Comments on: Ask Havi #27: Off-topic and totally random.

By: Havi Brooks

Havi Brooks — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:48:48 +0000

@Mahala – I am so so so glad you posted your piece. I had been meaning to do it and forgot. It’s lovely.

And @everyone else … I just want to say how much I get this. Because ow. I do.

This will probably have to be its own post, but some thoughts:

– one thing I’ve found helpful when people ask me about why I don’t have kids (kind of a variation on Mahala’s thing) is “you know, that’s a really personal thing for me and it’s not something I feel comfortable talking about.”

Works best when given with a smile and a shrug.

For people who press I do start to want the more “gaaah, get your greedy eyes off my uterus” reactions though.

– another thing is just basic variations on NVC:

“I’m feeling uncomfortable when you ask why I’m not having kids because I need to know that you support the way I live my life” or whatever it is.

– I do *try* to remind myself that people are curious, and at the same time I definitely have a lot of resentment around some of the questions.

– “That’s not a question I feel like answering” has also worked for me. Though not with my parents. And not in Israel.

– my all-time least-favorite question: “Don’t you think it’s selfish to not have children?” Answer: No ………

By: Mahala Mazerov

Mahala Mazerov — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:11:04 +0000

@emilylime – So glad it helped to see Pema Chodron’s post again. I was a little hesitant to link to it here. Your response reminds me, too, how much these intrusions hurt exactly because they are triggery for us. You don’t want to shame people while setting your boundaries. But I’d bet some our your/our friends would be unhappy to know they’ve invaded and hurt us. How I love the word “skillful means.”
Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Thoughts On Giving & Receiving

By: emilylime

emilylime — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:24:03 +0000

@mahala I remember reading that on your blog now! Yes, really a wonderful response. Like the young man in the story, I think people don’t understand how personal or painful their questions can be. And in the case of asking my girlfriend and I not just when/if but HOW we would have kids…I think people are genuinely curious about something they know little about and feel comfortable enough with me to ask. Anyway, my point is that as frustrated as I can feel with this sort of prying, I don’t want to shame people while setting my boundaries. Which is what is really beautiful about the Pema Chodron response. Thanks for sharing it with us (again).

By: Mahala Mazerov

Mahala Mazerov — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:24:27 +0000

Married questions, baby questions, thoughtlessly rude questions. Since I see the comments are still growing on this post, may I offer Pema Chodron’s wisdom on the subject?

The post is titled Pema Chodron, Skillful Answers to Disgraceful Questions

http://luminousheart.com/2009/08/pema-chodron/

Part 2 is here:

http://luminousheart.com/2009/08/mindfulness-skillful-answer/

I hope this may be as useful to you as it has been to me.
Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Thoughts On Giving & Receiving

By: Leocadia

Leocadia — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:43:10 +0000

Oh yes, the annoying baby question. Recently I happened to bump into an ex-colleague I hadn’t seen in years and literally the first thing he said after “hi” was “Still no kids?”. Serious. Other people don’t dare to be that blunt but the question is still somehow hovering in the air.
An extra post on this would be much appreciated, Havi.

By: Inge

Inge — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:26:03 +0000

Well, at least I never get asked the baby question, since I’m single as can be. I do get this one: how come a nice girl like you is still single? Right.

The one single question I get asked all the time but is actually forbidden: how’s the dissertation coming along? Do not go there, please, especially not on the few occasions I’m trying to forget all about it and be social. The few people that ask the Forbidden Question because they really care and not just to make sound know that it has been named and ask about it as if it’s a person. Gently.

By: Bonni

Bonni — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:51:56 +0000

When people ask me if//when I am going to get married, I look worried and say “I don’t think I’m mature enough to get married.” (I’m 31.)
Then they laugh, and point out the example of themselves, or another couple, or whoever. “See, they’re not mature, but they’re married!” they say.
Then I say “Well, then . . . I guess I’m not immature enough to get married.” Either way, they get the idea.

But really, there are lots of smart answers to that question and the kids question . . but, yes, it still hurts for people to ask anyway. (The last time I had to answer that, I said “Um, well . . you see, the joy of marriage and motherhood is scary and bad for me. But I understand it’s nice for other people.”)

I figure asking somebody personal questions about having children is, really, kind of like saying “Let’s talk publicly about your uterus!” So I’ve prepared several rude answers about my uterus juuust incase I’m expected to enter into an unwanted rude discussion about it.

By: Shawna R. B. Atteberry

Shawna R. B. Atteberry — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:55:22 +0000

Oh yes the kid question. Fortunately I don’t have much tact, especially for stupid questions.

Stupid person: When are you having kids?
Me: We’re not.
Stupid person overcomes stun and asks: WWHHHYYYYY?
Me: Because I don’t want kids.
Usually puts an end to the conversation.

Amy, I totally understand about the church thing. I got really lucky when I became an Episcopalian. I’m at a small liberal church with two other married women who never had children and never wanted them. So now it’s not such a big thing. But when I was evangelical…let’s just say oy vey and leave it at that.

My other favorite stupid person question took place while I was in seminary in several church foyers.

Stupid person: Are you going to seminary to be a pastor’s wife?
Me: No, I’m going to seminary to be a pastor. My husband will be the pastor’s wife.
Stupid person finds someone else to talk to. Although I do have to thank these stupid people: they gave me the idea for my M. A. thesis, Your Daughters Shall Prophesy: A Biblical Theology of Women in Ministry.

Sometime having no tact has its good moments.
Shawna R. B. Atteberry´s last post … The So-called “Biblical” Marry a Strong-ER Christian Man Myth

By: Mahala Mazerov

Mahala Mazerov — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:19:07 +0000

As far as I could tell, the only reason for having a yoga mat was to tell your cat exactly where to lie down when you were hovering in downward dog. However, if I’d had a choice of @Claire’s rugged floor (macho rugged variety) I think I would choose that.

Havi and Hiro – have a (tree) hugging, stripey socks delight of a time together.
Mahala Mazerov´s last post … Bringer of Blessings | Rest & Receiver

By: Emily

Emily — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:53:16 +0000

Ah, the baby question. And once you have one, I can report that the question doesn’t go away. It simply morphs into, “When are you going to have another kid?” Um, huh. OK. And when you say never? Yes, you invite lectures about how horrible it is to be an only child. Um. Hmmm. Right.
@Elizabeth: I also get asked for directions everywhere I go. I think you’re right. It’s the walking-with-purpose thing. Except, it also happens all the time when I’m driving. Maybe it’s the non-threatening-looking woman thing?
Emily´s last post … Keeping the Signal Clear