration for how this impacts our plans. The new date is also fine. Starting in May gives me more time to plan.

But I also feel frustrated and anxious because there’s no acknowledgement of the fact that this is something other than what was emphatically agreed upon at our last meeting.

We agreed I was paying for red! We clearly said March 1st! I don’t need a a red cushion. I don’t need the date moved back to March. But I feel upset. I want to be ASKED for input: “Hey, is it okay if we give you brown because we’re out of red? Hey, we want to move the lease two months so how would you feel about that?”

So I’m calling that being substicushioned. Unauthorized recushioning! And it happened like, ten different times this week in various formats. And I am really in my stuff about this, and feeling vulnerable. So that’s what I’ll be processing over the weekend and next week.

* Thank you, Shannon, for the word.

It’s time for a new sherriff in town.

I didn’t want that job but someone’s going to have to take it. And it will be me if no one else does. We’ll see what happens this week.

The short version is that the situation with the bully in our building has come to a head.

I invest endless time, love and money in the physical home of my company, and I am done.

Blowing! Off! Steam!

Also, this entire situation would be way easier to deal with were I not completely exhausted. So there’s that too.

Uncertainty.

When is the new Playground space going to be available? When will I be able to tell you guys about the new things? Is it even possible for people to take ownership for their stuff and their experience? It works at the physical Playground but can it work online?

These are the questions that I have been working through over this long, hard, exhausting, fascinating week.

The good stuff

Toozday.

On Tozday everything crashed and then it couldn’t crash anymore.

I broke down and got homeopathic stuff even though I have Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about this and try to avoid it.

The wonderful Shannon (graduate of Crossing the Line — she can tell you how amazing it was!) came by the Playground and did a magical hypnosis session for me.

Toozday night I finally slept. And then Wednesday night I really slept. The whole! Night! Through!

Sleeps! Sleeps!

SLEEP IS THE BEST.

Sleep, you guys. I highly recommend it. Everything is better when it is there.

Everything is okay.

Yes, it is.

It just is.

I learned that this week and I knew it in my bones, and this was wonderful.

Everything is okay!

And: everything that is against me is an illusion.

I finally wrote the thing I had been putting off writing.

I wanted to tell my Kitchen Table about what I’ve learned about leadership over the past three years of running the program.

But then I couldn’t.

And finally I could. It worked. Relief and joy!

We got the lease. Joyful jumping for the new space!

We got the lease. There is going to be a new beautiful Playground in addition to the current one.

Even though the date was pushed back by two months without anyone asking how we felt about that, we got the lease.

We still haven’t signed, and are working through a couple small details, but this feels so much closer to the new gigantic space and the new things we’ll be doing there.

This is the best!

Friends.

Wonderful friends.

Especially Briana and Shannon and the gentleman.

Things that keep me sane.

Dance class. Once I’d slept. YAY DANCE.

Yoga. Breathing. Shiva Nata.

Hiding. Nesting. Reflecting.

Stretching. Crying.

Conversations and negotiations with walls and monsters.

RAWR-ing. Stone skipping.

All of it.

My wish room.

The useful part about discovering all the things I am DONE with this week was that I realized it is time to take care of my wish room.

That’s my home office that I pretty much always avoid.

So I bought a throne for it. Not really a throne. It has a brown cushion instead of a red cushion, but it is still a kick-ass throne.

And the gentleman took down the shelves and is going to repaint!

Again, everything is okay.

Just when I start to worry that maybe it isn’t, I am reminded by all the ways that it is.

It is only lack of sleep that makes it seem like it isn’t .

But look, all the things I need are right here. Just where they always were.

I can trip over them or I can make homes for them. So I’m making homes.

Roller derby workshop!

Taught another Shiva Nata workshop for the team I sponsor last night.

It was awesome. We were gearing up for the season opener.

Unrelenting domination! (That was position 1:6 for you shivanauts out there).

Anyway, fun! We wore costumes. We flailed it up. Epiphanies, they are happening.

I have a polar bear and I don’t know why!

