Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Oh man, big stuff is happening!

We have a date to sign the lease this week for the new Playground space.

(The current Playground is still going strong, the second one is bigger and crazier and will be the home for a fabulous new thing.)

We have a date to start painting.

Everything is moving. It is all very exciting/terrifying/wonderful. Anyway…. hello, week! Hello, very personal ads. I really need this.

Thing 1: Creating, entering and exiting a chrysalis.

Here’s what I want:

Yesterday my morning glow-sitting (that’s what metaphor mouse and I call “meditation”) informed me very emphatically that I need a chrysalis.

I may possibly have rolled my eyes.

More specifically:

It seems I have crossed some very significant internal bridges over the past few weeks, and now the Director and I are very close. The Director is the version of me who can run the new and gigantic Playground Cooperative that we’re opening.

She’s calm, capable, competent, confident, wickedly funny and completely, delightfully, unapologetically sure about what she wants.

She has the superpower of knowing that Nothing Is Wrong and that perfect simple solutions are there for the asking. She wears awesome shoes.

We’re really close to each other now. And the thing that’s needed is the biggest and most important step:

A safe and sturdy CONTAINER of three days and three nights of complete seclusion, during which I become her and she becomes me. Or really, I become more her and she becomes more me. Anyway, it’s a chrysalis.

Apparently this is what I get for thinking that a nest might be too over the top. Great. Something even more cheesy and dramatic. I find this hilarious.

Ways this could work:

I can do an OOD about this and get the monsters onboard.

The monsters are seriously skeptical about the whole thing, which is a sign that yes, it *is* as crazy as it sounds and also it’s important.

I could decide to go dark.

I could check into the Hidden Hotel.

We’re going to need tools. So tools!

I’ll play with…

Assuming that this is important and that it does need to happen.

Because information delivered via glow sitting always turns out to be worth listening to. As rigorous internal studies have shown.

And committing to finding a way.

Thing 2: Shhhh secretive invisible Playground play days.

Here’s what I want:

Today I’m telling twenty people — twenty people who live near the Playground and have already rallied so they know how to have strong force fields – about two invisible secret play days happening at the Playground this month.

One of which will include an Enthusiastic. Yay!

I am hoping that some of these beautiful people will be able to join me in playtime magic, even though it’s super last minute.

Because the Director said that this was the first step. And that it’s VERY important.

Wenn schon denn schon. Im kvar az kvar.

Ways this could work:

I’m making the wish and putting it here.

I’ll play with…

Resting in the hammock in the Playground’s Refueling Station.

Visiting the new Playground space and the current Playground space (soon to be the Playground Caboose), and talking to them about play.

Thing 3: Tu B’shvat

Here’s what I want:

This Wednesday is Tu B’shvat.

Tu B’shvat is the birthday of the trees.

Isn’t that completely delightful and magical and play-worthy? I think so too!
I want to celebrate.

Ways this could work:

Secret play day at the Playground, of course.

Dates and figs and almonds.

Visit the park.

Ask the trees.

I’ll play with…

Writing a love letter.

Like the one I wrote EXACTLY two years ago to the current Playground.

I just reread that one and did you know? Everything came true, only a million times better than I could have possibly imagined.

Thing 4: Answering the questions.

Here’s what I want:

I have some questions that I’m sitting with right now.

They need time and space.

I need time and space.

I want safe ways to go inward and investigate.

I want time and a process.

Ways this could work:

The chrysalis could resolve this.

A cafe date.

Planting the wish.

I’ll play with…

Doing Shiva Nata on it and generating some creative epiphanies.

Thing 5: Closing all the doors.

Here’s what I want:

There are still more things that need closing.

Still more doors that don’t need to be open.

Let’s move on this.

Ways this could work:

Lots of stone skippings.

Asking curious, loving questions. Patiently.

I’ll play with…

Asking for help from a Negotiator.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I had an ask about reconciling my desire for seclusion with my desire for community. Progress! Feeling good about the upcoming Enthusiastic and play days, and about my chrysalis as things that have emerged from last week’s ask.

Also I noticed that this week it was much easier to give time to Emptying and Replenishing, which gave me more space for being with people.

I wanted more overlap between the blog world and the PDX world and my roller derby world. Nothing to report on that but as the next bout gets closer I will update.

Then I wanted to fill out more forms (shhh, that’s secret agent code for doing yoga), and, ASTONISHINGLY, I forgot that I asked this. But I filled out forms like mad all week. So it totally worked. Yay. I re-ask this one, because it’s been amazing.

Next I wanted ERM (Emergency Recovery Mode), and that worked too! I feel terrific. And everything came together to help.

And I wanted to tell you guys about the end of Early Brunch for the Floating Playground. And I did. Today is the last day you can get half off tuition. We’re close to full. Maybe I will see you there.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

• Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
• You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
• Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
• Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
• VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Very Personal Ads #133: doobie doo just filling something out
• Very Personal Ads #132: The Wiktory! It Is Ours!
• Hi there, qualities of the voyage that is 2012.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to see you, February.

Partly because this past January kicked my ass so hard that I’m excited about change in any form whatsoever. And partly because you are a symbol of incredibly special things that are happening in my life.

But anyway, I’m really glad you’re here. I’m really glad I’m here.

And maybe we can even rewrite some of the sticking points we’ve had in our relationship in the past. Who knows? Anything is possible.

Hi.

Let’s talk superpowers.

First, the superpowers of January that I want to take with me.

So yes, January hit like a giant train wreck in a lot of ways. And making my way through that experience has landed me some serious superpowers.

Here are the ones I’m planning on keeping:

The superpower of Not Worrying About Anything.

I got to this one by way of being so completely exhausted and depleted that worrying about things just seemed like another tiring activity that I didn’t have energy for.

So I’m taking the freedom of that. Taking the feeling of Peace Breathes Through Me that comes from extreme zombie tired, without taking the tired and the non-functioning.

And I’m also taking the superpowers of Flexibly Structured Morning & Evening Rituals. And the superpowers of Being Exceedingly Cautious And Discerning About What Input I Allow Into My Space.

The superpowers I’d like to experience in February.

The superpower of feeling joyful and generous.

The superpower of wanting what I want. Unapologetically.

The superpower of CONGRUENCE.

The superpower of emptying and replenishing, so that play can be really playful.

Things I’m looking forward to in February.

February is the birthday of the trees!

February is stomping through puddles in the park in my BOOTS!

February is getting ready for Now We Are Six, the birthday celebrations of The Fluent Self, Inc, magical pirate ship at large.

February is new systems.

February has Rally (Rally!).

February (this February) is the DAY OF LEAP! That’s the day that the Floating Playground finally opens. That’s the day that we have access to the new and much bigger space for the real Playground. All the good things! They are happening!

And then it’s March. And March is spring. For me.

Things I’m feeling apprehensive about in February (and my plan!)

Ugh Valentine’s Day, ugh ugh ugh.

That pretty much sums it up.

The plan? Avoid the internet at all costs. Maybe also have an open Play Day at the Playground where other Fluent Self mice can hang out. Do some Shiva Nata on LOVE, because love is amazing.

And just generally avoid the annoying pink-romantic-straight-culture overkill.

Sleep please please please please.

I am crazy determined to outdo my current record of two whole nights in a row of uninterrupted sleep.

The plan? Keep doing what I’m doing. Stone skipping, yoga nidra, tea, ritual, support, practice.

The big change.

Things are changing, and it’s big.

The plan? Mission-ready. Mission-ready. Mission-ready. And lots of breaks. Entry and exit.

Things I would like to experience in February.

Harmonious interactions.

Spaciousness and blanket forts.

Choosing carefully. Preparing for the voyage.

Excitement and glee about where this is all going.

Trust and permission.

Silliness and movement.

Clues and allies for February.

You know how I like to go searching for clews.

So here are five that I am choosing for February, without having to figure out what they mean yet or how they’re going to work together.

1. The money tree in the kitchen.
2. The hidden castle.
3. The Cascadia flag.
4. The anchor
5. The color YELLOW.

And five resources or allies:

1. Barbara Sher.
2. Suzette Haden Elgin.
3. Michelle Marlahan.
4. Keren.
5. The gnome.

Here we go. Flipping the page.

Here’s the February image from the Playground calendar.

Play with me? And comment zen for today.

You are welcome to write your own Hello, February.

You could write February a letter, drop off some gwishes, or give it a new name.

(If you like, peek at other months — July and August and September and October and November and December and January.)

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.

And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you the most beautiful and supportive February that could possibly be.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• When things aren’t working.
• Friday Chicken #182: I believe in sandwich gnomes.
• Very Personal Ads #131: whoah-struck!

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: Outward and inward and outward and inward.

Here’s what I want:

All of my gwishes this week seem to be about my desire for community, and about my desire for seclusion.

I am convinced that these are not even slightly contradictory, and that they support each other in important ways, so I want to spend some time investigating.

Ways this could work:

I can make lists of things that symbolize community for me, as well as things that stand for separation, withdrawing and turning inward.

And I can practice things on both sides.

Some old Turkish lady yoga for inward. Convening an Enthusiastic for outward.

Also some shivanautical epiphanies could just make everything clear and obvious. Or at least show me what the next step is.

I’ll play with…

Giving permission.

Practicing the art of wanting what I want.

Thing 2: Speaking of community…

Here’s what I want:

Okay, so I talk about roller derby all the time.

About my relationship to derby. About how outrageously great it is.

And I also know a trillion people in Portland. Or maybe I don’t know all of them personally yet, but they know me through this blog. Hi, lovely people!

I want all of us going to bouts and yelling our heads off and having the time of our lives. YES.

Ways this could work:

Maybe I’ll set up a pre-bout meet-up.

Kay’s bar, anyone? Maybe?

That way, people who would like to come watch roller derby with me could meet up with me beforehand.

I’m more than happy to explain the rules or why a penalty is a penalty. And I promise I won’t try to recruit you. Unless you want me to.

Probably the Frolicsome Bar (that’s what we call our facebook page) would be the best place to set up an event like this and let people know. But maybe there’s another way that I haven’t thought of yet.

I’ll play with…

Planting the wish.

Possibly doing an OOD on it.

Thing 3: Filling out more forms. Yes.

Here’s what I want:

Filling out forms is my secret agent code for doing old Turkish lady poses.

Because that’s literally what you’re doing.

Filling. Out. A. Form.

Except it sounds so incredibly boring to fill out forms that my monsters don’t make a fuss the way they would if I were doing something sweet and loving like shhhhhh-slow-gentle-yoga.

This week I would like to fill out lots and lots of forms.

Maybe just one at a time. Maybe at different points during the day.

Ways this could work:

Paul’s non-sucky dvd, of course.

Using the Playground.

Before bed.

After Shiva Nata.

In between transitions and doors.

I’ll play with…

Inventing a superpower to go along with this.

Thing 4: Erm…

Here’s what I want:

Extreme Recovery Mode. Aka Erm!

Which, coincidentally, is also the sound I make right before I remember to yell “Silent Retreat!”

(And then I run away.)

Ways this could work:

Baths.

Soaking in hot pools.

Massage.

Not everything requires a response.

Hiding.

I’ll play with…

Going dark.

Ten breaths.

Permission and amnesty.

Thing 5: The Floating Playground! The last day for Early Brunch.

Here’s what I want:

This weekend is the last chance for extreme Early Brunch prices on the Floating Playground.

I want everyone who wants to be a part of the Floop (yes, that’s its nickname, apparently) to joyfully find their way there.