The cutest polar bear ever. Schmoo! Adorable.

Apparently whilst I was in the throes of Extreme Sleep Deprivation (which I still am, retroactively, but it was way worse then), I announced to the world one morning — very emphatically — that I needed a polar bear.

The gentleman got me one. It is the softest and the snuggliest and has the most intense expression. Fierce, but also curious.

I am not sure why I thought I needed a polar bear. To be honest, I don’t even really remember declaring to anyone who would listen that having one was necessary and vital to my life.

But this makes me happy. Polar bear. MINE. His name is Darlington Sloth. He likes to be scratched under his right ear. And I also call him Paws for short. Paws!

I am learning the things I need to learn.

Part of what made this past week so challenging was not knowing what the useful part was.

But now I know. Got it. Onto the next piece.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

I didn’t read much this week but I want to share with you Pauline’s beautiful piece about the greatest pain.

What a courageous and accurate description:

Oh my goodness the pain.
Sometimes very, very quiet but burning and then explosive and needing kettle drums, full orchestra and choir, requiem to acknowledge the sheer bursting massive scale of it.
I thought walking in the stormy winds this week would be powerful enough to make some impression on it, but there’s been nothing strong enough to match it. Storms rage outside me and it rages within me.
And my goodness that is good stuff.
To let the pain meet its match in force, in music, and see that it’s allowed to be as strong as it is.
See that I’m not frightened of it, that it won’t kill me, that it’s going to be allowed full expression and need not be less than it is for fear of my not being able to bear it.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

74 ways to push the reset button.

When you run into some PTSD.

And again again again, how to not be in wheel-grinding mode, which I could link to every single week.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is possibly-probably related to Ludicrous Fear Popcorn…

They’re called:

Terrified of Pi

And that pretty much sums it up.

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

You’ll need the Art of Embarking if you want to join the Floating Playground. Or any of the things we’ll be doing in 2012.
I’ll be sending out the announcement about the Floating Playground really soon, to everyone on the Havi’s Announcing a Thing list (you can sign up on the events page).

I think that’s everything. If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #179: Haul away, Chicken Joe!

Havi Brooks — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:27:09 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I am away on my exiting adventure, and most of the hard and good in my week has to do with that.

So let’s see. The first Chicken of two thousand and twelve.

How are we doing so far?

The hard stuff

Sleep stuff as yet unresolved.

Last night was the first night in nearly two weeks that I made it through the night.

It’s been a tired, cranky, foggy time.

And made worse by the fact that normally I know what to do about foggy.

But when I’m tired, and I assume that the fog is a tired-fog, then I forget to do the normal defogging things.

Not explaining that very well. Anyway, exhausted and foggy. That was most of this week, and it sucked.

Fireworks on new year’s eve.

I am not very good at explosions, and I wasn’t expecting to be woken up by a thousand of them (and accompanying drunken screeching) on new year’s.

Between that and the fact that I hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, we had a nice little round of PTSD to work through.

Setting boundaries.

One of the many useful, true and eternally frustrating things that I have learned from being consciously alive is this:

Intentionally setting strong, healthy boundaries is the most compassionate and important thing that you can do. And not just for you, but for everyone in your world.

However, rigorous scientific study by me has shown that most people don’t like it when you do it.

Even when it’s best for them and for the greater good and for everyone involved.

So that can be uncomfortable and not fun, which makes it kind of unappealing. Except that if you don’t do it, then everything gets even worse.

Waiting.

Ball in other court.

Drum fingernails and try not to go into monster-ey worst case scenarios.

Patience and trust are qualities I’m still learning to get closer to.

Running out of whatever I seem to want in that moment.

Cheese emergency! Glue stick emergency! Licorice tea emergency!

This was a reflection of some of the other stuff I was going through, and it was interesting to observe. Or would have been if I hadn’t already been so wrecked from not sleeping.

Got some good epiphanies after the fact, but while it was happening I was looking at all the wrong patterns.

Stupid horrible new year’s day.

So yes, I was in PTSD mode, and in my stuff. But aaaaaaaaggggghh.