Ways this could work:

I’m telling you right now.

I’ll play with…

Putting the link here: http://TheFluentSelf.com/floating

Creating a supportive, creative environment of welcoming and belonging for everyone who wants to play. Yay!

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Let’s see. I wanted an old laptop to play DVDs on at the Playground, and a bunch of you were crazy helpful! Still sorting out the details, but yay people who can help! That was amazing.

Then I wanted to focus on making eating beautiful. That was challenging, but it definitely showed up. I was more conscious about which plates to choose and how to arrange things. It’s on my mind. Progress.

The Playground (the live one, which is about to expand to a much larger space) needs ongoing art supplies, and I said I’d think about that. I liked Anna’s suggestion of an arts & crafts potluck picnic. We’ll have to see what that would look like. I might write a future ask on specifics.

I wanted smoothness with the lease, and the building’s owners agreed to all of the changes we wanted to make in the last round of lease negotiations, HOORAY!

And I asked for a joyful Rally (Rally!), and it was extremely, extremely full of joy. Yet again, the VPAs sneakily make everything better under the surface while I’m not paying attention.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

• Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
• You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
• Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
• Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
• VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Friday Chicken #95: chickens on skates!
• Community.
• Object of Desire: Denver. You can help!

Or really, as it soon became clear, a list of things I didn’t know that I knew about nests.

On the surface, I don’t have a lot of thoughts about nests. In fact, prior to last week, I would have described myself as INDIFFERENT when it comes to nests.

But I was using the idea of a nest as a proxy for a project I was working on. And a nest seemed like a good example of something that I don’t care about that might be important.

From my notes:

Nests are the embodiment of SHELTER.

Much like a sukkah or a blanket fort (or a cocoon), nests can be temporarily constructed for a purpose and then be released/shed/deconstructed/taken-apart.

Nests exist to be a container for a very specific purpose or place in time:

• For a season.
• For a resting period.
• For an incubation.
• For however long it takes to grow something.

Things can be nested inside of other things.

Also nestled, which for me has connotations of things like [+cozy] [+aligned] [+snug] and [+comfort].

Nesting dolls are containers for each other.

But they’re also containers (nests!) for mystery and surprise and delight.

There is something intricate about a nest.

For me, if I were breaking down the word into my personal associations (a la metaphor mouse), NEST would include:

[+intentional] [+craftsmanship*] [+gathered] [+organic] [+sheltering] [+slow process] [+transition] [+comfort] [+softeness] [+growing stronger] [+sinking into] [+release] [+shavasana] [+knowledge] [+experience]

* Though if a bird crafts it, isn’t that craftsbirdship? It kind of should be, if only because that is a crazy-awesome-looking word.

Nests are containers, but it’s more than that.

Nests are doors. Nests are homes.

• The Playground is a nest for Rally (Rally!).
• Rally is a nest for changing how you make progress on mysterious and not-mysterious projects.
• The ship is a nest for the voyage.
• The Refueling Station is a nest for releasing.
• The (opening-next-month!) Floating Playground is a nest for process and for feeling like you belong in your life.
• Shiva Nata is a nest for transformation and rewriting patterns (and for being the eye of the storm).
• Hoppy House is a nest for learning how to feel at home.
• My body is a nest for learning how to be at home.
• My heart is a nest for hiding and for being loved.
• My cells are nests for blueprints.

And so on.

Tinier and tinier.

Like nesting dolls. Or nesting nests.

How do you know that you know how to build a nest?

The knowledge for how to build a nest (or to invoke a nest) is very… internal.

This stuff isn’t covered in manuals. It’s a thing you need to remember that you know.

There are maps and plans hidden inside the bones of my wings, but first I have to remember that these things exist.

What is powerful about a nest?

Hidden strength.

What is useful about a nest?

Being separate and hidden.

(That could mean above or deep).

When is a nest not a nest?

When you are done with it, and then it can be taken apart or turned into something else.

What happens to me when I am nesting?

I am the complete cycle: mother and infant (in the archetypal sense, not in the about-to-go-to-Bolivia sense).

Caring and being cared for at the same time.

An internally directed cycle.

Also, any nest is really a nest-in-progress. Nests aren’t done. You can always tweak, alter and change. Lovingly maintaining a nest is part of the experience.

What else is a nest?

Well, safe rooms are a form of nests.

My relationship with X was a training ground for me to learn very specific things.

It wasn’t the soft comforting sort of nest, but it was the kind of nest that Mr. Miyagi might build to teach you how to wax on and wax off.

A bootcamp nest? Ewwwwwwww. Oyvavoy. Not that. More like how I’m Bruce Wayne, and the bat cave is a nest. Ahhhhhhhh. Got it.

Right now all the training that I’m doing to get mission-ready is a nest.

AND all the resting that I’m doing to get mission-ready is also a nest.

How do I know that I’m done with a nest?

Okay, so in my personal world of nests, there is no being unceremoniously dropped out.

That is a distortion. That is my pain experience. It’s from then.

In my world of nests, there’s a moment in which I know I am done.

And then the next adventure — which is itself a new and bigger nest — just appears. And the previous nest dissolves.

In I allow my nests to expand and contract as necessary.

And even when I’m flying, the experience of flying is a nest.

My relationship with the experience of flying is also a nest.

Every tree is a nest. Each new opening is a nest.

What is next?

Trusting what I know.

Trusting the nest.

Trusting the me who built it.

Play with me! The commenting blanket fort.

This is my process. It’s personal and a little vulnerable. What I would like: loving sighs. No advice, no analysis. Making space for my understanding of nests to be different than yours if that’s the case.

If you’d like, you can find out what you know about nests and use that as a proxy for something else you’re working on.

Or you can find out what you know about something else (like curtain rods or clouds) and that will probably tell you useful things as well.

Or you can sit here with me and drink tea. Or not tea. Whatever you like.

Usual comment zen applies. We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We play. We make room for each other.

Love, as always, to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• The Rule of Absolutely Absolutely.
• When things aren’t working.
• This is where I live.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

You guys! I have no voice today because I screamed my head off at the roller derby season opener last night.

Our badass Guns N Rollers killed it. Final score: 164-56.

This has been a long time coming. I’ve been a sponsor for three seasons and a fan for twice that, and I have yet to see a bout like this.

You know I run agility trainings for the team twice a month, right? With some destuckification basics thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, I’ve written my share of roller-derby-related Very Personal Ads. And it felt so good to watch this WELL-DESERVED victory and know that I got to be a part of it.

So let’s have some cheering for GNR!

Okay, on to the VPAs.

Thing 1: An old laptop computer for the Playground

Here’s what I want:

I need a computer at the Playground. Except I won’t be using it for anything other than playing yoga dvds. Only the non-sucky ones, of course. So it doesn’t need to be in great shape, as long as I can do that.

It needs to be a laptop so that I can easily move it from room to room.

I’m hoping that someone in my circle of people can donate one or know someone else who has one that’s close to retirement. Maybe someone who will be at an upcoming Rally (Rally!) could be a connection too.

Playground computer! I will adore you and appreciate you!

Ways this could work:

I’m putting it here!

I’ll play with…

Doing an OOD on it.

Trusting that the right thing will show up at the right time.

* I cannot WAIT until the Floating Playground opens. We’ll have an entire board just for doing OODs and I will pretty much live there. OODs! It will be the best.

Thing 2: Making eating beautiful.

Here’s what I want:

I have been looking at these gorgeous pictures of a shabbes meal (yes, urban frum pictures), and feeling so completely inspired and enthusiastic.

We eat such amazing food at Hoppy House, but what if the setting reflected how beautiful the food is? That seems like it could be another important part of entry.

So I’m going to think about that.

I won’t be able to play with it this week because I’ll be at Rally (Rally!), but maybe some aspect of my mysterious Rally project will work as a fractal flower for this too.

Ways this could work:

I could make a list or collection of colors, styles and images that appeal to me.

And start investigating.

I’m not ready to commit to buying stuff or even for looking in stores. But to plant the seed, and to connect to the symbolic essence:

Color. Nourishment. Dedicated time and space to an experience. Commitment. Presence. Delight. Rejoicing. Sweetness. Welcoming. Belonging. Home.

It has to do with setting things up for the way I want to live. And with presents for future me.

Again, the important part isn’t the stuff. The important part is intentionally preparing for the voyage.

I’ll play with…

Interviewing myself about what I already know about this.

Thing 3: The Playground needs a bunch of things in an ongoing way.

Here’s what I want:

The Playground pretty much always needs things like costumes and stickers and art supplies and coloring books.

And cushions!

And magazines that we can cut up for Reflectings. (I swear it’s not collage! Okay, fine, it looks like collage….)

Since we’ll be taking over a new and much bigger space in March, we will need even more of all of these.

I want a way to keep a steady flow going without having this be my permanent VPA.

Ways this could work:

We could make a page for the Playground site listing needs (ongoing and special-occasion).

And then I could link to it from the Chicken or remind people at the Frolicsome Bar now and then…

We could also post some more about it on the Playground bulletin boards…

I’ll play with…

Talking this over with the Director (who is the me-who-is-on-her-way).

Asking smart, loving questions, and staying open to being surprised.

Thing 4: Smoothness with the lease!

Here’s what I want:

We’re in what is (I hope!) our last round of lease negotiations for the new space.

We’ve had all sorts of wise and capable people weigh in.

And now we’re ready for everything to sort itself out smoothly and easily so that we can enter the space March 1st.

Ways this could work:

I can do the alignment exercise with the building owners again.

I can plant the wishes.

I can talk it out with slightly future me.

I’ll play with…

Dressing like the Director.

Talking to the building.

Humming its favorite song.

Thing 5: A joyful Rally!

Here’s what I want:

This week is Rally, and Rally is my favorite thing in the entire world.

I want to feel energized. I want to take good care of myself.

I want to stick to my experiment of not answering any questions whatsoever (except at lunch, of course!).

Ways this could work:

It just could.

Rally is magic.

I’ll play with…

Going on silent retreat when I need to.

Lots and lots of shivanautical silliness.

Drawing monsters from the monster coloring book.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted a word for the act of making things congruent, and I didn’t find one. But somehow it didn’t matter, because the congruencing happened anyway.

And that was my second ask. It was BRILLIANT. I depiled the piles, threw away the old, moved the new, and deleted half of my phone contacts. Yay.

I wanted doors that need closing to stay closed. And that’s working.

Then I wanted to find out in what way certain things that do not appear to be good are actually good. That was a remarkably useful question, and I’m glad I asked.

And I wanted ease-filled happy signing-of-the-lease, and we are so much closer on that. We got terrific feedback from our attorney and from the plumber. We enjoyed the walk-through. Our realtor has been amazing. It’s all moving in the right direction.

Plus I wrote 7,000 words about a thing I’d been stuck on.

Oh, and the thing I didn’t ask for out loud totally happened too. Well done, me-from-last-week! Sparklepoints all around.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

• Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
• You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
• Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
• Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
• VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Friday Chicken #145: Potter? I hardly even know her.
• Friday Chicken #128: we would theoretically rock it here or there
• I am Resistance Mouse!

Also preparing for the voyage. Or preparing in general. And then doing a little Revue (with high kicks!) when it’s over, because I don’t like to review things but I like taking stock.

Sometimes I’m convinced there’s no time to enter and exit experiences.

But that’s pretty much always the time gremlins talking.

So we do the short version. And sometimes even the shortest version.