Paper cut of doom on the side of my hand (that kept splitting open and hurting all week). Banged head on a door. Everything falling apart and falling apart and falling apart some more.

How many times can I fall apart in one week?

More than you’d think.

All of this exit and identify shifting and thresholds is hard work, you guys.

Giant pain over a misunderstanding.

Ow ow ow ow.

The good stuff

I’m OUT OF THE OFFICE, ohmygod ohmygod it finally happened.

For the first time since forever, I am not around.

And being not around is the best.

The best!

Recovery is a pain, but at least having time and space to be with it is helpful.

I’m at Svevo’s.

My uncle Svevo is my favorite person in the world, and going to visit him in the woods is the best way for me to escape.

There is nothing but trees and trees and trees.

It is marvelous. I needed this.

Oh, the Almanac.

I have been learning all sorts of things about my relationship with January, for the Almanac.

And one thing I learned is that I often have sleep issues in January.

So having all this information about what not to do (and what is just cyclical stuff) made me feel better.

New Year’s Eve was exactly what I wanted.

My partner in crime and I spent pretty much the entire day of the 31st at the Playground, doing Reflectings and planting qualities.

Then the gentleman and I went out to a bar for happy hour and pizza and more gwish-plantings.

Then we all did our little rituals together and then early to bed.

Company.

My partner-in-crime was of great help while I was falling apart, and then we were able to take turns.

Knowing what I want.

That helps.

Trying on shoes for the Director.

I didn’t find the shoes I wanted, but at least now I know that the Director (aka incoming me) has really strong opinions about what she likes.

That was a lovely and enormously reassuring thing to discover.

Dragon wings!

I don’t have a picture yet, sadly. But Liz — a delightful person I met at Rally (Rally!), knitted me a pair of HOT PINK dragon wings.

They arrived on one of those days when I had forgotten why I do what I do, and then I remembered.

Nests.

I have been learning all sorts of things about nests, and this is a proxy but it is also not a proxy.

And this has been very useful.

Yesterday I learned that sometimes a nest is already there, and all you have to do is make a little opening so that you can enter it.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

The one about dealing with loss, and how it is normal and okay to grieve the loss of something that you don’t even want.

Ten times why.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is a techno group with salsa influences.

European Spy Dust

They kind of remind me of Pink Floyd, though I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the laser light shows and the floating pigs.

But yes, it turns out that it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

The calendars are sold out, so if you need a fix of adorable with your destuckification, the monster coloring book is your best bet. Plus it’s required material for the Floating Playground.
We are now half full for Crossing the Line: the 8 Day Voyage (password: haulaway). And I still haven’t announced it. Or put up the amazing stories of what happened to everyone who came last time.
Rally (Rally!) — a bunch more Rallies sold out so there are only four Rallies that you can apply for: March, June, July and September.

I think that’s everything. If not, I’ll add to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #178: strengthening elixir, anyone?

Havi Brooks — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 22:09:46 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I am baffled — baffled — about the Friday already being here. Who says it’s Friday? That’s crazy talk.

This week has been disorientingly busy and full. Let’s see…

The hard stuff

Sleep stuff.

Not having it, to be specific.

And waking up obscenely early, even for me.

And no nap time whatsoever.

Unpleasant hormonal side effects.

See above.

I was a sleepy, groggy, cranky, sluggish, self-disliking, unattractive-feeling, irritable lump for a few days, and oh, that’s always fun.

Didn’t I say that last year was the last time for ending the year in a state of burnout?

Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa.

I’ll look at that one when I’m not so tired.

Credit card number got stolen.

Fortunately the bank caught it right away and we canceled the card.

But it’s that uncomfortable, vulnerable feeling. Like with the hackers.

I had to process a lot of old grief related to money pain.

And also I’m fairly pissed off about a variety of administrative problems this has caused us.

Transitions.

All this in-between.

Ending things and starting others, and in the meantime so many details of each to sort out.

Overwhelmed.

I don’t feel like talking about this, so…. silent retreat on this one!