The short version for entry looks like this:

What do I want to feel? And what do I need?

And I usually direct the those questions towards slightly wiser me.

Notes about this practice!

You’ll know if you’ve encountered a monster who’s answering the questions for you.

You’ll know because the answers won’t be nice. Like this:

“What do you need? You need to stop being so lazy. Or maybe you could also stop being such a whiny little pain in the ass. That would be good too. What are you wasting your time for? Just do it!”

And you’ll know if you’ve encountered a sad, scared version of you and not slightly wiser you if the answer you get is really stressful. Like this:

“What do I need? I need EVERYTHING TO [insert stream of creative cursing in Arabic] WORK FOR A CHANGE, aaaaaaargh!”

So. The fuzzball monsters are allowed to have their opinions. And the sad, scared selves get to feel safe. Always. Safety first!

But you’re not asking them. You’re asking the part of you who knows.

This can take practice. Give it time. There’s time.

Okay. Back to the practice. Examples! From yesterday.

Examples of short-version entry…

Dance class.

What do I want to feel? Tough, competent, graceful, grounded, present.

And what do I need? Conscious breathing. And the superpower of knowing when I need to take breaks, and trusting that information.

Breakfast.

What do I want to feel? Joy and nourishment, intentional caring for myself..

And what do I need? Want what you want. It’s important.

A work thing that I don’t want to do.

What do I want to feel? Capable. Strong. Centered..

And what do I need? Use your force field. Plan without planning. Do the alignment exercise. It’s okay to take extra time to do an OOD because that will give you useful information for later. Also: this is a fractal flower!

Mini marathon-training.

What do I want to feel? Release.

And what do I need? Tissues. A pillow. Put the sign on the door so no one disturbs you.

Going to the bathroom.

What do I want to feel? The symbolic power of process: I am letting go of whatever my body is done with.

And what do I need? To remember that running off to pee is not a break. It’s not taking me away from my work of self-inquiry and it’s not separate from my life. It’s another way that I take care of myself.

The short version for EXIT.

Exit looks like this:

What worked? What might I try next time?

Examples of short-version exit…

Dance class.

What worked? Smiling! Music! Knowing that my body is my home and this is where I live.

What might I try next time? Coming a few minutes earlier to get a better spot.

Breakfast.

What worked? Doing entry!.

What might I try next time? Leave the pretty glass for the Strengthening Elixir out on the counter so we don’t forget. Maybe that glass needs a home?

A work thing that I don’t want to do.

What worked? Ohmygod doing the OOD helped so much!.

What might I try next time? I think I’d do it exactly like that! But maybe with a costume?

Mini marathon-training.

What worked? Putting on a nine minute song and knowing how long it would be..

What might I try next time? Turning off the sound on the phone.

Going to the bathroom.

What worked? That reminder that this is part of what I do, not separate from it.

What might I try next time? Naming the superpowers.

The even SHORTER version.

Entry: One quality. Example: Courage! And then: May it be received with love.

(I do this every time I press pooblish on a blog post. Or when I have a snack. Or when I go for a walk.)

Exit: One quality. Example: Support! And then: Thank you, experience.

And the SHORTEST version.

The shortest version involves knowing that everything is a door.

Including the experience you are about to enter, as well as the entry and the exit.

Entry: Hello, Door.

Exit: Goodbye, Door.

It’s all shorthand. The Hello includes all of the aspects of hello, without stating them. The Goodbye contains all the magic of endings.

Playing. And the commenting blanket fort.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.

The way this works is that we all agree to take loving ownership for our experience. And we create a safe environment by not giving unsolicited advice or telling each other how to feel.

Ways to play. So many! Because play is infinite possibility.

You could make up your own ways to enter and exit. No need to use mine. Or you can play with how you might find tiny ways to enter and exit. Or things in your day that could use mini entries and exits.

Or we could make sweet loving wishes for the parts of us who think this is way too much work.

And give our internal scientists the task of finding out how doing entry and exit changes our experience.

What I’m calling on: Receptivity, intelligence, curiosity and flow.

May it be received with love.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Hello, January.
• Exiting. In several ways at once.
• I have studied 17 months to be able to say this.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: a word for the practice of making things congruent

Here’s what I want:

To invent or discover a word or metaphor that describes the thing I’m working on the most right now:

Bringing things in my life into a greater state of CONGRUENCE.

Ideally this would be a verb, but it could also be a descriptive phrase or even an image or a person. In the way that Bruce Wayne is my stand-in both for prosperity and for the state of intense dedication to the physical (agility, gracefulness, power, stability, strength, determination and endurance).

Ways this could work:

I could ask for help from metaphor mouse, speaking of reluctant superheroes.

I can map it out.

Do some Shiva Nata on it to see what the patterns are.

Ask Bruce Wayne what he’d call it.

I’ll play with…

I think I’d like to interview Barrington. And also the Director (the me-who-is-coming).

It would be interesting to see what they know about this, and maybe that would give me a direction.

Thing 2: the week of Congruencing!

Here’s what I want:

Okay, so I don’t have my word or metaphor yet, but whatever it’s going to be called, that’s what I want to be doing all week.

Ways this could work:

Maybe a list of things that need to come into congruence.

I can also use my list of Things I am Done With.

For example:

• Not having a place to put a certain type of thing.
• The bag of Back and Forth.
• Yoga coming after work.
• Answering questions with anything other than a heart-sigh.

And then I can play, Rally-style.

I’ll play with…

Patience. Permission. Exploring without attachment to what I think I need to find.

I think it’s time for some stone skippings.

Some old Turkish lady yoga.

And lots of entry and exit. This is another form of preparing for the voyage, isn’t it.

That feels better.

Thing 3: Speaking of things that I am done with….

Here’s what I want:

Doors that are closed need to stay closed. Not to be approached and not be knocked on. This station is closed!

This is showing up in several ways right now, most of them symbolic. Also there are ways in which I am still knocking on some doors that are not doors for me any more, and I’m looking at that too.

Anyway, there’s this thing with random strangers knocking on the door to the Playground while I’m in yoga or meditation.

Because they apparently want to know how to get to the bathrooms. Or because they’re supposedly confusing my center with another business, despite the GIANT sign that announces: The Destuckification Playground!

And there’s this other thing where people try to log into one of my online programs. They can’t, of course, because there’s no way for them to get in without our system having given them a password. But when we close out each year, we always find about eighty names of people who have tried to log-in. Even though the entry page states that this is a closed, private community.

The fact that both of these things are scratching at the door of my mind right now (see? doors, it’s all doors here) shows me that this is my stuff.

So I’m going to investigate that. And I want better systems, better boundaries, better ways of making it clear that some doors are not for being knocked on.

Ways this could work:

Talking to slightly future me and figuring out what she knows about this.

Flailing on it with Shiva Nata.

Inventing ridiculous signs and then using that as a starting point for play.

I’ll play with…

Noticing all the places of entry and exit.

Stopping to pause (paws!).

Closing places I have left open.

Thing 4: the new assumption.

Here’s what I want:

To intentionally, playfully and steadily operate under the assumption that everything is good!

And to find out how things are good. In what way are they good?

Ways this could work:

I can ask:

“How does this thing that doesn’t appear to be good actually contain elements of good? And how can I use this to my advantage?”

If I’m in resistance because a certain situation is clearly full of not-good, I can try to find the useful.

If I can’t find the useful, I can still find out what I’m learning through encountering this now.

I’ll play with…

What if I’m wrong about everything I’m currently assuming?

What if this new assumption holds some unexpected treasure?

What if I don’t have to believe in the new assumption in order to receive benefits from experimenting with it?

What if everything that is against me is an illusion? Because Orna said it is, and Orna has never been wrong about anything.

Thing 5: ease-filled happy signing of the lease.

Here’s what I want:

Okay, this one might have to become an OOD, because I suspect that this is not all that I want.

I want to sign the lease on the new Playground space, but what I really want is to feel supported and excited in every part of this adventure.

And there are certain things that are potential dealbreakers, and I need those things to go smoothly. Or to resolve themselves in ways that I haven’t thought of yet.

But mainly I want to feel joyful and elated, because this is a giant gorgeous symbol of giant and gorgeous progress on my giant and gorgeous vision. I am whoah-struck! So let’s have more of that please.

Ways this could work:

I think breaking out an OOD, and working through the whole process and destuckifying is important.

Especially the aspect of making peace with being a grown-up.

And taking apart some of my old patterns of being apologetic and wanting to accommodate out of fear, habit or guilt….when actually what is necessary in this situation is radiating strength and establishing clear, beautiful, loving boundaries.

I’ll play with…

Man, this is a big ask with a lot of disparate elements.

I think I want to focus on figuring out what I want and need.

This relates to several asks from previous weeks that have to do with trusting my instincts. Hand-on-heart sigh for me-from-then.

It all comes back to wanting the wanting.

Thing 6: sleep, again.

Here’s what I want:

So I’ve graduated from waking up in the middle of the night and feeling miserable to waking up in the middle of the night and feeling peaceful. And then falling back asleep.

But I’m ready to go through the next door:

Deep peaceful uninterrupted slumber.

Ways this could work:

Congruence. Putting more of these small changes into effect.

Morning rituals. Evening rituals.

Trust.

Talking to all the different parts of me.

I’ll play with…

Listening. Curiosity. Sweetness.

Thing 7: enthusiasm!

Here’s what I want:

I am about to send out the announcement about the Floating Playground.

And to celebrate the way I would with a real Enthusiastic: where we all exclaim over puppies! And how cute the puppies are!

Ways this could work:

Tuning into my own enthusiasm.

Filling up on the superpowers and the qualities.

Showing you guys the link to the puppies page, which is also a door to what’s next.

I’ll play with…

Hand-on-heart sigh for my desire for Enthusiasm.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Those were some big asks. I wanted comfort and healing for a broken heart. And I didn’t think that would work, but I got it.

I wanted sleeps, and through the magic of hypnosis and herbs I am sleeping. More, at least.

Then I wanted to not care so much (or at all) about that thing. And while I still care about it, not weighing on me as much as before. I kind of think it’s all going to be okay.

Then better structures for RAWR Mondays! Feeling good about that.

And good wishes for Eclipse. I saw her but forgot to ask. So I’ll keep wishing!

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

• Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
• You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
• Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
• Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
• VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Very Personal Ads #127: in this together
• The first visit to the Flairground.
• Lost in a Tragic Ice Cream Incident!

And I have been avoiding welcoming you.

But here we are, me and January.

So in the spirit of conscious entry and preparing for the voyage, I am here with you, January. And more than that: I recognize that you are a door.

I’m saying hello.

Reorienting myself to your door-ness, re-establishing my sense of suchness, reconfiguring my wants, and re-ordering my relationship with you. Let’s do this.

What I want from this experience of January.

I want us to have a new relationship, January.

I want to release all the expectations and all the rules about how we have to be with each other.

To release pain and grief from Januaries past.

To recognize and remember that you are not them. And now is not then.

The qualities of my new relationship with January.

The same sixteen:

Spaciousness and Sovereignty.
Presence and Possibility.
Radiance and Receptivity.
Effortlessness and Efficiency.
Adaptability and Agility.
Desire and Deconstruction.
Boldness and Beauty.
Congruence and Creativity.

Also, did you notice that each pairing has a yin and a yang side, or a ha and a tha side, if I may revert to my natural language of yoga?

And they can switch sides, if and when they need to…

Another thing. The gentleman said the other day that my super-duper power (which, apparently, is like a superpower but even better) is SYNTHESIS.