I way overscheduled this week and didn’t even realize it.

My capacity for going places and doing things is so much less than I imagine it to be.

And this seems to be getting even more extreme as time goes by.

So I get better at estimating, but then I still need so much more time for myself than I used to that it doesn’t matter.

Can’t you see my vision?!

This outrageously awesome thing is happening in my business, and my business partner cannot see how it is a good thing, when it is so clear that this new opportunity is overflowing with good.

I see it and trust it and know it and love it, and he can only see the darkness and fog of his imagination, and this is the MOST FRUSTRATING THING. Especially since you can’t make someone see something that you see. You can only meet them where they are.

To have this unbearably clear vision right in front of you and not be able to transmit or share its realness: I do not wish this on anyone.

Expansion is awesome but it also involves a lot of waiting.

Various balls in various courts, phone tag, reconvening, blah.

I just want my new teaching space!

Realizations of mistakes.

Even harder than a thing not working is THIS:

The realization that you were the one to set the unsovereign expectations that resulted in your own pain.

Yes.

All forms of media are unbearable right now.

It’s that time of year when everyone is either talking about making resolutions or talking about how they don’t do resolutions.

I keep forgetting that this is a time of year to turn inward, not outward. A note for the Almanac, I guess.
Hey, Havi! Don’t look at things you know you don’t want to see!

Other people’s stuff coming up.

And them trying to put it on me.

It’s also that time of year when relationships end horribly, apparently.

Even Snopes agrees that yes, this is a thing.

Anyway, it seems that nearly everyone I love is going through an awful painful break-up or relationship challenge right now.

So much hurting. So much uncomfortable transition.

I am lighting candles for so many people right now.

The good stuff

Trusting my instincts.

This felt good!

Also dancing and reflecting and making conscious choices about everything.

Lots of entry and exit.

My partner-in-crime and I did pretty much nothing but entry, a thousand times a day.

I filled an entire notebook with notes about entering, and this is the thing that kept me from falling apart this week.

And it was so much fun! Not only did we do entry for everything, we did everything together and that was fun too.

Entry rituals for dance class, entry for the monkey, entry for shavasana, entry for snacks, entry for all of it. And then exit, exit, exit and Revue!

Plus we threw the smallest dance party ever at the Playground. Fun!

Learning and releasing.

So I mentioned that the hard of this week involved having to process a lot of old grief related to money pain that was reminding me of not-good things from then.

But this was also the good, because I dissolved some giant walls, and learned some very useful things about my relationship with having.

Not taking shoes personally.

It was a week of people aiming shoes at me.

Four of them!

But none of the shoes actually landed in my space. I didn’t have to work through any hurt feelings. It was just people being in their pain and lashing out at me, but without being able to reach me.

Thank you, years of practice. Thank you, hard-earned compassionate communication skills. Thank you, everything I have learned at Rally! (Rally!)

Thank you, impossibly hard bootcamp-of-leadership that was running my Kitchen Table program for three years. I may have an alarming number of grey hairs and battle scars, but hey, at least I have a fabulous shoe-deflecting force field.

Taking things personally used to be my achilles heel (and for all I know it still is, in certain circumstances).

So I felt reassured to see this wasn’t coming up, and I can still set firm loving boundaries to protect the other people who might see the shoe and internalize it.

I am a stark raving supergenius!

That’s what the gentleman said. He said:

You are a stark raving supergenius!

And that was exactly what I needed to hear.

Laughter.

Sometimes everything is so completely funny.

Like, spiritually funny.

Like, how hilarious is it that I would ever think the thought “oh no, how do I access patience and radiance?!” when actually patience and radiance live inside of my cells and in the tiles in my shower and inside of light switches that I switch on and off every day.

All of that and much more was funny this week, and I spent a lot of time in blissed out hilarity.

Plus all that smiling is fun. And knowing that it comes from having processed the process and done all the work is even better.

Running a Shiva Nata workshop on coordination and spatial awareness.

For the roller derby team that I sponsor.