I hadn’t thought of that but it feels true in my belly, in my hands and in my feet. So I’ll take some of that too.

What I need from this January.

Gentleness.

From January and towards January.

To let go of all the things I think I am responsible for, but am not actually responsible for.

To shed and to replenish.

To fill up on what I know.

To find the new things now that the old ones are no longer working.

To make peace with my secret room.

What I am planting for this January.

Quiet.

Curiosity.

Pleasure.

Patience.

Radiance.

Shelter.

What I look forward to in this January.

Finally-finally-finally the start of roller derby season! GNR is going to do so much damage at the season opener that it’s just ridiculous. And I’ve been working with the team — lots of Shiva Nata, agility training and strengthening force fields.

And of course, Rally (Rally!). It’s going to be amazing.

Mostly I’m not looking forward though. I’m looking inward. I’m hibernating. And that isn’t so much about excitement and yaying as it is about stretching, yawning, whimpering, crying and releasing, but that is what is needed right now.

For my body this January.

It’s hard to say because right now I am so very tired.

But: I will keep taking the Bruce Wayne strengthening elixir.

And doing my marathon trainings (shhh, they’re relaxing!).

And going to dance class. And flailing the flail.

Hot baths. Warm tea. Walks when I can walk. Sleeps when I need sleeps.

Slightly future me says:

You’re doing all the right things. Keep doing them.

Stay away from unsovereign situations. Stay away from other people’s expectations, real or perceived. Make a cocoon for this growth period.

And use your costumes.

What January could be like.

It could be a nest.

It could be new.

It could hold me.

It could be a reminder of all the things that have changed since last January.

It could be space to rewrite old perceptions.

It could be comforting.

It could be kind. You think it can’t, but it can. That last sentence was slightly future me again!

I am throwing all of this into the pot.

Play with me? And comment zen for today.

You are welcome to write your own Hello, January.

Or drop off some gwishes.

Or write January a letter. Or give it a new name.

(If you like, you can peek at what we’ve played with here in other months — in July and August and September and October and November and December.)

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. Because without sovereignty and spaciousness, this whole thing falls apart.

And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

That is all. Much love and happy January.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Hello, September
• Lost in a Tragic Ice Cream Incident!
• There’s always a shorter version.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Oh, Sunday!

One day I will be able to wholeheartedly be okay with this practice of noticing what I want and need in each and any moment.

Right now I get to seed that by practicing here on Sundays, and today I am really happy for Sunday.

Because I am exhausted. And there are wants.

Thing 1: comfort and healing for a broken heart.

Here’s what I want:

To release this pain of the Great Misunderstanding.

To trust — in the most intimate and deep ways — that I’m doing the right things to care for myself. And to care for me-from-then.

To undo old internal agreements about owing people things that I do not in fact owe them and couldn’t give even if I’d wanted to.

Ways this could work:

This is going to need some monster conversations. And some coloring in the coloring book.

(I did this last week and was flabbergasted by how much just the coloring part helps by itself. Didn’t even need to use the actual materials.)

Time. Space. Paying attention.

Taking this seriously. Not a side dish. To really put my attention here, with love.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

I’ll play with…

Watching. Naming. Crying.

I’ll take this to RAWR Monday.

And to the pool.

Lots of heart-humming. And dancing it out. Shiva Nata has helped me through more than one heart-hurt. And it will help me through this one.

Thing 2: commence Operation Sleep Is Really Important Dammit

Here’s what I want:

SLEEPS!

We’re declaring an emergency situation.

Ways this could work:

The usual tricks.

• Consulting the Book of Me and the dammit lists.
• Left-nostril breathing.
• More old Turkish lady yoga and Paul’s yin practice.
• Moving the Bruce Wayne Strengthening Elixir ritual to the morning.
• Doing the sleep invocation.
• Mini marathon-training (shhhhh this is a proxy for something relaxing) for ten minutes before bed.
• More yoga nidra.
• Treating this situation as if the director was the one who needed sleep right now.
• Being the detective.
• See the 74 ways to hit the reset button post.
• GOOMB!

I’ll play with…

Acknowledging the legitimacy. This is big change we’re going through right now. It makes sense that processing is very process-ey.

Conscious entry. Preparing for the voyage, with the voyage being sleep.

Talking to the me who knows how to do this. She knows how the pure land works.

Lots of revue. With dancing.

Thing 3: not caring so much (or at all?) about that thing

Here’s what I want:

Right now there’s a situation that I am letting weigh on me.

It’s a sovereignty challenge, and a bit of a growth period.

I want to investigate this and find out what will help me release some of this old-stuck attachment to a certain result.

Ways this could work:

Talking to slightly future me.

Doing some stone skippings.

Entry and exit. Asking wise, compassionate, loving questions.

I’ll play with…

Taking it to the Playground. Doing some reflectings.

Thing 4: RAWR Mondays!

Here’s what I want:

RAWR Mondays is the name of my new Monday practice, something I’ve been doing with my partner-in-crime.

RAWR stands for Roaring And Whimpering Rendezvous.

It’s a tradition that started because I’d sail off on a mysterious project and then get spend my week working on aaaaaaargh things that suck.

So now we just schedule that in. In a celebratory way. Mondays! Mondays we roar and whimper, and then we’re ready for the week.

And when other gunk shows up we can put it in the box for next Monday, unless it’s urgent. But usually it isn’t because we’ve done so much processing on Monday.

Anyway, the thing I have learned so far about RAWR Mondays is that the Rawring requires a very safe, stable container. With lots of comfort built in.

So that’s what I’m working on.

Ways this could work:

Building the day carefully. With sweet loving things to come before and after.

What kind of sweet loving things?

Immersion in the hot pools.

Lots and lots of tea.

GOOMB! (Get. Out. Of. My. Bar.)

Mini marathon trainings. tee hee!.

Hiding in a dark booth, wearing sunglasses and eating warm comforting food.

I’ll play with…

Ridiculous amounts of entry and exit.

Lots of thinking about what I might want and need.

Setting it up.

Thing 5: good wishes for Eclipse!

Here’s what I want:

Eclipse has a job interview tomorrow. Let’s all wish her wonderful wishes!

Ways this could work:

I’m planting it here.

I’ll play with…

Wishing the wishes. Throwing it into the pot.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted to set things up for next-day me. This worked really well actually. I spent most of the week at my uncle’s in the woods (still there!). I left my notebook out and some tea for morning-me who likes to journal. I planted things for later. It felt good.

Then I wanted to do reflectings (lalalala not collage at all!) with scissors. About my twelve wishes for the year. And I’ve been doing that.

I wanted to enter the exiting, and YES. Yes yes yes. Hugely relieved about this.

Next I asked for a new relationship with January, and I’m working on that.

And I wanted new clothes for the incoming director, who is me.

This hasn’t happened yet because I’m out in the woods wearing the same thing every day. But I did try on footwear for her, and was pleased to find that she has delightfully strong opinions. So progress.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

• Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
• You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
• Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
• Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
• VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• The hotel inside my head is delighted to offer a wide variety of in-house entertainment options.
• Hello, January.
• Friday Chicken #179: Haul away, Chicken Joe!

We were plotting away about the new and much bigger Playground space that is opening in Portland in March, as well as the online parallel space opening in February.

No panicking necessary — the current Playground is not going anywhere! Expanding, not moving.

And we decided to name the qualities we wanted to connect to as we sail into this coming year of adventures and growth.

So many qualities!

Saying each one out loud was like having a wonderful witchy imaginary aunt read you a trippy incantation as a bedtime story.

Or like taking a really restorative warm bath that is also exciting at the same time, because it keeps changing colors and blowing little happy bubbles at you.

Anyway, I thought I would plant the list of qualities here, in case some or all of them want to speak to you.

And because, wow. QUALITIES. Undiluted essence.

As always, if a word doesn’t appeal to you, no worries. It might not be your word. Or you can translate it. Rewrite it. Use the metaphor mouse technique to unpack it and change your definition.

The qualities!

Trust. Grounding. Expansion and expansiveness.

Spaciousness. Sovereignty. Presence. Radiance. Beauty.

Clarity. Shelter.

Renewal. Willingness.

Reassurance.

Softening and surrender. Grace. Power. Lustrousness.

Tranquility. Warmth. Appreciation. Delight. Play.

Possibility. Sanctuary. Creativity. Expectancy and anticipation.

Joy. Emergence. Adaptability. Certainty. Focus.

Patience. Love. Belonging. Welcoming. Sustainability.

Effortlessness. Effort. Yes, both at the same time, supporting each other!

Crossing-through. Protection. Alignment.

Effervescence. Excitement.

Frivolity.

Adventure. Experimentation.

Filling up and replenishing. Frolicking.

Permission. Gratitude. Strength. Toughness and tenacity.

Boldness. Resilience. Suppleness. Smoothness.

Admiration. Sensitivity. Truth. Resonance. Responsibility. Flow.

Cheer. Movement. Dance. Enoughness. Efficiency. Ease. Courage.

Sustenance. Dedication.

Flexibility. Exulting.

Release. Elimination. Congruence. Harmony. Knowing.

Imagination. Sophisticated Innocence!

Commitment. Devotion. Exuberance. Agility.

Receptivity. Wonder.

Nourishment. Poise. Agency. Exploration. Spontaneity!

Rhythm.

Sincerity. Curiosity. Sweetness. Kindness. Compassion. Ingenuity.

Charm. Autonomy. Intelligence. Wisdom.

Support. Community. Discovery.

Safety. Protection. Attunement (syntonics!)

Order. Deconstruction. Structure. Form.

Festivity. Building and rebuilding.

Enthusiasm.

Transformation. Desire. Balance.

{and}

PRESENT TIME.

And then sixteen to become special friends with.

Sixteen qualities that especially beckoned to me on the evening of entry…

They showed up in pairs.

They had alarmingly alliterative tendencies.

They wanted to be my force field this year, and I said YES PLEASE:

Spaciousness and Sovereignty.
Presence and Possibility.
Radiance and Receptivity.
Effortlessness and Efficiency.
Adaptability and Agility.
Desire and Deconstruction.
Boldness and Beauty.
Congruence and Creativity.

Huh.

And because I am apparently secretly a medieval Jewish scholar-mystic, these also made a mysterious acrostic.

Spread… something with B and C.

So I decided it should be spreading boundaries of courage. Because that seems like a good thing to be spreading this year.

And then…

Before we went our separate ways into beds and dreams that night of the new year (well before midnight because we are old and embarrassing and get cranky when we don’t get to bed early), we lit a beeswax candle that my uncle Svevo made.

And then we read the list out loud.

The full list. Then the sixteen special qualities. Then: Spreading Boundaries of Courage.

We blew out the candle. Whisper-whoosh!

And here we are.

Play with me. How the commenting blanket fort works!

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process.

When our stuff comes up in reaction to something, we recognize that this is our stuff.

We own it. And then we consciously, lovingly interact with it.

We create safe spaces for ourselves to get to learn about our stuff, so we don’t have to be in our stuff. And we create safety for each other by giving lots of permission and zero advice.

If you want to whisper-whoosh any qualities that appeal to you, go for it.

If you want to share in any of these, that’s welcome too.

If you want to add another candle to the mix, yay.

Waving from the ship! Spreading boundaries of courage.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

• Beacons.
• Very Personal Ads #112: bobble whatzits and the vocabulary problem
• Hello, day.