We were invincible, confident, smart and awesome (that’s the verticals), while being ready, fast, sly and trusting (the horizontals).

There was a lot of giggling, and also some quality stretching.

Hannukah is the best.

So pretty with all the candles.

And we ate levivot twice, and also there was a potato kugel one night. So I’m feeling pretty happy about that.

Bruce Wayne’s strengthening elixir.

Because I am all about Bruce Wayne right now.

This is what I’m calling my disgusting iron drink that I have to drink, and I hate it.

Changing the name doesn’t make it taste any less horrid, but it gets me through it faster.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

I have been assiduously trying to avoid Tabstravaganza this week. But go read this post about loss and presence from Darxy. It’s amazing. Leave her a tiny pebble — o — and sit with her if you like.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

The origins of Rally!

The difference between grinding wheels and not grinding wheels.

I need this post to be printed out and posted in every room of my life, possibly also tattooed somewhere: Not everything requires a response.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes to us via @fergaloid.

Do Your Thang and the Light Unexpected

It’s my favorite band ever!

Though, astonishingly, it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

SUNDAY. This Sunday. That’s when prices go up (considerably) for Rally (Rally!). Two of the rallies are sold out, several more are close to full.
You can also apply for a Stowawayship scholarship ship for Rally between now and Sunday.
The Art of Embarking is the prerequisite for everything I’m teaching next year. Next year starts this weekend, you guys! It’s about entry and preparing for the voyage, and it’s important.
The 2012 calendars are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I think that’s all. If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom. OH AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU GUYS!

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Scholarship! Ship!

Havi Brooks — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 17:16:03 +0000

Scholarship-ship sailings are embarking between now and this Sunday, January 1st.

The scholarship is for a Rally (Rally!) in 2012.

Except for January and April which have already sold out.

Everything you need to know about the HMS Scholarship is on this page.

Enter as you wish to be in it.

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #177: accidental Eastwood

Havi Brooks — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 08:01:52 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Seriously. Friday?!

This week is messing with me, right?

There’s no way it’s even close to Friday. Ah, well. Here we are. So let’s chicken.

The hard stuff

Not in the mood.

This was not a week for getting things done.

It was a week for process and percolate. Lots of useful untangling.

Lots of progress, even. But not the visible kind.

And people waiting on things. Sigh-sigh.

Late to bed.

Once.

Which then became several times.

And that’s always when stuff starts to fall apart.

Overloaded.

A holiday party and then brunch with friends.

I know for most people that’s completely doable. But for me it’s too much.

Frozen on a decision.

This actually turned out to work to my advantage.

But I worried about it.

A misunderstanding.

More sighing.

Misunderstandings are painful!

Things are changing.

And this is scary and hard.

Even when it’s what you wanted.

The good stuff

Clint Eastwood!

Remember when I used the magic of Clint Eastwood’s negotiating skills to get my monsters to backtrack on everything they believe in?

That was awesome.

So this week I accidentally used some Clint Eastwood negotiating with a contract.

Mainly because I was too stressed out about the proposal to write the proposal.

The silence was too much for them and they offered a counter-proposal without even getting the original proposal, and THIS proposal is awesome.

Thank you, Clint Eastwood.

The thing I was going to do anyway because I had no choice is now significantly more affordable.

This comes as a gigantic relief.

Letting other people practice what they know is rewarding.

Hard, but rewarding.

I have been remembering that not everything requires a response, and this is good.

Hannukah!

Candles. Singing. Levivot.

And then solstice too.

Beautiful. I feel happy.

My partner-in-crime is here!

Knowing that she was arriving did not stop me from spending two hours with her on the phone the night before.

Yay! Here! Now!

Ideas and epiphanies.

Like crazy.

Big stuff. Big, scary stuff. But I am glad to be learning it now.

Progress on the Almanac.

There are no more quarters. And yet… every season has quarters.

Feeling much better about this.

The last Board of Surprisers call of the year.

That was sad.

But happy, because they’re going to be my Enthusiastic next year.

Lots of sitting at the Playground and biggifying.

I am planning the most astonishing things. Like a crazed genius with crayons!

Thanks, Clint Eastwood and Shiva Nata.

Variations on Surya Namaskara.

I have watched this video three times. Variations on a sun salutation, from a dance perspective.

It reminds me of things that my body knows, and about how the Bruce Wayne thing of committing to the body is important.

Not just letting the body make executive decisions but being with it all the time. So beautiful.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is brought to you by our friend Dana.

Turtle Disorder

They’re a speed metal polka tribute band who do covers of songs you’ve never heard of.

Though, weirdly, it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Reminder: Rally prices are going up a week from today. Rallies fill up quickly. January is sold out. There are a couple February and March spots. So come Rally. Rally! It will change everything.
The Playground calendar is the most magical thing. It will make you happy-cry. The First Mate ordered a second batch. While supplies last.
We’ll open admissions for the Floating Playground next week. So start working with the Art of Embarking, because you’ll need that .

I think that’s everything. If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

And let me translate that, for Brits and Canadians and people who have been well-trained to apologize for things: What if, instead of apologizing for having missed a week or a hundred weeks, you lovingly and intentionally notice the desire to apologize? Say hi to the pattern. And then maybe you choose to silent-retreat that part. Or maybe you secretly get to do the hedging on your own to feel the thing that the apology gives you, and then you could delete the hedge before you post.

Because otherwise there’s this disconnect. It ends up being me talking about a culture of amnesty, but then we don’t give it to ourselves. Does that make sense? I hope so.

*blows kiss to the hedge-lovers as a fellow fan of hedging*

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

The best calendar that has ever existed.

Havi Brooks — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:28:22 +0000

The Playground calendar is here.

I actually cried when I saw the first one.

Tears of happy-delight and oh-the-cuteness, but also because it is the most beautiful, simple, glowing, play-filled physical thing that I have created.

A tiny sweet thing! Look at its toes!

Other than the actual Playground, of course. But the Playground is so much a part of this calendar that they both exhale the same sweet magical air.

Their internal culture is the same.

I had this idea that I’d be able to describe it.

But I can’t.

Every time I want to try, I get lost in looking at it again.

And then a good ten minutes disappear while I am entranced with each month, and giggle over its sweetness.

Words really do not do this calendar justice. How many times can I say MAGICAL and know that I’m not even beginning to transmit the meaning? Pictures don’t either.

Not even slightly. This calendar is insanely gorgeous, instantly uplifting, and so full of play and possibility that you want to go skipping through fields humming your favorite song.

And planning marvelous plans!

Also: is there anything more fabulous than a pensive hobby horse wearing a magenta wig?

In fact, it shouldn’t even share the same name with other calendars.

Hey, metaphor mouse! What do you call a calendar that’s so out of the league of other calendars that it’s become something else entirely?

It’s like a portal.

Ah, words. I wish I could put this portal in your hands right this second so that you could experience it.

All I can do is tell you stories…

My wonderful friend and colleague Cairene came to the Playground last week and saw one. Cairene is wise, thoughtful, and unbelievably creative about time. She thinks about time more than anyone I know.

Anyway, she fell madly in love with the calendar and couldn’t put it down. She said, “THIS is the calendar I have always wanted and didn’t even know it!”

Then another friend’s husband came by, and he couldn’t put it down or stop exclaiming over it either.

My realtor saw it and instantly wanted one for herself.

We sent them out last week to everyone who pre-ordered, and have been flooded in joyful and enthusiastic appreciation letters.

Thirty six!

The First Mate, who is very good at things like this, saw how sad I was that more people wouldn’t get the calendar. And he ordered another batch. A bigger one.

Most of which have already disappeared because people visiting the Playground have grabbed them.

But there are thirty six still available.

Each month has a space to name that month, plus a Hello and a Goodbye.

And Toozdays are spelled just like that. Fridays get a chicken reminder.

The calendar was originally part of the Gwish Kit so the price includes tuition to a class I’m teaching on how to do creative and magical things within time restrictions, and many of the brilliant things I have learned about this from Rally (Rally!).

I am putting on the hat!

Yes, that hat.

If you want a Playground calendar-portal that will make you cry happy-tears of possibility and get you dreaming of secret plans, you can still do this.

And you get to come to my (online) workshop about time and sneaky ways to get things done, of course.

Here’s the very quiet Gwish Kit page:

http://www.fluentself.com/gwish-kit-2/

I don’t know how long this will stick around but if there are any left by Sunday (???), I’ll try to mention it in the Very Personal Ads.

Play with me! And the commenting blanket fort….

You can be my Enthusiastic about this beautiful, tiny sweet thing being REAL! And being even more beautiful than I could have imagined.

You can help invent magical words that are more fun than “calendar”.

You can plant hopeful gwishes for the new year.

And if you’ve already received yours in the mail (clever person who pre-ordered!), please tell us about how much you are in love with it…. :)

I am going back to looking at my new calendar and dreaming up dreams with it. It is my newest companion-in-play, my silliest partner-in-crime. And I need to go put on a wig and dance around the room.

If you want one of these, you can get one here. Or in the Playground Toy Shop. While supplies last.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #176: no trombones this time. Except that sad one.

Havi Brooks — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:56:38 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Wow. Hard to believe it’s been a hundred chickens since I got to make the 76 trombones joke.

Pretty much no one thought was funny but me. Speaking of which: sad trombone!

I have been avoiding writing this week’s chicken.

I think it’s because I don’t want to remember the hard parts. There was a fair amount of hard.

Okay, permission to not have to name it all. I’ll chicken as a way to say: I am here.

The hard stuff

Overwhelmed. So overwhelmed!

Here is a partial list of things that were going on for me this week:

Planning the winding down of the year for my Kitchen Table program (our third and final year), answering questions, calming worries, planning the Appreciation Picnic.
Planning the opening of the brand-new Floating Playground.
Planning the opening of the new actual Playground (we’re keeping the current space but also expanding and moving into a larger space).
Planning Shivanauticon!
Planning my workshop on visualizations and badassery for the roller derby team.
Planning for having a houseguest at Hoppy House.
Planning to bring in a third full-time employee (three includes me, yes?) onto the pirate ship, and thinking about how best to train this person. Also, employee? What a depressing word! Where’s metaphor mouse?!
Planning my Absconding because I need a pirate queen holiday pronto.

So. Each one of these is a really good thing, not a hard thing.

But having so many pieces to interact with (and so much of other people’s worry in my space) was really, really challenging.

I got a piece of AMAZING news and then didn’t feel happy about it.

Finally got a YES on the thing I have been wanting, hoping and wishing for over the past several months.

So now it’s real.

I’d thought this news would result in delighted skipping up and down the street.

But what actually happened was that the full OHMYLORD THIS IS HAPPENING began to sink in.

It’s not that I don’t want it. I want it more than anything. And it’s not that I’m not ready. This is the time. This is what I want.

It’s just the growth period that lives at the threshold. But my sadness in the moment of realizing that my wish is going to come true is made sadder by the realization that there’s sadness, if that makes sense.

So this week I’m going to need to spend some time with that grief, and find out about this new change. And figure out how to make it happen in ways that are fun and light-hearted. Because Barrington says that this is important.

A challenge that I don’t want.

I know we will find the perfect simple solution. It will work out as it needs to.

And in the meantime, I’m in the challenging part.

Advice.

I don’t like. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. If I’d wanted it, I would have asked for it.

Frustrated mouse moments about this all week.

Got in a fight with someone who works on the pirate ship.

I tend to hire people who are very down-to-earth, to balance out my need for excitement and risk-taking that is part of (for me) being an unlikely business savant.

But then I get annoyed when they can’t get excited about the crazy fabulous things I dream up. But of course they can’t, because that’s not what they do.

Anyway, we worked it out. With compassionate communication. And discovered that (as always), it was just a misunderstanding. But not fun. And I’m feeling even more mama-bear-protective of my tiny sweet things than usual.

My stuff got triggered.

Someone called me a greedy little piggy. He said it in the most loving, endearing way. With a chuckle. As if it was adorable and sweet.

It was this moment of total disconnect.

Someone smiling happily at me but with this (to-my-ears) condescending and judgmental monster-script phrase coming out of his mouth. Echoing my actual monsters.

I froze. I made a safe room for me-from-then. And an entire apartment buildings of safe rooms. For angry, indignant me. For “what if it’s true” me. For all of my hurt.

I brought the pirate queen back to the front of the V.

I translated in my head to what I’m pretty sure this person actually meant to say, which was probably something like: “Wow, you’re really clear about what you want, and you’re not afraid to go for it.”

He had no intention of hurting my feelings, and no knowledge that this is something that can set off my stuff.

But man, it shut me down for days. And I’m still dealing with the fall-out. A lot of pain from then.

And more hard stuff that I don’t want to talk about.

We’ll just put this as a placeholder.

Reminder to sad, scared selves: I don’t have to name it. I can just know that it was there. Now is not then. Sad happens. It’s okay.

The good stuff

Change is exciting.

I’ve spent the past seven years working towards the things that are happening NOW.

And even though I didn’t know how awesome some of these things would be, I knew that we were headed towards excitement. And here it is!

Expanding the Playground!

The vision knew about this 18 months ago. It even told me what it would look like.

And now it’s happening.

Plus we get to keep the current Playground.

This is big and important.

Getting closer to something important.

I can tell by how much my stuff was up this week.

For months I have been trying to figure out what the bridge is between the cool stuff that I’m doing and the cool stuff that I want to be doing.

The bridge is here.

I just hadn’t realized how much growth is required in stepping onto it. But you guys! The bridge! I have been dreaming about this for so long.

Proud and happy.

At the end of the first year of the Kitchen Table, there were some temper tantrums. People who didn’t know how to process endings. People who were in their stuff.

Same thing at the end of the second year.

Not this year.

I have a hundred people who know how to take ownership of their experience. They can process the hard. They can do the advanced practice. They can destuckify.

They remember how without me having to remind them. They live what I teach without falling so deep into their stuff that they forget how to interact with what’s happening.

I feel joyful and appreciative watching them do it.

Roller derby workshop!

I taught a two hour workshop that used Shiva Nata and force fields and extreme silliness to help a group of amazing athletes get better at using visualizations and meditative processes to skate better.

It ROCKED. They rocked.

So excited for this season!

Bryan’s CDs arrived.

Remember when I asked if anyone had Long, Slow & Deep?

Gaye did and she sent it to me. Perfect timing.

The Playground calendars are here and they are so completely beautiful.

They’re filled with play!

I burst out laughing every time I pick one up. They’re exactly what I wanted, and I can’t stop looking at them.

This might be the most gorgeous product we’ve ever made.

The rendezvous was a success!

I loathe meetings, as you might imagine.

But we had one. And we managed to make it fun.

And now I have all the information I need to move forward, as well as the go-ahead from the people in charge of the thing I wasn’t sure about.

Healthy.

Usually when I have this much going on, I get sick.

But — tfu tfu tfu — things have been fine.

I’ve been taking naps, dancing, meditating, yoga-ing, processing, reflecting, taking care of myself.

This is a sign that this work I’ve been doing has changed how I teach and how I lead. That’s a big deal, and I want to remember that.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

From the archives.

Old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

Look how wise I was two years ago. This made me so happy to rediscover: You don’t need to take the leap.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band:

Proxy To Spare

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Less than two weeks until Rally prices go up. January is sold out. You can still make February or March. Rally (Rally!) . It’s the best thing I do.
If you’re thinking about the Floating Playground, you’ll definitely need the Art of Embarking. Which is also still at not-full-price, so you can enjoy the fact that I’ve been too busy to update things.
I’ll tell the HAT list (Havi’s Announcing a Thing!) about the Floating Playground before I open it to the public, so that’s always a good thing to be on. I hardly ever send out announcements but when I do, that’s the place.

I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.